Tag:

Estranged Family

My Love of My Wife and Parents Are Hurting Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 2, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Brasil: My wife is a brilliant lady and she loves me very much, so do I. I married her 4 years back without the knowledge of my parents as they were against this marriage. She was from a different country and the only way she could live with me was by marrying me to have a visa. Being an emotional person i agreed to marry her at the age of 26 unwillingly.

2 years later I got my parents to agree to my relationship and remarried her. But soon after the wedding there was a twist. My wife and my parents couldn’t get along.

My parents are not the perfect guys but they are for me as they brought me up filling me with happiness and showing me way to success. But their expectations to my wife and her expectations to my parents don’t match. Everything my parents says becomes offensive to her. If my parents visit my home, she spends most of her time in the shut room and there will be minimum communication.

I have tried to convince her to act in front of my parents as they were old and ignore whatever they say. At 60+ we cannot change them anymore and they are very important to me. But she insist and tells me that I must rather protect her from my parents.

I have been taking care of her since our relationship started in 2009 mentally and financially. I feel bad that even after this she can’t adjust to something that is important to me. But she do loves me and takes care of me in all other way. She ran away from her family to be with me one day lying to her parents.

I feel like I’m in the midst of fire and sea. I don’t know what should I do? I love both and I hate to see them sad. My parents had lost their 1st son in an accident, they are still recovering from that. Now they are sad with the relationship I am having due to non-cooperation from my wife.

What should I do? Do I just stop everything? Leave my family and wife and have a peaceful life? I am tired. I have been announced as the best employee this year but I have been slacking now and can’t focus much on work.

It’s been said that the way a relationship starts is the way it continues unless something dramatic happens. You two started as a secret from both sets of parents and had a world of your own. Your wife seems to want to continue that arrangement. She wants a world that just includes you and her. Since she has left her parents behind, she wants you to do the same.

It was an unfortunate way to start your marriage, especially since you weren’t entirely willing. It’s an unfair demand for your wife to make now. From what you say, your parents have always been good to you and they have accepted your marriage. You are correct that at their age, they cannot be expected to behave very differently. They are who they are. In addition, they have already lost one child so the relationship with you and your family is all the more important.

Your wife probably doesn’t realize that her unwillingness to be compassionate and accepting of your parents may well end your marriage. It’s never reasonable to ask someone like yourself to choose between people they love. The partner almost always loses.

I realize counseling services are limited in Brazil, but I do think you should make the effort to find a couples therapist. Your wife needs to learn how to manage visits with your parents. You need to learn ways to reassure her of your love and support her emotionally so she can do it.

Do understand that this is not a situation unique to you. In my practice, I’ve seen many couples with this problem. We are generally able to find ways to get someone like you out of the middle and identify strategies so the partner can tolerate it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 2, 2024 0 comments

I Feel as if My Parents Have Lost Interest in Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 25, 2023

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I deal with other issues that I am well aware of, such as major social anxiety, but I have not been able to go to a therapist or get it treated before. Albeit, my family moves every 4 years, so I don’t have any close physical connections other than the connections with my family. Recently, I have tried to separate myself from my computer more so and spend more time with my family, because I know I will be moving away eventually. I graduated this year and have been unable to find a job because of the COVID-19 outbreak, but quite honestly, I have been feeling rather mentally healthy because of the quarantine and the secluded nature of my days.
Being very close to my family (except my father, he is very emotionally abusive and targets me the worst in the family), I’ve been wanting to talk to my mom more and my brothers. But every time and every day I attempt to speak with her or my little brothers, they are annoyed or disinterested and ask me to leave or leave themselves. Before I was 18, my mother was rather playful with me and we had a good connection, she was like my best friend and my string onto sanity after intense social anxiety breakdowns every hour within the school. Though, now I feel like she is trying to distance herself from me or avoid conversation, or just love me much less. I just want to talk about anything, nothing complicated or controversial, but she’s so tired of me. I don’t think she’s tired overall, though, because she is very different from my brothers. I just wish she could show me the same enthusiasm she shows my brothers. Now that she’s disinterested in me, I feel like I’ve lost the last physical person in my life who would care if I were to pass away.

I have online friends who I really appreciate and have helped me so much. It’s much easier for me to talk and express myself online than in person. I understand she probably wants me to move out, but I can’t with the pandemic happening. I just turned 18 in June after graduating online, but it still deeply hurts to feel rejected by the person I still love the most. This started happening at the beginning of June. (From the USA)

While I am saddened by the fact you feel this disconnect from your family there are a few things that make sense about it. Your father’s emotional abuse, combined with you being targeted and the chronic moving all contribute to the disconnect in the family. Your father’s abuse can cause the family to splinter in this way, and this may be leaving you to feel disconnected as well.

My encouragement is to do two things and develop as much of a relationship with your siblings and mother as possible while broadening your social network outside the home. Your friends and online community are a great place to star, but I would also look for connecting with like-minded individuals toward learning something new. Perhaps classes, enrollment in a university, independent classes in music, painting, writing, or drawing may help you engage with others as you are learning something new. This is the best way to balance your desire to want more from your family, learn something new while growing the network of people you can connect with.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

November 25, 2023 0 comments

My Son Married an Armenian Woman and Has Alienated His Whole Family

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 17, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My son’s wife I believe brainwashed him. We were a very close family up till the day after he married this Armenian woman. We, meaning the whole family, grandmother, sister, cousins, and aunt. We are a small family. We are not allowed to know where they live. He admits that his wife is mean to me in hopes I never will visit again. He has allowed this behavior from her which I do not understand.

My mom, sister, daughter and I went out for two days and only got to see the children the first day at dinner. The second day my son came out by himself. When my daughter went to hug his wife, his wife kept her arms to her side. I have sent birthday gifts and his wife has given them as if they were from my son and her.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have recently just told my son to leave us all alone until he can respect us all. He wanted to come visit by himself for a few hours. His family has been to town and had not even called for us to visit with the children.

His grandfather that has money gets framed pictures of the children, my mom gets nothing. My sister’s son and my son were very close. Grew up like brothers. He no longer has anything to do with him. My son is very successful. He is a Dr of Pharmacy and a Director at a large company. He also runs a lab and is a professor that taught compounding medicine for human and zoo animals. He is very smart but no common sense.

His last girlfriend and him were just fine with us all. They were together for 3 years. He met this woman in NY, she was a chef. She received her education in France. Our family had a flower shop that I managed and then owned for 25 years. We lived 1 block from the shop. My sister, my only sibling and her family lived in FL. My parents took my children at least 4-5 times a year. Then our sons would meet in New Orleans, when they were old enough to drive. I have tried everything and am tired of crying. Thank you in advance for any advice you can offer.

I can only imagine how painful it is for you to be separated from your son and your grandchildren in this way. But you are correct: Your daughter-in-law is not solely at fault. Your son is allowing this situation to exist. Although it is certainly appropriate for him to put his own family first in many ways, there is no reason for him to do so at the expense of your relationship with him and his children — and his wife.

His wife is apparently asking him to choose between her and his family of origin. This is generally a disastrous demand. No one should have to choose between the people he loves and the people who love him. Such a separation often eventually erodes the marriage.

You have ended up putting him in the same bind his wife did. Telling him to leave you alone until he can behave differently only deprives you of seeing him.

I suggest that you bide your time. Love him as best you can. Let him know how much you miss seeing him and his family. Repeat that you are prepared to love his wife as well — and mean it. As Michelle Obama said in her convention speech, “When someone goes low, go high.” You will feel better about yourself and you leave an opening for your son to reconnect at some point.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

September 17, 2022 0 comments

Whether or Not/How to Reestablish Relationship with Children After Parental Alienation

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 20, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

After being denied contact with my 2 children for the past 8 years, I had all my parental rights, I recently found my now 21 yr old daughter on Instagram. Upon receiving a reply from her..I found out that her father had told her that I threatened him until he allowed me to terminate my parental rights 8 yrs ago, that I didn’t want her… only my son. That all my rights were gone, and that she & my son had been subjected to horrible stories of abuse etc during their 1st 13yrs of life with me.

It’s not true. I did drink… and I admit that it was a problem but only in a sense that I did drink. I never abused my children… and the judges order took into account the whole story and none of my rights etc were ever taken away… just that my daughter was 13 and allowed to choose where she lived which resulted in his getting physical custody of both. Immediately after which he began to deny visitation and started his lies.

I left the state after taking him to court for contempt several times over the period of 1.5yrs. He was ordered to comply… next weekend came around… I was told he’d call the cops if I came in the property..and at the last hearing..both my children testified that they wished I’d just leave them alone.

So I left. I had to..I couldn’t handle being in the same house..same town..without my kids. I sent cards..I sent gifts..I tried calling..for the first 2 years. I finally gave up. I started trying again 3 years ago. All gifts/cards refused and returned by mail. No contact.

My finding my daughters Instagram acct is the 1st chance I’ve had at getting a direct message to her without interference. Only to be told all of this.

What do I do? She’s now blocked me… but do I push the issue? Do I send her the proof that I never signed off on her? What do I do? I’ve suffered horribly over the last 8 years… thinking they both truly just didn’t care… that their father had finally won his plan of revenge since I left him. He did win… he’s the only one who did. But what do I do? I love them both so much.

I can appreciate the deep love you have for your children. This is complicated — and with legal implications — so my answer is going to err on the safer side. There are times when the law and psychology conflict, overlap, or cancel out each other and when this happens I think it is important to be on the firmest ground legally, first.

Get a good consult from a lawyer who is experienced with parental alienation. Let him or her review the case and find out what your rights are, how your daughter’s age affects your contact, and perhaps most importantly what the risks are of pushing the connection. Following this you can decide what to do, and what kind of support you need. There are psychologists and social workers that specialize (or are at least familiar working with) parental alienation cases. You may want to use them after you make your decision as they can either help you cope — or move forward.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

August 20, 2022 0 comments