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My Family Hates me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 12th, 2024

I’ve been depressed since I started 1st grade. Each year my family problems gets bigger and bigger. I don’t know how to handle them anymore. My mom keeps on smoking. My dad is always away. My grand parents are always asking for money. Now school is starting, I still can’t write (I injured my self) and I told my mom about it, she ignored me 5 times. My only friend now is myself. I remembered my mom kicking me, punching me, and slapping me. I keep asking to myself, “What did I do wrong?” and people telling me I bring bad luck to them. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. Me and my brother also tried talking to our mom, but in the end, she end up getting angry and told us things won’t work out. Now I’m starting high school and things are still messy. And, I can’t concentrate on my school, I can’t be good friends with everyone because I’m the only problematic child in school. My auntie told me that our family should get a counselor, but my brother told me its no use talking to them when they won’t even listen. Please.. Please help me.. I’m very bad at talking in english but please i hope you understand..

I’m so very sorry that you don’t feel you have anyone to turn to. I doubt very much that you’ve done anything wrong. I doubt very much that you bring other bad luck to other people. It sounds like the adults in your family are overwhelmed and depressed and are looking for someone to blame. For some reason, you’ve become what is called the family scapegoat – the person who is blamed when people can’t or won’t manage their own problems. It’s an unfair and sad place to be in.

Reading your letter, I’m curious about your aunt. I wonder if you’ve talked to her as much as you could. Is there any chance she would talk to your mother about getting some counseling? Is she willing to have you spend more time with her?

Your brother may be right that your parents won’t listen to the kids but can the two of you listen to each other? You both understand what it’s like to be a kid in the family and how stressful it can be. There’s no reason that siblings can’t also be friends and a support for each other.

If neither of those possibilities can work for you, please understand that you aren’t alone. Not everyone gets the family they deserve. Some kids have to just do the best they can until they can leave.

According to TeensHealth website, “Every family has arguments. Friends, couples, coaches, and teachers can get upset, frustrated, or have a bad day. We all go through difficult times when someone is stressed and angry. Punishments and discipline — like removing privileges, grounding, or being sent to your room — are common.”

“Yelling and anger can happen in lots of parent–teen relationships and in friendships — although it can feel pretty bad to have an argument with a parent or friend. But if punishments, arguments, or yelling go too far or last too long it can lead to stress and other serious problems.”

“People who are being abused need to get help. Keeping the abuse a secret doesn’t protect anyone from being abused — it only makes it more likely that the abuse will continue. If you or anyone you know is being abused, talk to someone you or your friend can trust — a family member, a trusted teacher, a doctor, or a school or religious youth counselor. Many teachers and counselors have training in how to recognize and report abuse.”

“Telephone and online directories list local child abuse and family violence hotline numbers that you can call for help. There’s also Childhelp USA at (800) 4-A-CHILD ([800] 422-4453).”

If your family doesn’t get any better, spend as little time at home as you can and focus on making a positive future for yourself. Find activities like sports or volunteer work or a job that will keep you busy after school and on weekends and will introduce you to new people. Save your money. Work hard at your studies so that you can apply for scholarships to go to university. In a few years, you’ll be old enough to leave home and start a life of your own. You can make it a good one.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 12, 2024 0 comment

No self-esteem following a betrayal

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 1st, 2023

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am 21 years old, and lately I’ve been experienced a lot of anxiety. My childhood was a normal childhood, I am the oldest of four children, my parents are married, and both work and I grew up in a small town and had a really happy normal childhood. Since I was little (about 12) I lacked self confidence, but then I started gained it, and by the time I was 15 I was in a pretty good place in my life, I loved it, I had many friends a happy and great life, and that year I met my current boyfriend. After a year of being together, he cheated on me with another girl, that killed me he was the first person I had ever truly loved and he did that to me, he apologized and begged for me to take him back so I did; and we’ve been together since then. A year or so after that, he moved out of the country and we broke up, I was devastated, because I felt like after all the years spent with him nothing counted, and it was when this whole paranoia and lack of self confidence started. Not so long ago he asked me to get back together, I was really happy but then again my situation of low self-confidence and self-esteem got worse each day. Currently I feel like I have no control over my actions, I feel like in my past I was really outgoing and could make friends easily, now I can’t, I feel as if I am boring and I rethink a million times everything I want to say or do, which as a result brings having a difficult time meeting new people. I feel paranoid all the time thinking people are going to talk bad about me behind my back or will think I look bad or I’m fat or ugly, I feel as if I have lost all of my personality. I get really furious at myself almost everyday when I see pictures of other girls my same age or even younger than me that I know partying, traveling and having a great time, while I’m sitting at my house not enjoying my youth, because my paranoia of not being good enough won’t let me. These problems have affected my relationship with my boyfriend and my family. My boyfriend constantly tells me that I have changed, that I am not as fun and adventurous as I used to be, that I acted as if I had lost my personality, the one which he fell in love with, and I feel he is right, I also feel scared all the time that he will leave me any time and find a girl that is happier and more fun than me. Rewarding my family, I’m always moody I treat my brothers and sisters very bad, by getting easily irritated by them and I find myself screaming and yelling at them all the time, as if I had no patience with them and could not stand their site. Not only has my personal life has been going down the drain I have also been getting bad academic reports, in the past year I have failed 2 classes, and my grades have decreased incredibly. I mentioned the fact that my boyfriend cheated on me before, because I feel that in a way this has to do with everything that I am going through right now, after that happened my life started going down the drain and it hasn’t stopped. Every single aspect of my life was affected by the fact that the person I loved and trusted the most betrayed me, cheated on me, with a girl I even knew! I forgave him because he demonstrated he cared, and he showed me in so many ways he loves me and he was so extremely sorry. What makes me more mad it is not the fact that he cheated on me, but the fact that this girl with who cheated on me with had everything going for her, even though she is a horrible mean person she seems to have everything in a perfect way, perfect hair, perfect car, perfect body, perfect friends, perfect everything and I don’t. I feel like myself is in ruins, literally. Another thing that makes me so uncomfortable is my boyfriend’s family; because of my low self esteem and the fact that I am so different in every way from them, I feel as if they hate me; I’m paranoid about what they might think of me, when I’m with them I’m afraid to speak or say something, because of the fear of making a fool out of myself, so I come off as rude and shy, so I have no idea what to do. I feel so alone because I have no one to talk to, no one to express myself with, I have no friends, I have gotten FAT I have gained more than 10 pounds from eating so much (anxiety), my boyfriend lives in another country and currently reminds me of how much he’s noticed that I have changed, my academic has been awful, I am depressed, I cry every single night hoping my attitude will change. Please help me, I have tried to change but I feel lost, I feel as if something is missing, I am not satisfied with my life, I feel as if my best years are going by and I’m in my room crying and eating. Please help me I feel as if I have no control over my life, what do you think I should do?

I am glad you are taking care of yourself by reaching out to us here. Your self-esteem has taken a hit because you are too dependent on your boyfriend as a barometer for your own emotional wellbeing. This isn’t a very functional relationship, from what you are telling me, and I can understand why you would feel insecure and anxious. Your trust in him is shaky (at best). He is living in another country, and his criticism of your changes doesn’t help. It is time to reclaim yourself and become more self-reliant and resilient.

I am not suggesting you end the relationship, but I am asking you to put it in perspective. It sounds like you are drawn to his potential rather than his reality. Obviously you get something out of the relationship, but don’t confuse what you want him to be with who he is.

I would begin reclaiming your life and work on getting yourself back. Start a program of taking care of your body, your intellectual development and your emotional wellbeing. Your boyfriend cannot do these things for you. You have to take care of yourself. If you do this it is a win-win situation. If the relationship survives then you will be less needy and more capable and happier in it. If the relationship doesn’t survive you will be able to move on with confidence.

A therapist during this time is a good idea. If you don’t already have one you may want to begin and create some emotional support. The college you are going to will have a counselling center with a number of qualified therapists.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

March 1, 2023 0 comment

Why Do I Have Attachment Problems?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 8th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been having some issues with getting attached to people for quite some time now. I’m not sure what it is about the person but when I meet someone who fills the role of a caregiver I become completely attached almost right away. They usually are professional relationships with teachers, profs., and even therapists and it becomes very difficult for me to detach myself from them even though I would very much like to. I end up coming to the conclusion that I wish I’d never met them and I usually feel guilty about it, I feel like there is something wrong with me because it’s been happening since I was a young child. Back then it was easier for me to become close with someone and for the relationship to still be healthy, I also found it easier to detach myself from them. As I got older however it shifted and I didn’t feel it was okay anymore to become close with a teacher even if I wanted to. Now I feel like it’s not really within my control and even though I know that the relationship must remain as a professional one I still have problems adjusting to their inevitable departure from my life.

I actually was reading about borderline personality disorder and I matched some of the symptoms dead on. Sometimes I think it might have to deal with the relationship I have with my mother. As a child I always used to fantasize about being from a different family and the people that I would get attached to sometimes I would see as being my mother. She wasn’t at all affectionate with me and today I have issues with expressing myself emotionally and asking for help. My father was in and out of my life until I was 11 when he split for good. Even when he was in my life he had issues with loving me, my mother told me on many occasions that he would often be quite cold to me and only really pay attention to my brother which whom he still is in contact with today. My brother sometimes pities me because my dad seemed to love him and not me.

Growing up was quite hectic, my family all have substance abuse issues and I was taken away when I was four to live with foster parents after my parents left me in the middle of the night. In fact none of my family really ever shows much affection towards one another and have major communication problems. They tend to hold things in then let it all out when they’re drinking. As a child they never turned on me but now that I’m older my odds of them attacking me are just as high as any other family member. I’ve been having problems adjusting to that but hopefully I can develop a thicker coat of skin to handle it.

I don’t really have healthy ways of coping with things. My main tool is self harm which tends to help though it’s now become more of an addiction than a release. I suffer from major depressive disorder, PTSD and an array of anxiety disorders which I was recently hospitalized for a few months ago after I overdosed on painkillers. I tend to hold things in and that’s kinda what I’ve been working on in therapy. I guess I’m wondering why I’m like that and what can I do about it so that it doesn’t cause me so much distress anymore?

It does not seem that you had a healthy attachment with your mother or father. Healthy, stable relationships were never modeled for you. Neither parent was emotionally available to you. Your father was not in your life long enough to really get to know him and when you and he did interact, he essentially ignored you. It’s human nature to want safe and stable relationships with others. Ideally these relationships are supposed to occur with your parents. When an individual lacks these stable and important relationships with their parents they often spend their adult lives attempting to secure these attachments with others. Because you never had a true bond with your parents you’re searching for healthy attachments with others whom you’ve deemed as safe (teachers, therapists, etc). It makes sense that you would have a difficult time with attachment given your history. The above explanation might help explain “why” you have trouble with attachment.

Individuals with borderline personality disorder have problems developing healthy relationships. Attachment is usually a problem for them. They also fear abandonment. Again, it makes sense for individuals with borderline personality disorder to have difficulty in relationships because many have had interrupted or troubled attachments with their primary caretakers.

It is possible that you have borderline personality disorder but if you do please know that it is a treatable disorder. If you are currently in treatment you should ask your therapist about whether you have the disorder. If you do your therapist might alter your current treatment regimen.

You asked what you could do to stop the distressing attachment problems you experience. Since you’re currently in therapy it would be helpful if you focused on this issue. Does your therapist know this is an issue for you? I hope so.

You can learn a new way of interacting with people. A good therapist can teach you how to behave in relationships. He or she can model “healthy behavior” for you. He or she can also analyze your relationships with others and point out what areas need to be adapted or improved. The goal for therapy should be to teach or model for you what a healthy relationship is like. Dialectical behavior therapy is a biopsychosocial mode of treatment that has been proved to work well with individuals with borderline personality disorder. It may be helpful for you. Take care.

January 8, 2022 0 comment

Mother Has Schizophrenia

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 8th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello, I am 19 years old, and my mother has been suffering from schizophrenia since I was 2 years old. She was initially diagnosed as schizo-effective, and for most of my life it has stayed that way, up until about 4-5 years ago she was fully diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. It breaks my heart to see my mother slipping away from reality. She never leaves the house, is terrified of the “conspiracies” in her head, and has verbally violent conversations with the voices in her head. She is nothing like the person she used to be, and it’s devastating. Another hard factor is that I am the baby of the family, and she is very attached to me since I am the only child she has been a stay-at-home mom with (she was able to work before I was born), and my biggest concern is never being able to leave the house and live on my own because I don’t want her to feel even more scared and alone than she already does. My father is very loving and understanding towards her, and they’ve been married for 29 years, but he works a lot, leaving my mom home alone most of the day, every day, and I’m afraid that when I get out on my own she is going to lose it. How can I lead a normal healthy life without feeling guilty and worrying about if my mom is alright at home by herself. She has a history of being suicidal, and being alone all day seems to increase her paranoia symptoms, hallucinations, and delusions, and I don’t want her to suffer even more than she already is. I feel stuck here and that I have to take care of her and miss out on my own life, and I feel selfish feeling that way, because I should take care of my mother, I just always thought it wouldn’t be until she was in her 80’s and I already had raised a family of my own. How can I cope with this and keep my mother at ease as well?

Your mother is fortunate to have a loving family who cares so much about her well-being. Many people with schizophrenia have “burned bridges” with their families, often to the point where their families have had to part ways. In some cases, families have no choice. In the book “Angelhead,” for instance, Greg Bottoms writes about his brother Michael. Michael staunchly believed that his father was the source of all of his problems. He believed that the only way to stop his father was to burn him alive “before the demons completely overtook his soul.” In an effort to “save” his family, Michael lit the house on fire, convinced that killing his family meant that he was setting them free.

That example was meant to illustrate circumstances in which some families are forced to separate from their loved one with schizophrenia, for their own safety. Fortunately, that is not the case with your mother.

It is not selfish to want to live your own life. It is both normal and healthy. The desire to do what is normal and healthy should not produce feelings of guilt. Love often involves sacrifice, but you cannot sacrifice your entire life, chance of happiness and your future for the sake of your mother. You have the right and the obligation to care for yourself.

I would encourage you and your family to explore what social programs are available for your mother. There may be programs, staffed by mental health care workers, that could help care for your mother. Many counties have such programs and they may be free to your mother, depending on her health insurance. She may be eligible for intensive case management or a program in which doctors and nurses visit the home every day (if needed) to assist with medication management or to assess (and to subsequently attempt to improve upon) her daily mental health status.

What about medication? You mentioned that she is experiencing many psychiatric symptoms. The fact that she is experiencing significant psychiatric symptoms means that her quality of life is being compromised. Does her medication need to be adjusted? Check with her doctor about a possible medication change. Medication typically does not eliminate all symptoms but one can expect a significant reduction in symptoms.

You love your mother. That is clear but love cannot cure mental illness nor is it enough for her or for your family to have a high quality of life. Outside professional help is likely necessary in this situation and it may help to resolve this problem. You’d feel much better if you knew that, in your absence, your mother was being appropriately cared for by trained mental health professionals. It would also make you feel good to know that you helped to facilitate that care.

Check with your mother’s doctor, her treatment team or the local community mental health center to assess what programs or services are available. You should also contact the local National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). They may suggest programs that could assist your family. Please don’t hesitate to write again if you have additional questions. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

November 8, 2021 0 comment