Tag:

France

How Can I Help My Brother?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 6th, 2024

Q. My brother keeps on rebuilding his life every 6mths and drinks and smokes heavily and has started to be very aggressive. My brother(Tom) has just been to visit my Mum and her new husband( Tony,2yrs married). My Dad died of Liver cancer 7 yrs ago. He has just left a damaging relationship of 10mths in Leeds to a women similar to him but after therapy. She had just called the police on him due to his violent behaviour. He said he called police and needed to relax in France and earn some money helping my Mum on the old house. All seemed great, he had been spending half of day on great form and then after lunch hiding in his room on the internet lookiging for work and being very moody! Yesterday he was told that our grandmother of 86 yrs wasn’t going to come out of her sleep. He took this as a great excuse to DRINK bottled beer. He got drunk and then started to hit my step Dad and smash photo frames and damage furniture. He was like a mad pocessed crazed man my Mum said. Tony took Tom to the ferry port and gave him £300 and sent him off back to the UK.

This has been the story of his life pattern he has problems keeping friends and staying in one place he has now started to say I have voices in my head saying”distroy everything”. I am worried for his safety and well being. If he calls me what advise can I give him I am not sure if he is schizophrenic or an alcoholic. He says he drinks only when stressed and that has been most of the time he seems to have problems with his behaviour after only a moderate couple of bottles or half a bottle of wine.He always needs something in his hand if not beer its cigarette even strong coffee.Pattern has got worse over last 2 years. He goes on benders and doesn’t care about others most of the time. He can seem so normal and lovely and then this has just happened.

I look forward to hearing from you as I don’t know where to go to with this serious problem he has! Many thanks.

You should advise him to seek help from mental health professionals. It is difficult to know what is happening to him when he drinks and gets out of control. He may be drinking to cover up the voices you said he hears or it could be that the alcohol is part of the reason he hears voices. Either way, it is imperative that he seek some form of assistance.

Based on your letter, your brother has not been stable for most of his adult life and it seems to be getting worse. He is now at the point where he is acting out violently towards members of your family. This makes him dangerous.

Suggest to him (while he is sober) that he might benefit from mental health assistance. Perhaps, if the two of you are close (emotionally), you might be willing to go with him for support (i.e. drive him to the facility, help him choose where to go, etc.). If he has support he might be more willing to attend treatment. You and the rest of your family might go to him and request that he seek some sort of assistance. If the family approaches him with the same consistent message — “please get help” — this might be more powerful than you talking to him alone.

If he does not get help or he continues to drink, there may be little that you can do. You cannot force anyone to seek treatment. If he is a danger to you or your family you may have to resort to calling the authorities. This of course would be a measure of last resort but one that must be used if he places you or your family in danger.

This is a difficult problem to solve because it requires that your brother realize that he needs help. Do your best to assist him in getting help and keep trying until you feel that you have done all that you can. He is fortunate to have a sister who cares about his well-being. Thanks for writing and please write again if you have any follow-up questions.

November 6, 2024 0 comment

Why Am I So Jealous?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 28th, 2019

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am incredibly jealous in my current relationship. I have never been a jealous girlfriend before. With previous boyfriends, I felt a pang of jealousy with certain circumstances – like one bf used to stay at a female friend’s house in France for holidays – but I just told myself there’s no point in going out with someone unless you trust them and that worked.

I completely trust my boyfriend, probably more than I’ve trusted any previous boyfriend! Yet I feel distraught when he mentions his past. Even if he doesn’t mention an ex girlfriend I just imagine that they were there. I get upset during sex or if he doesn’t seem to be responding well enough to my advances (all other experiences have been that if I do something sexy, men want to have sex with me, but my current bf sometimes doesn’t respond or just ignores it). I also got upset because it somehow came up in conversation that I had the longest pubic hair he had ever seen. I don’t make much effort on myself but I never have and it’s never been a problem. I’ve always been able to get a boyfriend if I want one so I suppose I’d assumed I didn’t need to try. My boyfriend tells me that he doesn’t want me to make any effort, keeps telling me I don’t need make up and he likes me just how I am, but since he mentioned the pubic hair thing, and he said he liked it shorted for practical reasons during sex, I feel completely inferior.

I also don’t really like it when he speaks to other women, unless they are in a long-term relationship.

I’ve never, ever felt like this before. I think most of it is because I just suddenly think everyone is better than me and that I’m a useless excuse for a woman. My self-esteem just seems to have plummeted over the last year and I’m not clear why. I love my boyfriend but sometimes I think about leaving him. This is because many times a day I feel this simultaneous mixture of emotions – love and heartbreak – the sort of pain I imagine I would get if he left. I just don’t want to hurt anymore.

I don’t act jealous around my bf and would never ask him not to do something/see someone for my sake. I talk to him calmly about my jealousy so I can explain why I am upset but I always make sure I tell him that this is my problem and not in any way his fault. I don’t want him to feel like he needs to change the things he does just so I don’t get jealous.

I’m really stuck on this, I don’t know how to make it stop. I feel like crying a lot of the time. How can I start feeling more confident again? I hate feeling jealous and it is also making my boyfriend feel bad.

Thank you for writing.

It sounds to me like you don’t feel good enough about yourself. The jealousy you are describing is probably a projection. You are likely to be jealous of a trait or characteristic that hasn’t fully formed (yet) inside of you. My guess is that you were probably drawn to his confidence.

Self-acceptance is needed to undo jealousy. When you cognitively restructured your thoughts, such as telling yourself that a relationship is valueless unless you have trust, you were able to cope much better.

Self-acceptance is important for coping with the internal pangs you describe. I would recommend working with a cognitive-behavioral therapist for a few brief sessions to identify more of the negative thoughts you have (you have a good handle on many of them from your description here) and to find more positive affirmations to replace them. The find help tab at the top of the page will assist you in locating someone.

That having been said, the other part of this is to be okay enough with your boundaries and concerns that you can assert them clearly enough when they are bothering you. When he says or does something you don’t like it will be just as important to find your voice and be clear about what isn’t okay.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

March 22, 2011 0 comment

Is Something Wrong?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 21st, 2019

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. I lived with my mum up to the time she died. It was me and mum, I was 35. We left my dad when I was 17 he was abusive. Since mums death I run away to France from uk never spoke to my brother since. have no friends or family I met my partner over internet and she was in police force she moved to be with me she is very patient with me My memory of my past can not remember and cant interact when my partner tells me stories from her past some stories i can but we have been together 3 years same stories. I have pains in my back, i have to control my blinking it goes down my arm then my leg if i can’t control twitch then i am controlling my breathing get heavy and it feels worse as i cant breath and feel inside i am going to die. Have flash backs i instantly push away i feel a blanket over lap me slowly until i have no energy. I cant sleep most times have to think of a story and go with it until i fall asleep i cant do simple tasks like pick a towel of the floor even though it annoys Janie when Janie asks me simple things i feel over whelmed like its to much for me to handle sounds ridiculous i do try its like i cant pick up the towel or put tooth past lid on etc. most mornings i thought of suicide i would never do as i punch it away instantly i did try when mum died but could not do i cant sleep. headache dizziness i feel i don’t want to even talk sometimes i don’t feel depressed i know i should not but i think i am sometimes i am not aware but Janie says i am.

latterly thinking moving back to uk but i feel i wont make it i mean i not going to survive. i cant explain properly there is so much over last 3 years i am feeling i am being watched to point i am being haunted. i know i am its another story i some times see my self screaming or my body shaking or crawling around the floor like a animal i feel i want to but i don’t Janie only see me when i am tired or i say i am not feeling very well i would not allow her to know what’s happening but lately i lay there and feel in my mind its on a border line of in my mind that i am going to lose my mind and not know about it i am not very sociable and get very anxious i also get palpitation in my throat when people come but Janie has helped me very much and i have improved lots cant tell you everything as i don’t want to feel upset. i was wondering do you know whets up with me and how do i help myself to be better not by talking to anyone or anyone or going to doctors.

I look attractive and am well-spoken i know this is all a jibble i just thought when i came across your site system of being haunted i came across yours and sounds similar. i get very confused sometimes and had to close my bank account in England as i forgot all my details and i could not remember where i lived before and had to Google it now i know thanks is there anything wrong with me or am i grieving. Thanks so much for reading there so much but would go on forever.

I am sorry you are experiencing so much distress. Based on your letter, it seems like you are suffering from a number of issues that include stress, sleep deprivation, anxiety, paranoia, severe memory loss, dissociation, depression, suicidal ideation, possibly panic attacks and post traumatic stress. It seems that you are on the edge of losing control. In fact, you already have gaps in memory so severe that you cannot remember basic information about where you live. This is abnormal and should not be occurring.

It is imperative that you seek help from a mental health professional. I strongly urge you, if you have not already done so, to have a psychiatric evaluation. The evaluation can help you connect with a mental health professional and identify what issue you need to tackle first. If you have a family member or a friend who can go with you for support, please take them along. Don’t put this off. Make the appointment and get help now.

May 26, 2008 0 comment