Dorm Room Archives

Everything just seems to be slipping out of my grasp lately. I love my girlfriend with all of my heart and our relationship’s on the rocks. It’s all my fault most likely all i do is constantly worry about everything. She gets mad when i cant trust her yet shes always lieing to me about things. I don’t like it when she drinks, not only is she underage but something always bad happens when she does, and she lies about drinking.

I feel like all i do is annoy her because all i want to do is see her because it’s the only thing that makes me happy, makes my life worth living. She doesn’t care, she just cares about her bestfriends always leaving me behind, hurting. She doesn’t care anymore it seems about us, it’s leaving me so depressed, i have no one to talk to. I need to talk to you and i need advice, please….

I can understand why you feel like nothing is going right. You seem to be a very loyal person who has invested his heart in someone who can’t return that loyalty and love. There must be something very sweet about her at times for you to continue to pursue her. But I don’t see much hope for a future for the two of you. You are looking for stability. She seems to mainly want to party. The result is that you feel constantly let down and lonely.

I think you would feel better if you took more charge of your life. You are in a college where there are lots of opportunities. Join something. That’s right. Join something where there are people who share some of your interests. Shared interests are the basis of good friendships. You’re not going to find people to talk to by sitting in your dorm room nursing a depression. You will find them out on campus doing interesting things. Tell your girlfriend that you want to start seeing other people and get up the courage to do it. You don’t have to settle for a bad relationship. There are lots of women out there looking for a guy who is loyal and who wants to talk about things. Give yourself the time to find a woman who is as into you as you are into her. Chances are you’ll find her in one of those organizations I’m talking about.

You made an important first step in taking charge of things by writing to us. Now take the next step. Check out the directory of organizations and clubs at your school and promise yourself that you will check out at least 4 of them. Give it an honest try. Show up at meetings. Participate. Ask questions. Get involved. Then make some choices about where to spend your time. Meanwhile, get engaged with your classes! Do the reading. Ask interesting questions. Some of the best friendships (and relationships) develop in college when people in a class start really getting involved with the material and with each other. That experience is, after all, what you and your parents are spending big bucks for you to have.

Depression feeds on itself. As long as you do nothing, you are only going to get more depressed. Gather up whatever energy you have and start to make these positive changes.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

This is a very, very, very long-winded story. I’m going to keep it as short and sweet as possible. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years and we love each other very very much. In the beginning of our relationship, we participated in various forms of outercourse, none though that involved being naked. After the beginning phase of our relationship died down a bit, so did the constant fooling around, which was fine with me. We still would every week or so, both of us living with our parents made it a bit difficult, etc.

Fast-forward a bit now, and we are both in college. We go to separate schools, but see each other 5 days a week. Now with me having my own dorm room and such, we have a bit more freedom. This is where the issue comes in. We have only really been able to fool around a bit twice, with almost 6 months of separation between the two times. The reason is after our first time of fooling around, my girlfriend spent the next month in crippling anxiety about being pregnant. Even after her period came, she still was terrified that she was somehow pregnant. Note: she was on the pill, and I did not orgasm near her vagina. This fear causes her not only to not want to fool around, but also rarely have any sexual desires, such as dry humping, etc.

She NEVER, I mean EVER wants to have children. Being a mother is not, will not, and never has been for her. I don’t feel quite as strongly, but I don’t have any real desire for children either.

The issue is we both are ready to have sex. We love each other, trust each other, and feel as though as a couple, we are ready. The issue is she feels this uncontrollable fear of sex. No matter want, even though we plan to use pill+condom+pullout (statistics on the chance are incredibly minute), she still is terrified. She knows this fear is irrational, and she absolutely hates it. She knows she shouldn’t have this fear as strong as she does, and she feels totally debilitated by it.

I try my best to be supportive. I try not to pressure her, to not bring up things like sexual desires to often, and to be as supportive and understanding as I can. It just is very frustrating at times being so sexually and physically attracted to her, coupled with deep and intense desires of passion and intimacy, and her not being able to give that back due to her fear. We both want to be together very badly, but the fear is really hurting that.

I know 2 things many people say, and that don’t help. One is the married thing. I am going to be in college for 7 more years. I refuse to get married while in college. So please, do not say marriage, because also that doesn’t address the fear. The second is her talking to a therapist. She does not have the income or insurance to afford it.

We were on the phone today, and she was crying and so upset, and I felt terrible that I couldn’t say or do anything to help. Please provide any help if you can, thank you.

It can be a very difficult thing to have such a monumental issue as a roadblock to intimacy. But I applaud your sensitivity and caring. No matter how the solution presents itself your warm attention to your girlfriend can only help.

But I am afraid I am going to disappoint you at some level, because while I would not encourage you to get married as a solution, I would have to say that ongoing therapy is where the real promise is for change. There are blogs about tocophobia (fear of pregnancy) as well as information about a possible differential label genophobia, fear of sex, but it appears you have both done your homework on the symptoms. The real struggle is working through the issue, and (here comes the disappointing part) therapy is the clear option.

But money might not be the barrier you believe it is. As she is in college the university should be well equipped to cope with her needs. The counseling divisions of most universities have very experienced therapists used to dealing with issues of sex and intimacy. Additionally, The National Organization for Women has chapters in nearly every county in every state and you can access your area by simply putting in your zip code. If she contacts them (and she should rather than you) they can direct her to the closest women’s center. Both colleges and women’s centers have support groups and therapists offering therapy for little or no fee.

But the big-ticket item here is your support: It is priceless.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

Dorm Room

Feel Like My Life is Slipping Away

Fear of Sex? Or Tocophobia?