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How Do I Deal with My Boyfriend’s Jealous Daughter?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: My boyfriend’s daughter is now 11 yrs old. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 yrs now. His daughter is extremely manipulative and jealous. Every time I’m around she has to be basically right on him just so I won’t. She talks baby talk and lays all on him just to get her way and he gives in every time.

At first I thought it was just me until his mother said something to me and so has my grandparents and my mother in their observations. I thought by now she’d be better but it’s only gotten worse. She copies everything I do as far as girlfriend things such as feeding him a bite of food off my fork at dinner, if I do it she immediately tries to do and he rejects it.

Because I sternly corrected her the other day she told my boyfriend that she’s bored and wants to leave immediately from our week vacation. What bothers me is that he’s said he’d like me to give him feedback but every time I do he’s quick to be defensive and he immediately shuts me down. All I want is to help him see what she’s doing and help make boundaries.

He complains about her bratty behavior one minute and the next he’s coddling her and giving into. He’s so blinded to her manipulation of him. I’m extremely frustrated because I feel like I can’t speak freely to him and resolve this situation.

I feel it’s his duty as her father to have a conversation with her about roles. My role as his girlfriend and her role as his daughter. I’d also like for him to be consistent in his behavior with her and take the time to open his eyes to see her true intentions. That would create so much peace. But he’s not open to listen and learn in this particular situation even though he said he was. She’s so good at being on her best behavior in front of him but when he’s not around her behavior turns 360 not only with me but with his mom as well. I’m so frustrated and scared. Please help.

This situation, though painful, is not uncommon when parents divorce. Parenting is always challenging. (It’s just true that babies don’t come with instruction manuals.) It’s made all the more challenging when parents don’t live together and especially if and when the couple hasn’t figured out how to co-parent while living apart.

Here’s my first pass at a different understanding of your situation (granting that I have limited information). I don’t think you are wrong about your observations. I do think you may be mistaken in your interpretations. I’m not at all sure that the girl is “manipulative” or jealous. From my point of view, the kid is scared. She already “lost” her dad’s time and attention due to the separation from her mother. She may unconsciously fear that he will leave her again. She may believe that there isn’t room in her dad’s life for the two of you so, of course, she is trying to push you out.

Her dad is inadvertently supporting her anxiety by giving in to her. My guess is that he is feeling guilty for the divorce or due to the fact that he isn’t a full time dad to her. He is compensating by giving in to her demands and making her the center of his universe when she’s around. In his attempts to reassure her, he is creating and maintaining the behavioral problems. But he doesn’t know what else to do to show her he loves her and won’t abandon her.

An unhealthy cycle has gotten going: The girl is scared and insecure about his love. He feels guilty. She feels she can’t get enough of him so demands first place in his attention. He overcompensates by giving in. She gets reinforced for the demands. He feels like, at the very least, he can please her when she’s with him. And so it goes. You don’t have a place in the cycle. If you try to intrude, they both push you out.

You are right that this isn’t healthy for anyone and it isn’t good for your relationship. But you won’t get anywhere by trying to “correct” your boyfriend’s behavior. What needs “correcting” is his guilt and his mistaken idea about how best to love his daughter. You probably can’t do that.

I hope your boyfriend will be open to the two of you seeing a family counselor for a few sessions to work on this. It’s important that the situation be corrected now – before the teen years when things are likely to become even more complicated.

Your boyfriend needs some practical help and support while he shifts his behavior with his daughter. You need to learn how not to take the situation so personally and how to be appropriately supportive of both father and girl. The daughter does need to understand that her role with her father is different than yours. I am also concerned that she be helped to understand that love from a man isn’t measured by how much he gives in to her demands.

Do inquire about the counselor’s training and experience.  Although some certainly do, not all psychologists and counselors have the training and expertise to deal with the complicated family dynamics of divorce and adolescents. I suggest you look for a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is It Wrong to Be Attracted to My Daughter’s Boyfriend’s Single Dad?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: My 27 year old daughter and her 34 year old boyfriend have been together for almost 7 years.  Recently his father came for a visit and he was instantly attracted to me and we did hit it off even though I kind of felt that it was wrong.

I am usually the pursuer; but this time I was blindsided; he is everything that I have been looking for in a man.  I have been married twice before and I have had several failed relationships in the past; it is so refreshing to have someone that truly cares for me.

It’s just such an odd situation; I’m friends with his ex, which is my daughter’s boyfriend’s mom.  But that’s only because we share a grandson together.

My other daughter, who is 23, says as long as I am happy, but it is a little strange.  I don’t want to step on any toes; the boyfriend’s dad and mom haven’t been together in over 30 years.  But I’m ready to be happy; I lost my mom almost 7 years ago and I have just been so lonely.  I have been praying for someone to come into my life; I just didn’t think it would be so close to home.

You are right to be cautious. I appreciate how you are trying to deal with this situation sensitively. On the face of it, though unusual, this situation makes a kind of sense. Your daughter is with a man who was raised by this man. It makes sense to me that you and your daughter are attracted to similar qualities that the two men possess. Since the man and his ex have not been together for 30 years, it’s likely he has resolved his own divorce and is ready for a relationship.

However, there are two red flags in your letter. One is your history of failed relationships. Unless you have done some meaningful therapeutic work, you may be overlooking some red flags of your own. Further, you reported that you have been lonely since the loss of your mother 7 years ago. That suggests that your grief is unresolved. Your judgment may be clouded because you are aching for someone to fill that emotional hole in your life. However wonderful he is, he won’t fill the hole left by your mother.

For those reasons, if you want this relationship to have a chance, I do think a few sessions with a therapist is in order. You need to resolve your grief around the loss of your mom. And you need to be sure you aren’t finding another repeat of your mistaken choices of men.

If you do that and you and the therapist agree that you are truly available for love by a different kind of guy, by all means explore what could be a promising match.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Husband Is Addicted to Pills

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband and I have been together since we were very young. Me 16, him 19. We are now 27 and 30 and have a 3yr old and 9month old. When we were younger, we pretty much did every drug imaginable together. I “grew up” and got over all that and he still has an addiction to pills, which didn’t start until about 4 years ago. He likes pain pills and xanex. But really he’ll snort whatever pill he can get his hands on. We have been going back and forth with this for 4 long years now. I’m at my witts end. It’s becoming clear to me by the things he says, “I can’t believe you won’t even let me do a xanex” that this is never going to change. He’s yet to seek professional help of any kind but has successfully quit the addiction to pain meds several times of the course of this 4 year period which I know for sure because I make him take drug tests. After about 4 months of being clean recently, he has come home high the last 3 days in a row. He’s a super great father to our children (and honestly he’s “better” when he’s high because the pills give him energy) and he supports us wholey on his own. He’s what you’d call a functioning addict. He is going to start seeing a drug counselor this week so we’ll see where this goes but I just don’t know what to do. I know with an addict, it’s a life long issue…no matter how long they’ve been clean. I used to always yell and scream at him and threaten to leave but I had a revelation in the recent months that I need to be supportive of him and try to help him instead of making myself so closed off. However, this isn’t helping either. It’s still the same stuff. What should I do. I’m considering divorce but I don’t just want to give up on him. I know his addiction is doing this and he trys so hard, but always falls back into it.

Neither one of you can go this alone. Sadly, the addiction is part of the fabric of your relationship. You both need counseling and support if things are going to change. I’m concerned that he is “better” when high. It’s possible that part of what drives the addiction is an undiagnosed or undertreated depression. If that’s the case, it’s important for him to deal directly with the depression as part of his treatment.

I also encourage the two of you to find an addictions counselor who is trained in couples therapy as well. (Not all addictions counselors are.) With 10 years and two children between you, I do think it’s worth taking a few months to see if you can work out a way to keep the family together while your husband explores why his habit is so important to him that he would risk losing his family rather than get into recovery.

You might personally find it helpful to talk to the folks at ProjectKnow.com This is a program that supports families of addicts. They run a 24/7 hotline at 866-531-8636.

Thank you for writing. Having gotten past the anger, you are in a good position to try becoming part of the treatment team.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Depressed?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I think I may be getting depressed. Since my divorce five years ago I have been single with only a couple of casual encounters. My ex was alcoholic and mentally very abusive (not physical) also my childhood was quite abusive with a violent father and a mother (both of whom have died) who was depressed (due to the violence.) Also I have a physical condition called brittle bones, which resulted in me having many broken bones as a child and missing years of schooling. After university and having largely overcome my physical condition I went overseas traveling (in part to test myself and in part to get away from family.) I ended up in the US and married the first person that seemed to care and love me. When I did finally leave my husband after trying to make the relationship work longer than I should I was at breaking point mentally – life held no joy, I was in a low paid menial job and felt that I lacked ability to find something better, that I had no friends and that I was utterly unlovable (my mother told me as a child that she feared no one would love me.) I decided to take a year out and look after myself I went into counseling which was a rewarding and healing experience if very confronting and at time harrowing. I realized that I did have friends who cared for me and as the healing process continued I made many more and feel truly blessed to have these people in my life. My job situation did not improve and after being turned down for another promotion I decided to take time out have a think and see a bit of the world, I spent some months traveling which was mostly wonderful. I returned to the US for the best part of a year and found work with a large company who valued me. I came to realize that as much as I loved my friends in the US I did not have a family and no relationship (and no real hope of one.) I decided to move nearer to my siblings (all in the UK), as with both our parents gone we are all we have. Not wanting to live in the UK I relocated to Germany where I had some friends and as a means of earning money trained as an ESL teacher. Teaching has been a revelation – I never expected to enjoy it but I find it so very rewarding and am motivated to make a go of it and have a two year plan for experience and training (the first time in my life I’ve had such a thing.) My problem is I feel overwhelmingly lonely, when I arrived a friend (who I had feelings for) confessed that he had feelings for me and we began a relationship after two weeks he told me that he changed his mind and didn’t want to continue (but never told me why.) I cannot get rid of the feelings of rejection and that I am doomed never to be or even experience a loving nurturing relationship and that there must be something wrong with me. Despite relocating my relationship with my siblings is almost non-existent – they have made no effort to visit me or reply to my emails. My two sisters are not on speaking terms which meant when I did visit them I had to choose who to see and when, as ever I made the wrong decision and no one sister is not talking to me and the other if she does contact me talks mainly about what is wrong with the other. My brother is the only one of my siblings who even asked about my time in Germany. I feel so lonely and unloved that I often cry (I never realized how much a person can cry.) I have made some other lovely friends since my arrival but as ever they have their own relationships and, well Saturday’s nights and weekends generally are just lonely. I do enjoy the delights of my new home – the museums, art and beauty but it’s always alone. I am at the point where I cannot bear to see people in love (which you see a lot of in Europe!), as it is just a reminder that no one loves me. I know a relocation such as I have undertaken would involve periods of loneliness but I am worried that I may be falling into something more. I don’t seem capable of taking joy in my achievements – relocation, finding a job so fast, finding a beautiful apartment etc. At present I feel as if I could disappear and no one would notice. I am unable to seek counseling here as at present I am only on a part time wage so would welcome any advice you could give me. I apologies as I fear I have taken more than the 400 guide.

Kind regards.

Give yourself some well-earned credit. There are two primary forces that motivate us in our lives: moving away from pain, and moving toward well-being. You have been able to move away from what was unhealthy. This is a major and essential ingredient in being able to move toward what you want.

In the past counseling was helpful, and I suspect it will be helpful again. You may want to look for both an individual and group therapist. The advantage of adding group therapy is that you will be able to get feedback and learn from many others in the group.

You have proven to yourself that you can flourish when the right conditions are present. The work now is for you to find the right conditions for your growth. Making new friends, engaging in the process of therapy, and finding a creative outlet will be important ways for you to grow.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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What is wrong with me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Its been years since i really enjoyed..well anything. I can sit down and like doing something, tv, books, chores, walking the dog, or just going for a run. I am capable of getting up and doing it all. I do what needs to be done. I have never really had a favorite color, or favorite TV show or even a favorite thing to do. I like everything yet I like nothing. I feel indifferent about everything i do. To include work and everyday chores. I do it because i know i have to and because i have kids that are depending on me or it is my responsibility. I find myself crying over everything. I cried when i read some of the other posts because they explain some of the feelings i have that i can’t seem to explain. I cried over my kids eating breakfast and i am starting to cry over this because i feel stupid for not knowing why i constantly feel ‘not normal”. Lately i feel like i am making it all up in my head. Its like i so desperately want some one to give me an answer for everything that I am making it all up. That there is really nothing wrong with me and everyone feels like this.

Now to come full circle. With all of this inadequacy that i feel at work i wonder if its the job. I have looked at other work. But because nothing really makes me happy would leaving really benefit me. I have never known what i wanted to do and i know i could make plenty of money staying where i am being miserable or i quit and face the same problems in another career field. I am so afraid of disappointing the people at work by quitting that i would rather have been in a total wreck to where i couldn’t go any more. My memory has been failing me lately, to a point my husband wants me to be check out; I would rather have a brain tumor than face my boss and have him hold a grudge for me not being able to handle all of this (more tears).

I feel almost like the things that happened with my ex caused me to start this downward spiral. I want an answer to what is wrong but fear the answer. HELP!

I didn’t include all of your long letter because the most important part of it involves your feelings. It sounds to me like you may have been suffering from dysthymia for some time. Dysthymia is a mood disorder where the individual is chronically depressed but at a lower intensity than in a full blown depression. As you report, it can go on for years and it can make life feel endlessly gray. I don’t know if your negative experiences with the former boyfriend are at the root of it. It may be that you would feel this way even if you’d never met him. He gave you reason to be angry and sad but it’s possible he only worsened an ongoing condition. As far as the job: It’s just true that wherever you go, there you will be. Changing the job won’t change your mood. Changing location won’t either. If the man you are with is a good guy, leaving the relationship also isn’t likely to help.

Instead, you need to see a mental health counselor. Bring your letter with you. You wrote an eloquent description of what you’ve experienced and felt. Your counselor will be able to hear more details and will be able to make a more sophisticated assessment. The two of you will then discuss treatment options. Some medication may be helpful to lift your mood a little so you will have the energy and interest to take better care of yourself and to take better care of your family. Some therapy will give you both some much-needed support and some practical ways to manage your gray moods.

You made an important first step in writing. Please follow through and get the help you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Mother is negative about everything and alienating the family

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am writing you because I do not know what else to do. I am a 26 year old female who recently left her home and family to make a family of her own. My father and brother both commited suicide, my father when I was 10 and my brother when I was 24. I have a sister who is my best friend but my mother is the issue. My mother was always very compassionate, empathetic and loving but after her divorce from her second marriage, she cares about nothing. She is disabled and has very little money, no job, no partner and suffers from depression. I am getting married next month and had mentioned that I would like to celebrate my marriage with just my fiancee and myself. My mother was very upset with me and refused to talk to me for 3 days. My fiancee and myself then planned a small wedding including 30 guests, fancy wedding and a reception. As the wedding came closer I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed and the realization that my father and brother would not be there was heavy on my heart. I began crying everyday thinking about my wedding and how its simplicty was lost in stupid things like what color the napkins should be and how large the cake should be. I know that deep down I really just wanted to have a wedding completely focused on my marriage vows and really focus on the love that my fiancee and I share. I finally got the courage to ask my mother for her advise and help with being so upset. She laughed at me and told me I was just like my father (who never liked to be the center or attention and I am indeed like him in that way) and that I needed to suck it up and shut up about it. I told her that the reason I was miserable was because I had planned my entire wedding putting her first by including everyone and making it like every other American wedding and did not listen to my heart. She laughed at me when I told her this and says she doesnt even remember being upset about it and genuine said she really doesnt care. I want to tell my mother how much this hurts me and how she is alienating herself from her entire family but I am scared because she has mentioned suicide before and I feel that she does not have anything in her life that she feels is important or that she cares about. She is currently taking medication for depression and only has negative words to say when I speak with her. What should I do?

First, and most important: Congratulations on your marriage to a man you truly love. Please don’t let the wedding overshadow what’s really important. A wedding takes hours. A marriage should be for a lifetime. If the family wedding is something you’re doing for others, I do suggest that you and your fiance also have your own private ceremony that is just for you where you can focus on your love and your vows. You can go to a justice of the peace or the two of you can simply go to some beautiful spot and repeat your vows to each other.

I’m so, so sorry about your losses which now number three: Your father, your brother, and your mother. You’ve “lost” your mother, at least for now, to her depression. Please don’t listen to her words. The things she said about your wedding are the depression talking. Like you, she has lost two people she loved. Unlike you, she hasn’t found a way to move forward. My guess is that the laughter isn’t about ridicule or amusement. It’s a cover for anxiety and pain. I’m very concerned that she has talked about suicide. If you can, see if you can go with her to talk to whoever is prescribing for her. The prescriber needs to know how serious her symptoms are. She may not be as forthcoming as she could be. Further, she needs more than medication. She needs a therapist to provide additional support and guidance during this difficult time.

It’s just true that sometimes when people need help the most, they push it away. It may be helpful to organize some of your closest relatives to support your mom. Make an appointment for a consultation with a mental health professional to help you all understand effective ways to help her. I can’t guarentee it will work but I think you’ll feel better if you know you’ve tried everything possible.

Please remember that you carry your father and brother with you in your heart. It’s tragic that the only way they could figure out to end their pain was to suicide. Like your mother, they were too caught in their own feelings to think about how their actions might affect you and the others who loved them. To me, that means that their pain was very big, not that their love for you was too small. I hope you can focus on positive memories and celebrate that your father lives on in the ways you are like him.

I wish you and your family well.
Dr. Marie

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My girlfriend is unreasonably jealous of my ex-wife

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

For the past 3 years, I have been dating a 43-year-old divorced woman who has two boys, aged 12 and 9. Due to the hostile nature of her divorce, she has sole custody of her boys, as her ex does not live up to his custodial duties.

I am a divorced male, 42, with a 14-year-old daughter who stays with me 3 nights a week and her mom and step-dad the rest of the time. My ex and I have tried our hardest to maintain a cooperative parenting relationship for our daughter’s sake. We speak only about matters relating to my daughter. I consider it a matter of principle to maintain a decent relationship with my ex for our daughter’s benefit, and take pride in the fact that we have succeeded in doing so.

The problem is that my girlfriend literally cannot stand to hear my ex-wife’s name, much less anything more about her. Early in our relationship, we spoke about our respective former marriages, basically in order to get to know one another better and have an idea of our past experiences and present needs. I sensed early on that my girlfriend was extremely sensitive to the idea of my ex-wife, and made every effort to never, ever talk to or about the ex during the time my GF and I were together, not even mentioning her name. This has added considerable complication to the time we spend together with my daughter.

On the rare occasions when I have mentioned anything regarding my ex-wife – last night being the most recent – she becomes extremely aggressive, angry and physically rigid, as if she were having a severe allergic reaction. She claims I still love my ex-wife and idolize her new husband. For instance, a simple comment such as “My daughter will be living on XX street because her mom lives there now with her new husband” is enough to seriously peeve my girlfriend and cause great tension between us.

In short, the one central, insurmountable, recurring issue in my relationship with this woman has been her extreme reaction to the mere existence of my ex-wife. It even bleeds over into her relationship with my daughter, which is nonchalant at best. We have been to couple’s counseling but my girlfriend seems to think that her reaction is entirely normal and justified.

Thank you for considering my predicament

Unless there is more to this than you presented, you’re quite right. Your girlfriend’s reaction to your ex could well end your relationship. When adults begin a new relationship, they come with a past. Your divorce sounds much healthier than your girlfriend’s. You and your ex understand that you divorced each other but neither of you divorced your daughter. You are doing your best to be supportive co-parents even though you couldn’t find a way to continue to be married. This is healthy for everyone. Your daughter doesn’t feel like she is caught in the middle between two embattled parents. You both allow her to love and be loved by the other. You and your ex maintain a healthy respect for each other and have each moved on to finding new love.

It’s sad to me that your girlfriend doesn’t understand that all this speaks so well of your character. There is no reason for her to be jealous. You’ve moved on. There is no need for her to react as she does when you talk about your daughter’s relationship to her other family. It’s no threat to her and your daughter needs to know that you support her relationship with her mother and stepdad. Ideally, your girlfriend would find a way to be friendly with your ex and supportive of your role as a co-parent. If the two of you move to the next level or marry, she’ll also be co-parenting your daughter. She needs to be able to have reasonable and respectful conversations with your ex if you’re not available and decisions have to be made regarding your daughter or if your daughter needs something left at her other home.

Ideally, at some point you’ll be doing the same with her sons’ father. Your girlfriend can’t erase her past either. Whether or not he lived up to his responsibilities, he is still their father and the boys need to be able to speak about him and perhaps visit him if it is safe for them to do so. Even if he is an abusive parent, supervised visits may need to happen at some point so the boys will have a realistic understanding of who their father is.

You say you went to counseling. I hope the counselor was able to be sympathetic to your girlfriend’s desire to have you all to herself but was also able to help her understand that it’s not a realistic or even healthy option at this point. If you feel the counselor didn’t do that, perhaps you didn’t provide enough information about how extreme her reaction is and how potentially harmful it is to your daughter. If that is the case, I hope you’ll make another appointment to present that information. We therapists only have the material we’re given to work with. I do hope you found a counselor who is experienced in family therapy. If not, please consider trying again with a new one.

Whether or not counseling is successful, you and your girlfriend need to have a serious talk. Her reaction to your relationship with your ex is a deal-breaker. If she absolutely can’t tolerate it, you should wish each other well and move on.

I do wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

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What do I do when my mother hates me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I really believe my mother hates/resents me and I have believed that for the entirety of my life. There is so much to contribute to this but I will try to sum it up.

Background: Small family. I have my mother, 2 brothers, 1 aunt, 1 cousin and now 2 children of my own. I’m divorced for a year now and moved back home with my mom due to financial strain of the divorce. Don’t get much child support so although I make ok money I can’t afford daycare for 2 small children and all other bills associated with being on my own with no raise in sight since the down-turn of the economy. So, to say the very least this is a horrible situation.

I really feel like my mother has hated me and resented her role of being a mother my entire life. My mom divorced my dad when I was 8 and left us. We saw her once in 3 years and finally moved in with her when my dad had a mid-life crisis and turned to drugs. Both my father and mother are very intelligent people, so it’s a bit confusing. My mother has never been maternal and I feel like she missed an important growing point in my life and always been hurt by her leaving us with my dad. This has been over 20 years ago and I never really forgave her 100% because anytime i would talk to her or try and get through some of the pain I had I was always shut down and told that she wasn’t going to talk about it. She won’t only talk about this but anything that has to do with feelings. She has always favored my brothers and is more like a boy than a girl in many senses. She doesn’t like girly things, she doesn’t like to chit chat, and she isn’t affectionate. She has never been one to give me a hug or tell me she loves me. I can’t remember the last time I was hugged by my mother. I think she may have when I was little, but honestly I can’t remember of 1 time. Not even in my darkest or happiest days. So, in the back of my head I’ve always thought she didn’t love me bc she didn’t show it. She never asks me how my day is or if she goes to the store she will ask my brothers what they want but never me. It’s always been her way or no way.

Growing up I always stayed at my friends houses so I could feel apart of their family because always felt like my mother didn’t love me. My friends mothers would always see what I was talking about and be baffled by it. Also, anytime we have an argument because I may bring up why she doesn’t think of me (it isn’t often bc I know it will end the same everytime) she will be irate and tell me how I make stuff up and I always think someone is out to get me. But, she is the only one I have relationship problems with. I’ve never had anyone say that to me my whole life. I’ve always been the best friend, so I know I don’t make it up, but she does try to turn it everytime. She will say that it’s this or that about me and never take ownership. I try and say yes I do this or that but you do this, and she won’t have it she’ll end the conversation. She came from a good childhood, so I can’t understand.

After 28 years I still don’t understand, and I think being a mother it’s made it even worse. I would never treat me kids the way she has. If my kids doubted I loved them and told me that I would do anything and everything to get to the bottom of it. Talk it out, show them, and try to understand their point of view. She never tries to fix anything and 5 minutes later she will bring something trivial up like nothing ever happened. I have told her how I feel and it’s hard for me to act like she has never acted this way my entire life, but if I don’t my life will be hell. I have so much pent up frustration and I’m so hurt. I don’t have much family and all I want is a mother. How can I get through to a mother that can’t even seem to get out of her head to give a two licks about anyone even her daughter???!!! I don’t want this to be what my kids see and I don’t want it to be this way. please help me understand!!!

As painful as this is for you, as much as I’d like to help you understand your mother, I can’t. I’d need to have an in-depth talk with your mom in order to do any kind of reasonable analysis. My guess is that she wouldn’t tolerate such a talk.

What I can do is respond to you. There is still an abandoned little girl inside of you who desperately wants her mommy. It’s totally understandable. She left you. Then in a way, your dad “left” you by becoming drug-involved. Then you went back to a mother who can’t or won’t “mother.” Most kids in situations like these think that if only they could figure out what to do, their mom would love them. It’s just too scary to acknowledge that maybe the mom they depend on really isn’t interested. So the kids hold on to the hope and keep going back and going back and going back to their mother, hoping that this time it will be different. But since the person they are returning to is incapable of connecting emotionally, the kids always end up hurt and disappointed.

For reasons you and I (and maybe even she) will never understand, your mother isn’t able to connect with her daughter. It’s time you accepted that. Nothing you do is going to make a difference. Your mother is who she is and is unwilling to either acknowledge that she has a problem or make changes. Going back to her is like going back to a door you know is locked when you don’t have a key.

There is a solution to your pain, though. Your “family” is only as small as you make it. You need to look for older women friends who can give you the support, advice, and even love, that your mother isn’t able to give you. Your kids need honorary “aunties” who will witness their growth, spoil them a little, and show them that you are a person who is loved and respected. Expand your notion of family so you can bring more people into the embrace of your own family. Get involved with the ladies in your church. Seek out a book club or womens’ club or hobby group. Friendships can span the generations.

It’s unfortunate you are living with your mother. I hope you will keep working on getting financially stable so that you can get a place of your own. Living with her is a daily, even hourly, reminder of all that you missed. It’s not healthy for either of you – or your children. In the meantime, be polite and appreciative for what your mother can give you (a roof over your head may be all she can do but that’s actually a lot). And stop shaming her and disappointing yourself with requests and demands for an emotional involvement she can’t provide. You’ll both be happier.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Updated: October 2018

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In A “Rebound” Relationship

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am 47 and she is 49 [now] I met Sherri at a place we both worked at ,we always got along great .she was married andwe were just friends.Then she ended up getting seperated then finally divorced.once she was at the end of her seperation we started just casually datting ,once the divorce was fnal we datted exclusivly .NOW four years later [this happend 3 weeks ago ]she came by my place we ate dinner she seemed distant i had to throw out the garbage she was eaving through my back door .i asked her what was going on she never gave me a valid response.she left,i came back inside and found the jewelery i have given her over the years in a box on my counter.I’ve called trying to nderstand what’s going on and why .I ask what did i do? she replies i didn’t do anything she just doesn’t love me anymore or is not in love with me anymore ,i sy their must be a reason she tells me their doesn’t always need to be a reason .i have called and e mailed only to be ignored ,mentioned maybe it would be a good idea to sit with a pastor and discuss this at first she said yea the day o the meeting she called me and said to just cancell the meeting it wouldn’t change anything anyways .BEEN trying to get her to just sit with me and talk help me understand what she’s going through , she doesn’t want to .Last night she finally stoped by to hear what i wanted to say i spoke she arely has ,i said maybe we need a re start in the past i’ve given her chances so i said now i’m asking for just one chance to keep it together and not just throw it away like this .

I have seen her with anotherguy and told her i did ,she said just ecause you seen me with someone doesnt mean i’m seeing them .i believe she was seeing him before this issue.i thik her friends are getting in her hea about me [when theydon’t even know me ] i haven’t really eatten or slept for days here i just can’t figure out why i don’t get a reason …….

Some friends told me maybe she’s in a re bound relationship right now and those do not last ,after all the kind and loving things we’ve said to each other and all we’ve done together how can she just one day say no like this ? it’s eatting me up. Last night as i read her what i wanted to tell her it didn’t even seem she was paying attention….i went to give her a hug she said no i would only read more into that .i have said i loved you , always have she admits i never lied,cheated or disrespected her or toyed with her emotions in any way ,i ask to compromise she doesn’t want to ,asked for tat one more chance she doesn’t know if she has one for me .YET i get told i did nothing wrong.

I am not certain what your exact question is so I can only provide you with a general response. I am very sorry that you are struggling. Unfortunately, when one person in a relationship decides that it is over, then it is. You wrote that your girlfriend suddenly decided that she no longer loves you or is in love with you. This surprised you. It may seem as though her feelings came out of “nowhere” but that is unlikely. It seemed that way but there were likely signs of her growing disinterest in the relationship that you missed.

You were there for her during the period in which she ended her marriage. I am sure that you were a great help to her during this stormy time in her life. You are probably aware of the old saying “any port in a storm.” This saying references the fact that when you are in very trying circumstances, you cannot be and will not be too choosy about your port of comfort. This is why rebound relationships are described with great caution.

During this stormy period of her life, you were her comforting port. Now that the storm has ended, she can continue her journey and look for the port of her choice. Let’s not believe that she was aware of her intentions when she pulled into your port. She very likely was only concerned with the immediacy of her situation. You served as a good friend, boyfriend, during this period of her life. She probably thanks you and is thankful in her mind for your being there when she most needed you.

Rebound relationships are very tricky and usually do not have good outcomes. When she pulled into that port during this stormy period in her life, she was most concerned with immediate relief. She did not have the luxury of long-term planning.

From her actions it is very clear that she is very definite about you and the relationship you had.

Unfortunately, you would like the relationship to continue. In most breakups, only one of the parties wishes for the relationship to end. Yes, sometimes both parties agree to a breakup but that is not usually the case. The person who wants it to end is happy and the person who does not want it to end, feels as you do now.

The breakup of a relationship is often undesired and torturous. However, every ending allows for a new beginning. You still have the opportunity to find the woman who will bring you great happiness and, unlike this past girlfriend, will value you, respect you and love you. That is the kind of woman you want in your life. Put very simply, someone that you want as much as she wants you.

You mentioned that she is involved with another guy. That may be the reason why she has ended her relationship with you. She did not tell you that information directly but, given the evidence, it is a reasonable conclusion.

I know that you are in pain right now. This is very understandable. It would have been better if she had been more honest with you about why she is ending the relationship. She could have provided you with a more honest explanation but unfortunately she hasn’t. Psychologically, at this time, it would be in your best interest to try to move on with your life. I know that is easier said than done but you can’t force someone to stay in a relationship. In addition, it would be helpful if you surrounded yourself with supportive friends and family.

You are not alone in your struggles. Breakups are to be expected. Unfortunately, most people have experienced or will experience a breakup at some point in their lives. It is the norm rather than the exception.

If you would like to write back and ask a more specific question, or additional questions, I would be happy to assist you. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Stepson’s expectations are tearing the family apart

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My stepson is divorcing my daughter-in-law for another woman, whom he is marrying 5 days after his divorce is final. My daughter-in-law lives in SC and wants to move back to MI, so is moving in with us as she cannot financially afford to live on her own with all the debt they have and they haven’t sold their house. Our stepson had no problem with this in the beginning, and our granddaughters are coming to live with us also. Now, he has decided that he wants to come and visit us 5 days after we get her moved into our house. He told us to just kick her out. He wants us to meet his new wife.

I told my husband, no way. First I am not ready to meet the new wife who broke up the marriage and second, he has no right to ask her to move out of this house, as this is her home now. My husband does not agree, as this is his son (my stepson). We are fighting over this one. My husband agreed to let my daughter-in-law move in and was in full support. I told him his son has no right to even ask to come here to visit while she is staying here.

Am I wrong on this issue? I feel like his son is doing this to pour salt in the wound. He would be sleeping in the bed with his new wife, in the room that his ex-wife would be sleeping in while in our home. So inappropriate. What do you think, I feel he can come to town and stay in a hotel. My husband says he can’t afford that and it is not an option. Please help — I feel this is going to break our marriage.

This kind of situation with conflicting loyalties and needs can tear a family apart. I’m glad you wrote to us.

From where I sit, your stepson has multiple problems. He is marrying so quickly after a divorce that he isn’t giving himself time to learn from the experience of a failed marriage. He doesn’t seem to understand that whatever his feelings for his former wife, she is still the mother of his children, your grandchildren, and is deserving of some respect, if only for that. He seems to be asking you and your husband to take sides in a no-win contest of love and loyalties. He doesn’t seem to be considering how his kids will feel about meeting this woman who has taken their mother’s place in his life and his bed.

Meanwhile, your husband is torn. He doesn’t want to lose his son over all this but he has made a commitment to the mother of his grandchildren and to you. He may have the idea that blood relationship comes first. But he isn’t considering that his grandchildren are also of his blood and deserve his consideration – even over his son. They are the most vulnerable people in this situation.

For the kids’ sake, my opinion is that if your stepson wants to integrate his new wife into the family, he needs to take it much more slowly. It’s unfair to displace his children’s mother from her home. It would be hard on the kids to have to have his new wife, their new stepmother, move right into their mom’s place.

One option would be for your stepson and his new wife to stay in a hotel or with a friend and to arrange daily visits with you and his children. If he really can’t afford a hotel room for a few nights, perhaps your husband could help him by financing part of it. This would not only solve the sleeping arrangements but would let your husband demonstrate to his son that he isn’t taking sides. Your daughter-in-law could cooperate by agreeing to go out while he visits with you and the kids. Alternatively, he could arrange to take the children out to some local attraction or event to give the kids a way to get to know their new stepmom without intruding on his former wife’s life.

Although I can certainly understand the intense feelings that go with this situation, I hope you and your husband will take a step back and rethink your positions. To me, the focus shouldn’t be on who has the “right” to be in your home (stepson or daughter-in-law). The conversation should instead be about how to support your granddaughters and how to integrate this new reality into everyone’s lives. Your stepson will leave after a few days. You, your husband, your daughter-in-law and the grandchildren will be left to deal with the emotional consequences of his visit. You want to make sure that whatever happens leaves everyone able to comfortably live together.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Shut Off From My Emotions

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I know there is something wrong with me but I don’t know what is it and how to deal with it: I’ve problems and I need help. No one around me seems to understand what I’m going through. First, my parents were divorced 3 years ago and that’s a good thing I actually encouraged it. My father wasn’t a father in any way. He was abusive, cheap, there is nothing else I can say about him other than he is a bad person with serious problems. I’m glad we don’t live with him anymore although he is still in our lives which really bothers me. The man has no idea that he ruined my childhood. I just want to tell him how horrible he is, how wrong. The few months before the divorce were really dark times for me. I cried every night. I didn’t eat well. I slept all day and was up all night like a vampire. I also prayed to God to end my life every day. We left with my mom more than once but we always came back even when I thought ‘there is no way she’d go back after what he did this time’. I actually still have nightmares about going back although I’m sure it won’t happen again. I still can’t understand why she kept coming back to him. That ended well, we live away from him. We still see him, me and my sister. And we’ve to act like we love him, because our family tells us we should so we could live in peace. He doesn’t know how I feel about him. Well, I got out of that one alive but I feel like something had died in me.

What I did to keep myself sane through this time was shutting my emotions. I told myself everyone else doesn’t matter I only live for me. I invented something I call the SWITCH which shuts down my emotions, worries and fears. One time they got into a fight and he hit her in front of me, my sister and family members. My sister was crying and my family was trying to calm them down. And me, thanks to the switch I was watching TV in the same room. I didn’t bother looking at what was happening. I know there is something wrong with that.

The other thing which I’m suffering from now is, I don’t know what to call it. Ok, from the start. I’m in engineering faculty. And I specialize in electronics and communication. It needs a lot of work. I find very hard to study. To enroll in this faculty you must get very high grades in high school. So I used to be a very good student.

Now I’m easily distracted, very easily. I can’t concentrate in class. I can’t finish anything I intend to finish. I feel very annoyed when I’m in class. I’m failing my courses. I’ve absolutely zero emption. I started to really hate it.

I think I made the wrong choice choosing this specialty. But I had no other options. I wanted to make my family happy and proud. Now I’m just a big disappointment like my mom keeps reminding me. I find myself very creative and smart in other things. I lost my faith in myself, I’ve no self-esteem. How could I trust myself when my own mother doesn’t?

The switch has turned on me because I neglect all my problems and worries. But I’ll still use it. it’s the only way I know how to deal with things.

I don’t know what to do. But my life is being destroyed piece by piece in front of as I stand helpless. I’m usually a very optimistic person and keep telling myself everything will be fine, I’ll handle it. But I’ve been telling myself this for 2 years now. This is all I can say now.
So what should I do?

You effectively “shut off” your emotions, so that you did not have to feel the emotional pain associated with your father and being raised in your home. The “switch” was essentially a tourniquet. It was a defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms have a purpose but they can be costly. The “switch” served its purpose but now it is hurting you. You have seemingly lost your ability to have a full range of emotions.

The most efficient solution is psychotherapy. A psychotherapist will be able to help you explore your emotions in a safe environment. Feeling safe is important. Part of why you developed the “switch” was likely because you were fearful of strong and painful emotions. It is important that you receive guidance in this process. A psychotherapist can provide this. It will be a difficult process but one that is necessary.

Your second question is related to your inability to concentrate and focus on your studies. There may be two explanations. One is that you may have depression. The second possibility is that you may have an attention deficit disorder. I would recommend having a psychiatric evaluation before you make any major decisions about your life circumstances. You are concerned that engineering was the wrong career choice but it is difficult to know that when you are experiencing possible mental health symptoms.

It is important to keep in mind that engineering may not be your “dream job” but it might be a wise career choice. You worry that it may not be the right choice because you feel drawn to more creative outlets. You can still explore your creative interests while working as an engineer. Career choices need to be practical.

I’m not familiar with the mental health services in your country. I hope that you will consider having a psychiatric evaluation and meeting with a therapist. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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i’m pretty sure i should probably go see a professional

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Well The thing is i’m pretty sure i should probably go see a professional about it, but i would really prefer not to. But to sum up the last few years of whats been going on. 2 friends died by being hit by cars ( they were walking ) both at different times, my parents got a divorce in 2008 both remarried in 2009… Both divorced again in 2011.. and they are getting back together now.. I was constantyl in the middle, i was loaning my father money to pay
his bills and same for my mother. In the last 3 months i have been laid off of my job, and now i’m in threat of loosing everything i have worked for. Although i have a really crappy job offering which i’m going to take to pay the bills. Now let me explain the recent problems..

Starting about 2-3 days ago i have been getting extremely mad at my wife and children for no reason. I don’t know why.. I get to the point where i’m afraid to get near my girls i’m afraid i’ll hurt them, so instead i have them go play outside. My wife is usually at work so i’m acting as stay at home dad right now, Occasionally and including right now, it seems like i can’t get enough oxygen into my system no matter how deep i breath or how much i try. I personally love my wife and children to death, i dislike society and humanity as a whole so i don’t have friends and don’t want them ( i also have no interest in seeing a therapist although it’s probably for the best ) I do not talk to most of my family only my father and mother, and thats only becuase i have to i would prefer if they would stay out of my life..

I absolutely hate myself and constantly think of suicide. Of course i would never act on it, but it doesn’t stop me from day dreaming about it. Also at nights, almost every night i have nightmares, they are never plesent in any way. Usually my kids or wife dying. I’m not happy with my life for sure, i want much more out of my life. I’m not afraid of dying, only of being forgotten.. I want to do something to be remembered..

I know this isn’t much of a question, but i’m seeking advice, i want to make the best of myself and such for my wife and kids, so i’m considering seeing a therapist, but i think it will be a waste of time. I’m not really addicted to games and such, i mean i do play on the computer but i don’t mind getting off to play with my kids or spend time with my wife, even if i don’t want to get off i dont’ get mad about it i just do it. And through the day i’m not really on much, only at night..

The other problem is my wife is being bothered by my sleeping habits. I usually go to sleep about 10-11AM and wake at about 2-3PM about 2-3 times a month i’ll go 24-36 hours without sleep altogether, i’m not forcing myself i just don’t feel tired.. i’ve tried sleeping pills and they have done nothing. My father had prescription sleeping pills i tried and still nothing ( i know it’s wrong )

umm, other than that i’m sorta addicted to sex.. I mean i want sex every single night.. of course the wife isn’t always int he mood which is understandable. But in the past when she denied me for whatever reason, i would just cuddle with her then go watch tv or play a game, but in the last couple of days, i have gotten so mad at her i wanted to kill myself.. It almost feels like i’m being denied love. I’m honestly not sure wtf is going on.. I’m assuming depression, and maybe a bit of anxiety.. But i’m no therapist. Any way Yeah what do you think.

What I think is what you think. Follow your own good instincts. You need the support and advice of a therapist who can give you more than what we’re able to do through a letter. For starters, it sounds to me that you are still grieving your friends and your parents’ unstable relationship and that you have a serious sleep disorder (that, btw, could contribute to your depression and your episodes of rage). You may be feeling even more upset about being unemployed than you are letting yourself acknowledge. Losing a job and feeling forced to take a “crappy” one is a major hit on most adults’ self-esteem. You are wise enough not to take your feelings out on the family who loves you but you do think about taking it out on yourself — which of course would do unestimable damage to the wife and children you leave behind. I wonder if you want sex so much because it is the only way you’ve found to truly relax.

As you can see, your letter left me with more questions than answers – except one: Do see a therapist and go into the project with as much courage, openness, and honesty as you can. Your family deserves it. So do you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My significant other has friends of the opposite sex that I don’t approve of.

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

In 2002 (I was 17) I met a guy (he was 26) hung out in a group that one night. He was recently divorced after a 7 yr marriage. I got married that same year. Never saw this man again. Until 2 1/2 years ago I was going through a divorce after being married 6 years. We ran into each other. Remembered each other. After getting to know one another, and building a friendship over 5 months, we started a relationship. Been together ever since. I am now 26, and he is 35. I have 2 sons from my marriage. He has no children of his own, but loves the boys like they’re his. And their father has since passed away, so he is now their sole father figure in their life. We have lived together as a family for 15 months. Even recently bought a house together. So, that’s a brief history. For the most part we have a great relationship. The main cause of our problems stems from his friendships with females. One in particular is a girl who he had one night been intimate with, but they’ve always been just friends. She started talking to him again about 8 months into our relationship, and he started going over 1 or 2 nights a week to watch movies with her and her sister and their children. (The sisters lived together) At first it wasn’t a big deal to me. Until one night I found out that without telling me, him and a friend of his picked her up one night and they hung out together, and some inappropriate (in my opinion) stuff happened. I got very upset, and it caused us to argue, and this arguing caused him to walk out, and we didn’t talk for 2 days, and he admits that the night he left my house, he went to her house and stayed all night bc he’d had a few beers. (Nothing happened) Ok. Several weeks later, he has one too many drinks and opens up about that night. He tells me he was upset and was discussing our problems with this girl, and she started crying and said to him: I wish you could love me like you love her. I’ve always thought we’d be good together. Of course this upsets me. So, he continues to communicate with her via texting, but he stops hanging out with her. Then, my ex husband passed away rather tragically. We disagreed about some issues and once again he walked out of my house, and we didn’t talk for 4 days. When we finally talked, we agreed to take a 30-day break, and if we still wanted to be together, we would start over. (We laid out ground rules: no communicating at all, unless it was to say we wanted to move on because we’d found someone else. We didn’t want to be unfaithful to each other. We were still considering us to be together, we were just taking a break to think things through) ok, so the next day we meet up and exchange house keys, etc. When I saw him (we hadn’t seen each other in 5 days) he looked awful. He looked tired, worn out, his eyes were swollen. It was obvious he’d been crying a lot. We hugged, and parted ways to begin the 30-day break. Early the following morning he texted and said he wanted to talk. So, we talked. He cried, and said he felt like we’d proved a point, he knew he didn’t want to live without me and the boys and he asked how I felt, and so we agreed to move forward and continue building our family. Of course I learn he pretty much spent the whole 5 days we were apart surrounded by all his friends including the 1 girl I have a problem with. That very day we get back together we see this girl in a parking lot and he waves at her and she doesn’t wave back. He doesn’t seem to care. Ok. Within the month we move in together. A week or so later we are laying in bed and he starts going through his phone and let’s me see where he had been texting her and getting no response and so he asked if she was mad and she finally responded with: I just don’t like how you handled everything. He says she means she is upset that he chose to stay with me. So, she ends up inviting him to a birthday get together and he declines BC I pretty much said no way. And he made a promise that he would never make plans to see her in person again. A whole year goes by with no communication between them and almost 4 months ago she pops up again and they’ve talked constantly since then. He works for a cable company. So he went to her house and installed cable. That was fine. Then he decides he wants to set her up with a friend of his, so him and his friend go to her house. A couple weeks later I specifically ask him if he has seen her other than those 2 times. He says no he has not. So, He ended up getting a new phone, so one day I looked through his old phone and was able to read text messages. I discovered that over a 4 week period he had hung out with her 4 or 5 times. Of course, 2 of those times I know about, the other time he flat out lied. He says it was all BC he was trying to set his friend up with her. This upsets me very much and of course we argued. Pretty much was going to end things. But, once again talked things through. Let me add that I have no concerns of him physically cheating on me. It’s the emotional part that upsets me. It hurts my feelings knowing that he sits and thinks of her and then feels the need to text her to see how her day is. I’ve expressed this to him numerous times. I understand he knew her years before him and I got together. He has explained to me that in a way she reminds him of his ex wife. She is very small and timid and shy and comes off as being fragile. She doesn’t have a lot of friends and she’s been burned a lot by family and friends. She told him years ago that she felt like she could tell him anything and she trusted him more than she had ever trusted anyone. She has a 3-year-old son. She is a single mom. Apparently the father has never been in the picture. Yes, he admits he feels sorry for her. He cares about her as a person. She’s always been nice to him. He says he can talk to her about anything. He can say anything he wants and if she gets mad, who cares? Because he doesn’t have to live with her. Oh and let me add…I have never met her. One way I described my feelings about the situation to him is: “She needs to find her own knight in shining armor.” Yes. I feel sorry for her. I have a ton of respect for her as a single parent. I know she’s a good mom and a hard worker. Does it make me an awful person to feel like “oh well.”? Not our problem?” I’ve never been a jealous person until all these issues the past 2 years. And once again, I truly don’t feel like he’d ever be physically unfaithful. His friends and family who’ve known him his whole life say the same. He’s been burned several times by unfaithfulness. He has several female friends that were in his life before me. I’ve met them and developed friendships with them. But, not this girl. She has stayed away. And if she does invite him to something she doesn’t include me in the invitation. It just really bothers me. The whole situation. What bothers me the most is the fact that she has expressed her feelings toward him, even crying that she wished he loved her the way he did me? And then he’ll tell me how emotionally unstable she is and she’s fragile and he can’t just kick her to the curb, she’s never done anything to hurt anyone she is one of the nicest people he knows. I feel that by him staying in her life it gives her false hope and if she is as bad off emotionally as he says, he’s possibly setting her up for a huge breakdown. That’s just how I feel. I apologize for how long this is and I hope you can make sense of it. Thanks so much.

What you are saying makes a great deal of sense, and it is very clearly laid out. I believe there is something called a parallel process at issue here. By not giving him an ultimatum and setting a clear boundary, he is not setting s clear boundary with her. The result is that a type of permission and enablement that allows the confusion and ambiguity to continue. What you have now is a relationship based on potential and promise — rather than actuality.

Ask him for exactly what you want, and set limits on what is acceptable and what isn’t. If you want a more committed relationship then you need to ask for it. If his lying about his contact with her is a deal breaker in the future — say so.

Three people in what should be a 2-person drama never succeeds. If you can’t set limits, goals and boundaries with him, he isn’t going to be able to set them with her. Is this an ultimatum? Perhaps. But I prefer to see it as your basic statement of needs.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My mom is cheating on my dad…it hurts so bad

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

so its been about a year that ive known bout the fact that my mom is cheating on my dad. their relationship is AWFUL. they tried to get divorced when i was 5 but they didnt becuz my little brother came along.well according to what my aunt said they knew eachother for only 2 months or so b4 they got married! the story started when i heard my mom sweet talking on the phone, i first panicked & when i asked her who it was she said juss A FRIEND but i knew she was lying ..well i paid no attention to that eventhough she used to cry in the car & u know the stuff u do in the tough times of a relationship!but after a few months i heard them talking about buying a house , being together & other stuff … i just BLEW UP! i couldnt believe that was my mom saying those things . well she broke up with that guy & found a new guy ! so things kept on getting worse for me ! cuz i was the only one who knew this & had to keep it as a secret. then i started reading her text massages ( it was more like a sexmassage) chats( i read things that just killed me inside, things like getting divorced , or how much he luvs her )…ahh & i even caught her using the webcam in MY ROOM for like 3 or 4 times. i just CANNOT stop thinking about it ..iam so depressed ..sometimes i feel like i cant take this situation anymore so thinking about killing myself but i know thats just stupid so i keep on crying & keeping things inside myself … there are a lot more details on whats going on with them ..i just wanna know what should i do ? i mean i know this is gonna end up to a divorce …& idont want that! i used to be so happy & stuff but know im like so quiet and dont really like having fun, i kinda went Emo…the only thing that relaxes me is listening to heavy metal , Emo, alternative songs , even my friends have noticed that but i dont really like talking about my problems with the others well only one of my friends know bout this but all she does is listening but i need to know what im supposed to do!
thanx-

I’m so, so sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult position. The first thing you do is stop doing a whole lot of what you’re doing. Your mother’s text messages and chats are her business, not yours. You already know enough. Reading more of them only makes you feel worse.

I don’t know if your mother asked you to keep this secret or if you’ve taken that burden on yourself. Either way, it’s much too heavy a load for a 15-year-old — even for a smart, sensitive teen like yourself. A heart-to-heart talk with your mom is way overdue. Tell your mother that you know what she is up to and that it is hurting you terribly. Let her know that you feel like you are caught in the middle between two parents you love and that it is just too much for you to handle anymore. Ask her to be honest with your dad and to either work things out or not but not to keep you and your brother in such an emotionally difficult situation.

If your mother asks you to keep the secret, it’s really unfair. Tell her that it hurts you to be asked to betray your dad the way she is. Make no promises. If this gets to be just too, too hard, think about whether there is a relative or another trusted adult you can bring into your confidence who can give you support and advice.

If your parents do divorce, it’s very, very important that you understand that it’s not your fault for getting this out in the open. Clearly your folks have had problems for years. Those problems have nothing to do with you and your brother. You can still have two parents who love you even if they don’t love each other.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My mother never recovered from divorce

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My parents got divorced in 2004. My mother has never recovered, she has severe mood swings, i think she may be bipolar.
When I was six years old in 1998, my father moved our family to Germany because he was in the army. I had an amazing childhood. When I was twelve in 2004, my father had to go to Iraq. My mother thought it would be best if she moved my brother and I back to the U.S., where we would have family support. I was very depressed because my dad was my hero and I blamed my mom for everything that went wrong. I felt like no one understood me, mostly because we live in a very remote and rural part of the state. When my dad came back, he wanted a divorce from my mother. A few years earlier, my mother had to have surgery on her hip. my dad left her in the hospital and met a woman at a bar. They hooked up and my mom was devestated. But he promised he’d never do it again.

Well as it turns out, he was divorcing my mother for that same woman who had kept in contact with him throughout the years. My mom, even then, wanted him and would have taken him back. She was so depressed. She wouldn’t get out of her bed for days, all she did was eat. She is currently over 270 and she would be so beautiful if she could lose weight. We have moved to several states just trying to escape our problems. I’m getting ready to go to college and I got a scholarship to pay for my tuition but not my room and board so my mom said she’d move there with me. But for the past few years, she has literally acted fine one second and crazy the next. She gets mad over the tiniest things and then she blames my brother and I for making her feel worthless and miserable. Then the next morning she’ll say she’s sorry and she loves us soooo much. It it tearing my little brother to peices and I am so nervous sometimes that I can’t sit still.

I’ve tried to tell her that she needs some therapy and she just blows up. She’ll say ” Your just like your dad and you make me miserable, I know you hate me, I’m sorry I bend over backwards for you to have a good life, Etc…” She’s recently started calling me a b–, and I asked her why she would do that? She says she says it because that’s how I act? I am grouchy sometimes, I’m not perfect, no one is but I am so extremely stressed. My little brother is constantly getting stomach ulcers from stress. It’s making all of us physically ill. What should I do?
Thank you so much for you time!!!

I’m very, very sorry you and your family are going through such a hard time. I’m very glad you wrote. You are carrying far too heavy a load for a high school student. I can tell that you are very worried about your brother’s welfare as well as your own and your mom’s. You were right to ask for some help.

It sounds to me like your mother’s behavior may well be because she has been unable to fully grieve her marriage and move on. She is stuck in anger, sadness, and bitterness. Terrified that she is somehow at fault, she looks for someone else to blame. Then she comes to her senses and apologizes. I’m sure she does love you and your brother. But her distress is bigger than even her love for you. That gives us some idea of how big her pain is.

You mentioned that your family moved back to the states so you could have family support. Now is the time to ask for some. Do your relatives know how bad it is? Is there someone who can take on caring for your mother and brother so you can go off to college without them (and without feeling guilty)? Do relatives have other ways to provide you all with some practical and emotional assistance?

If you don’t have relatives you can confide in, I encourage you to enlist the help of your school counselor or some other adult you trust. You all could use some family therapy to help get the family back into balance. Your mother needs help. You and your brother shouldn’t be trying to hold the family together on your own. You all need support as you learn how to function as a family of 3. If your mom won’t go, do go yourself. A therapist will help you find resources for your family and will help you figure out what to do next. Look into whether you are covered by insurance. If not, ask your doctor or school counselor to help you find a free mental health clinic or program for teens.

In the meantime: If things get really tough and you need someone to talk to, the counselors at the Boys and Girls Town Hotline are available 24/7. The service is free. Their number is: 800-448-3000. Here’s the website.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Long History of Mental Abuse

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m an 18yr old high school drop out. I’ve suffered from mental abuse since I was around three..but now that I can actually get out on my own, I can’t because my stepdad has trapped me.
I guess I’ll start from the beginning. I’ve never met my biological father. My mom had left him when I wasn’t even a year old yet. When I was two, almost three, my mom starting dating my stepdad. They got a place together and eventually got married when I was around six. My stepdad has mentally & phisically abused me. When I was little, I was a skinny, entergetic, little girl. Then my stepdad decided I wasn’t eating enough so he started making me eat more food at dinner then he could. Half the time my mom would wait til he left the kitchen then throw it away, then they’d fight about it all the time. They fought alot over how he treated us kids. one time he hit me in the head with a plastic baseball bat my dog chewed up and cut y head open. My mom left him for like three days then we were back. Stuff like this continued until I was 13, then they got a divorce.

Finally, I thought to myself I can get away from him. Well my mom met a guy, who shes now married to. She kicked me out because I confronted her new man about wasting all of the rent money on pills. The only other place for me to go was back to my stepdads. It was different for the first few months when I moved back out, but his act wore off. Instead of forcing me to eat 2 heaping plates at each meal, he started the mental abuse. Putting me down about my weight & other things. Then he got me a car. When that happened I was never home. I was always gone to escape him. He didn’t care. thats what he really wanted, for me to be out of his hair so he could bring a different girl home every night from the bar. I was basically just the housemaid, he’d call when the house needed work, or he needed groceries. But his plans backfired. He thought he was sterile, well aparently not, because now he has a ten month old little girl. He really started being mean when she came home. He had to fight with the CPS for months before she came home. Then he started acting like I was supposed to take care of her ALL of the time. He stared cussing me out at least twice a day. Well finally on monday feb 21st, he starts yelling at me, telling me I’m worthless & that i never do anything for anyone but myself & things like that. I told him how i felt about how he’d been treating me lately and he said fine, get the f*** out. It’s been a week now and havent talked to him. I’m stuck and I dont know what to do. My car broke down yesterday, my cellphone broke so all the job applications I put in cant call now. And no one can help me. It just seems like I’m going to have to go back out to him like he wants, and have to continue putting up with his abuse. But for me thats not an option. I dont know if you’ll be able to tell me any advice, but I jus needed to tell somebody my story. Thanks for your time.

You are right. What you are describing is abuse and neglect. None of the so-called adults in your life seem very adult at all. I’m worried for you. I’m worried for your little half-sister. It must feel to you like there is nowhere to turn. Going back to your stepdad doesn’t feel like an option but you don’t see others.

At 18, you no longer qualify for help from CPS, it’s true. But you can probably get help from the local domestic violence program. The phone number for the Family Crisis Intervention Center is 304-428-2333 or 1-800-794-2335. There also appears to be a food pantry and a homeless shelter within 20 miles of your town. Often such places have counselors on site who can help you figure out where to get the supports you need. Meanwhile, if you need someone to talk to, call the Boys and Girls Town Hotline at 800-448-3000. Counselors are available 24/7 to help young people like yourself.

I’m so very sorry you didn’t get the kind of family every child deserves to have. But you don’t have to accept your stepdad’s judgment of you. Therre is so much more to you than being a “high school dropout.” Your letter shows that you have a core of strength in you that you can build on once you are more on your own.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Am I talking myself out of being happy?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, I am writing because I feel like my life has been a vortex of chaos for the past several years and I’m having trouble fighting down the depression.

I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband that lasted for more than a dozen years. Our divorce was finalized last year. I am pretty sure he is bipolar, possibly borderline personality disorder, definitely an extreme narcissist, though he will not seek any mental health services. During our marriage, things were never “right”. We always had a very tumultuous relationship, always fighting. We have three children together. He never kept a job for very long. Every time we got any kind of financial stability, he’d jeopardize it by getting fired, again. I have had the same employer for over a decade and maintain the income and benefits my family needs.

His behavior became more and more erratic, and violent. He finally left after the verbal and emotional abuse escalated to physical violence, and he started beating our daughter and pulling out a loaded gun during our arguments. He always threatened that he would ruin my life if I ever left him, and it took me years to work up the courage to do it, but now that I did, he’s making good on the threats.

The stalking began when I officially filed for divorce, after a year long separation, which is required in my state. He found out that I had been seeing another man after he left. He started making incessant, harassing phone calls to me at home, on my cell, at work, and to follow me around when I was out on errands, leave veiled threats in his voice messages, call everyone in my address book that I ever had any contact with, follow and harass the man I was dating. My ex-husband was convicted of poisoning this man’s animals in retaliation, and our 14-month dating relationship ended as a result.

I obtained a protective order, and have been in court ever since on civil and criminal matters (against my ex). I met another man and when we started dating, the stalking escalated to terrifying levels. I wound up marrying this man after 4 months together, because of my ex husband’s constant harassment, and his insistence on a no-cohabitation clause, I had to live alone or go to jail if I let him stay, so we got married. Since my new husband came into the picture, I feel much safer. We both felt like none of the choices we had at the time were good ones.

My husband and I have been together for 15 months now. He is older than me by a dozen years. Things have leveled off domestically, and though my older kids were not happy about the speed with which we got together and married, they have all adjusted pretty well. My youngest loves his step-father very much, and my oldest has grown to like him and respect him. She has no contact with her biological father at all and refuses to see him. My middle child is being ruthlessly manipulated by my ex and his family, and she has had a much harder time adjusting.

Since the kids bio-dad does not pay child support, my husband and I work very hard to support the family and the household. The stress of the events of the past few years have been enormous. I love my husband. He is a good man, he is kind, talented, sensitive, intelligent, and loving towards me.

Because of our age difference, we have mismatched sex drives. We had high frequency in the beginning, like all relationships, but that has slowed down considerably. A lot of it is attributable to our level of fatigue and lack of privacy, since we almost never have any time alone without the kids. There have been a few health issues and illnesses that have led to things tapering off, but now it seems like it’s in a spiral downwards.

I have told him that I feel unattractive and unloved when he refuses my advances, but that makes him defensive and even more withdrawn. I have stopped initiating all together because the rejection stings too much. A lot of times when we do finally have sex he seems halfhearted, and can’t stay hard or climax. That does a lot to dampen the entire situation. I am trying to be understanding, and patient. He is very affectionate otherwise. But I know that he is a very sexual person, and he’s not that old. I feel hurt and rejected and it’s hard for me not to just shut down or get upset.

I know that you will probably respond by saying that we didn’t date long enough before getting married. Considering the circumstances and what was going on, we didn’t feel like that was an option. We are committed to each other and we love each other very much. I know this is far from an ideal situation, but we are both dedicated to making it work, and things have gotten a lot better in other areas of life, and my children are doing so much better than they were a year or two ago, in just about every way. So, do I need to just swallow it and adjust? I’m afraid that, over time, the frustration will build up in me and make negative changes in my personality. I don’t know what to do, or if I am talking myself out of being happy.

Actually, I’m not going to tell you you didn’t date long enough before getting married. You love each other very much. Your husband has taken on the role of being a parent to your children. You got your children out of a dangerous situation and you are now offering them a healthier role model for what a marriage should be. This all sounds very positive to me.

I think your other guess may be more on target. Why on earth would you trust being happy? You’ve been through so much. The man you loved enough to marry turned out to be dangerous. The man you dated for awhile couldn’t take the stress of the situation and left. My guess is that there is at least a part of you that is waiting for your husband to turn on you too. Unable to take the tension, you might provoke the very thing you fear – just to get it over with.

Here’s the thing: You married a man who is 50. He isn’t that old but he is old enough to have some sexual performance issues. On top of that, he is working very hard to help you support the family financially and emotionally. He’s probably tired at the end of the day. He is also dealing with your disappointment that he isn’t able whenever you are willing. Fearing he’ll be a disappointment guarentees that he will be.

My suggestion? Slow way down. You two are still “dating” even though you are married. Try to let yourself rest easy in the love and care of someone who loves you enough to take on this whole package. There are many, many men who wouldn’t. If it’s possible, carve out some time for just the two of you to relax and snuggle each evening – with no expectation of sex. Just enjoy the luck of having found each other at this stage in your lives. If possible, find a way to have the house to yourselves now and then for some private intimate contact. Just enjoy getting to know each other’s bodies. Pleasure each other with back rubs and caresses. My guess is that if you can stop feeling defensive and “rejected”, and can instead focus on appreciating all you have, he will be able to relax and regain his sexual abilities.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Dealing With Fear, Anxiety, and PTSD

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Approximately 6 years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD after being pressured to undergo and abortion at 20 weeks gestation by my now ex husband. He threatened to take away my two other children, or kill me, and repeatedly drove me to abortion clinics. They have you speak to a counselor prior to undergoing the procedure, I would say no, and he would just drive me to another abortion clinic the next week. Finally I underwent the procedure, I was overcome by his constant threats. A few days later, as I was recovering from the procedure, I was overcome by guilt and grief for my baby, and I attempted suicide. After a few days in the pscych ward, my then husbands signed me out, telling them I would be in his care. I didn’t undergo any therapy at the time, I was sort of just speechless, could not verbally deal with what happened at all. Instead, a doctor put me on what I think was Celexa, which I remained on for about a year before weaning myself off of it. I never received additional treatment or therapy after leaving the hospital.

Years have passed, and 4 lawyers later I am finally divorced. I have managed to hold myself together enough to progress in my career, finish school, and by my first home for myself and my two children. However, since my divorce was finalized a couple of years after the incident, I have not been unable to maintain a dating relationship with anyone for more than a couple of months, and now I haven’t even had a date in over a year. Lately, I have been isolating myself from friends and family. I don’t feel like going out or socializing. Even socializing at work is painful for me. I feel awkward and ugly and just disconnected. It seems to be getting worse lately. I’m also increasingly jumpy and fearful, at any loud or sudden noise or movement. I can’ even watch a clip from a scary movie, and recently watched a cartoon movie with my kids and kept getting startled! I don’t want to be a fraidy cat or a socially inept, and alone forever. I really would like to date people, but I’m just too shy to talk to anyone that shows interest. I want my kids to grow up with a healthy, normal parent, I don’t want them to have any emotional problems from having such a weird mother. I know it’s going back quite a few years, but I keep thinking I should talk to someone about the whole issue that caused the PTSD, but at the same time, I don’t want to dig up old wounds,I cried just writing this. But my question is, how do I pick up and move forward, and fix all these horrible personality quirks I’ve developed?

Counseling could be very beneficial for you. I understand that much of your past is difficult to speak about. Ironically, that is precisely why counseling would be good for you.

You experienced trauma in your past relationship. It makes sense that you are now having trouble with the prospect of new and future relationships. You may also be experiencing depression symptoms. Your desire to isolate may be a sign of depression. The fact that you feel “awkward, ugly and disconnected” may be another sign. Feeling disconnected could also be a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The fact that you are easily startled may also be indicative of PTSD.

In your letter, you provided a logical rationale for why you should attend treatment. “I want my kids to grow up with a healthy, normal parent, I don’t want them to have any emotional problems from having such a weird mother.” Children see their parents as role models. They often learn how to behave based on how they see their parents behave. If a parent has depression, their children may be more likely to experience it at some point in their lives compared to children whose parents do not have the disorder. If you would like to read more about depression and its effect on children, please click here.

Counseling may be difficult but it is the right course of action. You’ve experienced significant trauma in your life. These experiences need to be dealt with for the purpose of improving the quality of your life and increasing your chances of a healthy relationship in the future. It is the right thing to do. It is also the responsible choice and it can help you immensely.

Lastly, one very important quality to note is your resiliency. Despite an unhappy and abusive marriage, you managed to continue your career, finish your education and purchase a home for your family. Those are major life accomplishments. You’ve done very well despite a difficult history. Now you are faced with another challenge in your life. This time, you may need assistance and support and that is why I am recommending therapy. Here is a link to Psychology Today. It may be able to help you locate a therapist in your community. Thanks for your question. I wish you well.

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Confusing Ex-Boyfriend

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My xboyfriend whom im inlove with is bipolar and confuses me so much…. wel my exboyfriend left me his excuse was he was abusing drugs and needed to clear up his act on his own and didnt want to drag me down with him….ever since we have not lost touch… but he has said soo many things… we kept seeing ea other up til nov.. i went on vaction to miami.. and a week before i left he said he loved me… and jus 1 day before my trip he told me he never loved me… on my way back we started txtn again..and he told me he jus wanted to curl up and die … and how horrible he felt..and stuff we kept in touch since again and out of nowhere he tells me he is in love with another girl who he lost his virginity to in the 8th grade.. that was about 7 yrs ago!how could that be.. he said he always loved her…so that made me feel so foolish and that he never loved me…any way about 2 weeks ago.. we met up and i poured my heart out to him…he explained to me he cared about me and didnt want to hurt me again and that he wanted to get married and he couldnt be with me bcuz i cant (im still in divorce process) he says he jus cant be with sum1 who is married… apparently he confeesed this was bothering him alll along… sumthing i was not aware of.. any way well the past 2 weeks he has been a total sweetheart telling me he loves and and jus on monday he said he wanted to work things out with me and wanted to give us another chance… but yesterday i called him and he was very mean and said very hurful things.. he said to txt him what i wanted to say so i did and he replied with vulgar words calling me names and sayin he wanted nothin to do with me.. i dont understand i love this guy and i’ve tried lookin past things like this many times but this time it was jus soo from one day to the next and it hurt me very much… i want to know if this could be a cause of bipolar disorder or he is jus like that? also he never told me he was bipolar i know this because one night he told me he ran out of seriquol which he said was for imsomnia but i know its for bipolar depression..which couldve been a cause of his meth use.. i jus want to know if i should take things personally or try not to and jus be patient with him…..and do i need to leave him alone when he reacts this way to me give him space or somthing?

This is a complicated relationship. He wants to be with you one day and the next he says something very mean and hurtful. It is difficult for you to determine what is happening. One thing is for certain: if he is using drugs it will be very difficult or impossible to have a stable relationship with him. People who are using drugs are not thinking clearly. Their judgment is impaired. They do not make good candidates for relationships. Individuals who are in relationships with addicts liken their significant other’s drug of choice to having a third person in the relationship (i.e. “the other woman” or the “other man”). That’s because their significant other often chooses the drug over them, or at least that is what it feels like. Until he stops using drugs and is more mentally stable, I would advise against pursuing this relationship.

You wanted to know if having bipolar disorder could explain his behavior. Part of why you believe that he might have bipolar disorder is because he is taking the medication Seroquel. Seroquel is an antipsychotic medication that is typically prescribed for psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. It may be prescribed for other uses such as bipolar disorder, specifically for an acute manic phase or possibly insomnia but generally it’s prescribed to reduce symptoms associated with psychotic disorders. He may have bipolar disorder but it is possible that he has a psychotic disorder such as schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. The only way to know may be to ask him if he has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or any other disorder.

You also said that he was out of the medication Seroquel. If he has not been taking it as prescribed then this could possibly explain his irrational behavior. If medication is not taken properly it can cause mental instability.

How should you move forward in this relationship? You should suggest that he seek psychiatric help. I suggest this for two reasons. One is because he is abusing drugs and alcohol. He may need to enter rehabilitation or at the very least to see a therapist to examine why he’s using drugs and alcohol. Secondly, you should suggest that he contact his doctor. If he’s out of his medication then he needs to let the doctor know. Once back on the medication his behavior and overall mental health may stabilize.

As indicated above, I do not think he’s in a place psychologically where he can have a healthy relationship with you. He’s dealing with many issues that are unresolved (i.e. drugs, possible psychotic disorder). I do not think it is advisable for you to pursue a relationship with him at this time. Perhaps after he receives professional help he may be in a better position to have a relationship with you. Until then I doubt it will be possible. Thanks for writing. Please take care.

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Teen daughter out of control

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have a 16 year old daughter that is having several issues. Recently her mother decided she no longer needed to attend school as she wasn’t passing her class. Her mother informed the school that she would no longer be attending.My 16 year old smokes pot in her room, has male friends over with the door closed and I have suspicions she is having intercourse in her room with her boyfriend. Her curfew is non-existent.

When I try to control the situation I am told that she is just being a teenager and that I need to back off. Once I was away on a trip and my daughter had a party and the police were called to the home. I did not find out until 3 weeks after my trip and I had to hear in from my neighbor. When I did find out I was furious. I did yell and I grounded her but when I did my 23 year old daughter threw me into a computer desk and slapped me in my face. My wife then told me to leave and that she was divorcing me. One other time my 16 year old pushed me down a flight of stairs when I tried to get escort her friends out of the home. That resulted in the threat of divorce once again. But when I refuse to come home my wife threatens suicide.I can’t win for losing here…

My 23 year old lets my 16 year olds boyfriend live at her apartment because he ran away but the kicker is his mom doesn’t care. They tried getting me to allow him to live at our home. So far I have been successful in stopping that from happening but that has driven a wedge further in to the family.

My clothes have been thrown out into the snow and I was told that if I don’t stop yelling I was going to be “taken care of.”

Now, I have talked nice, setup family meetings to go over rules and asked that we all go see someone. They all tell me that I need to just back off and let my 16 year old grow up. Their main problem with me is that I yell about these issues after asking nicely over and over and asking for them to cooperate. I do get very angry but I have never once been physical.

I make a good living but my wife makes sure she transfers my pay into a different account each payday. If I do leave she threatens suicide and my daughters call and text me that they will make my life miserable if I don’t go home to their mother. In other words they will make trouble for me at my place of employment.

Lately I have been feeling paranoid at home when I go to sleep. Leaving aside the doors opening and closing at all hours of the night which really freaks me out, and I know this sounds stupid but maybe my mental state and lack of sleep are getting to me. I just feel threatened all the time but even more so when I go to sleep. Every little noise makes me jump. I feel like I am going to be attacked when I sleep.

I have tried to bend to their way of thinking and how they live life but I just can’t get my mind to go there. I refuse to live in a lawless home with no moral compass but I am trapped by threats of violence, suicide and lack of access to funds.

I have told my wife we are critical and we need serious help but she refuses. I really have no options in this situation. My job is the only thing keeping me sane and if I try and leave my home my job is in jeopardy. I feel like disappearing without a trace is my only option.

You are living in an atmosphere of domestic violence. If the genders were reversed and you were the woman in the situation, help would be more readily available. But violence is violence. You are being physically and emotionally abused. Your wife isn’t partnering with you to raise your daughters. Your daughters have assaulted you. And your wife uses emotional blackmail by threatening suicide to control you. It sounds like you are being bullied by all three women and only valued for your paycheck. It’s no wonder you’re feeling beaten down.

I’m sure the situation is more complicated than you could fully describe in a letter. There may be good reasons why you are convinced you can’t do anything. But I do have a few suggestions for you to consider.
First, if your workplace has an “employee assistance program” (EAP) , you could access some confidential help there. EAP counselors can make some practical suggestions and can refer you to a mental health professional and to a lawyer. I think you need both:

  • You were absolutely correct to suggest to your family that you all need help. But since they won’t go, go yourself. A counselor will help you regain your emotional strength, will give you much needed support, and may well have some ideas for how to bring your family into treatment. If your company doesn’t have an EAP to help you locate a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral.
  • I suggest a lawyer because I think you need to find out what your rights are regarding protection from violence and threats, as well as your rights regarding how your pay is used. There may be a way for you to protect some of your money. If you had a bank account of your own, you wouldn’t feel quite so trapped.

You made an important first step in writing to us at Psych Central. Please now follow through and get the help you need. No one deserves this kind of treatment (even people who yell). You need to extricate yourself from this situation both for your own sake and for the sake of your daughters. This is not a healthy way for anyone to live and it certainly isn’t a positive model for how family life should be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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