Tag:

Extramarital Affair

My Wife Connects with Men Online

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 16th, 2023

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My wife continues to connect with men online but says she does it to bring back passion into our relationship. My wife and I are high school sweethearts and have been together for 30 years (married for 20). Sex has never been very important to her and we are intimate a dozen or less times a year. We deeply care for each other and I have suppressed my own sexual needs to accommodate her lower desire. We have two children and over the last several years have lost a bit of our connection. I have found my wife connecting with other men on social websites and engaging in flirtatious messaging that turns into sexual chatting and even phone conversations six times over the last couple of years. I have confronted her each time I have found out and she says it is innocent and would never turn physical and that she only wants to bring passion back into our relationship. These relationships are emotional affairs in my opinion and hurt very deeply and make it hard for me to trust and connect with my wife. I have also not witnessed her bringing any passion back to me.

We have tried working with two different MFT’s and both times my wife clams up and feels attacked and gets defensive. I have worked on myself with a therapist for a couple of years and I am trying to improve my communications. When I take responsibility for my part of our problems, she very easily shifts the focus on me for everything.

I just recently discovered that she is connecting with another man online again and I am at the end of my rope. I am tired of being lied to and deceived. Her false promises to truly work on our relationship are harder to believe, but I still lover her and I want to work things out for us and our kids sake. I am just not sure she can or will focus on our relationship. She tells me she loves me, but that something is missing for her and she can’t put her finger on it.

I have suggested going to sex therapist together to work on our intimate relationship and connection, but I am afraid it will be a waste of time again. I desperately want to see my wife be a proactive partner in repairing our relationship, but I am not sure she can or will.

I am not sure how to go forward, any suggestions?

Thank you for your email. The emotional affairs your wife is engaged in involves systematic betrayal. Although you’ve tried to address the problem correctly, she continues to undermine the relationship and has failed to take adequate responsibility. It is important not to minimize this ongoing betrayal. Clearly, she is not giving your relationship the priority it deserves. It is probably time to move on from a marriage and family therapist — to a divorce mediator.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

April 16, 2023 0 comment

MSW Wife Crossed Boundaries with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 22nd, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am an alcoholic. I sought treatment in a residential treatment center in 2008. While in treatment my therapist and I entered into a personal and sexual relationship. This continued after my stay and she offered to move me into her home. After about 1 year she had employment issues and lost her job. I was able and strong enough to find a professional job that could support us, but it was out of state. She at this time proposed we marry and have a long distance marriage. The last 3 years we have been living back together and she has worked at 2 different hospitals. I have always had passing feelings that our marriage and entire life was all just a cover up for her actions to protect her reputation. She leads a completely different life and personality away from home. I also have had feelings of numerous extra marital affairs on her part but could never catch her. She is very manipulative and cunning. I finally caught her in an affair with a technician at her last hospital.

I do not want this to be revenge but I feel like the whole last 7 years of life has been a lie and fake just so she could keep her secrets. If I bring this to light to her current and former employers, and the state board of social work, will they take me seriously or just think I am bitter about the cheating. I now am thinking clearly and can recount many incidents of just how delusional she is and confused I was. At the least to me her behavior was unethical, unprofessional, and she should not be allowed to do it again without seeking help. She is again trying to manipulate me into thinking this was all my fault and we should just move on? I am clear enough to know that is not happening. I believe she has manipulated other patients, coworkers, and family members before and will do it again. No one should be subjected to what she did to me. I can verify all this obviously and the current affair can also be verified. Should I report her or just get on with my life?

It’s important to ask yourself this question: What is your motivation for wanting to report her? Is it revenge? I think that is a distinct possibility. You might be angry about her infidelity and abuse, and this is your way of paying her back.

She was just as unethical before you caught her cheating and before you married her, but now you want to report her. You didn’t turn her in before you caught her cheating, but now you want to. It was just as right to turn her in before you caught her being unfaithful as it is right now. Turning her in should have nothing to do with her infidelity. If you do turn her in, it should be for the good of the social work profession and not as a punishment for her infidelity.

You asked the question “should I report her or just get on with my life?” There is not an easy answer to your question. It is not that simple. This is a complicated matter involving your marriage, your life and your well-being. The most important question is your marriage. Should it be saved? Can it be saved? Counseling can help you greatly, to answer these questions. Congratulations on your sobriety and I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

April 22, 2022 0 comment

I Don’t Think I Love My Husband Anymore

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 29th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.K.: I don’t know if I love my husband anymore. I feel like I’m just here for the kids. Married 11 years, 4 children. We don’t talk anymore proper just about day to day things. No kissing or hugging. Hardly any sex. Only if I have to. Don’t really want him near. Big problem is I am from another country in Europe and want to move back but he doesn’t seem to even that he always says he does. And now with the Brexit another strain on the marriage.

Beginning of December I was in my home country alone at my friends house and cheated on my husband with my friends brother in law. I fancied him since my friend got married in September. We were maid of honour and best man. He wanted to kiss me back in September when we danced. I had a lot of butterflies when he came closer but turned my head away coz my mum and sister were there as well.

So i actually planned to do something when I was at my friends. I needed to feel like a woman again not just housewife. The thing is even that I know it was wrong I don’t feel any guilt. I actually enjoyed it. I don’t miss my husband when he goes to work or when I’m in visiting family.

He is a great guy, very good father and helps out in the household. I should be happy but I am not. I know it’s not just his fault.
I still love him in a friend kind of way just not romantic anymore.

I know I sound immature and selfish. And I can’t really talk to him about it. Not yet. Some days I am determined to tell him that I am leaving other days I think should I really do it. What would other people think especially family? What happens to the kids? The 3 older ones are very much daddy’s kids. Just baby is more focused on me. Plus oldest one got autism.

But should I stay only to keep kids happy and I get more and more depressed? I don’t know what to do anymore.

You are asking very good questions. You owe it to yourself, your husband (who you describe as a “great guy”) and your kids to slow way down. The affair let you pretend for a moment that you aren’t a mom of 4 with all that involves. But if you leave your marriage, you will still be a mom and you will then have to deal with 4 kids on your own, at least part of the time, and you’ll be mothering at least 3 of them who won’t understand why you would leave their great dad.

I strongly urge you to make an appointment with a therapist to help you sort this all out before you do something you will regret. It could be that your marriage has been drowned in taking care of 4 children, including 1 with special needs. It could be you have an unrealistic expectation of marriage after 11 years. It could be that the issue isn’t who you are with, but how you are with him. A therapist will help you figure out if the problem is in the relationship or in the way you and your husband have divided routines and tasks. There are other ways to get a break and reorganize your marriage without the shake up and emotional turmoil of a separation.

You might find this article helpful.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 29, 2021 0 comment

I Fell in Love for the First Time

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 24th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Recently I found a great friend with whom I connected with immediately. Things took off to the extent that both our wives picked on us for liking each other. After being married and having children — now I am questioning everything.

Then before I knew it, I was in love. Being with him means everything to me and being apart is torture. I cannot give him enough and would do anything to be with him. I think it is abundantly clear he has no interest. But my feelings persist. We both have beautiful families and would have to become completely different people to be together. We would have to destroy our lives and the ones we love in the process.

I know it should not, cannot, will not happen, but he invades my thoughts every moment of the day. I try to continue focusing on work and improving my health. I have already confessed my infatuation to my wife and we are working together to bring my heart back into our marriage. But the more we fight against these feelings the stronger they become.

I do not feel like my mind can take much more of this emotional abuse. At times I feel like running away from what I am doing. At other times it seems like it would be easier to die than to go on struggling with my emotions. All the while just standing next to him gives me peace; the emotions calm, the anxiety evaporates, and my heart races with ecstasy.

He is both the poison and the cure. I realize this sounds like an addiction and is likely a simple case of obsession. But being with him makes the world right. How can this be a bad thing? What if we are supposed to be together and all the decisions we have made leading up to our meeting are standing in the way?

If I could just feel the same way in my marriage with my wife and children then everything would be alright. But I have never felt this way with anyone. I don’t know that I will ever find this anywhere else. I cannot walk away from the one person that simply completes me.

Clearly I need some guidance. The fact that I can view this objectively and ye have no power over it is the true torture. Please, give me a solution that lets me keep him as a friend.

Thank you for your heartfelt letter. There are several factors to highlight. First, the unavailability of this person — I believe — is part of the attraction. This is almost always the case. The impossibility of it sets up a dynamic where you can want — and not have. The fact this is an unrequited love means that you have chosen not only somebody who is unavailable by circumstance — but someone unavailable by his decision. This is important. Did not overlook this. Craving him, the quest, the desire itself, along with the infatuation and unavailability, may be all part of this package. The real issue is whether or not you want to remain married.

The weakness in the marriage is the important issue. Find out what’s not working there, and explore. All of your efforts need to be on deciding whether or not your marriage has enough to be sustained. The other person is typically a symptom of the weakness. Attending to your relationship with your wife — and deciding if that is worth keeping—is the first and foremost work to be done. A good couples’ counselor can help. The find help tab at the top of this page may be able to help you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

April 24, 2021 0 comment

Do I Confront Wife’s Paramour?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 4th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: After much suspicious behavior, I have ran across evidence on my wife’s phone which proves that she has been having at least an emotional affair with a business associate. I’ve discovered they have had “lunch dates”, and he has professed to love her, but she could not say that in return to him, for whatever reason. I don’t know if these are simply actual lunch dates, or if they go back to his hotel room (he is a traveling representative).

I’ve noticed a change in her grooming/cleansing habits, as well as some other things, but haven’t made a big deal about any of them. At least one of her coworkers knows about this illicit connection, even encouraged it, but that’s a whole different story.

My main concern is getting to the bottom of & putting an end to this. As of right now, my wife doesn’t know that I am aware something’s going on, nor does the other man’s wife, or his employer. My plan was to send a text message stating I need to speak with him either in person/email/text, and unless he wanted his wife to be contacted about the matter, he will not tell anyone I’ve contacted him. I feel like he’d give me more of an honest answer knowing that I hold the key to whether or not his wife finds out.

I’m giving him the opportunity to provide the details/extent of the relationship in exchange for a 2nd chance, with the only stipulation being that he ceases ALL contact with my wife outside of official work correspondence. I contemplated just writing a letter to his employer letting them know what he is doing, fraternizing/philandering while on the job, and just emailing his wife letting her know. But instead of damaging their family unit or causing him to lose his job, which would impact the rest of his family, I could just contact him, and can confront my wife once I have a confession/explanation from him.

I’m willing to forgive her if it ends. I think that getting to the bottom of this & taking it on in this fashion will help me even the playing field a little bit, eliminating her playing victim/gaslighting, and we can both learn/grow from the experience. Am I being unreasonable? Any recommendations on how to word my correspondence with the other guy? Thank you so much for your input.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. Although I agree that it is hurtful and damaging to all concerned for people to have affairs, I don’t think essentially blackmailing the guy with threats about telling his wife or employer is wise. Your issue is with your wife.

You don’t need any corroborating information. Whether or not she is having an affair, your relationship with your wife has broken down and you don’t trust her. That’s more than enough reason to have a frank conversation with her. You don’t need an admission of guilt. You do need to figure out what has happened between you that you even suspect that something is going on.

Blaming, accusing, and threatening is not the way to go into a conversation if you want to save your marriage. Shaming and blaming will only make her defensive. Instead, talk about your hurt and concern. If it’s true, let her know how much she means to you and how you want to retrieve the closeness you once had. Acknowledge that you probably contributed to the situation, even if you didn’t mean to or if you don’t understand how. Suggest that the two of you go to some couple counseling to see what can be done to repair your relationship. Unless she has already made up her mind to leave, that approach could open a new chapter in your marriage.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 4, 2021 0 comment

I’m Insecure about My Girlfriend’s Past Relationship

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. February 28th, 2021

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I am in an almost 2 year relationship with my girlfriend. We have a great relationship that is based on a strong friendship, trust, and honesty. An issue that came up recently was something from my girlfriend’s past. It’s a long story, but I’ll try to summarize. She was in a 1-2 year relationship with a married man that was very painful for her and it all ended because he died. However, as it turns out — he didn’t. What she knew about her relationship and how it ended was based on a lie (told to her by her by the married man’s wife to essentially get her out of the picture). Anyway, recently she found out about this lie. The person who she was deeply in love with is in fact still living. What my issue is and what has been bothering me is that I have been feeling insecure about it all. Over the years that I’ve known her, she has talked about him on several occasions, even mentioning that if he was still alive that they might still be together and that she thinks about him everyday. I also found a few photos of them together. So, now that he has resurfaced — it is making me question my relationship and her commitment to me. My questions are — Should I be haunted by all of this from her past? Am I just thinking about it too much? Why is it making me feel so unsettled and insecure? Is it that I don’t trust her completely or is it my own issues from my own past with trust that is the root of it all? She has reassured me several times that her relationship with him was a part of her past, a part of her life that she has no interest in going back to and that she is only interested in moving forward with me. It’s such a weird situation and I’m not sure what to do with it. There is a part of me that trusts her and believes her since we have such a good relationship. However, there’s another part of me that is very bothered by all of this. Thanks for any advice on how to figure this out.

A: Yes, this is certainly a complicated scenario. I can understand why you are feeling a little insecure given all the information. However, you also state that she has been open and honest with you and that you have a great relationship. I would worry more if she seemed secretive about it all. I’m also wondering if part of your insecurity is about her sexuality, with her having been in a heterosexual relationship and now in a same-sex relationship.

It could be that she thinks about it daily because of how it ended. She probably feels like she didn’t have closure and sometimes that can lead to some obsessive thinking. Now that she found out he didn’t really die, I could also see how that would bring the whole issue to the surface again. But if you are the one she is talking it through with, it is a good sign of her trust and respect for you.

I think it is natural to have your guard up somewhat, but on the other hand you state that she reassures you that the past is the past and she wants her future to be with you. We can really only make decisions on the information we have at any given point in time. If she isn’t giving you any reason to distrust her right now, then be willing to give her your trust. As long as you both have an open dialogue about what you are feeling, chances are that you can move past this unusual situation and build a solid future together.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

February 28, 2021 0 comment

Married & Love Another Married Man that I Have Known for Almost 20 Years

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 21st, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been married for 10 years to a functional alcoholic. We have two younger kids. For the last 7 years I have been having an emotional affair with an ex. This man and I have always had a connection that never really went away. He is also married with a young child. He means the world to me. With him I feel so authentic, so safe and most of all accepted. I loved him so much and was heartbroken when we broke up so many years ago. I am torn between being drawn into this man and trying to remain committed to the marriage I am in. I try to convince myself that this isn’t a real connection. I remind myself that it is ridiculous to think that this person is any better than my current husband or any other man, so why would I ruin an OK marriage for a jumble of inflated feelings that likely aren’t real, except I am terrified that I am wrong. There has never been a person in my life that i have felt the same way I have with this other man, it’s the same now as it was almost 18 years ago. The feelings are actually, to me, deeper and more mature than back when I was 19. I need a professional to help remind me that this situation is crazy and a complete fantasy.

Most marriages end because of an affair. Not only are affairs the leading cause of marriage deaths, but they are a disease that lessens and weakens the marriage before it actually kills the marriage. Like most diseases, if stopped early, it need not lead to death.

As in your case, an affair is often a sign that there is something wrong with the marriage. When people are truly happy in a marriage or relationship, they are almost always immune to interference by a third party. In other words, if you are really happy with your partner you are simply uninterested in the overtures of another individual. If your partner meets your needs, you need no other.

Affairs often seem pleasant, fun, light, exciting and much better than the regular, every day, bill-paying, life that you lead with your spouse. Affairs are by their very nature an escape from the mundane existence of real life. Having an affair is like going to the movies. When the movie ends you go home to the house that could use a grass cutting, a new coat of paint and a general tidying up. However, it is “your” home.

Work on your marriage. If the man you are married to is not good enough, improve him. If he cannot be improved, after you have done everything that is possible, then you must move on. Things don’t have to be perfect to be good.

Is it too clichéd to say “the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence?” Would it be better to say “a bird in hand is worth two in the bush?” Your relationship with your ex-boyfriend has already ended one time. It didn’t work. Sure, there were good things but there was enough bad, to end the relationship. Maybe he ended it. Maybe you ended it. Maybe it was mutual, but it did end. Your relationship with your husband has endured.

Not always pretty, not always perfect, but there was enough there to keep it together. Speaking of ending, you must end your current relationship with your ex-boyfriend. It is not optional. Believing that you can be emotionally involved with an ex-boyfriend without believing that you are cheating is ridiculous. Don’t lie to yourself.

Perhaps it’s time to consider marriage counseling or individual counseling for him or you or both. Maybe it is time to end your marriage but it would be foolhardy to do so without the objective analysis that you would receive in counseling. I am not for a moment, suggesting that you should “do” what your counselor decides is right. You should only consider the advice of the counselor. You must, after thorough and due consideration, make your own decision. Good luck and get to work.

Dr. Kristina Randle

January 21, 2021 0 comment