Tag:

Family Dysfunction

My Father and Mother Fighting Issue Not as Anyone Expected

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 20th, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello,
I am 17 years old and preparing for competition exam, my problem is far beyond your expectations please helppppp.
So since my birth my father used to beat my mom and she has suffered all of those for us ( me and brother ) this thing continues till I was 12-year-old fight used to once or twice in a week but not all time beating and all sometimes it is just vocal but after I was 12 my mother got to know her rights and she becomes too aggressively to slap my father in case of misbehaving. Meaning that during 1-12 my father was dominant
But after I was 12 it was something of the middle which is even worse since nobody used to apologize. When I hit 14 my mother almost lost all her control and become highly dominant which result in peace because my father is now scared of my mom but there were an occasional fight because mother used to be too angry but it went well
Things changed after my father’;s accident he got the brain clots which make him mad for almost one month that one month me my big brother and mom had sacrificed everything ( sleep money rest) to take his care but when he was like alright to go to work we observe a change in his behaviour he was back the same one who like to get all the attention of house everyone should stop his work when he enters room now I am preparing for exam out of the city and I have received everyday my dad call crying that mom is beating him and not making food to eat which is completely opposite told by my mom .she says that he is the one who always starts arguing and mom cannot take it down ( since she is dominating now) I don’t know what to do now as I have heard from my dad that he didn’t wish to live .
Also, I forget to tell you ( my mom attempt suicide when my dad was torturing her when I was about 8 yr old she luckily got saved )
Now, dad is the financial stability of the family and I cannot do anything (From India)

Thank you for sharing this difficult situation with us. I hope I can offer some support and guidance. The heartbreaking detail about your father’s abuse — now your mother’s — is an important series of dynamics to understand. You’ve grown up in a highly dysfunctional household where your father’s brutality toward your mother both physically and verbally was the default, the norm of the situation. When you turned 12, the tables were turned and your mother’s empowerment turned toward abuse.

Now, after your father’s accident and the conflicting reports from your parents you are feeling like you can’t do anything. There is a good reason for you to be feeling this way. The problems in your family started long before and as you are making preparations to leave by taking your examination you are more fully realizing all their issues and problems. The reason you are feeling like you cannot do anything is that you can not. Your parent’s problems run much deeper than what their 17-year-old son can manage. Their conflicts are not yours to solve. Your work now is on continuing to prepare for the exam away from them, do well enough to be able to leave, and begin developing your own path of independence and individuation.

By your parents not providing you with a better environment for you to develop in they have not given you or your brother what you could have used in growing up. Both you and your brother will need to support and help each other through this next phase of life. Seek support from teachers, your school, where you worship and extended family to help you through this time. Use your resources for your development, not for trying to correct parents that are embroiled in their own mistreatment of each other. Focus on you and your brother’s development, not on your parents.

I realize this may not be what you want to hear. Yet, detaching with love is a term often used when family members are too far involved in their pathology for you to be of genuine help without depleting yourself. Detaching with love means that you can have compassion for them, but not get too absorbed in trying to fix them. This may be difficult, but it is one of the only ways to get through this time without depleting yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

March 20, 2022 0 comment

Adult Autism Spectrum Disorder

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. August 23rd, 2021

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I grew up in a house with two heroin addicts for parents, so concern over my health usually wasn’t addressed, however my sisters and other family members have recently noted that I have odd behavior and mannerisms associated with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). When I turned 17 I left my parents and moved in with my aunt and uncle, who provide room and board as long as I help around the house. I’ve lived here for 6 years now as a shut-in and it frustrates me, because I want to get on with my life(I am by no means lazy or unproductive,) I’ve always been obsessed with physics and I really want to go to college, but most days I cannot even bring myself to leave the house. Something as simple as going to the nearest convenience store renders me catatonic and when I do manage to go in, I am in a constant state of high anxiety and I inadvertently look away from people if they glance in my direction. I have had maybe a total of 10 friends in my lifetime, (half of them family members)though I say friends, I usually can’t stand to be around them for more than 30 minute increments and I almost always have to feign interest and emotions when I do socialize. Usually if the topic of discussion or the activity doesn’t involve my line of thought in some way, I lose all interest and tune them out or flat out tell them that I do not care what they are talking about. I’ve been called rude and a jerk a few times because of this but it’s not like I do this on purpose, I try hard to be interested in what other people think but it never works out. The only time I feel comfortable and happy is when I am alone with my thoughts.

I’ve taken a multitude of tests online which all say it is very likely I have an ASD, however I know these tests are not meant to be used for diagnosis which is why I ask on this site if I should proceed to see a psychologist or if it’s possibly something else. It is also worth noting, I recently read that Hypotonia is commonly associated with ASDs as well as other brain disorders and while I can’t say either way if I have it or not, I’ve been made fun of quite often for my shaky hands but it has never been something I’ve been able to control at all (even when I’m not nervous or anxious) and when I was an infant they tell me my head always drooped to one side because I had a big head. After telling my older sister about Asperger’s, she looked at symptoms, she thought it described me quite well (she specifically mentioned about people with aspergers flapping their hands about, as this is something I’ve done for years when I get excited which she always made fun of me for doing.)

A: Thank you for writing in with your question. I would definitely suggest that you follow through with seeing a psychologist, not only to be evaluated diagnostically, but because you have some very serious symptoms that are impacting the quality of your life. You certainly list some symptoms that could be part of ASD, but it could also be a severe anxiety disorder, such as Social Phobia. You could have also developed some unique coping skills in order to deal with the dysfunctional environment in which you were raised. Some coping skills make sense at the time, but they seem strange or unusual years later or out of context.

You deserve to feel comfortable with yourself and with others. You can develop skills to manage your anxiety and build up the ability to expand your safety zone so that you cannot only go the store but eventually to college. In the meantime, it may be good for you to enroll in some online college classes to help build confidence and to give you an outlet for your intellectual interests.

I encourage you to find a therapist to help you with these goals. You might consider asking one of your sisters or your aunt and uncle to go with you to the first few appointments to reduce anxiety and also to get an outside perspective.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

August 23, 2021 0 comment

Identity Loss From Past Family Dysfunction

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 12th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My family became dysfunctional when I was 13. It took 5 years of my life away from me. Coping during those times was difficult, especially with school. I never told anyone how I was treated at home or what went on, because I was embarrassed. This made me feel lonely. I also had no positive relationship with my family, which only added to my feelings of isolation. The dysfunction altered my personality in noticeable ways. I became introverted, depressed, stressed, angry and irritable. I lacked self-esteem and feared people. I was very fearful of judgment and rejection. Through my adolescence, I used art and writing to survive. My peers eventually labeled me an artist. I worked extraordinarily hard to solidify my skills. I even wanted to pursue a career in the arts or publish a book. Today, I am 19 years old and my family has made changes for the better. But we still don’t recognize or discuss what happened in the past, as if to keep it a secret. Things aren’t perfect, but I do have a relationship with my family now. The dysfunction finally stopped sometime after my high school graduation and when I was hired for my first job. But we do fall back into our old patterns from time to time, without really noticing. My current problem now is not my family, but myself. I have been maturing and growing as a person, which is giving me lots of stress. I have lost a lot of my enthusiasm for art and writing. This is really hurtful, because I feel that I am losing something that I put so much effort and love into. Now, I’m not sure what I want to do for a living. I don’t even know myself anymore. Perhaps the artist persona was only protection from my family. I was hoping that you could help me with this identity crisis. I really want to start college, but haven’t yet because of this issue. My mom is very involved with the church now, which makes me stress over my purpose even more. I worry about being a good person, the meaning of life and spirituality, because I’ve never been that religious. I desperately want to know if I’m doing things right. Another issue I have is my mental health. I still struggle with lingering emotions from the past. I can be stressed, irritated, or depressed from time to time. I really want to get better, because I am tired of hurting. I can hardly focus at my job or communicate with others. Thanks for reading my great big long story. I hope you choose to respond. Your advice will be treasured!

Throughout your letter you reference a significant life-changing family incident that occurred five years ago. It was apparently traumatic because it impacted your life in a negative way. However, you have omitted that key piece of information from your letter. Without that information, it is difficult for me to provide you with specific advice.

With regard to art and writing, it is possible that you did utilize them as a way to cope with strong emotions. Art and writing, as a creative outlet, may have served as a form of psychological protection. That creative outlet may have prevented the development of serious psychological problems.

Art and writing served a psychologically healthy purpose during your tumultuous teenage years but those particular outlets may no longer be necessary as an adult. In other words, the needs that you had during your teenage years are different than the needs you have in your current phase of life. You may like art and writing and still want to engage in those activities but you may no longer feel the “need” to do it. Try not see that change as something negative. It might be evidence of psychological growth and development.

As one grows and develops, change is evitable. Change may be frightening and disorienting but it is a necessary aspect of psychological growth.

In addition, it’s not uncommon for individuals to write poetry during their teenage years. Few individuals are destined as adults to become poets, yet poetry writing among teenagers is seemingly universal. The point here is that many teenagers engage in some type of creative exercise which they will ultimately abandon as they mature.

You could greatly benefit from counseling. Many of the issues that you are struggling with, including traumatic history, confusion about what you want to do with your life, dealing with life transitions and identity development, are the prototypical reasons why many individuals enter counseling. You would be a great candidate for counseling. I would highly recommend it. The find help tab, at the top of this page, can help you to locate a therapist in your community. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
@DrKRandle

May 12, 2021 0 comment