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Evenings

Creating an identity in my relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 1, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 21 years old and my boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now. We decided to move in together about 8 weeks ago and it’s a decision I don’t regret. We have a strong relationship; I love and trust him, as I believe he loves and trusts me. My problem: He’s a struggling musician who’s trying to break into the recording industry. He has connections with a studio and is recording as often as he can, while trying to be as available for networking as he can be. Most of his hours though are evenings and late into early morning. I am so proud of him and his progress, (as he’s been working on this album for about a year now) but can’t help but feel left out of the sequence. I dropped out of college last year and have been working full-time. I love the company and the people I work with, but don’t love the idea of staying there long term, as it’s not something I feel real passionate about. With work becoming more monotonous and my boyfriend’s career becoming more demanding, I’m finding myself more alone and unhappy as ever. I love that his love for music is something he’s pursuing and I don’t want to break up with him as I truly believe he is “the one” for me. But the more time he devotes to his love for music the more lost I feel. I’m stuck in this world where I don’t feel like I have or do anything for myself. How do I get myself out of this slump?

It sounds to me like you really didn’t know what you were getting into. What you are describing is typical of young musicians’ hours. If he’s convinced he’s going to get signed if he just keeps at it, he is unlikely to change his schedule for you. That’s because most of the people he wants to work with and network with are keeping the same night owl hours. Girlfriends have a choice: Focus on developing your own career and friendships and catch him on the fly as you pass each other or join the band (if not literally, figuratively).

If you can’t be happy with either of those choices, you may have to rethink whether the time is right for you to live together. If you were only dating, you two would have to make plans to have time together. In the live-in situation, it’s easier to take it for granted that of course you’ll come together now and then without planning – which often doesn’t happen. Since you feel so strongly that he’s “the one,” do try to talk it through. You can’t live your life only in reaction to his choices. You need to feel you have an equal part in making the decisions about how the two of you are going to manage your lives. That’s part of being a couple.

If you continue to live together, I do hope your boyfriend has a day job and is taking care of his share of the expenses and household chores. If you’re doing it all and getting so little of his time and attention, you’re going to end up resentful as well as lonesome.

I wish your guy the best of luck in breaking into the music biz. And I wish the two of you the best in finding a way to grow as a couple during the process.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 1, 2024 0 comments

He won’t introduce me to his kids

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 23, 2023

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

We’ve been together over 3 yrs, very serious, he lives with me (I pay all bills as he pays for his ex-wife + all bills in the home she lives in with his 3 kids) Ages 16, 12 (girls) + 10(boy)-their bdays are coming up this summer. He was separated for at least a year when we met but went through a difficult divorce “battling over issues” so that took awhile to complete but he finally did last year.

He wanted me to meet the kids much earlier when I thought we should wait…then the divorce got rough + we both thought it best to wait….now is now. Divorce done deal, he still sincerely speaks of our future + his being with me forever….but no involvement with the kids.

Any night he sees them, I don’t see him. + Vice versa. He sees them Mon + Wed nights after work+school + gets home between 10:30 + 11 depending on how late he feels he needs to stay with them (oh, at the home his ex lives at w/them–she leaves Mon +Wed + comes home approx 9pm + goes into her rm til he leaves). He also picks them up Fri evenings and sleeps over his parents with them (only the 2 younger ones)+ drops them off Sat about 4pm then he comes home (to me/us)….. I could go on with details I think may be pertinent…..but i feel like there is enough info here to be able to tell me something…like, how nuts am I + how if he hasn’t called any of the therapists he said he looked into, he never will….+ as long as this totally works for him, why would he change it?

HELP, need some GOOD advice. (All my friends + OUR mutual friends think i should leave/give up….he’s a great guy, great dad but he has some serious kid issues…he doesn’t give them boundries + lets them make the decisions,,,,can’t say no)~

I read a similar letter from June 06 where a gal left their apt every his kids came to see him there…some differences, clearly, in our stories. Any advice??

As you said, this works for him. Why would he change it? It seems he feels guilty about the divorce and is keeping things as unchanged for his kids as he can. He’s also trying to make up for it by being more like a buddy than a parent. I’m sure he genuinely loves his kids. I’m reasonably sure he also loves you. But on some level, he’s not coming to grips with his new reality and isn’t able to help the kids make the adjustment either. Meanwhile, you participate in the situation by paying all the bills and accepting the way he is structuring his life.

I’m not going to tell you to leave him. I don’t know enough about him. I do suggest you make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in divorced and restructured families. Go by yourself a few times to lay the groundwork. Then invite your partner to join you. The two of you need to work together to figure out the role you will have in the children’s lives and how he can be a supportive father while they adjust to the entire situation. Ideally, you will also develop at least a courteous and respectful relationship with his ex. After all, you will be co-parenting the children as they move back and forth between your homes. If your partner won’t join you in the project, you’ll have the information you need to decide what you need to do.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 23, 2023 0 comments

How do you reach an empty person?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 4, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I grew up in a wonderful family with two loving parents. My parents raised four children, three of us over twenty and the youngest brother is fourteen. During my childhood, my father was always my best friend and my hero. We spent countless hours together and are very close. I have since grown up and married, but still thank God for the amazing childhood i was blessed with.

Two weeks ago my dad told my mom he no longer had feelings for her. He said he could no longer love her and he would be a better father if he was not at home. He said he was unhappy and needed a change to be happy. This was a total bombshell. No one saw this coming. Neither did my two older siblings when my dad told them. They immediately went into shock and did not know what to do. I was told a week after my siblings. Since then we have been in a non-stop battle getting my dad to try to love our mom and family again and let us fill him with happiness.

To understand this situation a person must know my father. He came from a large family in the Midwest. He bought into a struggling business in 25 years ago and has since become independently wealthy with nothing more than hard work, a two week college education and a little luck. He has always been a model family man. He spent every night at home and always made sure to attend his children’s sporting events, no matter how busy he was. But he now spends much of his evenings away from home, even though my 14 year old brother is still growing up. He has always been a very frugal man, living life without many frills. But in the past couple years he has changed his spending habits. What our family assumed was him enjoying his success now appears to be his attempts to buy happiness.

He appears so hollow and dead to the world. He tells us he does not want to try to make our family work. We are trying anything to help him realize what he will miss. We are trying to let him know we can help make him happy.

We need advice about how to get through to him. Please give us some guidance on how we can convince him to give our family a try.

Thanks.

I’m sure this has been a terrible shock to all of you. Your dad isn’t dead to the world. He is depressed. Like many people, he has worked real hard and reached a point of transition in his life. Unfortunately, the term “midlife crisis” is often made into jokes. It’s not. It’s a very real time of taking stock and asking “Is this all there is?” For some people, radical change seems to be the only way to answer the question. The enormity of that idea often leads people to depression.

There is absolutely nothing you can do or say to argue your father out of his position. What you can do is be compassionate about how confused and sad and hopeless he feels. All of you can let him know how much you love and appreciate him. Instead of trying to talk him out of his plan, let him know that you understand that he must feel really, really desperate to throw over everything he has worked so hard for. Love him. Get by your anger and love him. He is in crisis.

Talk to your family doctor about getting your dad in for an appointment. Sometimes midlife depression is the result of illness. You want to make sure he is medically okay. If so, then see if he would be willing to be treated for his depression. A combination of medication and some talk therapy is usually the best approach. From what you say, he is an honorable man. You could try asking him to give therapy an honest try for a few months before he makes a final decision. Let him know you will all be sad but will respect his decision if he still wants out.

Be there for your mother. She needs you. You and your siblings can fold her into your families’ love and help her with raising your younger brother. You’ll also need to work on coming to terms with having a different relationship with your dad. Regardless of how he is currently behaving, he has been exemplary for many years. That may have gone underground for now but it isn’t gone. If he does stay this course, you will all need to find a way to stay connected to him even though you don’t approve of his choices.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 4, 2011 0 comments

Depression in my relationship

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 2, 2011

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. About a month ago I told him I wanted to move out. I have felt like for 6 years I have spent my time and energy devoted to him and not me. He is disabled so he doesnt work, so when I get home it’s like if I don’t give him all my attention he gets upset.He is an acholoic and addictied to pain pills so he is that much worse in the evenings. If I go out with friends or when I leave for my night classes he gets all sad and upset because he says he is so lonely. He tells me he gave up all his friends for me. (Not true, his friends are drug addict’s and it was me or them)So much of the time I feel obligated to stay home and be there so he wont be lonely. We have never really been alot alike. We are 8 years apart in age. He was 28 and I was 20 when we started dating. He is a momma’s boy my parents are divorced and live 2000 miles away. I have worked since I was 15 he has worked here and there till he got disabled. I graduated from highschool and I am in college now, he never graduated high school. I love people and traveling he has social anxiety. I use to think I could help him, I thought if I loved him enough I could help him be a more outgoing, people person who wanted to quit letting the world pass him by. But what has really happened is I have because more closed up to people, instead of me rubbing off on him he rubbed off on me. I reliezed no matter how much I loved him after 6 years he was not gonna change. Then after I told him I wanted out, he asked me not too and some of his habits did start to get better, he started giving me my space and really started trying to make things better. Ok, but here comes the problem, I still dont know if I want to stay, I don’t trust that it is going to get better, it has already gotten so bad how can it? But I cant bring myself to leave I dont know what Im afraid of. I never wanted to hurt him I know he is a real fraigle person but I cant stand putting myself aside any more. I have spent nearly all my twenties trying to make this work. I am sad all the time, when I take showers my hair falls out in clumps, I dont want to go anywhere or be around anybody. I just dont know what to do. I am too scared to leave and too heartbroken to stay. I feel like I am going crazy.

I can understand why you are feeling confused. You are dealing with a complicated set of issues. Ethically, I cannot make a choice for you (i.e., whether to end the relationship) but I can provide some guidance and an objective opinion.

There are several understandable reasons why you may fear leaving this relationship. One, as you said, is that you don’t want to hurt him. You realize that ending the relationship will be very difficult for him. He will likely suffer. That guilt probably stops you from ending it.

A second reason why you may not want to leave is the fear of being alone. There is an idiom that seems appropriate here: “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” What this means, in the context of relationships, is that many people would rather stay in their current situation with the known unhappiness than enter into a new lifestyle with the unknown unhappiness that it may bring. Also, for some, the thought of being alone is frightening.

Neither guilt nor having a fear of loneliness is a healthy reason to stay in a relationship.

Two other complicating factors are that he is disabled and he is addicted to drugs. You might erroneously feel guilty for ending a relationship with a person who is so disadvantaged. If so, please don’t. He may have problems but he is capable of making the changes that you have asked of him. He is a partner in the relationship and there are problems with his behavior. As you have pointed out, he could make many positive changes that would greatly enhance the quality of his life and of the relationship but he chooses not to. You have given him ample opportunity to make the necessary changes but he has not done so.

His drug addiction is another major issue in the relationship. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone addicted to drugs. There may be happy moments throughout the course of the relationship but for all practical purposes, drug addiction ruins relationships. In addition, by not addressing his drug addiction you may inadvertently be supporting it.

You seem to have made legitimate attempts to improve the relationship. But even in light of some positive changes on his part, you are still unhappy. My belief is that you know that it is over but fear and guilt are preventing you from ending the relationship. In my experience people who stay for these reasons often feel resentment toward their partner. It is not healthy for you nor is it fair to your partner.

If you continue to struggle with how to handle this situation, consider consulting a therapist. A therapist could provide informed guidance and help to clarify your thinking. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you locate mental health resources in your community. Please consider writing back to let me know how you are doing. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

June 2, 2011 0 comments

My boyfriend has extreme anxiety

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 30, 2011

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

For starters, I should tell you that we have lived together for the past several years. We’ve always gotten along really well, we don’t have arguments and both appreciate the lack of drama in the other.

For the last several months, he has been wrestling with extreme anxiety. It is at its’ worst when he is at home. He says that as he’s driving home, he can just feel the anxiety rising in him. He says he just feels like he’s going to explode but there’s no reason and nothing to explode about. Being at home just drives him crazy, he says. To quote a text he sent just today “Not sure what but something about home drives me up the wall”. By the end of the evening, his hands are shaking and his heart is racing.

Other symptoms? Complete lack of sex drive. He’s totally capable, he just doesn’t want to. I thought perhaps he was seeing someone else or found someone else he desired but he insists that he just doesn’t have any desire at all.

He is also sleeping a great deal more than he used to. He says he likes going to sleep because then the feeling goes away. I’ve also noticed a decrease in his appetite, I think. That’s hard to gauge because he’s been home so little and because he’s never been one to eat regular meals unless I make them.

I expressed the thought that perhaps the anxiety gets worse on his way home because his mind is clearing, because he’s putting the thoughts of what he has to do next for work away. He doesn’t feel this can be the case because when he was recently working out of town for a week, he had much less anxiety in the evenings.
I’m still convinced (or maybe it’s just hopeful) that because when he’s out of town, he’s sort of always on the job and therefore doesn’t ever let down in quite the same way.

He absolutely, completely and totally refuses to see a doctor. He won’t go see a doctor when he’s feeling close to death’s door … there’s no way I can get him in there for this. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve suggested couples counseling and he won’t even talk about that.

So here’s my ultimate question … do you think I could be on the right track? Or is it silly to think that he could repress his anxiety during his workday and thus experience it mostly at home?

There are several reasons why your boyfriend might be feeling his anxiety and depressive symptoms. I certainly can understand your frustration and his reluctance to go for help. But perhaps there is another way to approach this.

This is a self-help quiz for depression. It will give your boyfriend feedback that is objective and generated by his own input. I think you having him read this letter, and encouraging him to take the quiz, may be a way of opening up the dialogue at a deeper level.

If he is unwilling to go to couples counseling with you I would encourage you to go to individual counseling to begin coping with this situation for yourself. When you partner is becoming more isolative the only way to approach this is to offer your thoughts, feelings and suggestions, and then take care of yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,

Dr. Dan

April 30, 2011 0 comments