Tag:

Engagement

I Have a Marriage Proposal But I Think that He Is Depressed

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 28th, 2022

From Iran: I am a PhD candidate of structural engineering. I have a proposal of marriage from a man who is a PhD of pharmacy and 35 years old. He is the faculty of a good university in my country. I think he suffers from depression. He does his works very slowly. He has so few friends and has not any special fun except listening to classic music and watching movie. He says that he wakes up easily by a weak sound at night.

He regrets why he did not marry with one of his classmates during study at university because of having no job and money (he did not talk about special person, he said it generally). He says that he knows his classmates for 6 years and it was long enough to know a person. But now he has not enough time to know and should marry with a person who knows for a short time.

We know each other for 4 months and we are far from each other and he calls me three times a week and talks 1 hour maximum. I like to talk more but he does not. he does not ask me any special question to know me. I ask questions most of the times.

He said that he loves his works but also he complains the conditions.he says that he is an introvert and calm person. I think that he is depressed. He does not feel happiness of his life. However,he says jokes some times. I laugh one or two times during talking with him.

I am an extrovert and energetic girl with high social relations. I love travel, tennis, music and poem. Please help me to know am I right? Does he have any mental problem? Best Regards

I think you are asking the wrong question. I don’t know if he is depressed. But I do wonder if he is the man for you. From your letter, it sounds like this man barely knows you but is offering marriage. Although he states he loves you, he also indicates he is hurrying to marry because he thinks he missed meeting the right person while in college. That isn’t a very compelling basis for making a lifelong commitment.

Also of concern is how different you are. I don’t know if he is clinically depressed but he certainly doesn’t sound very happy or very involved with life. You, on the other hand, have many interests and like to be with people. Imagine what it will be like to be married to him. Will he be content to stay at home while you go off to do things with friends? Will you like doing things by yourself? Or do you think you will have to adapt to his lifestyle and give up all the things you like to do to be married to him?

If you are seriously considering marrying this man, I hope you will find a way to spend some extended time with him to see what it’s like to be a couple. If you can’t do that, I hope you will talk deeply and seriously about his expectations and yours for what it means to be a married couple. Are you compatible enough?

You are young. You have plenty of time to find someone else if the two of you aren’t a match. Both of you deserve to have a happy life with a partner who really wants to be with you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 28, 2022 0 comment

Should I Call Off the Wedding?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 1st, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am a 22 year old recent graduate and my fiance is 30 years old and a hard worker as a business analyst. We started dating when I was 18 (he was 26). We dated through my years at school, he broke up with me shortly twice in our earlier time together (my family was not very accepting of me dating and he saw that). Later when I moved to Dallas for the last two years of nursing school, we decided to move in together.

By the end of the summer, I realized I wasn’t ready to live with someone esp since school and my career as a nurse was extremely important to me. When I moved out, we broke up for a month and stared dating again. In all my four years at school I never went “out” or attended parties. I was very focused on nursing and I felt it was inappropriate to go out with friends to bars/ clubs when I was in a serious relationship.

A year ago he asked me to marry him, I was elated and said yes. We are very close/ good friends and easily made plans for the future. We are now 10 months from the wedding (I wanted to finish school and start working comfortably before marrying so we planned a 2 year engagement).

I never thought my being 22 would be a problem, I have always been kind of conservative. However lately since I have had time off before my new job I am realizing I may not be ready for marriage or as conservative as I thought. I can see a great future with him and he loves me very much, but I also have so many independent things I want to accomplish and frankly living together recently has made me want to be more independent.

Its difficult to think of hurting the man I love and call my friend. I find myself wanting to save for grad school, decorate my own place (which I don’t have), and spend more time with my friends as well as actually go out. I am very confused and have had anxiety about whether to call off the wedding. I do frequently miss dating also, since I haven’t dated someone else since I was 17. Any thoughts on if this may be something I can work on with him or am I just not ready to dedicate my life to someone else?

Sometimes when we ask a question, we already have the answer. I don’t think your ambivalence about getting married is a case of having cold feet. I think you’ve made a reasonable assessment of your own situation.

Often people who started dating when they were in high school just kind of slide into marriage. They and the people around them just seem to think it’s the next logical step in the relationship. Sometimes it works out fine. But sometimes it is at the cost of finding out who they are as individuals and discovering what (and who) they want in life. It’s not at all uncommon to find that the person they chose at 15 or 17 isn’t necessarily the kind of person they would choose as an adult. This realization is often painful for everyone concerned.

In your case, your fiance is enough older than you are that he probably did have the time to come into himself before he met you. You on the other hand, were in a different developmental stage. Having denied yourself experiences that are common during the college years, you now find yourself on the brink of making a lifelong commitment to someone else when you aren’t really sure who you are.

It’s not my place to tell you what to do. Only you can search your heart and mind and decide what is best for both of you. But I will venture that it is not fair to a future partner (or to yourself) to launch into marriage with significant doubts.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

July 1, 2022 0 comment

Stuck Between Two Guys

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 26th, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I need help I’m engaged to be married but I think I’m in love with an old time friend and I do not know what to do. I’m torn about this I care about both so much please help my what can I do to know what the right choice will be ???
Kind regards (From South Africa)

While it is not uncommon for people to question their decisions concerning their love-life, it becomes a powerful source of anxiety when the decision is set to change your life permanently. Your engagement seems to have put this issue front and center. When people come to this kind of a crossroad, it is important to look at it from many directions to understand what is happening. I am glad you are reaching out to us to investigate your thought process.

At the core of this dilemma is the fact that you are not fully committed to your fiancé. If the relationship was solid and there were no doubts about it; you would not be drawn to the old friend. Being drawn to someone else at the time of commitment is a very human problem, but the question is why? Whatever the reasons turn out to be there is a core truth, that your commitment isn’t what it needs to be, that must be acknowledged to understand the best way forward. There are several possibilities. I’ll highlight three:

Are you allowing your feelings for your old friend to grow as a way to test your love for your fiancé?
Is it a way for you to put the breaks on the marriage because it isn’t what you thought it would be?
Or did the engagement to your fiancé cause you to have second thoughts about not only the commitment to him — but commitment in general?

Whatever the reason the level of obligation needed to make a life-long dedication isn’t in place. That may be why we have engagements — to test out the idea. There are several factors that you haven’t said in your email that might give you more clues about what is happening and what to do. The first is to know if your old-time friend has any interest, or if this is something that is going on in your mind that he isn’t fully interested in pursuing. It may also be an indication that you and your fiancé may have some issues that need to be talked about. The issues may not have reached the surface fully and can be showing up by you being distracted by your old friend.

I will encourage you to reflect on the situation and try to discern what is driving it. Once you do then you will be in a better position to make a decision and take action.

However, if it is unclear to you what your feelings are you may want to make an appointment with a therapist. Your fiancé deserves to have a partner that is into the marriage as much as he is. If the situation becomes more difficult I’d recommend couples counseling to allow your concerns to be managed with a professional present so both of your needs will be represented.

The most important thing to take away from my response is not to ignore what you are feeling. It could be a distraction, a clarification, a true love, or a test — but whatever it is you need to give it your attention so you can make the best decision for yourself and your fiancé.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

February 26, 2022 0 comment

Boyfriend’s Family Is Distant from Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 4th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He is my old boyfriend from years ago. We have been talking about marriage and our future plans, but haven’t formally announced it mainly because of his mother’s resentment towards me. She does not like me at all. Which has also made the rest of the family distant from me. He can’t even mention me in a conversation because it becomes a fight. I keep my distance and don’t come around since that’s how she prefers it. So, for family dinners, birthdays, etc. he attends alone without me. Recently though I felt upset that he decided to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with his family. He stated family is very important and his bonding with them will eventually lead to his mom being more accepting of me. He knew I felt upset so decided he would cancel with them to be with me. I asked him not to since initially his plans were he wanted to spend the holidays with them. I stated all I wanted is for him to be fair with me as he is with them. I feel he does not draw a line or create boundaries with them. I know he feels like he has to choose between me and them sometimes. But I don’t know what to say anymore or how to handle it. I have no grudges against her. I understand she has been through a lot and is a very troubled person, but I’m worried things won’t change and it will become serious conflict once we get married. Am I being too selfish? How do I support him without getting hurt?

Thank you for this question about your boyfriend’s family. This is your boyfriend’s responsibility to manage. He needs to be an advocate for his relationship with you with his family. If he is not doing that, which it doesn’t seem he is, then the work for you as a couple is to find out why he isn’t taking a more direct approach and making some clear requests and boundaries with them. You have stated your age as early thirties and I am imagining him to be roughly in the same age category. A thirty year old man about to be engaged needs to be better able to deal with his family.

Ask him how you can help him do this. It might be in the way of letting him visit with his family alone to have these discussions, it might be in the way of going to couple’s counseling together. In any case the responsibility lies with him to deal with his family and advocate for his relationship with you. If he is unable or unwilling to do this, you may want to have a serious discussion with him about how this will affect your relationship going forward.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

October 4, 2021 0 comment

My Partner Keeps Disappearing & Blocking Me Out

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 16th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years and we have been through a lot. I forgave him at the beginning of the relationship when I found out he cheated on me, but I have never managed to rebuild the trust.
He has changed, worked really hard and is a great guy in many ways BUT one thing. The biggest issue we have is when he goes out/goes for a drink. I keep on telling him that I am unable to trust him unless he keeps me posted, comes home at a reasonable or agreed hour, answers his phone if I call him late at night. But him going out often results in us arguing as he never sticks to his word and the worst thing that he does is he disappears. What I mean by that is that he would just disappear for the whole night and not answer his phone/messages. So obviously this makes me feel really disrespected as I sit there all night waiting and going crazy worrying if he is safe, if he is with another woman, if he is injured…like there are so many things that go through my mind during those dreadfully long hours until he decides to get in touch or come home.

He normally apologises and swears this relationship is all that he wants. He promises to stick to the rules and act responsibly etc. Then I have the best boyfriend for months until one day he slips again. And we go in this cycle again.

I would like to understand why he acts this way? Is he running away from problems? Is he trying to punish me for putting pressure on him because I demand much more due to the lost trust? What goes through his mind to think that it is ok to disappear like this for the entire night and not let your partner know? Please tell me because I do love this guy and when he is acting normal, we plan future etc. But I can’t continue dealing with his disappearances and the hell I go through when he just blocks me out.

I want to give him another chance but have a feeling he needs to see a specialist because he is in his early 30s and he acts so irresponsibly and selfishly that it breaks me and everything we both have worked on so hard.

Do you think this is part of his personality or some sort of suppressed emotional issues? When I ask him why he does it his answer is normally “I do not know. I just go into auto pilot mode and I enjoy myself and not check my phone as I know you are going crazy”…

I was thinking that maybe we need couples counselling, but maybe I am just hoping too much that this will change. He asked my dad a few months ago to marry me so we were moving forward into some bigger commitments and yet he slipped again and I just do not know how to deal with this.

I am not perfect, I am insecure and I struggle to trust him but all I ask for is for him to stick to his word and respect me enough to not just cut me off like this.

I know he loves me, I know he wants to be with me but I want to understand if it is me, him or us that makes he go into such modes from time to time. Thank you!

The problem may be bigger than you think. You’re about to marry a person who knowingly engages in behavior that hurts you. He knows that it hurts you, but he does it anyway. The key word is knowingly. It doesn’t seem to matter to him that you are not okay with his going out and drinking. It causes you a great deal of distress, but he is not willing to give it up. That is very concerning for the relationship.

Imagine if someone you love comes to you and tells you that something that you are repeatedly doing hurts them. It causes them great emotional pain. Would you continue to do it anyway? At the very least, wouldn’t you try your hardest to make a change so that you never hurt that person again?

He goes out because he wants to. His “autopilot” excuse is invalid. No such thing exists. His behavior is entirely controllable. No one is putting a gun to his head and forcing him to go out drinking. He wants to do it, and so he goes out regardless of how it makes you feel. It’s another way of saying I know you don’t like it but I’m going to do it anyway because I want to.

Actions speak louder than words.

He repeats the behavior because you tolerate it. He’s paid no real consequences for his behavior. He does it because he can and how it makes you feel matters little to him.

It seems as though you’re attempting to minimize, rationalize and compartmentalize this aspect of the relationship. You are effectively saying that everything else is great except for this one minor thing that if corrected, would make for the perfect relationship. Unfortunately, that may not be the case.

You seem to be rationalizing his behavior when you say that “I am not perfect. I am insecure and struggle to trust him.” In other words, if you’re not perfect, how can you expect him to be perfect too? The problem with this logic is that you’re not asking for perfection. You’re not expecting him to never make a mistake. You’re asking him to stop one particular behavior that hurts you and is bad for the relationship. That’s not an unreasonable thing to ask. It’s a very fair thing to ask.

People engage in rationalization when the truth is too difficult to face. You may be rationalizing his behavior because it is upsetting to consider the possibility that this relationship may be in trouble. You should never tolerate an individual who knowingly hurts you. That should be unacceptable to you and to everyone.

Relatedly, your insecurity about his cheating seems valid. He cheated on you, so you know that he is capable. He then engages in suspicious and secretive behavior and when you ask him not to do it, he refuses to stop. Feeling insecure makes sense in this circumstance.

There’s a famous quote that is applicable here: “when someone tells you who they are, believe them.”

Your boyfriend is telling you who he is. He is telling you that he doesn’t care that his behavior upsets you. If you want a happy and healthy relationship, then this problem needs to be rectified before marriage. Many people think that marriage will change their partner or somehow make them different or better. It will do no such thing. He will be the same person after you marry him.

If you marry him knowing about these problems, then you will have no right to complain should nothing change.

Don’t be unwilling to face the truth. You mentioned counseling. It’s the ideal solution to this problem. Couples counseling may be helpful but I would also recommend individual counseling for you. It’s important to analyze why you may be rationalizing his behavior. It will also be important to analyze whether or not this is the right relationship for you. You don’t want to learn the hard way that you married the wrong man. Divorce can be devastating, especially when children are involved.

Few choices are more important than who you marry. Dedicate yourself to learning the truth about this relationship no matter where the truth may lead. You need to know the truth because after all, your happiness depends on it. Counseling could help you immensely. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

February 16, 2021 0 comment

Couples Therapy without the Couple

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 19th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been engaged for almost three years and my fiance was working on a long project that just wrapped up. Since he had delayed the wedding (our our relationship suffered during the project) I wanted to see if he was still committed. (Apparently, he was planning a surprise wedding that I didn’t know about.) I eventually gave him a deadline five months away (which turned out to be the same day as the surprise wedding) to decide whether or not he still wanted to be married. He started going to therapy, which seemed great and helpful. Initially it was individual and a group therapy where they play acted their experiences. Then, we started doing couples therapy for several weeks. We would do assignments from the therapist at home each night for 30 minutes – 1 hour and record them. The therapist listened to all assignments (3 questions about negative things in the relationships, 1 positive) and then met weekly to discuss the assignments only with him. I had wanted to attend these meetings, but that was ignored until a few days ago when I was explicitly told I could not go to that day’s session but could go to another session. In that session she told my partner that our communication would never be “awesome” she also told him that I would never be happy with him. He broke up with me later that day due to a “revelation” he had in therapy. He said that through therapy he had learned that we had a lot of issues he wasn’t aware of before.

His therapist has never spoken a word to me, so I am wondering why I was excluded from couples therapy and his therapist made a judgment about my future feelings (without ever talking to me) that seems to have ended the relationship. I am a nice person (there is no abuse or anything) so I’m wondering what happened. Was this unethical (doing couples therapy without the couple and speaking for one member of the couple that has been excluded)? He is also attracted to his therapist and she seems to like to have an ongoing stable of clients who dramatically play act their relationships and hang out with each other and refer their friends to their group (some of whom are involved in their relationships but are not their partners), which also seems unusual. (From the USA)

First, thanks for having faith in a therapist by writing us here. There are so many things that seem off here that I wouldn’t blame you for distrusting the process. Please know I admire your willingness to take part by asking your question.

It sounds to me like there are a few things that happened that put you into a bad position to begin with. It your fiancé went to the same therapist for individual and group — then you joined in with the same therapist for couples — this typically isn’t good. If this is the case, this is not the usual way couple’s therapy begins because the relationship your fiancé has with the therapist creates a type of bias. If the therapeutic relationship involved individual and group prior to couple’s, then the deck is stacked against you before you go through the door. You don’t start on equal footing, there is a built-up relationship from individual and group, and there isn’t sufficient equality with the therapist going in. There are some unusual circumstances where this isn’t the case, but none of those conditions (like inpatient recovery) are present.

The second thing is your fiancé’s willingness to let you go. If the revelation didn’t involve informing you, bringing you in with a neutral therapist, and it was all acted upon without your presence, then he may have been using the therapy as a way to separate — not come closer to you. Of course, my comments are based on assumptions, but the whole process sounds off and this is my best guess as to what’s happened.

Finally, going forward I would ask that the two of you see another couple’s counselor who specializes in and is trained in couples counseling that neither of you know. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy has qualified people you can find in your area or choose someone from the find help tab at the top of this page.

Use this session to talk about what happened, and what the plan is the two of you need to have going forward. If there is any hope in reviving the relationship it has to be with a neutral therapist. If you need to end the engagement, using the therapist would be the healthiest way to do it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

January 19, 2021 0 comment