Tag:

Emotional Manipulation

My Boss Insists My First Hand Experiences Don’t Happen

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 3rd, 2024

From the Arabian Gulf: My boss, also a “friend”, has – multiple times over the last couple years – insisted that first hand experiences of mine never happened. She will literally dig in her heels, turn pink and argue with me relentlessly that what I’m saying didn’t happen, despite it being my experience, her not being there, and the issue not being all that important. It’s infuriating. And when I stand my ground she doubles down on her argument, especially if there are staff or her family around. She’s never done it in front of HER friends.

This is far from the only issue. She will lie about her level of knowledge of various issues (she already knows someone I mention – I know though that she doesn’t; or she already knew work info that she clearly was confused about before I explained it). She speaks with complete authority and what seems like absolute belief in her perspective and position. It makes my skin crawl. I could go on and on. But really what I need to know is how to handle her insistence on questioning (in absolute terms) the reality of my first hand personal/professional experiences. It’s the one thing she does by which I actually feel damaged.

You are a highly educated professional woman. It could be that your boss feels threatened by you. She is therefore engaging in what is called “gas lighting”. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse. To gain more power, the abuser makes a victim question her own perceptions of reality, her judgment, and her feelings. Gaslighters keep their victim confused by a variety of methods. For example, they act as if they have the victim’s best interests at heart or they suggest they are the only person who cares or that they are the best friend the victim has. Over time, the constant questioning of their reality and shifting of the relationship gradually wears the victim down.

If this person were a friend or family member, I’d suggest you take as much distance from her as you could. But the fact that she is your boss complicates things considerably. Do start looking for another job. You will never win an argument with her. She is not interested in advancing your career. Regardless of what she says during friendly moments, she is undermining your self-esteem and your belief in yourself.

In the meantime here are some suggestions for what to do:

Stop arguing. You will get nowhere. She needs to be right and she needs you to agree that she is right in order to feel like she is in charge.
Develop techniques to “agree” with her without agreeing. Try sentences like: “You may be right.” “I’ll think about it.” “That’s a really interesting perception.” The goal is to give yourself room to change the subject or leave the conversation without either fighting or giving in.
Find yourself a good support network of people who are not involved with your boss. You need people who can remind you that you are not crazy, that your perceptions aren’t wrong, and that you are an amazing, good person.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 3, 2024 0 comment

Silent Break-Up

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 6th, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Greece: I broke up with my fiancé. I am 33 and he is 35. We were together for 6 years and the last 2 we were engaged. I was the one that left the house because the last months he was has pressure from his job and also he was telling me that I was putting pressure on him. He didn’t want to talk with me and when I was trying to make conversations he was telling that I was nagging and he was leaving.

The day that I left I was calling him to bring some stuff home .I called him around 3 times and he didn’t pick up the phone and the 4th time that he answered it, when I asked him where are you he started screaming at me, then he came home he broke up my mobile and he continue to scream and telling me now I will see how you are going to call me. He made me really upset and I told him that it is enough and I am leaving. He didn’t do anything and he left from the house. I took some stuff and I left and came to my parent’s house.

After 5 days he deleted me from fb and put on that he is single. He didn’t try to contact me and I didn’t contact him as well. After 17 days he came at my parent;s garden and he left bags with my clothes and other stuff, and he called my brother to tell him that he left my stuff in the garden. Again he didn’t contact me. 24 days after I left the house and a week after he brought my stuff he contacted me for the first time now by a text in which he was writing next week I will bring you some of your furniture. During these days I called him twice, but he never answered my calls. Why he has this behavior? What I must do?

I’m sure this is very painful. It sounds like he has been planning to leave for some time, but you were caught completely by surprise. Your boyfriend is the only person who can answer your question about his behavior. I suspect he doesn’t answer your calls because he doesn’t want you to try to talk him out of leaving.

I think you should calmly ask him to meet with you to help you understand what has come between you. Let him know that as much as you’d like him to change his mind, you won’t put pressure on him. Tell him that you need to hear from his perspective what happened to the love between you. That is the path to forgiveness and to moving on.

Then keep your word. Do your best to simply hear what he has to say. Don’t try to persuade or convince him to come back. Just tell him how you feel about him and ask him to rethink his position. Staying calm will be difficult for you but it is the only way you will get the information you are looking for.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

February 6, 2024 0 comment

My Boyfriend Berates Me about My Past

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 30th, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been very good friends with my boyfriend for 15 years. We started dating 2 years ago. Since he was my good friend he knows every single detail about my past. I was very young and dumb and have done a lot sexual experiences with about 25 -30 partners.

Any time we fight, he calls me a pig, whore, slut and even c*nt. He berates me because I cannot give him my exact number of my sexual partners. When we first started dating he took things extremely slow, wanted to wait to have sex. Well, his true feelings about me being a pig etc. has broken me down to the point where I cannot even kiss him. How can someone that loves you speak to you like this?

I confront him and tell him this is abuse. He denies it.

He knows I spent a period alone in a very dark place where I did seek therapy because I was very depressed and my past being one of the reasons. (this was before he and I started dating). I came to realize my past is my past and that’s not who I am today and I am a great person. He knows I went through this and still emotionally beats me down because I am not sad about my past anymore.

My wild past took place approximately 13 years ago. He was not my bf. He has his own gf that he later married and had children with. When that marriage failed we connected.

How can someone talk to someone they love like this? Why does he think this is ok? Do I deserved to be punished for my past?

I want nothing more in my life to have a family of my own. I’m in my mid 30’s and I feel like I will never have that and it breaks my heart.

Please help me. (From USA)

You don’t need his permission to label this as abuse. His verbal abuse has to do with his insecurity, immaturity, and lack of respect for you. This is about his shortcomings — not yours.

If this is the bottom line. If this is how he thinks of you when there is any kind of a conflict, then the real question isn’t how he can talk to you like this and think it’s okay — It is why you allow yourself to stay with him? You do not deserve to be punished for your past, but you are responsible for how you live your future. I’d let him know that if he berates you about your past that you will have to breakup with him. You don’t want to sell yourself short by having a family with a man who thinks so little of you.

If you do break up you’ll want to use some therapy to help with the transition.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

April 30, 2022 0 comment

My Brother Needs Help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 25th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I believe my brother suffers from a severe personality disorder. He is 21 years old. He is extremely aggressive when he doesn’t get his way, he verbally abuses those that are close to him because “we don’t ever help him with anything”. He’s incredibly lazy, refuses to work and uses my parents divorce as an excuse to be “depressed” and miss work.

I know that it’s more of his lies, because I went to my mother’s house where he lives and saw him hanging out with his girlfriend, laughing and smoking marijuana. He constantly blames everyone else for his problems and he’s a compulsive liar, he will literally [lie] about something he did right in your face. He constantly claims that he wants to kill himself, but I know he’s too much of a coward to do so, I believe it just another one of his manipulation schemes.

Yesterday he got into a huge fight with my ill mother about the dog in the house, she is no condition to take care of herself let alone a dog and she asked him to get rid of him. His response to this situation was to go to the animal shelter and put the dog to sleep, after that he came back home with the dog in the trunk and proceeded to show my mom what he did, then he facetimed me on the phone to show me the dead dog.

I know my brother needs real help, but he’s completely unwilling and we cant control him considering he’s a semi-professional MMA (mixed martial arts) fighter. My parents and I are devastated and have no idea what to do with him anymore.

I don’t know if your brother has a personality disorder. I do think he’s a bully. Why, oh why, is he living with his ill mother? I would think the incident with the dog would be the last straw.

Nowhere is it written that parents have to continue to care for a 21 year old who is disrespectful, mean and manipulative. Millions of kids go through their parents divorce. It’s often not easy, it’s true. But most get on with their adult lives. Your brother is playing on your parents’ feelings of guilt and obligation. He is misusing their love.

With all good intentions, your family is enabling a bully. It’s long past time for calling things as they are. If your brother has money for marijuana, training, and a girlfriend, he probably has money to find a room somewhere. If he can’t be grateful for family support and make solid contributions to the household (both financial and doing chores), he shouldn’t be living off his mom. Give him a deadline for shaping up or shipping out.

Do be prepared for an adult version of a tantrum. Bullies don’t give up easily. He will only take the family seriously if you are serious. If he threatens suicide, call the police to get him to the local crisis team for evaluation for possible hospitalization. Ditto if he threatens to harm anyone else.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

February 25, 2022 0 comment

How Do We Help Delusional Relative Who Is in Another Country?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 9th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Australia: My sister in law, who currently lives in Canada, has been diagnosed with a psychological disorder. She seems to have been tipped into delusional thinking 12 months ago when her ex husband filed divorce proceedings. She has always had OCD and paranoid tendencies but never delusional as she is now.

She has no family and possibly only a couple of new friends around her as she only just 2.5 years ago moved to the city for his work. She has no work and though a resident she is not a citizen.

She was committed to a mental health unit a few months back after she called police about her safety and security – she believed the house is being watched, phones bugged, computer hacked and was unable to go out without fearing she was followed or conversations overheard. She has been prescribed medication and group therapy however all conversations with her from her Australian family indicate she is unable to function.

She needs to finalise the divorce proceedings to be financially supported but is unable to accept that her ex wants to divorce her. He is planning to sell the house she is living in and the divorce papers are being processed. She refuses to accept any of this and pack to leave the house, believing that he is being coerced and eventually will come back to her and we are lying when we say the house is on the market etc, even though she has the paperwork saying otherwise. Her ex has been gently trying to get her to understand that he is divorcing her for 2 years now.

How do we communicate with her so that we can support her to at least come back to Australia for a time. Her conversations are totally irrational and her mood swings from dispare to elation within moments -with a delusional positive or negative thought and she gets very agitated and irrational as soon as we mention anything related to her leaving. What do we say or do to help her?

Family have stayed for 3 weeks with her on 2 occasions but as she is manipulative, delusional and paranoid she is unable to take the steps she needs to. She will not seek therapy support. She started group therapy but we are not sure she is continuing as she says she doesn’t need it. Help — how do we managed this!?

Sadly, this may have to get worse before it gets better. You’ve already done what I would suggest. As you already discovered, this can’t be handled long distance by phone and email. It needs people’s presence and persistence. But you did that with your visits. She also may need more time in a hospital to stabilize her medications and to establish the value of therapy. But she has already had one such stay.

It may require another crisis — and another hospitalization — to give you some leverage with her. In this sense, it might be more helpful for her husband to move ahead with his plans than to continue to try to reason with her. His gentle approach has inadvertently helped her remain convinced that he doesn’t mean it.

While she is in hospital, you could request a family meeting to learn more about her state of mind and to ask for advice about how best to support her. My hope is that such a meeting would persuade her to return to your country where she has on-going support. But she may not agree to do that.

I don’t know enough about Canadian law to advise you about whether there is anything you can do to compel her to accept treatment and go where she is loved and cared for. In your shoes, I would check with a lawyer to see.

Meanwhille, you are in the very difficult position of having to watch someone you love self-destruct. There’s nothing I can say to make that any easier. If there is a support group in your area for relatives of people who are mentally ill, I do urge you to attend. Such groups often provide both information and emotional support that are helpful.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 9, 2022 0 comment