Disinterest Archives

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years and have one child. We are very openminded and compatible sexually, though our sex life has been through some ups and downs as we have grown as people and experienced child birth and child rearing. The first few years of our relationship, we did some wild things sexually, such as public sex, group sex, voyeurism, etc. We both enjoyed ourselves and were equally involved and responsible for our actions. During and after the pregnancy and birth of our child, however, our sex life went through some drastic changes, and we found ourselves with some sexual issues to work through. One of these issues was my newfound disinterest in our old wild ways; motherhood had turned my viewpoint on it from fun to irresponsible. We have gotten over most of the awkwardness that made its way into our bed, but now we are presented with a somewhat „gray area‰ issue. Over the past year or so, my husband has been visiting sexual video chat sites and broadcasting himself in various sexual states, most of the time masturbating, in both public and private online communications. At first he did this secretly, until I found out in a very startling way; I investigated the website that kept appearing in our computer‚s browser history on my phone at work, and was shocked to find a live public video feed of my husband fully aroused. After some obvious conflict over the discovery, we discussed it, and he told me that he missed having our „wild sex life‰ and that this helps fulfill that need. He asked if I would participate, and I agreed in hopes of helping to satisfy his sexual mentality. We broadcast ourselves having sex online a few times, having up to 1000 people watch, which completely turned my husband on and completely turned me off. I decided I wasn‚t going to join him again due to the uneasy feeling it gave me which kept me from enjoying myself. Ever since, I have known in the back of my mind that he still does this, and have gotten up in the middle of the night a few times to find him masturbating and video chatting publicly or with females who are at least scantily clad, if not nude and masturbating themselves. When I confront him about it, he says he has a public sex fetish and needs to fulfill it, believing that it helps keep him „faithful‰ to me since I am no longer interested. (Something you should know about my husband; he is a popular musician and is often confronted with opportunities for sex at shows, but I am confident that he hasn‚t cheated on me). It is obviously a disturbing experience to get up and find him doing this, and although he is not physically cheating, I still feel hurt and disrespected on these occasions. I basically want an outsider‚s point of view on whether I should accept this as part of the man I fell in love with and married, reject it on the grounds of how I feel (although I have a hard time with the thought of leaving him over it), or if we should try to work out some sort of compromise. I would like to come up with some way where he can feel fulfilled and I can be a part of it, without making me uncomfortable, but haven’t been able to (not asking you to figure out what that would be for me, just mentioning it). Thank you very much for your time and help with this issue.

Thanks for writing to us.

There are several things that I want to point out that are good. First, this situation has now become an open conversation between you and your husband. In every couple there is ongoing negotiation as people shift and change their needs. The two of you have begun this processs of trying to balance things out. I think the fact that you were willing to experiment with taking part was a good effort. It didn’t work for you, but that doesn’t negate the experiment. That you tried to do this together is where the power is.

That is my point. It isn’t what you do, but rather the fact that the 2 of you are trying to come up with a solution together where the value is. The connection through the experimenting with ideas is where the relationship is made. The process of processing and experimenting your decisions together is what will be important.

You are a creative, dynamic couple. Use some of that creativity to try some variations that honor both of you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

I have had depression (off and on) for as long as I can remember but have recently started treatment for it (three years now). The treatment is really helping and I know I am making progress because of it. My depression has manifested itself as fatigue, low-motivation, low self-esteem and a disinterest in things outside the house. I may also be a perfectionist, but I haven’t really looked at that one yet. I have an undergraduate degree and graduated with honors. I just feel as thought my connection to all things work-related is simply missing. I know that this is due to my depression. And while I feel myself coming out of my depression, I also feel frustrated that my interest in things has not followed. I know I need to take baby steps in order to “get back into the world” but do you have any suggestions as to what this looks like? I have considered speaking with a career counselor but I am a bit nervous that it will leave me feeling totally overwhelmed and ready to retreat back into my shell again. (The last time I met with a career counselor I ended up crying uncontrollably in her office). I feel sad for the time I have wasted with this affliction, disgruntled about how depression has stripped me of my ability to “tackle” the work world and unsure of how to proceed in this new tentative period of healing. Thank You.

“If I had not been already been meditating, I would certainly have had to start. I’ve treated my own depression for many years with exercise and meditation, and I’ve found that to be a tremendous help. ” –Judy Collins

I am sorry your depression is so weighty, but admire the strength and resilience you are showing by combating it in therapy. Depression that has a centrifugal nature to it needs to be addressed at many levels. The fact that you are in individual therapy is excellent. Here are 7 other features you may want to consider:

When a depression is so pervasive we need an equally robust offense on the thought process. What I am recommending is a daily dose of strategies from positive psychology specifically designed to shift your thoughts and feelings toward a more positive framework. This isn’t a simplistic “think-happy-thoughts” approach, but rather a focused effort at cognitive restructuring of your thought process. Here is a link to a series of articles looking at the direct application of techniques from the sub-field of positive psychology.
Think of it as an ongoing process as we do with physical hygiene. You may have taken a terrific shower on Monday, but by Wednesday you will need another. It is the same with positive mental hygiene. We need to generate a critical mass of positive thoughts on a regular basis. One of these articles will highlight the fact that it takes three positive thoughts to overcome every negative one, thus the need for daily strategies.
I did not read that you are taking an antidepressant. I would definitely consider this if you haven’t as the research demonstrates quite clearly that the strongest combination is that of therapy and an antidepressant in the approach to coping with depression. With the new medicines being introduced there may be one that suits you.
If you do not want to take an antidepressant there are several homeopathic or herbal alternatives that may be helpful. For these you will want to consult a registered dietitian. Many of the better health food stores have either access to a RD or make available such information. There is some interesting research by the federal Department of Health and Human Services on a supplement known as SAM-E. But please be sure to consult someone knowledgeable in these matters. There may be contraindications if you are taking antidepressants already (or other kinds of medicine) or have certain medical conditions.
You may want to consider group therapy as a means of supplementing your individual therapy. Group therapy is different in that there is an interactive feature that can’t be duplicated in individual therapy, and it often provides a vehicle for support as you begin to make changes in your life. Your therapist may know someone he or she can refer you to in your area.
Meditate. Learning how to self-soothe your emotional turmoil is perhaps the most important skill you can learn. There are dozens of meditation practices and you may have to experiment with several before you find one that you like. Here is a link on meditation to give you a starting point.
Aerobic exercise. The value of exercise in combating depression is very well documented and this is particularly true for any exercise involving aerobic displacement. If you are okay to do this medically, exercise in any form will help.
Review your diet. No one gets depressed, puts the back of their hand to their head and says: “ I am so depressed, I need to have a piece of lettuce.” Our emotional life often changes our craving for various foods, which may not have the best impact on our biochemistry. Again, I would check in with a registered dietitian to be certain your diet is supporting your mental well-being.

Even if you can’t implement all of these things, pick one that isn’t part of your approach right now and begin there. Depression is a formidable foe, but developing these habits for dealing with the symptoms can make the difference.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

Disinterest

Husband has online video sex chat

Dealing with Depression: 7 habits of highly corrective people.