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Confused About My Ex

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am a 32 year single lesbian female. I am writing to you because I need help with a situation, maybe a different perspective…and I have a hard time talking to people, even my friends or family. I need some advice on a situation with my ex girlfriend. Please.

We’ve been broken up for about a year now. It ended horribly. Basically, she cheated on me, then left and moved to another state. The break-up was difficult, obviously. I could not get closure and felt my life had just been ripped apart. We were together for 3 years, and she had just asked me to marry her 3 months before the break up. Anyway, we haven’t spoken since February, as she decided she wanted no contact from me. Then in Feb, she was in trouble and needed help…of course she called me. Yes, I helped her. And we haven’t spoken since then. A month after she left me, she was already in another relationship.

Then last nite, she contacts me on facebook…out of nowhere. See, I had hope that maybe one day we can be, well civil at the very least. So I was completely surprised to hear from her. What am I supposed to think?? The thing is, i still love her but have worked hard to move on. Is she just making it a point to hurt me, and why? Please help, I am so lost, hurt, confused, and angry.

It is difficult to know what is motivating your ex. Perhaps she is deliberately hurting you. Maybe she misses you. She might also not have been fully aware of what she was doing the night that she was intoxicated.

The issue may be that you too easily allow her back into your life. From the few examples provided, when she contacts you, you respond immediately. You don’t have to do that. Your reaction essentially gives her permission to contact you when she wants. You may be allowing the contact because you love her.

One possible solution is to stop all communications with her. That would be an understandable reaction given the way she has treated you. From an emotional perspective, it would also be a psychologically healthy reaction.

If you are willing to allow some contact, then set the parameters of the relationship. In other words, you set the rules. Blocking her on Facebook is an example of you setting the rules of the relationship. Not taking her calls or responding to her e-mails are two additional examples.

A good “rule of thumb” to remember, with regard to relationships, is to treat others how they treat you. Treat them no better than they treat you. Treat them no worse than they treat you. If you continue to struggle, I would recommend seeing a therapist. Therapy can’t take away the emotional pain associated with the breakup but it can help you to recover from it. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Best friend stealing boyfriend…bullies at school

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So my boyfriend lives 1,000 miles away from me and I see him three times a year. We are together and everything was absolutely great until three days ago. Three days ago my BEST friend started talking to my boyfriend and now all he does is talk to her…and he called her hot. My boyfriend barely talks to me anymore and when I bring up to him that what he’s doing is bothering me he accuses me of being rude and jealous. The problem is then he says I’m sorry and I love you. I love him too and that’s what is making this painful.

On top of that I just finished a very rough school year. I found out that one of my best friends started doing pot. I approached her and said that what she was doing is not right. She then flipped out on me and said that I was making up lies about her (I caught her smoking pot). She then totally bashed me in front of everyone and turned the entire school against me. Now I have about three friends. They even reported my facebook and now my facebook is locked. The other day at orientation she tried to corner me in the hallway and beat me up. I’m terrified to go back to school now.

I don’t even know what to do now. I feel like my life is falling apart around me and I don’t know what to do about it. My cousin who is like a sister to me is always depressed and I don’t want to end up being like her. Last year she told me that she was going to commit suicide. I stopped her from it and everything was ok again, but whenever I talk to her she tries to drag me down…what do I do?

These are very difficult issues for someone 13 years old to have to cope with. You are getting more than your share of the rough times right now. All of the things you have noted are annoyances that certainly warrant your reaction. None of it seems to be fair.

It sounds to me like you need to deepen your friendship with the three people you are close to as you expand your friendships to new people. I would also find an adult to talk to. The first place I would go is your school guidance counselor. He or she has a lot of experience with exactly these issues and can guide you through them.

You sound like a very responsible and loyal person, and it may be time to protect yourself from those people who aren’t treating you fairly. Stick with your friends that have been there for you, make some new ones to replace those treating you poorly, and talk to your counselor or trusted teacher about what is going on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My mom may be having an affair

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My mom may be having an affair and I need to know what to do.I’ve known something is up with my mom just because she’s been very secretive about everything, and normally we are very close. But I was getting on Facebook and she was logged in. She had a new message and it was from one of her old boyfreinds from high school and I read some of the other ones. she regrets marrying my dad and I don’t know if she regrets my little brother and I or what else but some of the stuff on there made me cry. And some of it was slightly sexual,and she put a picture of him in her wallet and said he was her boyfreind. By the way my dad drives a truck so he’s only home on weekends. I don’t wanna ruin our family. if I do I might kill myself. I just need to know what to do?

You aren’t the one who is in danger of ruining your family. Your parents are. Hurting yourself isn’t going to solve anything. I do understand that saying that you might is a way to tell us how awful you feel. I get that you love your family very, very much.

Your parents have a marriage problem to solve. The life of a trucker and spouse is really, really hard. Often it’s lonely. Your mom may be interested in someone else but your dad probably also has some part in their growing apart. This is their problem, not yours. They both will always be your parents. They can love you and your brother and be there for you whether or not they can find a way to renew their love for each other. None of it is your fault or your responsibility. You and your brother are the kids in the situation. It’s time for the adults to act like adults and deal.

What you do now is have a serious talk with your mom. You’ve been close so I’m guessing you know how to approach her. Let her know that she left a trail on Facebook and that finding it has been very, very upsetting to you. Tell her that you understand that her relationship with your dad isn’t your business but that you want very much for her and your dad to figure out how to stay together if they can. Also tell her that keeping her secret is too heavy a load for a 13-year-old boy. You love her and you love your dad. It’s unfair for you to be caught in the middle.

If she doesn’t listen to you, think about whether there is a relative or someone close to your family who you can confide in and who you can ask for help. If that isn’t possible, do consider asking your school guidance counselor for support in talking to your mom.

I’m terribly sorry that you are suffering like this. Turning the problem back to where it belongs – with your folks – won’t solve it. But is will relieve you of some of the strain.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Trust Him or My Intuition?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been dating this guy for 5months, and unlike what I had before, there was no honeymoon period. He seems to be a person who likes alot of personal time, while I thrive on closeness with my partner. So we’ve been rather distant to begin with, and he says its good to take things slow and have personal space.

He seemed to always be honest about alot of stuff, like his ex-gfs, jobs, and brought me to meet his family and tells me we’ll get married. He’s even got the room in the apartment allocated for us. However, he also does things that makes me suspicious. For e.g. He likes to add alot of pouting girls on fb (I asked him about it, and he said its virtual and only to make his profile page look better). Also, he mentions his ex-gf (who has migrated) every now and then, but says she’s like a good friend because they’ve been through alot together. In the past 3months, we have quarreled alot because he always says he is busy at work till late, tired and stressed from the work load. Even out meet-ups became only once or twice weekly, few hrs each time. I asked to end the relationship a few times, and he always begged me not to saying he does love me, and that he has never cheated on me. He claimed what he is guilty of is choosing work over me.

But my feelings tell me something is amiss…. Even if he is not cheating on me with another girl per se, he loves himself more than he loves me. And everytime he says he’ll reflect and change, he doesnt. Its basically alot of talk, without action. He just goes further away from me, and keeps to himself (and hopefully not someone else, I think?). He doesnt even want to SMS me when he’s home at night anymore.

Is this my own doing? Do I wrongfully accuse him so much he’d prefer to have as little contact as possible? Or am I right to trust my intuition that he isnt being exactly truthful about something? Or maybe he is still hung up over his ex (he claims she left a year ago). If he does love me, and is purely preoccupied with his job and not cheating, should I take him back? Even though his needs always come before mine?

From what you have written he has made work his priority. This is not your “own doing.” If you had it your way, you and he would spend more time together. He tells you repeatedly that he’s going to change. You said it best: he is “basically a lot of talk without action.”

Not many people would be willing to tolerate “a lot of talk without action” for very long, especially in a new relationship. You seem to have given him sufficient opportunities to change his behavior, yet he has not.

From your letter, it seems as though you and he have already parted ways and you are considering whether or not to give him another chance. Only you can answer that question but before you do, have an honest discussion with him about the various problems you have had with the relationship. If you don’t, and you decide to give him another chance, then he will likely continue the same behavior. If he can get away with “all talk and no action” his track record shows that he probably will.

If you decide to reconcile, inform him that he will have to prove that he can change by actually changing. Be specific about how you want him to change. The more specific you can be about the needed changes, the more success that is possible for the relationship.

To the question of cheating, it’s not clear from your letter that he is. Having friends on Facebook with people you disapprove of does not equate to cheating. Nor is it necessarily a sign of betrayal. Hiding his friends list would be a form of betrayal. He is not hiding his friends from you.

Having said that, since you expressed your dissatisfaction and he continues to keep his Facebook friends, then this could be a problem for the relationship. If it’s a problem for one party in the relationship, then it’s a problem for both. The question then becomes should his having certain Facebook friends be a problem for you? Unfortunately that’s not something I can determine from a short letter. I would have to have much more information about why you see it as a problem before I could determine if your concerns are warranted.

Gradually, you and he were spending less time together but it is difficult to determine why. It could have been the dynamic of the relationship. Early on in the relationship you and he were not spending much time together. As you stated, there was no “honeymoon period.” It might also have been a sign that the relationship was degrading. I believe that it might have been the latter but I can’t know for certain. The fact the you decided to end the relationship (at least temporarily) also supports the idea that the relationship wasn’t going well.

“Should you take him back?” is your primary question and regrettably I can’t answer that for you. If he is unwilling to change and he continues to put all of his needs before yours, then no, you should not take him back. A one-sided relationship would be unhealthy and unsatisfying. Relationships need to be balanced. If you continue to struggle with how to approach this relationship, then you may want to consult a therapist. Click the find help tab to locate one in your community. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Sixteen and wondering if I am in a domestic mental/emotional abusive relationship

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m sixteen. Everyone tells me this affects everything: my dad died when I was twelve. He and I had an amazing relationship, he was a great dad. Also I’m the youngest girl in my family. But right now I’m really confused about what’s going on with my boyfriend. He is also sixteen. I lost my virginity to him a year ago. I love him, and the reason I began dating him in the first place was because he was so sweet and he really, really liked me. Being with him made me feel really secure. From the start, I noticed he got frustrated and agitated VERY easily, and blew up over strange things. Lately, things have happened that I feel warning signs from. He demands my facebook and email password and literally stalks everything I do and say. I’m “not allowed” to talk to boys, add boys to my facebook, be friends or hang out with boys. My best friend (a girl) insulted him publicly on the Internet when he instigated a fight, and he told me that if I didn’t cut off all ties from her, he would kill himself. He cuts himself whenever I stand up for what I feel I am entitled to. friend boys, a relationship with my best friend. This has become gradual. It started off by me not “being allowed” to hang out with “friends he doesn’t know”. He gets angry when I go on backpacking trips or don’t want to sit in detention with him. When I read this I know I’m about to get yelled at “obviously you are sixteen and his problems aren’t your responsibility, find a new boyfriend.” but every time I do, I feel so awful that its not worth it. When he is gone from my life I feel physically sick and crushed. One time I cut my arm really badly after we got in a fight and he was ignoring me, because I really wanted to show him the next day how much he had hurt me. It made a lot of sense at the time. I’ve lost contact with most of my friends because I’m always up his ass and I’m lonely… his friends think I’m unreasonable and confrontational but I just try to stand up for myself. After he asked for my facebook password, I asked for his, and decided that if he looked at my things, I am entitled to look through his. I found messages when he referred to me as “the bitch”. He has since told me that that’s how guys are, and I wont find a guy who doesn’t use that word. Every single time something happens now, he will cut himself, snort pills, and threaten to kill himself, or repeatedly ask me if he can die or how he should kill himself. Also…I’m beginning to mimic him. His jealously makes me cautious, so I’ve started to watch him closely and feel uncomfortable when girls talk to him. I’ve threatened to run away, cut and kill myself. I never did these things before. I feel like I am being a petty teenager, but I am so lonely and confused and I used to be so social and outgoing. These days I just want to impress his friends and avoid confrontation. Also, last fall I studied abroad, and when I came back I found out he had slept with another girl three times, and lied for as long as he could about it but finally gave in. he hasn’t done anything like that since, not even close, and he is truly obsessed with me, this makes me feel like his behavior is something id prefer. Somebody who cares way too much rather than hardly any. All of the rest of the time everything is fun, we ride in my car, go to the movies, restaurants, he shows me off to everyone and treats me so well. He texts me every second of the day. But I feel cheated from life most of the time.im lonely and confused. I just want an adult to talk to.

You are brave to ask the question. I am not going to “yell” at you for being 16. This isn’t about that. This is about an abusive relationship that is likely to get worse.

What you have told me is that your boyfriend lies, bullies, threatens suicide, manipulates you, has been unfaithful, controls you, restricts your friendships, thinks selfishly about his needs rather than yours, calls you a bitch, cuts himself, and snorts pills.

At any age this would be unacceptable. It is nice you go to the movies and for rides, but any relationship at any age that involves this level of controlling behavior isn’t healthy. You can’t fix him, but you can take care of yourself.

I would talk to the counselor at your high school. You do not need your boyfriend’s permission to do this. You may also want to talk to a trusted teacher.

If you stay in the relationship you will need to change to have a voice and empowerment. If you break up, you will need the same things. Please go talk to you counselor today, and join one of our online forums here at psychcentral.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My mother will not let me go.

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I want to leave though. This post is more about my mother and the fact that she may have separation anxiety. After high school, I agreed with my mother to attend community college for 2 years and save money. This year, she even said I was emotionally ready to live on my own too. I realized last year that I needed to get a job because I had a feeling she was not going to have the time to save money. My mom refused to let me get a job and so I had to find one on my own and tell her I got a job after I was hired.

To give a little background information, I never really lived a normal teen life. I have never been to a dance and even missed prom because my mother would not let me. I never had slept over a friend’s house nor have I attended parties on my own. The moment I got a guy friend in college, she stalked him on facebook and even threatened him to never talk to me again. I have never hung out with friends either. I now go out with this guy (who is an amazing and nice guy) who I never told my mom about because I know she would make us break up. We have been together for a year now and I still refuse to tell her about him. She mentioned that if I ever got a boyfriend she would make us break up.

Anyways, I have recently been accepted to a few colleges to transfer to. I got into my number 1 college which I am so happy about. I told my mother I wanted to go there and she immediately said I was aiming low and that I was stupid for not applying to Ivy League universities. She then went on to say I would not be where I am today if it was not for her and that I could never live without her. She then went on pointing out all the mistakes I did in my life. She said I was belittling myself for wanting to go to this college (number 2 college in Virginia) and that I was going to become a low life. She said I could not go to this college….

I cried the night I did not go to homecoming, I cried the night I missed prom, I cried the night my mother said I had to stay home at a community college and I cry every night because she said I could not transfer to my desired college. She wont let me go and it is making me feel like I will never have freedom. My mom has supported me and she is a good mom but…she is controlling, manipulative and two faced. The moment I want to do my own thing, she turns the whole situation around and makes everything seem it is my fault and makes me feel bad. I am going crazy because just thinking about the fact that I may be living at home for another 2 years tears me inside and makes me want to cry. I feel like I will never be able to grow as a person if I stay here any longer. I hope I don’t sound selfish. I want to make mistakes and I want to learn and grow but I will never get to do that if I live with her for much longer. I have nobody to talk to about this. I can’t even go to my mother about personal things because she always end up judging everything I do and makes me feel stupid for doing things wrong. In the beginning of the year she said I was emotionally ready to leave and the moment I get into my favorite college, she turns around and says I am not ready…

“It is not possible to eat me without insisting that I sing praises of my devourer?”
Dostoyevsky

A: What a tough spot to be in. It doesn’t sound as if your mother knows how to adequately nurture you and let you go. There is a difference between encouragement and imposing conditions of worth. The messages you are receiving from your mom are filled with criticism disguised as help in your best interest. This is unhealthy and it is the time for you to individuate: No more crying over missing the events in your life.

You can’t share the joys of your growth and natural evolution with her. You must limit your joy on sharing about your boyfriend, your job, your acceptance into the college of your choice (congratulations!) In each instance she doesn’t see who you are, which is unfortunate and frustrating. You will not be able to ask her for permission to grow up and be yourself. You will have to find a way to love her as you pay more attention to your own needs.

I would encourage you to make use of the counseling center at the college you are at now to gain some support during this transition. You mother wants the best for you –I am sure. It just seems as if he doesn’t know how to acknowledge that you may be a more accurate judge of this than she.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Is my lying a habit I can break?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

About 12 years ago before I got married I cheated on my boyfriend who is now my soon to be ex-husband with a married man. I never told anyone the truth about it or should I say I never admitted it to anyone. Everyone basically knew it happened. I lied about it up until about 1 year ago when I met my soul mate. I love this man so much. I never loved anyone like this before. I met him while I was still married to my husband. I swore I would never cheat on my husband because I never forgave myself for cheating on him with the married guy. I broke up that guy’s marriage and I didn’t love him. I hated myself for that. I ended up marrying my husband. I think I married him to hide what I had done.

I had always had feelings for my now true love. We work together. He is my boss. Problem 1) he is still married. 2) He believes that there are other guys in my life besides him including the married man I cheated on my ex-husband with before we were married. That bothers me so damn much. He said there are too many coincidences that prove otherwise. I can’t help coincidences. I am being truly honest when I say there is no other man in my life. It is him and only him. I have gotten so caught up in wanting him to believe that that I started lying to him about little things. Believe me they were not things worth lying about. Things like I told him I wasn’t chatting on email, facebook, or text. This was actually not true. I did and do some of these things. I figured if I told him I didn’t do it then I didn’t have to worrying about him thinking I was lying about whom I was chatting with. I was only chatting with girlfriends, family, and family friends. I figure he wouldn’t believe that because of what he believed about me. I even lied to him about why I was typing so lightly on the keyboard at work. We had the door open between our offices and I didn’t want him to get up and close the door between us because he would get aggravated when he would hear my typing. Usually I was typing an email for work or IM to someone at work. Mostly all work related material. He doesn’t believe that. Anyway now that I’ve lied to him he believes more than before that I am hiding things from him because there is another man. I am being so honest about there not being another man. I have screwed up by lying. I don’t believe that lying is a habit. Yes I lied to my husband but I’m not lying to him about there being another man in my life. I was so focused on that that I lied about stupid things that has made it so much worse. He loves me very much. I do know that. I love him very much.

He said that he doesn’t question that I love him only that he questions my meaning of love. Is it possible to love someone so much that you do crazy things that you know aren’t good for a relationship wanting to make sure that you never loose that love but the crazy things are what are causing you to loose him. He trusts me even less now and is not sure he can move forward with our relationship. I know I love him with all my heart. Can I live with what he believes? I’m thinking I can change but he thinks otherwise. I can’t say that I blame him. To him lying is just as bad if not worse than cheating on him. How could I be so caught up on trying to get him to believe that he is the one and only man in my life that I would actually lie to? Please help me, I love him.

Nothing weighs on us so heavily as a secret.
— Jean De La Fontaine

I am glad you have asked this question. While the swoon of love sounds powerful, there are several things about your question that you may want to pay attention to. The most important are your contradictions. “I am being truly honest when I say there is no other man in my life.”

Such an interesting sentence for a married woman to say a man that isn’t her husband. The problem is you seem to believe this. Most of your adult life and relationship has been spent with you having a secret that was based on a lie. This is continuing. We are not typically drawn to what is necessarily better; we are drawn to what is familiar. You may find some more information in an article I’ve written here. Your husband has reason not to trust you, and you lied to him. You are creating the same thing with the new man. There now is a condition here where he doesn’t trust you – also because of lying. In both cases you are left in the same role of not feeling good about yourself—in your words “never forgiving myself.”

I would strongly encourage you to do three things: First, it seems clear that you are doing a huge disservice to your current husband. Let him know where he stands. Deal with the reality of your feelings and let him have the dignity of coping with the fact he is married to a woman that doesn’t love him and would prefer to be with another man. This condition isn’t just about how you feel. He needs to know where you stand.

Secondly, you must realize that you are drawn to unavailable men. This is the second married man you were attracted to, and the second time you were with a man while being attracted to a married man. This kind of thing tends to be a pattern. In both instances there was lying and secrets. In both instances you are not feeling good about yourself. Last time you carried forward the secret, which may have been the problem with your intimacy. I suggest you begin by being honest with yourself.

Finally I would encourage you to begin therapy as soon as possible before acting on my suggestions. This is likely to be a difficult process for you, for your husband, for your boss, and for his wife. With all this in front of you I encourage you to get some emotional support, clarification, and understanding before taking any action. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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