Current Issues Archives

About 5-6 months ago I noticed my boyfriend’s behavior changing and it never went back to the way he used to me around me. A little background: we have been together for 2 years now, both 26, and do not live together. We spent a year apart while I was across the country in a training program. We skyped every night and saw each other every 2 months during that time, and it was a great way to get to know each other well without having the physical distraction. We have many things in common, but a few things differ on an ideological scale, and I think it plays an important role in our current issues. He is a virgin, and believes a person should have loved another enough before even meeting them to save themselves. I am not, though each person I have had sex with I was in a serious relationship. That really bothers him, and he used to bring up my past relationships a lot but doesn’t anymore. Things were perfect the first year, then he started to get less affectionate, which I think is natural as time wears on. Starting 5-6 months ago with no catalyst, he would refuse to kiss me, even duck out of the way, and would just stand there if I hugged him, he stopped holding my hand and cuddling but at least once a week we still have a passionate few hours. He stopped saying he loved me 3 months ago. Things were pretty normal besides that, with random bouts brought on by seemingly nothing where he’d be disrespectful and irritable. He never explained what brought it on even when asked. I have tried everything I can to get him to communicate what is bothering him. Most of the time he just responds with silence. He won’t tell me specifically what I do (if it’s me) that bothers him no matter how I ask. On many occasions when he get upset and withdrawn, I can’t even imagine what caused it, because everything seemed fine to me. I love him with every fiber of my being, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I am a great girlfriend, never raised my voice at him in frustration, take very good care, and am very patient.

I can appreciate how difficult it is to love someone who has become less emotionally available to you. While you are right that some loss of affection is natural, the pattern of behavior you’ve described sounds more deliberate. You may be at a crossroads and I would highly recommend a few sessions of couples therapy to bring in a learned third party. The find help tab at the top of the page can help you locate someone in your area.

But if your boyfriend doesn’t want to go the talking route, then you may want to initiate a trial cooling-off period. The relationship flourished when you were very distant, and perhaps distance is needed to rekindle it. Relationships are like violin strings. Some of them need great tension to be in tune, and others need much, much less to be in harmony. Yours may be more like the second type. If it is –the two of you can go on to find the right balance. If his silence is trying to communicate something else you’ll find out during the cooling-off period.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

My family has had issues through out the the years, but they have steadaly gotten worse. My mother has always had a temper and yells at me and my siblings. she blames this on her past and basicly anything that she can get ahold of to yell at us. My mom even goes as far as to start fights over something that happened over fifteen years ago with my dad, in witch she starts throwing things (ie plates, peanut butter jars, lamps, ) at us and threataning to hurt herself the fights normally end up with mom leaving with rope or a knife to a hotel. Me and my sister cant even do anything about it because if we even try to talk to her she explodes on us and the whole episode is re-created except with one of us in the view.

My mother has tried to kill herself at least two times… the last time i was left to find her hanging from the banester. The fights normally mean my sister and i get dragged into the fights and end up having to pick sides. Because of the fighting (and my constant wish to stay out of it) Mom and i have had our relationship dwindle. Dad always picks mom (not wanting to make her mad) and that leaves me and my sister to fend for ourselves. However my parents have been taking the side of my sister (who is also my twin) on everything, and to this day i will be called fat, ugly, stupid, a moron, ect, whale my dad and my sister just watch. i can hardly eat anything anymore without being called fat, or something of the like.

Honestly this is my last hope. i have talked to my mothers docters before and they say that i am just being childish and am seeing things from a teens perspective.. its gotten to the point where it would seem its normal for these things to happen

Well, it’s not normal. It’s terrifying. Whatever happened in her past does not give your mother license to hurt her children. No kid should be constantly worried about what she’ll find when she opens a door in her home.

Your mother sounds seriously mentally ill. Your dad sounds either overwhelmed or in denial. He and your sister are just keeping their heads down so they won’t be targeted. Instead, he should be your ally and he should be getting his wife some serious help.

I’m sorry your mom’s doctors have written off your reports as teen drama. Do try again. But this time, get an adult to help you. If your dad won’t cooperate, please talk to a trusted relative, teacher or your school nurse or guidance counselor. They may be able to help your dad know who to contact and how to get good help. If that doesn’t work, consider staying with a relative for awhile to get yourself out of the way of your mom’s anger.

I know this is really, really hard to do. But I hope you can keep the perspective that you are not responsible if your mother succeeds in committing suicide. Her problems are bigger than you can handle on your own. As much as you love her, you can’t give her the professional help she needs. Your dad and her doctors need to do what they can to take charge to avoid a tragedy.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Current Issues

Boyfriend won’t Communicate

My mom is tearing our family apart