Fidelity Archives

From the U.S: Hi. I have been in a relationship for 4.5 years now with a great guy. He is the guy I want to marry. The thing is that I am not ready for marriage yet and I find myself wanting to live the single life, to experience life before I settle down. My current bf is my first serious relationship and I have nothing to compare it to. I also feel like I am missing out on some life experience because I have spent my 20s with him (we started dating when I was 21).

Recently, a crush from a few years ago has admitted feelings for me and it made me happy. It made me wonder “what if.” I do love my boyfriend but I am also longing to try things out with my crush. I don’t think it would be a long-term relationship but it would be a great time short-term.

I wouldn’t normally come to a therapist with something like this but I have been driving myself crazy with my thoughts. If I had the chance to write my ideal story it would be to have had my fun before meeting my boyfriend and to meet him when I was closer to be ready for marriage (since he has been talking about moving in and marriage and the future).

But I can’t turn back time and change the things that have already happened. I am just afraid that these feelings of wanting to be free and to explore will keep resurfacing…. which will make me crazy. I can’t keep going in circles like this. How should I begin figuring this problem out?

I think you’ve already figured out that it’s only fair to everyone to make a choice, but you don’t like having to do it. Indecision keeps both possibilities alive for you.

One of my teachers used to say that two relationships are fewer than one. You are not committed to your boyfriend because you are allowing feelings for the other guy. You aren’t committed to the other guy because you have declared yourself to be in a long term relationship.

It would be terribly unfair to your boyfriend for you to marry him under these conditions. You are correct. Unless you settle your feelings, the “what if guy” will keep surfacing in your mind, especially when you inevitably run into the rough spots that every couple runs into over the course of a marriage. Sadly, this almost always guarantees divorce. Instead of working hard on the marriage, a person who goes into a marriage second-guessing often tells herself she made the wrong choice in the first place and leaves.

If you remain ambivalent, perhaps you should see a therapist to come to an understanding of what exactly you mean by “not being ready for marriage.” There may be more to this than you think.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We had a good start but then my boyfriend started complaining that I wasn’t giving him his emotional needs. I first didn’t realize what he needed and he kept complaining and fighting for the past 2 years and I only understood and matured lately. I’ve been trying to give him what he needs for the past 2 months but he won’t open up. A few days ago, he admitted to me that he was emotionally cheating on me and that he just figured it out and he kept apologizing and crying, begging for my forgiveness and telling me he’d give me whatever I needed but that he didn’t want us to break up because he couldn’t bare losing me. He admitted he was totally wrong and that he had no excuses but the reason it happened was that he wasn’t getting what he needed from me and he swore he never went looking for his needs elsewhere and he kept pushing the girl away but he got weak after a while. My boyfriend has never been unfaithful and I know he loves me insanely, he’s just over friendly with girls and I honestly find it really difficult to deal with, because I’m very insecure, because I find his behavior exceeding “limits”, and especially that he wouldn’t accept me to behave this way around guys.

He said he needed some time apart in order to open up again and I gave him the space but he didn’t take it and kept calling as usual. Since he’s admitted infidelity, he’s been supportive and trying to cheer me up and he has stopped blaming me for my mistakes and is ‘trying’ to be more affectionate. I know he isn’t doing much because he can’t open up and is still upset.

I need help figuring out what to do about the relationship. I used to be very insecure about myself and about his fidelity but now I can’t trust him at ALL. I know I was wrong in not giving him what he needs and I feel extremely guilty, but I also feel like I can’t trust him or forgive him anymore and I don’t know whether I should break it off or not. Please help me make my choice because I’ve had enough of this emotional roller coaster, of insecurities and of feeling so lonely and disconnected because we don’t fulfill each other’s needs anymore. We both are extremely attached to each other and we want to fix it but we don’t know how. Is he worth trusting again? Is this relationship worth it?

Of course only you can make your choice, but I can tell you what I hear in your letter. It is interesting to note your description of this relationship. Both of you are trying to respond to each other, but it isn’t working.

You have been with him for two years (since you were 17) and it may be time for a break. You may simply have been helping each other through a tumultuous time in your life. At this point trusting him is difficult, and his efforts at trying to be affectionate haven’t worked.

Being attached doesn’t mean being in love.

This may simply be a habit. His instinct was to turn to someone else rather than put the effort in with you to make it work. Perhaps that tells the tale. Take a break you can both stick with and see if your feelings change. That will give you time to decide if you want to work on the relationship. If you do decide to make a go of it you may want to try some brief couples therapy. Your college is likely to have some good people on the counseling staff that can help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

Fidelity

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My boyfriend emotionally cheated on me