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I Cheated and I Can’t Cope

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I recently cheated on my boyfriend of three years with his friend. In hindsight, and while talking through the whole situation with Boyfriend, I realized that I was feeling neglected, and more like a friend than a girlfriend. I had been trying to talk to Boyfriend for a long time about this issue (at least a year), and nothing ever really was remedied. I was in a situation where I could get the attention I needed, and I took it, reluctantly at first. Boyfriend and I have talked over the whole issue, and we have mutually agreed to try and get past this, to fix the underlying issues that we are obviously having in our relationship.

Unfortunately, after I told Boyfriend about what had happened, Boyfriend’s friend (whom I cheated with)denied the entire thing, after I told Boyfriend about the entire situation, after I had fully disclosed, if you will, everything that had happened. In fact, he more than denies what happened between us – he is now telling anyone who will listen that I was after him, I was attracted to him for years, and I approached him with my feelings for him, and he rejected me, pushed me away. This person has his own issues, which I will not get into, only to summarize that he is bipolar and does not take his medication, has ADHD, and is a drug user, among other things.

Now, what happened is simple: I was lonely and feeling like I needed attention, and he gave me attention on several occasions. I then told him that I had had enough, that I was ending what we had, that the risk of losing my boyfriend was too much to have at stake. He said that I helped him to have better self-esteem, and that he will never forget me. It had been our agreement not to tell Boyfriend what happened between us, but over time, I could not go on in my relationship with him honestly if he did not know of what happened. This is when this person started acting strangely, and actually attempted suicide twice. I am now staying away from this person, but Boyfriend works with him.

I understand that he needs time to cope, and to get past visually thinking about what actually happened between his friend and I, and also time to cope from losing one of his friends.

I also understand that I need time to cope. I will be honest and say that I do not even know how to start. I don’t know how to cope with what I have done to this relationship, and I am having an extremely hard time dealing with how Boyfriend’s friend has responded to my ending our infidelity. He is actually blatantly lying to Boyfriend’s face about what happened between us! Why would someone lie about this, why would I lie to my Boyfriend about cheating if I had not?

Please help – I need someone to help me clear this up, so that I can move past this, and be in a happy state of mind again; so that Boyfriend and I can move on in our relationship and remedy the problems we are having and were having before any of this happened.

What a hard lesson you are learning! You handled feeling neglected immaturely. Instead of dealing directly with your boyfriend about how you were feeling, you cheated. I don’t know if you were secretly hoping to make the bf jealous or if you were trying out a new love for size. Either way, you weren’t being honest with anyone, including yourself.

Now you are going round and round in your own mind about what you did and didn’t do, what the lover did, what your boyfriend did and didn’t do. None of it matters. You can’t sort out an objective truth when you are dealing with the complexity of three people’s feelings. What matters is what you want to do next and whether your boyfriend, who is the victim in this situation, wants you enough to move forward. If so, both of you need to stop listening to the third party and start focussing on yourselves and each other. What does your boyfriend need from you to rebuild his trust? What do you need from the boyfriend to be truly committed to the relationship? Couples can and do manage to regain trust but only when they work honestly and openly with each other. See my article, Those Cheating Hearts.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Should We Try Couples Counseling?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Im a believer and I decided to pray for my situation. I went to a psychologist, her theory is: I have a trauma from my childhood that led me to look for a man with the same type of relationship I had with my father (a man that took care of me and that I didnt like sexually at all, my ex). My boyfriend went to a session, the psych said he also has his traumas…

The other side of the story before I thought about my ex is: At the beggining of the relationship my boyfriend tried to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I found a series of conversations through facebook. I also found 8 or more conversations of him, hitting on other girls. This was the main reason of our break up. After this, I felt really bad and thought I wanted my ex back.

Anyways, He said his friends signed in his FaceBook and talked to her but after he found out about my “thoughts about my ex” he told the thruth, “I was looking for sex”… And, during our break up… In that month, he slept with her and 2 other girls…

We got back together… Have 6 months NOW (I miscounted). And we feel great together. The only thing is trust. I’m afraid he still talks with his ex girlfriend. He did it while having a great realtionship with me, why wouldn’t he do it now? He says he woulnd’t do it now because: “now I love you. And then, I didnt know you like I do now, I thought you were just like the other girls”.

Anyways, he says I also cheated on him, maybe I did, mentally…
What can we do to build trust? Should we go together to therapy?

Thanks you for your time,

Thank you for writing. I hope you got more from the therapist than an analysis. Being told you both have trauma histories isn’t particularly useful unless you also are helped to use that information to forge a more mutually compassionate and supportive relationship. Being given only an analysis is like being told that it’s raining but not being helped to get out of the storm.

If you two feel great together and really love each other, you both need to stop keeping score. You weren’t together for awhile. He did some things. You thought some things. You both decided that you wanted to try again to make a good relationship with each other. That was like a reset button. Once you push it, old stuff doesn’t apply.

Trust is a gift we give people we love. If you both want this relationship to work, offer it lovingly and wholeheartedly but with the understanding that trust is easily broken. Pledge to be faithful and keep that pledge. Neither one of you wants to live with the constant anxiety that your partner is looking for someone else. If you can’t both, at the same time, commit to this, then wish each other well, say goodbye, and learn from the loss.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Will This Relationship Work?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Tonight my boyfriend of five years told me that he cheated on me (protected) last week while drunk at a party with a girl he dosn’t know. About two years ago he slept with another female during a brief break up and contracted and eventually gave me a STD, I broke up with him then. At the time he was about 18 and I about 16. About a year and a half ago I decided to give the relationship another chance in hopes that he had matured enough for this commitment. This past year and a half has been amazing, we handle all problems like adults and are able to compromise and he had ultimately gained my trust back. This recent infidelity has come as a complete shock to me. Our relationship seemed to be at its best and I was considering marriage as the next step. I am now completely devastated and I just don’t know what to do. He is BEYOND remorseful and has been begging for me to stay offering to do anything. Everyone I talk to claims “men cheat” and that what he did, while wrong and inexcusable, shouldn’t be ground for break up. I know more detail is needed for a complete response but to sum it up I have been with him (solely) since I was 14, now 18 and in college (& a little mature for my age)with our relationship/love being SO strong plans on moving together to our own place and marriage were in the making. I know how sorry he is and I am sure he really will do w.e. it takes to get me back, I just don’t know if I should. I am so hurt and I feel like it may be more hurt to leave that stay. I feel like I found something good and I wish he didn’t put me in this position. I am beginning to consider couples counseling? Please help!!!

Couples counseling is a great idea. However great your relationship is, your boyfriend has twice acted in a way that pulls you two back from a permanent commitment. He needs to take a serious look at just why he has done that. You need to take it seriously too. It could well be that he isn’t as ready to take the next steps toward a life together that you are but isn’t able or willing to face it to himself or to you.

It’s not incompatible for him to care for you a good deal and still not be ready. You two have been together through your teen years and have no experience with other people. There may be a part of him that wonders what he’s missing if he slips right into marriage.

It’s wise to think about couples counseling. A skilled counselor will help the two of you bring any doubts or fears to the surface so you can deal with them directly instead of by creating a crisis. You will deepen your understanding of yourselves and each other and you will improve your communication.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Can I Improve My Communication Skills?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have problems expressing my thoughts: Ever since the day I was born, I’ve always had problems expressing my thoughts and getting out what I wanted to say. I often write notes rather than talk to people because it’s hard for me to put in words what I want to say. This makes me seem kinda dumb and crazy. The deal, is that, while in school, I am taking a lot of classes that deal with speaking and yes, I’m unfortunately unseasoned. As I am in a sociology class, how I can express to the class in a lecture how on Herbert Spencer and the functioning of society. Don’t get me wrong, I am of popularity at my high school, and have many friends but I really can’t even to them express what I want to say and it feels like I’m from another planet.

Being able to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a clear manner can be very difficult. You’re not alone. To varying degrees, many people struggle with the same challenge. Unclear communication has led to many unnecessary arguments between friends, families, couples, and perhaps even countries. Clear communication is something that takes practice. It is a skill that you can develop and acquire over time. You may struggle with it now but with practice and continued effort you will likely improve. Here are a few ways you may be able to improve your communication skills:

  • Join a debate club. Debate clubs often foster skills such as articulating logical arguments and developing clarity of thought.
  • Join Toastmasters. Toastmasters is an organization that helps individuals develop good public speaking skills. Here is a link to their website that describes the benefits of joining.
  • Practice with friends or family. Objective listeners may be able to identify unclear presentation of ideas.
  • Have other people read your work. With regard to writing, sometimes we become “too close” to our work and no longer see where we may be making errors. An objective observer can point out overlooked mistakes.
  • Read. Reading has many benefits. It’s like exercising the mind. It keeps us mentally sharp. You may want to read works by “great” writers. Opinions vary greatly but a list of great writers may include Tolstoy, Dickens, Hemingway, and many others. Another way to develop your communication skills may be to read editorials and news articles in prominent newspapers such as The New York Times. Pay attention to sentence structure, grammar, presentation of ideas, and so forth and it could help you to improve your skills. Frank Rich, Op-Ed columnist for The New York Times, writes with impressive clarity. E.J. Dionne Jr. and Eugene Robinson of The Washington Post are also excellent writers, among others. You may also want to consider reading books about communication.
  • Take a public speaking class. Many people avoid public speaking classes but if you’re interested in developing communication skills, I would highly recommend it. It could help you to be a more sensitive and deliberate communicator. Public speaking courses encourage an examination of our thoughts and beliefs and thus may lead to clarity of thought.
  • Make it a point to speak when you’d rather write a letter. You mentioned that you write notes because you feel uncomfortable expressing yourself. It is okay on some occasions to write instead of speaking to someone directly but not if you do it to avoid the uncomfortable feeling associated with trying to express yourself. Try to force yourself to speak instead of writing. It may not be easy and it may be unpleasant at first but over time your communication skills may improve.
  • Ask for an objective opinion. You struggle with communication but it would be interesting to know if others share that opinion. You could ask your friends, family members or teachers whether they agree with your self-evaluation. Their responses may surprise you. You may find that you are much better at communicating than you give yourself credit for.

I hope those ideas are helpful to you. Thanks for your question. I wish you luck.

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He can’t find joy in life anymore

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 22 and for almost two years now I’ve been confused with life and emotion. After a woman I loved left me for her own selfish reasons, that I’ve been over for a while now, I feel a general lack of feeling in most cases. Things that made me happy and excited don’t have as deep an impact any longer. I used to find a ton of joy in playing guitar, listening to music, and watching movies or playing video games.

That said, the most prevalent emotion I can feel intensely is rage, my current girlfirned who I’ve been with for over a year and has been living with me most of that time can vouch for me. I feel like she makes a lot of stupid idiotic mistakes and I can’t help but feel extremely angry at her even for small things that don’t matter much. Also, I couldn’t hold a job at Radioshack where I had to talk to customers because their stupidity and even the way they talked made me so angry that it impeded my job performance.

Also, I have trouble motivating myself to do even simple things that I typically don’t do everyday. Like if I have to go visit my grandparent’s or help a friend with something, I would rather sleep in or blow them off because I don’t feel like leaving home. However, this couples with the fact that it seems like none of my friends have time to do anything anyways. I’m 22 so most of them have jobs or are also in school, but they literally seem to never have time. On top of that, I feel like everyone is bound to betray me or are out to rip me off somehow. Even people I have known for years and care about. Additionally, strange things make me really sad, like even writing this is making me tear up. When I see families or friends laughing and having a good time, when I’m in public and just observing people, it makes me so depressed taht I sometimes have to leave where I’m at to hide so no one will see me cry. Smiley faces and other symbols like that also make me sad. I generally feel very unhappy and incomplete.

I have no sexual desires for my girlfriend, but like the companionship. Sometimes I don’t even want her to be near me though, and I just hate the thought of spending time with her. I very rarely can find myself in any kind of aroused state and I feel very dull and bored most of the time. I find myself thinking of death and the end of the world and other horribly dismal things. At college when the other students who seem to generally be much younger than me make stupid remarks or speak improperly it makes me want to tear their bodies apart.

Typically I hold this all in, because no matter who I tell I feel like no one takes me seriously. I’ve been in 3 different schools after high school ended. This is the one I know I’ll finish in, but I just feel like I’m a joke among people who know me for that. Most of my life I’ve felt embarrassed about myself, whether it be my body, the way I talk, or the way I look in some way.

I’m just so tired of being overwhelmed with such intense emotions and not being able to find joy in life anymore.

I’m so very sorry that the joy has gone out of living for you. I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of only a letter, of course. But it’s a strong possibility that you are suffering from a major depression.

Most universities (including yours) have counseling services. Please take advantage of help that is so readily available. Make an appointment to have an initial meeting with a counselor. If you are too embarrassed to tell your story, bring your letter. You did an excellent job describing what life has been like for you. With the support of a therapist and perhaps some medicine, you could be feeling at least a little better in a month or two. I’m glad that it’s summer and that you have a break from classes. This is a good time to get a jump-start on taking care of yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My fiance cheated on me!

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello I have an Issue! My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years and we have a child together. I have always trusted him 100 percent and he has never given me a reason not to. We are planning to get married in 2 weeks. So I joined a case study for female condoms and prior to entering the study you have to get a pap smear to ensure that you are STD free along with a pregnancy test. About 1 week later I get a call from the doctor saying that I have an STD! I was so hurt and crying I would have never imagined that this would happen to me because I have never been with anyone else after my fiance and I were together! I started to calculate when this could have happened because we had our child in June of 2010 and I tested negative for all STDs so I knew it had to have been after that! When I asked him he immeadiately lied and I tried to remain calm so that he would tell me even though I wanted to scream! Eventually he confessed that it was one time with some girl and that he was so sorry! He told me how hurt he was that he put me in this situation and apoligized several times. I went off to work but I could not understand how he could do what he did! I WANT TO FORGIVE HIM but I just dont know how. So when He called to apoligize again I just told him how hurt I was that he would have never told me if I would have never gotten an STD and he would have married me without telling me! Then he starts to say that he wants us to move past it and how he is pouring his heart out about how sorry he is and if I keep bashing him then he doesnt know what else to do about it. He then said that maybe he needs to let me live my life because of all the pain that he is causing me! I am confused because he doesnt seem to understand how hurt I am and even though he apoligized Im still in pain! what should I do?

Needless to say, you two have a lot of talking to do. My guess is that you will need a couples counselor to help you both express yourselves and hear what the other is saying. This issue is so serious that it is understandable that you haven’t been able to get past the hurt and guilt and anger so that you can communicate the feelings and issues that are between you.

One guess I have is that your fiance freaked out about the responsibilites of being a young father and acted out on an impulse that he later regretted. It’s possible he didn’t tell you because he just wanted to erase the whole experience. Of course, he can’t. But he isn’t the first to try to pretend that something shameful didn’t happen.

I’m concerned that we didn’t get this letter until after you had to make a decision about the wedding. Whether or not you went through with getting married, you two do need to deal with this. If you did marry, you both need to fully understand what happened so you can both get to a place of forgiveness. He needs to forgive himself as much as you need to find a way to be at peace with forgiving him.

If you didn’t marry, I hope you will still see a counselor. You two have three years and a child between you. You can’t walk away from involvement with each other because of your responsibilities as co-parents. It would be a shame to write off what could be a good marriage because of a momentary lapse of judgment, even one as serious as this one.

I think you two should give each other a chance. See a counselor. Get to the bottom of what happened. Then make your decisions. All three of you deserve to get some resolution on this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Think My Girlfriend Is About To Break Up With Me

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I think my girlfriend is about to break up with me, because there were these girls she didn’t want me to hang out with but I did, because I was mad at her for cheating on me, which she told me about a long time ago and was open about, so I decided to have secrets of my own, which I know was a horrible idea. Well we had this big fight where she wanted me to tell her everything, and I did for the most part, leaving out one time where I had this party and invited this girl over to my house. She just found out yesterday and is really upset, and I don’t know what to do. For some reason, I’ve lied to her a lot, because I don’t want to get in trouble, and I know that if I’m honest she’ll accept it and everything will be okay, but for some reason I can’t get it through my thick skull. I keep messing up time after time. I don’t want to lose her because she understands me and is the best thing to happen to me. I don’t know what to do, I slept all day today just because I didn’t know what to do. I really don’t want to lose her and I feel so bad for making her feel horrible, and when we were talking and she was crying I really felt bad about it and hated seeing her cry but I still felt sort of detached for some reason. I don’t know why I feel detached sometimes but I would really like to not feel that way. For some reason I think subconsciously I like to feel miserable, because otherwise I don’t know why I do the things I do. Sometimes before I do or say anything I think to myself “this is not a good idea” but then I do it anyway.  I really don’t want to lose her, I’ve been through so much with her, more than anybody. shes my best friend and my confidant and shes always been there for her. I just want to be normal, and not lose the most important person in my life.

Thanks for writing in for help with your relationship. Whether or not she breaks up with you, it’s important for you to get to the bottom of you why you continue to do things, like lie and cheat, that you know aren’t a good idea. Frequently, relationship sabotage has roots in past hurts. Is there anything in your relationship or family history that might be emotionally driving your pattern of pushing your girlfriend away? Your emotional detachment to her sadness also suggests that there may be something that is unresolved for you in close relationships.  I suggest that you get a therapist and explore what’s driving this pattern so if your girlfriend stays with you, you can learn how to maintain closeness and if she breaks up with you, you can prevent this pattern in future relationships. Also, consider reading the book “Getting the Love You Want: A Guide For Couples” by Dr. Harville Hendrix to help you start understanding the deeper patterns that may be getting in the way of your love relationship.

Take good care of yourself and your relationships!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Heartbroken by his lies

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Turns out my boyfriend of 2 years has pretty much lied about his whole identity. . .letters get sent to his house with a different surname to the one i knew him to have, i saw his drivers licence which displays a different year of birth to the one he told me was his, after a year and a half i had only met 2 family members of his and no friends, i found a separate facebook account of his to one i’m friends with (which includes his real full name) – but he doesn’t know i know about this! I found out he has a brother that he’s never mentioned! . . .For someone who claims to love me so much and claims he wants to be with me forever and having been so open with him and all he does is lie! . . .But i can’t get over it! I can’t stop wondering about if he would ever come clean, what more would i find? I love him with all my heart, before i started finding things out it was the perfect relationship, hundreds of times better then any relationship i’d had previously! But know the man i thought i loved, it’s all just been a lie, i’ve been loving a fake, how can i ever trust anyone if the person i trusted the most turned out to be a complete fraud???

What a difficult spot to be in! The lies are too many and too elaborate to ignore, so I think you’ll want to gather all you have and make an appointment with a couples counselor. (The “find help” tab at the top will guide you to someone in your area.)

I am going to recommend that you NOT discuss this with your boyfriend. I know the standard wisdom would be for the two of you to have an open and honest discussion. But your boyfriend has the capacity to lie and create false identities, all while professing his love. I’d want you be in front of a professional so he or she can be witness to his answers and your responses.

Make the appointment and explain to the counselor that you hope to be bringing your boyfriend, but that in any case you plan on coming in. Set the appointment for a time when he is free. I would not give him much lead time on this — no more than 24 hours. Explain to him you have a concern about the relationship that you wan’t a professional opinion on, and that you prefer he come with you, but you have made the appointment and are going. Tell him only that you do not feel comfortable talking about it alone with him.

Then go to the counselor, either with him or without, and explain your situation. The counselor will guide you from there. DON’T try to talk to him without a third party there. He has hidden much from you and proven to be a good manipulator. Stack the deck in your favor.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My wife is verbally abusive

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married for less than a year to a wife I truly adore. We have had many ups and downs this year. However, she is subject to raging anger directed towards me. Any time that we try to resolve an issue, she blows up uses the F-word, tells me she doesn’t care about me, and doesn’t want to be in the same room with me. We are talking screaming here. Three therapists have told me that she is being irrational and suggested the possibility of emotional abuse. I have not been perfect, but I always own up to my mistakes and apologize. All I want to do is resolve an issue, and she wants to ignore it. If I try to force things she reacts (according to my therapists) WAY over the top. They have also said that she stonewalls me. My family is suggesting that I give up on the relationship, but I am not ready for that.

She has been in a bad mood for five days now, longer than ever. I don’t know if she loves me anymore and it makes me so anxious. All I want is for us to be happy again, and I feel that it is all my fault.

I don’t know how to act when someone acts like they don’t love you anymore. It is hurtful and anxiety provoking. I made an appointment for couples couseling in a few days, but i don’t know if she will go or if she will still be around in a few days. I feel so lonely and don’t know what to do about it or with myself. How do I talk myself into not giving up on her?

Thank you for writing. I’m concerned by your report that three therapists have told you your wife is irrational. I don’t think labels like that are at all helpful. I’m more interested in understanding why someone who loved her husband enough to marry him is now raging and screaming at him. What has happened since the wedding that has stressed her so much that she screams in frustration?

I’m very glad you are going to see a couples therapist who will take a more holistic look at the situation. Couples work isn’t about figuring out who is right. It’s about figuring out what’s going wrong in the relationship that results in people being unable or unwilling to be their best selves. If your wife won’t go, please go yourself for a few sessions. A couples therapist may give you another way to look at the situation. Further, if you go in an effort to save your marriage, it’s a statement to your wife that you think the relationship is worth it. She may decide to join you after a few sessions if she sees you responding to her a bit differently.

You loved each other enough to marry. I think that is reason enough to try couples work for awhile.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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