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First Job

My Mom Is Horrid

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 27th, 2023

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So, over the last eight months, my mom has been doing really bad stuff. I’ll start from the beginning. So, my mom has been sleeping around with a bunch of guys. I’m surprised she doesn’t have an STD. But anyway. She is either never home doing “school stuff,” or she is home but being mad at me. My dad is in Afghanistan serving our country right now. My mom wants to divorce him and she claims she will never get married again. The thing is, she makes me keep every little secret. You see, I’m not allowed to tell anyone, not even my grandma or my cousin. My dad calls on a daily basis and she ignores his calls all the time. But it really saddens me, because my dad is the only dad I have known. My biological father abandoned me as a baby and then my “dad” came along and that missing peice was filled. If my mom gets a divorce, I may never see him again, because he hasn’t adopted me. Back in October, I got my very first job, but it was for a haunted house so it only lasted a month. Then, my mom’s friend, we’ll call her Bob, moved into my house from just being out of jail. My mom did it out of the kindness of her heart, but my dad can’t keep supporting Bob. My dad is the only one that works. Ever since she’s gotten here, my life has turned upside down, and I’m going to fall. Bob’s kids live here and they are so loud annoying and I can’t ever do my homework. Before they moved in, I had straight a’s and now I have an “f.” But her kids are so disrespectful. They don’t care about anyone or anything. My mom spent $5k all together on everyone in my house for Christmas. Last night, it was 5:30 and dinner was almost done. My mom was gone and Bob was still there. Two of the kids asked for a snack and she said yes. I went up and told MY sibling he couldn’t have one because dinner was almost done. She started yelling at me and calling me all these names, just because i would let MY sibling have a snack. My mom is now in Vegas for the weekend. She left me with Bob aka the Wicked Witch of the West. She has been treating me like crap all day and I haven’t done anything to her. But last night, my mom, me, and Bob all sat at the table together and she let Bob completely blow up on me. Her son is really rude, too. More rude than I am, and she told me all this stuff. But if I raised my voice the slightest bit, I would get yelled at. I know life isn’t fair, but it’snot dair dor my life to do all of this to my dad and me. Before Bob moved in, I was always being bragged about and now I’m just the “little b***h.” Please help me. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Thank you for writing to us and telling us a bit about what is going on in your life. What I’d like to say is that you need to pull in the resources that you know are good. Obviously your dad would be a very good person to talk to about your needs. It sounds like he has been a good guy in the past and my guess is that he’ll be able to help you out in the future. Talk to him honestly about the stress you are feeling and get his feedback and help. Second, I would definitely talk to your high school guidance counselor. He or she may be able to help in ways that will generate more support for you as you cope with your mom’s antics.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

October 27, 2023 0 comment

Suicidal and Need Help

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 17th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m not sure what to do. I’m severely suicidal and have attempted to kill myself 7 months ago and can’t stop thinking about doing it again. I did see a therapist before but didn’t find she helped me at all. She told me my problems weren’t that bad and when I told her I wanted to kill myself and that no one would care she said, why don’t you try it and find out. She also said she didn’t want to see me anymore until I had a job, so that’s why I stopped going to her. I’ve been unemployed for over 3 years now and the job I did have was the first job I ever had, and they fired because of my depression. I’ve been trying the last few months to get another job and I did have an interview and almost had the job, but they hired someone else. I am finding it very hard to deal with being suicidal, unemployed, depressed and I also have social anxiety. Another thing is when I was between the ages of about 3 or 4 until I was 12, a relative who was 2 years older than me used to do sexual things to me and I’ve always had a hard time dealing with that. I’ve never really talked about it before, it did come up once in therapy but my therapist said that it was normal for kids to do that. I won’t go into details of what he did, but I know it was not normal behaviour. I want to start therapy again with a different therapist, but it scares me because I feel and always felt like my problems aren’t bad enough to warrant going to therapy. I just don’t know what to do besides trying to kill myself again.

It is completely unacceptable and unethical to tell a client who is considering suicide to “try it and find out.” I do not know of an instance of that ever happening with any therapist that I personally know or know of.

It is wise to consider seeing a new therapist. The fact that you have suicidal thoughts is concerning and a sign that help is needed. Suicide is never the answer. There are many competent therapists who could help you.

Depression, in the past, was more difficult to treat. Today it is treated with great success. You are going through a difficult period in your life. It is quite common for each of us to have these difficult, troublesome periods. While we are having these painful times in our lives, it is common to assume that they will never end. Please remember that they do end. I have written here before about survivors of suicide attempts. The overwhelming, vast majority are very happy that their attempt failed. They realized the value of life and found the happiness that had been denied them.

I often advise those searching for psychological help to call at least four or five therapists. You want to essentially interview therapists over the phone to find out how they would help you. Discuss your problems and ask specific questions about how they would help. Make an appointment with those with whom you feel the most comfortable. It might take some time to find a good therapist but it is worth your effort. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

December 17, 2022 0 comment

Losing Hope

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 5th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve suffered from major depression and chronic insomnia my entire life. What kept me going was the milestones and going through the motions. Even when it was at its worst I would make myself believe that it would get better after high school, that it would get better after college, that it would get better after I got my first job, etc. I’m running out of milestones and it’s been getting worse. I had to quit my job because I was constantly falling into major crying spells while at work. I can’t seem to do anything to distract myself anymore and have become entirely unmotivated and feel like I’ve pretty much given up.

I’ve seen countless therapists and am currently in psychotherapy twice a week in addition to being medicated. What makes it worse is that I have a great family, parents who I know love me and would do anything for me. I feel so guilty that I can’t get better. I know how much they worry about me and I see how painful it is for them that I can’t shake this, and that there’s nothing they can do to make it better. I’ve alienated all of my friends (never had many) but it was my decision. The one friend I did sincerely care about has grown distant from me and who can blame him? I wouldn’t want to be around me either. Whenever I’m around people all I think about is how much I want to be alone so I could just cry in peace. I can’t even listen to people talk to me because I feel so awful all the time.

I often fantasize about dying or how I would kill myself. I used to think I would never kill myself because I couldn’t put my mother through that, it would destroy her. But lately it really seems like this is how it’s going to be forever and I have no reason to think differently. No matter how hard I’ve tried and gone through the motions and worked hard and pretended things were alright nothing has ever felt any better.

I’m in a lot of pain and at this point hearing people tell me “you can take control of your life, this is in your hands” infuriates me because it’s not in my hands. I would do anything for one day of happiness, to have this pain stop. Over the past few months it’s become increasingly difficult for me to talk to people. I find it hard to raise my voice loud enough so someone wouldn’t have to really concentrate on hearing me.

Really I don’t know what options I have left. I’ve tried a slew of antidepressants, I’ve tried various kinds of therapy, none of which have yielded any results.

I don’t want to give up but things just aren’t getting better. My depression started when I was in 3rd grade (I became very withdrawn and disinterested in academics, a social life, hobbies, and anything else). And it’s been about 16 painful years of my life.

I’m angry that this happened to me. I’m a good person and I don’t deserve this. I know life isn’t always fair, but for me it seems that it never is. I’m angry I can’t sleep at night like other people can. I’m just angry, and sad, and depressed, and losing hope. If you have any advice for me, anything at all, please…

I understand that you are ready to give up on life but please reconsider. I have witnessed many people who have wanted to end their lives but who were able to recover from their chronic depression. There is hope for you too.

I would strongly encourage you to read the New York Times article about individuals who attempted suicide and survived. The individuals featured in the article, like you, were at the point of no hope. They too believed that they could not continue living when they felt so much grief. They never thought that their lives would improve which lead them to attempt suicide. What is so remarkable about their stories is that they were thankful that they lived. Logically, you’d think that they’d be upset that they survived since their intention was to die. That was not the case. In addition, because they survived, many of them felt obligated to try to stop others from considering suicide.

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust, shared a similar view of suicide. Like the individuals featured in the New York Times article, Dr. Frankl’s patients repeatedly told him how happy they were that they did not successfully end their lives. This seems to be a pattern.

Dr. Frankl also noticed that depressed people held the opinion that their lives were not going to improve. In fact, they were certain of it. This view did not square with logic. His work with suicide survivors showed that very often it turned out that there was a solution to the patient’s problem. There was not always an immediate solution but eventually their problems were solved. Their lives did improve. “Who can guarantee that in your case it will not happen one day, sooner or later?,” he’d often ask his patients. I hope you will consider this very question because it is a good one. Yes, things are not going well for you at this time but how can you be certain that in the future your life will not improve? The answer is you cannot know. “You have to survive in order to see that day dawn.”

You are assuming the worst outcome but you should also consider the fact that you may not be thinking clearly. Your judgment may be clouded by your depression. In fact, you share the same opinion that many of Dr. Frankl’s patients did. They were certain that their life would always be terrible but that was not true. Their judgment was incorrect. They were wrong. Why were they wrong? They were wrong because they were suffering from depression. They were close to losing their lives due to an error in judgment. Luckily, they averted tragedy.

Dr. Frankl also noticed, that among the individuals who suffered from depression, they lacked meaning and purpose in their lives. In other words, they had nothing to live for. Frederick Nietzsche, a 19th century German philosopher, may have also had a similar view when he said “he who has a why to live for can bear with any how.”

Three ways Dr. Frankl believes that an individual can create meaning and purpose in their life include: (1) helping others, (2) finding love (being loved or loving someone else) and (3) turning personal tragedy into triumph. The latter may be the most plausible in your situation because you’ve been suffering for many years. Maybe your suffering can be turned into something positive.

The aforementioned ways to improve your life should be attempted under the supervision of a mental health professional. I understand that you’ve been to many therapists and have also tried many different medications but I don’t think you should give up. Don’t stop trying until this problem is solved. Remission is possible but it’s going to require that you continue the effort to receive help. I know it is a difficult thing but this is your life and no one else can do it for you. There is a solution to your depression but it has yet to be uncovered.

Please consider returning to a therapist. The right therapist can make all the difference. I am not suggesting that therapy is the one and only way to recover from depression but if you were able to find a competent and seasoned therapist it could change your life dramatically. I hope you realize that there is hope for you.

If you are considering suicide then I strongly advise you to go to an emergency room immediately or to call 911. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. If you need help, please dial: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Call that number if you are feeling upset or overwhelmed.

Thank you for your question. Please write back if you have any further questions. I wish you the best of luck.

August 5, 2022 0 comment

Identity Loss From Past Family Dysfunction

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 12th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My family became dysfunctional when I was 13. It took 5 years of my life away from me. Coping during those times was difficult, especially with school. I never told anyone how I was treated at home or what went on, because I was embarrassed. This made me feel lonely. I also had no positive relationship with my family, which only added to my feelings of isolation. The dysfunction altered my personality in noticeable ways. I became introverted, depressed, stressed, angry and irritable. I lacked self-esteem and feared people. I was very fearful of judgment and rejection. Through my adolescence, I used art and writing to survive. My peers eventually labeled me an artist. I worked extraordinarily hard to solidify my skills. I even wanted to pursue a career in the arts or publish a book. Today, I am 19 years old and my family has made changes for the better. But we still don’t recognize or discuss what happened in the past, as if to keep it a secret. Things aren’t perfect, but I do have a relationship with my family now. The dysfunction finally stopped sometime after my high school graduation and when I was hired for my first job. But we do fall back into our old patterns from time to time, without really noticing. My current problem now is not my family, but myself. I have been maturing and growing as a person, which is giving me lots of stress. I have lost a lot of my enthusiasm for art and writing. This is really hurtful, because I feel that I am losing something that I put so much effort and love into. Now, I’m not sure what I want to do for a living. I don’t even know myself anymore. Perhaps the artist persona was only protection from my family. I was hoping that you could help me with this identity crisis. I really want to start college, but haven’t yet because of this issue. My mom is very involved with the church now, which makes me stress over my purpose even more. I worry about being a good person, the meaning of life and spirituality, because I’ve never been that religious. I desperately want to know if I’m doing things right. Another issue I have is my mental health. I still struggle with lingering emotions from the past. I can be stressed, irritated, or depressed from time to time. I really want to get better, because I am tired of hurting. I can hardly focus at my job or communicate with others. Thanks for reading my great big long story. I hope you choose to respond. Your advice will be treasured!

Throughout your letter you reference a significant life-changing family incident that occurred five years ago. It was apparently traumatic because it impacted your life in a negative way. However, you have omitted that key piece of information from your letter. Without that information, it is difficult for me to provide you with specific advice.

With regard to art and writing, it is possible that you did utilize them as a way to cope with strong emotions. Art and writing, as a creative outlet, may have served as a form of psychological protection. That creative outlet may have prevented the development of serious psychological problems.

Art and writing served a psychologically healthy purpose during your tumultuous teenage years but those particular outlets may no longer be necessary as an adult. In other words, the needs that you had during your teenage years are different than the needs you have in your current phase of life. You may like art and writing and still want to engage in those activities but you may no longer feel the “need” to do it. Try not see that change as something negative. It might be evidence of psychological growth and development.

As one grows and develops, change is evitable. Change may be frightening and disorienting but it is a necessary aspect of psychological growth.

In addition, it’s not uncommon for individuals to write poetry during their teenage years. Few individuals are destined as adults to become poets, yet poetry writing among teenagers is seemingly universal. The point here is that many teenagers engage in some type of creative exercise which they will ultimately abandon as they mature.

You could greatly benefit from counseling. Many of the issues that you are struggling with, including traumatic history, confusion about what you want to do with your life, dealing with life transitions and identity development, are the prototypical reasons why many individuals enter counseling. You would be a great candidate for counseling. I would highly recommend it. The find help tab, at the top of this page, can help you to locate a therapist in your community. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
@DrKRandle

May 12, 2021 0 comment