Tag:

Enabling

How Should My Family Handle My Narcissistic Brother?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 14th, 2023

From the U.S.: My problem is my 23 year old brother claims he wants to move out yet he stays with us. (I’m 26 btw) He may have a job, but he doesn’t help around the house. My mother makes him contribute financially. My brother steals my dad’s xbox controller since 2014 or 2015. My brother is a massive liar. Whenever he’s confronted he’ll lie about it.

Whenever my brother comes home from work or hanging out with his pals he comes back home leaving the kitchen lights on and I mostly have to turn them back on. It doesn’t help that my room has French doors, it’s located in the dining room next to the living room which makes bedtime a nightmare. I get that my mother had to raise us four kids. (My older sister moved out two years ago.)

I feel me and my mother had enabled him to be a spoiled pig by cleaning up his room and I usually get paid for that. This happened since 2013. In the late 2000s my mother and him would get into a fight about cleaning his room.
When my grandmother babysit, I help around the house I usually put away most of the laundry including my brother’s. Back then I was too scared to stand up to him. (I was sixteen back then) because I didn’t have the confidence to stand up to him.

He would manipulate me into playing outdoor sports with him back in 2007-2009 (thankfully he doesn’t do that no more.) My mother would go from defending him then to agreeing with us that he’s a jerk. The problem is that my brother doesn’t talk to any of us often. He would come to one of us when he needs something.

I told my father that I couldn’t take it anymore but he told me to be strong and perserverant. How am I supposed to be strong and perseverant when I’ve been dealing with my narcissist of a brother over the years?

There’s an old saying: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” The point is that your family has taught him that he can do as he pleases with no negative consequences for inappropriate behavior. You didn’t give me enough information for me to make a guess why this got going. People can enable others out of fear, out of pity, because they feel they owe someone something, because they don’t know what else to do. Sometimes people enable someone in the hopes that if he gets enough support, he will straighten out. It rarely works but you can’t fault good hearted people from trying.

Sometimes parents and older siblings at first enable a younger sibling because he’s cute or because they feel sorry he can’t keep up. What starts with the best of the intentions becomes a nightmare as the kid gets older and still expects everyone to see him as the Little Prince he once was.

Perhaps you have an idea why your brother’s behavior is tolerated. If whatever started it still exists, chances are your parents won’t change their acceptance of his rude and entitled behavior. But that ‘s your parents’ decision.

You are 26 — an adult. You probably can’t change your family’s way of operating since (judging from your father’s comment) they don’t want to change — even though they complain about him. You can change your response. Better yet, you can work, save your money, and set a goal for leaving them all to sort it out together like your sister did. You don’t have to be a part of it.

Meanwhile, stop cleaning his room (even if you are paid). Stop putting away his laundry. Put shades on your french doors so light won’t bother you. Don’t respond when he comes to you for something he wants. Let him know that he’s an adult and you will treat him like one even if no one else does. Then do it.

If your parents would like to change your brother’s treatment of the family, I suggest you all go together to see a family therapist. The therapist will make it clear that you all can’t change him. But you can change how you all respond to him. The therapist will give you guidance and support for doing so. If you do, and do it with consistency over time, your brother will no longer get what he wants by being obnoxious. He will have to either change or leave. He’ll hate having to finally grow up, but it could be the best thing that ever happened to him.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

January 14, 2023 0 comment

Husband’s Drinking Causes Me Anxiety

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 9th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: MY husband (married this past July) has struggled in the past when we were dating with drinking issues. They have been addressed and he admits the times he was drinking too much but over the years this has caused SEVERE anxiety in me. He still (just 4 months ago) drove home drunk from a co-worker’s house. So there hasn’t been a time where he has consistently shown a change because little things like that keep happening to recylce me into this time where he was drinking excessivvely.

His parents are divorced. His dad lived in another state sO he didn’t see his dad but 3-4 times a year for visits. His dad has a drinking problem. Although doesn’t wake up and start drinking. Mostly he drinks everyday and weekends gets drunk with friends as if he were in college. His dad now has decided that he and my husband should spend quailty father son time together which of course just means go out and get drunk each night. He wants to begin a tradition of yearly father/son trips.

Of course this spiraled me into a panic attack just thinking about yearly drunk fests. What hurts almost more than anything is that his dad doesn’t see that my husband and I need that quality time together. Since we were married in July we have not had a free weekend just the two of us. My husband also has a 5 year old from a previous relationship. I’m caught between feeling resentment toward my father in law that doesn’t value real family time or time spent whith children since this was never his focus and worrying about my husband going out on a binder.

The drinking has improved. He only drinks on weekends and doesn’t get silly. However I still do not trust him if he were to go out with friends after him driving home drunk just back in August. Any free time away from me that he spends, he does not make wise decisions. He doesn’t have a good judge on how much he has had to drink. He has a 2 drink limit – anything more than that I have noticed he doesn’t stop. after drink two he is buzzed enough to just continue. I’m in Need of help and guidance.

Of most concern to me is your second sentence where you say your husband’s drinking issues have been “addressed”. Sadly, they have not. Your husband is buying your tolerance by managing his drinking most of the time. But he has a long way to go before he is sober and adult in his thinking and behavior.

He may be trying to have the father he never had by spending time with his dad now. But instead of joining his dad in the drinking, he should be insisting that his dad join him in sobriety. Your husband may believe that the only way to have his father in his life is to accept his dad’s terms, but the price is very high for doing so.

You are early in your marriage. You do need quality time together. The 5-year-old needs his dad to be an adult, not a “son” to his own father.

If this marriage is to last, your husband must acknowledge that he continues to be a barely-controlled alcoholic. He needs to get seriously involved with substance abuse treatment. It is not unusual for someone with a history of alcohol abuse to be inconsistent in his ability to make good decisions. This is one of the issues that would be addressed in treatment.

Further, I suggest that you get involved with Al-Anon, an organization that supports people who love people who have a problem with alcohol.

I also suggest couples therapy to deal with your husband’s unresolved issues with his father and how they are impacting your marriage and his parenting of his own son. He should not be spending any time with his father that involves drinking. His priority should be on making a happy and functional family with you and his son. If he won’t, you have some very difficult decisions to make.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

December 9, 2021 0 comment

Alcoholic Mother, Enabler Father, Newly Married and Trying

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 25th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Long story short: My mother is a severe substance abuser (alcohol and pills) with depression and anxiety. She self harms, and mixes alcohol and pills. She is emotionally abusive by getting strung out and then doing the “woe is me, I am a bad mother” thing while i am picking her up off the floor. My father enables her by only blaming others and believing she is okay when she is not- even telling mental health professionals that they are wrong and she is fine.
I was married in February and has a baby in September and through the help of friends, family and my therapist tried to be supportive but also set boundaries about her substance abuse and my children (also have 2 older stepkids). I told her that she did not have to be sober but had to be making positive strides toward a healthier her- therapy, AA, *not hiding her alcohol*, being honest. I have expressed that all i want is a safe environment for my kids and that I want her to get better for her. Nothing has worked- she hides alcohol, wont go to AA or therapist, in and out of rehab, cuts her wrists and attempts suicide.
About 2 months ago, i tried to invite her and my father to come see the baby. That same week she went into a psych facility for depression and then cut her wrists and then omitted to tell me. So i canceled the invite. This was responded with increasingly nasty remarks and more “woe is me”.
So I made it clear that i needed a break and stopped talking to them. I feel awful about it. My parents are both well intentioned, but cant seem to stop being so toxic- to themselves or others. Especially with a new baby in the picture, I am torn between helping them (which all my support has gone unnoticed or criticized by them, and has only hurt my relationship with my husband) and having them a part of my life, but knowing that they are harmful- emotionally and physically.
I know this is the right choice for the health of my children and marriage, but I can’t stop beating myself up. I feel so guilty and I feel like i lost my family. I don’t know what to do.

I think you do know exactly what to do and are doing it — it is just very difficult. The feelings of guilt you are having are right on target. You are breaking the good ol’ family tradition of denial by setting boundaries and seeing things clearly.

If you haven’t made the connection, the kind of support you need will come from Al-Anon. In it you will find support for making this stance, and support is what you will need. You can’t use your mother and father as supports nor seek their approval. The natural consequence from this is to feel guilty for breaking with the family secret. But feeling guilty is much better than the systematic resentment you will feel for them if you don’t. Remember the Al-Anon saying: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it.”

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

March 25, 2021 0 comment

My Mother Enables My Depression

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 19th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am 28 years old, living at home with my parents and younger brother. I have been in a state of pretty severe depression for the last few months. This has been a pattern in my life since age 17 where I will be doing okay (or even well) for a while and then I go back to being depressed. I have problems with social anxiety, agoraphobia, anger, extreme moods, overeating, and feelings of emptiness as well. One thing that has compounded my problems recently (and brought on this latest depressive episode) is having tinnitus and trying to quit smoking. I have had tinnitus for 4 and 1/2 months and I quit smoking three days ago.

I can’t get my life “on track” in terms of having a social life, being physically healthy, dealing with my moods and emotions, school, or pretty much any area you could think of. I can’t even get out of my current depressive episode so I don’t know why I’m trying to think of long term solutions.

The only person I can ask for help is my mom and I have asked her again and again to try and help me. She keeps saying she’s going to, that I am not alone, etc. but she doesn’t really change anything she does. She is an enabler who doesn’t seem to care about how she is damaging me. She gets me stuff I want and food from the store (including unhealthy food I am trying to avoid). Up until a few days ago she was buying my cigarettes and would go buy more right now if I asked her. She allows me to sit around all day, escaping reality by watching tv and playing games, and doesn’t make any sort of effort whatsoever to help me out. She even recently told me that a friend of hers gave her some tough advice by telling her that she needs to change and that life is passing her (and consequently me) by. This friend told her she needs to make some major changes but she still isn’t.

I know that changing my life is ultimately my responsibility, but I feel that all of my efforts have been ruined by being able to fall back into my old habits (due to her being enabling). I don’t have anywhere else I can go live and I don’t know what to do. I have tried to talking to her about this but she doesn’t get it. I have told her that she has created a toxic environment here and that my dad, brother, and I are now so dependent on her that we wouldn’t be able to function normally if something happened to her. She only gets angry in response and we fight all the time.

I have tried going to many different psychiatrists, psychologists, my regular doctor, etc. but no one and no medication has helped. In fact I have been on several medications that have caused severe mental changes and episodes during which I said and did crazy, dangerous things and / or gave me terrible withdraw symptoms when I inevitably had to stop taking them. Understandably (I think) I am resistant to try therapy or medication at this time. Lately I have been doing research on doctors in my area in spite of my fear, but trust me when I say my options are very limited where I live.

Could you please give me some sort of advice to help me change my life (either by getting out of my current rut, long term, or both)? I promise I am basically a hard worked who wants to do good things and be a good person, but I can’t move forward. Even this morning I have tried to look up some tips and I enrolled in a month long trial of Daily Burn. I am really trying here, so if someone could help me out I would appreciate it so very much.

You are very correct. Ultimately, the only person who can help you is you. Although I understand your frustration, blaming your mother for enabling you is not fair to her or helpful to you. A person can only enable someone who agrees to be enabled. As you’ve already discovered, waiting for your mother to change in order to change yourself is a losing proposition.

I find myself wondering what you are so afraid of that you aren’t moving into adult life. On the face of it, it looks to me like you need to get a job and get out of the house. Consider finding a cheap place and sharing with a housemate to cut expenses. College may be important eventually, but I worry that it’s become another way to avoid dealing with whatever is blocking you from being on your own.

If options for treatment are limited in your area, there are other ways to get help. Take a look at the following books: The Depression Workbook by Mary Ellen Copeland, The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne and Feeling Good by David Burns. My book, Unlocking the Secrets of Self-Esteem, might also be helpful. All of those books include concrete, practical activities to help you get back on track. Choose one and work on it seriously. Self-help can be very, very helpful — as long as you commit to it.

Do consider joining a support group here at LifeHelper. You will gain from the support and practical advice of other people who are struggling with some of the same issues.

I found it very helpful in my own life when one of my teachers pointed out that “trying” doesn’t count. We either do something or we don’t. Trying, he used to say, is a way assuage our conscience with good intentions while not really doing what we know we need to do. The solution is to set smaller, achievable goals. Do a small goal, then set the next one, then the next one after that. That approach can prevent you from overwhelming yourself by the big picture and will start you on a path of real movement.

Finally, don’t give up on therapists. It sometimes takes interviewing several before finding the therapist who is a good fit.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 19, 2021 0 comment