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No self-esteem following a betrayal

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am 21 years old, and lately I’ve been experienced a lot of anxiety. My childhood was a normal childhood, I am the oldest of four children, my parents are married, and both work and I grew up in a small town and had a really happy normal childhood. Since I was little (about 12) I lacked self confidence, but then I started gained it, and by the time I was 15 I was in a pretty good place in my life, I loved it, I had many friends a happy and great life, and that year I met my current boyfriend. After a year of being together, he cheated on me with another girl, that killed me he was the first person I had ever truly loved and he did that to me, he apologized and begged for me to take him back so I did; and we’ve been together since then. A year or so after that, he moved out of the country and we broke up, I was devastated, because I felt like after all the years spent with him nothing counted, and it was when this whole paranoia and lack of self confidence started. Not so long ago he asked me to get back together, I was really happy but then again my situation of low self-confidence and self-esteem got worse each day. Currently I feel like I have no control over my actions, I feel like in my past I was really outgoing and could make friends easily, now I can’t, I feel as if I am boring and I rethink a million times everything I want to say or do, which as a result brings having a difficult time meeting new people. I feel paranoid all the time thinking people are going to talk bad about me behind my back or will think I look bad or I’m fat or ugly, I feel as if I have lost all of my personality. I get really furious at myself almost everyday when I see pictures of other girls my same age or even younger than me that I know partying, traveling and having a great time, while I’m sitting at my house not enjoying my youth, because my paranoia of not being good enough won’t let me. These problems have affected my relationship with my boyfriend and my family. My boyfriend constantly tells me that I have changed, that I am not as fun and adventurous as I used to be, that I acted as if I had lost my personality, the one which he fell in love with, and I feel he is right, I also feel scared all the time that he will leave me any time and find a girl that is happier and more fun than me. Rewarding my family, I’m always moody I treat my brothers and sisters very bad, by getting easily irritated by them and I find myself screaming and yelling at them all the time, as if I had no patience with them and could not stand their site. Not only has my personal life has been going down the drain I have also been getting bad academic reports, in the past year I have failed 2 classes, and my grades have decreased incredibly. I mentioned the fact that my boyfriend cheated on me before, because I feel that in a way this has to do with everything that I am going through right now, after that happened my life started going down the drain and it hasn’t stopped. Every single aspect of my life was affected by the fact that the person I loved and trusted the most betrayed me, cheated on me, with a girl I even knew! I forgave him because he demonstrated he cared, and he showed me in so many ways he loves me and he was so extremely sorry. What makes me more mad it is not the fact that he cheated on me, but the fact that this girl with who cheated on me with had everything going for her, even though she is a horrible mean person she seems to have everything in a perfect way, perfect hair, perfect car, perfect body, perfect friends, perfect everything and I don’t. I feel like myself is in ruins, literally. Another thing that makes me so uncomfortable is my boyfriend’s family; because of my low self esteem and the fact that I am so different in every way from them, I feel as if they hate me; I’m paranoid about what they might think of me, when I’m with them I’m afraid to speak or say something, because of the fear of making a fool out of myself, so I come off as rude and shy, so I have no idea what to do. I feel so alone because I have no one to talk to, no one to express myself with, I have no friends, I have gotten FAT I have gained more than 10 pounds from eating so much (anxiety), my boyfriend lives in another country and currently reminds me of how much he’s noticed that I have changed, my academic has been awful, I am depressed, I cry every single night hoping my attitude will change. Please help me, I have tried to change but I feel lost, I feel as if something is missing, I am not satisfied with my life, I feel as if my best years are going by and I’m in my room crying and eating. Please help me I feel as if I have no control over my life, what do you think I should do?

I am glad you are taking care of yourself by reaching out to us here. Your self-esteem has taken a hit because you are too dependent on your boyfriend as a barometer for your own emotional wellbeing. This isn’t a very functional relationship, from what you are telling me, and I can understand why you would feel insecure and anxious. Your trust in him is shaky (at best). He is living in another country, and his criticism of your changes doesn’t help. It is time to reclaim yourself and become more self-reliant and resilient.

I am not suggesting you end the relationship, but I am asking you to put it in perspective. It sounds like you are drawn to his potential rather than his reality. Obviously you get something out of the relationship, but don’t confuse what you want him to be with who he is.

I would begin reclaiming your life and work on getting yourself back. Start a program of taking care of your body, your intellectual development and your emotional wellbeing. Your boyfriend cannot do these things for you. You have to take care of yourself. If you do this it is a win-win situation. If the relationship survives then you will be less needy and more capable and happier in it. If the relationship doesn’t survive you will be able to move on with confidence.

A therapist during this time is a good idea. If you don’t already have one you may want to begin and create some emotional support. The college you are going to will have a counselling center with a number of qualified therapists.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Should I Stay?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for almost 4 years; we had started the relationship as mostly sexual and then built a foundation afterwards. I really care about him and we have dropped the L bomb a couple years ago, but we cannot hold a meaningful conversation. We talk about food, sports etc. but the long conversations are one sided. He complains that I tell him the same stories over and over, but the thing is I’m just trying to hold a decent conversation. We are also in our second year of being in a long distance relationship. He does not like doing most things that I do, he thinks I’m silly, and sometimes I feel like he doesn’t take me seriously. But at the same time, he’s extremely handsome (way out of my league), he comes from old money, he really genuinely cares about me. His family is very important to me too. Recently, I’ve met this guy who I cannot get enough of hanging out with. He knows I have a boyfriend, but we just have to spend as much time together. We keep it innocent, but I am developing some feelings for him. He is not as good looking as my current boyfriend but the conversation is definitely my highlights of the day. We are also extremely honest with each other, we are aware of each other’s feelings toward each other but we both could not do anything to hurt my boyfriend. I continue to hang out with my new friend but I’m starting to get this feeling deep down that I need to make a decision between the safe route (with my current boyfriend) or take a risk and see what life has in store for me. I’m very confused, and have never thought I’d be put in this position. Even if I choose a path, what do I say to the other? How do I break it to them, while keeping a window of hope of remaining in good standing with them? I’m putting it in God’s hands, but I also need reassurance.

This is a particularly difficult situation since you can feel that you are on the cusp of a change.

Perhaps the best way to approach this is to recognize that fact: Something has to change. It is no longer viable to continue in the relationship you are in the way you are in it.

At this stage of the situation we know that you are not satisfied with in the relationship you are in, otherwise you would not need so much fulfillment. The man you are looking to spend more of your time with sounds much closer to someone who fills you up. Time with your boyfriend sounds depleting, demeaning and unfulfilling. The money and the looks are temptations, but how you feel when you are with him is better than a gorgeous bank account that leaves you emotionally bankrupt.

I would encourage you to be as honest with your boyfriend as you are with the new person. Tell your boyfriend that you feel less attracted to him because of how he treats you, and feel better when you are around other people. Let him deal with the fact that he is not in the relationship the way you would like. Honesty allows the truth to be used as a vehicle for change. Either he can make the shift toward improving the relationship with you, or you can make the decision that it is time to move on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend and Overprotective Parents

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello. Just so you are aware, I am not very familiar with dealing with psychotherapy. The closest I have ever come to that is meeting with a counselor for a short while in college. So please, bear with me.
I am in a situation that is very important to me, and I really need help. I am seeking help from a professional rather than just throwing my predicament out there for any “Joe Shmow” to answer.
My issue lies with my parents, especially my mother, in regard to my current boyfriend. Just for some background information, my mother has always been very protective of me and is always looking out for me because she wants only the best for me. My mother and father both have materialistically spoiled me at extreme levels for all of my life. I am an only child. In my adolescent years I was rebellious when it came to my mother’s “No dating until you are 16” rule. When I really wanted to have a dating type of a relationship with boys, I was 15. Before then, I would say between 12 and 14, I started taking an interest in boys but not in a commitment kind of way. I just began developing crushes and wanted to “go out” with them at school. Like hold hands in the hallway, walk each other to class, go to school dances together, etc. All of the juvenile things. However, that was also not allowed. But I did it anyway, with my first “pee-wee boyfriend” at 13. I chose on my own accord to break up with him a week later because I heard that he smoked marijuana. So, needless to say, my parents did catch me with these “relationships” that I was having behind their back and I was always given a speech or threatened to stop with taking me out of my activities, being grounded (even though I never went anywhere as it was), etc. Once I turned 16, I did get a “real” boyfriend, who was 15. My mother knew that he had some behavioral issues and never let us go places together alone. She helped me end that relationship even though I was, for a while, reluctant. However, I did come to realize that she was right and that it was best for it to end. This happened two more times throughout the rest of my teen/current young adult life. Except that my second boyfriend did not have behavioral issues, but we fought a lot and just were not compatible. The third boyfriend I was with about 9 months ago and it only lasted 3 months. My parents both intervened on that one because there were a lot of red flags with him. He was too old for me, and he told many lies. Between my second and third boyfriends I have had a 3 year span of being single and had plenty of opportunities, especially with going to college, to start other relationships.
Now, for the issue at hand. I have a new boyfriend now, and we have been seeing each other for about 4 months. I know that this may sound crazy, especially just coming out of a messy relationship. And normally I would have never moved into another relationship. Especially not so quickly. However, it was my messy breakup that got us to meet in the first place. I was at a very very low point in my life after that breakup, I felt worthless and stupid. And I definitely did not want to deal with guys. That was when I started seeing a counselor and I did try to socialize with new people to get myself out of my rut. And when I first met my boyfriend, I was not expecting anything to come out of it, as a matter of fact; I didn’t really want to talk to him at all. But he was telling me about rumors that were spreading about me on campus because of my ex and that is how it began. I know that 4 months does not seem like a very long time, but we have really gotten to know a lot about each other. I find him attractive, funny, sweet, kind, loving, and we have a lot in common. We rarely fight and he makes me very very happy! We have the same viewpoints on most subjects and we never get bored with each other. He knows exactly what I am thinking without me saying anything and even when we text he knows when I am upset or distracted. He knows just how to make me smile when I am feeling down. He is honestly everything that I need and want in a man. And I expect this relationship to just keep growing from this point. My problem is that both of my parents do not feel that he is going to keep me happy forever. They are using everything under the sun for me to change my mind. They keep insisting that I will find somebody better. I know that I am young yet, but I know how I feel. And I think that I am falling in love. Real love. This is a different feeling than I have ever felt. I am very sure of myself. My parents do not believe me when I tell them these things because of my past and they feel that I am incompetent in making my own decisions. Also, when I do try to explain my thoughts and feelings, I am told that I am messed up and that I am going to regret it. They do not think that he is my type when it comes to appearance. They say that he is lazy when I know for a fact that he is not. They say that he does not have the sense of humor that I need, when we laugh quite often together right in front of them. I mean, it is all very trivial. And I am worried that this will only escalate. My mother can be very adamant. And she could possibly try to end our relationship or convince me to dump him or else, like she had before. I do not want it to be this way. What if it continues; what do I do? I cannot leave the house without my parent’s permission. We cannot even see each other unless he is coming to my house when they are home. And occasionally they let us go places together alone.
I am just wondering will this change over time? Will they come to see that we are a great match and that he makes me happy? If not, then what do I do? How do I handle the situation? I love my parents and I do not want to have to decide between the two.

You state your age as 22. It is time for you and your parents to have a talk about the fact you are a grown woman and need to have more of a say in the direction of your life. The boyfriend issue and the fact that it is only four months old is one thing, but your individuation and independence is another. I think it would be wise for you and your parents to begin a dialogue on planning for your development and growth outside of their influence. If this isn’t productive I would encourage you to ask them to go with you to see a family therapist. Perhaps when you were much younger your parents’ involvement was more warranted. Now, however, it is something that needs to be discussed.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Living in the Past

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I haven’t seen my ex in 7 years but I still love him even though I’m with someone else. I was with him for about 4 years off and on. He moved away and I haven’t seen him for 7 years. I never really got over him I checked up on him and still talked to him sometimes until I got with my current boyfriend and he didn’t want me to talk to him anymore so I quit for about a year. I found him again on facebook and started talking to him as friends without my boyfriend knowing. Eventually it backfired on me and he found out I had talked to him and we almost broke up over it so I swore I wouldn’t do it again. My current boyfriend is overall a good man and provider for our family (I have a little girl that he raises as his own even though he is not her dad hes been with us since she was 9 months old). He has never cheated or did anything bad to me he is just a bit controling. I believe he really does love me and thats why I stay with him I know he would be there through thick and thin but I really just can’t shake this feeling of wanting to have contact with my ex. I don’t know whats wrong with me I love my current boyfriend but I can’t give him 100% of me when I can’t get my ex out of my head. Please help me out here. Thanks

You’re only 22 and yet you have all the responsibilities of an adult. It’s no wonder to me that a part of you longs for the simplicity of being 15 and the time of being relatively carefree. I assure you, your feelings are only partly about missing this old boyfriend. They’re mostly about missing out on time to be young. While other people are in college, living with friends and partying, you have a little girl and a home to take care of. Your ex is a symbol of what could have been if you hadn’t made the choices you made.

From what you’ve told me, you are in danger of jeopardizing a very good thing in your present by longing for the past. Stop all contact with the ex. Conversations with him and keeping him as a Facebook friend just feed a fantasy. Your choice wasn’t a bad one. You just took a different path than people who decide to stay single until 30. You have a wonderful man and a sweet little girl to love. They don’t. Focus on the love and luck you have. If you can’t do it on your own, get into some therapy to help your feelings match your grownup life. Your partner deserves to have all of you. Your little girl deserves the stability of a loving home with the dad she’s always known. You deserve to settle into your good life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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In love with two different people?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been in a relationship for the past 4 years and now things are changing. At first, my boyfriend was really nice and a complete gentleman, but ever since we moved in together last year, he is rarely nice to me and gets angered easily. He has gone as far as prohibiting things I can do, like what music I can listen to. He is verbally abusive and has told me that he feels like hitting me sometimes. I also feel like I can’t be myself around him. I’m not always happy in the relationship. I never considered leaving the relationship until recently when I saw the guy that was my first love.

I met this boy through my cousin when I was 10 years old and I automatically was attracted to him. We dated for a couple of days, but because he lives in a different country, I only saw him once a year or so. I hadn’t seen him in the past 5 years and I finally saw him again this summer when I went on vacation. When I saw him, all the feelings I had felt for him came back and I felt like that same 16 year old that once gave him my everything. He told me that he still thought about me and that he would give up everything to be with me again. I felt really happy for the first time and ended up kissing him while my boyfriend, back in the US, has no idea that I even saw this guy.

Now I am completely confused. I don’t feel guilty at all for cheating on my boyfriend and kissing this guy. In talking to my cousin, she suggested that maybe I am just with my current boyfriend because I am comfortable in that position, even if I am not completely happy. I find it hard to make a decision between these two boys. I do love them both very much, but I can’t decide whether to stay in this relationship and possibly live a life of complacency or leave this relationship and give my first love a chance.

I don’t think you should do either. Your relationship isn’t healthy. It’s only a matter of time before he moves from feeling like hitting you to doing it. Rather than addressing his anger management issues, he is trying to control you. You shouldn’t put up with this kind of treatment on the basis of a memory of a sweeter time together.

You shouldn’t jump into a relationship with the other guy either. It’s easy to idealize someone you met so young and who you’ve had so little contact with. I don’t think you are in love. I think you are convincing yourself you are in order to lever yourself out of a toxic relationship. That isn’t fair to him. It isn’t fair to yourself either. You need to take the time to heal from the relationship with your current guy and to figure out why you would put up with such treatment. To give the new relationship the best chance possible and perhaps to let real love grow, you need to learn how to establish a relationship that is based on mutual respect and equality.

I did a search on the Internet and found SafePlace, a program in your city for women who are in an abusive relationship. I strongly urge you to contact them and to see one of the counselors there. They can help you safely withdraw from your boyfriend and do the personal work you need to do so you don’t get into a similar situation again. Their website is
http://www.safeplace.org and the phone number is 512-267-SAFE.

Take the time to take care of yourself. You deserve it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Jealous, insecure and don’t know how to trust

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am writing this because I have met the most wonderful man, who I love very much and who returns this sentiment. He has been so patient with me and now I fear I have pushed things to breaking point with my constant feelings of jealousy and the mad behavior that ensues. E.g., reading through his phone and email messages, asking him who he was talking to on the phone, how/why he knows female friends, causing scenes in front of his friends if he happens to talk to a girl while he is queuing at the bar. All sorts of things that, if the other way round I would find unacceptable.
The problem is I feel like I am going mad. I don’t know why I feel the way that I do because writing it down it doesn’t make sense. I haven’t had a particularly rough time in the past, I have had perhaps one ex that maybe cheated on me but I was never sure. The others have been good guys and yet I am convinced that they are trying to pull one over on me or make a fool of me, are only with me because of the timing and basically feel insecure about the relationship. When I am single I am completely different, outgoing, confident (maybe this is just a front) but as soon as I care about someone deeply I seem to lose the plot, and become (as my boyfriend put it ‘smothering’). I think this insecurity and jealousy that I feel is basically due to low self esteem (I have been with a couple of people who emotionally and verbally abused me). I feel like if I knew what it was to trust someone completely I wouldn’t feel insecure or jealous within the relationship but I just don’t have the confidence to believe that someone wouldn’t prefer someone else to me. For example with my current boyfriend I am constantly trying to find things that will ‘prove’ that he is no good, or that he is encouraging someone. I suppose I just don’t know what it is like to trust someone. Now my boyfriend is saying that he wants some space. Not as in not seeing me, but just time for him to see his friends and socialize sometimes without me there, or without me checking in. I know this is perfectly normal and reasonable and not something he should even have to ask for, yet I completely freaked out, feeling really hurt and rejected. It’s almost as if I enjoy feeling hurt and upset or get a kick out of thinking about his past – which upsets me. I obsess over his ex partners, even though when we first started dating I wasn’t bothered about his past, its only as the relationship progresses that I seem to get more and more insecure as opposed to the other way around? What can I do to stop doing this? I can see I am driving my lovely man away, but I have this almost toilettes like impulsion to say things I know are hurtful because of my jealousy or insecurities – things like – ‘I’m sure your ex-girlfriend was much better than me at that’ or whatever.

Please advise, I am thinking of looking into some sort of therapy or counseling as this man really means too much for me, I would never forgive myself if I drove him away.

Your intuition to do some counseling is a good one. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find someone in your country.

The more intimate relationships have different rules of engagement because of the intensity involved. When you are single and dating is casual you don’t have much to lose because the investment isn’t so great. But it sounds like once you are emotionally invested it feels shaky because now have something to lose.

Just because you have a feeling of being insecure doesn’t make it real. When you feel these concerns, particularly about your jealousy, you are going to want to challenge these thoughts. I would encourage you to work with a therapist who can teach you the basics of resilience so you can have the thoughts and move past them.

The find help tab will give you lists of people in your country. I would explain to the ones you choose to interview that you’re looking to find specific coping skills. This will help them work with you to put a plan of action together to bring about the changes you want.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend refuses counseling and says it’s really me who needs to go

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my current boyfriend for 6 yrs. I have one son from a previous marriage and he has two sons also and I am currently pregnant. Our relationship has been extremely difficult over the years and now I feel like I am at an impasse and have told him that unless he seeks counseling I am going to have to leave him, which he refuses to do saying that I am really the problem with everything and its really myself who needs counseling.

He has been in court ordered therapy a number of times getting a variety of diagnoses from bipolar to uncategorized psychotic i have had a restraining order on him previously do to his inability to control himself to the point he has become physically abusive, at which point a requested the prosecutor out him in mental health court so he could have a chance to get some help. Through this he says that he was told that he is fine and has no problems, and while he hasn’t been physically violent he remains controlling and inconsistent with his behavior and emotions.

He will follow me in his car and bring his kids into the college I attend to see if I’m sitting by other males. Sometimes everything can be great, but as soon as I start to be happy or think about a future with him he will accuse me of lying or bring up some situation from years ago and demand a detailed recollection. Aside from this when he has his kids he will yell and swear at them and at me or his mother while they are around and not put them to bed until 1 in the morning or later, at times driving them out to my house in the middle of the night if we are arguing.

I’ve told him the past couple months that for our relationship to go anywhere he needs counseling and medication because until he can control himself I feel as though I’m in a perpetual state of chaos never knowing how to feel or whether its a good idea to be around him. He will argue to the point of exhausting me and then demand to confront me in person to ague more, not letting me sleep or be alone.

Then he often acts as though nothing has ever happened and gets angry when I try to explain his behavior effects people and hurts them. I know things won’t change because I’ve been waiting 6 years, and I feel if I were to advance the relationship and move in with him or marry him (which is what he thinks will make everything better) I will be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I know when he’s gone to therapy in the past he lies or minimalizes the things he’s done, and often blames me. I know he is capable of being a very kind good person and father because I’ve seen him do it, but it’s always short lived and can change as fast as flipping a switch.

I want to be able to have a family with him and a life but it seems almost impossible given the circumstances. I’m not sure anymore what to say to him or how to get him to see that we could all have a better life if he acknowledged his behavior and tried to change it, and I don’t know if I can. Trying to leave him is painful and long and I usually have to call the police at some point to keep him away from me and I just want to know if there is anything else I can do before I have to go down that road again.

What you are describing is domestic violence. There is little likelihood that your boyfriend will change. Arguing with him to get into counseling is pointless. If he doesn’t see the need himself, he won’t get anything out of treatment.

The person you can do something about is you. Get yourself into some therapy right away. You deserve to have the support and advice of someone who can help you keep a grip on the reality of the situation. You are not safe. It would be a huge mistake to marry this man. A therapist will help you figure out how to take care of yourself and provide for your children.

The Women’s Resource Center in your city is a good place for you to start to get good help. Call the hotline at 800-554-4972. One-on-one support is available free of charge. Group counseling would provide you with the opportunity to talk with other women like yourself who are struggling to separate from someone they love who doesn’t know how to love them and their children.

You made a very important first step in writing to us here at LifeHelper. Please take the next step and contact the Center. If you can’t do it for yourself at first, do it for your kids. None of you deserve to be treated this way. All of you deserve to feel safe in your own home.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Should I take him back?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

First of all, I come from a loving family where my parents have a good marriage. My dad is a very hard worker and both parents were very involved in my life. I am an only child. My mother (though very loving) is bipolar (I think it would now be called cyclothymic disorder b/c she doesn’t have depressed episodes) and I always had to be a very strong and self-reliant person growing up. She did yell a lot. I find now that I end up being emotionally exhausted in relationships because 1. I am 100% committed to persevere despite all obstacles in anything I do and 2. I end up with guys that take a lot out of me emotionally.

My current boyfriend is a wonderful man. I am still attracted to him, love him very much, and we have a lot of fun together. We have been together almost 3 years. He is smart, successful in his job, has good taste, and many talents. His family is supportive of our relationship and has been welcoming when we visit them out of state. He seems to be at his best when with his family, specifically his grandmother, aunts, cousins, nieces/nephews. We share a lot of similar values.

He had a not so great childhood; mom and dad divorced at age 9, (dad cheated, drank, was abusive) mom was rarely around and his older brother by five years was basically watching out for them until they were in their mid teens. He became sexually active at 13. I understand that his mother would do shady things financially, take her children’s tax returns for herself, etc. As a child, they moved in with his grandparents, his grandfather drank heavily and made them do lots of hard yard work on their 3 acre property, he also put them down a lot, called them worthless, etc. He says that if his grandmother wasn’t so grounded, making sure he went to church, guiding him, etc., he would have never been as successful as he is.

Our relationship has been push and pull since the beginning. We met on an online dating site; I dated several guys before deciding to see my BF exclusively and beginning a sexual relationship w/ him. He was hard to get, I became so frustrated in the beginning that when I was about to break up with him after our third month, I saw a book while in line at a coffee shop and bought it. Literally every chapter was entitled as something he was doing that was bothering me – canceling dates, not calling, being distant, pulling back, pushing my buttons, picking arguments that didn’t seem to warrant arguments. We worked through this phase and I do not feel like he “plays games” now, but he still has some issues.

Since then this has been our cycle:

1. Things are okay to great
2. Just when I feel like I have a glimmer of hope about our future he does something – either picks a fight or behaves in a way that hurts me emotionally, is disrespectful, pulling back
3. I attempt to address it and he either refuses to acknowledge what I say entirely (sometimes he responds with weird cooing noises, or inaudible gurgling sounds instead of answering my question or responding; I respond by saying, “use your words.”) or continues to upset me
4. I next reach a point where I am ready to give up on our relationship and attempt a break up
5. He begs forgiveness and panics, promises he will do better
6. He usually improves but it happens all over again with time

I’m exhausted. I wrote him a letter a month ago about all this and how it hurts me, I woke him up at 3am to read it and he did, even though he had to work the next morning. He held me as I cried but said nothing, we went to sleep. Two weeks after that I decided that I have been feeling so much resentment that I made the decision to just be positive and give it my all once again. It was great for two weeks, better than ever, then he pulled back again by leaving my place on my birthday when he originally planned to spend the night, when I asked him why he was going he would not answer me, responding with gurgling noises. I asked him to stay, he said “no, but I will take my leftover pizza.” He left. With the pizza. I called him and told him it was over, the next day he came and begged forgiveness, pointing out how great the last two weeks have been and how far he has come, promising he will work on himself.

This time, I told him I needed space to think and decide what I wanted. I suggested he seek therapy. He said he can do this on his own and he has his whole life to prove it to me. He reluctantly agreed to a 3-week break (we are not seeing other people) and I am thinking things through. He may have his whole life to work through his issues, but I don’t want to wait the rest of my life to be happy. I am in grad school (for applied psychology I/O) I have a full time job, and lots of interests that I have little time for right now. My friends are pressing me to leave him. I don’t know what to do, I want to give him a chance but it seems hopeless, and I deserve to be with someone that gives me everything I need. I wish it were he, but I question if I will ever be truly happy with him.

What should I do when I see him in two weeks if I decide to give him another shot? I was thinking about insisting he seek therapy as a condition of giving him another chance.

Thanks!

Thank you for your clear and well-thought-out concerns. The fact that you have noticed both your patterns and his is a very good observation. It is only when we can see our patterns and others that we have a real chance of making changes.

The 3-week separation is the right thing to do. I have written articles about this elsewhere. The only way true change takes place is by first stopping what isn’t working. By you recognizing how depleting your boyfriend and other relationships have been, you are taking the lead by stopping the most essential problem: trying to persevere.

The sabotage cycle your boyfriend has, pulling the plug right when things are good, is often a cycle that happens when there has been the type of dysfunction you identified in his family. I think it is interesting you have noticed this and identified it as a cycle because in some way it may be like your relationship with your mother. Your experience has been with a mother who required you to be resilient and the one taking responsibility. For you to heal the wounds from your family, and for him to heal his, couples therapy would be the way to go. To be honest it sounds like the two of you are close because there is such clarity on what the issue is, but this will not get better on its own. I suggest using the find help tab at the top of the page to locate a couples therapist. If that isn’t possible, check out a couples therapy weekend with skilled therapists. This may help you both find the correction and the love you both desire.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How Do I Disengage From My Ex?

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I was with my ex girlfriend for a year and half.  A few months before our breakup she moved a few states away and we tried to maintain a long distance relationship.  I did not go with her, because I was nearly finished with college.  At the time it seemed like a spur of the moment decision on her part to leave the area, but she really wanted to move out.  When she was away, we talked about moving in together and other promising things about our future with one another.  Ultimately, she met someone out there and left me for him.  I was angry and upset and we talked about the situation at length. She said didn’t want to be with one person for the rest of her life.  I told her we should stop talking and said maybe we could be friends down the line.  A couple of months passed and she contacted me telling me heart felt things and insulting her own actions in regards to how we split.  I was excited to hear from her, but I told her it wasn’t a good idea for us to be talking to one another being that I still had feelings and she was still with her new boyfriend.  But, to my fault, I ended up contacted her a few times; sending casual “hi, what’s up?” emails.  She came back home to visit for two weeks and we ended up hanging out a lot.  She told me she still loved me and we were intimate and sexual with one another.  Emotionally though she seemed very back and forth about me and her current boyfriend.  Also she seemed guilty one moment for hanging out with me and then was alright about it the next.  Obviously she is confused and giving off mixed signals, and I feel like I’m being led on.  We have talked openly about the situation before but didn’t really come to a conclusion.  She told me she is uncertain if she is going to continue living there or if she is going to live back in this area.  Either way, I know this situation isn’t healthy for me and I should definitely disengage from it.  But I don’t know what I should or shouldn’t say or if I should even say anything at all and just walk away from it.  Thanks for your help.

Thanks for your email. Letting go of a past love relationship can be very difficult, especially when you felt a strong emotional and sexual attachment. I’m glad that you can see that holding on to this relationship isn’t good for you and that it’s time to take responsibility to change.

The underlying question for you to answer is why you are reaching out to and trying to engage in a relationship with a woman who moved away from you, found another boyfriend, clearly states that she doesn’t want to be with one person, and is willing to cheat on her current boyfriend with you. Are you afraid you won’t find someone else to love you? Are you trying to get her to choose you over her current boyfriend?

She isn’t the only one who’s confused and sending mixed signals. You have both sent mixed signals to each other. From what you’ve described, you aren’t far enough down the the road to “be friends” without becoming intimate, so I suggest that you set strong “no-contact” boundaries with your ex and stick with them. No contact means no contact. It’s time to start spending your time developing yourself and seeking a relationship with a woman who wants to be in a committed relationship with you, instead of holding on to an unhealthy past.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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My illness ruined our relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year. When we first got together our relationship was perfect. We had been friends for awhile and decided to take it to the next level. He was attentive and loving and made me feel special. He would go out of his way to do things for me or spend time with me. I had been in a lot of bad relationships in the past and before we got together I had been single for a little over two years. The lessons learned from those past relationships helped me to see where I was going wrong and to learn to be happy alone instead of constantly seeking someone to fill some void. I’d gone so far as to make out a very long list of the things I needed, wanted, and wouldn’t mind having in a relationship. My current boyfriend filled almost all of them.

Eventually though issues in my life started to arise, health issues that he noticed. I had always had some that bothered me but no doctor had really been able to give me a diagnosis. My boyfriend just accepted that who I was was who I would always be. He talked me into going in search of a doctor that could tell me what was wrong and eventually we did get a diagnosis and meds to help. That was the turning point in our relationship, when he found out that part of who I was was changeable. That there was actually hope that we could fix it.

That part of me is my weight. I’m not obese but I am over weight and it has been something I have struggled my whole life with. I work out, go to the gym daily, eat healthy yet never seem to lose. Before the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome he just accepted that my shape was set in stone but now that he sees it’s not, he wants me to change it.

We’d had so many talks about me moving to be near him, moving in together, getting married. At the beginning he was even begging me to come see him all the time. Now that’s all changed. It’s gone from “come this thanksgiving” to “We’ll see how things go”, from wanting me in his life to telling me I need to be in shape before I get there because he’s just not attracted to bigger girls.

On top of that he’s stopped spending time with me, I have to beg him to drop what he’s doing to make time for me in his life and he always acts like it’s a sacrifice. I feel guilty for even asking. When I bring these things up to him he’s genuinely sorry and feels terrible. He makes promises to change and says he wishes he were a better person but nothing ever does change. It just keeps going and I keep feeling terrible and unloved. I’ve started to question sometimes if he really loves me or not. I’ve doubled the time I spend at the gym, gone on a stricter diet, taken all the meds and advice my doctor can offer but I still worry about his conditional love. Is it even the right move to cater to it at all? Isn’t real love worth working for but what is too far? And what if one day something happens and I gain the weight back (assuming I manage to lose it all in the first place), will he still love me or will he suddenly lose his attraction for me?

I love this man very much. He is almost everything I have wanted to find in a man and I can’t picture my life without him. I’ve tried expressing myself, I’ve tried making the sacrifices, I’ve even tried being very pointed with my comments so he can see what he’s doing wrong when he’s doing it. Nothing has worked. I know you can’t expect a person to change themselves for a relationship but I don’t know how to fix this, what to say or do. And I do want to fix this.

You are asking important, important questions. You are also taking a huge amount on yourself. You say you know that you can’t expect a person to change themselves for a relationship but you don’t expect your boyfriend to give you the same courtesy.

It looks to me like you’re doing everything and more than can be expected given your diagnosis. I wish you success in your efforts to be healthy and strong. But healthy and strong doesn’t always mean being model-thin or even typical. From what I read, keeping your weight down is likely to be a challenge throughout your life. Do you want to always live with a “diet policeman”? Does he always want to be the cop on that beat?

Accepting your diagnosis means accepting all of it. For you, that includes doing what you can to work with your doctors and to continue to eat right and exercise to avoid the possibility of diabetes, heart disease, or high blood pressure. For your boyfriend, it means accepting that even when you are doing the very best you can, you are still going to have the medical problem and the issues that come with it. He needs to learn the difference between being encouraging and being demanding. If he isn’t attracted to bigger girls, you’re not the girl for him. Instead of making you feel bad about this, he should be looking at why he’s coming up with that issue at this stage in your relationship. Instead of feeling like there is something wrong with you, you need to be asking yourself why you would love a guy who is this unloving.

You can’t “fix this” on your own. I suggest you take a big step back from the relationship. Work on your own health and well-being. As you feel healthier, chances are you will also have more energy and more interest in a social life. You deserve someone who is going to love and cherish you – all of you. If he can’t come to terms with that, then your current boyfriend isn’t the guy for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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