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Terrible Home Environment

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, im 17 year old and I live in what I call a hell hole with my dad, twin brother, step mom, and half siblings. I’ve always had problems living with my dad but it all went south when my dad got married. He started believing that people were trying to kill him with voodoo and so he married this woman a year ago to “protect us”. Then he started accusing me of stealing her stuff, using her stuff without permission, and even trying to kill him. He says that my mom (who lives in a different state) and I team up to put things around the apt to cause harm.

I am severely depressed and I was hospitalized a month ago after I called a suicide hotline and told the lady what I wanted to do to myself. And the only I called the hotline was because I repeatedly told my dad about my suicidal thoughts, and how depressed I am, and he said to leave him alone and if I wanted to continue to cut, I could until I bleed o death and he’ll just take me to the hospital. He moved over this past summer without telling me or my brother (we were at our mom’s house) so I have no one to talk to here.

The house is soo dirty, not just clothes and dirt…its like waste. And food, garbage all over this house, it makes me sick literally…im having stomach issues because don’t want to go to the bathroom, or anywhere else in this place. Im so scared of it..Im a germaphobe and so coming home after school makes me soo anxious and I want to cry. After I came home from the hospital..they gave me this discharge plan and I was put on medication there because of an anxiety attack. theyre antidepressants..welbutrin and because of my mood swings they mentioned mood stabilizers but said i will talk about that with an outpaitian psychiatrist.

The discharge plan said that I was to be placed in an intensive out patient program, and that didn’t happen because my dad says its stupid….2 weeks before my medication was finished I told him that and he just ignored me and so now my meds are done and it’s been a week. He doesn’t seem to care that I need a psychiatrist to monitor my meds. All I get here is threatened like “im gonna break ur neck”, “u’ll see what ill do to you”, “leave and don’t come back” name called like stupid, idiot, useless. I cant stay here anymore, I know im almost out but this is too much..the more I stay here the more suicidal I get and the more I want to cut. i still have mood swings and go into rages and its really bad and thats when i get the most threatened…i just feel like im getting worse…im really jumpy, always anxious..i dont have intense flashbacks anymore but alot of things bring me back and i tell my dad this and he doesnt care..he even said he doesnt
Do I even have any options as a 17 y/o? i really need a psychiatrist…Please help me..thank you for your time.

You are a very brave and resilient individual. I am very sorry to hear about the hardships you are facing on a daily basis. It sounds very difficult. I can understand why you feel anxious, depressed, and physically sick given your situation. Anyone would feel a similar way when faced with the same reality. It is clear that you are in need of help immediately. Below I have a list of possible suggestions for you that may help in your situation.

Contact the outpatient psychiatrist via phone or the mental health workers at the hospital who provided you a discharge plan. Tell them that you need help. Inform them about your home situation. Tell them about your father and the things he says to you. It seems as if he may possibly have a psychotic disorder. He is threatening you. He is not stable. He is paranoid. Tell them about your home living environment and how unsanitary it is. They may not know the full extent of your living situation. If they did, then I wonder how or why they would’ve placed you back in the home. If they knew more about what you’re currently going through, then they may be able to help you move out of the environment and into a more stable and clean home. They could place you in a residential treatment facility or related facility where you can gain relief from your situation. Your mental health is not only at risk but so is your physical health. This is a serious situation.

Another consideration is going to live with a relative. Is there anyone in your family you could live with, at least temporarily? If not a family member then what about a friend?

If none of the above options are helpful then I would strongly suggest speaking to someone at your school. You could speak to a trusted teacher, the school principal, the school nurse, or any other individual in the school who may be able to help you. If not someone at the school, then is there anyone you could speak with at a local church? That is also a consideration.

One last option to consider is calling Child Protective Services. I do not know your location or I would provide you with the phone number but you can generally find the phone number to Child Protective Services in the yellow or white pages. You may be able to do an Internet search. Type in the words “Child Protective Services” and the name of your city or state in a Google search and you should be able to find the phone number.

The bottom line is that you need immediate help. It’s not going to be easy to handle this situation on your own. I would not recommend it. You need outside help ideally from mental health professionals. If you are feeling suicidal then you should call a crisis hotline or go straight to an emergency room. Here’s a number for a crisis hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

Please consider making contact with one of the resources mentioned above. Inform them about your current situation. Be certain that you provide details, especially about your current living situation. They need to know that your home, as you have described it in your letter, is a major health hazard. I hope you’re able to find the help you need. Please write if you have any further questions.

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Can I Force My Father To Seek Help?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My father seems to be suffering from some mental illness that effects my whole family. As a kid (about 4-7 years old, as early as I can remember) he’s been this way. He would hurt my mom, my brother, sister, and I. My mother divorced him after he left us and went to another state to sleep with his sister-in-law.but I now still have to live with him partially, my siblings are of legal age. I’m 13 and have to live with him for another 5 years. I may not sound 13 years old, but trust me, I am. My father and the women he left for he is now married to. He yells at her kids for no reason. I feel like he is the reason I’m depressed. My dad made my step sister’s life so bad she tried to kill herself twice. My dad is an alcoholic, and regularly smokes pot. Is there any why I can legally make him find help for himself?

I’m sorry about your very distressing situation. I believe you may be correct about your father’s behavior contributing to your depression. It is especially concerning that your father is verbally abusive to the children in the home and that your sister has tried to kill herself.

Your inquiry is difficult to answer because you have asked a legal question. I would recommend calling child protective services and asking your question. They may be able to give you a more specific answer. They may also be able to evaluate the situation and determine if it is appropriate for you and your siblings to remain in the home. Below are a few resources that you may find helpful:

  • Child Protective Services in your area: 509-363-3333
  • 24-hour crisis information and referral service: 509-838-4428 or 1-877-678-4428 (TDD: 509-624-0004).

It may be difficult to legally force your father to seek help. You cannot force someone into treatment unless they are court-ordered to attend, or they are a danger to themselves or to others. You have little or no power over your father but there are other possibilities. Is there a trusted and responsible family member that you could live with? What about your mother? Is she aware of your father’s behavior and your sister’s suicide attempts? If not, notify her immediately. It is possible that she can use this information to gain full custody. It may help her make the case that you should not live with your father.

Another idea is to notify a social worker or another person associated with the custody case about your father’s behavior. You could also discuss this matter with a teacher, guidance counselor or principal at school.

If you feel that your father is a danger to you or any other family member, please do not hesitate to call the police. They can keep you safe from harm. This may be one way to force your father to seek help. If the police come to your home because of an incident involving your father, he may be arrested and the judge may order him to attend drug and alcohol treatment. You should also call the authorities immediately if you believe that your sister may harm herself.

Please write again if you have additional questions. I wish you well. Please take care.

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Dealing with an Abusive Family

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. Hello! I come from slightly abusive family (constant verbal abuse and slight physical also) and I have 2 brothers. One of them grew up without seeing any violence before the second one started receiving it. In the past few months, every time someone in the family starts screaming angrily at my little brother (5y-o) and it’s really raging, I get this urge to hurt the brother- push him down the stairs or beat him up. I love my little brother a lot and I could never hurt someone, but I’m so scared of those urges turning into reality. I do blame the brother for what he has done, but I blame others more for raising him up this way; but I don’t understand where the urges come from. I get an image of the situation and right when I snap out of it I start wondering what’s wrong with me, why am I like this. I am a suicidal person, but it’s hard for me to get help right now, but this is only mentioned to maybe get some clearance in my head for why this is happening. Thank you a lot! I really appreciate your time.

You described your family as being only “slightly” abusive. They might be more than “slightly” abusive. It’s possible that a more accurate characterization might be that they are “significantly” abusive.

Many people underestimate the effects of psychological abuse. Verbal abuse is psychological abuse (also known as emotional abuse) and it can be quite detrimental to one’s mental state. For some, psychological abuse is more damaging than other types of abuse, physical or other. Studies have shown that it can lead to depression, anxiety, hypersensitivity, and physical aggression. Emotional scars can be long lasting.

Having been a victim of psychological abuse might explain your anger and aggression towards your brother. The fact that you consider yourself a “suicidal person” further supports the notion that you have been negatively impacted by the abuse in your family. It’s unusual and alarming to be suicidal. It’s worrisome and it warrants immediate intervention from a mental health professional.

You wrote that it is difficult for you to get help, but you did not say why. No matter what circumstances you are facing, you should try to get help. Emotional abuse is linked to the aforementioned conditions and may be the reason why you feel the way you do.

Thankfully, effective treatments exist and can assist you in making positive changes to both your environment and your psychological health. Speak to your school guidance counselor about the abuse in your home. They might be able to help you directly or connect you with outside referrals for treatment. If that’s not an option, then speak to a trusted adult family member and ask for their assistance.

Don’t hesitate to call emergency services if you feel that you might harm yourself or someone else. They will know how to help you and to keep you and your family safe.

One final option is to contact child protective services. Google “child protective services” and your zip code to find a local phone number. They will come to your home, assess your safety and protect you and your siblings from abuse. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Why Is Son’s Wife Saying He Abused Her?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S. My son is getting a divorce. Only married a year. Wife pregnant. Telling everyone he is abusing her. Went to church and started crying saying she can’t believe he is there and she can’t deal with him because of his abuse and she is scared. This is my son’s church. Been there over 11 years. Rarely misses a service. She just started going when they got married. He had told her 2 days before to stop coming because she was harassing him.

Later that day my friend who son’s wife doesn’t know said wife just contacted her and was telling her all the abuse she had to go through from son and me and she had to leave for her safety and her sons. I get off the phone and message my son. He is on phone with wife. Wife is living with parents and she says her brother just abused her and she wants my son to take her boys if she doesn’t make it through the night. He told her he will call the police for her. She said no. Her parents will only tell them she is crazy. Told her to leave and go to shelter. She said no. She started yelling at him that she didn’t call for help and she is tired of dealing with him. Afterwards she post on Facebook that now she is being abused by 2 and “oh the pain. No understanding.”

Is this the behavior of someone being abused or what? Does someone being abused constantly call their abuser dumb and stupid? She harasses him at work so much that his boss says he is calling the police on her if she steps foot on his property. She got into his phone while he slept and read all his messages from everyone he knows. That is why she is mad at me because I gave him legal advice because she said he will never see their unborn child. She went off on me and told me how dare I disrespect her after she read my private messages.

Can you tell me what is happening here? I am completely stunned and not sure what we are dealing with. Also, she pawned her wedding band that son is still paying on. Said it was hers. Few days later, demanded his wedding band because she paid for it. It is hers. Please help.

Sadly, I can’t tell you what is going on with your daughter-in-law without interviewing her. From your description, it is possible that she is suffering from a psychosis related to her pregnancy. It’s rare but it does sometimes happen. The fact that she is accusing multiple people and distrusting people around her who you think are trustworthy suggests that the “abuse” is in her head, but I won’t rule it out. Just because someone is acting symptomatic doesn’t mean that there isn’t also something serious going on.

She needs to be evaluated by a mental health professional, not blamed or shamed or arrested. Since she has other children, it is especially important that she get an evaluation — for their protection as well as hers. Since she reached out to your son to take her other children when she was in such distress (despite the fact that she is accusing him of abusing her), I’m concerned. It may be necessary for him to contact child protective services to ensure the children’s safety. Although I don’t like the term “crazy”, her parents may be correct that there is something seriously wrong.

Since she is attending the church, is it possible that the pastor can influence her to see her obstetrician for a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist? The pastor may be in a unique position to encourage her to get the help and support she needs. Since psychosis related to pregnancy is rare, the evaluator should be alerted that there is some concern by those close to her that it is a possibility.

As for the wedding bands. Once a gift is given, a receiver can do with it what they wish. Although unfortunate, she does have the right to pawn her own ring. But she doesn’t have the right to demand that your son return the ring she gave him.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong. Mum Drinks and I’m Scared.

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I will sum everything up quickly, over the past four or more years my mum has been drinking heavily and my dad works away so he has no power to help, my mum is abusive and very scary when she is drunk. She hits me, calls me names says she regrets me and gets so drunk she goes out for hours and comes back covered in blood and pee, she will then put a towel on and threaten to show me her naked if I don’t stop, which is nothing new since sometimes I walk home from school and she is lying naked. she started drinking heavily when her dad died but this is too much. I also have a social worker , who has tried to help my mum in every was but she isn’t accepting anything and now I have been told I just need to prepare myself for her killing herself. I am so sad about this I have no family to turn too because my mum drive them away and I only have one friend who I can talk too but it doesn’t do anything, I am depressed all the time and want to kill myself, I get so stressed I’m sick, I get so angry I lock myself in my room so I don’t hurt my mum, I can’t control myself or her. what should I do? (age 15, from Scotland)

A:  Thank you for writing in. You need to get some help quickly, not just for your mother, but for yourself. You shouldn’t have to live this way. Your mum has a problem that is so far out of control by now, that she can’t get herself out of it without some serious help. She would need to go through detox at a hospital.

If you haven’t already, you need to tell your father what is going on. It doesn’t matter that he works away, he is your parent and keeping you safe is his responsibility. You also need to tell the social worker how bad things really are and that you can no longer live in this environment. Your mum may not be open to help right now, but you are because you are reaching out.

If your father or the social worker doesn’t do enough to help or it takes too long, I want you to contact Child Protection. You might want to contact them now anyway so that they can help you find a way out of this situation. Here is the contact information: https://www.glasgowchildprotection.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=2053

Your depression and anger are normal. You are reacting to the situation and I’m sure you feel that you have no control. Please don’t do anything to harm yourself, you are already hurting enough. What you can do is ask for help, over and over and over, until a responsible adult steps in and finds a way to keep you safe. We all deserve to feel safe in our own home.  Please hang on to hope, life won’t always be this way. Feel free to share my response with your dad, social worker, teacher, or other family members until someone helps.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Husband Disengaging from Marriage

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My husband and I have been married 30 years. Four years ago we received custody of five grandchildren. The parent have done nothing to comply with Court requirements to get the children returned to them. There are no other family members in a position to care for the children and we have tried but it fails to work out.  Last year I had a major health scare but have since recovered. Now ,my husband has basically told me the kids go or he goes. He has completely disengaged from us and is sullen , critical and grudgingly helpful to a small extent. The bulk of the care and household falls on me. I feel it is unfair to put me or the kids in this position and have told him to go . He is very unpleasant and is narcissistic . I guess I’m seeking guidance and validation in my choice to keep the kids. The only option is foster care and I refuse . They have been with us and are settled in and would be crushed . I realize he may be tired of it , I get tired too but it feels like emotional blackmail to me. (age 56, from US)

I’m so sorry that you have found yourself in this position. What a difficult choice!  There are many grandparents raising their grandchildren these days, but taking in five all at once must be incredibly stressful. I’m wondering if you and your husband were able to talk about all the possible outcomes when you first took them in, but you were probably also thinking that their parents would work harder to get them back. I’m also wondering if you and your husband were having any marital trouble before taking in your grandchildren.

Not everyone is cut out for raising children a second time around and it sounds like your husband feels that it is too much to handle. I also understand that if foster care is the only choice, you feel that you don’t have other options. There are many wonderful foster homes out there, but I’m sure that it would be heartbreaking to see your grandchildren grow up somewhere else and to possibly be divided.

If you ultimately decide to work with your local children service agency to place them in a loving foster home, you should be able to work out a visitation schedule. If you do decide to keep them in your home permanently, you need to tap into resources available to you. Most child protective agencies offer support groups, training and respite care. There may also be other informal networks within your community that you can get involved with, such as a support network formed specifically for grandparents raising their grandkids. Whether you tap into your own network of friends and family or community offerings, you will need ongoing support and time off.

Finally, I know you’re most likely busy and pressed for time, but before you give up on your marriage, I would suggest that you and your husband speak to a marital therapist or a spiritual counselor if you have one. These decisions are life changing for everyone involved. I admire you for what you are doing and hope that it works out. Love doesn’t fix all things, but in this situation, it makes all the difference.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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How Do I Protect My Sisters from My Mother’s Abuse?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.:  I was born in a third-world country and moved to the states when i was four with my parents. Afterwards, my two younger sisters were born. From a young age, my mom was always the highly-tempered and kind of chaotic mother while my dad was the emotionally-unavailable. Once I was ten years old, I had depression and anxiety. It wasn’t until 4 years later that I seeked professional help.

Now, my mom is very, very religious (not exaggerating). And she tends to use religion to shame everyone around her like she enjoys telling people how they are going to hell. My dad doesn’t have a religion so she continually tries to convert him. On top of this, when I told her about my depression and how it was progressive getting worse, she just shrugged and told me to pray about it. When i told my dad, he really didn’t care about it either. Which is when I seeked an actual therapist. And to be honest, she isn’t that much of a help since she just talks about herself and tells me to meditate.

The thing is, my mom is very unmindful of others. My sisters, who are not even 7 yet, are completely witnessing all this and it just breaks my heart. She hits them, cusses at them daily, and just make them feel worthless. The worst thing is, my dad just sits there and listens to her yell at them everyday. Sure here or there he intervene but then gives up. He doesn’t care anymore and she doesn’t either. I don’t have any family within the state and getting others involved will just make things worse.With language barriers and a broken family, its just going to be she said she said.

I’ve tried to explain to her countless times, even wrote it out for her literally, about how what’s she’s doing is wrong. But i’m just belittled and told to shut up because she sacrificed so much for me to be here and gave birth to me. Like somehow deciding to have a baby and actually having to take care of it is something I have to thank her for everyday. Why give birth to me if your going to treat me this way?

My mom has verbally and sometimes physically abused me my whole life, and I just can’t bare to watch her do the same to my sisters too.
Thank you for taking your time to read all this! Any advice is appreciated.

I’m sure this is very difficult for you. Not every kid gets the parent they need or deserve. But knowing that doesn’t help you, does it.

Your little sisters have something you don’t — a big sister who cares about them and who can provide a supportive presence in their lives. Don’t underestimate the power of your love and caring. You may not think you are doing much, but in an environment like this, you are providing an essential support for them.

Since you already have a therapist, the place to start is with her. Have you told her about your concerns? You didn’t share the specifics about how your little sisters are being abused so I can’t offer direct advice.

I can tell you that if a therapist knows there is physical and emotional abuse going on, she is required to report to child protective services. A report does not necessarily result in removal of children. Ideally, a report is followed by supportive services to improve the parents’ parenting skills and to keep the family together. Talk to your therapist about what usually happens in your state.

If you are worried that even talking about it will trigger a report, begin with a hypothetical question llike: “What would you do if you knew that there is physical abuse of little kids is going on in a home? What would child protective services do?” Her answers will help you make a decision about how to move forward. I hope you will think it over very carefully. If your sisters are being harmed, I hope you will work with the therapist to find a way to put a stop to it.

I’m sorry that you feel your therapist isn’t much help. I hope you have talked to her about your perception that your therapy isn’t helping you and that meditation isn’t useful when abuse is actively going on. Unless you’ve talked to her about it, she doesn’t know. I hope that once you have that conversation, you and your therapist will make some changes in your sessions so they are more helpful.

If not, it may be time to think about a change in therapist. Sometimes a client and therapist aren’t a good “fit” for each other. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. No one can be all things to all people. It’s okay to ask for a transfer if you continue to feel that your therapist doesn’t understand you or doesn’t help you address the problems in your home in a useful way.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Wife Extremely Paranoid Out of the Blue

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

7 weeks ago my wife had a full hystorectomy done because she had really bad abdominal pains. almost 2 weeks ago (wednesday) i came home from work and she was crying and was very emotional and wouldnt stop talking about her past and her family. i expected this kind of behavior considering the surgery and comforted her. this went on for a few days. then she became fully convinced that our neighbor (her best friend) wanted her to call child protective services on her husband because of abuse. the strange thing was she never actually talked to friend about it. this idea then began taking over everything she did and she couldnt really fuction and was confused a lot of the time. we also have twin boys which are 3yrs of age and she is a stay at home mother. so finally her friend and i sat her down and had a long talk about her conserns regaurding her friend’s family (sunday). everything seemed to be fine after that..for a couple days. tuesday afternoon hit and i was to be away on a trip for 10 days. i thought she was fine. she was acting like herself again. well on wednesday i got a call from my fist sergeant (i am in the air force) saying my wife was on base and asking for help because her friend’s husband was trying to hurt our kids. she thought that while she and our boys were sleeping he broke into our house, physically abused my sons, then left. she was convinced that my boys have bruises on them. well, she was escorted to the ER and i called a buddy of mine to watch the boys for me untill i was able to catch the next flight back home. she has been in the hospital for 4 days and they are still trying to figure out what is wrong with her. this was out of the blue. i mean it was like a light switch that went off in her head. even when i go and visit her she is absolutely convinced that her friend’s husband is trying to hurt our boys. when in fact is our boys were never hurt and he isnt an abuser. i guess my question is what can cause this. she was normal up untill that one night i came home from work. i miss my wife.

Anecdotally, I am aware of several cases in which a woman has had a medical procedure, such as a hysterectomy or a cesarean section, and experienced a psychotic episode very soon thereafter. It is as though the medical procedure triggered the psychological event. Another possible explanation is that the medical procedure was psychologically traumatizing, thus triggering the psychotic episode. Unfortunately, those theories are virtually impossible to test.

You may never know why your wife has developed her symptoms but what’s most important is that she receives the best possible treatment. She has been in the hospital and fortunately has likely been evaluated by a psychiatrist and members of his or her treatment team. Speak to them about the best way to treat her symptoms. They will likely suggest medication. Medication only works if the patient is willing to take it. Upon her discharge, it will be important for you to ensure that she takes her prescribed medication. The medication can reduce or eliminate her symptoms.

Also inquire about other types of treatment. Speak to the hospital social worker to review the possibilities. Therapy may be an option.

Make sure the hospital staff develops a comprehensive discharge plan that involves followup appointments with community or private mental health agencies. Other important factors involved in helping your wife recover and remain stable should include decreasing stress and having a supportive network of friends and family. Stress can trigger psychological events and therefore it is important that she feels calm and relaxed. Having a supportive network of friends and family can have a buffering effect in that it can reduce the likelihood of future psychological events.

You would also benefit from having support. Connect with your local National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) support groups either online or in person.

I hope that you are able to “get your wife back.” I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Husband Sexually Abused Our Daughter

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

Three days ago I found out that a year ago my husband sexually abused my daughter. I don’t know what to do I love my daughter very much and I love him I will protect her at all costs, I have put locks on her door locks on the bathroom and she is not left alone with him. I confronted him but he denies it stating he loves our baby very much and would never hurt her. I want to believe him but I could never not believe her. I want to know if our family unit is savable would therapy help what should I do. I don’t want to be a bad mother and I don’t want to lose my family.

I can’t even imagine how painful and confusing it is for you to hear that your husband sexually abused your daughter. In spite of your overwhelming feelings and confusion about who to believe, you are required by law to report the suspected abuse. Here is a link to the Florida Abuse Hotline so you can report it immediately and they can begin investigating. As your daughter’s mother, you must protect her first, over your husband and over your marriage. How you handle this situation, and whether or not you believe her, support her, and protect her will largely determine how well she recovers from the trauma throughout the rest of her life.

I strongly suggest that you immediately ask your husband to find a temporary place to live until the abuse investigation has been completed in order to protect your daughter, and that you get your daughter into treatment with a therapist specializing in sexual abuse as soon as possible. Click the Find Help link at the top of this page or ask for some recommended therapists from the department of children and family services when you call to report.

I have so many questions for you. How did you find out? How old is your daughter? Is your husband your daughter’s father or stepfather? Does your husband have any history of sexual offenses? But all of these questions are secondary to protecting your daughter and to reporting the alleged abuse. Reporting and protecting will likely require you to put your own fear of losing your marriage and family on hold temporarily so you can take the necessary steps to protect your daughter.

I don’t know whether your family is salvageable because at this point there are too many unknowns. If your husband did in fact abuse your daughter, he will need to participate in intensive treatment, face the legal consequences for his abusive behavior, and take responsibility for his abhorrent behavior. Even then, a large determining factor will be whether your daughter wants to have any kind of a relationship with him.

The most important and immediate factor here is protecting your daughter and doing what is in her best interest. So again, here is my recommendation for your course of action:

  1. Report the alleged abuse to Child Protective Services
  2. Ask your husband to live elsewhere while the facts get sorted out by the authorities
  3. Get your daughter into treatment

I wish you well in this extremely difficult situation. Take good care.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Family and Anger Issues

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

It’s a mixture of family issues and an issue with my own self. I’ve been told I have anger issues. I’m 14 years old, my name is Danielle. I live with my mom who is a single parent. I do have an older sister who’s 23, she lives in the downtown area of my city though. My mom is an alcoholic. She’s pretty ok when she’s sober. She’s annoying though, but whose parents aren’t? But when she drinks, she becomes horrible. A complete replica of Dr. Jekyl and Mr.Hide. She becomes verbally abusive. I know its only words, but, they hurt. Deeply. And kind of sensitive but I don’t show it. It reminds me too much of when I was elementary school and used to get picked on by this one boy. I’d cry when I got home. But when she drinks, she calls me ‘stupid’, ‘whore’, ‘bitch’, and any other name in the book. She makes me feel like utter trash. She becomes physically abusive also. She’s slapped me before, pulled my hair, choked me. But now that I’ve become older I fight back, words and fist. I’ve beaten her with her own crutch, beaten her in the head ’till there was a gash. Actually this just happened not too long ago actually. My left cheek still has a slight scar from when she scratched it about last week. I get so angry at her whenever she tries to tell me she’ll change, and that she’ll get better. I get angry because I know its a complete lie, and I despise getting lied to. Its happened too many times to me. I’ve gotten so emotional and angry that I punched a hole in the door of our bathroom door, and another time when I was angry I threw a glass cup at the wall and a hole is now there too. I get angry at any other thing too. Sometimes I feel like screaming and pulling my hair out. Many times I feel insane and crazy because of that. I’m a ‘cutter’ I’ve cut myself multiple times due to the depression,sadness,and pure hatred I feel. I’ve wanted to commit suicide by either hanging myself, or over-dosing on pills, any kind. At times I feel bipolar because I can change my emotions quickly. I don’t know what to do. I feel myself spiraling out of control.

Your mother physically, psychologically and emotionally abuses you. In addition, she is teaching you that violence is okay. Whenever you become upset or angry, you either react with violence (i.e. throwing things or punching holes in the wall) or physically harm yourself. Your reaction is understandable, given the situation but it is important to recognize that violence, in any form, is never acceptable.

When you are upset, angry or anxious, it is important that you have alternative ways to handle your feelings. Physical violence and self harm are maladaptive reactions. Consider the following alternatives:

  • remove yourself from the source of the anger
  • punch your pillow, instead of the wall
  • watch television
  • listen to music
  • call a friend
  • write your feelings in a journal
  • engage in deep breathing exercises
  • engage in intense physical exercise

Your mother’s abuse is unacceptable. Child abuse, in any form, is against the law. Child Protective Services (CPS) could assist you. I would suggest that you call them and discuss your situation with them. CPS can help you find alternative living arrangements which may include moving in with your older sister. They can also help you access counseling and other necessary psychiatric treatments. The fact that you are considering suicide is indicative of how serious your situation has become.

Calling CPS might also force your mother to seek help for her alcoholism. I understand that reporting your mother may be very difficult. I worked with many children and teenagers who suffered greatly at the hands of their parents but who were very resistant to reporting the abuse to the proper authorities. On one hand, they were very upset with their parents. They were abused and harmed by them. They were very resentful of their parents. On the other hand, they were protective of their parents and didn’t want them to be punished. You may not want your mother to get into trouble but she is abusing you. Her behavior is causing you significant psychological, physical and emotional harm. It is unfair to you and it needs to be stopped. To find the phone number for your local CPS, do a Google search for “child protective services” and the name of your state.

If you are unwilling to report the abuse to CPS, then you should strongly consider living with your sister or another trusted relative, if possible. Another option is to speak to someone at your school. It could be a guidance counselor, a teacher, the principal, the school nurse, etc. These individuals are trained to intervene in abusive situations. In addition, they may also help you access counseling. I believe you could greatly benefit from outside help.

I hope that you will consider one of the aforementioned options. Your home environment is toxic. It is driving you to consider suicide. It is a very serious situation that requires a significant, positive change. If you feel that you cannot control your behavior or that you may harm yourself, call 911 or go to an emergency room. The hospital can keep you safe. The hospital can also help you access psychiatric services. You can also call the national suicide prevention hotline at 800-273-8255. You need to reach out for help and I hope that you do so. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My dad abuses me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been getting hit by my dad for as long as I can remember. It has been a really long time. He really ruins my life. I am so scared to be in my own house. He abuses me physically and mentally. He punches with full force, he gives me bruises, marks that last until the next day, he hits me with the belt, and today he threatened to break my neck. He almost strangled me. I don’t love him at all. I have no respect for him and he means nothing to me. We don’t have a good relationship, I don’t tell him anything. Even if I don’t do anything wrong he will find a way to make it seem like I did do something wrong and yell and me and hit me. I can’t take it anymore. Last week I almost told my school, I really want to but I’m scared because I still have to deal with living with him until I am a legal adult. I have pictures of it the marks and bruises he has given me. I lock myself in the bathroom whenever I get into fights with him or he hits me. I really don’t know what to do anymore. He scares me more than anything in this world. I don’t even want him to be my dad anymore. He says he wishes I was never born, I’m stupid, I am useless, there is nothing good about me, I am a devil, he wishes he never had me, I am the worst kid out of all 3. He also says “why did god curse me with you”. He really ruins my life. If he weren’t in my life, it would be amazing. I can’t be with him anymore. He is the worst father a kid could have. Please help me.

You are very brave and did the right thing by writing us here. I am so sorry you have to deal with your father’s abuse. You do not have to put up with this. You list your age as 14 and your father should not be beating you and saying these things to you. I believe you that these things are happening and you should know that you are protected by laws in your state if you are being abused and you can contact child protective services directly for help. If you need assistance in doing this you can ask a guidance counselor at your school or a trusted teacher to help you make the call. They are obligated to follow up on helping you when there are clear signs of abuse. Show them the pictures.

Here is the hotline number for your state 800-342-3720 and the link to their website. Know that you do not have to put up with your father’s violence. Talk to someone at your school today.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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