Tag:

Emotional Support

Depression & Suicide

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 6th, 2024

Don’t know where to start so… I’m a 28-year-old male have no kids never been a relationship and don’t have a really have much else. Surprisingly though I’m actually very interested in psychology and can see people problems including my own, but still have I hard time continuing with my own life. Everything I seem to want or achieve in life just doesn’t happen from goals in life to the simplest whatever. Just doesn’t seem to work out for me. I don’t really have friends and I feel like the people I do have around me aren’t really there. One of two problems I come to discover is my mother. I come to realization that she’s a big problem to my mental health. She never really pushed me or ever been supportive anything I do. So, I’m not very affectionate or close to anyone. Another is I have a twin brother who I have nothing in common with so i unconsciously tried to be the opposite in any way I could. I have lost interest in continuing life if I can’t even think about something that just won’t happen and it just frustrating. I’m 28 never had a girlfriend, no job, still live with my parents and don’t really own anything. I thought about suicide since maybe my early 20’s. I’m really just done with life and feel like if my life is just failure after failure that I can’t even think of whatever it maybe then what’s the purpose.

Ending your life is not how you should try to solve this or any problem. It should not even be a consideration. You are assuming that because you haven’t identified your life’s purpose that you never will. That is a flawed assumption. It could simply be, as it is for many people in the world, that you haven’t found your purpose yet; it does not mean that you never will or that you should stop trying.

Finding one’s purpose is usually not a straightforward process. It involves soul searching and experimentation with an open mind. It can be enriching, joyful and glorious. It might even be said that it is our purpose in life to find our purpose in life. It is perhaps our reason for being.

You stated that your life isn’t going as planned. Perhaps that is because you have made incorrect choices. Many people make life choices that are not in their best interest often because they are misguided about what they think will make them happy. Abraham Maslow, in writing about the process of self-actualization, believes that “the average normal, well-adjusted person often has not the slightest idea of what he is, of what he wants, of what his own opinions are,” in part because they have not uncovered their own wants and desires. You can change this with conscious self-exploration and counseling. A good therapist will examine your life and assist you in making the proper adjustments. Counseling can help you to achieve your life goals more efficiently.

People often erroneously believe that they’re supposed to know how to solve all of their life problems. If they can’t, they feel weak, helpless or like a failure. The reality is that we are not born knowing how to do these types of things. There is no shame in not knowing. When we know that we don’t know, we must look for those answers in books, mentors, education, and counseling, etc. Once we learn what we need to know we can then use that knowledge to make better choices. That is how we learn, grow and change.

It’s common for people who are depressed to compare themselves to other people and then judge themselves as a failure. Depressed people often see everyone else as being happy and successful but their perception is skewed. At some point, everyone struggles in life. Thankfully, treatment is available and can assist you in making the necessary life course corrections.

Be kind to yourself. Do not be judgmental and harsh. That can often be easier said than done because we live in a culture that is competitive, focused on status and the accumulation of material goods and wealth. Many people are misguided about what they think will make them happy and are suffering as a result.

In the meantime, you might try volunteering and being useful to others. Studies show that helping others can be deeply spiritually rewarding. Volunteerism is not a treatment for depression per se but in the short-term, it could help you in positive ways.

If you’re open to it, contact a local therapist. Try asking your primary care physician for a referral. Alternatively, you can use the “find help” tab, at the top of this page, to search for a good therapist. I always recommend contacting four to five therapists. Contact them and discuss these issues over the phone. Choose the one with whom you feel the most comfortable and then meet in person. Finally, if you cannot protect yourself, contact emergency services. They will keep you safe and ensure that you receive the proper treatment. Please take care.

April 6, 2024 0 comment

Fiance Won’t Trust Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 21st, 2023

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I screwed up big time. My fiancée and I have been together for 5 years and have an 18-month-old daughter. For the past few months I’ve been feeling increasingly isolated (I’m an at home mom and he’s gone with work or projects). I’ve tried speaking with him and asked countless times to spend more time with him and let him know how sad I’ve felt. He’s always shrugged this off and noted that he has “to get things done” around the house and at our rental properties, etc.

After nagging him for some time I decided to seek emotional support from friends and began going out more often. In the past few weeks I’ve gone out three times and each time I drank too much to drive home. The first two times I stayed at my girlfriends house and he didn’t seem to mind much but the last time I went out with all guys. They were friends of mine but one, by my own assertion, “was a male whore”. I made a ridiculously stupid decision and decided to stay in a hotel room with the “male whore”. I also lied about where I was staying to protect myself and claimed I had stayed at friends. He called to friend and just about everyone else I knew and found out that wasn’t true (my phone had died). When I arrived home he was waiting for me and I continued to lie through my teeth to save myself when all I did was make it worse. I eventually admitted what had happened and have apologized profusely. I acted selfishly and have offered to end all communication with everyone and never go again if he would agree to work on things in the relationship but he’s flat out refused. He’s told his entire family and is making preparations to move me out of the house. I’ve begged for counseling but he says a counselor can’t get him to trust again. He just keeps reiterating what I said, what I did, what I should have done, what I could have done and I wish to God I had thought of those things before I made such stupid decisions. I’ve stopped eating in an effort to hurt myself the way I’ve hurt him and I really don’t think I can live with this guilt the rest of my life. I know I’ve screwed up and maybe there’s nothing I can do but I’m still willing to try. Any advice to save my relationship and my family would be greatly appreciated.

I deeply appreciate your question and concern. Bu this is an opportunity for a more nuanced evaluation, not simply having to “save the relationship.”

Your actions speak volumes about how poor of a partner he has been. You tried to talk with him and explain and the best he could do was shrug it off. The truth is you were massively dissatisfied in the relationship.

You chose a male whore for a reason. The only purpose was to create enough of a dysregulation in the relationship with your fiance so that resentment over the relationship issue would come to a peak; now it has.

Your fiancé didn’t get the message that you were not happy and that he needed to change, or talk, or something to preserve the relationship. While there might have been other, better choices in how you dealt with this, the truth is your fiancé was unresponsive and doesn’t realize his role in this.

His actions following this, which also leave him out of the formula for change, are also telling. My guess is that he wanted out of the relationship too, but did it passively, not wanting to deal with the dissatisfaction directly.

For you I would begin going to therapy to understand more about the reasons you deal with your dissatisfaction the way you do. Offer to go to couples therapy to work on the relationship, but this would be something he would want to fully engage in to be fruitful.

Finally let me recommend a book, After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring and Michael Spring. It is an excellent description of both sides of this coin.

But this is a learning opportunity above all else. Learn what your other options could’ve been, what allowed you to tolerate such an unfulfilling relationship, and what will happen when those feelings inevitably come up for you in the future.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

February 21, 2023 0 comment

I’m Afraid of the Truth, That My Mother Is a Narcissist

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 27th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Dear Therapist, I’m having trouble accepting that my mother is a narcissist. It has been pointed out to my a counselor before. Every time I have a conflict with her I see the traits more and more, but always still try to get emotional support from her. Throughout adulthood even and going through getting married I think she will change and be there for me and treat me like a daughter. That didn’t happen. Now I am pregnant and feeling sad and angry because she doesn’t offer to be there for me unless I come to her and she makes her problems worse and worse and her health issue a central point in her life. She says I’m not being there for her when I don’t want to baby her about her issues, but honestly I spent most of my life worrying about and tending to my mom’s feelings and health. Sometimes I think she exaggerates health issues to be the center of attention. Last month she had me convinced that she had osteoporosis, then when I felt something was fishy about it this month and asked her a bunch of questions she said “oh no it’s just osteoarthritis.” I know in the mind my mom will never really approve of me or respect me or be there for me, but my heart wont accept it. I still try time after time to be close to her and end up infuriated, super sad or crazed. Also my husband has deal with our weekly fights. How can I learn to accept that she has a mental illness?

You believe that she’s a narcissist and that may or may not be true. Her diagnosis, if available, would be somewhat irrelevant because it wouldn’t change how you should be interacting with or responding to her. Your saying that your heart won’t let you accept it is the same as saying that you are refusing to believe in reality.

Abraham Maslow, who studied the characteristics of psychologically healthy people, noticed that they accept reality for what it is, not how they wish it would be, hope it would be or fear it would be. You simply have to accept her for who she is. That is the mindset that would help you the most when dealing with your mother and the world in general. People are who they are. What is most helpful is learning new ways of responding to them.

You want her support, and she can’t or won’t give it to you. You want your mother to be different, but that is not going to happen. The sooner you can accept the truth, the less frustration and disappointment you will feel.

If you need emotional support, then you are likely going to have to look elsewhere; to other friends, family, your husband, or your counselor. Try working with your counselor to adjust your expectations of your mother and learning more appropriate and less frustrating ways of interacting with her. The latter might include spending less time with her. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

September 27, 2021 0 comment

I Find It Hard to Support Myself Emotionally

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 15th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am the youngest of four children. Mother and sister are schizophrenic. Mother has been affected ever since I was a kid. Sister’s case is severe and started about 15 years ago. One sister was epileptic and prone to violence but committed suicide 12 years ago. Father is old but still keeps busy with his work and I feel he has long neglected the family running after his work. Eldest sister is married with a kid. I have witnessed violent fights at home and all the chaos that comes with schizophrenia.

I never liked being at home due to the bad atmosphere and so i got fed up and took the first chance I got to move out of house. This was 12 years ago. I left the country and came to US where I pursued further education and am gainfully employed now. I have been always aware that my family is different and so have always been ashamed of it. We never have proper conversations or bonding at home. Even now when I go home we hardly talk. Even my outside relationships see the same issue — I cannot relate with anybody.

I was once in a serious relationship and we broke up and i took years to get over it. I recently started liking a girl again and she too liked me and we decided to get married. Initially she was not ready since I ‘hid’ my family stuff from her. But once she saw it for herself she backed out. I convinced her that it would not be a problem for ‘us’. She accepted but I feel she still considered me dishonest after hiding the family stuff. It still is dicey as she said she needs time and I think she will most likely break up with me. I will surely be heartbroken but I think I am okay with it.

I just moved to a new city. That along with the fact that my family is in a faraway country and I don’t really talk a lot with them AND I don’t have a lot of friends to connect with, its making me feel very low and terribly lonely. I would love to lead a normal life. I am not sure how, when the time comes, I will be able to support my dysfunctional family when i am finding it hard to support myself emotionally.

Please give yourself credit for coming through a difficult childhood as well as you did. Despite the lack of support, you managed to get a good education and a job and you’ve been in serious relationships. Not everyone from such a dysfunctional background has been able to achieve so much.

It’s not at all surprising that you find it difficult to lead what you believe to be a “normal” life. Children learn what they experience. A child from an emotionally chaotic background generally doesn’t learn the coping skills most of us need to handle the usual challenges of life. Further, it is difficult to learn how to cooperate with others, how to respond to normal emotional needs and how to communicate with others when the models for doing so aren’t able to do it themselves. That probably has a lot to do with your lack of friends or a significant other.

I do think you should take it slow with your girlfriend. “Liking” isn’t enough of a reason to marry. Your statement that you will be okay with it if she breaks up with you makes me think that the relationship isn’t deep enough or developed enough to be considering marriage.

My guess is that your girlfriend can understand why you might want to “hide” your family background. But neither of you will be able to forgive you if you don’t do what you need to do to recover from it.

From what you wrote, I don’t think you have a mental illness. But you do have a serious lack of people skills as a result of your upbringing. For that reason, I recommend that you work with a therapist for awhile. With the support of a therapist, you can learn and practice the many skills you weren’t taught as a child. Having such skills will make it far more likely that you can be successful in marriage as well as with friends and on the job.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 15, 2021 0 comment

I’m raising my grandchildren alone and I’m miserable

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 22nd, 2019

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

5 yrs ago I received custody of a 5 yr boy and a 3 yr old girl grandchild. I was in a bad marriage at the time and my decision to take this on ended that. At the time I thought it was only temporary as my son and their father was in prison and planned to take care of them when he returned home. Their mother at that time had lost them to CPS for using, cooking and selling drugs. At a point a few months into this I realized my son would never be able to support them financially and would have continued difficulties staying out of trouble himself. Their mother is now sober according to her but is unable to care for the four kids she has. Since they have come to my home they have both been diagnosed with ADHD. I am all these kids have as far as security and I’m miserable. My friends are out enjoying the years after their kids are raised. My family is offering no emotional support. Cousins get together for meals out and don’t invite us. My brother plays it down as if I’m imaging it and making a bigger deal of it than I should. They think I should be more patient with the kids. I find dirty underwear both of them stuff into their dresser drawers. They know I like a semi clean house but I still continue to find dirty clothes stuffed in drawers and the back of closets. Everyone tells me they are kids. I believe I should be able to live in an odor free clean environment yet it hasn’t happened yet. I consistently take privileges away to no avail. It seems the kids have better support than I do. I’m tired of being miserable, unhappy and lonely. I’m on wellbutrin 300 mg (it keeps me from crying constantly) and I’ve done the therapy thing on more than a few occasions and they all say the same thing, “take better care of yourself and get a support system.” To someone who isn’t concerned with the financial and logistics of babysitters its just that simple. I’ve looked for grandparent support groups till I’m blue. I don’t know how much longer I can hide my distress.

I think it is time to get children’s protective services (CPS) involved. If you don’t deal with this issue proactively you are likely to become depleted and overwhelmed, and not be able to care for them in the long run.

Let CPS know what you are struggling with and find your daughter-in-law’s caseworker. He or she may be able to help offload the burden of responsibility from you. He or she may also be able to help you manage legally and in the coordination of services. Take a strong proactive approach to getting as much responsibility back on to the children’s parents as is possible with ancillary support services from CPS.

What I am suggesting is to start finding ways to deal with the fact that you have to have others take more responsibility so you can take better care of your needs. If you become depleted and can’t care for the children what would happen? That is the scenario you must use to guide your need for greater self-care. Ultimately you may be in a better, stronger position if you can be a support person rather than primary.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

July 6, 2011 0 comment

I don’t know what to think or how to feel

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 31st, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I really need some advice…I am in love with and involved with a married woman…she initiated the relationship…are first date was supposed to be harmless then one thing led to another and we slept together…we both have very strong feelings for each other and as time goes on we become very close friends and share everything with each other and her 3 kids adore me and I them…she says that she is no longer in love with her marriage but still has feeling for her husband in spite of all his wrong doings…she also tells me that i am amazing and super sweet and do a lot of things so much better then him..like being there for her and her kids and giving her emotional support and being a great listener…

so i asked if thats the case why am I on the outside looking in? she said cause its very hard to start over after 10 years and even though she believes every word i say and promise i make it will take time because not only does she have a hard time trusting men but she keeps focusing on the fact that i am 25 and she 37…

recently i had a death in my family that had a big impact on me and due to that and all my other stress i had to go to the er for high blood pressure…i takes meds for it and have a family history of it…she thought it was her fault and was gonna leave me thinking it was to much on me and she also feels guilty in spite of her husbands actions for cheating on him…we talked it out and she decided to stay…

however since then she doesnt call me her young love anymore or other terms of affection like she did in the beginning. When i ask her why she simply says she is tired or just not in the mood…i dont get that but ok..she calls and txt me everyday except on weekends cause thats when the husband is off and when i dont hear from her i worry and over analyze everything 🙁 and because of our work schedules and her kids and trying to get away from the husband we are spending less and less time together over the last couple weeks…i dont know if this means im losing her or what..

and just to be clear not only am i very much in love with her i want to spend the rest of my life with her and grow old with her and in doing so i will have to sacrifice my chance to have children of my own and possibly make my family mad…but i dont care aside from the poems i send her its like the 2 songs we listen to together go everything i do i do it for you by bryan adams and amazed by lonestar…she is my world my everything..what i need to find out is am i losing her and if not what can i do to show her that i want to be with her and will always be here and how do i cope or get through the waiting process without driving myself crazy all the time wondering what does this mean and what does that mean and why havent i heard from her today and why wont she say how she feels ?

I’m so sorry for your pain. There must be something very sweet about this woman for you to be so head over heels in love with her. But I have to tell you this: You aren’t losing her. You can’t lose what you never had. She’s married. She’s not being honest with her husband and she’s not being honest with you. She’s trying to have it both ways: A husband who supports her and their family and a young, romantic lover. She’s beginning to come to her senses but you’re not letting her leave easily. She seems to understand that what for her was a fun affair is much more serious for you. Her efforts to leave gracefully due to your illness are being thwarted by your unwillingness to let her go. However much in love you may be, it’s unwise to let your heart rule your head. She’s nowhere near as invested in a future together as you are. And remember this: A woman who will cheat with you will probably end up doing it to you.

Grieve this relationship, learn from it, and make yourself available to women your own age who are looking for someone just like you. There are women out there who would give anything to find a guy who is loving, loyal, and willing to commit himself utterly to the person he loves. Give yourself the chance to find someone who is going to love you back in the same way.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 28, 2011 0 comment