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Enmeshment

Concerned about My Mother

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi. My mum is 58 and has lived a very unhealthy life. She had my brother at 16 and my father used to beat her — they would fight almost every day but he didn’t hit her every time. I’ve witnessed him burn her clothes etc. Later in life, she spiraled into a bad gambling addiction and as long as I’ve known her, she has had severe anxiety. We’ve never been able to get on due to her manipulating me into thinking she was always the innocent victim and would have me lie for her to cover up her gambling (I was young and didn’t understand the consequences). As I grew older, my dad also matured and he no longer hits her. But, she is excessively anxious and moody. An example is, if I am at a lecture and she can’t reach my phone for 2 hours, she gets relatives to call up the uni and report me as “missing”. Or if I am at work and she cannot reach me I will have 10 missed called and each with a voicemail of her telling me off for “doing this to her”. She is a loving mother; she’ll do anything for her family. But she is also manipulative and the slightest criticism makes her accuse me of being her enemy. She now lives overseas, which has made matters worse. I recently moved interstate for work and she hysterically started crying over the phone asking why I’m doing this to her (as I moved to a country town with my partner and have no family here).

I know you can’t give a diagnosis. But we can’t get her to see someone either and I wish I knew what it might be that she could be suffering from. I can’t take much any more. It’s come to a point where I avoid speaking to her but it kills me knowing if something happens to her, I’m going to be filled with regret and guilt. Yet, we cannot speak to one another without it ending in a fight. With all this, my tolerance for her has decreased which means I am no longer easy for her to talk to either. What do you think this might be? Any suggestions may help me understand where to look for help. Thanks for your time. (From Australia)

There may be many reasons for your mother’s behavior. A term that is often used to describe it is “enmeshment.” Your mother’s need to be in touch with you is outside the norm, which puts an excessive burden on you. This kind of over-dependency is emotional suffocation and too much pressure.

You’re not in a position to help your mom without losing yourself. I would encourage you to set a limit, not respond to the excessive emails and calls, and not be apologetic for setting these limits.

This is not easy. I recommend you get individual therapy as support during this time.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Adult Child or Asperger’s

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been in a relationship with a man in his mid-40’s for over a year, and as a couple without outside influences we have a supportive, loving and kind relationship, and rarely a disagreement. We moved around the corner from his mum but the last 6 months it appears she has tried to manipulatively break us up. I’ll give you some examples. She came into our home and placed photos of him as a child on our fridge and around the house. We only ever socialise with her, friends her age, and while we are at those occasions she superficially talks up her son’s talents, and looks, and how special he is. My partner lovingly tries to talk about things me or my family are also doing, and every single time she changes the subject, or worse, talks about someone she distantly knows that did the same thing or better. My partner tries to enable me to be proud of myself and my family too, but it’s always to no avail. She has completely shattered my confidence, that I don’t speak much anymore. We’ve been trying for a baby for over a year and she told me when she found out that he can’t afford to have a child because he needs her permission because he owes her money (he doesn’t owe her much). She then tried to convince me to break up with him and go out with my best friend. They have told me for some time the family does not celebrate birthdays, but recently for my partner’s 45th all her friends starting saying his mum was organising a dinner. He said my mother won’t decide for me who I spend my birthday with. I want to spend my day with you.. Next thing, a motorcyclist had bumped the side of her car, no one was injured but he said his mum was in a catatonic state. He then told her she could organise her dinner because she wanted to. We got there, and she had pulled out of her catatonic state pretty brilliantly, with balloons you’d see at 12 year olds party and her two closest friends. I couldn’t get a word in much at this dinner, but one of her friends said she was looking for a husband, and his mum said, darling you should marry her. It’s all caused me so much pain. (From Australia)

This has nothing to do with Asperger’s. You partner has to step up and confront his mother about her shenanigans. This is simply an immature manipulative effort on his mother’s part. It isn’t worth your time or effort to continuing a relationship with someone that doesn’t accept you. He needs to explain to her exactly what she is doing and how destructive it is. Once this is done –confront her every time she does something that undermines you, and both of you praise her and validate her when she does something supportive. If she doesn’t respond in a reasonable amount of time I’d begin severely limiting time and contact with her.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Mother Is Too Attached to Me and I Don’t Know How to Leave

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My mother has always been very controlling so when it came to graduating high school, I was very excited to be going off to college. However, my mother, who insists that she “would rather die than live without” me, continuously threw temper tantrums and complained to every family member possible until I caved and went to a university close to home. For the past 3 1/2 years, I have been commuting back and forth. I felt like I have missed so much of the college experience and have such little freedom compared to everyone else my age.

I’m finally graduating from college and am planning to move to another city where there are more job opportunities. I know she is planning on following me because she continues with her “I cannot live alone” narrative. All I want is to stand up and say “no, I’m not living with you anymore,” but I can’t help but feel extremely guilty for even thinking it. I don’t want to leave her alone, yet I feel like I will never be happy until I can be independent.

Don’t let your mother’s needs become yours. Her unhealthy dependence on you must be assessed directly. You may want to enlist the help of a therapist to do this, but it needs to be done — and done with some compassion for your mother’s limitations.

There are five things I would recommend moving forward.

  1. Get some support for yourself. Talk to those at your college’s counseling center and explain the issue. They can help you with individual or perhaps group therapy support. You don’t want to break away from your mother without having adequate support for yourself.
  2. Once you have this support begin your campaign by being clear and open with your plan to move away. You don’t want this to be fueled by pressure for you to get out suddenly, and you’ll want time for your mother to realize this is happening. Be sure you have your plans in place to the extent you can, before talking about it. Otherwise it may seem like you are asking her for permission.
  3. Anticipate the antics she used last time and begin learning ways to diffuse them. When she tells family members, be clear with them that you understand it will be difficult for your mom, but that isn’t going to change your plans. Invite the family members to help your mother by being available for her when you are gone.
  4. Don’t gloss over her statements when she says she would die if you left. Use this as an opportunity to talk to her about how controlling these statements are to you and that, if they are true, that it is important for her to talk to a therapist about them — not to use them to influence your decisions.
  5. Finally, be resolved in you decision and be assertive with your mom. Having support outside your family will help, but being clear and assertive about your needs is essential.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Why My Mom Hates Me

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Hi there, I have a question regarding to my mom and why she appears to hate me in comparison to my brother and sister. I’m the oldest, my brother is the middle child and my sister is the youngest. My brother, my parents seemed to have focused majority of their attention on him which honestly wasn’t a big deal to me, but my sister who has caused so much grief on my mom even calling her the c-word and run in with the law and being physically violent with her still is treated with so much more respect than me. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I was a child of obedience, good grades, never swore, just desperately wanted to please my parents to no end, you get the picture. When I was a teenager she was physically and emotionally abusive with me, she went through a bad divorce with my dad and the death of her mother and sister so she did take it out on us, more so me and dealing with bulimia.  My mom does depend on me now for rides to work because she lost her license and does have type 1 diabetes so I’m the one responsible for her even though I want to move out and begin my life with my 7 year boyfriend. My mom doesn’t approve of us living together so I am afraid she will end our mother daughter relationship because she’s threatened it before. To this day she treats me horribly compared to my brother and sister even though I try hard not to start fights with her, I’m very quiet and passive which I guess she hates? And she walks all over me if my sister refuses to do something for my mom. Whenever I have tried to tell her how I feel she manipulates me into thinking something is wrong with me, she also seems to have a narcissistic personality problem but I’m not going to diagnose her. How can I begin my life without starting a war. An example that happened is that I expressed excitement over my future home that I offered that she can help decorate, she refused and said if I moved out she would never come over or talk to me but when my brother expressed wanting to move out she offered to pay his rent. Please help. (age 25, from Canada)

I don’t think the problem is that your mother hates you. I think it is that she needs you too much. Somewhere along the lines the boundaries may have gotten blurred and she began relying on you more than taking care of you. Things probably shifted during the time that she suffered so many losses. When you talk about moving out or asserting your independence she probably becomes fearful and does whatever she needs to do to keep you close, and it appears to be working. It doesn’t sound like she “needs” your brother and sister as much so she isn’t threatened by their independence.

You and your mother may have developed a codependent or enmeshed relationship and it will take time to unravel, but your mother will never be the one to initiate this change. It will be up to you, and it’s hard work.

You obviously love and care about your mother and are most likely still seeking her approval, so just telling you to move out and start living your own life may be too much too soon, but it is ultimately what you need to do. You can do it as lovingly as possible and help your mom strategize other ways to get her needs met, such as transportation, or you can just rip the bandage off and make you your number one priority and let your mom figure it out herself. After all, she has been an adult a lot longer than you. Don’t sell her short.

However, I understand that changing these ingrained patterns will take time and your self-esteem has been affected. Because this is hard work, I suggest that you enlist the help of a good therapist or find a local support group that addresses boundaries and codependency. There are also many self-help books on these topics. You deserve to be happy and live your own life, and your mom deserves to know you as a daughter, not her savior.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Communication Issues with Asperger Father

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My father has Asperger Syndrome which never used to bug me because I never knew, but the older I become, the harder it is to communicate with him. He is so difficult to talk to and asks all of these questions in an accusatory manor but never listens to the answers I give to him. I try so hard to not get mad at every single thing that he says to me but it is so hard and sometimes without even realizing it I find myself snapping at him out of no where. I seem to be the only one with an attitude problem directly towards him. I think that me acting this way towards my father mainly has to do with the fact that my mother and father have serious marital problems, and me and my mother constantly talk about them and as time went on I started to get irritated by him because I’m on her side. But at the same time he is so difficult to communicate with and he NEVER thinks he does anything wrong. I’m already struggling communicating my current emotional status with my mom about their problems and I feel like I have so much going on in my mind, I wish I didn’t treat my father the way I did. I want to be able to hide my feelings of anger and be able to communicate with him without snapping. Sometimes we have our good days but then he ruins it by being rude, judgmental, accusatory, or throws some behind-the-back insult at me or my mom. I just really need help with my communication skills. Especially when the day comes that my parents split which is the time period when I will need my communication to be much much better. Please help. (age 18, from US)

From what you are describing here, it seems to me that your change in attitude and communication with your father are stemming from the fact that your mother confided in you about her marital issues as a friend, not a daughter. If your father truly has Asperger’s Syndrome then he has always had it, it is not something new.  It could also be that his way of communicating has become more irritating to you as you have become an older teenager, in that there may be more things to disagree about, such as curfews, boyfriends, etc.

However, your mother should not have put you in the middle of their marriage. It is not fair to you. I suggest that you put a boundary in place yourself and let her know that she needs to talk to her friends or a therapist about her problems and that you want to stay out of it. In the meantime, I hope that you will try to find a way to reconnect to your father. Start by spending time together doing something you both like so that the time will be focused on an activity rather than relying on conversation. It may also help if you gently let him know if he hurts your feelings or upsets you and suggest an alternative way of asking you what he wants to know. Considering that he will always be your father, regardless of the status of their marriage, it might also be a good idea to have some family therapy sessions together to help improve your relationship with him.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Mother-in-Law Best Friends with Husband’s Ex-Girlfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My mother-in-law is best friends with my husband’s ex, who he has known since he was little and dated after high school for like 2 years. We have been married for 7 years and it has been an issue. His mom treats her like her daughter and because of this I distance myself from her. The ex tried to separate us several times and even married my husband’s friend. She got pregnant last years and miscarried and tried to reach out to my husband for support. My mother-in-law talks about her to me all the time with no sympathy even though my husband and I have said things to her. In a few years my husband and I want to build a house and have my mother-in-law move in for financial reasons and because she is an older lady. But I know she will want the ex to come over and she will say she helped pay for the house so she can have whoever she wants over. Although my husband understands why I am upset, he and his mom both say I have issues and need to grow up. I am at a loss of what to do. Do I just get over it and if they have an affair I get a divorce? Or do I get over it and trust my husband that she is an ex and he doesn’t want anything to do with her? I am a jealous person and I have trust issues. I love my husband but I feel like my mother-in-law needs to respect my feelings after many conversations (ending it she will talk to who she wants and I need to grow up and I have issues). The ex has no concern over my feelings because I have confronted her multiple times about it. I am at a loss.

At the risk of saying the obvious you and your husband are too involved with his mother. This is called enmeshment. Planning to have her move in with you for financial reasons seems like going from a bad situation to worse. Why would both of you want to live with a person who has no regard for your feelings? No amount of extra living space is worth the aggravation and would be setting yourselves up for a disaster. You and your husband need to have a different plan for your future that includes less (certainly not more) of his mother and none of his ex. If there are no children from his ex, then the two of you need to make a life separate and apart from both of them.

Your husband telling you to grow up is also interesting. His mother is flagrant about her lack of respect and makes a point of talking about the ex. Your husband is aware of the history of her trying to break the two of you up — so he and his mom saying you should grow up seems like he wants a simple solution rather than to respect how you feel.

In order to forge a new plan I’d recommend you have a few sessions with a couple counselor. This will bring the issue in front of a third party who may be able to help. The “Find help” tab at the top of this page will help you find someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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