Tag:

China

What is best for my baby?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 19th, 2023

i had a daughter when i was 16, and my parents made me bring her to china so that they can take care of her while i finish school. i really did not want her to leave my side, but i knew it was best for her. she went to china when she was around 3 months old. her one year birthday is coming up (march 26th) so i came to china to visit her. today is my first day here, and i knew that she probably was not going to remember me, but it still hurts! she loves her grandma which is my mom, and her baby sitter alot.

i understand that, but it’s just that i feel so left out of her life! i wanted to bring her back to america with me, (i’m leaving in one month) but now i’m not sure if that is the best way. in america, i’ve already planned out what to do with her. i would have enough money to hire a babysiter, and my grandma (not my mom, but my mom’s mother) would be there to help me out also. I would be part time working, and i would start going to college in the summer since i’ve graduated high school already. the only problem now is that i don’t know if it’s a good idea to take her away from her baby sitter right now, and from my mom, and all these other people that she’s close to. i’m afraid it might traumatize her, since she might miss them. please give me advice on what to do!!

If I were seeing you in person, I would ask you if you could possibly stay in China and put off college for a year or two. That would give you time to bond with your baby so that she would be clear about who her mother is if you did eventually decide that it would be best to leave her with your mom while you get your schooling. Extending your visit would also give you time to think things through. I worry that the pressure of a one month visit could force a decision prematurely.

Complicating things is that it will be hard on your daughter no matter what you do. Wherever she goes she will be accompanied by the loss of someone she loves. Leave and she loses you. Take her with you and she loses the people she is closest to. On the other hand, there is love in both places to balance the loss. That gives me confidence that she will probably be okay whichever decision you make.

Luckily, computers make it easier for your daughter to stay in touch with all the people who love her. If you return to the States (with or without her), I hope you can invest in a webcam so she can maintain contact with both of her worlds.

I hope you and your family can talk about all the alternatives and make a choice that is best for everyone. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. I do encourage you to remember that no decision is irreversible. You and the family will do your best to make a good decision. But if it isn’t working for you, you can change your mind. You are only 17. You have plenty of time to be both a student and a mother to your child.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 19, 2023 0 comment

Can’t Trust Boyfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 3rd, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. When we were together for about 4 months, my grandmother in a different state became ill and was in the hospital. My family and I went to see her for the weekend. While I was away I found out my boyfriend lied to me. He told me he went and had a beer while I was away… when I came to find out he actually got a lil tipsy and one of our friends had to give him a ride home he was so drunk and couldn’t drive. I was very upset, but forgave and moved on. That Monday my grandmother died. So I had to go again for the weekend for the viewing… and while I was gone he did the same thing. He lied, got drunk and this time he drove home drunk. I was very upset that he did this while I was dealing with my grandmother’s illness and then her death.
Then I found emails he sent to craigslist personal ads. Some of them even had pics of himself attached. He claimed he was hacked. Since his google account was synced with his phone a hacker could get his pics and send them… I didn’t believe it and I was very hurt, but we moved on.
I was starting to trust him again and I had won tickets to a show. I went and he was already supposed to go bowling on his league that night. He told me he wasnt drinking since he had to work the next day.
Well I was our ride home that night and as soon as he got in the car i could tell he was drunk. He told me he had only 3 beers… then about an hour later it changed to 3 beers and two shots. Finally the next day he told me he had 3 beers and a total of about 7 shots. In the process of trying to get him to tell me the truth, he broke a door to the china cabinet and a door to the basement.

Well all my trust I had for him was gone… again. And then he gets mad that I question everything he does.
I always wonder when his phone goes off, I wonder what he’s doing or who hes talking to when Im not around. Im afraid to even go somewhere for the night, or even on a weekend beach trip with friends because I know its when Im away from him that he lies or does something he shouldnt.
He says he is done drinking now, and he deleted that email account and doesnt have his accounts synced up anymore and there hasn’t been any emails since.
But how do I get him to understand that I am uncomfortable and I am going to question everything? And how do I get to trust him again?
I love him with everything and we bought a house together and I want to make it work but I just dont know how to if I cant trust him. What can we do to make this work, to get me to trust him fully again?

Thanks for reading this and thanks for the help in advance.

It sounds like you may have given your boyfriend too many chances. It makes sense to me that you would remain skeptical about his recovery, and his fidelity.

I think if you are going to go forward you may want to get the opinion of a good couples counselor. Use the find help tab at the top of this page to help you locate someone in your area with that specialty.

To be honest, your boyfriend sounds like he has a long way to go. The fact that he gets angry at you illustrates that he may not understand how his behavior affects others.

I would strongly recommend you see a couples counselors sooner than later. If your boyfriend refuses to go, you may want to consider going for yourself to develop support as you decide how –- or if — you want to proceed with the relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

April 3, 2022 0 comment

Losing Control?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 5th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Should I return to the UK to get treatment? In short, I had the typical bad childhood. My father was an abusive alcoholic who beat my mum and brother and was constantly in and out of prison. Both of my parents tried to kill themselves and as a teenager I would binge drink, take hard drugs, self harm and starve myself.

Now I’m 21 and I’ll be honest, I thought I would just grow out of that behavior. But I have great difficulty controlling my moods which bounce around from suicidal, euphoric to violent or anxious every hour or so, sometimes within minutes. I have extreme difficulty in making decisions as my thoughts, feelings, opinions and pretty much my whole personality changes around 2 or 3 times A day. I don’t feel like I can trust my thoughts and honestly I have no idea what kind of person I am. I often make impulsive decisions like sleeping with my boss or quitting my job and moving to China. Decisions that I almost always regret and normally I don’t know why I made that decision. I obsess over people in extreme ways and then despise them as soon as I feel they have disappointed me, which maybe just a bored look they gave me or a flippant comment they made. I have weird thoughts and often feel as if people are watching my every move or have ulterior motives no matter what they do, I feel as though i have a rational and irrational side and they are constantly at battle.

Sometimes I talk to people who really I know don’t exist but knowing this doesn’t make it any less real.

I still self harm,I binge drink and am very promiscuous, often engaging in unprotected sex with violent and abusive men and women. I have been moving all over the world trying to get away from this but I think its time to stop and admit that I can’t do this alone, no amount of meditation or self reflection has helped me. My behavior damages my relationships, careers and has left me scarred and bruised. I’m currently living in China, from the research I have done, mental health services are not exactly common. My Chinese is poor and I don’t have the money to pay for a private English speaking therapist.

My question is,is my behavior just part of my personality or is there really some kind of treatment that could make me better? If I return to England I will have to start again, but I really can’t live like this. Is there anything I can do to fix myself? At times I have random impulses to kill myself and extreme urges to throw myself off of balconies or in front of trains. I’m hit by waves of grief which cripple and make it impossible for me to move.

Is it time to admit that I can’t cure myself and get some help? I assume the first step would be seeing my doctor?

Thanks for your help.

You may have had a breakthrough of sorts: “I have been moving all over the world trying to get away from this but I think it’s time to stop and admit that I can’t do this alone…”

You’re right. You can’t do this alone but that’s not to say that you have failed. You’re making the assumption that if only you would’ve tried harder you would’ve succeeded. Mental health professionals spend years in training, earning advanced degrees, learning complicated skills to treat mental health disorders. Without years of training and experience, it is immensely difficult to effectively treat mental health disorders.

You also have a skewed view of your childhood. You described it as “typical” but there’s no such thing as a “typical” bad childhood. No two people, not even siblings who share the same household, have the same experience. What might’ve been traumatic for you may not have been traumatic for a sibling and vice versa. The way in which we are raised, our social class, level of social support, family dynamics, and many other factors, affect our personality, temperament, attitude and shape our worldview.

You could read self-help books. Some of the best include those by M. Scott Peck, David Burns and Abraham Maslow. Maslow’s work is particularly important because he studied psychologically healthy people and described their characteristics. You could benefit by reading about the characteristics of self-actualizing people.

If it’s possible for you to consult a mental health professional, you should. Along with your own self-help research, it could significantly improve your life. Never think that you are beyond help. The people who are the most difficult to help, are those who don’t want help and that’s simply not the case with you. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

June 5, 2021 0 comment