Tag:

Emotional Maturity

Am I Jealous or Just Insecure?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 11th, 2022

I’m a really quiet 20-year-old girl. I don’t smoke, I don’t go partying. I moved to Canada a year ago and I met my boyfriend. He is amazing and I don`t really have anything to complain about him as a boyfriend.

The thing is, he is 7 years my senior. This hasn’t been an issue given I’m “mature” for my age, but every time I think of him with all the other girls he’s been with.. I have a really bad time. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of that and it’s worse when I think of it during sex. I don’t think I’m pretty and I’ve seen pics of his ex’s (because I’ve seached them) and they are so much prettier than me.

We will start living together in October-November and I get so jealous when I remember he lived with his ex of 5 years. He says he didn’t love her much and he never wanted to marry her, but he wants to marry me (He has even asked for my finger size). He cheated on her and she cheated on him, and he has told me stories because he says he doesn’t want to lie to me, but it worries me he might do that to me. Once a player…

I just want help on how to stop thinking about when he had sex with other people, his ex of 5 years, how do I know he has changed and how can I feel prettier and enough for him? This is really destroying me because everything is in my head… all images and overthinking. What can I do?

Also, he talks about partying and his “youth” and I know I will start college in January and I’ll have new friends and go out with them but sometimes I feel like I’m missing out even if I don’t want to be one of those girls.

thanks

You won’t like what I’m going to say but it must be said: You are in no way ready to move in with your boyfriend. I think your obsession with his past is how you are telling yourself exactly that.

You say that you are quiet, that you don’t like to party and that you are just about to start college. You’ve been with your guy for less than a year. My best guess is that you are clinging to this relationship because you are nervous about launching a new life at school.

Furthermore, you are not as mature as you think you are. You worry about whether you are pretty enough and you have gone searching for pictures of your boyfriend’s exes. Those behaviors do not indicate maturity and positive self-esteem.

College means new friends, new experiences, experimentation with new ideas and a developing sense of self. It is a difficult but very important transition for many young people. But it is an important time of self-discovery. All that will be minimized or even eliminated if you are trying to make a home and a life with your boyfriend.

Being 7 years your senior, your boyfriend has already gone through that developmental transition. He knows who he is and what he wants. From what you told us, I don’t think he’s a “player”. I think he reacted in an immature way to his cheating girlfriend when he was young. If he has matured, he will understand that you need time to do the same personal work that he did.

My advice to you is that you and your boyfriend take a big step back. By all means, enjoy each other’s company. But don’t be exclusive for at least a year. A 7 year age difference isn’t necessarily a big one, but this happens to be an important 7 years. You need to have the freedom to explore yourself and relationships before you commit to a lifetime with your current boyfriend.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 11, 2022 0 comment

Should I Call Off the Wedding?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 1st, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am a 22 year old recent graduate and my fiance is 30 years old and a hard worker as a business analyst. We started dating when I was 18 (he was 26). We dated through my years at school, he broke up with me shortly twice in our earlier time together (my family was not very accepting of me dating and he saw that). Later when I moved to Dallas for the last two years of nursing school, we decided to move in together.

By the end of the summer, I realized I wasn’t ready to live with someone esp since school and my career as a nurse was extremely important to me. When I moved out, we broke up for a month and stared dating again. In all my four years at school I never went “out” or attended parties. I was very focused on nursing and I felt it was inappropriate to go out with friends to bars/ clubs when I was in a serious relationship.

A year ago he asked me to marry him, I was elated and said yes. We are very close/ good friends and easily made plans for the future. We are now 10 months from the wedding (I wanted to finish school and start working comfortably before marrying so we planned a 2 year engagement).

I never thought my being 22 would be a problem, I have always been kind of conservative. However lately since I have had time off before my new job I am realizing I may not be ready for marriage or as conservative as I thought. I can see a great future with him and he loves me very much, but I also have so many independent things I want to accomplish and frankly living together recently has made me want to be more independent.

Its difficult to think of hurting the man I love and call my friend. I find myself wanting to save for grad school, decorate my own place (which I don’t have), and spend more time with my friends as well as actually go out. I am very confused and have had anxiety about whether to call off the wedding. I do frequently miss dating also, since I haven’t dated someone else since I was 17. Any thoughts on if this may be something I can work on with him or am I just not ready to dedicate my life to someone else?

Sometimes when we ask a question, we already have the answer. I don’t think your ambivalence about getting married is a case of having cold feet. I think you’ve made a reasonable assessment of your own situation.

Often people who started dating when they were in high school just kind of slide into marriage. They and the people around them just seem to think it’s the next logical step in the relationship. Sometimes it works out fine. But sometimes it is at the cost of finding out who they are as individuals and discovering what (and who) they want in life. It’s not at all uncommon to find that the person they chose at 15 or 17 isn’t necessarily the kind of person they would choose as an adult. This realization is often painful for everyone concerned.

In your case, your fiance is enough older than you are that he probably did have the time to come into himself before he met you. You on the other hand, were in a different developmental stage. Having denied yourself experiences that are common during the college years, you now find yourself on the brink of making a lifelong commitment to someone else when you aren’t really sure who you are.

It’s not my place to tell you what to do. Only you can search your heart and mind and decide what is best for both of you. But I will venture that it is not fair to a future partner (or to yourself) to launch into marriage with significant doubts.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

July 1, 2022 0 comment

Odd Personality Traits

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 13th, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Is there a list available of character traits, habits and/or actions which would indicate in a general sense a psychological issue? ie: The person never shows embarrassment. The person hoards candy in the dresser drawers, under the bed, etc. The person is moody: sometimes depressed, angry, sulks or broods. The person never accepts responsibility or blame for wrongdoing but always blames others for whatever happens. If a glass is knocked over and spills or breaks, “it fell”. The person is slightly dyslexic, especially with numbers. Once the idea for a specific item wanted is in mind, that item will be had, no matter how much time elapses; it is not forgotten. The person does not tell jokes and rarely laughs at the humor of others. Most often the person does not understand the punchline of a joke. The person often acts as a victim. ie: purchases the wrong product because the correct one was out of stock, will be nearly driven off the road because will not use the horn, etc. In speech the person often attaches 2 totally/nearly unrelated phrases together using the word “but”. There is nothing perfect; there is something wrong/negative in everything/everyone. Nearly always there is some minor ailment: a pain here, ache there, headache, bellyache, blurry vision, etc., seemingly in contrast/competition to others who are experiencing serious medical conditions ie: hip replacement, cancer, etc. The person does not seem to understand limiting physical teasing such as pinching by saying,”That didn’t hurt.” or “I barely touched you.” The person wants everyone to recognize and be generous at birthday and other special times of giving but is not generous personally. Gifts are often not age related/appropriate such as giving a small child-sized gift to an older adolescent or teenager. The person prefers to use the walk-in bank lobby vs the drive thru because it “makes them feel important.” The person is not a deep thinker, does not have plans for nor talks about desires for the future. The person does not stay on task well and seems to be easily distracted from the task at hand. The aforementioned are quirks to the negative. The person has many positive characteristics as well, however, that is for another discussion. Thanks. (From Guatemala)

Thank you for your email. The difficulty with offering feedback is that the age and gender of the person is not included in your description, and both would be important for some accurate feedback and direction. That being said, I am struck by the fact that these descriptions all sound like they are coming from a young child, yet, if they were they wouldn’t be seen as so deviant. This leads me to the thought that this person may be chronologically older than his or her actions.

I would recommend an evaluation by a clinical psychologist skilled in testing and evaluation on an individual’s developmental level. I believe that would give you information to help understand what is going on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
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June 13, 2022 0 comment

My Brother Needs Help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 25th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I believe my brother suffers from a severe personality disorder. He is 21 years old. He is extremely aggressive when he doesn’t get his way, he verbally abuses those that are close to him because “we don’t ever help him with anything”. He’s incredibly lazy, refuses to work and uses my parents divorce as an excuse to be “depressed” and miss work.

I know that it’s more of his lies, because I went to my mother’s house where he lives and saw him hanging out with his girlfriend, laughing and smoking marijuana. He constantly blames everyone else for his problems and he’s a compulsive liar, he will literally [lie] about something he did right in your face. He constantly claims that he wants to kill himself, but I know he’s too much of a coward to do so, I believe it just another one of his manipulation schemes.

Yesterday he got into a huge fight with my ill mother about the dog in the house, she is no condition to take care of herself let alone a dog and she asked him to get rid of him. His response to this situation was to go to the animal shelter and put the dog to sleep, after that he came back home with the dog in the trunk and proceeded to show my mom what he did, then he facetimed me on the phone to show me the dead dog.

I know my brother needs real help, but he’s completely unwilling and we cant control him considering he’s a semi-professional MMA (mixed martial arts) fighter. My parents and I are devastated and have no idea what to do with him anymore.

I don’t know if your brother has a personality disorder. I do think he’s a bully. Why, oh why, is he living with his ill mother? I would think the incident with the dog would be the last straw.

Nowhere is it written that parents have to continue to care for a 21 year old who is disrespectful, mean and manipulative. Millions of kids go through their parents divorce. It’s often not easy, it’s true. But most get on with their adult lives. Your brother is playing on your parents’ feelings of guilt and obligation. He is misusing their love.

With all good intentions, your family is enabling a bully. It’s long past time for calling things as they are. If your brother has money for marijuana, training, and a girlfriend, he probably has money to find a room somewhere. If he can’t be grateful for family support and make solid contributions to the household (both financial and doing chores), he shouldn’t be living off his mom. Give him a deadline for shaping up or shipping out.

Do be prepared for an adult version of a tantrum. Bullies don’t give up easily. He will only take the family seriously if you are serious. If he threatens suicide, call the police to get him to the local crisis team for evaluation for possible hospitalization. Ditto if he threatens to harm anyone else.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

February 25, 2022 0 comment

My Boyfriend Can’t Get Over My Past

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 16th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I have a boyfriend of about a year and he makes me super happy and we talk comfortably and laugh so easily together. We agree on everything and I can completely be myself around him. I’ve never felt this with anyone in my entire life.

However, my boyfriend can’t ever take his focus off of my past. I’ve had one boyfriend who I lost my virginity to and another guy I drunkenly hooked up with a few times. My boyfriend lost his virginity to me and we had a great first 6 months. Then, he cheated on me to “get back at me” for having a past.

After that, it’s been downhill. He always wanted to know every detail about everything. I’m talking sex positions, the amount of times me and my ex had sex, the amount of seconds anything lasted. Literally things that even I can’t remember! It got to the point where my boyfriend texted these two guys and questioned them. If the answers didn’t match up, he’d blame me. He has called me worthless and a slut and a whore too many times to count because of my “past”. A month ago he cheated on me again because I “deserved it”. I do admit to making some white lies up because I was scared of his reaction.

I just didn’t know this is how relationships worked. In my first relationship, I lost my virginity to the guy, and he had already lost his. But I didn’t question him and I didn’t text his past partners to try and get out information from them. I respected my ex’s past, even though he didn’t treat me well (he forced me to do sexual things with him) which my current boyfriend knows about. Yet that doesn’t stop him from calling me names. My boyfriend has an ex who he’s only kissed. He had experience but not much sexually so I feel like he’s just extremely insecure even though he has no reason to be. I realized the other day I did more with that guy I hooked up with then I thought so I told my boyfriend right away because he always make me feel guilty about keeping secrets. I just don’t see why all the details matter anyways. Is this normal?? The only thing we fight about is my past but that’s not fair to me. Is it?

No, this isn’t normal or fair or loving or okay. At 18, you hardly have a “past”. You’ve had some experiences while you figured out what you want and need in a relationship. And, BTW, you didn’t “lose” your virginity in consensual sex. No one does. You made a decision to have sex based on your thoughts and feelings at the time. That is nothing to be ashamed of. And the details are none of your boyfriend’s business.

I have to disagree with your opening paragraph. You and this guy don’t agree on everything and you can’t be completely yourself. You feel you have to apologize for your own history and he controls you with accusations, cheating, and guilt trips. My take on it is that he is too insecure to make a decent relationship with you — or anyone for that matter. Tell him to take the time he needs to grow up. Make yourself available for someone who gets it that what matters in a relationship is who you are now, not what you’ve been through and choices you made (even the poor ones) when you were a young teen.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 16, 2021 0 comment