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Is My Mom Abusing Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 12 year old girl in Lithuania: I can’t tell if my mom is abusing me or if I’m just overreacting. My mom is a normal mom but whenever she gets mad she cusses, hits or ignores me. She calls me bitch, a piece of sh-t, an idiot, and more. However, when she’s on Instagram or in front of other people, she acts as if she never calls me names or stuff.

One time, I was going from school to home with mom and she got mad because she wanted me to pick up my little sister from school but I couldn’t. She went back to school, took all my belongings, and hit me in the car to force me to get me out. I got out of the car and she drove off. I live far from home so I had to call my dad from work to go back home after waiting outside for 3 hours, and it was cold, I didn’t have any jacket on. When I told this to my bestie, she said my mom seems immature and I needed help. But I couldn’t afford to see a therapist without my parents knowing it.

My dads always fighting for me when mom’s out of control, but mom hits him too and when he’s not there I can’t do anything else. When I got my final grades, it was written that I was late once. My mom went crazy and yelling names at me and saying that I’m a hybrid that skips school whenever I felt like it, but I have never skipped school in my life.

My mom thinks she’s always right and she won’t listen to me. Sometimes she embarrasses me and my sister in front of people by yelling and going crazy because again, she was just mad at something else. So basically she just uses me as a stress relieving material whenever she’s mad.

These days I wanna kill myself so I can get rid of her but I get scared attempting. She expects too much from me. I’m scared to tell her my feelings because last time I told her my feelings she got mad. What do I do?

You are not over-reacting. Your mom knows she is doing something wrong or she wouldn’t act differently when she is in public. Your dad knows something is wrong or he wouldn’t be taking your side when he witnesses these episodes. No kid deserves to be hit and called names by the parent who is supposed to love and protect them.

I can’t know if your mother is ill, over-stressed herself, has inadequate parenting skills or some combination. I do know that this has to stop. Your dad at least believes you but seems powerless to stop it. Your bestie is right. You (and your dad) need help.

Ask your dad if he will take the initiative to get you all into family therapy. If he can’t or won’t, do talk to a teacher or counselor you trust at school. School personnel often know of ways for kids like you to get some help.

In the meantime, stay out of your mom’s way. Get involved in activities that keep you busy after school. Do assignments in the library. Resist the temptation to argue with your mom. It will probably only make things worse. Instead, tell her you are sorry she feels that way and leave as gracefully as you can.

I hope your dad steps up and helps. If you think it would help, show him your letter and this response.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Hate My Stepdaughter

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’m 20. I just got married but i hate my husbands daughter (4 years old). She is very spoiled and has a horrible attitude. She has extreme tantrums, doesnt listen, everytime we ask her to do something or to stop doing something she will reply by saying “no” or even yelling it.

My husband doesn’t discipline her, he doesnt spank her, never yells or tells her shes doing something wrong and the few times he does she doesnt listen and he just gives up and lets her do whatever she wants. He buys her everything she wants, he never says no to her.

She is also way too dependent on him, he cant even walk to the front lawn with out her throwing a huge tantrum, she can literally see him not leaving yet she will yell and cry. She cant fall asleep without him there; when he comes back to our room she will wake up and run to our room crying and forces herself on our bed to sleep with us. She is unbelievably disrespectful, she always answers by saying “what”, she has thrown a tantrum because she wanted a toy and when he finally gave in and gave it to her she replied with “yeah thats what I thought”.

She is so disrespectful, rude and violent. She will push and hit her 2 year old cousin, she wont share and jump on my husbands stomach, she will even smack hit him in the face.

I dont know what to do, i love my husband with all my heart but im at the point i dread when she comes over, just seeing her puts me in a bad mood. I hate seeing her, i hate when she speaks or touches me, i just hate her. I dont want to leave my husband but i dont know what to do.

Ive never been a kid person, but ive always been good with children, its just her attitude and how disrespectful, rude and needy she is.

You are talking about a 4 year old as if she is 20. She’s not. She is 4 and troubled and is doing the only thing she can do to let you know how much she is hurting. Tantrums and beligerence at her age are how kids communicate distress. She needs understanding. She needs structure and predictability. She needs a great deal of love.

Of course she is dependent on her dad. She knows he left her mother and deep inside she is afraid he will leave her, too. She needs to know that the adults in her life are trustworthy. Refusing to spank her or yell at her is a great start, but he — and you — need to know what to do instead about misbehavior.

Your problem is not with this little girl. Your problem is that you and your husband aren’t adequately prepared to be co-parents. In hindsight, it would have been helpful for you to see a parenting expert or a family therapist before you got married. But it is not too late to get your family on track.

Give up your “hatred” for this little girl and get busy. Hating her and calling her names (lazy, spoiled) won’t help. In fact, it will only make things worse. Learning some new skills will help.

Find a parent education group and/or a family therapist who can teach you and your husband how to work together as a parenting team. Your husband needs to learn how to step up to the task of being a dad. You need to learn skills for step-parenting. You both need to learn how to help the child heal and how to support each other while you do it.

While you wait for an appointment, get yourself some parenting books and do your “homework”. There are excellent books available that will help you understand your situation better and that will give you important information about how to make the three of you into a family.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Am I Difficult to Love or Like?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I was diagnosed Bipolar II in 2007. My family and friends have had a hard time accepting this and most of my friends stopped talking to me and said I was faking it for attention and my mother told a family member that I could be different if I wanted to. I try so hard to be “normal” but sometimes it’s hard for me not to be overly anxious or very talkative.

When I’m around my family, I feel like they don’t like me very much and I don’t know if they love me anymore. Before my diagnosis and my “break down”, things were fine but after, things changed drastically. Even the way they speak to me has changed. There are times I feel anxious and I talk a lot and I try not to but my sister will admonish me in front of the entire family and tell me to calm down and stop cutting people off (my family is very boisterous and everyone speaks at the same time but she singles me out, even though every one is doing the same thing). My brother will shake his head and walk out on me and my father calls me a drama queen. I don’t know what to do anymore. I try to ignore it while I’m there because I don’t want to make a scene and ruin the evening but it makes me so sad and then later on, when I’ve had time to reflect, I get so angry and I want to cut them all out of my life. Last time I was there, I had such an awful time that once I got home, I had such an emotional melt down that affected me for hours just from the stress of the family get together. I don’t know what to do anymore and my family is one of those families that feels justified in their actions so no family therapy, no rational sit downs to tell them how I feel because they’ll turn it around on me and call me a “drama queen”. I know not all of this is because I’m bipolar II. I can usually recognize when I’m having issues but I get this treatment even on good days when I’m fine and quiet. Maybe it is me? Maybe I just don’t see it? I don’t know anymore but whatever the reason, being with my family makes me more miserable than any other time. Thanks for listening.

I am sorry you are having so much trouble with your family and friend relations. It was unclear from your email if you are in therapy and if you are being prescribed medicine for the bipolar II. If you are not in therapy and have not had a medication consultation I would strongly recommend finding a therapist and a psychiatrist who has experience in treating this condition. Being in the care of people who are trained to help can be an important step in coping with this.

On the good news side it sounds like you have some internal sense of when an episode is happening. This can give you options in dealing with your responses. I believe the strongest vehicle for learning what these options are is through group therapy. The find help tab at the top of this page can bring you to a person in your area that may be able to help. Often your local community mental health facility has an outpatient program where groups are available. In a group you will learn how to deal with your internal activation as well as how to come with feedback and confrontation from others. It can be a powerful source of support as you find your way.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Poor Relationship with Parents

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I love with my dad and his long term girlfriend who is practically a mother to me than my own one is. I have always felt like the relationship between me and my parents has gotten slowly worse with age and I feel like there’s this power struggle going on with my dad mainly. I don’t know if I am to blame, if there’s things I can do to improve on the relationship other than sit and just avoid any contact with him, which hasn’t worked or just bend to every rule he makes. He has this very aggressive, controlling nature, using respect as a weapon against any lack of discipline towards him. I respect his house and his rules to a degree, but he makes a lot up as he goes and uses respect, or what he calls lack of respect, for him as a way to manipulate any situation to make me feel like I’m the one in the wrong. I have grown up with the notion of respect being a two way street but also to respect your parents, however I have never respected my birth mother due to her complete lack of human empathy towards anyone other than herself. However I have always respected him, to an extent feared him and it’s been that way for years however I can no longer deal with the sheer stress of living with this and he refuses to acknowledge when he is wrong and believes I am so arrogant and stuck up when I believe I am right when standing up for myself against him. I don’t know what I can do to improve the situation. He’s a good man, he’s always looked after me and taken care of me as any parent should however he has such an aggressive, controlling attitude to everything in his life that it’s just getting to a very toxic point in our lives. However I am the one being blamed for it and not him as well, which makes me depressed and think that maybe there is something wrong with me that I just don’t realise so I really don’t know what to do in this scenario.

It would be helpful to have an objective evaluation of the situation. You may be right about your father and he might be entirely to blame. It’s also possible that you are contributing to the problems in this relationship, but without an objective third-party assessment it’s difficult to make that determination.

One solution to this problem is individual counseling. This would involve you going to see a therapist on your own. Another option is family therapy. If your father is open to it, this might be a good way to sort through these problems. Given how you described your father, he may not be open to family therapy. It wouldn’t hurt to ask. If he’s not open to it, then try individual counseling. Family therapy may be the ideal but individual counseling could help a great deal.

The good thing about counseling is that you get to meet with an experienced professional who can provide you with an objective opinion on this matter. The analysis the comes from good psychotherapy can help to clarify your situation. The therapist could also assist you in learning better ways to interact with your father. Clearly, something needs to change but without more information and further analysis, it is unclear as to how to proceed.

The bottom line is that this seems to be a power struggle. There are likely other factors involved. Understanding the power dynamics between the two of you will be important in knowing how to move forward.

One thing is certain, if you’re living with your father, it may be time to move out. You stated that you “respect his house and his rules to a degree” which made me think that you might still be living in his home. If so, your moving out could significantly improve the dynamics of your relationship. He might gain respect for you if he saw you developing more independence.

Also, the fact that you follow his rules only “to a degree” could be part of the problem. It’s not clear what those rules are and if you should be following them entirely or “to a degree.” Again, more information and analysis are necessary.

If your father is as controlling and aggressive as you have described him to be, it might be in your best interest to keep your distance. When someone’s unwilling to change, then it is you who must adapt. If your interaction with him is problematic, then it would be wise to limit the time you spend with him.

I wish that I had more specific guidance I could offer you but that’s impossible to do over the Internet. There’s a great deal of information that would need to be acquired in order to give you the most appropriate advice. That is why in-person counseling is the ideal solution to this problem. It’s the best way to acquire the necessary guidance for interacting with difficult people. It will also help to resolve the depression you’re feeling as a result of this situation. I hope that you will give it a try. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Reconcilation After An Emotional Affair?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My wife and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 of them. We have a 20 mo old child together. Last year we began having trouble with our relationship and separated about 6 mo ago and I filed for divorce, which was close to very ugly. During this time she was in a non sexual relationship with one of our friends. A short time ago she and I began to discuss reconciliation of our relationship and fixing our marriage. She has agreed to go to counseling but says “not yet”. Things seemed ok at first when she was still living at her new place. She has moved back in to our house with the kids and things then changed again. I have since found out that she still has feelings for this other person and has maintained contact with him and is even telling him “I love you”. We both have trust issues with each other, her for what I did during separation and divorce to threaten her place with her children and ours, and I wondering if she can be faithful to this relationship or if she even feels that she can love me again (because recently she cant show it or even tell me “I love you”). It seems the harder I try to make things right and settle anything between us it pushes her farther away. And if I sit back and wait for her to “clear her head” I’m afraid of being seen as not doing enough. I don’t want to push her but I don’t want to lose a chance to fix our marriage……I hope I’m being clear enough with all of this to get some helpful advice.

As painful as this situation is, I’m very glad you haven’t given up. I agree that five years together, the well-being of a toddler, and your own feelings make it worth a big effort to try to salvage things. There’s another choice besides “waiting” or “pushing.” Take action and go to therapy yourself. Find a good couples therapist and start the process rolling. Your wife may need to see you doing something to believe your good intentions. You may need to figure out some new ways to approach her to rebuild some trust. Instead of focusing on what she is and isn’t doing, work to be the best kind of husband and father you know how to be. If she sees some changes, she may join you in therapy so that this marriage can be saved. If she doesn’t and you do divorce, you will know in your heart that you did your best. Equally important, you will have established a different kind of relationship. Hopefully, this will make it possible for the two of you to co-parent in ways that are healthy for your child.

You can find a therapist by clicking on the “Find Help” tab on our home page or you can do a web search. Check out the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy website and your state to find licensed therapists who are trained and experienced in working with couples and families.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Developing a Friendship with Ex, Grown Daughters Will Not Speak to Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Recently I have been developing a friendship with my ex husband. It was a rocky marriage. Divorced 15 years ago. He has received counseling for being a peeping tom 17 years ago. Yes he peeped at my daughters. In case you need to know, he never touched them, he watched from afar. They are now in their 30’s. They hate him. He has mellowed and is regretful. He has said he is sorry to them twice and would get on his knees if he thought it would help. Two months ago we started ‘hanging out’, going places. I did not tell them because I was just seeing him and not asking them to engage in any form of relationship because I knew they would not want to. About two months ago they figured out that we had gone out of town for the night. They sent me terrible texts and threatened not to speak to me again if I didn’t not stop seeing him. I have continued to do things with him because we are so happy together. He seems to have truly changed. I understand that time will only tell. We are not getting married or even including them in the time we spend together. Neither of us remarried after we split up many years ago. We have both been very lonely, not the type to jump into relationships. So now I am torn up inside. I will be miserable if I cannot keep my friendship with him but my stomach stays in knots because I have now been excluded from my family. I am miserable without my family but would be without him as well.

Should I do as my daughter want and stop seeing him? I do understand he did a terrible thing.

Thank you for any advise you can give.

While I admire your capacity for forgiveness there are dynamics within your family that require you to see the reconnection from their perspective in order to maintain the balance.

If you think of the family like a mobile hanging from the ceiling each person in the family is affected by what everyone else does. When your husband checked out, it was like putting a 10 pound weight on him that profoundly threw off the family dynamics. When you divorced him it was like cutting that weight, and your family, out of the balance.

Over time, everyone has adjusted to each other without him being a factor. Reconnecting with him, almost by definition, will throw the balance off again. Your daughter’s request for you to not see him is their attempt at bringing the family back into balance as it was. Since you’ve reconnected with him there is an on going problem with the dynamics. The struggle now his is how to honor your need to reconnect while honoring both your daughter’s.

I highly recommend you and your daughters make an appointment with the family therapist. Here’s a link to a highly regarded association. It will help you find someone in your area. I believe this is very important. To just stop seeing him because of your daughters request alone without a mediated discussion may create more difficulties for you downstream.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Turning Off Feelings Toward Spouse

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My hubby and I both struggle with depression. I have worked hard to keep control of it. always exercising, meditating, and in the day, while he’s away, I feel fine. But he’ll send a single negative text and It’ll come sweeping back. I am terrified to talk to him, because the slightest thing will set him off. he has so many triggers and he has a way of making me feel guilty, as though I’m to blame when he goes through a depressive episode. Well, a while ago, I realized he is my trigger; I kinda see it in my head as he is poisoning me–I know it’s heartless to admit. While he was having a panic attack, and me feeling one coming, I turned off all my emotions toward him. Everything. And doing so I felt so free. We have one son together, and I still feel emotions toward him. I feel emotions toward everything else, but when he says anything, good or bad, I feel nothing. My depression is no longer there, creeping. It’s gone. I know it’s not healthy. I know it’s not good for our relationship. The extent of what I feel toward him is irritation because I feel like he’s sabotaging his career and that effects me and my son.

My question is… I could turn it back on. but I’m finally able to breathe. So, should I? I’m a better mother when I don’t have that weighing on my chest. but… Not caring about him is bad for our relationship. and I do love him as I know he loves me. so… should I turn it back on and risk having panic attacks and depression again? I can’t be the only one going through this (I looked and didn’t see much about it).

When we don’t feel pain, we don’t feel anything. Shutting off your emotions will indeed work, but the problem is that you will also have to shut down part of yourself in order to keep it going.

I’d like to lift some of the words you’ve used to identify why shutting down your feelings have become so important. You say: “I am terrified to talk to him”; “he is poisoning me”; “I felt so free”; “what I feel toward him is irritation”; “I’m a better mother when I don’t have that weighing on my chest.”

Whatever it is you love about him seems to be in direct conflict with what you need to do to survive him. On top of all of this, you see him as sabotaging his career.

The strategy you’ve developed to survive your feelings about your husband doesn’t seem like it allows you to fully thrive. It seems like it allows you to tolerate your marriage as you continue to feel resentment. This approach may work for a while, but in the long run, the resentment will prove too much to be healthy.

It is time for couple counseling. You shutting yourself down to be a happier person and a better mom isn’t a sustainable strategy. Turning your feelings back on to allow the resentment also doesn’t sound viable. What is needed is a third party to help you communicate the depth of your fear of talking to him. His triggering you sounds very real, but if you cannot communicate this to him he has no chance to learn.

The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find a therapist in your area. You may also want to try this group as they specialize in marriage and family therapy.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Stepdaughter Suddenly Says I Am Mean

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

background: I’ve been with my SO for nearly 10 years and been in his daughter’s life from day one. Her mother forbid me to be called stepmom etc and I am not allowed to call her my stepdaughter etc. So I don’t, I am only doing that here for ease of understanding. This weekend is the first weekend my SD didn’t want to come see us. She really hurt her dad’s feelings by telling him she didn’t want to see him, in those words. She came out anyway and e-mailed him that she did not want to come because I am Mean. She couldn’t give any specific examples except that I ignore her when we fight? The thing is we don’t fight and if her dad and I have a disagreement while she is there I specifically apologize to her and tell her we should save those kind of discussions for after the weekend. We do fun things together like crafts and baking. She told her dad not to tell me she said this until she left and he listened. I feel robbed of the opportunity to talk to her. I always thought she and I got along so well. I’m extremely proud of what a smart young woman she is becoming and try to make sure she knows that. She asked her grandmother to stop at my work just to say hello last week. This came out of nowhere. Now her dad wants me to talk to her, her mom wants me in counseling, and I want to ignore it because I am honestly thinking this is some kind of trap being set by her mother in hopes of getting full custody. There’s more background on her mom but I don’t have enough words left to get into that. The trust issues are not without merit. Also, Her dad works away a lot and her mom won’t let me see her when he is away. This time he will be gone for a month.

I’m not sure how much power you have in this situation. You chose to join a blended family situation. That was your decision. Decisions have consequences. Blended families can be complicated, often because of having to deal with ex-spouses, jealousy, and so forth.

Do what you can to make positive changes. If it means going to therapy, then you might have to acquiesce. If you want to have a relationship with your stepdaughter, you might have to do things that you don’t want to do or don’t think are necessary. That’s all part of attempting to correct these types of issues.

You can also try these few ideas to help improve your relationship with your step-daughter:

  1. Communicate regularly and openly: Try to have regular conversations with your stepdaughter about her interests, hobbies, school, and friends. Create a safe space where she can share her thoughts and feelings without judgment or criticism. Be an active listener and show empathy towards her concerns.
  2. Spend quality time together: Find activities that you both enjoy and make time to do them together. It could be as simple as watching a movie, going for a walk, or trying out a new recipe. By spending quality time together, you can build a stronger bond and create positive memories.
  3. Show appreciation and affection: Express your love and appreciation for your stepdaughter regularly. Offer words of encouragement, praise her accomplishments, and show physical affection such as hugging or holding hands. These gestures can help her feel valued and supported.
  4. Respect her boundaries and individuality: As a step-parent, it’s important to respect your stepdaughter’s boundaries and individuality. Allow her to make her own decisions and express her opinions. Avoid comparing her to others or criticizing her choices. Instead, focus on building a positive relationship based on mutual respect and trust.

I wish I had better advice for you in this situation, but the reality is it can be difficult for stepparents to affect change. You might suggest family therapy as a way to begin to remedy this issue. Hopefully, that will help. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Husband Did Not Protect Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: Two years ago we went on a short trip to the mountains with my husband, his older brother and two other friends. My husband and I were not married at that time, but we were together for 10 years at that time and I’ve known his brother too for a long time. He has a hard personality, before I knew him, when I just started to date my husband, husband told me that his brother is bad and I shouldn’t talk much to him because he can upset people.

I was trying to keep the relationship normal with him, not being too close or anything. During the years there was a situation between him and my brother in law, husband’s brother treated him very bad, my brother in law was working for him but had to leave the job as they were not getting along at all, husband’s brother was treating him very bad. This situation upset me very much and we did have a fight because of that with my husband, I felt very angry because he just wouldn’t care how he treats other people and that this situation would upset us too. After that I was more aware of his temperament and tried to keep distant towards him.

So from the first evening I heard some comments from him that I think were meant to upset me, he is the older brother and their father died and he feels somewhat in charge of my husband, like he needs to protect him from me. He was saying that I don’t take care as I should for him, he was saying that his own wife (she did not come with us) treats him so well, and that I am not taking care of my husband so well as she does of him. I’ve heard that he is not treating his wife well. I haven’t responded any way to this, I just walked out of the room and did not want to spend the evening in his company.

Next day I was just trying to avoid him all day, was not talking to him almost at all. That must have been very annoying to him as in the evening he just started to say very hurtful things to me, shouting, when my husband was not around, I was just telling him to stop. He didn’t. Then I refused to go out anywhere with him, so me and my husband stayed in the cabin while he and others went out.

Next morning, we went to have breakfast, at the cabin’s restaurant, and he just started to insult and say bad things when me and my husband sat at another table. This is when my husband saw with his own eyes the aggressiveness he had towards me. It was very bad.

They went to ski for a few hours, but we just stayed in to wait for them so we will return home all together as we came with one car. In the car while driving he had another episode of anger and insult, after that I just cried for the rest of the time. I felt very disappointed of my partner, as I feel he didn’t protect me enough, I felt so alone.

I know my husband loves me very much, we are great together, but I can not forgive him for letting his brother treat me the way he did. My husband tells me that they talked and his brother is feeling bad about what happened, but I don’t believe that because with every occasion he has, the brother shows the same attitude towards me. I don’t know how to behave, every time i know they talked or met, I feel betrayed by my husband, and I show him how upset I am. It’s been two years since then, we barely meet, his brother calls him a lot though, if we meet there is so much tension, and I am always aware that he can again say something mean and I will be only on my own.

Let me offer you another perspective: You say your husband loves you and you are good together. You also say that your husband warned you years ago that his brother is a bad person. It looks to me like your husband has given up trying to change his brother — and probably for good reason. It may be that not “defending” you was the best defense of all.

For you to hold onto a grudge against your husband for two years will doom your marriage. You can’t continue feeling “alone”. He can’t sustain feeling like he is failing some kind of “test”.  It’s a wonder to me that the two of you have been able to live together for two years with this kind of tension between you.

Here’s what is real: Your husband hasn’t found a way to influence his brother to give up his anger or to get treatment for it. You can’t change his brother either — and you can’t change your husband’s relationship with his brother. Your husband doesn’t see a way to manage his brother differently or he would have done it long ago.

From what you shared, I think nothing good would have come from “defending” you on the ski trip. His brother would have only escalated. You had to make the drive home together so it may have been wise for your husband to do what he always does — ignore and placate, this time to make sure you had a ride home.

The problem for you is not that your husband didn’t leap to your defense. The problem is that you and your husband don’t have a clear mutual understanding about why maintaining some kind of relationship with brother is important and how to manage his anger issues and aggression.

I can’t offer a solution here. I just don’t have enough information. You and your husband need the guidance and support of a family therapist to get to the bottom of what goes on and to come up with ways to deal with brother — together. The situation is too painful for you both to carry on as you have done.

Please. Ask your husband to go with you to some sessions with a licensed family therapist. If he won’t go, go yourself. Often one partner has to take the lead before the other person feels comfortable joining in. You need expert help. Otherwise, I see a divorce in the making.

I wish you all well.

Dr. Marie

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How Should My Family Handle My Narcissistic Brother?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My problem is my 23 year old brother claims he wants to move out yet he stays with us. (I’m 26 btw) He may have a job, but he doesn’t help around the house. My mother makes him contribute financially. My brother steals my dad’s  xbox controller since 2014 or 2015. My brother is a massive liar. Whenever he’s confronted he’ll lie about it.

Whenever my brother comes home from work or hanging out with his pals he comes back home leaving the kitchen lights on and I mostly have to turn them back on. It doesn’t help that my room has French doors, it’s located in the dining room next to the living room which makes bedtime a nightmare. I get that my mother had to raise us four kids. (My older sister moved out two years ago.)

I feel me and my mother had enabled him to be a spoiled pig by cleaning up his room and I usually get paid for that. This happened since 2013. In the late 2000s my mother and him would get into a fight about cleaning his room.
When my grandmother babysit, I help around the house I usually put away most of the laundry including my brother’s. Back then I was too scared to stand up to him. (I was sixteen back then) because I didn’t have the confidence to stand up to him.

He would manipulate me into playing outdoor sports with him back in 2007-2009 (thankfully he doesn’t do that no more.) My mother would go from defending him then to agreeing with us that he’s a jerk. The problem is that my brother doesn’t talk to any of us often. He would come to one of us when he needs something.

I told my father that I couldn’t take it anymore but he told me to be strong and perserverant. How am I supposed to be strong and perseverant when I’ve been dealing with my narcissist of a brother over the years?

There’s an old saying: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” The point is that your family has taught him that he can do as he pleases with no negative consequences for inappropriate behavior. You didn’t give me enough information for me to make a guess why this got going. People can enable others out of fear, out of pity, because they feel they owe someone something, because they don’t know what else to do. Sometimes people enable someone in the hopes that if he gets enough support, he will straighten out. It rarely works but you can’t fault good hearted people from trying.

Sometimes parents and older siblings at first enable a younger sibling because he’s cute or because they feel sorry he can’t keep up. What starts with the best of the intentions becomes a nightmare as the kid gets older and still expects everyone to see him as the Little Prince he once was.

Perhaps you have an idea why your brother’s behavior is tolerated. If whatever started it still exists, chances are your parents won’t change their acceptance of his rude and entitled behavior. But that ‘s your parents’ decision.

You are 26 — an adult. You probably can’t change your family’s way of operating since (judging from your father’s comment) they don’t want to change — even though they complain about him. You can change your response. Better yet, you can work, save your money, and set a goal for leaving them all to sort it out together like your sister did.  You don’t have to be a part of it.

Meanwhile, stop cleaning his room (even if you are paid). Stop putting away his laundry. Put shades on your french doors so light won’t bother you. Don’t respond when he comes to you for something he wants. Let him know that he’s an adult and you will treat him like one even if no one else does. Then do it.

If your parents would like to change your brother’s treatment of the family, I suggest you all go together to see a family therapist. The therapist will make it clear that you all can’t change him. But you can change how you all respond to him. The therapist will give you guidance and support for doing so. If you do, and do it with consistency over time, your brother will no longer get what he wants by being obnoxious. He will have to either change or leave. He’ll hate having to finally grow up, but it could be the best thing that ever happened to him.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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How Can I Enjoy My Mum’s Visits?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Queensland: I’ve been having trouble with my mother. I find her disrespectful in my home. Anytime I attempt to clean or manage my children she interjects. If I try to explain why I do it this way she becomes offended and indicates that my way is wrong and that I am foolish for doing it so.

I moved far away so that these negative interactions are limited but of course she wants to visit the grandkids. I’m exhausted from biting my tongue to keep the peace but also becoming increasingly anxious as the house becomes trashed and the kids are going feral. I have been hiding in my room to avoid confrontation. This has led her to accuse me of being ungrateful and rather then discuss further with me she has stormed off to sulk in her room.

I feel i’m too old for this drama and it upsets the kids. Things I tell her I need become such a drama. For example trying to get the kids ready for school in the morning. If I tell my son to get his shoes on, she tells me there’s plenty of time not to fuss. If I try to brush my toddlers hair that becomes the moments she needs to potty train her and whisks her away. I ask my son how he’s feeling, she talks over him to tell me the answer. If I put away the breakfast things she snaps at me for being a ‘clean freak’. She needs to make her breakfast in the spot I’m making the lunches at the same time even though I have 5mins to get everyone (except her) out the door. The list goes on.

I can’t talk to her about it as she becomes so defensive and sulks, she has even packed her bags and left in the past when I’ve tried to discuss our problem.

How can I enjoy my mum’s visits?

What a sad situation. She wants desperately to be a part of your family’s life, but her approach to it is putting distance between you. I understand completely why you want to avoid a confrontation, but that doesn’t seem to be helping, does it? Your mom probably thinks she is only being helpful. She doesn’t seem to understand that it is your right to run your house and to care for your kids as you see fit.

The only thing I can think of is to involve a mediator, i.e., a third party who can keep things civil while you try to work things out. If you have a relative who is practical and good at problem-solving, you might ask that person to help you manage a discussion with mom. If you don’t have such a person in your life, do consider asking a family therapist to help you by facilitating such a talk.

If your mother won’t agree to that, all you can do is keep her visits short — preferably at her house. That way, you can gather up the kids and leave if she becomes insufferable. There is no point to fighting with her since she seems impervious to your objections. Simply calmly state that since she won’t respect your limits, you must leave — but that you can all try again some time soon. Drawing boundaries calmly and clearly is generally more effective than debating or arguing. If she sulks, she sulks.

You needn’t feel guilty for lovingly drawing some boundaries around her behavior when she is with you and your children. Chances are that once she sees that you will either leave or ask her to go when she crosses those boundaries, she’ll modify her behavior. She does seem to want to have a relationship. Apparently she doesn’t know what to do if she isn’t the boss.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Mother Is Ruining My Mental Health

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am age 15, and I am normally a very bright, happy student. With many friends and a fantastic father, my life is generally very nice. Only problem I have is my mother. She is a lazy, and very complaining woman who does not do anything to help contribute to the household.

I want to be an astounding student but she doesn’t care about my education. If she is not able to help me in my studies fine. But she does not even clean the house, she sleeps when I am at school and my father at work and continues doing so as I go home. My father finishes a very long and exhausting work from 6am to 8pm in New York and sometimes still has to cook dinner.

Not only does my mother not do work, she spends money excessively and asks my father to pay the bills. It is not easy to make money, and she doesn’t make any, so some of the bill’s my father is not happy to pay. OF course he still does but my mother does have a job too. She should pay for some own expenses. Now once my father suggests she pay some, she immediately goes on stupid, useless, insolent and empty threats like “I’m leaving now bye forever”, or “I’m going to kill myself”. These threats, she never does and they have occurred at least 20 times in the past couple of months.

I am trying so hard to cope with it and keep myself the way I always am but its eating away at me now. I feel my mental health deteriorating and I need to make her change. I have already gotten to the point where I can’t respect my mom and sometimes not love her. She is affecting me too much. When she threatens to leave it directly impacts my studies.

How will I go to school, or extracurriculars? I need to change her now. She threatens to call social workers on my innocent hardworking and perfect father claiming he is mistreating her which is entirely false. My dad has done everything for me and I love him. If she calls workers this will kill my reputation to. please help

Your mother isn’t ruining your mental health. Your over-involvement with your parents’ fight is. You may be correct in your observations but it is your father’s job, not yours, to intervene with your mother.

Has it ever occurred to you that your mother may be ill, not lazy? Your description of her reads like someone who may be either significantly depressed or bipolar. If so, she isn’t doing what she does to hurt you. It sounds to me like she is drowning and your dad and you won’t throw her a life-preserver. You just criticize her for drowning.

If I were to see your family, the first thing I would do would be to get your mom to a doctor to make sure all is well with her medically. If so, I would then insist that she get a psychological evaluation to determine if she needs treatment for mental illness. I hope you will pass these suggestions to your Dad.

Then get out of it! Love your mom. Show her some support. But get on with your own business (school and extracurriculars) and stop using your mom’s problems as an excuse. Study in the library if home is too distracting. Get involved in after-school activities that interest you or get a part time job that will help you develop some skills. You should be building your resume in order to get into a good college or to enter the workforce as more than a beginner.

I wish you all well.
Dr. Marie

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How Do We Handle Differences Between Kids and Step-Kids To Be?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am divorced after an abusive marriage–my kids endured a lot. Despite this, after years of hard work, I have two children who, thankfully, have come through all that with flying colors. I have a lot on my side, good finances, career, and family.  NOTHING in my life makes me happier to more deeply satisfied than seeing my  kids happy and whole and thriving. I thank God DAILY for it.

I have found a good man who I love, who is also divorced. We have decided not to marry until later. We live close by but not together. I love his kids too.

However, his kids–similar ages to mine–are not doing well in some ways, struggling academically and socially, and have quit many things, and are in fewer and fewer things as time goes on. Their mother (who I made a friend) struggles with various issues. I try to support them as best I can. If they are in a play, or sporting event, I go.

My kids persevere, and have had many successes (and failures too!).  My kids now do lots of things, while they do little.

It has created a disparity. And that is the issue. I don’t know how to handle it. My daughter recently got the lead role in her school musical, but she does not want her future-step-sister to know about her part, and downplays it–for fear of making her feel badly (future-step-sister has been passed over for parts in past). I keep quiet about my kid’s lives to my man and his kids, not wanting to draw any attention to the disparity. My son downplays his activities too, not wanting to make them feel bad. I am FINE with this. So are my kids–none of us are boastful people. Even saying this much about them is embarrassing to me. They do these things because they LOVE them–not to brag about it.  I do LOVE his kids, and don’t give ONE HOOT what they do or don’t “accomplish”. I am not sure any of it means all that much in the end.

But the downplaying is starting to feel like LYING.  I don’t invite my man to my kids events, not wanting to make him feel badly, because he DOES think this accomplishment stuff is important. It DOES affect him. I DO go to his kid’s few things. It feels like lying/leaving him out.

I don’t think you are lying. I do think your approach to the situation isn’t helpful. Your kids deserve to feel good about all they have managed to accomplish in spite of a tough start. You deserve to share in their pride. If your man is to become a permanent part of your life, he needs to be able to celebrate their achievements with you and them.

Downplaying your own kids’ strengths is only helping your man avoid dealing with the fact that his kids are troubled and in trouble. There is a reason that they are struggling with school and retreating from normal hobbies and interests. There is a reason that they aren’t setting themselves on a path to a successful adult life. It needs to be dealt with — now. It’s not about comparing them to your kids. It’s about getting them the help they need.

I suggest that you and your boyfriend seek out a family therapist. Just go by yourselves at first to explain the situation and perhaps to get some input on how best to handle it. Your future stepkids’ mental health depends on it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Fighting with Mom

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi, I am having a lot of issues with my mom. We have always had a rocky relationship, if we are ever nice to each other it is fake. She makes the fighting seem like it is all my fault, and that I do not respect her. She thinks I am just a “teenager” and does not listen to a word i say. She is the most overprotective person I have ever met in my life and I just cant do it anymore. She clearly does not trust me when I have never done anything for her not to, and she knows that. i have never been caught doing anything, nor do I do anything remotely bad in any sense. She thinks I am basically the devil, and has never ever been real with me. She has these fantasies about who I am, and I honestly think she has something wrong with her. She has this obsession with taking my phone 24/7 no matter what. Every night at 8:00 she takes my phone, and never misses that time by a minute. Lately, she even tried to say I get my phone for an hour after school, and then it gets taken until the next day. I am a teenager??? I honestly think she has a mental disorder because every night, she will just go crazy. I cannot describe it but its like she becomes a different person. take this Friday for instance, she calls me while I am out with my friends to call my friends mom and make sure that she is still bringing me home. Its like when she gets bored she just tries to instagate me. Most people would say this is just her making sure I am safe, but once I gave her the moms number– she thought i was giving her the wrong number and threatened to call the grocery store where the mom worked, just to tell the mom that my friend was rude in the car? Please help! How do i make her understand I’m just a teenager? (From the USA)

  I appreciate you writing in about this as I believe the struggle for independence is a common source of friction — particularly between mothers and daughters. Just like you have trouble understanding your mom’s behavior, she has trouble understanding yours. When things are going okay would be the time to ask her to sit down and talk. It sounds like there is a bit of a pattern where something happens — a fight, and then a lull, then another fight. I think that needs to change.

When things are okay — and no fights or conflicts are present — ask your mom to talk. Plan out what you would like to say ahead of time, and see if she is open to it. Three things seem important. The first is to find times when the relationship has been good and recall those times with your mom. Find a few memories to remind both of you that not everything is a fight. Secondly, you want to know what the two of you could do to improve the relationship. That you notice how much you fight and ask if there can be an opportunity for change. Finally, let your mom know that you would even be willing to go to a counselor (if you are) to work with her on making things better.

You want her to respect you more, and I think the way to do this is through a conversation you have when you are not fighting. If you need some help with this you may want to talk to your high school counselor as he or she might be able to give you some pointers about approaching your mom.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I’m Just a Pawn in Their Game…

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello. I’m a teenage girl living in Cali, USA. Ever since I remember, I’ve been struggling with mental illness. And it is very tiring to tell myself all these years that it will get better when it never has. I even see a therapist, but we’ve tried a lot of things and nothings worked even though I want it to work so badly.

It is probably because, no matter what, I can’t get away from my family until I’m an adult. Then I’m moving out of here. You see, I do like some members of our families, heck we even created some kind of support group for ourselves, but there’s others that are very toxic and I’m forced to hang out with since they live under the same roof. Heck, I even tried getting social services and a restraining order, but nothing has worked! But, I am one determined person and that’s the only thing keeping me sane.

When I was ten, some things happened (long story, can’t tell it in less than 400 words right now), that ended up as a scandal in my family. And what better to do with a scandal that left me with several PTSD than to use it to support your point? Want somebody to pay something? Bring up the scandal. And I can always hear them. Then, to make it worse, they then comment on me, saying that I’m a useless whore. Yeah, it was sexual assault, and I can’t do anything about it because “lack of evidence”…I even tried to get the police to intervene, but they did nothing as well!

And now it is almost Thanksgiving, and that’s by far my least favorite time of the year. Great, they’re just gonna argue again and bring up my story again and I’ll just gotta sit there and act pretty again.

So, I’ve a plan. Don’t know if it’ll work or not, since, well, there’s no telling if it’ll be successful. But I’m planning to write a book about my rather horrible childhood and publishing it somewhere. Even if one person believes the truth, then maybe I can finally find peace in myself.

As long as you are identified as being the only one with a problem, family members don’t need to face their own responsibility for whatever happened, and it’s unlikely things will change. However, since some family members are supportive, a toehold already exists for making change. From my point of view, then, this is a family therapy case, not a situation that will be improved with individual treatment.

If you haven’t already, please talk to your therapist about expanding your treatment to include the whole family. If the whole group won’t come, start with the people who are allies. If your therapist doesn’t feel qualified to change the mode of therapy, ask for a referral to someone who has experience and expertise in working with the whole family in the room.

Meanwhile, writing is an excellent way to manage your own feelings. I hope you are sharing your writings with your therapist. You will also feel more empowered if you are doing everything you can to get ready to live on your own. That means doing well in school so you have a chance at scholarships to college and/or developing some job skills so you can leave home and support yourself

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why Does Little Sister Act the Way She Does?

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I’m about 18, and I just entered college, and I’m feeling real good about myself, after battling low self-esteem issues throughout my school years. Everything is always going great, until I ask my sister for a favor. Keep in mind that she just turned 13, but she has such a bad attitude, especially towards me. For some unknown reason, she is extremely rude to me, and denies me many things, despite the fact that I have practically provided her help with homework, her school, I taught her many things, such as reading and math from the books, so she could advance. She’s never acted this way towards our older siblings at all, in fact she has treated them with much respect. But if I ask to share something because I’m starved, or if I really need water in dire situations, she flat out says no, or gives a sarcastic remark.

About a week ago, coming back from school, I had been in a rush, and forgot to eat breakfast, and pack something. I ask for some chips she has in her hands, and despite having a full package, she says she’s almost out, and she doesn’t want to share. Just an hour ago, I was finishing up my essay paper for my English class, and my battery was going to die, and the closest one was to her, but she was using a power surge which had many empty sockets. I plugged my charger into there, and she ordered me to take it out, and go elsewhere. No matter how much I try to stand my ground, or try to be strict with her, she always disrespects me. She claims that she isn’t mean, but I’ve had to have my mother, and sister reprimand her many, many times.

She also loves to sneak through my things, and get me in trouble for her laughs. She practically takes me for granted, and for some reason, even if I am told to stop providing her gifts, I can’t. She never even shares the treats that I buy her. I know that she is only 13, but this has been going on ever since she was about 6, and puberty is on the rocks, and I fear it will get worse. Why does she disrespect me, and reject me, when I treat her with nothing but kindness? What can I do now, despite the reprimanding we all have given her? I feel like it has to do with the fact that she hadn’t known of our existence for a year, since my siblings and I went to live with our relatives, and my mother could only take herself and our younger sister. (age 18, from US)

A: I’m sorry that your younger sister is so disrespectful to you and it’s obvious that you care about her and wish that things could be different. I cannot explain her behavior without meeting her and exploring the issues. But you may be correct in your assumption that it is all rooted in the past and the family separation, but it could also be that she treats you this way because she gets a reaction out of you. Have you ever tried to act indifferent to her obvious attempts to aggravate you? Bullies typically go after the ones who react to their instigations, among other things. I’m not blaming you for her behavior, I’m just suggesting that you separate yourself from it.

I feel like you have two choices. You can ask your mother if you can all go to family therapy to work out the differences in a safe environment with the help of a trained professional. In this case it will be important to not make it about your sister specifically, but helping the overall family work through the events of the past as well as improve current relationships with each other. If your sister feels cornered she may not cooperate.

Or, you can just continue being nice, taking the “higher road” and go on with your life. Her personality may change quite a bit over the next few years and there’s a chance that you two can become close, but if you push for this she is likely to resist. Reprimanding doesn’t work either as you have discovered. Focus on college, your friends, your future and let your sister figure out her own way without much input from you. Don’t let her get to you and hopefully things will improve with time and maturity.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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How Do I Get Out of This Family Drama?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: My husband of 13 years has been unfaithful for years and I let it slide until 2018 when I caught him taking pics with another man in drag.  He used the excuse he wanted to transform to a woman so I left. ( I say excuse bc after i officially left he changed his mind on changing)

My mom tells me to come home and before I decided I learned my father had a heart attack that almost killed him which set me into motion of coming home. I told her I was a failure and she gave me the support I needed and said i wasn’t which made me feel welcomed back.

Fast forward to today i feel like this woman hates me. My kids and I do stuff around the house for her, she even started to pay my youngest ones. But my sister never does anything. I’m not allowed to say anything about it bc it starts fights that I end up apologizing for when I feel it’s not me who needs to.

My dad knows she is lazy but told me to keep my mouth shut around mom bc he is tired of the drama. So I have. Now shes back to going through my oldest daughters things and if you say anything she denies it. My younger sister gets away with everything and I’ve let it go, but now they are attacking my 21 year old who can every much defend herself but it’s wrong.  We can’t do anything right.

I live in a camper on the property, my oldest didnt want to stay with me so my mom said she could sleep on the couch and gave her a closet, that she has to keep locked bc my mom and sister go through her stuff.

My dilemma is I left one toxic home for another and I feel this one is worse than being with my husband. With him I got to speak, here I’m 10 all over again with a 17 yr old sister that runs the place. My mom treats me like I’m a competition to beat. Shes a compulsive liar, attacks me with nasty words anytime she feels a little threatened or I speak up for myself.

I finally got a job that dont pay enough and i have the kids in a steady environment. Grades are better, not missing as much school. They have friends and activities. I dont know what to do. My husband wants me to come home. And I have thought about it bc of the stress I’m in here, but I know things wont change with him. And I need to get away from my mother. I’m guessing I’m answering my own question by saying I need to find a second job to get away from both. I’m tired and not getting relief.

What a difficult way to live. I understand why you are so frustrated. I do agree with you that it would be a mistake to go back to your husband. You deserve better. Believe it or not, I also agree with your father. Trying to change your mother is futile. Why put yourself through the frustration that comes with trying?

You are not going to change your mother. You are not going to change your sister. What you can change is how you deal with the situation until you can get out.

There is no point in defending yourself or arguing. Arguing with your mother just tells her there is something to argue about. When a rational person argues with a crazy person, the rational person ends up looking crazy, too. If your mother invites you to fights, decline the invitation. Say something neutral (like “I’m sorry you feel that way.”) and leave. If she blocks you when you try to leave, just stand there and hum, pray, meditate — whatever helps you not respond — until she gives up.

Your daughter has it right. Lock up what you don’t want your mother to see. Stay in your camper or visit friends or the library or go for a walk when you’re not at work. There’s really no reason to go over to her house. If you help out, she criticizes. If you don’t help, she criticizes. So why put in the effort to help?

Meanwhile, make a plan for how to get out of there. Can you get a better paying job? Would it be wise to get some schooling to retool? Can you do some volunteer work that will prepare you for better work? (At the least, it will keep you out of your mother’s crosshairs.) Is there live-in work in your area (like being a nanny or caregiver) that you can consider?

Do team up with your daughters on all this. They are old enough to be a team with you. They don’t need to argue with your mother either. It won’t change her. It only depletes them. Work together to figure out how you can make a better situation for yourselves.

I also suggest that you and your daughters find a family therapist to help you sort out how best to manage living on your parents’ property until you can get out. No, I don’t think you are “crazy”. I do think the situation is crazy-making. You deserve to have someone in your corner who can potentially come up with solutions you haven’t thought about already and who can provide you with some support.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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How Do I Help My Distressed Adult Daughter?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Australia: My daughter is in her early 30s. She is married and lives overseas.

We were a family of three children and two parents until when she was 9 years old. She is the middle child. Owing to domestic violence I had to take the children and move out and begin life anew. The four of us had a very challenging family life post separation, cos of deep seated attachment issues of my youngest son who was adopted. When he turned 16 he moved into a half way home. He is 25 and settled now, but refuses to acknowledge me.

I remarried. My daughter moved overseas prior to me to take up a job.  My husband’s children didn’t accept me. My husband refused my daughter’s request to walk her down the aisle. No reason was given. My daughter resettled in another country. She and her husband then invited us for a fully-funded holiday by her husband and her.

My daughter’s mother-in-law made my husband feel welcome, but would speak ill of him to my daughter and keep her anger unto him burning. She would also belittle my daughter with her side of the family. I directly questioned the mother-in-law about this behaviour one night. She took offense and threatened suicide.

Next day we were visiting a landmark. My daughter’s husband seemed seething with quite anger as he drove us all. When we reached the landmark he barged at me asking me why I spoke to his mum the way I did. My daughter also sided with her husband. My husband came in between. My daughter asked him to keep off . Involuntarily he slapped her. My brother had also joined us from overseas. I asked him to take charge of my daughter and family, and I sat with my husband. Before we all left London my husband apologised to my daughter and her husband.

This happened about four years ago. My daughter is in deep anguish and questions me why I chose to remain with my husband despite  him hitting her and all the challenges I have faced from his children. She is very angry in her communication with me and I find it very traumatising. She lives with her mother-in-law and husband. She has personally sought therapy and has had two sessions.

Request for help:
How can I help my daughter so that we don’t argue, despite trying to set boundaries it never seems to work. We talk sanely for 1 minute and then it is an argument for 20-30 minutes every few days. The past is dragged in. She says the apology is of no use, she is broken. I have a feeling that the therapy is cathartic and aggravating the situation.

She needs my support since her husband has embraced a new religion over the past five years, and excludes his mother and wife from his religious pursuits. He also pressures them to remove all symbols of their religion from the house. Her mother-in-law feels very distressed and even encourages my daughter to think about leading life without her son.

I am not sure whether I should visit her, but she needs my help. I am worried about triggering arguments and ill-feeling.

Thank you

What a complicated situation. You are in the middle of a family where people escalate arguments very easily and hold grudges.

I can offer you a few suggestions:

Remember that it takes 2 to have an argument. There is no point in staying on the phone for a 30 minutes argument. When speaking with your daughter, emphasize the positive. If she picks a fight, simply say that you aren’t interested in fighting and that you love her very much. Then say a friendly goodbye while letting her know you will be happy to talk to her again.

Don’t get caught up in drama: Stay out of your daughter’s relationship with her mother-in-law. Gently tell your daughter that your relationship with your husband’s children is not something you can discuss with her. Stay out of your daughter’s problems with her husband except to validate her concerns about her marriage and to applaud her choice to get into therapy.

Your present husband has a role in the problems. He rejected your daughter’s attempt to acknowledge him when he refused to take part in her wedding. He lost his temper and hit her. His apology is a good start but only a start. I think you and your husband need more help than I can offer in a short response. A therapist will provide you and your husband with on-going support and practical help as you navigate so many complicated relationships. You’ve tried your best to manage all this on your own without success. You both deserve the ongoing support a therapist can provide.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Girlfriend’s Teen-Aged Daughter Is Disrespectful

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for the last eight months. We get along great, have similar values, goals, philosophies on life and many other things in common that are very difficult to find in a mate.

I have a soon to be eight-year-old son and she has a daughter that just turned 17.

My son and my girlfriend have a great relationship. His mother is still very much involved in his life as we split custody of him 50/50. My son and I are also very close. I’m very much enjoying him while he’s young and still looks up to me and thinks I’m “cool.”

However, my girlfriend’s daughter is an entirely different story. We get along fine, but don’t communicate much outside of greeting each other and the occasional small-talk. Her dad died about 9 years ago and my girlfriend has raised her as a single mother. In spite of having a child at a young age, my girlfriend was able to complete her degree and provide a very comfortable home for her and her daughter. As a child who grew up in a single parent home myself, I am amazed at what my girlfriend has been able to accomplish. Her daughter has it better than many kids I know that have both parents at home. She has everything any kid could ever need or want.

Their relationship is very strained and has been for years. Her daughter seems to harbor a lot of anger and doesn’t respect her mother like she should. She isn’t expected to do much around the house, doesn’t have a job, refuses to get a permit or a driver’s license and lists her boyfriend as one of her three top priorities in life. She gets great grades, but has never worked for anything outside of schoolwork.

She’s leaving for college later this year and I’m concerned about a couple of things.

1.) To me and others; she doesn’t respect her mother like she should and frequently crosses the line when they disagree and argue.

2.) I’m not her father and don’t know what, if anything, I can or should say when I’m present during the arguments they have.

3.) I’m very uncomfortable with the thought of my son being around her because I never know when they’re going to get into one of their frequent blowout arguments.

4.) I love my girlfriend and see a future for us, but I would take serious issue with her daughters behavior and would not be able to accept things as they are in the event that we marry one day.

How can I be of help when I’m not sure what the boundaries are? My girlfriend has told me multiple times that it’s okay for me to involve myself, but her daughters behavior is so outrageous to me, that I’m afraid that I might cross the line if I attempt to communicate with her while I’m upset.

Your girlfriend is fortunate indeed to have found someone as sensitive as yourself who truly appreciates all she has managed to accomplish. You are correct not to try to parent her daughter at this point. There is too much that is unsettled between the mother and daughter.

I’m very concerned that your girlfriend allows herself to get into fights with her daughter. My guess is that it was just the two of them for so long that they developed more of a buddy relationship than a mother-daughter one. It’s very common and not something your girlfriend needs to be ashamed of. But if she wants to normalize the relationship in such a way that there is room for you to co-parent, she will need to take the lead to stop the fighting. She also needs to be mindful of the impact her fights with her daughter are having on your young son.

I strongly urge the two of you to find a family therapist who specializes in teen issues. Putting a halt to one kind of relationship and starting a different one is hard work. The two of you need a third party to hear some concrete examples of what causes the fighting and disrespect and to offer some suggestions to your girlfriend about how to make changes. Your girlfriend needs to learn how to be less reactive to her daughter’s provocations. You should go to appointments too because you need some pointers on how to support your girlfriend so she can do what needs to be done.

By the way: Nowhere is it written that parents need to fund higher education for someone who is disrespectful and unappreciative and who doesn’t pull her weight in the household. A college education is a gift and a privilege, not a right. As tempting as it may seem to get her out of the house and off to school, maybe you and your girlfriend should consider whether she is mature enough to be in college. It may do her good to work for a year and to gain a better appreciation for how hard her mom has had to work to provide so much for her.

If it would be too difficult to have her living at home, consider a “gap year” experience like City Year. That would give her some good experience in the real world and would add to her resume. Take a look at http://usagapyearfairs.org

I’m not for a moment suggesting holding off on college as “revenge” or a punishment. Telling her to wait shouldn’t be grounded in anger but instead be a wise parenting decision. She has some growing up to do before she is ready to take full advantage of the tremendous gift of an education.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Having Trouble Dealing with My Boyfriend’s Daughter

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

 

From a woman in the U.S.: My boyfriend has a 13 yr who is very clingy to him. She’s had instances where she would call her mother while she is at our house and cry when she doesn’t get her way. This of course would spark and argument with between her and my boyfriend. Of course when we first started dating she felt like he was spending too much time with me and my kids. So I felt the need to step back and let him handle that supposedly gain control of the situation. It seems to be there is an issue that arises every couple months where she gets upset with him about something that involves me and my kids. I can”t stand when she comes around and I can tell he knows how I feel. I’m on the verge of calling it quits. I don’t know what else to do.

What you are reporting isn’t unusual. Dating someone with children from a prior relationship is almost always very difficult, especially if they are teens. The daughter is not going to go away. She undoubtedly senses that you don’t want her around. This probably escalates her insecurities and sets off the behaviors you find so difficult.

If you don’t find a way to be comfortable with her, your relationship with her dad won’t survive. Why? Because your boyfriend can’t be put in the position of feeling like he has to choose between his child and you. The loyalty to the child usually wins. In fact, it should.

The girl is just entering her teens. This is a life stage when life becomes complicated. Remember being a teen? It’s normal for a teen to both want to be close to her parents and to want to distance from them. For young teens who are dealing with emerging sexuality, it’s not at all unusual for them to cling to the parent of the other sex for awhile. It’s a way to “try on” being in a relationship that is (hopefully) sexually safe. If that’s part of what is happening, the girl may see you as “competition” for closeness with her dad.

In addition, If she had hopes that her dad and mom would get together again (and most kids wish for that, even when the parents were always fighting or worse), your presence signals that it isn’t going to happen. Furthermore, many kids get clingy when they are worried that their parent will “divorce” them too.

To answer your question: What you do is learn more about how to manage the challenges of blending a family, especially when one of the people is a teenage girl. The girl is not the problem. Your information gap is. My guess is that lacking information causes your anxiety. The anxiety makes it difficult for you to be compassionate and probably makes you want her to go away.

I strongly suggest that you and your boyfriend go for a few sessions with a licensed family therapist (LMFT) to learn more about your situation and to learn ways to handle the girl with sensitivity and understanding. You do need to go together. Blending a family is a problem for both adults — even if one doesn’t feel he/she has a problem. Hopefully, you and her dad can learn ways to be supportive of all the children (yours as well as his) so that together you can build a solid blended family.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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