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Mom Cheating on My Dad

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 19. Two years ago, I and my younger sister found my mom cheating on my dad. Actually I’ve guessed it long ago. We saw sexts, nude pics on her phone. We were so depressed about it. I don’t live at my home. When I come home on holidays, my sis shares all the nasty things that my mom was doing. Recently, she’s taking videos of us at home without our knowledge and he’s sharing with him. I’m so angry and disappointed with her. I once asked if she’s cheating. She lied on my face. She tortured us by not speaking to us for weeks. I love my mom a lot. My dad is so loyal and kind person. That guy with whom my mom was cheating is also married and has kids. He’s our family friend. I don’t know what to do. I’m worried about my sister as she’s staying at home and sees all these things. She’s more depressed than me. Can you please help me? I know you have seen similar problems. I need help. (From India)

You did the right thing by writing this email. I can imagine how difficult it has been for you to know of this and feeling like you are carrying the burden of your family. I am going to be recommending you find the courage to take action, but first I want to offer a perspective supporting why I am recommending it.

Your mother’s secretly videotaping and then broadcasting videos of you and your sister without your consent would be enough for you to take some direct action. More than this she is being careless with her indiscretions, lying to you about her behavior, and disrespecting your father. All of these unfortunate behaviors are ticking time-bombs that will detonate sooner or later. You cannot control what your mother does, but you can make decisions for yourself.

The fact that you are out of the house but your sister isn’t makes matters particularly difficult. While you didn’t say your sister’s age her being home makes this challenging for both of you — particularly if she is younger. Your mother has consciously or unconsciously, put you both in a very arduous position. Her lack of concern for your wellbeing, your sister’s, and your father puts each of you in jeopardy. Her reckless behavior puts everyone at risk.

If the affair goes undetected (very unlikely in my experience) and you don’t take action it will leave you and your sister having held a dark secret. You already don’t respect your mother and are disappointed in her behavior. Whether she stops or continues there would be no reason for you to change this opinion of her going forward. It would be natural for a child to resent her mother for putting her in this position.

It also (by default) means that you would be keeping this secret from your father — and in a way betraying him. He is going through life thinking he has a faithful wife and a family friend, but instead four of the closest people to him are holding secrets. It is unfair of your mother to have put you and your sister in a position where you would have to maintain this secret.

If (I think when is more likely) the affair is found out you would have to cope with your father’s reaction. He may forgive you both for not saying something about it, but he may also be disappointed. Again, not a good position for you and your sister to be in.

In light of the negative consequences for staying silent the other option is doing something about it. But this will require you and your sister to get some support from outside the family, as you have begun with this email. I will encourage you and your sister to find a safe person to talk to about what is happening. Perhaps a member of the clergy, a trusted teacher, a school counselor, or a therapist. Finding some support as you get ready to deal with this is essential. Your sister and you are natural supports for one another, but having someone you both trust to hear your concerns is essential. You already are feeling alone with this and having someone you can trust to help you is one very important way you and your sister can take care of yourselves. Your mother denying the consequences of her behavior has created an emotionally abusive situation for you. Someone else needs to know about the difficulty she has put you in. Once you have the support you and your sister and this support person can consider your options. None of them are easy choices, but your mom has created an untenable situation that will require you to do what you feel is the best course of self-care for both of you. This could include confronting your mother by saying if she doesn’t talk to your father you will have to, talking to your father, having a therapist of clergy member as a support person who talks to one or both of your parents, or any number of other possibilities that would keep you from having to hold on to this secret.

Secrets in families can be devastating as this, this, and this blog can explain.

You have taken the very courageous and important step in not holding onto this secret by writing us here. It is now time to take the next step by finding a person you and your sister can talk to about planning what comes next.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Am Tired and Alone

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am from India but now in the USA for MBA. After divorcing I went back for the sake of kids. I thought that maybe divorce shall teach the importance of family to my former wife. She persisted with boyfriends (reason for divorce), more than one.

The latest affair of my wife was brought to fore by my elder kid (14 years old). He understands and told me that “mom talks every night and always abuses me (Father). I was consistently abused by my wife when I went back, after divorce, to stitch “the family”. I think I failed miserably. I somehow managed to stay with my kids.

Now, in USA, I met a girl. She is not attracted towards me but she is a hugger. I know she doesn’t mean anything. I was getting hooked to the feeling of getting loved, though only in my mind. I told her what I feel and asked her not to hug me again. I don’t want to live under illusions.
But this interaction triggered introspection.

I am somehow disconnecting myself from everything at a snap. I reach a stage when I simply disconnect from an emotion and then it does not matter. Earlier I used to control this, now it just happens. I can no more control this.

I had a violent childhood. I had seen my mother getting beaten at drop of hat. She consumed poison when I was young. My wife betrayed me, repeatedly.

Sometimes I really look forward to breast that I can bury my head and sleep. If I do not drink, I get nightmares and stressed muscles for whole day; if I drink I get knocked off and my body or mind is not rested, cramps again.

I want to have love. I have not touched a female for 13 years now. Sex is byproduct of love. I want to have a life. My last relationship left me blank. I want to have a normal life, a family.

I keep on forgetting things, my emotions stops abruptly.

I want to get over my former wife, have my kids, and a woman who can love me. My last relationship, with for wife, left me scarred and mentally impotent.

IS THERE HOPE?

So much more to write. Please talk to me, please help. I don’t want to “lose it”. And yes, I am broke.

 Yes, there is hope. In fact, the descriptions you give of your symptoms make perfect sense. You have been betrayed and are afraid it will happen again. Cutting off your emotions was a survival technique to keep from feeling the pain.

Yet, you deserve love. The other elements of your letter, about your desire for a better life for your children and respect for the limits of the woman you met, and the fact that you are pursuing your MBA — show a sensitive man with obvious intelligence.

The university you are connected to in the USA has a counseling center that is equipped with highly trained therapists who work on a sliding scale for students who are broke. Go make an appointment. It is time for you to start living your life with love in it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How Do I Handle Mother Who Left Us 35 Years Ago?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 53 and one of 5 kids. Mother left Dad (us) in the ’80s for a woman in another State. She (they) eventually moved back but lived several hours away. We are only now realizing that many of our trials in life have been a result of her abandonment, lies, narcissism, and reluctance to acknowledge her hypochondria (which nearly frightened us to death as kids)or seek therapy for her own survivor’s guilt from when her own mother was killed by a drunk driver.

Her 5 siblings were taken to a veterans children’s home in 1933 and Mother was adopted by an aunt and her husband.She was rich, a prodigy at the best schools, and travelled. Her sibs were poor but a close, blue-collar family. She told us these things right before she took us to her dying birth father’s bed. She is unable to get along with people/cops/family and has been a combative recluse for the past 20 years.She can be majorly screaming crazy.

She left us.We have all tried to reach through to her sanity, emotions, and love but she speaks to us as though everything is always fine and even now her surprise trips to the ER continue. We have offered to have her move in.

She lived in a Catholic retirement home. Christian, she became a Catholic when we finally convinced Daddy to divorce her. Always punishing herself. She got in early because she could play the organ.

Here is my problem: She wanted this minimal relationship all these years, but with aging comes a need for increased contact. She’s still jerking us all around. She’s 85 and as healthy as can be.

I’ve coped with this by holiday visits, writing and calling rarely. Now I keep hearing people say to call her while she’s still with us. I cannot handle seeing her and it seems the guilt of not-seeing her is awful. It’s affecting my weight and activity level. Hasn’t she made her bed? I love her so. But I felt I accepted the loss of her 35 years ago and now I know if I try to connect again she will disappoint me tragically. It’s as she’s been dead already. Now that she’s elderly, I am crying for all that was already lost and it will renew when she actually dies this time. I don’t know if I can do that again.

Although you say you accepted the loss 35 years ago, you continue to feel guilt about the lack of connection and anticipate renewed grief when your mother actually dies. This suggests to me that you are suffering from what is called “incomplete mourning.” Because the loss was from abandonment, not death, it may be that you didn’t get the support you needed at the time. You couldn’t quite move on all the way because you didn’t have the finality of death. Instead you were left with some flicker of hope that you’d finally get the mother you longed for and deserved.

You lost your mother in a very real way when you were only 18 and launching into adulthood. Research tends to overlook young adults who lose their moms, according to Taranjit (Tara) K. Bhatia, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships, including mother-daughter bonds. Because they’re already adults, people assume these daughters don’t need maternal guidance. However, losing a mom has a powerful effect on young adult daughters. I imagine that you were angry, confused and sad. You might have even worried that you had done something wrong to cause it. You had a mother who was alive in the world who wasn’t really alive for you.

Well-intended people are suggesting you call her, which seems to be triggering the incomplete mourning. Those people don’t know your history. They are basing their suggestion on an assumption of a healthier relationship than you have ever had. They don’t understand that sometimes personal emotional health depends on separating from a toxic parent.

I see no reason for you to change your level of contact with her. Holiday visits and an occasional call acknowledge her, but maintain an appropriate boundary. There is no reason to think that increasing contact will get you the mother you always wanted. She isn’t likely to change at this point. You are likely to only re-experience the wounds of being left.

Instead, focus on accepting the positive “mothering” that comes from your friends and others who love you. Positive adult friendships include the nurturing and loving elements of mothering without the craziness your bio mother offers.

As for the people who are trying to give you advice: Thank them courteously for their concern and go your own way. They aren’t likely to understand your choice so there is no point in arguing with them. You don’t owe them an explanation. You certainly don’t need to follow their bad advice. Spend your time and energy with the people who count.

If you continue to be distressed, I encourage you to see a counselor to help you finish grieving the biological mother and to find the mothering you need in others.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Fiancé Broke Up with Me at My Daughter’s Graduation

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Today my daughter graduated from high school. My ex-wife’s father and sister came from out of state to support my daughter. My mother also came from out of state. At the event we all sat together. I could tell my fiancé was not happy or comfortable. After the event we all went to eat out to celebrate the graduation.

At the end of the night I asked my fiancé what was wrong. She reported that she felt disrespected because I did not tell her that we would all be sitting together. Several times she stated that if she’d known that I’d be there with my family she would not have come.

I responded by telling her that I am sure I told her that we would all go out to dinner after the graduation, and that the following day I’d take my daughter for the day and the following day after that, her mom (my ex) would take her out for what ever celebration she’d plan.

My fiancé was highly emotional about the whole thing. I apologized multiple times for not being clear or explaining things better prior. To which she continued with her emotionally charged yell/cry.

I tried to show how unfair it was for here to react this way when I have the constant reminder of her deceased husband’s name tattoo on her arm, pictures of him in her living room, kitchen, etc. So, I’m expected to be ok with her pasting my face constantly, but my ex wife at my daughter’s graduation is a deal barker because I did not make clear that the families would sit together?

We have had arguments before, but this if the first time that I have felt that she is completely wrong. Even if I did not state clearly that my ex and her family would sit with us, I did not invite them to sit with us, it happened organically.

I have been able to keep my new life separate from my old, til this point, but there will without a doubt be other times when the two are in the same event in support of my child.

I want to understand her point, but it is very hard. Please advise.

Of course your fiancé is entitled to her feelings, but she had options. She could’ve remove herself from the seating and sat elsewhere, or she could have spoken to you privately when it was happening rather than holding on to her resentment.

I wouldn’t try to fix this. Rather I would explain that these situations are likely to happen again and that you will do everything you can to make sure she is informed, but she needs to take responsibility for managing her emotions when things don’t work out to her liking. You can’t be responsible for making sure she is never ruffled by these events. This isn’t yours to fix as much as it is hers.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Mother Is Using My Daughter to Control Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Australia: I am recently divorced and looking at possibly moving to start over. My parents have been great helping with my daughter by watching her and making sure she gets to her activities and such. The divorce and the circumstances were quite difficult on my daughter and myself and as a result she has been going to therapy to deal with some of the issues.

Recently my mother has become quite vocal and forceful about telling me that I need to really need to think about this moving business and that if I do move it is going to do nothing but hurt my daughter because I will be tearing her away from her family. That I am a big girl and can take care of myself, but who is going to take care of my daughter while I am working and having a career.

My daughter is 9 and as she is now she is pretty good by herself but would be fine to go to an after school program as well. Her repeated accusations that I never think about my kids when I make these decisions and that I am going to just hurt them is becoming very hurtful and making me very resentful towards her. Whenever I try to approach the subject with her she starts listing off all of the thing monetary and non monetary she has done to help me in the past all of the way back to when I was in college.

Help me please! How do I deal with my mother so that I do not hurt her feelings but make her understand that she needs to quit trying to control me all of the time and that the decisions that I make are for my kids and my well being and are not made just to hurt her.

It’s unfortunate that what should be a helpful discussion has turned into a power struggle. Your mother does have a point. Your daughter has already lost her original family with the divorce. If you move, she will be facing the loss of her grandparents who have provided some stability and an extra dose of daily love during a difficult time.

What you see as attempts to “control” you may in fact be a desperate effort by your mom to preserve the kind of relationship she has with her granddaughter. What you see as a big step forward is a big loss for her. Is it possible that she doesn’t experience empathy from you for her feelings? Are the two of you able to calmly talk about how to best support the child as well as the adults in another transition?

My suggestion to you is that you stop seeing this as a win-lose battle with your mother. You both love your daughter and have the best interests of the little girl at heart. Invite your mother to a session with the therapist to talk about how to help you move on with your life and at the same time keep the strong ties with your parents that have been a lifeline for both you and your little girl.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Husband Acts Inappropriate

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My husband is acting inappropriately, being rude, and judges me when I am in pain. I am 13 weeks pregnant, and we are financially distressed. We moved in with my in-laws, which my husband LOVES. I am an introvert, his entire family is extroverted, controlling, and often manipulative. I set healthy boundaries on my terms for them, and insist on being respected while avoiding confrontation. My husband used to be blind to their disrespect and control, but is improving by learning to set boundaries as well. I have been in a lot of pain this week. The baby is moving up and out of my pelvis, I have been working long hours, the management at work has been chaotic, and I have developed pain in the tendons of my left foot due to pregnancy weight gain. I set a boundary for my sanity: if it cannot be fixed right now, I don’t want to talk about it right now. My husband cannot understand this. He arrived at my work, frantic about bills, and proclaiming extreme gloom and doom. I was in pain, and a little short with him, because I will not be dragged into despair while under so many other pressures that I must overcome. I told him to stop. I clarified the situation, and explained this was exactly why I set my boundaries where I did. He was maxing out my mental self control, and he needed to stop. I helped him through his crisis, which was nothing more than a temper tantrum and despair mixed together, and said I needed more time to work out solutions for the problems. I worked out a solution within the hour. He has done this many times in the past month, and I have become increasingly less tolerant of the setting, and approach of these discussions. Yesterday during my switch shift break, my husband wanted to discuss his frustration and failure in turning off our Internet provider. I tried to express my opinion twice, and twice he cut me off. I became angry. I told him that was unacceptable, and I was done speaking to him, because it was obvious he was not respecting my opinion. He tried to tell me all my faults to win the argument, I told him that he knew I was exhausted and in pain. That he was being a jerk, and I did not have to tolerate that. I stormed off to stop my reaction. Last night, my abdominal muscles hurt, my back hurt, my left foot felt like my tendons were being sliced, and I was out of mental reserves, so I introverted to keep from being mean or short. My husband could not respect my boundary. He could not even see it. I expressed the pain, told him what I needed, and he chose right then to be super emotional and sensitive to the way in which I made my request. I had enough. I found a scarf, tied my foot in my best copy of the therapeutic splints I found online, and realized my husband was still going on and on about his feelings about how upset he was, how he couldn’t help me, and more about him and his feelings. I told him he needs to pay attention to his surroundings more while he is talking. I made my own splint in the time it took him to get all that complaining out. I explained I was in great pain. That I had zero tolerance for this level of pain, and this has nothing to do with him. He wanted to make the situation off topic and dramatic, but I stopped him cold. The issue was my lack of patience due to pain, and that was the absolute only discussion I was having, and only now that I had gotten off my foot.

I feel like I cannot be respected. That I am constantly being misunderstood, and that my day to day struggles are somehow being made inferior to the emotional demands of my husband to meet his own needs. I am under too much stain to carry us both. Am I really being as cruel as he makes me out to be? Are my boundaries somehow inappropriate?

There is nothing in your story that would suggested it inappropriate or unfounded. However, it does sound like your husband needs to develop some coping skills with you. I would recommend contacting one of three places (or all three) to find some local counseling for both of you, or, if he is unwilling, for just you.

  1. Turn to your community hospital for outpatient therapy. They often have low or no cost therapy options for couples who are going through pregnancy. Your physician may also know of some referrals for you.
  2. Contact the women’s center in your county to see what they would recommend for counseling for you and/or counseling for you as a couple. Again, they often have low or no cost options available.
  3. Check the “find help” tab at the top of the page for counselors in your area who could help directly–or inform you of other resources.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Wife Doesn’t Know if She Wants to Be with Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young woman in the U.S.: Over the past 2 years my wife has left me about 6 times and came back each time. It’s always about the same thing and around the same time. She’s lost herself, she doesn’t know if she wants to be with me, she loves me ONLY when I’m with her. I’m at my wit’s end.

I told her I’d file for divorce and she tells me she doesn’t want a divorce. So I’m a little confused as to what to do or what is going on. She resents me for things that I have nothing to do with and things that I’ve done in the past, but each time she left me and came back we were not allowed to talk about it and just had to move past it. Which I told her was not a good idea and would lead to resentment. I have forgiven her each time. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Her mood and attitude and feelings change at the drop of a hat.

Two things occur to me: One is that she doesn’t want to divorce you, but maybe she wants you to divorce her! Is it possible that she can’t manage to leave but is (perhaps unconsciously) setting you up to do the leaving? She must know that the relationship can’t deepen and strengthen if she isn’t willing to talk about the issues that are troubling to her. It may also be that she would rather see herself as a “victim” (a person who has been left), rather than see herself as a “victimizer” (a person who leaves and hurts someone who loves them). She may not understand that she doesn’t need to take either role. Reasonable people can decide their relationship isn’t sustainable and can separate amicably.

The other possibility is that she has an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. The fact that her moods and feelings change so radically points to that possibility. If that’s the case, an assessment by a qualified mental health professional would help determine what is wrong and how best to address it.

Both possibilities require her cooperation to fix. The relationship as it is cannot last. If she can’t bring herself to leave by divorce (instead of periodically disappearing) it is important that she be honest about that so the two of you can separate without adding more pain. If she can’t be, then you are left to make the decision.

If there is a possibility of illness, she needs to be willing to get that assessment and to perhaps follow recommendations to make it possible for her to be in a loving relationship with someone who loves her.

In either case, your challenge is to ask yourself how much longer you are willing to be buffeted back and forth by her behavior. Unless she is willing to cooperate in changing the terms of your relationship, you are always going to be walking on eggshells so she won’t “leave” again. That’s got to be very hard on you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Mother Is Making Up Her Life Online

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am a 22 year old graduate student who lives at home with my younger brother, my 47 year old mother, and grandmother. I found out my mother has an online dating profile while going through the computers search history looking for a website I found a few days earlier which isn’t a problem, but it isn’t a “normal” dating website. It’s a Spanking Dating profile.

I was concerned over the type of site, so I read her messages (I do know that wasn’t the right thing to do). In the messages, the pathological liar side of her was out in full force. Her name was the same, but she said that she was recently divorced, except in real life, she became divorced 21 years ago. She said she had three kids, the oldest named James. In reality, she has two kids and no one named James. She pretends that she is full Irish who visits Ireland frequently. That was one persona.

Another was that she had 14 brothers and sisters, when she only has three. Again she had three children and the family was very sports oriented, which isn’t true either.

I am very concerned. She hasn’t met anyone yet, but she won’t tell me if she does, and that concerns me. She also told me about one of these guys as if he worked with her, but he lives several states away. I am concerned over her well being. What happens when these men want to meet her family?

I have read too many crime stories in my life, but there are certain factors I have to think about. My mother has an explosive personality type and she always starts fights with me over the smallest things. The fights always escalate, but if she ever got too heated, my grandmother steps up to the plate. She’s never escalated to violence.

I don’t know the right way to bring this up to her. What should I do? Is there an underlying mental illness?

What neither of us knows is whether your mom is just playing with these fantasies or if she intends to act on them. The best case scenario is that she is bored, has no intention of following through and is just playing games. The worst case scenario is that she is intending to meet up with people who will initially be charmed by her stories and then angered by being played.

I think you do need to have a straight talk with her about what you discovered and your concerns. Do not approach her with anger or judgment — just concern. Do not get drawn into a battle. She’s an adult. She has a right to live life as she sees fit as long as it doesn’t endanger her life or others. Ask for reassurance that she is going to keep herself and the family safe.

Meanwhile: Just because your mom invites you to a fight, doesn’t mean you have to go along. The fights only escalate because you decide to participate in them. You really don’t need to fight. Your brother doesn’t need to fight. Your grandmother should not have to step in to settle family arguments.

If your mother provokes, just calmly state that you aren’t going to fight and leave. Leave the room. Leave the house if you have to. But don’t fight back. You already know it doesn’t get you anywhere. It just stresses you out.

I hope you are looking into a way to finance your education that will let you leave home. Work. Apply for grants. Talk to the financial aid office at your school. If you really do need to live there, arrange your life to minimize contact with your mom. Study at school. Work out at the school gym. You and your mother have a better chance to be friendly if you aren’t in each other’s space. You can live more peacefully and you can give your brother an important lesson in how to manage the situation.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Mother Is Cheating on My Father

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: I;ve had a feeling for the past few months that something not right was going on with my mother, she was texting someone a lot, calling someone a lot, and leaving the house more often. But at around 11 o’clock last night i was talking to my mom in her room and i while we were talking she got a text from a guy from a home repair service we use,

anyway i saw the text he sent to her and it went something like “goodnight, talk to you tomorrow baby” and it had a kissy face emoji at the end of it and she just texted back “goodnight” with no hesitation at all. that right there kind of confirmed my suspicion. but after i saw that i kind of got quiet in the conversation and she was asking me what was wrong but i didn’t tell her.

a few hours went by and my thoughts got more and more intense until the point where i had to confront her about it (she was asleep at this point) i went and i woke her up; telling her i needed to talk to her about something. i asked her if she was cheating on my father and she said why would you ask that, so i told her about the text (of course she denied it for a couple minutes) but after that she told the truth.

she told me she was lonely and that my dad works a lot, i told her there was no excuse for what she did and that my father doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. after a couple minutes into the conversation she told me the only reason they were still together was because of the relationship between me and him. Keep in mind that my father has no idea about any of her feeling towards their marriage and he still loves my mother and has never and would never do anything like this to her.

after being completely emotionally destroyed i told her that she needs to end that relationship or i would tell my father, and after that i told her that she needs to leave me alone. i have no idea what to do or what to think or what to feel in this situation. i don’t think that it would be an exaggeration to say my world has been completely turned upside down.

This is devastating for any kid. You did the right thing to talk to your mother. She does need to talk to your father. A marriage is rarely improved when one of the partners has an affair. A marriage is often improved with counseling.

At this point, all you can do is insist that your mom tell your dad. You should not have to hold a secret that is this painful to you. Tell your mom that it is just too hard for you to keep her secret when you know she is hurting the father you love. Go back to your original statement — that she needs to tell him or you will talk to him about your suspicions. If she suggests you will be to blame for ending the marriage, please don’t accept that idea. She is the one who is violating her marriage vows, not you.

Then get out of it. The state of their marriage is up to them. Whatever happens between them, they can each still have a loving and honest relationship with you. Focus on your relationship with each of them and leave them to figure out what to do about their marriage.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Trouble with Parents

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

To begin, I live with my mother and two brothers. My mother has been going threw a divorce from my step father for 2 years (who I’ve lived with since I was about 6 months old and is the father of the two brothers I currently live with). My biological father lives in Israel and has never really been involved in my life, just weekly phone calls.
Anyhow, we just moved out of our house and into a new one and I have been constantly fighting with my mother. I feel like she actually hates me, and over the past couple of months our relationship has been crumbling. I try to work as much as I can (babysitting, piano lessons, etc) while going to school, and I pay for/ do everything on my own. Gas, laundry, insurance, etc.

And my mom says all of these hurtful comments to me and I honestly don’t understand why and I guess the reason Im on this forum is to see is maybe you have a clue? She tells me Im a selfish, spoiled, ungrateful, inconsiderate.. but I really don’t see how?! She tells me I have no idea what she is going threw, no idea what kind of stress she is under, but not once has she asked me how Im handling this divorce? How is school? Hows my LIFE..

For instance.. my car completely broke and its 800$ to repair and I don’t have that kind of money and she tells me she wont help me because of the way I treat her, and thats not her priority. I’m not even expecting her to pay, but the fact that she shows no sympathy for how Im going to commute to school or work is upsetting.

She does anything for my brothers, but wont do anything for me.. she’s never really shown me affection, I cant remember the last time she said “I love you” or even given me a hug without me having to mention her lack of affection first. I’m not sure what to do anymore because it’s starting to really wear me down.

Another issue I have is with my step father.. he’s under the impression he’s always been here all my life. But in actuality he hasn’t, he has never supported me finically, and only until recently- maybe even the divorce- has he started to become in tune with my life emotionally. Anyhow, I was telling him about my issues with my mother and he offers to sell me his car.. which is JUNK for 1300 (WAAAAY OVER PRICED) .. and then he tells me I can rent out the room in his house for 300 a month.. should I be appalled? He claims to be my father and he’s asking me for money to live with him? Idk Im utterly disturbed and I feel like I no longer have anyone to rely on.. not even my parents/mother
Im not even sure what my question is.

What a mess! Sometimes life is indeed very, very unfair. It sounds to me like you’re doing everything that can be expected of you and more. Your mother may be projecting her feelings about herself onto you. Money seems tight all around so both parents cast about for ways to keep or get what money they can, forgetting that you are still their child, not an adult who should take total care of herself financially. But having some guesses about the reasons for their behavior isn’t going to make you feel any better.

I don’t think you are going to talk sense into either of these people. They are going to have to come to terms with themselves in their own time. What you can do is focus on making a life for yourself. At 18, you are almost at a point where you can be independent. If you want to go to college, study hard so you will qualify for some scholarship aid. If you aren’t interested in more schooling, start thinking about how you can make enough money to get a place with a friend or two.

Most important, look for other adults who can mentor and support you. Not all of us get the family we deserve. Sometimes we have to make a new “chosen family” to get the emotional base and practical support we need. Perhaps one of your friends has a family that is happy to fold you in. Or maybe you have an adult friend through school or work or an activity you belong to. Nurture those relationships. They can enrich your life.

Hopefully, your folks will eventually come to their senses and be more parental. But if they can’t or won’t, you’ll feel better if you have developed a circle of caring people you care about.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Emotional Abuse from Her Therapist?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Several weeks ago my wife of two years asked me for a divorce. I was shocked — I’d thought things had been going well. Not two weeks before she had gushed to me about how excited she was to have a future with children and a home with me. When I asked her why, she could not give me more information than “I just feel like it’s the right thing to do” no matter how I asked, and refused to go to marriage counseling with me and her therapist. She credits her therapist with convincing her to leave me, although as stated will not explain why.

She now refuses to see me, even though she insists I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s been tough, but I’ve learned to deal with it. She’s moved out now.

However, just tonight her mother (we’re still close, and she and my wife have a very close and loving relationship) told me that my wife had also come to her and asked her not to visit her in her new apartment, because in direct defiance of their previously very close and loving relationship she says that she thinks her mother is bad for her. Again, she will not explain beyond that or give examples as to why she feels that way.

Now I’m worried. She says she’s had these feelings ever since a few months ago when she began seeing the above-mentioned therapist for her drug problems.

I’ve read about amoral therapists sometimes trying to drive patients from their personal relationships to make them more dependent on the therapy. The fact that as a drug addict she is being encouraged to dismantle her support network that has saved her in the past from her addictions, the fact she cannot seem to give more coherent reasoning behind why she is doing what she is doing, the fact that she will not divulge what has been going on in her therapy, the fact that she grows very defensive when questioned about her therapist, and the fact that she has moved to the next city over from where her therapist lives (after stating in the past that she never wanted to move there because it was far from work) have all led me to the possibility that she is experiencing emotional abuse and manipulation from her therapist.

Am I wrong to suspect that this might be the case, and if I am not, what actions can I take to have this matter investigated?

Thank you for trusting us with your powerful question. While I certainly can understand your concerns, there isn’t enough information to know whether or not the therapist is acting irresponsibly or merely as a catalyst for this change.

The fact that she has made these decisions, moved out, and has asked her mom to keep her distance sounds like she is committed to this change.

As difficult as it might be for you to except this I think the most important focus is for you to take very good care of yourself and your children. Whatever the reason your wife has left — the bottom line is that she is gone. I would accept this reality.

At the same time I would also highly recommend getting support for yourself. You may want to try a Nar-anon or Al-Anon meeting in your area. It is coping with those who struggle with drug and alcohol addictions that causes a great deal of grief for their family and friends. I think you will find these 12-step meetings helpful for support.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Divorced Mother Hates My Boyfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello. My concern is basically that my mother who has been divorced for 10 years (maybe longer) says that she hates my boyfriend for these reasons:

1. He reminds her of my father.
2. “There is just something about him I don’t like and I don’t trust him,” she said.
3. She doesn’t like his eyes.
4. Because he is Mexican.
5. He is a contract worker. Your father was a contract worker too and he always lost his job. He doesn’t have a real job. (she says)

My boyfriend is very well educated and is a computer engineer. Yes, contract. But he makes a lot of money and has been taking care of me. My mother is Japanese and she lives in Japan. She met my boyfriend when she came to visit America. I didn’t tell her about him much but I wanted her to meet him so I arranged a dinner at my house. I even kept it casual by inviting my mom’s best friend and her kids (who are adults) too. Before she even met him, she drew conclusions about him and said ugly things like “I don’t like Mexican families.” This is really odd. Because my mom is not usually this judgmental when it comes to race. But I guess she’s an inner racist? Anyway, during the dinner she barely spoke to him. And our dinner was at most 2 hours long. The sad thing is that he knows she doesn’t like him, although I’ve been telling him that she does not and it will be fine.

Now, a year later we are still together and my mom still hates him. Recently he said that for my Christmas present he wants to pay for my plane ticket to go to Japan for New Years (a very important family holiday). He knows how much my family and I miss each other and he wants to do this for me. He is expecting that my family will be kind and welcome him to the family and let us stay at my family’s home. I believe that the rest of my family will really like him. But, I am scared to tell my mom that we are going to Japan. And I am also scared to tell my boyfriend IF my mom refuses to let him stay with us and join in the family festivities.

The story of mothers and fathers not liking the choice their child has made for his or her lover is as long as recorded history. From Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet to many current-day movies, the story of prejudice and racial bias in imbedded in the evolution of relationship.

Since you list your age as 24, I’d say it is time for you to be direct with your mother, Let her know that her protests are not going to change how you feel — and that they have more to do with her past than your future. I’d be very clear with her that if she can’t welcome you both, that you aren’t interested in a trip marred by her poor attitude. If your mom can’t accept your decisions, let her know you will wait until she can.

The process of individuation is difficult, but you cannot live your life trying to please your mother. If you do you are likely to hold a resentment that will affect your relationship with her anyway.

I’d also talk to other family members about your concerns to get their input. Right now you and your boyfriend are the target, but they may have an interest in helping you because it may be helping them downstream.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Is a Divorce on the Way?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When already in the ‘possible divorce’ zone does a husband forgetting your anniversary mean he might not love you? Me and my husband have had a rocky relationship but lately it has escalated to the point of talking about separating or divorce. 7 months after the wedding I found out he was having an affair with an ex. When confronted he blamed me and treated me very harshly. We ended up staying together but he would never speak of his infedelity really which has caused 8 years of questions, fears, and continuous pain for me. About a month ago I reached a point where I no longer cared about his reaction, I just needed answers! He admitted to a few things, one of which was having an affair with the same woman a year before we got married when we were having problems. I had accused him of this for 9 years but he denied it vehemently and made me feel horrible for even thinking it. Lying for 9 years using the same face, tone of voice, and sincerity that he uses when he says he loves me has left me with a lot of confusion and fear. On top of that our sex life has never recovered and not for lack of trying on my part.

I am trying to salvage what’s left of the relationship but I appear to be doing it on my own. After several attempts in the past month to tell him I don’t believe he is IN love with me anymore and that he needs to go out of his way to tell me and show me, I received nothing for valentines day but a dozen roses he picked up WHILE he was at the store the Saturday AFTER. He received many thoughtful gifts from me. That Sunday I told him how much it hurt and reinforced him going out of his way to show his love for me. And he does keep saying that he loves me, hes not going anywhere, he’ll do anything for me. But it seems like a lot of words with no action.

Sunday is our 11 year anniversary and I’m terrified he won’t remember or do anything special. I NEED him to remember. The first 2 years we were together he was head over heals for me and always remembered without prompting and did special things for me. Now i know that will fade with time which is why the past few years I’ve usually reminded him and told him what to get me for all occasions as I’ve never measured his love for me in remembering dates. But I feel like with all that we’ve been going through, fighting or talking about our problems and my pain and trust issues every couple days for a month now that he should be thinking of those things if he truly is in love with me

I understand you can’t tell me if my husband is still in love with me but the way I feel right now, we are going to separate if he doesn’t remember and I’m not sure if that’s crazy or reasonable. So my question is, am I being too harsh? Does it mean anything at all if he forgets?

On a side note the reason I’m so worried he will forget is he hasn’t mentioned its coming and he ALWAYS has (when he remembers) when march comes around.

It sounds to me like you aren’t really sure what you want. You say that you’re already in the divorce zone. This man has lied to you, cheated on you, and isn’t interested in being intimate with you. He has only honored the usual occasions for showing love and caring when you have prompted and begged. And yet you say you NEED him to remember an anniversary of a marriage that has never been particularly good and that doesn’t look promising for the future. Is it possible that you are so scared to finally cut the cord that you are grasping at straws? Will it really be enough for you to stay married if he comes up with gifts and flowers now and then but you can’t trust him?

I suggest you stop asking yourself if he loves you and instead ask yourself if his kind of love is the kind of love you want to accept for the rest of your life. I hope you love yourself enough to believe you deserve better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Feel People Are Jealous of Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From France: I’m dating a guy with 3 kids. As soon as I started dating him he presented his kids and I thought it was nice. Very soon I FELT THE KIDS DID NOT WANT ME THERE. They took [some] of my stuff and damaged it in a duration of the first three weeks. As I did not find them friendly, I passed my time in the room a lot and I stayed close to my boyfriend and so the kids felt that I do not want them in the couple.

Next his friends & family said he and I are too close and that bothered him. And that made me feel they are jealous of us and today I don’t like them much.

My parter is frustrated that I have these issues with his friends, but I’m hurt that they say things about me. He feels I just have to ignore and not take things personally. I feel my partner does not want to confront friends and family and I’m the opposite.

My main issue is me and my boyfriend love each other, but today I feel he does not care about me and does not mind if I stay or leave. I don’t feel he loves me like before and that hurts me.

We get on well but I have the tendency to get annoyed for nothing and I know it but cant stop it. I can get annoyed for no reason and then build it into a whirl wind and then hate my partner call him names, say I don’t love him, say I want to break up. I can’t stop this bad habit in me and I was not like this before. I truly love him & I want us to have a nice life.

I feel sad often, feel he does not love me like before, I hate that kids’ mum talks about me, his kids being mean and my partner tells me all that is in my head and I’m looking negative at things and I should understand his kids are putting up with a divorce and they are kids. My partner said if I don’t manage my anger we need to split up.

Why am I reacting like this? Is there something wrong in me? Am i not seeing things straight? Please help me.

You probably are not seeing things straight. As you yourself said, you get annoyed for nothing at times. You also then verbally abuse your partner. It may be that his friends and family see that and feel protective of him.

Further, your partner is correct about his children. They are children and much less likely to hide their feelings than adults. He introduced you to them way too early. They are reacting only like children of divorce often do. Most kids want their parents to get back together. When a parent brings a new partner into the situation, they understand that reuniting the original family is less and less likely. Of course they react.

It’s too easy to write off others’ opinions as “jealousy.” That makes the situation totally their problem. It’s not. You have some serious anger issues that may be grounded in insecurities and anxiety. No one can fix that except you.

If you want to save this relationship, I suggest you get into some therapy right away. At 33 years old, it’s past time for you to develop a more complicated and compassionate view of other people — especially children. Whether or not you are able to learn quickly enough to keep this relationship, it’s important to do it so you can be part of any healthy relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Having Trouble Dealing with My Boyfriend’s Daughter

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

 

From a woman in the U.S.: My boyfriend has a 13 yr who is very clingy to him. She’s had instances where she would call her mother while she is at our house and cry when she doesn’t get her way. This of course would spark and argument with between her and my boyfriend. Of course when we first started dating she felt like he was spending too much time with me and my kids. So I felt the need to step back and let him handle that supposedly gain control of the situation. It seems to be there is an issue that arises every couple months where she gets upset with him about something that involves me and my kids. I can”t stand when she comes around and I can tell he knows how I feel. I’m on the verge of calling it quits. I don’t know what else to do.

What you are reporting isn’t unusual. Dating someone with children from a prior relationship is almost always very difficult, especially if they are teens. The daughter is not going to go away. She undoubtedly senses that you don’t want her around. This probably escalates her insecurities and sets off the behaviors you find so difficult.

If you don’t find a way to be comfortable with her, your relationship with her dad won’t survive. Why? Because your boyfriend can’t be put in the position of feeling like he has to choose between his child and you. The loyalty to the child usually wins. In fact, it should.

The girl is just entering her teens. This is a life stage when life becomes complicated. Remember being a teen? It’s normal for a teen to both want to be close to her parents and to want to distance from them. For young teens who are dealing with emerging sexuality, it’s not at all unusual for them to cling to the parent of the other sex for awhile. It’s a way to “try on” being in a relationship that is (hopefully) sexually safe. If that’s part of what is happening, the girl may see you as “competition” for closeness with her dad.

In addition, If she had hopes that her dad and mom would get together again (and most kids wish for that, even when the parents were always fighting or worse), your presence signals that it isn’t going to happen. Furthermore, many kids get clingy when they are worried that their parent will “divorce” them too.

To answer your question: What you do is learn more about how to manage the challenges of blending a family, especially when one of the people is a teenage girl. The girl is not the problem. Your information gap is. My guess is that lacking information causes your anxiety. The anxiety makes it difficult for you to be compassionate and probably makes you want her to go away.

I strongly suggest that you and your boyfriend go for a few sessions with a licensed family therapist (LMFT) to learn more about your situation and to learn ways to handle the girl with sensitivity and understanding. You do need to go together. Blending a family is a problem for both adults — even if one doesn’t feel he/she has a problem. Hopefully, you and her dad can learn ways to be supportive of all the children (yours as well as his) so that together you can build a solid blended family.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Get a Divorce?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My bf and I reconnected online after 20 years. Within a year, I was divorced and he had moved 1000 miles to be with me. We moved in together right away and my 3 kids live with us part-time. My bf changed his whole life to be with me, left his marriage and job, all his friends, and moved here and started a new career.
The problem is it has now been over 3 years and he has not gotten divorced. He avoided his wife for over a year when she tried to start the divorce process and then she got cancer and stopped pursuing him for a divorce. He doesn’t have contact with her but he gets updates on her health from his mother, who still keeps in touch with her.
We have lived together for over 2.5 years now and have gone many places and always take photos wherever we go. His public-facing social media profiles are pictures from when he was with his wife. And he has changed the pictures since he moved in with me, but still changed them to old pictures from his life with her. He has one small item of hers that holds a lot of sentimental value that she has asked him to return to her by mail and he told her he would but still hasn’t done so. He sees the item all the time and knows she wants it back but still doesn’t mail it to her.
It feels like he’s fighting as hard as he can to avoid letting go completely. Why would someone change their entire life but still cling to the old?

My guess is that your boyfriend is caught in a dilemma. He wants to be with you. But he feels guilty about leaving a wife who has cancer. He may also not want to “look bad”, thinking that people will judge him for leaving a wife who is seriously ill. The way he resolves his dilemma is to try to have it both ways — He has a full and private life with you but presents a picture of a loving husband to his wife to the world. I suspect he hangs on to the item from his marriage to remind himself that he is still “married”, even while he has changed his entire life to be with you.

Arguing with him about “letting go” isn’t going to be helpful. He needs to find a way to both separate from his sick wife and feel like a decent guy. If he can’t figure it out on his own, I do suggest that a therapist can provide both practical suggestions and support.

Meanwhile, I suggest you be patient. Your bf isn’t acting “against” you. He has already proven how much he loves and values having you in his life.  No. He is trying to navigate a very difficult internal dilemma. Try to find a way to give him some support.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Our Children Tell Me Their Mother Doesn’t Want to Speak to Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From France: My Ex and I were getting on well, now suddenly she has told our children that she doesn’t want to see or speak to me. Three weeks ago my ex and I were meeting regularly at her apt to help with the children, we were friendly to each other and were getting on well, to the point that my children asked if we were getting back together, even though she has recently moved on.

Although she would tell me that it was over, her body language would contradict this and she has told me that she feels sad when I leave her apt to go home and that I should be there. When we talked about our past relationship, she would get upset and cry and feel physical pain when talking about her deep feelings but she tells that she loves me but has pushed her feelings deep down inside her.

I went away for a few days, the children informed her of this and she called me quite upset to ask why I hadn’t told her and why I was being so secretive? She then sent me a text to tell me that our plans for Christmas were cancelled and that I could have the children on Christmas day.

When I got back from my trip, my children told me that my Ex does not want to see me or speak to me and that I wasn’t allowed near their apt.

Christmas day arrived and I took the children for dinner. They told me that my Ex was making a christmas dinner for herself. It seems strange that my Ex is telling me that its over and therefore indifferent, but didn’t want to spend Christmas dinner with her children.

My gut feeling is that she’s suffering from concealed depression as she thinks that her opinion is the only one that matters and becomes very irate very quickly and rants at the children. she has also told me that when she’s alone, she feels empty and unhappy. She also overworks herself and my guess is because she is trying not to think about things.

It just seems strange to me that she is becoming emotional and is putting effort into avoiding me, if she was over me then she would feel indifferent and wouldn’t care.

We now don’t speak or see each other and the children have said numerous times that she wants nothing to do with me.

I’m confused as there still seems to be emotions involved.

Can you please explain why?

I wish I could explain your ex’s behavior for you. I can’t. I can only guess that she hasn’t “moved on” as much as she would like to think she has.

You are confused because she is acting in a confusing way. It might be more helpful for you personally to let her know you are concerned about her and wish things were different and leave it at that. Then take a step back and let her take the lead for now about when and how often you see each other.

Meanwhile — What concerns me the most is that the children are being asked to carry messages. This puts them in an awkward and painful position. They are loyal to you both. They had hopes you would get back together. It’s unfair of their mom to put them in the middle this way and could it may cause them great distress. For that reason, I do suggest that you contact your ex in some way to just remind her that your relationship with your kids is separate from your relationship with her and to please talk, text or email you directly instead of talking to the kids about her feelings about you.

I realize I’m getting this letter weeks after Christmas. I hope things have settled down some by now.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Have Frequent Violent & Sadistic Thoughts Toward Living Things

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

When I look at weaker, living things, I like to imagine how it’d feel to crush it in my hands, or how pleasurable it’d feel if I wrapped my hands around their necks. I desire to see their fear and pain; their eyes widening in terror, just to earn the euphoric feelings that come afterwards. I don’t like horror movies, but I find fictional gore/murderous/twisted/demented drawings and stories very appealing. I have had backgrounds of being emotionally harmed for 8 years in elementary. My negative parental influence includes the same, plus their in-accountability to be together, however, I perceive myself to be a rational person. They do love me and have gotten better over the years, but not with each other. I used to abuse the animals around me when I was around the ages of 8-13, pulling their fur/feathers off, tying them up, forcing them into small spaces, ect. Going into religion soothed me, but, around my third year of high school, I stopped trying to associate with my peers. In my mind, they are no different from all of my elementary classmates, and I’ve given up on them. A “friend” means someone who’s willing to sacrifice something for me, and me in turn; the rest that I associate can only be characterized by me as, ‘tolerable’ or ‘interesting’. I no longer trust anyone, and can’t seem to touch anyone without wanting to push them off or feel disgusted. I only love my family. I’m mostly silent and prefer not to look at anyone’s eyes unless they’re talking to me. They seem insignificant. I detest crowds and a few triggers are small things, like the sound of people’s breathing. I hate being looked at and have a severe inferiority complex. I try to seem shy and act helpful/polite, but it’s forced. My issues with this mindset is that it scares my parents as well as part of myself, but, a larger part of me enjoys it. Most of my art has become grotesque over the years. How do I stop myself from holding this ball of raging hatred/pain without directing it at those around me? Am I in risk of turning into a criminal, or is this some kind of mild disorder?

It’s not clear why you engage in this type of thinking and behavior. At the root of the issue might be your inferiority complex. People who feel inferior to others see themselves as incompetent, unworthy and weak. They lack a sense of power and control. You may be compensating for those unpleasant feelings by targeting animals in an attempt to gain a feeling of power and control. There may be other motivations as well.

You asked whether you are at risk of becoming a criminal. Hurting animals is a criminal act. In fact, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has recently classified animal cruelty as a felony offense, and considers it a “crime against humanity.”

Studies have also shown that cruelty to animals can lead to cruelty to human victims. A person might begin or practice with animals and then progress to people.

It’s good that you are aware of your problem and concerned enough to write. The fact that you have shared this information with your parents is also a positive sign. It shows that you had the insight to recognize that a problem exists and you want help. Your openness to treatment and motivation, significantly increases your chances of successfully correcting this problem.

Therapy is the ideal place to learn how to manage your strong emotions. Your therapist will teach you how to regulate your emotions and behavior. Counseling can be quite powerful especially if you are open to the process. I would recommend that you go to your parents and ask for their assistance in finding a therapist. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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What Do I Do When My Boyfriend’s Son Competes with Me for His Attention?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend has 2 children, daughter is 8 and son is 12. Daughter is independent and comfortably attached to her father. The son however, is extremely needy! Daughter adores me and son likes me and we all have fun but he does NOT like seeing me with his father. Every time my boyfriend and I talk his son will interrupt the conversation with ANYHING rediculous, with any random question, saying its important. He needs it answered now! or will do anything to interrupt!

he will follow me if I go anywhere near my boyfriend. If my boyfriend and I go out of his son’s view he will come knocking, even if we close the door! I can count the seconds! He even follows his father to the bathroom! He still wants to sleep next to his dad, even when I am in the bed, when I sit next to my boyfriend he has to sit in between, when I hold his hand, his son wants to hold his hand. His son makes comments that he knows will hurt my feelings. Such as “I know we are going away for a few days, Ill let you his hand since you wont see him” knowing I am sad about it.

I don’t know what to do, I am so respectful, supportive, giving and everything in between for these kids but the son just won’t except it. The son is not close to his mother and wishes to be around his father 24/. before I came around, these children were spoiled and his father is now cracking the whip on boundaries but it doesn’t seem to be working. His son still will not budge on understanding boundaries.

I cannot stand it at this point! Something has got to give! I keep my mouth shut to his son but express misy feelings to my boyfriend, in which he understands me and is supportive about the situation. We need help in doing this suttle but with authority since his son is not getting the hint. I am exhausted and emotional about this. His son is causing my boyfriend and I to have discussions we do not need to have. My boyfriend and I do NOT argue, this is the only problem we have.

How can we get the child to get off his fathers nipple (so to speak!) Thank you in advance!

I’m sure this is very frustrating to you all. Thank you for writing.

Here are some thoughts that occurred to me as I read your letter: I don’t think the boy is “competing” with you. I think he is dealing with a number of developmental issues. He may not understand his parents’ divorce and may be afraid that his father will “divorce” him, just as he did the boy’s mother. He may think the change in his father’s behavior toward him (not spoiling him) is a sign that his father doesn’t love him any more. It may be that since there is tension between the boy and his mother, he clings to his father so, in his mind, his father can’t leave him too.

In addition, the boy is at an age when a kid becomes aware of sex and the reality that the adults in the house are being sexually intimate. The idea may be making him anxious. His solution is to do all he can to prevent you and his dad from being alone together.

Please don’t think about this as rational. It is quite unconscious. My take on the boy is that he is highly anxious about the changes in his family and his behaviors are a crude and unconscious way to try to get things back to his “normal”.

That’s my best guess about what may be going on. But an analysis doesn’t help you know what to do. Ideally, you and your boyfriend will seek out a family therapist who can delve further into what’s happening and who can give you practical suggestions about how to manage the situation.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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Conflicted Feelings Towards My Husband

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: To give a little background, My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have three young children…ages 3,8,11. Until recently I have been a stay at home mom for the entire marriage. In my perspective, We have had a contentious marriage. We fought a lot, He worked a lot, He was VERY critical of me and how I was handling the home and kids, I disappointed him a lot, etc. But we have had some good moments too. In his perspective, We have had really good marriage with a few bumps in the road. This last year I have been at the end of my rope. I no longer feel loving feelings towards my husband. We started counseling 6 months ago. When we started I resented him and had angry feelings towards him. I don’t have those anymore. He has made A LOT of really good changes. However, I do not feel the way a wife should about their husband. I still feel unhappy even though he has made these changes. I have toyed with the idea of divorce (even made a budget and looked for a general idea of what renting a house would cost), but this is where my conflict is. Should I divorce in hopes of feeling relief and new love? Should I stay where I am because things are horrible and breaking up the family would be worse? I am terrified of making the wrong decision. I know it’s a huge one. But 6 months of counseling has not changed how I feel. What do I do?

Since the two of you are already in therapy and it has been effective, the thing to do is to talk honestly about how you are feeling in session. Your therapist has probably come to understand each of you and will have much more to offer you than I can on the basis of a 250-word letter. I don’t know if you’ve given it an honest try and your husband really isn’t doing enough or if your expectations are unrealistic. Or the problem may be something else entirely.

What I do know for sure is this: Your difficulties with your husband won’t end with a divorce. You have three young children. That means the two of you will be in each other’s lives for at least another 20 years. Yes, people can and do move on. But it takes a great deal of effort to recover from the separation and find someone new while still making divorced parenting work. Ultimately, only you can decide if the effort to transform the marriage is easier or harder than the effort to be co-parents living in separate places.

Please do let your therapist know about your struggle to stay in the marriage. Whether you decide to stay together or decide to part, your therapy can be an important factor for making either choice in a way that is healthy for everyone involved.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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