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A Friend Chose My Same Career Path and I Just Can’t Handle It

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I am a designer and I have worked super hard for the past 8 years to try to succeed in my career. It has been a real rough path for me, because it’s a difficult and overcrowded field, the economy, etc ..and I had my dreams crushed and I have changed fields within the design area a few times: I have always been an enthusiastic hard worker but I’ve just met very difficult people over and over, as mentors, managers, etc, I lost chances because I was feeling also depressed about it all for a while. A professional helped me and to make me focus on what I’ve learned and on my worth as a professional.

Flash forward to today, I just lost my position due to the Covid, and I am now working hard to be a freelancer.

Well, my close friend has just gone through an uncertain career-wise year herself, and because she couldn’t succeed as a freelancer in her area of design, she now just decided to switch to my area of expertise, even tho she still has little experience with it.

Well, the problem? It simply infuriates me. I am sorry to feel these feelings because I know they don’t make sense, but irrational feelings don’t always do. I know she has every right to try to find the right path just like I am doing, but the idea of her succeeding where I am struggling so much fills me with rage and jealousy.
I also believe she chose this path because she witnessed my few couple of successes here.

I know I am feeling this way because I am not satisfied with my own results: if I had an established career, I wouldn’t feel threatened, but I would even be happy to mentor my friends.

I can see how the friendship would begin to be difficult: now I don’t feel comfortable about sharing insights with her, I don’t see how we could go to networking events together (like we were talking about), if we both would want to pitch ourselves to the same person, I hated for her to find out about my website, so that she could catch up with some tools I used she still needed to learn (it happened)..
I even find myself hating her work (which I don’t really like, it might be a matter of taste).

I don’t want to live this way. I have always considered myself an open and loving person with my dear ones, and in these circumstances, I am not able to do it and it makes me really nervous and uncertain because I feel threatened in such a delicate area of my life, where I am wounded, with low self-confidence, where I invested so many years, money, and time..
I even considered trying to talk to her about it but honestly, I don’t even know where to begin, because I know I am wrong and I shouldn’t feel this way, I am ashamed of these feelings. And I don’t think it would benefit the friendship, at all.

Thank you in advance for your response and help! I really appreciate it. (From the USA)

I can fully appreciate your reaction. On the one hand, you have been an inspiration to her. She was drawn to the field because of your success. But on the other hand, it sounds like she is ill-prepared to move into the area of design that you specialize in.

I admire the fact that you are taking the time to study your reaction. This type of curiosity in our own thoughts and feelings toward others gives us the best opportunity for a correction.

Typically the general rule in these situations is to move toward the conflict. The work is to try and see what is happening differently. Instead of viewing her as an adversary that is interloping into your territory, it might be worth it to discuss with her the ways you can help each other, pool your advertising resources, and social network advertising. There is a terrific book called Powers of Two by Joshua Wolf Shenk that talks about partnerships. I believe this may help if you try to think of this as an opportunity rather than a conflict.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How to Cope with Friendships Ending

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Let me first start out by saying I am not gay whatsoever, nor is the person I’m about to talk about. That person we are to talk about is a male, and for privacy we’ll call him John instead of his real name.

I work for a company that requires training after starting. When I got to the hotel all the new guys were to be staying at, I wasn’t expecting to have a roommate. So, whenever I get inside and I check in, the lady tells me my roommate has already checked in; I give her a look and say “okay, thank you” i then walk my stuff up to the room.

When I get inside, I see my roommate sitting on the bed on his computer, normal as can be, he’s a real chill guy, real cool. To keep things short, “John” and I basically built up a friendship by telling each other’s life stories (consisting of us both being engaged, when and where we were getting married to our fiancée’s, where the honeymoon’s were to be; also where we went to school, our age, previous work places, etc…all the basics), cutting up all week, and all that.

Now, come end of training, we’ll go back to our “districts” which ours are about 3 and a half hours apart so basically hanging out and going out with other friends isn’t really an option, so the friendship we built up, probably won’t last. I think we became close friends so quick because we are somewhat just alike in how we act.

Moral of the story is, I hate when I make a new friend (a close one at that) then our friendship all of a sudden ends rather quickly or comes to almost a halt due to something we can’t control, and it ending within a very short period of time after meeting that person.

I suppose it’s just part of my personality, but when this happens it bums me out for a few days. This has happened a few times with people I’ve met, which is one reason why I have a hard time making new friends, is because I don’t know if they’re going to stay in my life for a long time or just a season.

I’m looking for ways to cope with this now and in the future.
Thanks.

There’s an old saying that some friends are for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. All are valuable. All give us companionship and support in this crazy thing called life. But, as the saying says, not all of the people we meet and like will be lifetime friends. Some will teach us something we need to know. Some will be important to us for awhile. And probably about 3 – 5 will be close, lifetime friends. (That’s the average, by the way. Most people have 3 – 5 good friends who stick with each other for a very long time.)

It makes sense to me that you connected with your fellow trainee so quickly. You were both in a novel and perhaps anxiety-provoking situation. You had much in common. You were thrown together many hours of every day. It makes absolute sense that by the end of the training, you felt the potential was there for a lifetime buddy. But then reality in the form of distance and regular life stepped in. If he lived next door to each other, you might have kept it going. But, you’re right, living 3 hours apart means that you won’t have the opportunity to get to know each other better or to widen the circle by including your fiances and by doing things together regularly.

Value that “friendship” for what it was — one of the “for a season” kind. In this case the “season” was the training period. Or maybe it was one of the “for a reason” type — in that it may have helped each of you manage a challenging training while away from the people who love you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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A Homeschooled Friend Is Suicidal

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Canada: A friend who we’ll call JD has recently opened up to me about the seriousness of her depression. She has self harmed and thinks often about suicide, but I don’t think she has actually attempted it yet. I’ve been helping her as much as I can, but since she’s only 15, there isn’t much I can do to help her without her parent’s consent.

She recently talked to her mother about going to therapy, but her mother said that everyone goes through this and she’s not special. They even refuse to take her to the doctor’s despite JD being constantly physically unwell (I think due to her depression and anxiety. They just tell her that she’s fine, and needs to keep working despite this (they’re farmers).

My friendship has helped her become open to the ideas of therapy and even a bit more trusting of other adults, but she doesn’t want to tell them everything because she doesn’t want to be taken away from her parents.

JD is homeschooled, so there isn’t a school counselor she can talk to. We do attend a youth group together, and at least a few of the leaders know (to an extent) about what she’s going through, but JD is still hesitant to talk to them.

I’m not too sure about the legalities of her going to therapy without parental consent, and since she’s out of town, it would be difficult to go without her parents bringing her, which they won’t do.

Her father is emotionally abusive, constantly yelling at his children and swearing at them and calling them useless despite their hard work, but he hasn’t ever hit them as far as I know.

I just want to help my friend, but the biggest road block is her parents. Is there any way we can legally force them to take her to therapy, or any way to make them see that depression is real and that she needs more help that she has? Is there anything our youth leaders can do legally, or is it all up to her parents?

Thanks for the help. I just feel like I’m out of options, and I don’t want to call Child/Family Services or the police unless it’s a emergency. We’ve been making progress, but there’s just been a big roadblock.

Your friend is fortunate to have such a good friend as you. But there is a limit to what one teen can do for another. What you can do, and in my opinion should do, is talk more specifically to your youth group leaders about what you know. They are in a much better position to approach her parents. They will also know what they can and can’t do legally.

You need to take care that you are not her only support. I understand that you are worried about her. I understand that you don’t want to abandon her. But the fact is you don’t have the skills or the defenses that are needed to navigate being responsible for another person’s life. Talking to the youth leaders will help you as well as her during this difficult time.

Meanwhile — Please encourage your friend to make use of the online and hotline services that are available. One such hotline is Youthspace Canada. Youthspace.ca is an emotional and crisis support line for youth 30 and under across Canada. Chat is one-to-one with a trained volunteer working with the support of staff members. Go to site where you can chat with a Volunteer / SMS Text Chat 778-783-0177. CHAT HOURS: 6 pm – midnight PST.

In addition, there is a “Teens Lounge” here at LifeHelper where teens can offer support and encouragement to each other. Go to “Find Help” on the homepage. Then click on “Forums”.

I wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

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Husband was attracted to a co-worker

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, my husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. We just welcomed a baby in March. Things were always so great – with the minor ups and downs of every relationship, but nothing serious. After the baby I had a little PPD. I was dealing with it on my own and working through it and was feeling better and confident as a mom by 2 months. Things were good. I didn’t want to go back to work, my husband and both wanted me to find another job as I travel quite a bit. So my brother helped me start on a home business. It was going well, but stressful to handle the business and a baby.

We had a birthday dinner planned with my family one night. That day was a busy day, I was a little stressed, baby crying, etc. My husband came home and we got were driving to the restaurant and we started talking about a dinner with a co-worker and her fiance that we were going to the following week. He told me who was going and I asked why a female co-worker was not going, he said she wasn’t invited. I gave him the interrogation of why and asked if he had a crush on her. Don’t ask me why I thought to ask that, I still don’t know. Anyway, after dinner, we were still angry with each other, he was upset that I don’t trust him, etc. But I do trust him. Finally later that night he confessed that he had a crush on a different co-worker, one that we were going to dinner with. She is engaged and I have met her several times.

After that, of course it was question after question. He said that she is just a friend at work. He said that he liked her but put those thoughts in the back of his head. She sits next to him so they would go up to the cafeteria at work once in while and grab coffee, but that was all the one-on-one time they spent together. Everything else was in group settings. He said that she was nice and listed to him about work frustrations and they have a connection on a friendship level. He also said that he was attracted to her and thought of her, but never once intended to act or do anything more than be a friend. He said he thought about telling me he was attracted to her but didn’t know how to say it. He wanted the feelings to go away. He doesn’t love his job and described it as a distraction from work. He said it was like an ego boost as well – he wondered if she liked him too and said it was a nice feeling that she wanted to be his friend. He was trying to get us to hang out more, the four of us, so the feeling would go away. He said he knew he was attracted to right after he started working there – about 1 1/2 ago and the feeling was not constant – it would come and go. I asked him if he ever looked her up on facebook and he said yes he did, out of curiosity. He is too honest with me, I think.

During this time, I got pregnant and we were starting a new phase of our relationship. Not once did I feel any distance or anything wrong between us. I only felt us getting closer. He says the same thing. He said, he loved me more and more and felt very close to me and was looking forward to welcoming our baby and loved the way I looked. He said the feeling he had was completely separate from us and there was nothing I did to make him like her. He also said that there was nothing he was unhappy about in our marriage either. It was just she was friendly, around everyday at work and she was just a different person.

My reaction has been really extreme. He told me this about 2.5 months ago and I’m still having a hard time with it. Since he’s told me he has gone above and beyond in trying to fix things. He has arranged counseling, written love letters, emails basically has poured his heart out to me. I know he is sincere and I do trust him. I just can’t get the thought of him liking and thinking about someone else out of my mind. He said he never felt guilty for having those feelings as he thought they were normal and natural and that everyone experienced them from time to time, he said he never flirted or gave compliments, never went to lunch, never talked outside of work or work functions – he said I never acted and that’s what’s important. He never even thought about acting.

I admitted to him that there was a guy at my work that I was attracted to and could relate to the way he was feeling, but just would’ve never thought to tell him about it because it wasn’t a big deal. He said my experience was the same as his. It was totally insignificant and meaningless, just a distraction. Someone catches your eye and you think about it, it’s a normal curiosity. He is not upset at all about my experience. He said, becuase I trust you. He said you could’ve liked him more and flirted, as long as that’s all it was and I still wouldn’t be as hurt as you are. He said the important thing is that “I love you more than anything and being with you and our family is the only thing I have ever wanted, some other feelings may have been there, but they were insignificant compared to us and what we have.”

He regrets telling me. He said the only harm that came out of this situation was him telling me about it. In a way, I would rather not know. It has caused so much distress and insecurity in me and I just don’t know why. I don’t know how to get it out of my head and move on and be secure again. I cannot understand why I’m still thinking about this and why it is bothering me so much. Everyone keeps telling me it is really normal and the only difference is that you know, most men don’t say anything. They say I’m lucky he is so honest as it shows his integrity. I know we all think of other people and wonder what if, but it’s just really hard knowing, I think.

Can you please help me to understand? In your opinion was his experience wrong or was it just wrong to tell me? How do I move on and be happy again? I want so badly for us to be happy…he does too! He feels so terrible to have hurt me so badly. I feel terrible to hurt him too, he’s hurting too. he hardly talks to anyone at his work anymore and has cut off all personal communication with this girl. I do feel bad, becuase I know he just enjoyed talking with her and that was it. I don’t know why I can’t be mature and just trust he will always do the right thing. I mean I do trust him. I just feel insecure, I guess. I just need to get over it! Please help.
Thank you!

I’m very glad you wrote. You are in danger of creating the very situation you fear. By obsessively calling your husband’s integrity and love into question, you are rocking your relationship and making him wonder if he should be honest with you. You’re miserable. He’s miserable. You have two small children who are undoubtedly sensing that something is wrong between you. Not good.

Let’s get back to basics: It is perfectly normal for friends to feel attraction for each other. As we get to know people well and like them more and more, we see more and more of their attractive qualities. Even people who were not initially attractive to us physically become attractive when we develop the affection and caring of a true friendship. Attraction is an affirmation of that deepening relationship.

Attraction, though, is not the issue. When people are committed to a marriage or a romantic partner, the attraction to a friend or acquaintance is simply noted, perhaps with the passing thought of “if things were different . . .” We go on and simply enjoy our friend and hope that someday someone special will also appreciate her or him. Such friendships are not a threat to a committed relationship.

Your husband wasn’t wrong to acknowledge his attraction to his female friend. You weren’t wrong to see something in your male friend either. Your husband wasn’t wrong to tell you about it. In fact, in a healthy relationship, appreciation for the attractiveness of each other’s friends is often shared — followed up with a hug or a comment that says “but I’m glad I’m with you.”

As you suspect, the problem in your marriage is your extreme reaction to a normal situation. There is no “just” to your level of insecurity. It’s threatening your family. Please consider seeing a therapist to get to the bottom of this. It’s too hard for you – and for your husband – to live this way. Apologize to your husband. Let him know that you do understand that he’s entitled to have his friendships and to be at ease at work. Then ask for his support as you focus on settling your own issues so that the two of you, and your children, can enjoy the loving family that is possible for all of you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Wife’s best friend seems to want something more

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Paris: My wife’s best (girl) friend who has some very serious marital issues (I know she already committed adultery and doesn’t hesitate to go out with a cute guy), has been like “hitting” on my wife for a while. Their relationship is turning to something that is worrying me: long phone calls, love names in sms (like “my love”, “honey”, “sugar”, “can’t live without you”, “I love you sooo much”, etc.). They even started calling themselves by nicknames.

I have a very good relationship with my wife and never saw this as a threat or as something bizarre. As far as I know, my wife and the BFF never had any gay sexual experiences in their lives (at least physically).

A few weeks back, we were invited to a restaurant (me, my wife, the BFF, her husband, and friends). The next day, my wife, in shock, shows me an email from the BFF saying: “My love, I don’t think I can live without you even though you hurt me yesterday because you didn’t sit next to me. I felt you didn’t care about me. I love you.” My wife just replied with a joke and everything went back to normal (except for the pet nicknames).

We often go out with each other and I have been noticing that my wife leaves me now every time during dinners to go and sit next to the BFF (it wasn’t like that before). I am sure there is nothing sexual from my wife’s side (we’re “active” and happy in our relationship). The problem is that the BFF is getting more and more possessive (phone calls, sms, etc.) and I feel my wife is playing along out of friendship and because, as she told me, she thinks there is only friendship involved.

I really feel something is getting out of hand and would like to understand it and stop it.

Your wife’s BFF is in serious marital dificulty. Change in sexual orientation can be a “cause” or an “effect.” It may be that the marital difficulties have emerged because she is finally acknowledging her lesbian sexuality. Or she may be trying out a lesbian identity as a result of being so dissatisfied with her husband and marriage. Either way, your wife is not helping matters by “playing along” in order to get along with her old friend if that is what she’s doing. It’s understandable that the BFF would think your wife is also willing to explore a gay relationship since she isn’t drawing boundaries on phone calls, messages, and endearments.

Since they are old friends, a heart to heart talk between the two is in order. Your wife can be supportive without sending mixed signals. She can love her friend without letting her think she is in love with her. She can’t let her BFF think that the way out of her marriage is to hop into a relationship with her. If she wants to leave the marriage, the BFF needs to do so on its merits. She’s in no way ready for a new relationship since she hasn’t dealt with a separation or spent the time and attention necessary to heal from a failed relationship or to come to terms with her own sexual identity. If your wife really doesn’t want her BFF’s attentions, she should put the brakes on now. I worry that BFF is getting obsessive. This could be potentially dangerous if your wife rejects her in the future.

I do sympathize with your wife’s desire to support her friend. When we’ve been friends for a long, long time, we want to really be there during the bad times as well as the good. But I do think she needs to find a more straightforward way to tell her BFF that as much as she loves her, she’s not interested in being in a romance with her and that she is committed to you.

I wish everyone in this difficult situation well.
Dr. Marie

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Best friend stealing boyfriend…bullies at school

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So my boyfriend lives 1,000 miles away from me and I see him three times a year. We are together and everything was absolutely great until three days ago. Three days ago my BEST friend started talking to my boyfriend and now all he does is talk to her…and he called her hot. My boyfriend barely talks to me anymore and when I bring up to him that what he’s doing is bothering me he accuses me of being rude and jealous. The problem is then he says I’m sorry and I love you. I love him too and that’s what is making this painful.

On top of that I just finished a very rough school year. I found out that one of my best friends started doing pot. I approached her and said that what she was doing is not right. She then flipped out on me and said that I was making up lies about her (I caught her smoking pot). She then totally bashed me in front of everyone and turned the entire school against me. Now I have about three friends. They even reported my facebook and now my facebook is locked. The other day at orientation she tried to corner me in the hallway and beat me up. I’m terrified to go back to school now.

I don’t even know what to do now. I feel like my life is falling apart around me and I don’t know what to do about it. My cousin who is like a sister to me is always depressed and I don’t want to end up being like her. Last year she told me that she was going to commit suicide. I stopped her from it and everything was ok again, but whenever I talk to her she tries to drag me down…what do I do?

These are very difficult issues for someone 13 years old to have to cope with. You are getting more than your share of the rough times right now. All of the things you have noted are annoyances that certainly warrant your reaction. None of it seems to be fair.

It sounds to me like you need to deepen your friendship with the three people you are close to as you expand your friendships to new people. I would also find an adult to talk to. The first place I would go is your school guidance counselor. He or she has a lot of experience with exactly these issues and can guide you through them.

You sound like a very responsible and loyal person, and it may be time to protect yourself from those people who aren’t treating you fairly. Stick with your friends that have been there for you, make some new ones to replace those treating you poorly, and talk to your counselor or trusted teacher about what is going on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I’m in love with my best friend

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been in love with my best friend for over a year now. He got his girlfriend pregnant and they’ve decided to keep the baby. At this point it’s completely inappropriate to tell him the way I feel about him. In addition, I feel really guilty having these feelings for him considering his situation. Because of the stress of the baby, he’s been fighting with his girl. He talks to me about her sometimes, it seems that all the qualities she lacks I have. It’s bad because thinking like this gives me false hope. I want to stop being in love with him; I want to stop thinking that things will change and one day we’ll be together. I know its unhealthy to think this way, especially considering the circumstances, but I can’t get over him. Once the baby arrives and I have to see him with his family, I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself. I also don’t want to cause problems between me and his girlfriend but I’m afraid even our friendship already has. He means a lot to me and I know I mean a lot to him, but I need to get over him. I feel the best solution for both of us would be to cut him out of my life, but I don’t want to cut him out of my life, he’s my best friend. What can I do? This situation has been causing me great stress and sadness. Depression has always been a struggle for me throughout high school, but I’ve become a lot sadder the past year over this boy. I’ve tried dating other guys in hopes of getting over him but I can’t seem to find someone else that compares. I feel really lonely too, all the time.

The question to ask yourself is whether you care enough about your friend to let him go. He has made the difficult decision to marry and be a dad when the circumstances aren’t the best. He deserves support for that decision. You’re right that it’s not appropriate to tell him how you feel. It’s also not healthy for either of you for you to be talking negatively about the woman he has decided to be with. He and the mother of his child would probably benefit from some counseling to help them cope with this unexpected change in their lives. Their relationship deserves a chance. Their baby deserves to have two parents if it’s at all possible.

Where that leaves you is grieving the “what if guy” in your life. It’s a real grief. If things were different, something more than friendship might have developed between you two but you’ll never know. It’s important that you give yourself room to grieve. Then it’s equally important to do whatever you need to do to move on. Dating others won’t work as long as you are still holding out hope for your “what if guy.” Your heart isn’t in it. The guys you date sense that you just aren’t into them.

Find a way to take some distance from your guy friend. Wish him all the luck in the world. Then start putting yourself into activities that genuinely interest you where you can start getting to know other guys. Working together is a perfect way to get to know people well without jumping right into dating. You’re not ready for that. But you do need to get busy enough so that you’re not tempted to isolate and get depressed. The antidote to loneliness is to be with other people.

I understand this is terribly hard. I do sympathize. But I also think real friendship sometimes calls for real sacrifice. I hope you will do your grief work and then give yourself the chance to find the guy who is out there waiting for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Frustrating situation

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am stuck in a very frustrating situation. I have a 11 year old with Aspergers. My son has one close friend. This close friend and my son have known each for 4 years.

The struggle is the boys mother. I have seen it all with her. I am no expert, I know she has ‘lost’ all of her friends…other than me. I try to just keep the kids in contact, but she insist on bringing me into her mental state.

Her husband works every day….I have seen her call the police on herself. I know last year she was sent to the ‘psyc unit’ then released after 24 hours. She seemed better for a bit, then it came back. She says a man follows her, spies on her-this goes from sending her emails, to following her to her hair salon, drilling holes in her backyard concrete wall and watching her, she says ‘this man’ communicates thru her NON verbal autistic 16 year old as well. I think that is sick. To use this non verbal child and put him in this situation.

I literally cant take it anymore. I told her if this is true, she needs to call the police or get a order of protection. I told her I have heard this for 4 years. She becomes irrate when I tell her this. “Do not rule me”. She says things one minute, then drastically changes her mind, flies off the handle. She does this not only to me, but my children.

I have told my son, we will make him other friends. I feel so bad for her 16 yr old and 11 year old. All the parents at the school talk about how crazy she is.
Her husband refuses to speak to me about it…he ignores me. I think he too is afraid of her.

She has actually chased me down at my sons school one year in front of everyone because I tried to break the friendship off..

How do I get her to see she needs help? I dont think that is possible, because she becomes so irrate and thinks she is right and nothing is wrong with her. Scary.

Thank you for your time and any advice on how to part with her or help her would help.

Based on your description, the boy’s mother may have symptoms consistent with a psychotic disorder. Please bear in mind that I cannot confidently offer a diagnosis over the Internet. To make an accurate diagnosis, I would have to interview her in person but based on your description of her symptoms, a psychotic disorder is a reasonable conclusion. Believing that she is being spied upon (paranoia) and communicated with (magical thinking) are common symptoms of psychosis.

You find it “sick… that she’s using a nonverbal child and putting him in this situation.” It is important to understand that if she is psychotic, this is not willful behavior on her part. Just as it is impossible to intentionally develop symptoms of cancer, it is equally impossible to intentionally develop symptoms of psychosis. No one chooses to become psychotic.

Having said that, I believe that your concerns are valid. You worry about whether or not her behavior is negatively impacting her child. In addition, you understandably want to ensure the well-being of your child. The boy’s mother is displaying bizarre symptoms and you want your son to be protected. This is perfectly reasonable and understandable.

With regard to your specific question about how to get her to see that she needs help, this will likely be very difficult. It might be better to bring your concerns to the attention of her husband. Let him know about the behavior that you have witnessed and your concerns. As an acquaintance of the family, there is little else that you can do.

One way to assist the family would be to make them aware of resources such as the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI). NAMI is great because they provide much-needed guidance and education for family members who have a loved one with a mental illness. They can also assist families who are trying to navigate the mental health system.

It is a troubling situation for all involved. Mental illness affects millions of people. When a loved one has a mental illness it is not just the individual with the mental illness who suffers but friends and family as well. Hopefully, your friend and her family will receive the proper help. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Angry and I Don’t Know Why

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m incredibly angry all the time, sometimes I don’t even know why. I practically live in the world I’ve made up. I’m currently in therapy for social-phobia but I’m too afraid to talk to my therapists about this. All my life I’ve been making up fantasy worlds, the earliest memory I’ve had of one I must have 3-4 years old and even then the characters have been killing other people or trying to avoid being killed. All my worlds have been incredibly dangerous, filled with people who have gone completley mad and there is no government or rules. I practically live in these worlds, I sit on the couch for 5 hours a day and just imagine them, it’s all I think about in school and on car-drives ( which is a daily thing usually we drive for 1-2 hours ). These worlds are all I care about I don’t currently have any friends, and when I have in the past I’ve never felt like I connected with them and eventually the friendship would just dissolve or they’d be weirded out by something I’d say. For example people usually are freaked out because I think I’m psychic, I just know when something is going to happen instinctively. Another problem I have is my anger. I get so frustrated by what other consider to be little things, a former friend recently began taking my lunch seat ( I’ve sat in the same seat everyday all year and she’d sit next to me ) and whenever she does I get so angry that I dig my nails into my elbow ( so hard that they nearly bleed ) it ruins my whole day. Whenever she and the boy who sits across from me get into a conversation I just feel completely enraged and can’t help but want to set her hair on fire ( though I doubt I ever would ). I’m furious that I have to go to school and have actually considered starting a fire there. I feel like no one can help me figure out why I have these thoughts and I just don’t know what to do. Thank you for your time.

You are very fortunate to have access to a psychotherapist. I receive many letters from adolescents who suffer from a variety of mental health issues but who don’t have or may never have the opportunity to consult a mental health professional. In many cases, their parents “don’t believe” in therapy. In other cases, they may be frightened to request therapy. Many teens suffer in silence. Some live in rural areas where no mental health services are offered or their parents simply can’t afford the cost of treatment.

I would urge you to utilize the mental health services you have access to. You may worry that your thoughts or fantasies may be too shocking. Perhaps you are concerned with how the therapist will perceive you if he or she knows about your fantasies. It’s important to know that therapists are trained to deal with all situations. They recognize that fantasies are just fantasies. What someone fantasizes about doing is not necessarily indicative of how they would behave. In addition, it is common for teenagers to fantasize. It’s actually quite normal.

You have also mentioned that you struggle with anger issues. There are occasions when you feel the urge to harm someone or to light their hair on fire. You “doubt” that you ever would but you need to be certain of this. The most responsible way to handle these urges is to report them to your therapist. The therapist can assist you in developing constructive anger management strategies.

The main problem, as I see it, lies in your reluctance to be honest with your therapist. I would strongly encourage you to report the information that you provided in this letter to your therapist. If you withhold important information, then he or she can’t assist you. Try to be open and honest. The more information you can reveal to your therapist the better he or she can assist you.

I hope this answer provides some guidance for how to handle the issues discussed in your letter. Use the mental health resources you have available to you. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My significant other has friends of the opposite sex that I don’t approve of.

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

In 2002 (I was 17) I met a guy (he was 26) hung out in a group that one night. He was recently divorced after a 7 yr marriage. I got married that same year. Never saw this man again. Until 2 1/2 years ago I was going through a divorce after being married 6 years. We ran into each other. Remembered each other. After getting to know one another, and building a friendship over 5 months, we started a relationship. Been together ever since. I am now 26, and he is 35. I have 2 sons from my marriage. He has no children of his own, but loves the boys like they’re his. And their father has since passed away, so he is now their sole father figure in their life. We have lived together as a family for 15 months. Even recently bought a house together. So, that’s a brief history. For the most part we have a great relationship. The main cause of our problems stems from his friendships with females. One in particular is a girl who he had one night been intimate with, but they’ve always been just friends. She started talking to him again about 8 months into our relationship, and he started going over 1 or 2 nights a week to watch movies with her and her sister and their children. (The sisters lived together) At first it wasn’t a big deal to me. Until one night I found out that without telling me, him and a friend of his picked her up one night and they hung out together, and some inappropriate (in my opinion) stuff happened. I got very upset, and it caused us to argue, and this arguing caused him to walk out, and we didn’t talk for 2 days, and he admits that the night he left my house, he went to her house and stayed all night bc he’d had a few beers. (Nothing happened) Ok. Several weeks later, he has one too many drinks and opens up about that night. He tells me he was upset and was discussing our problems with this girl, and she started crying and said to him: I wish you could love me like you love her. I’ve always thought we’d be good together. Of course this upsets me. So, he continues to communicate with her via texting, but he stops hanging out with her. Then, my ex husband passed away rather tragically. We disagreed about some issues and once again he walked out of my house, and we didn’t talk for 4 days. When we finally talked, we agreed to take a 30-day break, and if we still wanted to be together, we would start over. (We laid out ground rules: no communicating at all, unless it was to say we wanted to move on because we’d found someone else. We didn’t want to be unfaithful to each other. We were still considering us to be together, we were just taking a break to think things through) ok, so the next day we meet up and exchange house keys, etc. When I saw him (we hadn’t seen each other in 5 days) he looked awful. He looked tired, worn out, his eyes were swollen. It was obvious he’d been crying a lot. We hugged, and parted ways to begin the 30-day break. Early the following morning he texted and said he wanted to talk. So, we talked. He cried, and said he felt like we’d proved a point, he knew he didn’t want to live without me and the boys and he asked how I felt, and so we agreed to move forward and continue building our family. Of course I learn he pretty much spent the whole 5 days we were apart surrounded by all his friends including the 1 girl I have a problem with. That very day we get back together we see this girl in a parking lot and he waves at her and she doesn’t wave back. He doesn’t seem to care. Ok. Within the month we move in together. A week or so later we are laying in bed and he starts going through his phone and let’s me see where he had been texting her and getting no response and so he asked if she was mad and she finally responded with: I just don’t like how you handled everything. He says she means she is upset that he chose to stay with me. So, she ends up inviting him to a birthday get together and he declines BC I pretty much said no way. And he made a promise that he would never make plans to see her in person again. A whole year goes by with no communication between them and almost 4 months ago she pops up again and they’ve talked constantly since then. He works for a cable company. So he went to her house and installed cable. That was fine. Then he decides he wants to set her up with a friend of his, so him and his friend go to her house. A couple weeks later I specifically ask him if he has seen her other than those 2 times. He says no he has not. So, He ended up getting a new phone, so one day I looked through his old phone and was able to read text messages. I discovered that over a 4 week period he had hung out with her 4 or 5 times. Of course, 2 of those times I know about, the other time he flat out lied. He says it was all BC he was trying to set his friend up with her. This upsets me very much and of course we argued. Pretty much was going to end things. But, once again talked things through. Let me add that I have no concerns of him physically cheating on me. It’s the emotional part that upsets me. It hurts my feelings knowing that he sits and thinks of her and then feels the need to text her to see how her day is. I’ve expressed this to him numerous times. I understand he knew her years before him and I got together. He has explained to me that in a way she reminds him of his ex wife. She is very small and timid and shy and comes off as being fragile. She doesn’t have a lot of friends and she’s been burned a lot by family and friends. She told him years ago that she felt like she could tell him anything and she trusted him more than she had ever trusted anyone. She has a 3-year-old son. She is a single mom. Apparently the father has never been in the picture. Yes, he admits he feels sorry for her. He cares about her as a person. She’s always been nice to him. He says he can talk to her about anything. He can say anything he wants and if she gets mad, who cares? Because he doesn’t have to live with her. Oh and let me add…I have never met her. One way I described my feelings about the situation to him is: “She needs to find her own knight in shining armor.” Yes. I feel sorry for her. I have a ton of respect for her as a single parent. I know she’s a good mom and a hard worker. Does it make me an awful person to feel like “oh well.”? Not our problem?” I’ve never been a jealous person until all these issues the past 2 years. And once again, I truly don’t feel like he’d ever be physically unfaithful. His friends and family who’ve known him his whole life say the same. He’s been burned several times by unfaithfulness. He has several female friends that were in his life before me. I’ve met them and developed friendships with them. But, not this girl. She has stayed away. And if she does invite him to something she doesn’t include me in the invitation. It just really bothers me. The whole situation. What bothers me the most is the fact that she has expressed her feelings toward him, even crying that she wished he loved her the way he did me? And then he’ll tell me how emotionally unstable she is and she’s fragile and he can’t just kick her to the curb, she’s never done anything to hurt anyone she is one of the nicest people he knows. I feel that by him staying in her life it gives her false hope and if she is as bad off emotionally as he says, he’s possibly setting her up for a huge breakdown. That’s just how I feel. I apologize for how long this is and I hope you can make sense of it. Thanks so much.

What you are saying makes a great deal of sense, and it is very clearly laid out. I believe there is something called a parallel process at issue here. By not giving him an ultimatum and setting a clear boundary, he is not setting s clear boundary with her. The result is that a type of permission and enablement that allows the confusion and ambiguity to continue. What you have now is a relationship based on potential and promise — rather than actuality.

Ask him for exactly what you want, and set limits on what is acceptable and what isn’t. If you want a more committed relationship then you need to ask for it. If his lying about his contact with her is a deal breaker in the future — say so.

Three people in what should be a 2-person drama never succeeds. If you can’t set limits, goals and boundaries with him, he isn’t going to be able to set them with her. Is this an ultimatum? Perhaps. But I prefer to see it as your basic statement of needs.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My best friend is an addict

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello. I have been friend with a guy since grade 6th. We were in the same grade and best pals of each other. Two years back I realized that I love him unconditionally and what all we shared was not merely friendship but I had other feelings for him. First I thought the feelings were mutual and so did all our common friends told me. But when I proposed the GUY, he refused me and said he never felt so. And everybody, including his brother and cousin who are my good friends too, have taken his feelings for me wrongly. He was just a friend to me always and had no such feelings for me. He certainly stopped talking to me. No contacts at all for 8 months. But I still loved him n I still do. I was always concerned about him. So kept a detail about him through his brother and friends but he fought with them too. At a point of time he broke all his ties with everyone and entered a new life.

After almost 8 months he contacted me again and apologized for everything. Within few days we were back to normal of being BEST FRIENDS. He then told me that he had started taking severe drugs (WEEDS) and in past 8 months he got addicted to it badly. Instead of going to the classes, he bunked them and joined a group of dopers. He dopes twice a day, one in the afternoon and the other in the evening. He had once told me about it earlier too when we were best pals. But then he just mentioned he was doing it for fun and just for once. But after we guys broke up, he became used to it. He had one night stands and paid sex too. I knew about this. He was a chain smoker too. After knowing all such details too I have always tried to bring him back to the right path but I too lost my way when he broke up with me.

Now he has exams next month but he has lost himself in this addiction. His dopes keep him unconscious for the whole day and night. I asked him for the reasons for going into such a miserable life. He said he was guilty of what all he did with me and moreover, his family has been pressuring him to take family responsibilities and he is afraid of all this. So he decided to opt for this carefree path. Basically he is behaving cowardly and trying to run from his fears of responsibility. He belongs from an average family with no good facilities. So, he really can’t opt for proper medication or join any rehabilitation centers. And I cannot share anything with any of his family member too. Though, he has now decided to quit these ill habits but he is very weak person. And I cannot be with him all the time to keep a track on him. So I need your help to sort out this problem.

I want him to leave doping forever and to take all the responsibilities of his family but have no clues from where to begin. I just want him to behave bravely and face the situations rather then running away from them. I am really tensed about him. Please help me by giving your valuable situations for how can I help and motivate him. Because one thing is for sure, if he is been motivated and courage, his self-confidence will boost up and he will leave all this crap. Please help me out as soon as possible because this is a really crucial time for him. His exams begin from May2 and he is busy being unconscious for the whole day by doping weed. I hope to get a response soon from u.

Thanks.

I appreciate you asking this difficult question. It is hard to love someone who is addicted. Let’s see if we can sort some things through.

In your desire to help your friend you see his potential. You can’t see what his abilities and capabilities are. But when someone is immersed in compulsive drug use, they don’t fully realize what is happening or what to do about it. You see it clearly and this is what causes the anguish.

The struggle to find a balance between wanting to help and knowing you may not be able to has been experienced by many people before you.

Because you live in another country I am not familiar with the availability of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. These are 12-step meetings for people involved as family or friends of people abusing or addicted to alcohol or drugs.

If there are no meetings I would strongly recommend reading the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. This book specifically talks about how to untangle from this by detaching with love, and focusing on yourself.

The best thing you can do for your friend is to know you are limited in helping him, but that you still care. This requires you to be strong enough to manage your life and continue to grow, while not letting his struggle with drugs become a drain in your life.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Transgender and Lonely

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was born with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, O.C.D. and I am also transgendered. As a result, I was a very difficult child to raise. There was constant fighting between myself and my parents. At the age of ten, I was sent away to an institution for two years. While there, I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. I couldn’t talk to anyone because I had no trust in adults. When I returned home, the same previous problems existed. I was sent away again at the age of seventeen. I felt no love whatsoever and would not until I was 25 years old.

I became involved in the Army during my teenage years to find a family that cared about me. Because of the child abuse that I had suffered, I never dated or learned people skills. Other than my involvement in the military and school, I had no social life. I was a loner with few friends. After college, while working in Australia, I met someone and felt love for the first time in my life. But because of my past and the ADHD, the relationship fell apart after about four weeks. I was devasted and suicidal. For the next fourteen years, I was in and out of hospitals and seeing doctors. I met another person when I was thirty-nine. Again, the same scenery occured.

I am now fifty-four years old, never been married, and extremely lonely. I have now transitioned to become a woman whcih is probably the only bright side of things. I don’t know how to find someone to love or even have a friendship with. I have matured a lot to the point where rejection doesn’t hurt as much as before but it still hurts. I have sought help from psychiatrists but they say that this is not the line of work. I don’t like being alone all the time but it is all I have ever known. I just don’t know what to do.

When Forrest Gump said that Life is like a box of chocolates, you never knoew what your’e going to get, I really identified with it. Except I feel like all I got was the empty box. I keep trying to think positive and I pray often but I just can’t seem to change my life around.

If you decide to respond to this letter, I would be very happy. Loneliness can be a very destructive and debilitating thing in a person’s life.

Thank you for writing. You have already done many courageous things. As difficult as it will be, you can also learn how to make friends and find love. You are lonely because you are so alone. Fortunately you live near a very helpful program. Please consider contacting them. I can’t vouch for the quality of services since I only know of them through their website but it seems like a good place to start.

I strongly suggest that you get involved with some group therapy if it is offered. In a group therapy setting, people try out new behaviors and then get feedback from others who are struggling with similar issues. Group members help each other learn how to be more approachable and how to interact with people more successfully. A trained therapist guides the group process so the situation is safe and supportive.

Putting energy into some self-improvement makes sense. You may well live another 40 years. With sincere effort I believe you will find a group of friends and a loving partner with whom to spend the rest of your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Friendship, Interrupted

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My friend and I are close, but I do think our friendship is coming to an end. I don’t want it to, but then again I do.

He kills animals; I only LOVE them to death… and since he got his underaged girlfriend pregnant (baby is now a couple months old), he’s been acting like he knows everything. He thinks now that he’s a father, he’s suddenly more intelligent and experienced when it comes to life… It really does get annoying, since we’re both such stubborn people! We’re always having little tiffs about each other being the dumber one, or the more immature one (which I’ll admit, we’re both pretty stupid and immature).

Anyway, we’ve been in so many fights and arguments. Some have been serious and some not so serious. We even had a really ridiculous fight over how I like to punch in the buttons on the lids of fountain drinks – because he hates it. That one turned physical, even though he said he’d never hit a girl – and I said I’d never hit a guy.

For the most part, we do get along. We have some common interests, and despite our more severe differences, we’ve lasted as friends for nearly 10 years.

My issue is that he’s done so many things to intentionally irritate me — he even made a disparaging comment about an old pet cat who accidentally “hung” itself in a bush. He taunts me with the abuse of his pets, and when I don’t show any concern (fake apathy), he gets upset. For instance, after having an argument over his mistreatment of animals, he went into his room and did /something/, then came out bragging about having to throw his dog across the room.

Through these ten years, I know he only said it to bug me, but I’ve learned to ignore his jabs most of the time. Anyway, I faked apathy, and said his dog was dumb, and obviously deserved it.This upset him – he was upset that I wasn’t upset. So, he called me out on an old incident where a feline friend of mine had gotten snagged on a loose string from a scratching post outside, and had been hung from a bush.

I was quite ready to shred him to pieces, but I didn’t show it. It was pretty hard for me to brush that jab off, because my mother was horrified when she found the cat, and he knew it.

I’m not sure what your question is but I have to tell you: I wonder why you want this guy for a friend. He is cruel to animals. He picks fights with you. He seems to want to control your emotions. What on earth makes it worth it to hang out with him?

Going only on what you wrote, I think you need to take your distance and find yourself a better class of friend. Length of a “friendship” isn’t enough to justify keeping it. Voluntee

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Mild Paranoia?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, I’m only 16 years old and so I’m not sure how to look at this, whether it’s just being a teenager or something abnormal, I don’t think for a minute I have a serious disease though.

Recently I’ve been noticing my own paranoid behavior mainly to do with my friends and they’re opinion of me and my actions. This certainly comes noticeable when I contact them, via texting, calling, facebooking or just talking face to face. I often feel that maybe they don’t want to be talking to me or that I’m talking too much, to the point where everytime I send a text, or being a conversation in whatever form I just have this voice saying “do they really want to talk to you?” or to the point where I start imagining them receiving the text/seeing the call and just picturing them ignoring it, even if they have a perfectly valid reason for not replying, normally I’d try to just ignore it but then I want to talk to them more ask if it’s me that’s being annoying(which I’ve found out annoys friends) and even to the point where I’ve just stopped talking to these friends for weeks on end to hope that they might value me after the absence, and in some cases can reduce the friendship. I’ve often just walked around school and suddenely get this shock that maybe people are talking about me and that there may be something wrong with me. I’m now stuck with what to do, I can’t continue to talk to friends who don’t want me to just becausing im ignoring something that may be wrong or even right and in the end destroy a friendship.

I did however begin looking up about paranoia on the internet and people were talking of paranoia episodes and it reminded me that I had one when I was about 13 and never twigged it might have been real paranoia:

I was at a holiday activity centre and there was a boy I got on really well with and we both lived close by and cycled but one day he just quit, had enough, then one day he rocked up at the end with his mate and was talking to people and I don’t know why but I had this sudden feeling they were there to beat me up and I became very worried. I told the reps and after about half an hour of me waiting for him to leave they went and talked to him just to distract him, and I cycled home, but I had that feeling all the way home he could come round the corner any minute and I consistently was checking behind me. I was absolutely fine the next day and realised it was silly but for some reason I was very paranoid that day. I have to say something like that hasn’t happened in a while but it was my first experience with paranoia. Thanks very much for your help, George S.

Hi George. I am glad you wrote. It must be difficult to feel that your friends may not like you. It is unpleasant to experience negative feelings. I am concerned that you incorrectly believe that your friends don’t like you. My concern has to do with your self-esteem. It may be that you don’t feel good about yourself and you may be assuming that because you don’t think highly of yourself that other people may not either. The belief that others may not like you may have led you to the point where you have stopped interacting with friends, hoping they will miss you and ask you to join their friendship circle again. If they do not initiate contact with you then you may have taken this to mean they don’t like you. In your mind this may make you believe that you are unlikable.

In reality it may be that your friends believe you have stopped communicating with them because they think you don’t like them. Remember they don’t know what you are thinking or why you’re behaving a certain way. All they can do is react to how you act toward them.

I don’t think you have a “serious disease.” I think in large part your issues may be related to low self-esteem. If you don’t feel good about yourself then it makes sense that you don’t believe that other people will value you.

It would be very helpful if you had someone to talk to about how you’re feeling. You need a mentor or somebody who can offer you advice about how to handle negative thoughts and emotions. A therapist could teach you these skills. A therapist could also help you deal with low self-esteem.

As far as the paranoia incident you’ve described it could have been nothing. As you said after the incident occurred you realized it was silly and it never happened again. As I mentioned above it does not appear that you have a serious disorder. I think you could benefit from a mentor who can teach you how to deal with negative thoughts and emotions more effectively as well as help you gain self-esteem. You should consider talking to your parents about seeing a counselor to help you address these issues. I wish you luck.

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Emotional/mentally abusive relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello. I decided to join this to ask for some guidance. I’ve been in a very emotionally abusive relationship the past year. He has constantly played mind games saying he wants to be with me,communicating, have a relationship,fly or take me places etc then when he becomes angry or just in a “mood” says I’ve basically never been anything to him & he could easily replace me.He belittles me to the extreme, verbally has put me down so many times when he becomes angry over things I didn’t even imply,saying the reason he’s like that is because he was verbally abused by women,etc and I’m just like them.He was constantly pushing for lude sexual acts he knew I was not ok with, he isolated me from my family & loved ones. That I was never to tell anything about our 1st friendship then relationship.He began the relationship I kept telling him no then I admit after all the swooning it happened.

Many would wonder why I hadn’t walked away sooner. the problem is I’ve tried numerous times and he wouldn’t leave me alone. Then would play the guilt card for example if I didn’t reciprocate or do things the way he wanted “Well if you go out of my life then that just shows me your selfish and in it for yourself.” He’s cursed me out many times told me I was selfish when I was trying to tell him how I was feeling which he had said he was open to, egotistical looking for a “title”,told me if he saw me talking to friends about what I was feeling even about the relationship he’d harm me even though according to when he was angry “we didn’t have any real relationship I never did anything to make you think that. I hate relatioships.”

He calls women B’s; has lived his whole life objectfying them. After speaking with him recently he said in a moment of anger that being around him was like “dancing with the devil.” That I was ignorant & stupid. Then tells me I’m mentally ill in need of consouling when he began everything he’ll even admit gleefully to being a “nutty n#$^” & “crazy”. He’s openly deceptive promising one thing then
doing another.

There’s so much more that’ll take too long but basically he won’t let me out & I’ve tried hard. I’ve been pretty broken emotionally by him though he says he’s sorry if I take everything the “wrong way.” That I need to not take it to heart. He’s minipulated me over & over again.

My family doesn’t know they never did, now it appears he’s punishing me for talking forth right by threatening to move away so we wouldn’t see each other; he’s beginning a “new chapter” but will be talking to me..he’s done this pattern before where I’m relieved thinking it’s over so many times but he always comes back calling many times,writing but only when he hears other men are coming into my life plus he has a lot of baggage on me & will use if I walk.

He has tortured me emotionally and mentally. How do I get away from this horrible person that doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me either? I’m afraid he might try to do me espcially after he began threatening me about what I said or did.Thank you very much for your help.

I’m so very glad you wrote. What you are describing is a classic abusive relationship. Please don’t feel bad about yourself for being stuck. It’s very hard to get out of this kind of situation for all the reasons you listed. Your boyfriend is far better at manipulating than you are at deflecting it. You need some help. The YWCA in your city has a strong domestic violence program for women who are struggling to free themselves from abusive relationships. Please call them. You may need a restraining order. The people at the Y likely know how to work with the police and the courts to protect you.

Another source of help is the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. There are counselors there 24/7 who can give you much needed support and practical advice. The website is www.ndvh.org/. There are programs in every state in the United States to help families in which there has been domestic violence.

Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. Please get the support you need to extricate yourself from this dangerous and painful relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Should I Trust My Boyfriend?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My boyfriend kissed another girl in the beginning of our relationship and now i don’t trust him. My boyfriend is a sweet guy. He loves me very much and everyone around us says that its very clear he’s crazy about me. This would be a perfect fairytale if the following wasn’t looming over our relationship: we had sex the very first time we got together at a party in. After that we had sex more often, but he refused to call it dating, or a relationship. This bothered me very much because i really liked him and was interested in more than just sex. Then out of the blue a girl we both knew from uni came up to me and confessed she had kissed him 3 months later. At that time we still were not officially dating, so technically he wasn’t my boyfriend. But it hurt my feelings deeply, and i told him to stay away from me. But he didn’t give up and started perusing me until i talked to him. He showed me that he was very sorry about what he did, and that he didn’t even wanted me to forgive him fully but just to be friends. I forgave him, even tried to make excuses for why he would do such a thing, and we became friends. This friendship turned over Christmas into a relationship. Finally we were official. But I’m not sure i really ever forgave him, because it always plays in the back of my mind that he kissed another girl in a stage of the relationship that he should be crazy about me and not caring about other women. And now, 3 months later, he wants to go on a trip to a far country with this girl from his class for a project. Her mother will go with them because she’s involved in the project, but this girl is extraordinary beautiful. So I have 3 questions: 1. should i let go of the kissing another girl thing because we were technically not together yet, or should i worry that he could do it again? 2. Is my anxiety about this trip justified because he has proven his potential to cheat? 3. What is the best way to behave in this situation?

If I had the opportunity to speak with you in person I’d want to know how long the entire relationship has lasted. I’d also want to know how he “pursued” you to try to get you to forgive him for kissing another girl. Also, what now makes the relationship “official?” Does “official” mean he is willing to see you exclusively? Does it mean that you are a couple? These and other questions would be helpful to have answers to.

Early in the relationship the two of you were having sex but apparently there was a misunderstanding on your part. From your perspective you thought the two of you had more than a sexual relationship. The proof is that you were upset and bothered by the fact that he did not call you on a regular basis. You apparently thought it was more than “sex only.” Your expectations were unrealistic. From his perspective he might have thought since you and he were only engaged in a “sex-only” relationship that it was okay to kiss another girl. Technically in this situation, as you noted, he was not cheating because the two of you were not “official.” Having sex does not equate to a relationship.

I should also note that this situation is unfortunately common among women. They have sex with a man after a relatively short period of time and then are upset when he doesn’t call regularly or does not take their “relationship” more seriously. The truth is that in many cases if sex takes place it was only sex and no real relationship has begun. Some women do not realize this and then are disappointed when the “relationship” does not develop in the manner they think it should. I mention this because it is important to be realistic. Sometimes sex is just sex. If you want more than a “sex-only” connection with someone then it’s best not to begin a potential relationship with sex. It’s better to establish a relationship first and then consider sex later. Doing it this way may weed out the people who only want to use you for sex and have no interest in establishing a relationship with you.

I cannot predict whether your boyfriend will cheat while he is away. At the time that he kissed another girl you and he were not “official.” As I mentioned above, when you and he first met there was a misunderstanding on your part about the status of the relationship. Now that your relationship status is clear (i.e. you and he are “official”) you might have to be less concerned about him cheating. Remember technically when he kissed another girl it was not cheating since you and he were not yet an established couple.

Is your anxiety justified? That is a difficult question to answer. I’d need to know more detailed information about the relationship to determine whether you should be concerned about his behavior on the trip. I’d also need to know other information such as how the long two of you have been “officially” a couple to gauge his potential for cheating. Generally speaking, not many people would be comfortable with the idea of their significant other on a trip with another person. In this situation it may be reasonable and justified to be slightly anxious about their trip together.

As for how you should behave in this situation, generally speaking you should act rationally. You might want to find out whether you could go on the trip too. Does he have to go? You mentioned that another person was attending the trip and I am wondering if that is the only other person going. If you can’t go then that is fine too. Ask him to call you daily. On the phone act as you normally would. Give him the “benefit of the doubt” unless you have reason to suspect otherwise. That may be all that you can do. Thanks for your question.

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