Tag:

Distraction

We will lose everything if husband doesn’t get help!

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. August 24, 2023

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Q: My husband and I have been married for 30 years. When we first lived together he was attending a prestigious college on a full ride scholarship. He was taking a double major that his mother thought he could handle. At the time his parents’ marriage was in a mess and family life was bad. Once we started sharing an apartment he would constantly watch “Looney Tunes” and put off any studies. I was concerned but he assured me that everything was fine until he flunked out of school. Surprising because his IQ is quite high but not shocking as he didn’t have “mom’s” constant enforcement.

He then got a position in a lucrative industry and for the past 28 years has traveled up the management ladder as far as he is able to go without a degree. I believe he is well liked however at one point a boss asked him if he was on drugs which he wasn’t. Just exhausted and in the “twilight zone.” He is often frustrated with his cognitive abilities and communication skills. About 5 years ago I insisted that he get tested for ADHD. He has ADHD, sleep apnea, and depression and is being treated with meds. His psychiatrist believes that he may have narcolepsy as he can’t stay awake quite a bit of the time even though he uses a c-pap at night. Testing for this is forthcoming.

My concerns are: Because of his inability to complete or focus on ANYTHING we are about ready to file a totally avoidable bankruptcy. He hasn’t filed 2 years of taxes, is paying fines for traffic violations that are huge as he put them off, has had electricity, water, etc. turned off even when he can afford to pay, can’t communicate well enough with his doctors to get a accurate diagnosis, and is piling weight on. His problems only get worse as he ages. His mother had schizophrenic symptoms (seizures, seeing things, and hearing voices) years ago and I’m wondering if this could be genetic. She also has ADHD and is a poor communicator as are 3 of his siblings. I’m at a loss… Should he be seeing a neurologist, psychiatrist, or who? I’m at wits’ end and both he and I can’t go on like this! Thank you.

It sounds like he is already seeing a psychiatrist so I would recommend sticking with this or finding a new one if you both are not satisfied with the care he is receiving. A neurologist wouldn’t be a bad idea either as well as a sleep disorder specialist. The best you can do is get a good team of doctors and make sure they communicate with each other.

If he is not in therapy, I highly recommend that he find a good therapist or coach as well. Some of this is behavioral and he needs to work on this with someone who can educate and guide him in this area.

There are several good books on ADHD and disorganization. One that comes to mind is Driven to Distraction. There are many workbooks as well that may help identify and change behaviors. In the meantime, I would suggest that you take over the finances and the monetary aspects of running the home. If his disorganization and procrastination are affecting you then maybe you need to be much more involved. Your livelihood is obviously at stake here too. If he does not get better soon you may want to talk to his doctors about filing for disability.

There are certainly genetic/hereditary components to mental illness. If one person in the family, especially immediate family, has a mental illness it increases the likelihood for others. So his mother having problems does increase his chances. I hope he stays connected to his treatment team and that things improve soon for both of you. Good luck.

August 24, 2023 0 comments

Boyfriend won’t Communicate

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 3, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

About 5-6 months ago I noticed my boyfriend’s behavior changing and it never went back to the way he used to me around me. A little background: we have been together for 2 years now, both 26, and do not live together. We spent a year apart while I was across the country in a training program. We skyped every night and saw each other every 2 months during that time, and it was a great way to get to know each other well without having the physical distraction. We have many things in common, but a few things differ on an ideological scale, and I think it plays an important role in our current issues. He is a virgin, and believes a person should have loved another enough before even meeting them to save themselves. I am not, though each person I have had sex with I was in a serious relationship. That really bothers him, and he used to bring up my past relationships a lot but doesn’t anymore. Things were perfect the first year, then he started to get less affectionate, which I think is natural as time wears on. Starting 5-6 months ago with no catalyst, he would refuse to kiss me, even duck out of the way, and would just stand there if I hugged him, he stopped holding my hand and cuddling but at least once a week we still have a passionate few hours. He stopped saying he loved me 3 months ago. Things were pretty normal besides that, with random bouts brought on by seemingly nothing where he’d be disrespectful and irritable. He never explained what brought it on even when asked. I have tried everything I can to get him to communicate what is bothering him. Most of the time he just responds with silence. He won’t tell me specifically what I do (if it’s me) that bothers him no matter how I ask. On many occasions when he get upset and withdrawn, I can’t even imagine what caused it, because everything seemed fine to me. I love him with every fiber of my being, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I am a great girlfriend, never raised my voice at him in frustration, take very good care, and am very patient.

I can appreciate how difficult it is to love someone who has become less emotionally available to you. While you are right that some loss of affection is natural, the pattern of behavior you’ve described sounds more deliberate. You may be at a crossroads and I would highly recommend a few sessions of couples therapy to bring in a learned third party. The find help tab at the top of the page can help you locate someone in your area.

But if your boyfriend doesn’t want to go the talking route, then you may want to initiate a trial cooling-off period. The relationship flourished when you were very distant, and perhaps distance is needed to rekindle it. Relationships are like violin strings. Some of them need great tension to be in tune, and others need much, much less to be in harmony. Yours may be more like the second type. If it is –the two of you can go on to find the right balance. If his silence is trying to communicate something else you’ll find out during the cooling-off period.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

November 3, 2022 0 comments

Why Do I Try to Do Too Many Things?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 29, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Ever since I remember I was trying to do too many things. Besides my job I always have a number of “hobbies” or “passions” that make it really hard to concentrate on one main thing or even to choose what that main thing should be. For example, lately I have become obsessed with making electronic music. So while being at work I am secretly spending nearly all my day reading and watching videos about the equipment and techniques. Note, that I mostly do not actually make music, but rather “prepare”, “research” or “study”. I consistently miss deadlines at work, but just can’t keep my mind on the job.

But the worst part of this is that through my life I had a dozen or more of such hobbies, becoming obsessed, then switching to another, then going in circles. Some but not all of them include drawing, painting, playing different music instruments, programming, visual design, tournament poker (professional approach requires a lot of training), financial trading, internet marketing, and others. As you can probably guess I have never become decent at any of this, just “trying”, “learning” and then switching to another. I am writing this because it looks like some kind of disorder to me, I just spend a lot of time with little results, my main job is constantly in danger because I am distracted and I am very frustrated. I don’t understand, why do I even want to do these things. I just become obsessed and can’t stop, can’t control it.

I would really appreciate if someone could explain what is going on with me, why is my mind working this way and what to do to actually live a more simple and fulfilling life. Thank you!

It is fine to have hobbies but not when the time spent on them puts you at risk to lose your job. Continuing to engage in this behavior could have real-life consequences.

If you are okay with possibly losing your job, then there is nothing you need to do to change. If you are not okay with the possibility of losing your job, and I am assuming you are not since you wrote for help, then you must be willing to take whatever steps that are necessary to change.

Some people engage in destructive behaviors because nothing of consequence has happened and or because they don’t believe that anything of consequence will happen. Based on the limited information provided, you have not been fired yet, but it seems like a definite possibility.

If you cannot control your behavior, then consider behavioral therapy. Behavioral therapy is highly-focused on extinguishing specific, unwanted behaviors. It’s imperative that this problem is corrected so you can avoid losing your job. You do not want to “learn the hard way” that your behavior has very real consequences. The responsible thing to do, the protective thing to do, is to get help from a therapist before your behavior harms you. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

June 29, 2022 0 comments

My boyfriend and I are related through marriage

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 27, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I met when his Uncle and my mother got married. We have known each other for years and recently him and I have grown closer and have started dating. We have been dating for 7 months now and my parents will not approve. We have tried sitting them down and talking to them and each of us talking to them individually and they just don’t want to hear it. It has gotten to the point where I have had to move out because of the way that they treat me. My mother can’t even look at me the same way.

It really hurts because I am still the same person I always have been. I work very hard to do well in school and to support myself but she still can’t approve of something as little as my relationship. I understand that it is not the ideal situation and it is very complicated but shouldn’t my parents be able to look past it and see that I am extremely happy with my boyfriend? He is related to me through MARRIAGE not by blood. It is completely different. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with this issue…

As you are already finding, your relationship isn’t a “little” issue to your mother. You wrote that you and your boyfriend have tried to talk to the older generation. What you didn’t tell me is what their objection is. If it is on the grounds of your being “related,” their concerns are irrational. You and your boyfriend are not related genetically. There is nothing morally or legally wrong with your relationship.

But if they don’t see you two as a good match for other reasons, then it’s only respectful and potentially important to hear them out. They may see a truth or a partial truth that is hard for you to hear but still at least somewhat valid. Your mother may be doing only what mothers do — trying to protect you from making what she sees as a mistake. The question of whether you are “related” may be only a distraction that is covering up more important concerns. At least ask her directly to find out.

If the issue is truly about a mistaken idea about the morality of dating someone who is related only by marriage, then it’s going to be tough to change the older folks’ minds. Issues of strong principle are often not very negotiable. All you can do then is be clear that you love and respect them but that you have to live by your own moral code, not theirs, and hope that they eventually come around to acceptance if not agreement. This is more likely to be successful if you stay out of arguments. There is nothing to argue about. Neither of you are going to change the other. All you can do is lovingly agree to disagree.

My best advice to you is to be more openminded than the older folks are and to not draw such a deep line in the sand that you can’t reconcile at some point. Permanent cutoff from your family would be very painful for both you and your boyfriend. Give your mother and his uncle some time to get used to the situation. If it is clear that you two are truly a committed couple, they may soften over time. Should that happen, you want to be in the frame of mind that you’ll be able to forgive and move on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

February 27, 2011 0 comments