Tag:

Caregiver

Why Do I Have Attachment Problems?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 8th, 2022

I’ve been having some issues with getting attached to people for quite some time now. I’m not sure what it is about the person but when I meet someone who fills the role of a caregiver I become completely attached almost right away. They usually are professional relationships with teachers, profs., and even therapists and it becomes very difficult for me to detach myself from them even though I would very much like to. I end up coming to the conclusion that I wish I’d never met them and I usually feel guilty about it, I feel like there is something wrong with me because it’s been happening since I was a young child. Back then it was easier for me to become close with someone and for the relationship to still be healthy, I also found it easier to detach myself from them. As I got older however it shifted and I didn’t feel it was okay anymore to become close with a teacher even if I wanted to. Now I feel like it’s not really within my control and even though I know that the relationship must remain as a professional one I still have problems adjusting to their inevitable departure from my life.

I actually was reading about borderline personality disorder and I matched some of the symptoms dead on. Sometimes I think it might have to deal with the relationship I have with my mother. As a child I always used to fantasize about being from a different family and the people that I would get attached to sometimes I would see as being my mother. She wasn’t at all affectionate with me and today I have issues with expressing myself emotionally and asking for help. My father was in and out of my life until I was 11 when he split for good. Even when he was in my life he had issues with loving me, my mother told me on many occasions that he would often be quite cold to me and only really pay attention to my brother which whom he still is in contact with today. My brother sometimes pities me because my dad seemed to love him and not me.

Growing up was quite hectic, my family all have substance abuse issues and I was taken away when I was four to live with foster parents after my parents left me in the middle of the night. In fact none of my family really ever shows much affection towards one another and have major communication problems. They tend to hold things in then let it all out when they’re drinking. As a child they never turned on me but now that I’m older my odds of them attacking me are just as high as any other family member. I’ve been having problems adjusting to that but hopefully I can develop a thicker coat of skin to handle it.

I don’t really have healthy ways of coping with things. My main tool is self harm which tends to help though it’s now become more of an addiction than a release. I suffer from major depressive disorder, PTSD and an array of anxiety disorders which I was recently hospitalized for a few months ago after I overdosed on painkillers. I tend to hold things in and that’s kinda what I’ve been working on in therapy. I guess I’m wondering why I’m like that and what can I do about it so that it doesn’t cause me so much distress anymore?

It does not seem that you had a healthy attachment with your mother or father. Healthy, stable relationships were never modeled for you. Neither parent was emotionally available to you. Your father was not in your life long enough to really get to know him and when you and he did interact, he essentially ignored you. It’s human nature to want safe and stable relationships with others. Ideally these relationships are supposed to occur with your parents. When an individual lacks these stable and important relationships with their parents they often spend their adult lives attempting to secure these attachments with others. Because you never had a true bond with your parents you’re searching for healthy attachments with others whom you’ve deemed as safe (teachers, therapists, etc). It makes sense that you would have a difficult time with attachment given your history. The above explanation might help explain “why” you have trouble with attachment.

Individuals with borderline personality disorder have problems developing healthy relationships. Attachment is usually a problem for them. They also fear abandonment. Again, it makes sense for individuals with borderline personality disorder to have difficulty in relationships because many have had interrupted or troubled attachments with their primary caretakers.

It is possible that you have borderline personality disorder but if you do please know that it is a treatable disorder. If you are currently in treatment you should ask your therapist about whether you have the disorder. If you do your therapist might alter your current treatment regimen.

You asked what you could do to stop the distressing attachment problems you experience. Since you’re currently in therapy it would be helpful if you focused on this issue. Does your therapist know this is an issue for you? I hope so.

You can learn a new way of interacting with people. A good therapist can teach you how to behave in relationships. He or she can model “healthy behavior” for you. He or she can also analyze your relationships with others and point out what areas need to be adapted or improved. The goal for therapy should be to teach or model for you what a healthy relationship is like. Dialectical behavior therapy is a biopsychosocial mode of treatment that has been proved to work well with individuals with borderline personality disorder. It may be helpful for you. Take care.

January 8, 2022 0 comment

Worried Partner Has White Knight Syndrome

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 13th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m divorced (6 years now) and dating a divorced man who seems to be a pretty great guy. However, I have some reservations.

My SO is 11 years my senior, and was married for 17 yrs before having an affair with a woman 20 yrs his junior. He volunteered this information, saying he wanted me to know upfront. While I find it problematic, I empathize with the fact that his wife had denied him sex for over 2 years and that his daughter was co-sleeping with him and his wife all of her life at this point (7 yrs).

What I am having a harder time letting go of, is the possibility that he has some kind of White Knight Syndrome, or that I have reason to be threatened by this younger woman. Following the breakup of his marriage, she moved in with him and lived, rent-free, a year. He says that after a few months, the relationship became one of friendship, as she wanted to date other people. However, she never paid rent. Following his move to another state, she asked if she could come live with him. He agreed, and she moved into his new home. Again, they began a relationship, but progressed into a friendship. She continued to live off of him, rent-free, for 4 years.

She moved away one year ago. They remain friends. She does occasionally text him and he told me as much. She contacted him when she saw (Facebook) that he was in a relationship with me, telling him she was happy for him. A few days later, she called him, telling him her BF broke up with her, but now wanted to talk to her…and she didn’t know what to do. He thinks this is harmless, if victim-like, I see it as manipulative.

Her paintings still decorate his home, although he says this is because he just hasn’t thought to replace them with anything. I have no reason to think he has seen her since dating me, or anything like that. I am disinterested in banning him from talking to her or anything juvenile like that, but I did tell him that I did tell him that situation made me feel insecure.

He and I have dated for 3 months. We see each other 2-3x a week. He has told me he loves me, and he is supportive, nurturing.

Set clear boundaries with him. Explain that it is hurtful to you, that this need of hers has a history that has continually pulled him in, and that this isn’t what you want in a relationship. Make this very clear. Explain this is not okay, that it isn’t a gesture of support or help on his part as much as it is her inability to manage on her own, and that it smacks of manipulation. Make this simple for him. This is only a three month relationship and you setting very clear boundaries now is important. Explain that he is welcome to help her, but that this will directly influence how and if you relate to him.

Not to do this now would give a complicit endorsement to him — not at all what you want to do.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

February 13, 2021 0 comment

Caring for the Caregiver

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 17th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m married to my husband for almost 9 years. We know each other 11 years. For the outside world, we are perfect couple, who loves adventure, travel, cooking and is madly in love. Behind the door is a different story. In the past 10 years, we’ve been straggling with my husband’s father, who had a stroke and now has a cancer. We were helping my in-laws in their difficult times.

My husband is struggling a lot with this situation because he is a primary care. He started drinking more than usually we did during weekends. He can have 3 martinis or a whole bottle of wine plus drink with rum on his own. Numerous times, I was asking him to minimize it but now I started finding empty glasses or bottles all over the house, garage or garden. I confronted him many times. However, he became very angry and started screaming. When we go out, he is the only person, who would be wasted. I’m embarrassed by his behavior. All our friends believe that he is just drunk because he is very tired.

I truly don’t know what to do. I cannot trust him because he lies to me about his drinking. Another thing that shocked me is the fact that he exchanged a few inappropriate emails with his ex-girlfriend. They were talking about their past, how great it was. He asked her about sex life. He wrote so many private things about us to her. Usually their emails were very very long. He never wrote me such emails. You probably wonder how I found out about their correspondence. Well, it was a pure coincidence. I did not know how to use iPhone and I opened his phone where their emails were listed. I confronted him (of course I cried because I’m very emotional). He told me that he just wanted to find out how she is doing because they were best friend for a long time. He promised that he won’t write to her anymore. I believe him again. I found another email to her. I truly don’t know what to think. He said that his life is horrible. I’m trying to help him and his family. However, I think I’m losing myself meantime. I have anxiety attacks because of the whole situation

For your entire married life and throughout your 20s, you and your husband have been trying to help your in-laws manage your father-in-law’s illness. I wonder if your husband feels like life is passing him by while he does the right thing. Taking care of someone day in and day out can make a person feel emotionally drained. I’m guessing that your husband’s alcohol problems started because he found that a drink could relax him at the end of a challenging day. It has since progressed to being a way to check out from the reality of his life. Make no mistake, what you are describing at this point is alcohol abuse.

To manage the stress of caregiving successfully, a caregiver needs to be sure to take care of themselves and move forward in their own lives. Your husband isn’t doing either. He also seems to be trying to recapture his more carefree youth by contacting the ex-girlfiriend. He’s in serious trouble.

You can try talking to him. Instead of being upset and accusatory, try being compassionate about the position he finds himself in. His life is going nowhere. Talk about how the two of you can get additional help with your father-in-law so your husband isn’t the only support person. Look around for a caregivers support group. Many hospitals and hospice organizations sponsor such groups. It’s important to have a place where it’s okay to share feelings and where information about helpful services is exchanged. Then work together to figure out how your husband can reclaim his own life’s direction. Does he need to go back to school? To find a job that is more gratifying?

Finally, you need to tell your husband in as loving a way as possible that although you understand the urge to drink, it’s gotten way out of control. Ask him what he is going to do about it. If he continues to deny that there is a problem, tell him the truth: You can’t make him stop drinking but you don’t have to stay around for it. Then get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting to learn how to detach from his problem. Here’s the website.

Yes, self-care takes time and attention; time that is hard to come by when caring for someone else. But if your husband isn’t taking care of himself, he is doing something else. He needs to refocus his time and energy so that your marriage will survive and so that he is working toward his own future.

I wish you both well,
Dr. Marie

March 21, 2011 0 comment