Tag:

Father Daughter Relationship

My Dad Is Manipulating Me for Father’s Day

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 14, 2023

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

About 5 years ago, I made a deal with my dad that I would try out 10 episodes of his favorite TV show because he really wanted me to try it. Then he said if I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t have to watch it anymore. I didn’t like it — sci-fi isn’t my genre. Anyway, my dad has asked a few times every year since then if I’ll try the show again, and I always say no and remind him I don’t like it. He says I didn’t give it a fair shot, and basically says anyone would like it. It involves some gory things like worms coming out of someone’s stomach, and I hate watching any violence or gory things. He tries to argue with me about why I’ll like it, but I’ve always hated sci-fi. I’ve offered to watch a show that we both like together. My dad has said multiple times “there’s no way you’re my daughter” or “you can’t be my daughter” since I hate sci-fi. I’m adamant against watching this show because I think he’s not respecting my answer and always wanted his kids to be interested in what he is interested in. He has tried to manipulate me by saying he would do what his father asked, and that if I’m so inflexible on this I’m bound to have problems in future relationships. He has said he doesn’t ask much of me. My dad has guilt-tripped me my whole life and has always been controlling. Maybe my resistance is partially coming from a huge history. Recently he asked again and I said no– I have a big problem being assertive, and I’m practicing sticking up for myself. I very rarely stick up for myself with my dad because he’s so overbearing.

Anyway, he got very angry and now he has said to me that on Father’s Day he wants nothing but for me to watch the show. If I don’t, he will not accept any gifts from me. He says it’s my choice what to do — “you can refuse if you can live with your conscience.” This puts me in a very tough position. I tried to explain my point of view, but he refuses to listen. He says one episode is not a big deal, and that he did things for his father all the time that he didn’t want to do. He asked if I would leave my mother to starve if he was dead and she lost her memory, which is such an unfair comparison. I really don’t know what to do. Do you think I should just give in? If I do, this all goes away and peace will be restored (artificially). But it will be telling him that it’s okay to treat me this way. If I don’t, I can imagine him holding a grudge forever and he gets to look like the victim since it’s Father’s Day. I’m still living with him too, so it may make things that much more difficult. He’s an incredible arguer, and can make me question very easily whether I’m brave and independent or ungrateful and selfish.

It is time to liberate yourself from your father. His imposition has set up an unfortunate dynamic. He is essentially saying he won’t love you if you don’t watch a science fiction TV show. This isn’t a loving gesture — and demonstrates a highly controlling and manipulative stance that does not have your best interest, growth, or respect at heart.

Offer to do something else with him that you would both enjoy — negotiate something if you can. But if he insists you watch the show I would make other plans for Father’s Day. Leave him a card and or present if you desire but capitulating to his request after fully explaining yourself several times would be the wrong thing to do. He has created this consequence, not you. If you watch the TV show (again) the problem, of course, is that this won’t be the last thing. He’ll keep pushing his agenda, and you’ll lose who you are in the process.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

July 14, 2023 0 comments

My Father Lies

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 23, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

i’ve had enough, i am at my limit. my dad doesn’t give 2 shits about me and now i fear that he doesnt’t care about me, i feel like i’m not a good daughter and i’m scared that he doesn’t love me anymore.

he always lies, makes excuses and breaks meaningful promises. i guess those meaningful promises were meaningless to him.

on some days, he’d act like he loves me. in public, he would tend to be nice to me.

some days we’d plan meaningful activities. on the day of the activity, he would say “ehh i don’t feel like going anymore”; on days i’d ask him small things while he would be sitting on the couch watching tv for hours. he’d say “leave me alone, i am busy”; every time this happens. he doesn’t even pause the movie to even listen to me…

3 days ago i cooked my first meal and it was beautiful. i wanted to show it to him since i was proud but he shut me off almost instantly. “stop bothering me i don’t care”;
he would also make excuses to not spend time with me “i don’t feel like it. go ask your mother to bring you” he would never fulfill promises “ehhh tomorrow”; *never does it*, or not even help me “go look it up. stop being a baby”;

it’s been going for years for as long as i can remember. i am in pain by the thought of him not loving me.
any time i would insist or plead or call him out for his behavior, he’d say “;stop harassing me”;
“;you’re abusive”;
“;stop abusing me”;
“;shut the fuck up and go away”;
“;you animal”;
“;you dog”;
all while raising his voice.
it’s sad because i barely ask for anything. when i do, i am abandoned.

when i need medical help, he would say “;i’ll call the doctor tomorrow. not today”; he never called the doctor.

im helpless, i am crying at the moment typing this and i wish i could have a loving father like all of my friends do. i wish for it so badly…
i just want to be hugged instead of being dismissed or brutally rejected by him…

please help, what do i do

I’m very sorry that you are faced with this situation. Unfortunately, your father doesn’t seem to be the loving person you desire him to be. I understand your pain. It’s not fair.

A quote that might be applicable to your situation is “we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand” by Randy Pausch. You were not dealt a fair hand in life and are now left to manage the hand that you were dealt.

What this means is that you are now tasked with coming to terms with the fact that your father is not a loving, caring person. It may help you to know that many people are facing similar circumstances. They, too, were not raised by parents who were good role models, who treated them fairly, or who did the right things. For some people, this is one of those unfortunate and unpleasant aspects of life.

It is important to know that how your father behaves has nothing to do with you. How he behaves has to do with his character and nothing to do with yours. Children are especially prone to believing that how their parents treat them is a reflection of themselves. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is a lesson that one learns as they grow and mature. The way your father behaves might be explained by how his parents treated him. They may not have been loving or kind or generous or compassionate, and, as a result, he may not demonstrate any of these characteristics towards his own children. That presents a challenge for you, as the recipient of his unloving and abusive behavior. The fact that his parents may have treated him poorly might explain why he treats you poorly but it does not make it better. It might simply be the explanation.

You may not have a loving father but what about your mother or other family members? Are there people in your life who are loving, who can compensate for an unloving father? If so, perhaps they can “fill in the blanks” for your father. The more loving and supportive people you have in your life, the less you will be affected by your father’s treatment. Once you can accept the fact that your father is who he is, and that his treatment of you has nothing to do with you, the sooner you can move forward in life.

That your father is ignoring your need for medical treatment is very concerning. This may be considered medical neglect. Neglect is illegal and parents can be arrested for neglecting their children. If you need medical assistance and your father won’t help you, make your mother aware and perhaps consider reporting him to child welfare. You can Google the phone number for child welfare reporting in your state by entering “your state and child welfare reporting” into a search engine. You can call and speak to someone about what you’re experiencing. They will advise you about how to respond, should it be necessary.

I would recommend consulting a therapist, in person. If in person services are not available, online or telephone services may be an option. The sooner you can meet with a professional who can teach you to emotionally handle your father, the better you will feel. I hope this answer helps you know how to proceed. If you take nothing else from this answer, please let it be that your father’s behavior is not a reflection of you; it is a reflection of him and his failure to show goodness, compassion and love to his daughter. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

October 23, 2021 0 comments

Communication Issues with Asperger Father

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. September 21, 2021

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My father has Asperger Syndrome which never used to bug me because I never knew, but the older I become, the harder it is to communicate with him. He is so difficult to talk to and asks all of these questions in an accusatory manor but never listens to the answers I give to him. I try so hard to not get mad at every single thing that he says to me but it is so hard and sometimes without even realizing it I find myself snapping at him out of no where. I seem to be the only one with an attitude problem directly towards him. I think that me acting this way towards my father mainly has to do with the fact that my mother and father have serious marital problems, and me and my mother constantly talk about them and as time went on I started to get irritated by him because I’m on her side. But at the same time he is so difficult to communicate with and he NEVER thinks he does anything wrong. I’m already struggling communicating my current emotional status with my mom about their problems and I feel like I have so much going on in my mind, I wish I didn’t treat my father the way I did. I want to be able to hide my feelings of anger and be able to communicate with him without snapping. Sometimes we have our good days but then he ruins it by being rude, judgmental, accusatory, or throws some behind-the-back insult at me or my mom. I just really need help with my communication skills. Especially when the day comes that my parents split which is the time period when I will need my communication to be much much better. Please help. (age 18, from US)

From what you are describing here, it seems to me that your change in attitude and communication with your father are stemming from the fact that your mother confided in you about her marital issues as a friend, not a daughter. If your father truly has Asperger’s Syndrome then he has always had it, it is not something new. It could also be that his way of communicating has become more irritating to you as you have become an older teenager, in that there may be more things to disagree about, such as curfews, boyfriends, etc.

However, your mother should not have put you in the middle of their marriage. It is not fair to you. I suggest that you put a boundary in place yourself and let her know that she needs to talk to her friends or a therapist about her problems and that you want to stay out of it. In the meantime, I hope that you will try to find a way to reconnect to your father. Start by spending time together doing something you both like so that the time will be focused on an activity rather than relying on conversation. It may also help if you gently let him know if he hurts your feelings or upsets you and suggest an alternative way of asking you what he wants to know. Considering that he will always be your father, regardless of the status of their marriage, it might also be a good idea to have some family therapy sessions together to help improve your relationship with him.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

September 21, 2021 0 comments