Q. I have been through allot as in when I was 14 my father passes away causing me and my mother to totally hate each other which that affected me as well at the age of 17 I was pregnant and felt as if my family especially my mother caused me more stress then I needed making my pregnancy a horrible experience. Situations at home was always bad between me and my mother the father of my daughter was an addict that stole from me then I got with the father of my second daughter in which I feel is the cause of my rage. I always had an attitude problem but never did i fight or get violent I never been in a fight in my life and usually it took allot for me to get overboard angry. Lately for the past yr my anger has gotten out of control I feel as if something is wrong with me I get so upset I react in the moment not aware of the things that I am doing I got arrested for beating my boyfriend and I began to cut myself to release the anger I had inside when I get angry I feel as if I have to hit someone in order to release it so I hurt myself instead. One time my cousin got me upset and I reacted by taking the closes thing to me which was a fork and trying to stab him, my brother caught my hand in time but I was not even aware of it after I calmed down and we began to talk about it I felt really bad and though of what would of happened if it would of happened. I am always going through an emotional rollercoaster and these feelings really scare me.
What is good about your letter is that it seems to me that you realize that anger and out of control behaviors are problems for you. You accept these as problems in your life and you are ready, willing and open to change your behavior. As a therapist, I would say that you are at a very good starting place. Now, the next difficult step is going to get the help that you know you need. I must also stress that it is important for you to get this help not only for you but for your daughter. If is imperative that she has a healthy and strong mother who can model proper behaviors. If she does not have a good model to follow, she will likely copy your negative behaviors. It seems that you did not have a good role model to follow and no one showed you how to handle your emotions or behavior. Now, as an adult and mother it is time for you to find a therapist to help you overcome your issues and in doing so you will give your daughter the gift of a good, strong role model that you did not have access to. Good luck.