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Developing a Friendship with Ex, Grown Daughters Will Not Speak to Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Recently I have been developing a friendship with my ex husband. It was a rocky marriage. Divorced 15 years ago. He has received counseling for being a peeping tom 17 years ago. Yes he peeped at my daughters. In case you need to know, he never touched them, he watched from afar. They are now in their 30’s. They hate him. He has mellowed and is regretful. He has said he is sorry to them twice and would get on his knees if he thought it would help. Two months ago we started ‘hanging out’, going places. I did not tell them because I was just seeing him and not asking them to engage in any form of relationship because I knew they would not want to. About two months ago they figured out that we had gone out of town for the night. They sent me terrible texts and threatened not to speak to me again if I didn’t not stop seeing him. I have continued to do things with him because we are so happy together. He seems to have truly changed. I understand that time will only tell. We are not getting married or even including them in the time we spend together. Neither of us remarried after we split up many years ago. We have both been very lonely, not the type to jump into relationships. So now I am torn up inside. I will be miserable if I cannot keep my friendship with him but my stomach stays in knots because I have now been excluded from my family. I am miserable without my family but would be without him as well.

Should I do as my daughter want and stop seeing him? I do understand he did a terrible thing.

Thank you for any advise you can give.

While I admire your capacity for forgiveness there are dynamics within your family that require you to see the reconnection from their perspective in order to maintain the balance.

If you think of the family like a mobile hanging from the ceiling each person in the family is affected by what everyone else does. When your husband checked out, it was like putting a 10 pound weight on him that profoundly threw off the family dynamics. When you divorced him it was like cutting that weight, and your family, out of the balance.

Over time, everyone has adjusted to each other without him being a factor. Reconnecting with him, almost by definition, will throw the balance off again. Your daughter’s request for you to not see him is their attempt at bringing the family back into balance as it was. Since you’ve reconnected with him there is an on going problem with the dynamics. The struggle now his is how to honor your need to reconnect while honoring both your daughter’s.

I highly recommend you and your daughters make an appointment with the family therapist. Here’s a link to a highly regarded association. It will help you find someone in your area. I believe this is very important. To just stop seeing him because of your daughters request alone without a mediated discussion may create more difficulties for you downstream.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Worried about Forgiveness

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I come from a family history of multigenerational parental sexual and emotional abuse as well as NPD and severe depression/anxiety issues. Keeping a healthy relationship with my both my parents takes a lot of emotional energy and requires me to sometimes be the parental figure in the situation, especially with my mother. It has required years of therapy and spiritual investment to maintain a forgiving outlook.

My husband and I have been married 2 years, together for 11, and he is a huge part of my healthy mental state. We work very hard to keep our relationship as a priority.

My husband and I tend to expect that my parents would be the difficult in laws, as his family appears to be far more “normal” than mine. However, it seems that his mother has proven to be the most difficult parental relationship.

I feel guilty because my husband has always been so understanding of my family while it has been difficult for me to be forgiving of his mother. I am worried that because I am constantly dealing with my parents’ issues that I do not have emotional space left to be understanding of his mother who can act very selfishly. I also feel guilty that I have precipitated fights between my husband and his mother. I don’t consciously try to stir up animosity, but I have a tendency to point out when my mother-in-law treats my husband badly (maybe because I am always on high alert with my parents). When my husband and I were dating, I became much more aware of how my husband resolves conflict with his mother. She pushes him around, much like all of her other relationships. She can be very manipulative and never apologizes. It is always about her. They do not fight all the time by any means, but she tends to be very “me” centric and eventually my husband gets so frustrated with her selfishness that he blows up at her. Then, the rest of the fight is spent placating her without her addressing at all how she contributed to the problem.

After her actions led to several difficult situations regarding wedding planning and the wedding itself and now recently with my husband and I purchasing our first home together, I am fed up. She never apologizes! It sounds ridiculous but I am not exaggerating. How do I deal with her?

Thank you for asking such a thoughtful and interesting question. Dynamically, you and your husband share a familiar role in your respective families. It sounds like the narcissism has been a powerful and difficult feature each of you have had to deal with each of your mothers.

I recommend that the two of you discuss your vulnerability and needs with each other on a regular basis — not just in crisis time. (Couple therapy may be found at the ‘Find Help’ tab at the top of this page if you feel you need help in doing this.) You want to continually join forces and share the difficulty in doing that with each other. Your families are the common enemy in this regard. It is difficult to forgive (and some research shows it is best not to do so too quickly) when the person has an abusive and narcissistic feature to them.

I’d also recommend Alice Miller’s classic book: Drama Of The Gifted Child. It discusses in depth the issues of growing up with a narcissistic mother.

Finally, I’d begin to pull back significantly in the frequency and intensity of contact with both families. Your future is together with your husband, not staying in orbit around the chronically self-absorbed.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Got Tricked into Sex Work, Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been in a relationship with my best friend for five years. We are a great fit in all ways, but he frequently questions my integrity and his self-worth.
A few years ago, I took a high paying job as a personal assistant. We were living in a bad neighborhood and I jumped at the opportunity to make more money- without questioning the logistics. It ended up being a personal assistant to a pimp, arranging dates, managing money, and sending out ads for the girls. We talked about what my job would entail, and he was not happy with it, but agreed that we needed the money and it wouldn’t be forever.
A few months after I started, my boss forced me to do something not in my job description. In the situation, I feared for my life, so I obliged.
I didn’t show up for my shift the next day, hoping it would all just go away and I could find a different job quickly. I started receiving threatening phone calls. My boss demanded all the money he had paid me back ($20,000). He had a copy of my ID and social from the hiring process. He made it very clear that my life was in his hands.
I worked as a sex worker for a year and a half to pay him back in full. During that time, my boyfriend found out about it and understandably flipped out. Our marriage plans went out the window, I was forced out of our friend group, and was left to deal with the aftermath alone.
That was two years ago, and we are in a much better place now. But for him, marriage still isn’t on the table and his friends haven’t welcomed me back. He says that he often blames himself for not figuring it out sooner, and blames me for not coming to him for help. I try to explain to him that I was scared to involve anyone else for fear of what would happen to them, but he just doesn’t understand why I didn’t go to the cops. I’m afraid this occurrence will always be a stain on my relationship resume with him, and that he will only see his pain of feeling betrayed and cheated on, when that was not my intention. Can we work towards forgiveness? Or am I wasting my time? (From the USA)

There are several layers here, and I am very appreciative of your courage and resilience in discussing the issues. What is clear is that this isn’t a situation you alone got yourself into. Your boyfriend was very much part of the process and dynamics that got you into the dilemma in the first place. This wasn’t something you did on your own to benefit yourself.

There are three important questions here that you need to answer for yourself. First, is marriage what you want? Are you looking for that in your life at this time or is this relationship good enough for now. In other words, does the relationship you have with your boyfriend meet enough of your needs for now. If marriage is no longer a big deal for you then this might be okay enough.

Does your boyfriend’s unforgiveness knock him out of the running for a good long term partner? If you do want to get married does it feel as if your partner won’t be able to get over this? If marriage is what you want then let him know this in no uncertain terms. If he can’t forgive you and will hold resentment toward you then it is not worth going forward. He may feel that if he forgives you that he will lose his friends, or that he is settling rather than working through. But if he can’t get past this and you want to get married then you’ll have to let him know the relationship can’t go forward. In these terms, he can’t give you what you want and need.

Finally, I’d encourage you both to read this book Forgive For Good, and find a workshop specifically focused on forgiveness. In addition, you may want to find a couple’s counselor who can help the two of you work together on this.

There are two elements of forgiveness. There is forgiveness of the other and unforgiveness. The unforgiveness has little to do with the situation or another person. It has to do with the feelings you have that negatively ruminate about the situation. People can be unforgiving about someone who has passed on — or a situation that is long since dissolved but the bitterness remains.

Perhaps is a good place to start because your unforgiveness of yourself and your boyfriends lack of concern for you during that time may be beneath the whole situation. One way to break this cycle of unforgiveness is with self-compassion. As it’s essence self-compassion is being able to treat yourself like a good friend would treat you. Nurturing yourself in this way can ease the discomfort of the past — while setting the stage for not only being more tolerant of yourself and your boyfriend. Obviously, this works best when both of you work at this level.

Here is a brief video on self-compassion you may find interesting to help you connect with that part of yours or that needs nurturing.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Girlfriend Dislikes My Female Friend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve known my female friend for 7 years. We’ve never liked nor had any sexual relations of any kind for as long as we’ve known each other but we were close friends. I’ve known and been with my girlfriend (gf) for 5 years and everything has been great. My gf and friend even went to the same high school and knew each other.

Last year, I pranked my friend through my gf’’s phone where I pretended to be my gf and told her that things were not so great and that I (my gf) would have to leave the country forever to which my friend was sad (my gf agreed to the prank, watched me do it and thought it was funny as well).
Later that night we all went out together, my friend found out about the prank and hit my face which she thought was playful revenge. My gf was infuriated at this as she views a slap on the face regardless of intention or intensity as extremely disrespectful to which she demanded an apology. My friend responded to my gf’;s messages saying “I’m sorry, but I also didn’t hit him that hard” This enraged my gf further as my friend didn’t understand why hitting the face was SO wrong to my gf.
I had forgiven my friend (during the situation) because of the context of the situation. I know her intention wasn’t to humiliate or injure me and it was because of the prank, so I moved on. My gf dislikes this because she feels like I’m “not on her side” and that her efforts to stand up for me (which I thanked her for) was a waste of time. I’m someone who finds it very easy to trust and love because I expect nothing. My gf is different where building trust is very difficult, easily broken and she expects a standard of behavior from everyone. She now detests the idea of me interacting with my friend because she thinks my friend is toxic. I always ask her if it is ok and if she’d like to come along when my friend invites me to hang out but she declines, so I mostly avoid going because I feel like it’ll just cause problems. I thought I acted rational in the situation but now I’m just confused. Was I wrong to forgive my friend? Did I interpret wrong?

It’s always okay to forgive someone, and it is not unusual for people experiencing the same thing having different takes on what it means. My guess is the slap is being interpreted as a more intimate response of betrayal than your girlfriend would have anticipated. Also, this prank was with the full cooperation, knowledge, and help of your girlfriend — and she didn’t get slapped. You both betrayed her with this prank and you were the one taking the punishment for it.

It is a dangerous game to tug on someone’s feelings of loss and abandonment as a prank. My suggestion? You and your girlfriend apologized for putting your friend in such a bad place, accept your friend’s apology, and work on re-establishing trust with each other.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Have Uncontrollable Anger Toward My Mother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Paris: I have an abandonment issue, my mother used to ignore me since childhood to adulthood, she preferred paying attentions to my brothers instead. Now I’m an adult, and my brothers have had enough of her attention, she’s turning her attention to me: always telling me to pay attention to my body, always giving critics to everything I do. Now, whenever she starts talking to me, I have this uncontrollable and sudden anger, when I told her, “how dare u to pay attention to me just now, where were you when I was a child?” and she got confused, as if she couldn’t find anything wrong with it. It’s impossible for me to have a normal conversation with her, and if we’re alone together, I’d prefer locking myself away. I don’t know how to let her understand that it’s too late to pay attention to me now, and I can’t accept any her opinions about me and my life. I feel like she’s a total stranger to me. I just want her to leave me alone, like she used to. And when I ignored all her calls and messages, she immediately contacted all her friends to go check on me, and I was like, WTH?! I’m ashamed of her attitude.
I don’t know what should I do…..

I’m sorry you didn’t get the mother every child deserves when you were young. It’s sad and certainly angry making. But it’s also true that you do now have a choice that you didn’t have when you were young and dependent. You can forgive the past and try to make a relationship with who she is now. Or — since that seems unlikely to be positive — you can learn to remove yourself emotionally from her even if you have to stay somewhat connected.

As it is now, you are giving her too much negative control. All she has to do is be critical and you get upset. She decides not to understand and you end up frustrated and even more upset. Her behavior doesn’t deserve that much of your attention and energy. I hope you can learn how to contact her just enough that she doesn’t hunt you down but not so much that her comments touch you. All they are are words. They don’t matter unless you let them matter. The only opinions that deserve your attention are your own and those of people who love you and who have your best interests at heart.

It isn’t easy to take emotional distance from a parent. A therapist can give you support and can help you learn how to take care of yourself when your mother is too intrusive. I hope you will also befriend some older women who will love you for who you are and who will provide you with the guidance we’d all like to have from the wise women in our lives.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What Should I Do about Alcoholic Dad?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Canada: For nearly my whole life my father has been an alcoholic. He has anger issues he refuses to address. For a period of time he would have fights with my mom about his drinking, but he’s learned to hide it from her.

When I was younger, he would constantly pick on my older sister. As I got to be 9+ years of age he also began to pick on me, especially once my sister left for school. He would yell at me without being provoked. He would come into my room at random times and yell at me for “not behaving like a normal human being” and cuss me out for other general things.

My sister used to get mad at me frequently as well, and I feel this was because for a long time she would get in trouble from my father but I wouldn’t. I was always upset when he would yell at her. Due to the way my family would interact with me, I tend to isolate myself from them. I am also very careful about managing my own anger, because I do not want to be like them.

As much as I feel my father has hurt me and acted selfishly, he’s still my dad, and when he is in the right mood he is very kind and giving to others. All of my friends think he’s great. I feel a lot of empathy for him because I believe he endured a lot of abuse when he was a child.

So this is my dilemma: My father has hurt me and continues with his behavior to this day. I don’t want to be near him or involved with him at all. However, I want him to be happy and feel loved. If I reject him, I know that I would be hurting him a lot. I truly feel that telling him how I feel and asking him to change will do nothing but make him angry. I have struggled with these conflicting emotions for a long time. What can I do?

Your father is a fortunate man to have such a thoughtful daughter. Being the sensitive person you are, you don’t want to hurt him, despite the fact that he has been hurtful. It’s sad he can’t see it.

That being said, I do want you to know that you are not alone in your dilemma. One of the challenges of dealing with a parent like yours is that he isn’t all bad. As you’ve indicated, it is unfair to write him off completely. He has positive qualities. He has supported his family. He has not alienated your friends. And you understand that his behavior stems from his own abuse history. There is much in your relationship with him that is worth salvaging.

You probably can’t address the situation on your own. I can think of a few things that might be helpful.

First: Look for a chapter of Al-Ateen. Al-Ateen helps teens like you develop tools for coping with an alcoholic parent. There’s a “find a meeting” tab on their website.

Secondly: Get yourself into therapy, not because I think you are mentally ill, but because I think you need an objective therapist to help you sort out the effects of having had an alcoholic parent. A therapist can offer you important support as you figure out what you can and can’t do to maybe change the situation. I hope the therapist will also engage your sister and mother in the project and consider whether a family intervention would be helpful. Sometimes a kind but direct confrontation with the pain that alcoholism has caused does motivate someone to change.

Third: Find a way to forgive your dad for being an imperfect father. Yes, he really has been imperfect. But apparently he has also done the best he could given his own history. The best he could wasn’t good enough but he did somehow manage to stay in the family and to raise a daughter like yourself. Forgiveness is not intended to let him off the hook for his negative behaviors. Forgiveness has the power to help you both move on and perhaps make a better future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My boyfriend emotionally cheated on me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We had a good start but then my boyfriend started complaining that I wasn’t giving him his emotional needs. I first didn’t realize what he needed and he kept complaining and fighting for the past 2 years and I only understood and matured lately. I’ve been trying to give him what he needs for the past 2 months but he won’t open up. A few days ago, he admitted to me that he was emotionally cheating on me and that he just figured it out and he kept apologizing and crying, begging for my forgiveness and telling me he’d give me whatever I needed but that he didn’t want us to break up because he couldn’t bare losing me. He admitted he was totally wrong and that he had no excuses but the reason it happened was that he wasn’t getting what he needed from me and he swore he never went looking for his needs elsewhere and he kept pushing the girl away but he got weak after a while. My boyfriend has never been unfaithful and I know he loves me insanely, he’s just over friendly with girls and I honestly find it really difficult to deal with, because I’m very insecure, because I find his behavior exceeding “limits”, and especially that he wouldn’t accept me to behave this way around guys.

He said he needed some time apart in order to open up again and I gave him the space but he didn’t take it and kept calling as usual. Since he’s admitted infidelity, he’s been supportive and trying to cheer me up and he has stopped blaming me for my mistakes and is ‘trying’ to be more affectionate. I know he isn’t doing much because he can’t open up and is still upset.

I need help figuring out what to do about the relationship. I used to be very insecure about myself and about his fidelity but now I can’t trust him at ALL. I know I was wrong in not giving him what he needs and I feel extremely guilty, but I also feel like I can’t trust him or forgive him anymore and I don’t know whether I should break it off or not. Please help me make my choice because I’ve had enough of this emotional roller coaster, of insecurities and of feeling so lonely and disconnected because we don’t fulfill each other’s needs anymore. We both are extremely attached to each other and we want to fix it but we don’t know how. Is he worth trusting again? Is this relationship worth it?

Of course only you can make your choice, but I can tell you what I hear in your letter. It is interesting to note your description of this relationship. Both of you are trying to respond to each other, but it isn’t working.

You have been with him for two years (since you were 17) and it may be time for a break. You may simply have been helping each other through a tumultuous time in your life. At this point trusting him is difficult, and his efforts at trying to be affectionate haven’t worked.

Being attached doesn’t mean being in love.

This may simply be a habit. His instinct was to turn to someone else rather than put the effort in with you to make it work. Perhaps that tells the tale. Take a break you can both stick with and see if your feelings change. That will give you time to decide if you want to work on the relationship. If you do decide to make a go of it you may want to try some brief couples therapy. Your college is likely to have some good people on the counseling staff that can help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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The pain of being the one left

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Last year my husband said he knew this girl who needed our help. She had what appeared to be an abusive boyfriend. My husband wanted to help this girl, and I agreed- why not help a person who needs some support. However, soon I became excluded from the help. That is,my husband was the main one interacting with her. He would send emails, meet, exchanged gifts- I was NEVER allowed to be apart of this. My husband was acting like he was having an affair. He was lying to me. He was buying secret phones to call this “girl”. He insulted me,said things to me that one would not even say to their worst enemy. Once he had to go to the hospital. He gave me instructions for taking care of his mother, brother, daughter,and this girl- no parting words for me. The painful examples can go on and on.

Now, the girl has a mother. And naturally she wants to know who is “helping” her daughter. She NEVER calls me. But she does tell my husband that her d husband doesn’t touch her and is impotent, and she is getting a divorce- all under the pretense of “helping her poor daughter”. My husband doesn’t not allow me to be present in any of these interactions either. This woman even invited my husband to meet. I found directions to the “woman’s house”.

My husband continually states that he only wanted to help these people and that is all he did. He has apologized, and asked for forgiveness. He says he did not have an affair. But he lied about so many things. It seems to me that an emotional relationship did take place- maybe physical with the girl’s mother.

I feel terribly hurt by all of this. I told him I was not comfortable with these people, and ignored my request rid them from our life-despite the girl saying she would not leave her boyfriend. There are days when I don’t want to get dressed. I really do just feel sad a lot. I feel sad when something triggers a memory about this situation which started last August. I have trust issues now. I just don’t know what to do. Everyday is a struggle for me . I am a little better,but I am still hurt and angry. I just can’t believe my husband did this to me. I don’t know if I can ever forgive his behaviors. I just feel disappointed.

There are days when I know I am depressed and maybe my feelings and sadness are disproportional to reality. There are days when I question whether or not I like being sad- maybe I am just not letting this go because I get a payoff from these feelings.

I have never been in such a state. My husband just lives his life as if nothing is wrong. In the meantime, I don’t want to leave my house because maybe he is lying to me about where he is or what he is doing. I am the one with the scars and the hurt. I am the one who cries because of this. I go to work, and everyone likes me ( most people anyway) and I have fun at work. I laugh a lot. I feel like life is good. But then I get ready to come home, and I realize that this aspect of my life is not what it used to be. I feel sad all over again.

Anyway, I just want to know if my feelings are normal? I want to know how to get better. I want to be able to trust again and be me. I just need guidance because I am really very sad at times. And it makes me sad to think that I am depressed. I never thought I would ever be in this position- maybe that is why I am.
Thanks for your input,

Yes, your feelings are quite normal. What you are feeling is typical of the person in a relationship who has been betrayed. Your husband knew all along what he was doing. You, on the other hand, had no say in the situation. That lack of control makes most people feel devalued, upset, anxious and depressed. Since your husband was letting you have almost no impact, your only choices were to either leave or wait it out. Neither is a happy position to be in.

I’m glad that you are able to be more yourself at work. That’s an important affirmation that you are okay and that you have it in you to get beyond the sadness. But your relationship with your husband needs some major repair work. He is either clueless or he is hoping that if he acts as if everything is the same, he won’t have to deal with either guilt or your justifiable anger. I suggest you make an appointment with a couples counselor. Go even if your husband won’t. Once he sees you are serious, he may join you later. But in the meantime, you would have a place to deal with your feelings and to make some decisions about how you want to respond to the events of the past 6 months.

You are not crazy. You are hurt. You deserve to have some support from an experienced professional who can help you make sense of the situation.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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