Tag:

gaslighting

Is It His Anger or Am I Crazy?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 11, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My fiance has anger problems. He has hit me, once two years ago because i put frosting on his face. The force bruised my thigh so badly that i had to cover it up for weeks. Recently there has been little things that have made me concerned about his anger again. He has yelled at our child (at the time he was 6 months) because he was crying. He left the room clearly upset because i splashed water on his face. Told him if he didn’t get the stick out of his ass i would put whip cream in his hair and he told me if i did there would be consequences to my actions.

Yesterday he bopped our child (16 months) on the cheek. It wasn’t a hard hit but it was done quickly because the child bit him. To me touching a child’s face as a form of punishment is unacceptable.

I say all that to say that he doesn’t see his anger as an issue. He stated that I am blowing things out of proportion and that “most people wouldn’t say i have anger problems”. I asked him over two weeks ago to go to counseling, he agreed to both anger management and couples- he has yet to set up an appointment. He doesn’t even have a therapist he would like to see. I kind of feel like he is doing a run around and doing chores as an excuse to not set anything up. I have brought it up multiple times and he says he still plans on doing it.

He hasn’t hit me in two years, but the littlest things set him off. Should I be concerned that he is just giving me the run around or am I actually just blowing things out of proportion?

The problem isn’t just his anger. The problem is that the two of you don’t share ideas about what is funny, what is appropriate discipline for a child, or how to get the help you need to become a solid couple and good parents. You are not behaving like a committed team. Yes, he gets angry and got physical a couple of times, which is never okay. But you are doing things that he doesn’t see as funny (the frosting and splashing episodes) and threatening him with more of the same.

You aren’t even acting as a team to find a therapist! Why are you waiting for him to make an appointment? If it’s important to you, get on the phone!

I can’t judge whether he has an anger problem on the basis of a letter. I can suggest that the two of you have work to do if your relationship is to last. I think you know that or you would be married by now. So — See a couples therapist. Commit to sticking with it long enough to get a good evaluation and to make some important changes in how you communicate with each other and how you parent. You both, and your child, deserve better than this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 11, 2024 0 comments

My Boss Insists My First Hand Experiences Don’t Happen

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 3, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the Arabian Gulf: My boss, also a “friend”, has – multiple times over the last couple years – insisted that first hand experiences of mine never happened. She will literally dig in her heels, turn pink and argue with me relentlessly that what I’m saying didn’t happen, despite it being my experience, her not being there, and the issue not being all that important. It’s infuriating. And when I stand my ground she doubles down on her argument, especially if there are staff or her family around. She’s never done it in front of HER friends.

This is far from the only issue. She will lie about her level of knowledge of various issues (she already knows someone I mention – I know though that she doesn’t; or she already knew work info that she clearly was confused about before I explained it). She speaks with complete authority and what seems like absolute belief in her perspective and position. It makes my skin crawl. I could go on and on. But really what I need to know is how to handle her insistence on questioning (in absolute terms) the reality of my first hand personal/professional experiences. It’s the one thing she does by which I actually feel damaged.

You are a highly educated professional woman. It could be that your boss feels threatened by you. She is therefore engaging in what is called “gas lighting”. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse. To gain more power, the abuser makes a victim question her own perceptions of reality, her judgment, and her feelings. Gaslighters keep their victim confused by a variety of methods. For example, they act as if they have the victim’s best interests at heart or they suggest they are the only person who cares or that they are the best friend the victim has. Over time, the constant questioning of their reality and shifting of the relationship gradually wears the victim down.

If this person were a friend or family member, I’d suggest you take as much distance from her as you could. But the fact that she is your boss complicates things considerably. Do start looking for another job. You will never win an argument with her. She is not interested in advancing your career. Regardless of what she says during friendly moments, she is undermining your self-esteem and your belief in yourself.

In the meantime here are some suggestions for what to do:

Stop arguing. You will get nowhere. She needs to be right and she needs you to agree that she is right in order to feel like she is in charge.
Develop techniques to “agree” with her without agreeing. Try sentences like: “You may be right.” “I’ll think about it.” “That’s a really interesting perception.” The goal is to give yourself room to change the subject or leave the conversation without either fighting or giving in.
Find yourself a good support network of people who are not involved with your boss. You need people who can remind you that you are not crazy, that your perceptions aren’t wrong, and that you are an amazing, good person.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 3, 2024 0 comments

My Boyfriend Berates Me about My Past

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 30, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been very good friends with my boyfriend for 15 years. We started dating 2 years ago. Since he was my good friend he knows every single detail about my past. I was very young and dumb and have done a lot sexual experiences with about 25 -30 partners.

Any time we fight, he calls me a pig, whore, slut and even c*nt. He berates me because I cannot give him my exact number of my sexual partners. When we first started dating he took things extremely slow, wanted to wait to have sex. Well, his true feelings about me being a pig etc. has broken me down to the point where I cannot even kiss him. How can someone that loves you speak to you like this?

I confront him and tell him this is abuse. He denies it.

He knows I spent a period alone in a very dark place where I did seek therapy because I was very depressed and my past being one of the reasons. (this was before he and I started dating). I came to realize my past is my past and that’s not who I am today and I am a great person. He knows I went through this and still emotionally beats me down because I am not sad about my past anymore.

My wild past took place approximately 13 years ago. He was not my bf. He has his own gf that he later married and had children with. When that marriage failed we connected.

How can someone talk to someone they love like this? Why does he think this is ok? Do I deserved to be punished for my past?

I want nothing more in my life to have a family of my own. I’m in my mid 30’s and I feel like I will never have that and it breaks my heart.

Please help me. (From USA)

You don’t need his permission to label this as abuse. His verbal abuse has to do with his insecurity, immaturity, and lack of respect for you. This is about his shortcomings — not yours.

If this is the bottom line. If this is how he thinks of you when there is any kind of a conflict, then the real question isn’t how he can talk to you like this and think it’s okay — It is why you allow yourself to stay with him? You do not deserve to be punished for your past, but you are responsible for how you live your future. I’d let him know that if he berates you about your past that you will have to breakup with him. You don’t want to sell yourself short by having a family with a man who thinks so little of you.

If you do break up you’ll want to use some therapy to help with the transition.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

April 30, 2022 0 comments

Do I Confront Wife’s Paramour?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 4, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: After much suspicious behavior, I have ran across evidence on my wife’s phone which proves that she has been having at least an emotional affair with a business associate. I’ve discovered they have had “lunch dates”, and he has professed to love her, but she could not say that in return to him, for whatever reason. I don’t know if these are simply actual lunch dates, or if they go back to his hotel room (he is a traveling representative).

I’ve noticed a change in her grooming/cleansing habits, as well as some other things, but haven’t made a big deal about any of them. At least one of her coworkers knows about this illicit connection, even encouraged it, but that’s a whole different story.

My main concern is getting to the bottom of & putting an end to this. As of right now, my wife doesn’t know that I am aware something’s going on, nor does the other man’s wife, or his employer. My plan was to send a text message stating I need to speak with him either in person/email/text, and unless he wanted his wife to be contacted about the matter, he will not tell anyone I’ve contacted him. I feel like he’d give me more of an honest answer knowing that I hold the key to whether or not his wife finds out.

I’m giving him the opportunity to provide the details/extent of the relationship in exchange for a 2nd chance, with the only stipulation being that he ceases ALL contact with my wife outside of official work correspondence. I contemplated just writing a letter to his employer letting them know what he is doing, fraternizing/philandering while on the job, and just emailing his wife letting her know. But instead of damaging their family unit or causing him to lose his job, which would impact the rest of his family, I could just contact him, and can confront my wife once I have a confession/explanation from him.

I’m willing to forgive her if it ends. I think that getting to the bottom of this & taking it on in this fashion will help me even the playing field a little bit, eliminating her playing victim/gaslighting, and we can both learn/grow from the experience. Am I being unreasonable? Any recommendations on how to word my correspondence with the other guy? Thank you so much for your input.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. Although I agree that it is hurtful and damaging to all concerned for people to have affairs, I don’t think essentially blackmailing the guy with threats about telling his wife or employer is wise. Your issue is with your wife.

You don’t need any corroborating information. Whether or not she is having an affair, your relationship with your wife has broken down and you don’t trust her. That’s more than enough reason to have a frank conversation with her. You don’t need an admission of guilt. You do need to figure out what has happened between you that you even suspect that something is going on.

Blaming, accusing, and threatening is not the way to go into a conversation if you want to save your marriage. Shaming and blaming will only make her defensive. Instead, talk about your hurt and concern. If it’s true, let her know how much she means to you and how you want to retrieve the closeness you once had. Acknowledge that you probably contributed to the situation, even if you didn’t mean to or if you don’t understand how. Suggest that the two of you go to some couple counseling to see what can be done to repair your relationship. Unless she has already made up her mind to leave, that approach could open a new chapter in your marriage.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 4, 2021 0 comments