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Couples Counseling

Is My Marriage Worth Saving?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’m married to a man who has locked me out of the house at least 8 times. I was packing my things, he threw an object out the door in my direction and I had to get 4 stitches. He said he just threw it and wasn’t aiming. He has called me horrible names. He easily and quickly gets mad, cusses, and likes to belittle. He never accepts responsibility for anything. He used to be a drunk until he was arrested for DUI. Now, he doesn’t drink as much, but is still emotionally abusive.

I’m his 3rd wife. He cheated on his 1st wife before they got married, but she cheated on him after. I wonder if this is where all his hatred started. I would think infidelity would cause lots of hatred and mistrust. He said they didn’t have sex on their wedding night because she was being a bitch. There must’ve been bad blood before they even got married. He described his marriage to his 2nd wife as them throwing things, locking her out, her pushing him down stairs, him punching walls, her leaving him stranded so he had to walk home in the rain for 2 hours but that he deserved it. That wife died of cancer. So, I’m not the only wife he’s used as an emotional punching bag. I can’t help but think all this hatred started in the 1st marriage. That wife was probably in deep hatred of him for cheating on her, and he’s just continued on with that way of dealing with his marriages.

I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer already set up. I guess I’m just trying to figure out if I’m doing the right thing. I just want some peace back in my life. If I was happier before being married to this man, why would I even stay married to him? I left once before. We weren’t even married for a year at that point. If I ever leave again, it will be done legally and not just a trial separation. I’m 55 years old and I’m getting too old for this kind of stress in my life. I feel like I have PTSD.

To be honest, I don’t deal with his poor treatment of me very well. Is this marriage worth saving, or should I make sure I keep my appointment with the lawyer? Thank you.

Absolutely keep the appointment with the lawyer. Your husband is a repeat offender. He apparently hasn’t learned a thing from two prior failed marriages.

I doubt this all started due to his first wife’s infidelity. As you pointed out, there was probably something wrong in that relationship already. Frankly, it doesn’t matter where it started. He has continued his abusive behavior with each wife.

There must be something charming about your husband on the surface at least. He has convinced 3 women to marry him. But please don’t be distracted by his charms. The real guy is the angry guy who calls you names and is generally emotionally abusive. Love isn’t like that. No one should be treated that way.

Get out of this marriage and make it possible to find someone who will love you and cherish you as you deserve.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Jealous of Husband’s Sister

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

How can I deal with my jealousy to my husband’s relationship to his sister?

We’ve been married for about 20 years with a daughter.

We’ve been recovering from couple crisis caused by my husband’s attempts of cheating me. Seemingly everything was going better between us. But I’ve recently been feeling pain about my husband’s relationship to his sister.

She is three years younger than him, not married without kids. They’ve been very close since their childhood. Almost all my husband’s friends are hers, and she has read almost all the books he has read. I knew their excessive closeness and felt uneasy when we were just dating. But we used to live far from her and I didn’t worry so much until we came to live very close to her place. She often comes to stay in our house. While developing her career, she hasn’t had a stable romantic relationship. She cannot help but consulting with somebody about her insecurity. She has often talked to my husband about her anxiety about her boyfriends, work, etc. My husband is always happy to listen to her to give her an advice. She has also talked much about these things to me for my advice. Understanding her characteristics and situations, also liking her basically as a friend, I had not felt so bad until very recently.

I was shocked to witness:
1. My husband was touching my sister-in-laws’ naked feet while they were sitting next to each other on a sofa, saying “Ah~, your feet are so cu~te”;
2. She was greeting my husband, when he was about to leave home for work in the morning, by kissing his cheek holding his face in both the hands as if she was his partner;
3. Talking the fact that our daughter is very smart and well educated, my husband was telling her that it is because our daughter has taken all the good parts of my sister-in-law;
4. Now that she decided to move to another country for work promotion and proposed my husband move to the same country and city for his job, he was telling her about his positive feeling about this proposal although he had rejected every opportunity to go abroad for his work telling me that he didn’t want to move out the country and city where he is as he likes them very much. I had repeatedly told him that I’d like to move out to another place.

Until now, whenever I conveyed my uneasy feelings to him about his attitude towards her, he become aggressive towards me as if I was criticizing him. I feel my husband prioritizes his relationship to her and doesn’t care about my feelings. I want him to understand that this situation hurts me. I’d like to avoid irritating him more with me in order not to destroy what I have made efforts to reconstruct for our couple relationship.

Thank you for asking. It sounds to me as if you’ve tried hard to get your husband to understand, but he just isn’t able. I think this is an opportunity for both of you to talk to a couples counselor. In this way the therapist can help you express your concerns –while finding ways to help your husband understand them.

Your husband has had a very close relationship with his sister for a long time and doesn’t appreciate the level of discomfort you feel. Having sessions with a therapist together will increase the possibility you can resolve the issue though improved communication.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Turning Off Feelings Toward Spouse

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My hubby and I both struggle with depression. I have worked hard to keep control of it. always exercising, meditating, and in the day, while he’s away, I feel fine. But he’ll send a single negative text and It’ll come sweeping back. I am terrified to talk to him, because the slightest thing will set him off. he has so many triggers and he has a way of making me feel guilty, as though I’m to blame when he goes through a depressive episode. Well, a while ago, I realized he is my trigger; I kinda see it in my head as he is poisoning me–I know it’s heartless to admit. While he was having a panic attack, and me feeling one coming, I turned off all my emotions toward him. Everything. And doing so I felt so free. We have one son together, and I still feel emotions toward him. I feel emotions toward everything else, but when he says anything, good or bad, I feel nothing. My depression is no longer there, creeping. It’s gone. I know it’s not healthy. I know it’s not good for our relationship. The extent of what I feel toward him is irritation because I feel like he’s sabotaging his career and that effects me and my son.

My question is… I could turn it back on. but I’m finally able to breathe. So, should I? I’m a better mother when I don’t have that weighing on my chest. but… Not caring about him is bad for our relationship. and I do love him as I know he loves me. so… should I turn it back on and risk having panic attacks and depression again? I can’t be the only one going through this (I looked and didn’t see much about it).

When we don’t feel pain, we don’t feel anything. Shutting off your emotions will indeed work, but the problem is that you will also have to shut down part of yourself in order to keep it going.

I’d like to lift some of the words you’ve used to identify why shutting down your feelings have become so important. You say: “I am terrified to talk to him”; “he is poisoning me”; “I felt so free”; “what I feel toward him is irritation”; “I’m a better mother when I don’t have that weighing on my chest.”

Whatever it is you love about him seems to be in direct conflict with what you need to do to survive him. On top of all of this, you see him as sabotaging his career.

The strategy you’ve developed to survive your feelings about your husband doesn’t seem like it allows you to fully thrive. It seems like it allows you to tolerate your marriage as you continue to feel resentment. This approach may work for a while, but in the long run, the resentment will prove too much to be healthy.

It is time for couple counseling. You shutting yourself down to be a happier person and a better mom isn’t a sustainable strategy. Turning your feelings back on to allow the resentment also doesn’t sound viable. What is needed is a third party to help you communicate the depth of your fear of talking to him. His triggering you sounds very real, but if you cannot communicate this to him he has no chance to learn.

The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find a therapist in your area. You may also want to try this group as they specialize in marriage and family therapy.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Blended Family Issues

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My husband and i have been together for 4 years. i have a 19 yo daughter and he has a 19 yo son. the son was primarily living with his mother until he graduated from high school at such time, he moved in full time with us. ever since he has moved in there have been issues. he lies, he has stolen pills from my bathroom and he went through my purse and stole more pills from me. i wanted him out. my husband didn’t. i told him he needed to move back in with his mother to get help. finally, my husband went along with it. during the time he was gone, my husband resented me every second his son was not there. he was gone for a month and i suggested the son to come stay the night one night so that i could start to build back trust in him. my husband took that as he could move back in and he moved back in. a few months later, we catch him in more lies and now something has happened where i feel he has violated my daughter’s privacy by going into her room. not sure of his reason for entering her room (which he denies), but the only conclusion i can come to is that he was masturbating in there. i’m not sure but that is what my gut tells me. i don’t know what to do anymore. i don’t feel safe in my own home. my husband put a lock with key on my daughter’s door and i don’t think that is anyway anyone should have to live. i don’t want his son living with us anymore, however, i know my husband will not go for that and if he does agree to have him move out, he will resent me. if anyone could offer any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for writing us with this important question about blended families. Your husband’s denial of his son’s problem needs to be front and center in your relationship. It’s not okay for you, and you don’t have to live this way. It is clear that his son has problems that are going untreated and diminishing family life.

It is important to know that you must continually standup speaking out that you do not want to live this way. I highly recommend couples counseling so a professional can help you both work toward a resolution. The counselor can help your husband understand that his effort to help his son is alienating his wife and stepdaughter. Getting a professional to help you through these issues is important.

I would also recommend during this time that you find an individual therapist for yourself. It sounds like this has been going on for a while, and that your husband doesn’t understand how devastating this this is for you. You may need to have an individual therapist in your corner as you work through the details of coping during couples therapy. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area.

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Should We Try Couples Counseling?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Im a believer and I decided to pray for my situation. I went to a psychologist, her theory is: I have a trauma from my childhood that led me to look for a man with the same type of relationship I had with my father (a man that took care of me and that I didnt like sexually at all, my ex). My boyfriend went to a session, the psych said he also has his traumas…

The other side of the story before I thought about my ex is: At the beggining of the relationship my boyfriend tried to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I found a series of conversations through facebook. I also found 8 or more conversations of him, hitting on other girls. This was the main reason of our break up. After this, I felt really bad and thought I wanted my ex back.

Anyways, He said his friends signed in his FaceBook and talked to her but after he found out about my “thoughts about my ex” he told the thruth, “I was looking for sex”… And, during our break up… In that month, he slept with her and 2 other girls…

We got back together… Have 6 months NOW (I miscounted). And we feel great together. The only thing is trust. I’m afraid he still talks with his ex girlfriend. He did it while having a great realtionship with me, why wouldn’t he do it now? He says he woulnd’t do it now because: “now I love you. And then, I didnt know you like I do now, I thought you were just like the other girls”.

Anyways, he says I also cheated on him, maybe I did, mentally…
What can we do to build trust? Should we go together to therapy?

Thanks you for your time,

Thank you for writing. I hope you got more from the therapist than an analysis. Being told you both have trauma histories isn’t particularly useful unless you also are helped to use that information to forge a more mutually compassionate and supportive relationship. Being given only an analysis is like being told that it’s raining but not being helped to get out of the storm.

If you two feel great together and really love each other, you both need to stop keeping score. You weren’t together for awhile. He did some things. You thought some things. You both decided that you wanted to try again to make a good relationship with each other. That was like a reset button. Once you push it, old stuff doesn’t apply.

Trust is a gift we give people we love. If you both want this relationship to work, offer it lovingly and wholeheartedly but with the understanding that trust is easily broken. Pledge to be faithful and keep that pledge. Neither one of you wants to live with the constant anxiety that your partner is looking for someone else. If you can’t both, at the same time, commit to this, then wish each other well, say goodbye, and learn from the loss.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Wife Connects with Men Online

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My wife continues to connect with men online but says she does it to bring back passion into our relationship. My wife and I are high school sweethearts and have been together for 30 years (married for 20). Sex has never been very important to her and we are intimate a dozen or less times a year. We deeply care for each other and I have suppressed my own sexual needs to accommodate her lower desire. We have two children and over the last several years have lost a bit of our connection. I have found my wife connecting with other men on social websites and engaging in flirtatious messaging that turns into sexual chatting and even phone conversations six times over the last couple of years. I have confronted her each time I have found out and she says it is innocent and would never turn physical and that she only wants to bring passion back into our relationship. These relationships are emotional affairs in my opinion and hurt very deeply and make it hard for me to trust and connect with my wife. I have also not witnessed her bringing any passion back to me.

We have tried working with two different MFT’s and both times my wife clams up and feels attacked and gets defensive. I have worked on myself with a therapist for a couple of years and I am trying to improve my communications. When I take responsibility for my part of our problems, she very easily shifts the focus on me for everything.

I just recently discovered that she is connecting with another man online again and I am at the end of my rope. I am tired of being lied to and deceived. Her false promises to truly work on our relationship are harder to believe, but I still lover her and I want to work things out for us and our kids sake. I am just not sure she can or will focus on our relationship. She tells me she loves me, but that something is missing for her and she can’t put her finger on it.

I have suggested going to sex therapist together to work on our intimate relationship and connection, but I am afraid it will be a waste of time again. I desperately want to see my wife be a proactive partner in repairing our relationship, but I am not sure she can or will.

I am not sure how to go forward, any suggestions?

Thank you for your email. The emotional affairs your wife is engaged in involves systematic betrayal. Although you’ve tried to address the problem correctly, she continues to undermine the relationship and has failed to take adequate responsibility. It is important not to minimize this ongoing betrayal. Clearly, she is not giving your relationship the priority it deserves. It is probably time to move on from a marriage and family therapist — to a divorce mediator.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Recently Married But on Self Destruct

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been married 3 months we have been together for 5 years but have been friends since 1996. I love him-he’s hot, caring and good in bed. He wants a family and we are about to buy our first home. He isn’t very affectionate and we never sext or talk dirty. There are times I feel bored and invisible. A few months before getting married I had a bad day at work and received an email from a male colleague asking if I was ok and this led to us lunching together and progressed to us seeing each other outside of work too much and me feeling very confused a month before the wedding. I talked to my partner and I told him we’d flirted and that I was enjoying the affection I felt was lacking with us. He was mature and said he would try harder and temporarily this worked. I got married with a clear conscious and didn’t think about the other guy at all, we had a lovely day and he was very attentive but now its back to old ways and I’ve got close to the work guy again. We have kissed twice since I’ve got married and I’ve told my husband. The guy initiated both kisses and I pulled away. I told him he had not sustained the affection he had promised me and this is why I have sought it elsewhere. I have told the guy it can never happen again and that my future is with my husband and I feel guilty but on a bad day we still flirt. I am worried he is not what he seems and there are lots of messages between us that I hope he has deleted. I have told my partner we have flirted but not the content as I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t fancy this guy, I don’t want to do any of the things we are discussing in the texts either but it continues to happen. I worry my partner will one day learn of the messages-I got him to delete one lot but then it started again.I want to be a good wife but don’t know how to right this. I’ve survived rape and abusive relationships & it’s like I crave attention and drama like I’m on self destruct. I hate myself and my behaviour. Please help. (From Wales)

I admire the courage it takes to face this issue head-on and to write us here. I don’t believe you are on self-destruct — but I do thing what you are doing is self defeating. I believe your relationship is at a crisis point and writing your email is a very proactive way of dealing with it.

I would highly recommend couple counseling. The flirting is a symptom, not a cause. What I mean by this is that you are not looking toward the other person as a potential marriage partner, but rather the flirting is the result of a weak relationship with your husband. The only work that makes sense is to determine if your marriage has enough power to last.

Find a couple counselor and talk about what you need from your husband. Hopefully this will give you both something to work together on. But if the marriage doesn’t have the staying power you’d hoped for — at least you can move on knowing you’ve ended it directly and with integrity.

Dr. Dan

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My Husband Does Not Seem to Like My Son

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My second husband does not seem to like my son. My son is 16. We have been married 7 years. We have 2 sons together a 1 and 6 year old. He doesn’t say much to my son. He does not say many negative things to him, but he constantly complains to me. He complains over simple issues like he drank all the soda.

It is always something. It does not seem my son can do anything right in his eyes. I have told him several times I don’t like how negative he is about him, but he just says I like him and I am not negative about him. The constant complaining makes me so miserable. When my son is with his father everything runs smooth at home but as soon as my son gets home it starts.

I can see how differently he feels about my son compared to our sons. It is really hard for me. I have a friend that tells me that even though my husband does not say negative things to him that my son feels the difference. I am sure he does. I have thought about leaving several times but then I worry about how a divorce would effect my other kids. Or is the negativity unhealthy for all of us.

For some people, the existence of the child from a former relationship is a constant reminder that their partner once had another lover and another life. They would like to erase that past but can’t due to the presence of the child. On a more primitive level, male animals often won’t accept the offspring of other males and drive them out of the herd in an instinctive effort to only pass on their own bloodline.

People can and do get past that primitive behavior and open their hearts and minds to children who are not their own biological kids. All this is a long way around to saying that I think that the problem here is that your husband hasn’t adopted your son. He may not be aware of it, but his behavior seems to show that he’s trying to drive him from the herd. Of course your son knows it and is hurt by it.

Your husband needs help understanding the need for an “adoption” to take place. I’m not talking about a legal adoption. Your son does have an involved biological dad. But there is room for the boy to have two men in his life who care about him, teach him, and help him develop into all he can be.

Rather than be angry at your husband, try to have a conversation with him about what it is that gets in his way of being a positive role model and caring adult in your son’s life. Is there something you or your ex is doing that is an obstacle? Has he really thought about his role as being important to the boy’s self-esteem and growth? Has he embraced the fact that the boy is related to him by blood in that he is his sons’ brother?

If that conversation becomes too difficult, I hope you will try some couples counseling before you visit a lawyer. This is not an uncommon problem. It can usually be addressed so that all relationships in the family improve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Love My Boyfriend More Than He Loves Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Hawaii: I am in a solid relationship with a man who is quite a bit older than me. We have been together nearly two years but I have known him for 3. He has, of course, been in many other relationships and was even married for a short period a long time ago.

I often feel like I love him and care for him more than he does me. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that he is the only man I’ve ever loved, so it is different for me than it is for him. I can deal with that. But I can’t seem to handle the jealousy.

Every time he mentions an ex or I see that his most recent ex has liked/commented on something he posts, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach. Not to mention when he shows me pictures he’s taken of women who are much more attractive than I am (he used to do model photography). I don’t think he understands how it affects me, even though I’ve tried explain it.

I know I have low self esteem and that contributes to the problem, but I don’t know how to handle it. He’s the center of my universe and I don’t know what I’d do without him but I feel like he just enjoys having me around, and it wouldn’t be any big deal if I up and left.

These thoughts are increasing my anxiety and making me feel depressed. I’m just not sure what to do or how to approach him and tell him that I can’t handle it when he talks fondly of women he’s been with or women that he’s taken pictures of.

I know this is my issue and it isn’t, in any way, his fault but I can’t keep feeling this way. It’s eating me up inside.

I don’t think this is about “quantity” of loving. It’s more about difference. You are coming to this relationship with a first time love. He’s bringing a history of loving (and losing) other people. That difference will show itself in many, many ways as you develop this relationship.

Neither of you can erase his history. You shouldn’t. It’s part of what makes him who he is. If he separated amicably but finally from prior loves, it is unreasonable to demand that he cut off all contact.

Of more concern to me than the difference in history is that he continues to show you pictures and talk about his past even though you have told him that it troubles you. It may be that he thinks this will help you get over your jealousy. If that’s his motivation, it is obviously not working. But if he gets something out of making you jealous, it’s a big red flag.

Rather than complain about his behavior, see if you can find out why he persists in doing it. Is this behavior perhaps why other relationships didn’t work out? If so, it’s his issue, not yours. Is he really trying to be helpful? Then he needs to find another way to reassure you.

It’s also true that you may be over-reacting. Without more information, I’m not in a position to say.

What I do know is that it takes two to create this kind of impasse. For that reason, I think a few sessions with a couples counselor is a good idea. A counselor can observe how the two of you interact and can make suggestions for getting past this problem.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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Mother-in-Law Best Friends with Husband’s Ex-Girlfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My mother-in-law is best friends with my husband’s ex, who he has known since he was little and dated after high school for like 2 years. We have been married for 7 years and it has been an issue. His mom treats her like her daughter and because of this I distance myself from her. The ex tried to separate us several times and even married my husband’s friend. She got pregnant last years and miscarried and tried to reach out to my husband for support. My mother-in-law talks about her to me all the time with no sympathy even though my husband and I have said things to her. In a few years my husband and I want to build a house and have my mother-in-law move in for financial reasons and because she is an older lady. But I know she will want the ex to come over and she will say she helped pay for the house so she can have whoever she wants over. Although my husband understands why I am upset, he and his mom both say I have issues and need to grow up. I am at a loss of what to do. Do I just get over it and if they have an affair I get a divorce? Or do I get over it and trust my husband that she is an ex and he doesn’t want anything to do with her? I am a jealous person and I have trust issues. I love my husband but I feel like my mother-in-law needs to respect my feelings after many conversations (ending it she will talk to who she wants and I need to grow up and I have issues). The ex has no concern over my feelings because I have confronted her multiple times about it. I am at a loss.

At the risk of saying the obvious you and your husband are too involved with his mother. This is called enmeshment. Planning to have her move in with you for financial reasons seems like going from a bad situation to worse. Why would both of you want to live with a person who has no regard for your feelings? No amount of extra living space is worth the aggravation and would be setting yourselves up for a disaster. You and your husband need to have a different plan for your future that includes less (certainly not more) of his mother and none of his ex. If there are no children from his ex, then the two of you need to make a life separate and apart from both of them.

Your husband telling you to grow up is also interesting. His mother is flagrant about her lack of respect and makes a point of talking about the ex. Your husband is aware of the history of her trying to break the two of you up — so he and his mom saying you should grow up seems like he wants a simple solution rather than to respect how you feel.

In order to forge a new plan I’d recommend you have a few sessions with a couple counselor. This will bring the issue in front of a third party who may be able to help. The “Find help” tab at the top of this page will help you find someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Trust Issues with Husband and History of Sexual Abuse

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I need help. I was emotionally and psychologically abused growing up and sometimes physical. It has taken me all of my 20’s to finally come to terms with this, especially after having my own children. My older sisters (one is 7 years older and the other is 4 years older) had involvement with a rape when I was 17. My rapists wanted to degrade and humiliate me and I lost my virginity while being told I was ugly and worthless. I was at my sister’s apartment at the time and asked for help but she helped my perpetrators instead. Then my other sister assisted with helping my perpetrators bully me after the rape to further degrade and humiliate me. I now feel ugly and worthless. I met my husband when I was 21 and still not able to come to terms with things that happened to me in the past I continued to talk to my family. I did distance myself a lot but still saw them on holidays. I can’t shake the feeling that my husband might have had sex with my sister who is 7 years older. She is a lot prettier than me and has a boob job. After just giving birth to my second child 5 years ago, she had some inappropriate behavior toward my husband and he looked so uncomfortable (to the point of looking guilty for some kind of attraction) that he left the room. My father told me at age six that I was ugly and should not expect a man to ever be faithful to me and that all men would have to think of other women in order to have sex with me. I have often felt that my husband has not been supportive emotionally in the past when I tried to talk to him about hurtful comments that my sister would make to me at family functions. He would act as though he didn’t believe me and that I was probably making things up because I am jealous of her. Since after the two kids when she had some very obvious inappropriate behavior towards my husband I am starting to look at my husband and our relationship differently and am questioning everything. I have this sinking feeling at times that he had sex with her but I don’t have any proof. I never felt this way before, only since after the birth of my second child. I need advice about what to do with my feelings? It hurts to think that after 13 years and two children a moment of sexual pleasure with someone better than me in the looks department is more important than our history. Do men really only care about looks and are willing to risk everything for a prettier woman? I feel unloved and depressed and I just want the truth but don’t think I will ever get it.

A: I’m so sorry that you have been through all of this, but I am proud of you for admitting and acknowledging that you were abused. That is the first step to getting better. However, due to the severity and complexity of the abuse, I would really suggest that you see a mental health professional for ongoing counseling. Find someone who specializes in sexual abuse and trauma. The issues you are listing here are too serious to just be addressed in an advice column, and you have been hurting too long.

It’s hard to say whether or not the vibe you are getting about your husband is because he and your sister have done something inappropriate or just that her behavior coupled with his knowledge of how she has treated you makes him uncomfortable. This could help explain why he left the room and why he might act strangely when she is around. It’s hard to be around people who have harmed someone you love, but it is also difficult to know how to handle it when the person isn’t going away (family). Because of this and your trust issues with your husband, in addition to individual or group counseling to help you heal from your abuse, I would suggest that you and your husband get involved in couple’s therapy as well. It provides a safe format to address your concerns with him, but it could also help him learn how to better support you and what you’ve been through.

It sounds like you still spend time, at least occasionally, with members of your family who have harmed you. That’s fine and lots of people do that, but it can sometimes be helpful to take a break from contact while you are working through things and healing. Furthermore, I have worked with some clients who have made the very difficult decision to never associate with family members who have abused them. In the end, you need to do what is right for you. But please don’t believe any of the negative things your father, sisters and rapist have said to you for one minute longer. It is time to reclaim your power and reclaim your life.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Husband Acts Inappropriate

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My husband is acting inappropriately, being rude, and judges me when I am in pain. I am 13 weeks pregnant, and we are financially distressed. We moved in with my in-laws, which my husband LOVES. I am an introvert, his entire family is extroverted, controlling, and often manipulative. I set healthy boundaries on my terms for them, and insist on being respected while avoiding confrontation. My husband used to be blind to their disrespect and control, but is improving by learning to set boundaries as well. I have been in a lot of pain this week. The baby is moving up and out of my pelvis, I have been working long hours, the management at work has been chaotic, and I have developed pain in the tendons of my left foot due to pregnancy weight gain. I set a boundary for my sanity: if it cannot be fixed right now, I don’t want to talk about it right now. My husband cannot understand this. He arrived at my work, frantic about bills, and proclaiming extreme gloom and doom. I was in pain, and a little short with him, because I will not be dragged into despair while under so many other pressures that I must overcome. I told him to stop. I clarified the situation, and explained this was exactly why I set my boundaries where I did. He was maxing out my mental self control, and he needed to stop. I helped him through his crisis, which was nothing more than a temper tantrum and despair mixed together, and said I needed more time to work out solutions for the problems. I worked out a solution within the hour. He has done this many times in the past month, and I have become increasingly less tolerant of the setting, and approach of these discussions. Yesterday during my switch shift break, my husband wanted to discuss his frustration and failure in turning off our Internet provider. I tried to express my opinion twice, and twice he cut me off. I became angry. I told him that was unacceptable, and I was done speaking to him, because it was obvious he was not respecting my opinion. He tried to tell me all my faults to win the argument, I told him that he knew I was exhausted and in pain. That he was being a jerk, and I did not have to tolerate that. I stormed off to stop my reaction. Last night, my abdominal muscles hurt, my back hurt, my left foot felt like my tendons were being sliced, and I was out of mental reserves, so I introverted to keep from being mean or short. My husband could not respect my boundary. He could not even see it. I expressed the pain, told him what I needed, and he chose right then to be super emotional and sensitive to the way in which I made my request. I had enough. I found a scarf, tied my foot in my best copy of the therapeutic splints I found online, and realized my husband was still going on and on about his feelings about how upset he was, how he couldn’t help me, and more about him and his feelings. I told him he needs to pay attention to his surroundings more while he is talking. I made my own splint in the time it took him to get all that complaining out. I explained I was in great pain. That I had zero tolerance for this level of pain, and this has nothing to do with him. He wanted to make the situation off topic and dramatic, but I stopped him cold. The issue was my lack of patience due to pain, and that was the absolute only discussion I was having, and only now that I had gotten off my foot.

I feel like I cannot be respected. That I am constantly being misunderstood, and that my day to day struggles are somehow being made inferior to the emotional demands of my husband to meet his own needs. I am under too much stain to carry us both. Am I really being as cruel as he makes me out to be? Are my boundaries somehow inappropriate?

There is nothing in your story that would suggested it inappropriate or unfounded. However, it does sound like your husband needs to develop some coping skills with you. I would recommend contacting one of three places (or all three) to find some local counseling for both of you, or, if he is unwilling, for just you.

  1. Turn to your community hospital for outpatient therapy. They often have low or no cost therapy options for couples who are going through pregnancy. Your physician may also know of some referrals for you.
  2. Contact the women’s center in your county to see what they would recommend for counseling for you and/or counseling for you as a couple. Again, they often have low or no cost options available.
  3. Check the “find help” tab at the top of the page for counselors in your area who could help directly–or inform you of other resources.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Our Personal Space Is Invaded by Sister-In-Law

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From an adult woman in Australia: Hello, i am from indian background where cultural background and family relationships are bit different from western world. however we live in western world. My problem is that my sister in law come to our home almost every weekend with her husband and sometimes visit very late in night around 10-10:30 as well.

the problem is my husband don’t see issue in this because she is his elder sister and very dear to him. my younger unmarried sister lives with us as well but our personal space is not invaded with her presence. we can do whatever and whenever even my sister is at home but everything stops when his sister and brother in law comes over.

No matter what time they come home they eat as well. they even opens my fridge and take fruit or food out and help themselves. i don’t like when do such things. his sister sometimes says very selfish and mean things to me indirectly but i can’t do anything. Most of the time my husband knows and notices everything but he says he cannot do anything. he even says to me he has to see his sister face once a week.

my husband is very caring and nice to me but whenever i have talked to him about this issue he becomes very defensive towards her and we argue alot. our relationship is affecting alot because of this. Another issue is that Me and my husband only got weekend to spend time with each other. Weekdays we hardly see each other because of job timing.

Am i expecting from him too much? how i can explain him that it is affecting me alot and our relationship. we are not invited to her place and my husband would also not go there.  how to resolve this issue?  i am very depressed because of this. i dont mind her coming to our place but it should be at least once in a month and specific time of the day. please help.

Thank you for writing. This is a very complicated situation. I have more questions than answers. Why does your husband need to see his sister once a week? What is going on that he is prioritizing time with his sister on weekends when it is the only time the two of you have together? Why won’t your husband visit his sister’s home? Do the two of you come from such different backgrounds that you have entirely different expectations of marriage?

I don’t think it is expecting too much to want some answers. As I think you know, your main problem is with your relationship with your husband, not with his sister. You and your husband have a very basic and painful (to you) difference of opinion about where his loyalties should be and how much his family should be involved in your marriage.

In western culture, his sister would be seen as violating marital boundaries and your husband would be seen as having trouble shifting his primary alliance from his family of origin to his marriage. I don’t know anything about the expectation of your home country so I can’t comment on that. But the difference between the two may be at the center of your troubles.

What I can comment on is that not coming to agreement about appropriate boundaries could seriously erode your marriage. Your feelings of depression and discouragement are a sign that things are not going at all well.

This cannot be seen as a matter of who wins and who loses an argument. Right now, your marriage is what is losing. If the two of you are to save it and deepen it, it is essential that you work together to decide on how to manage his relationship with his sister. You are offering a compromise of once a month — which he is rejecting. Is he willing to budge at all? If not, it’s important for the two of you to talk about why. Understanding the problem is half the journey to coming to a solution.

If the two of you can’t talk about this reasonably and without getting defensive and angry, I do suggest you see a couples counselor to help you work it out. A couples counselor can provide a safe place for you both to express your feelings and to learn ways to navigate conflicts like this one.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Do I Help My Distressed Adult Daughter?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Australia: My daughter is in her early 30s. She is married and lives overseas.

We were a family of three children and two parents until when she was 9 years old. She is the middle child. Owing to domestic violence I had to take the children and move out and begin life anew. The four of us had a very challenging family life post separation, cos of deep seated attachment issues of my youngest son who was adopted. When he turned 16 he moved into a half way home. He is 25 and settled now, but refuses to acknowledge me.

I remarried. My daughter moved overseas prior to me to take up a job.  My husband’s children didn’t accept me. My husband refused my daughter’s request to walk her down the aisle. No reason was given. My daughter resettled in another country. She and her husband then invited us for a fully-funded holiday by her husband and her.

My daughter’s mother-in-law made my husband feel welcome, but would speak ill of him to my daughter and keep her anger unto him burning. She would also belittle my daughter with her side of the family. I directly questioned the mother-in-law about this behaviour one night. She took offense and threatened suicide.

Next day we were visiting a landmark. My daughter’s husband seemed seething with quite anger as he drove us all. When we reached the landmark he barged at me asking me why I spoke to his mum the way I did. My daughter also sided with her husband. My husband came in between. My daughter asked him to keep off . Involuntarily he slapped her. My brother had also joined us from overseas. I asked him to take charge of my daughter and family, and I sat with my husband. Before we all left London my husband apologised to my daughter and her husband.

This happened about four years ago. My daughter is in deep anguish and questions me why I chose to remain with my husband despite  him hitting her and all the challenges I have faced from his children. She is very angry in her communication with me and I find it very traumatising. She lives with her mother-in-law and husband. She has personally sought therapy and has had two sessions.

Request for help:
How can I help my daughter so that we don’t argue, despite trying to set boundaries it never seems to work. We talk sanely for 1 minute and then it is an argument for 20-30 minutes every few days. The past is dragged in. She says the apology is of no use, she is broken. I have a feeling that the therapy is cathartic and aggravating the situation.

She needs my support since her husband has embraced a new religion over the past five years, and excludes his mother and wife from his religious pursuits. He also pressures them to remove all symbols of their religion from the house. Her mother-in-law feels very distressed and even encourages my daughter to think about leading life without her son.

I am not sure whether I should visit her, but she needs my help. I am worried about triggering arguments and ill-feeling.

Thank you

What a complicated situation. You are in the middle of a family where people escalate arguments very easily and hold grudges.

I can offer you a few suggestions:

Remember that it takes 2 to have an argument. There is no point in staying on the phone for a 30 minutes argument. When speaking with your daughter, emphasize the positive. If she picks a fight, simply say that you aren’t interested in fighting and that you love her very much. Then say a friendly goodbye while letting her know you will be happy to talk to her again.

Don’t get caught up in drama: Stay out of your daughter’s relationship with her mother-in-law. Gently tell your daughter that your relationship with your husband’s children is not something you can discuss with her. Stay out of your daughter’s problems with her husband except to validate her concerns about her marriage and to applaud her choice to get into therapy.

Your present husband has a role in the problems. He rejected your daughter’s attempt to acknowledge him when he refused to take part in her wedding. He lost his temper and hit her. His apology is a good start but only a start. I think you and your husband need more help than I can offer in a short response. A therapist will provide you and your husband with on-going support and practical help as you navigate so many complicated relationships. You’ve tried your best to manage all this on your own without success. You both deserve the ongoing support a therapist can provide.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Conflicted Feelings Towards My Husband

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: To give a little background, My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have three young children…ages 3,8,11. Until recently I have been a stay at home mom for the entire marriage. In my perspective, We have had a contentious marriage. We fought a lot, He worked a lot, He was VERY critical of me and how I was handling the home and kids, I disappointed him a lot, etc. But we have had some good moments too. In his perspective, We have had really good marriage with a few bumps in the road. This last year I have been at the end of my rope. I no longer feel loving feelings towards my husband. We started counseling 6 months ago. When we started I resented him and had angry feelings towards him. I don’t have those anymore. He has made A LOT of really good changes. However, I do not feel the way a wife should about their husband. I still feel unhappy even though he has made these changes. I have toyed with the idea of divorce (even made a budget and looked for a general idea of what renting a house would cost), but this is where my conflict is. Should I divorce in hopes of feeling relief and new love? Should I stay where I am because things are horrible and breaking up the family would be worse? I am terrified of making the wrong decision. I know it’s a huge one. But 6 months of counseling has not changed how I feel. What do I do?

Since the two of you are already in therapy and it has been effective, the thing to do is to talk honestly about how you are feeling in session. Your therapist has probably come to understand each of you and will have much more to offer you than I can on the basis of a 250-word letter. I don’t know if you’ve given it an honest try and your husband really isn’t doing enough or if your expectations are unrealistic. Or the problem may be something else entirely.

What I do know for sure is this: Your difficulties with your husband won’t end with a divorce. You have three young children. That means the two of you will be in each other’s lives for at least another 20 years. Yes, people can and do move on. But it takes a great deal of effort to recover from the separation and find someone new while still making divorced parenting work. Ultimately, only you can decide if the effort to transform the marriage is easier or harder than the effort to be co-parents living in separate places.

Please do let your therapist know about your struggle to stay in the marriage. Whether you decide to stay together or decide to part, your therapy can be an important factor for making either choice in a way that is healthy for everyone involved.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Married & Love Another Married Man that I Have Known for Almost 20 Years

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been married for 10 years to a functional alcoholic. We have two younger kids. For the last 7 years I have been having an emotional affair with an ex. This man and I have always had a connection that never really went away. He is also married with a young child. He means the world to me. With him I feel so authentic, so safe and most of all accepted. I loved him so much and was heartbroken when we broke up so many years ago. I am torn between being drawn into this man and trying to remain committed to the marriage I am in. I try to convince myself that this isn’t a real connection. I remind myself that it is ridiculous to think that this person is any better than my current husband or any other man, so why would I ruin an OK marriage for a jumble of inflated feelings that likely aren’t real, except I am terrified that I am wrong. There has never been a person in my life that i have felt the same way I have with this other man, it’s the same now as it was almost 18 years ago. The feelings are actually, to me, deeper and more mature than back when I was 19. I need a professional to help remind me that this situation is crazy and a complete fantasy.

Most marriages end because of an affair. Not only are affairs the leading cause of marriage deaths, but they are a disease that lessens and weakens the marriage before it actually kills the marriage. Like most diseases, if stopped early, it need not lead to death.

As in your case, an affair is often a sign that there is something wrong with the marriage. When people are truly happy in a marriage or relationship, they are almost always immune to interference by a third party. In other words, if you are really happy with your partner you are simply uninterested in the overtures of another individual. If your partner meets your needs, you need no other.

Affairs often seem pleasant, fun, light, exciting and much better than the regular, every day, bill-paying, life that you lead with your spouse. Affairs are by their very nature an escape from the mundane existence of real life. Having an affair is like going to the movies. When the movie ends you go home to the house that could use a grass cutting, a new coat of paint and a general tidying up. However, it is “your” home.

Work on your marriage. If the man you are married to is not good enough, improve him. If he cannot be improved, after you have done everything that is possible, then you must move on. Things don’t have to be perfect to be good.

Is it too clichéd to say “the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence?” Would it be better to say “a bird in hand is worth two in the bush?” Your relationship with your ex-boyfriend has already ended one time. It didn’t work. Sure, there were good things but there was enough bad, to end the relationship. Maybe he ended it. Maybe you ended it. Maybe it was mutual, but it did end. Your relationship with your husband has endured.

Not always pretty, not always perfect, but there was enough there to keep it together. Speaking of ending, you must end your current relationship with your ex-boyfriend. It is not optional. Believing that you can be emotionally involved with an ex-boyfriend without believing that you are cheating is ridiculous. Don’t lie to yourself.

Perhaps it’s time to consider marriage counseling or individual counseling for him or you or both. Maybe it is time to end your marriage but it would be foolhardy to do so without the objective analysis that you would receive in counseling. I am not for a moment, suggesting that you should “do” what your counselor decides is right. You should only consider the advice of the counselor. You must, after thorough and due consideration, make your own decision. Good luck and get to work.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Can My Boyfriend and I Ever Be Happy Together?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I recently have been having a hard time moving on from an emotional, physical, and mentally abusive relationship. My fiance kicked me out of our home to move in his brother’s baby mother, he is 39 and she is 19! The 19 year old had just had a baby for my fiances brother.

My world was shattered, and my heart was so broken, as I am 33 never been married and never had any children. This made my schizophrenia worse, after a long time it had been good. Now, after the girl is out of the picture after repeated bouts of breaking up and getting back together (the reasons again for breaking up a second and third time was because of the 19 year old) Lo and behold I started researching and came to the conclusion that me and my fiance had ALOT of issues.

His issues stem from childhood trauma and his mother abandoning him and his two brothers. Now, he suffers from Narcissism, Dependent Personality, Sociopath, Depression,  Addictions, and he is emotionally unavailable. These are the major ones he suffers from. I on the other hand have Schizoaffective Disorder,  Anxiety, and Bi-Polar. All of which have been treated for and is currently taking my medications.

The problem is that even though we have no children together, we still spend a lot of time together.  (not so much as we used to though) Most of the time, we can’t stand each other but we cant stay away from each other. I believe we both have a Love/Hate relationship with each other. I want to trust him and be with him, but I can’t get over ALL the horrible things that were done and said to me. However, I am somewhat abusive towards him, but he is the main aggressor. I need help to sort through these issues and help him. How can we ever be together happily?

I am very glad you are taking your medicines and doing what you can to understand yourself and your fiance. You are wise not to let this situation derail you from your own treatment.

You’ve done a lot of work to try to understand yourself and your guy. Your conclusions regarding diagnoses may or may not be correct. You don’t have the training to interpret symptoms. But your own good sense tells you that both of you have many issues that deserve attention and that need to be dealt with if you two are to have a happy life together.

What you don’t mention is what work your boyfriend is doing. From your letter, it sounds like you are the one who made the effort to draw boundaries around your fiance’s involvement with his brother’s girlfriend. You are the one doing the research. You are the one who wrote to us here at Psych Central. This concerns me. When one person does all the work of a couple, it is like one hand clapping. It doesn’t result in a sound.

Yes, you do need to sort out your issues — an important one being why you stay with someone this emotionally unstable, another being why you are aggressive toward someone you love. But for the two of you to be happy together, he has to do his share of the work as well. You both need counseling. You also need couple counseling. If you love each other, you will each (both of you) do the work you need to do to learn how to trust and be worthy of trust; how to love and be loved without hurting each other.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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My boyfriend has extreme anxiety

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

For starters, I should tell you that we have lived together for the past several years. We’ve always gotten along really well, we don’t have arguments and both appreciate the lack of drama in the other.

For the last several months, he has been wrestling with extreme anxiety. It is at its’ worst when he is at home. He says that as he’s driving home, he can just feel the anxiety rising in him. He says he just feels like he’s going to explode but there’s no reason and nothing to explode about. Being at home just drives him crazy, he says. To quote a text he sent just today “Not sure what but something about home drives me up the wall”. By the end of the evening, his hands are shaking and his heart is racing.

Other symptoms? Complete lack of sex drive. He’s totally capable, he just doesn’t want to. I thought perhaps he was seeing someone else or found someone else he desired but he insists that he just doesn’t have any desire at all.

He is also sleeping a great deal more than he used to. He says he likes going to sleep because then the feeling goes away. I’ve also noticed a decrease in his appetite, I think. That’s hard to gauge because he’s been home so little and because he’s never been one to eat regular meals unless I make them.

I expressed the thought that perhaps the anxiety gets worse on his way home because his mind is clearing, because he’s putting the thoughts of what he has to do next for work away. He doesn’t feel this can be the case because when he was recently working out of town for a week, he had much less anxiety in the evenings.
I’m still convinced (or maybe it’s just hopeful) that because when he’s out of town, he’s sort of always on the job and therefore doesn’t ever let down in quite the same way.

He absolutely, completely and totally refuses to see a doctor. He won’t go see a doctor when he’s feeling close to death’s door … there’s no way I can get him in there for this. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve suggested couples counseling and he won’t even talk about that.

So here’s my ultimate question … do you think I could be on the right track? Or is it silly to think that he could repress his anxiety during his workday and thus experience it mostly at home?

There are several reasons why your boyfriend might be feeling his anxiety and depressive symptoms. I certainly can understand your frustration and his reluctance to go for help. But perhaps there is another way to approach this.

This is a self-help quiz for depression. It will give your boyfriend feedback that is objective and generated by his own input. I think you having him read this letter, and encouraging him to take the quiz, may be a way of opening up the dialogue at a deeper level.

If he is unwilling to go to couples counseling with you I would encourage you to go to individual counseling to begin coping with this situation for yourself. When you partner is becoming more isolative the only way to approach this is to offer your thoughts, feelings and suggestions, and then take care of yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,

Dr. Dan

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