Tag:

family arguments

Fighting with Mom

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 8th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi, I am having a lot of issues with my mom. We have always had a rocky relationship, if we are ever nice to each other it is fake. She makes the fighting seem like it is all my fault, and that I do not respect her. She thinks I am just a “teenager” and does not listen to a word i say. She is the most overprotective person I have ever met in my life and I just cant do it anymore. She clearly does not trust me when I have never done anything for her not to, and she knows that. i have never been caught doing anything, nor do I do anything remotely bad in any sense. She thinks I am basically the devil, and has never ever been real with me. She has these fantasies about who I am, and I honestly think she has something wrong with her. She has this obsession with taking my phone 24/7 no matter what. Every night at 8:00 she takes my phone, and never misses that time by a minute. Lately, she even tried to say I get my phone for an hour after school, and then it gets taken until the next day. I am a teenager??? I honestly think she has a mental disorder because every night, she will just go crazy. I cannot describe it but its like she becomes a different person. take this Friday for instance, she calls me while I am out with my friends to call my friends mom and make sure that she is still bringing me home. Its like when she gets bored she just tries to instagate me. Most people would say this is just her making sure I am safe, but once I gave her the moms number– she thought i was giving her the wrong number and threatened to call the grocery store where the mom worked, just to tell the mom that my friend was rude in the car? Please help! How do i make her understand I’m just a teenager? (From the USA)

I appreciate you writing in about this as I believe the struggle for independence is a common source of friction — particularly between mothers and daughters. Just like you have trouble understanding your mom’s behavior, she has trouble understanding yours. When things are going okay would be the time to ask her to sit down and talk. It sounds like there is a bit of a pattern where something happens — a fight, and then a lull, then another fight. I think that needs to change.

When things are okay — and no fights or conflicts are present — ask your mom to talk. Plan out what you would like to say ahead of time, and see if she is open to it. Three things seem important. The first is to find times when the relationship has been good and recall those times with your mom. Find a few memories to remind both of you that not everything is a fight. Secondly, you want to know what the two of you could do to improve the relationship. That you notice how much you fight and ask if there can be an opportunity for change. Finally, let your mom know that you would even be willing to go to a counselor (if you are) to work with her on making things better.

You want her to respect you more, and I think the way to do this is through a conversation you have when you are not fighting. If you need some help with this you may want to talk to your high school counselor as he or she might be able to give you some pointers about approaching your mom.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

September 8, 2021 0 comment

Is My Girlfriend’s Mother Normal?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 22nd, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My girlfriend and her mom have a weird relationship. They aren’t the normal daughter and mother. But about a year and 6 months ago my girlfriend moved out because her and her mom were fighting to the point where it would get very heated, and even sometimes violent. Her mom can be very verbally abusive as well, calling my girlfriend a bitch. She moved into her grandparents house and has been there since. Her mother hates that and resents her for going there first.

Now her mom has done everything to push her away. She has developed an unhealthy habit of going to the casino, she has admitted to me that she feels she’s getting addicted in a non healthy way. Her mom doesn’t pay her rent or phone, because her father pays it for her. She works a well paying job, 40 hours a week and still says she has no money or that she is struggling. She tells my girlfriend that if she does anything stupid it’s because of her, and to only blame herself. Even to the point of saying she’d hurt herself.

She comes over to her parents house where my girlfriend now lives, and she yells at them. She blames them for not having a normal relationship with her daughter. And when my girlfriend tries to fix their relationship by taking small steps towards hanging out with her more or going over to spend time, she is either treated with hostility or is told that she should have thought of that before she moved out.

My girlfriend is no saint, she has attitude and doesn’t show very much respect when she feels either hurt or annoyed. But the way her mother acts just doesn’t seem normal. I think she needs a doctor but I’m not sure what to do. She has a bad anger issue and is violent at times. I’m not sure how to help.

I know my girlfriends mom loves her, but she doesn’t show it in a conventional way.

I don’t know if she is mentally ill, but she is certainly distressed and distressing to be around. You have not been invited by her to be helpful to her so chances are that any help you offer will be badly received. You’ve described a woman who doesn’t take responsibility for herself and who seems to think that whatever challenges she has to face are someone else’s fault. To her, you will be no different.

I think all you can do in the situation is support your girlfriend in her efforts to get on with her own life. She cannot reason with a mother who is being irrational. Trying to talk her mother out of her opinions is a futile effort.

Your girlfriend is not obligated to put up with abusive language or behavior from her mom. Her biggest challenge is learning how not to fall for the bait by fighting back. She’ll get further and will feel better if she simply says to her mother that she will leave the scene if her mother tries to engage her in a fight or calls her names. Then she has to do it. Leave.

It’s very difficult to give up on a parent. But sometimes it is only by giving up that things start to get better. Her mother has to realize for herself what she has lost by alienating her whole family. Only then will there be an opportunity for change.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

April 22, 2021 0 comment

My Mom and I Constantly Fight

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 26th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My mom and I are always fighting. She is constantly telling me how to live my life and that any choices I make are wrong. She always constantly puts down my husband and says the nastiest, most vile things about him and I. I try to talk to her about it but it always ends with her and I yelling at each other and her telling me that I am being disrespectful to her.

She has told me multiple times that she wishes she had a different daughter when all I ever try to do is compromise with her and try to find a solution so we can both be happy and stop fighting.

The most recent incident was the family reunion a couple of weeks ago and my husband had to run to his office really quick to check on something and he ended up being 30 minutes late. This resulted in my mother telling me that he was an awful person and that he was non-committal and that he was worthless. She also went on to say that I was too good for him and that I don’t respect or value myself because I’m with him.

I have tried multiple times to explain to her how much it hurts both him and I when she says things like that and she always responds with, “Well just forget about me then, you treat me horribly anyway”.

I want so badly to have a relationship with my mom. I have tried everything I know to try and nothing seems to help. We always ending up fighting because she says something nasty and vile to me.

Christmas is in two weeks and I would love to spend it with her but I cannot bring myself to go over there and pretend like everything is okay when she isn’t even willing to sit down and talk to me about it.

Please tell me what I can do to help. I’m out of options of what I can do and I am just tired of fighting with her all of the time. My husband is to the point where he never wants to go to her house again as he feels disrespected and unwelcome in her home.

I just want things to be like they used to.

A: From the USA. It take two to have a relationship and your mother’s unforgiving, critical, and aggressive nature seems to prevent you from having a decent relationship. I’m not sure there is much value in pursuing someone who belittles your husband, disrespects you, and invites you to forget about her since she sees your efforts as horrible treatment.
I think it is time to severely limit the time you connect with her. I wouldn’t announce it, explain it, or ask permission to do it. I would unhook from her without a lot of fanfare. If you do see her for the holidays stay a very short time. I’d start making other plans rather than be insulted and disrespected.

In twelve-step programs there is a saying “detaching with love.” It means not to use anger to make a separation, but to detach with compassion from your mother’s limitations in her relationship with you. If you are the only one wanting a good relationship it can’t work.

Finally, stop trying to make your mother happy. Take care of your emotional needs first. If she genuinely becomes interested in why you are no longer coming around you can let her know it is too difficult to be around her. Not as a way of blaming her, but rather as a way of informing her of your need.

If, on the off chance she is ready to try and have a relationship. The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find a family therapist close to you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

February 26, 2021 0 comment