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Day Care

My boyfriend has a baby from a past girlfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 8th, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend of almost 2 years, who is 27 years old, has a baby with a previous girlfriend. I didn’t find out until a couple months into our relationship when his ex-girlfriend sent me a message via facebook and told me. I, completely shocked, confronted my boyfriend about it and he cried and said he hadn’t told anyone about it and didn’t know what to do. He said he was going to tell me when “the time was right” but he didn’t want to lose me. He apologized (and still does) for being selfish and that if I didn’t want to stay with him he would understand. At that point I was already completely in love with him and wanted to be with him.

That was over a year ago and we have a great relationship, although I feel like I’ve been able to deny to myself that he has a baby. The mother of his baby lives two hours away in a small, rural town. She lives off welfare and refuses to get a job. My boyfriend had been sending her as much money as he could the past two years and thought that most of it was going to day care so that the mom could be looking for a job. He works full time and is in school full time so he doesn’t have a lot of extra money. He found out from a mutual friend between them that the mother wasn’t using his money for their baby. My boyfriend got mad and told her he wouldn’t send her any more money until she got a job. My boyfriend hadn’t heard from her in months until he got papers about child support and court dates.

My boyfriend has never seen the baby and doesn’t know if he wants to be in her life. He wants the child to have a good life but doesn’t see how to make it happen. If he wants to ever be successful and make money he must finish college. He can’t afford to drive there and back to see the baby every weekend and his work schedule wouldn’t permit it anyway. He also says he doesn’t want to have an erratic relationship with his child and he feels that coming into her life now, when his life is so chaotic and up-in-the-air, may be just as damaging as not being there at all. He has a very supportive, if not traditional, family. He doesn’t want to tell them for fear of how they’ll react even though they could financially help him out.

Clearly, the right thing for the child is to be in his life. I told him I wouldn’t tell him what to do because I’m biased. I don’t want him to be in the child’s life for my own selfish reasons and don’t want to sway him either way.

So, that’s the background info. My question is: should I stay with a man who has a child? We’ve talked about getting married after grad school and all of the things we want to do but it’s all kind of clouded by the baby issue. I usually talk to my mom about my problems, but I know she would freak out (rightly so, probably) and would tell me to not stay with him, even though she really likes and respects him. I’ve been sworn to secrecy by my boyfriend anyway. I’m too embarrassed to talk to my friends or a therapist because this whole situation is so ridiculous and out of my element.

I’ve been well brought-up, and so has my boyfriend, and can’t believe I’m in a “baby momma, welfare, child support” drama. We’re both educated, loving people that are in a really messy situation. I love my boyfriend and believe that he is “the one”. And for me (a very unromantic, factual, rational person) to say that means a lot.

I’m willing to work through all of this with him…I think. I just keep going back to wondering if I’m ruining my life by staying with him? I don’t know how I feel about it and don’t know what to tell him to do. He has told me many times that he doesn’t want me to have to worry or get involved and that if I don’t stay with him he will understand, but I want to stay with him. Am I being too childish and naive or is this a situation that two rational adults can handle, if willing?

Thank you for any advice.

Thank you for writing about this difficult situation. There are several issues here that are intersecting with your question. Let me respond by trying to sort them as I see them.

First, his lack of forthrightness in not telling you about his obligations is huge. This means that the unresolved components of his life, the greatest source of conflict for the two of you and likely the greatest ongoing clash for the rest of your lives if you stay together, was not revealed for very selfish reasons. You found out the most important intimate relationship in your life was built on a lie. This was not a fair encounter. Ask yourself the question: Would you have hidden such a situation from him? This will reveal if there is a fundamental difference between the two of you. If you would have kept it secret then the two of you are cut from the same cloth. If not, you have to acknowledge the fact that he was willing to hide something from you because he knew it had the potential for making him unacceptable. You are now willing to keep secrets from those you love because you are embarrassed, and he isn’t willing to tell his family. Both of you are now keeping secrets. Add to this the fact that he didn’t tell you, and may not have. This brings up the question of his ex-girlfriend’s motivation and needs in this situation. Are you willing to deal with that? More importantly you must ask why you’d want to.

Secondly, it is clear he hasn’t dealt with this problem adequetly, and now has a legal issue. By not telling you, and not dealing with her it has gotten worse. If you stay with him these issues will become yours. Do not minimize this. This is an ongoing concern that will affect your lives in a profound way. You must ask if this is something you are willing to take on. Again, more importantly, ask yourself why you would want to.

Finally you are asking if staying with him is going to ruin your life. Is this a risk you are willing to take? You already know this will be a major financial, legal and emotional issue to cope with, and are asking if these features could mess up your life. These are his problems and they are significant. He has not dealt with them in a straightforward way, and had kept the truth of who he is from you. It seems to me he has a lot to cope with before he can be fully ready for a relationship. His primary strategy seems to be not to deal with the most important concerns in his life. So far there is little you have told me to suggest he has changed.

I would encourage you to seek some individual therapy from the university counseling center to begin coping with the decision in front of you. I am glad you reached out here to get some feedback. It is now time to reach out to a counselor to gain some clarity about your decision.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

January 8, 2022 0 comment

I Keep Failing as a Mom

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 24th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m a single mom of a 20 month old little girl. She and I moved out of her dads home last November 2011. He and I stopped attempting to have any type of relationship earlier this year after I got fed up with him always dating Multiple people and never making my daughter and I a priority. So now I am on my own in an apartment taking care of her with zero financial help from him. Things are extremely tight financially for me. I have a full time job but I don’t make much. It’s so bad that I can’t even afford my own car or even day care for my daughter.

I have to use my mom and her other grandmother for help wih care while I am working. My mom also drives me everywhere that I need to go because of not having a car. It doesn’t seem like the worst situation in the world but to me it feels that way. I feel this way because first not having a car causes some major issues. 1st I don’t always have a way to pick up my daughter And her father helped with this up until the last month. So I am stuck scrambling around trying to make sure she is home safe everyday.

Now I have help with care but it’s not always safe help in my opinion. My daughter spends most of her time with her dads mom and she is a daily weed and cigeratte smoker in front of my daughter. She also doesn’t live in one place so where ever she is is where my daughter has to go so that I can work. Sometime she is even in a house full of strange men and it scares me so much because I don’t want anything to happen to my daughter. I used to have panic attacks after dropping her off because I was so afraid.

My own mother won’t watch her for a huge portion of the day because she doesn’t want it be bothered with her. She feels like she already has to drive me to work so why watch her too. I’m so constantly stressed about it all. Worrying about my daughter worrying about money and how I am going to pay for everything that I am constantly thinking of the worst things that can happen. I have panic attacks all the time.

I’m so ashamed of my life too. I lie to everyone about the simplest things an after I do it I can’t understand why. The lies build up and I can’t seem to find my way out of them. I can bare the thought of people knowing how awful my life really is.

I also eat for comfort. I have gained so much weight that I have gained over 30 pounds in the last year. I hate myself for it so much. For everything actually. It’s too the point that I can’t even look at myself In The mirror because I feel so ugly. I am so overwhelmed.

Right now I am one step away for losing our apartment and all I can think of is maybe I should give my daughter up for adoption. I can’t provide for her and she deserves south better than me. I’m not a good mom. I love her and try my best to make sure she gets what she needs like protection when I’m not around. I may always be this loser and I don’t want her to have me as a mom and be so disappointed to be related to me. I feel like I need some serious conuselling but I can’t afford it and I wouldn’t be able to get there if I could.

I used to always feel suicidal but since my daughter was born I don’t want to kill myself anymore. But I do feel down all the time. I never want to socialize or do anything normal but be her mom. I don’t feel worthy of other people. So why should I go out with friends. I hate my life. I hate my job and I think that I am starting to not want to be a mom anymore. I can’t handle it. All the stress and the no time away from my daughter is too much to handle and I feel like I am at my breaking point.

Please stop beating yourself up. Sometimes life is indeed very unfair. You are right to be worried about what your daughter is experiencing in her grandmother’s home. You have every right to be anxious about your entire situation. Feeling overwhelmed is absolutely normal when you’re in an overwhelming situation!

You need help, not judgement from your mother, from your ex, or from yourself. Please contact the Department of Human Services in your city. Make an appointment with a counselor to talk about what benefits are available tor a signle mom. You may be entitled to help with paying for a licensed childcare provider. You may be able to get help with housing, job counseling, and other assistance. They may also be able to help you get child support from your daughter’s father.

Please don’t be embarrassed to look for government help for now. It’s there for just this kind of situation. You’ve done everything you can to do things on your own. Now you need a boost to make a good life for yourself and your daughter. Once you get some relief and feel more stable in the present, you’ll be able to figure out what you want for a future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 24, 2021 0 comment

BF has anger issues

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 19th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have issues from past abusive relationships, flash backs, and fears insecurities on my own. I am not perfect, I have a temper I can be a yeller butI am also able to communicate and not let anger consume me. I also can make changes in my behaviour and keep promises. I believe strongly in communication and being compassionate even in an arguement and also in doing things to make positive change within a relationship.

I feel i became involved with a man who didnt disclose or was for whatever reason not honest about his issues with anger and intimacy, he said he would work on it, I opted to believe he was genuine.

His anger has escalated to the point where I feel it takes over the relationship. It is not possible to have true intimacy as anger and threats removed my feelings of trust and mutuality and I am aware of what is missing in the relationship and feel betrayed by the way he treats me and sadness that I think is only a normal by produnt of the circumstance.

He refuses to acknowledge the reasons I feel this way, almost pretending this reality doesnt exist thereby painting it as if my reactions and disappointments to his angry outbursts which last for days on end and drag on and on with punishing behaviours or the lack of needs and intimacy are manufactured.

Therefore there is no ability to even solve these issues as I am
blamed heavily for my own failures in the relationship while he denies the effects of what I consider to be above and beyond displays of abusive anger and doesnt even seem to care about his own shortcomings or the pain it causes me and what it means for us as acouple.

Each time we fight regardless of what it is or who started it I am told he doesnt love me when he is angry, hasnt loved me for awhile even though minutes before he said he did and I am dumped, hung up on, walked out on, phone smashed while talking, told he wont talk about, silent treatment, things smashed ect ect. screamed at. So the issue whatever it was is now lost and compounded in chaos and nothing can ever change.

When I say to him these behaviours are destructive and arent about being angry they are simply a lack of control and abusive and give an example such as all angry people dont do these bahaviours he says I make him get that way.

He complains about the state of our relationship and becomes more indifferent and angry more hostile and unkind blaming it on me saying I dont make him happy but I do not believe there is a way to make him happy nor do I think the hostile behaviour is about being unhappy because you can be upst without being mean and I think what he wants is a relationship where I become a doormat deviod of wants, expectations and needs for our relationship and him. I think expectations or the reality of a relationship cause him to get defensive angry reactions because he feels afraid and unwilling to open himself, he considers it weakness and therefore he blames these feelings on me instead of growing as a person and doing self reflection.

He wants a relationship deviod of responsibility but I dont think that exists, he tells me to accept him as he is but the truth is I feel is that he is the one unable to accept who I am.

I am willing to make changes, reasonable ones not brought forth from abusive demands but I feel he doesnt even think to try.

He wants a relationship where he does whatever he wants and the other partner doesnt contradict him or need things from him he doesnt feel like doing because its creates anxiety. Well truthfully I cant do that and I wouldn’t ask hm to do that either. I dont think that is a relationship.

I am tired and wondering if I am justified in my opinion?

Of course you are tired. You are tired of the anger and hostility and fighting. You are also very, very tired of finding yourself once again in an abusive relationship and having to figure out how to extricate yourself. It must be very, very discouraging.

You’re a smart woman. You know the many things you list as concerns are justified and you know that being right doesn’t matter. He’s not going to change. Talking, reasoning, arguing, even yelling, won’t get through to him. It didn’t with the other abusive relationships in your past. It won’t with this one. The only person in this situation you can change is yourself. That means facing up to the fact that you did it again and resolving that this time you’ll do what you need to do to learn from this recurring pattern.

I strongly urge you to get yourself into counseling. You deserve much better than this. On some level you don’t believe it or you wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior from a man who says he loves you. I hope that therapy will help you feel deserving of better treatment and will help you see the signs of an anger problem in a man before you make a commitment to him. With some support and personal work, you can learn to seek out someone who will cherish you and treat you well.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

February 3, 2010 0 comment