Tag:

Gay

I Can’t Stop Cutting

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 30th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So, ever since I was a wee-little lad, I have been in Dance classes, and I enjoy it! Just Because I prefer “dancing” over “football”, according to everyone in my school: I’m gay. When I got into 6th Grade, the bullying started getting really bad. People were messing with my head, and I started to get really depressed. I remember my first time cutting. I used a razor in the shower. The release felt amazing- and it helped me totally forget about all of the emotional pain that had been building up inside of me for however many years. Ever since that first time cutting, I feel like I am “addicted” to cutting or something. Now, whenever I get tripped in the hallway at school, get into an argument with my mom, or EVEN if I get angry over the stupidest things. It’s gotten to the point, where most times, I don’t even have a reason to do it. I just do. My scars are really visible, as are the newer cuts (that I’ve done in the past couple of days). It’s confusing, because I keep trying to tell myself that I want to stop, but my head keeps on telling me that It’s okay. It’s really dangerous because it REALLY works, and it is the ONLY way I know how to deal with my problems, and cope with my past. I get bullied all the time at school, which only adds more stress, and makes me cut more. I have been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, but I think I have depression. My mom knows I used to cut, but she thinks I stopped a year ago. Little does she know. My cuts are getting deeper every time I do it now. She told me (back when she knew I was doing it before) That if she found out I was doing it again, she would send me to a Psych ward. I just dont know what to do anymore. Please Help.

Thanks,

I can understand the struggle and deeply appreciate you talking about this and sending your email. The most important thing I can say is that a “psych ward” isn’t what is needed. You are clearly a bright and talented student who has been struggling to find a way to cope with his pain, and what I can tell you is there are many other ways of coping that won’t put your well-being at risk. You are not familiar with these ways, but a good therapist will be. Ask your mom about going to talk to a therapist about how you are feeling. That is the truth, and my guess is she will honor your request. Then tell the therapist everything you explained here and you and he or she will make a plan for coping from there. Many teenagers and young adults have found alternative to cutting that have proven to be helpful. My hope is that you will too.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

July 30, 2021 0 comment

Isolated, Low Self-esteem, And Want To Come Out To Family

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW April 28th, 2019

written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I’ve felt empty and isolated for a long time. I feel as though I haven’t been truly happy in many years and will be stuck this way forever. I haven’t enjoyed my teen years like I’m supposed to.

I’ll be starting college in two months, and would like to get back on track and start over in life, but it just seems impossible.

Each best friend I’ve had throughout my life has ended up moving away. This happened four times. My last and closest friend (who was like a brother to me) moved away shortly before high school started. I later found out that he had wanted to leave.

Well, after he moved away, I never really made true friends during my four years of high school. I’m very shy in social situations which makes things more complicated. I didn’t feel like I had anyone to rely on but myself. I spent most of my time after school alone. Additionally, my parents had marital problems throughout high school and got divorced several days after my graduation.

I live in a rich, conservative, religious place and had to hide being gay during high school because of my low self-esteem and a lack of trusted friends. I worried that people would be disappointed/disgusted if i told them. I also had to abandon my religion which I once trusted. Worst of all, I had to create and act out a fake straight-person identity, and never developed a real identity for myself. I don’t even feel like myself most of the time. I’ve never been in a relationship whatsoever, which hurts my self-esteem further. Often, I feel sad/dead/empty on the inside, no matter how little it shows on the outside.

Additionally, for three months during my junior year, I would suddenly get dizzy/lightheaded, over-heated, shaky, and feel extremely nauseous about ten times a day. It lasted maybe 15 minutes each time. It seemed to be a mental thing because it only happened when I was in a non-relaxing setting. However, I was mostly able to ignore it, so I never saw a doctor or told anyone. Eventually it stopped happening, except on rare occasions.

The only thing I’ve managed to achieve in the last four years is good grades. I still haven’t told anyone I’m gay either. I want to tell my older brother and sister because I’m closer to them than anyone else. Hopefully it will happen before the semester starts.

For the future, what I want more than anything is to be a valued member of a group of friends rather than just an extra, disposable person. And I also hope to gain enough confidence to have a relationship and be open about myself, not hate myself, and feel normal again.

Could there be something wrong with me or my life that could be causing all of this? Also, how can I learn to forget the past and start new during college?

Thanks so much for writing in. How very painful to feel like you’ve never really been able to develop your sense of self, and openly explore and express who you are inside. Your parents’ marital instability and divorce likely didn’t help you to feel safe either. The dizziness and shakiness you described feeling during your junior year of high school sounds like anxiety, which is very understandable, given all of the stress and isolation you were holding inside.

Have you ever worked with a therapist? If not, I highly suggest it. “Forgetting the past” isn’t necessarily the goal of therapy. It is possible for you to process your experiences and make sense out of them in a way that allows you to move forward in your life. Your therapist can also help you develop healthy relationships and explore the best way to come out to your family. The great thing about becoming an independent adult is that you can define your life on your own terms, and seek out relationships that support who you are, and who you want to become. If you need help finding a therapist who specializes in working with GLTB issues click here. Also, check with the student services department at your university for support groups for gay students to help you know that you’re not alone, and to help you find groups who are struggling with similar challenges.

Thanks again for your courage in writing in for help. Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

October 15, 2011 0 comment

I don’t fit anywhere

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 17th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

(forgive me for the spelling, english is not my first language) I come from a good family, I have always been successfull at school, sports and verry popular with girls (although i had no interest in them). I grew up with everything i needed to be happy. However, I have never felt close to anyone. I have been in contact with a lot of nice people in my life, some that i can call friends, but i never felt at ease with them. My parents told me recently that when i was verry young I was always playing alone, even when other children were around. I don’t know why, but I have never felt comfortable with people, and with the world around me.

I have recently told my family that i was gay (a thing that i always knew inside of me). Everything was ok with them, they love me for what I am. I tought it would be good for me to say it, but everything is worst with me now. I have lost even more interest in people around me. I DEEPLY HATE the way the world is working, I have lost all interest in school, sports and most of my remaning ‘friends’. I wake up at noon every day, wishing I could fall back to sleep and stay in my dreams. I can’t sleep at night because I end up crying in my bed asking why did I end up like that. I don’t even know what I like anymore. I would rather throw up than go to work. I want to find another job or study another subject, but the more I think about it i just find out that I really have no interest in anything. I just feel like I am body without a soul.

I have always been alone, I have everything to be happy but I can say that I have never been in my entire life, and now I can’t see any future for me. I tought I might be depressive or something, but I am not sure. I have always been like that, things just got worst throught my life. I don’t think a pill or a treatment will make me like this world or people around me.

Am I normal?

Yeah. I think you’re a normal guy going through a real hard time. On the one hand, it feels good to be “out” to family who love you for you. On the other hand, you know that the world at large still has a ways to go before sexual orientation is a non-issue. Your emotional state makes complete sense to me. It sounds to me like you need some mentors who can help you figure out how to be truly yourself and live happily with others.

You are lucky to live in a city that has an organization that can offer the support and practical help you need. Contact the Canadian Association for Education and Outreach. Among other services they offer is GayLine at 514-866-5090. From their website: “Our mission is to provide a high quality free and confidential help and information telephone service in English for gender and/or sexual minorities. ” They talk to people about issues like these:

Coming to terms with your sexual orientation
Coming out to friends and family
Dealing with loneliness
Problems finding lovers and friends
Contemplating suicide
Discovering that your child, partner or friend is gay
Getting information about safer sex and AIDS
Working out problems in your relationship
Surviving conjugal violence
Handling discrimination and violence related to homophobia

You made an important first step in contacting us here at LifeHelper. Please find the strength to make a call.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 5, 2011 0 comment

Gender Confusion

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 18th, 2019

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am currently in a situation that I believe needs serious attention to. I am a 18 year old male who first had thoughts questioning my gender when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I remember when I was playing with my friend she use to let me wear some of her clothing, and the first time she let me, I remember that moment as feeling comfortable in clothes that seem to ‘suit’ me. And so after that I would dress up as a girl every time I got to spend time with her. (Which was almost everyday). But just as this feeling of happiness seemed to have settled, I had to move due to my families economic troubles. After moving, I never really had a home to call home because every 1-2 years we had to move, which in turn, made me an introvert. (which is still continuing). At this point I gave up on reality and myself, but for some odd reason I am still fascinated by reality. Reality, to me, in the philosophical sense, gives me the ability to cope with this ‘depression’ of my gender, that, as well as dreams. But me trying to cope with these feelings quickly wore off…And as my teenage years approached I began having lucid dreams of being a girl. (Being still in my teenage years, I always thought that this was a condition reserved to the adolescent simply because of the questions of myself to reality, visa versa). In these dreams I would be in a 1st person view looking down at myself and interacting with the created projections in my dreams. Until one day I had one of the most realistic lucid dreams I could ever have. I was looking at myself in a mirror for the first time and had an over whelming sense of peace come to me, unfortunately I had to wake up for school. Now each and every time I awake from these dreams I would cry just to feel happiness that was brought to me in these dreams. (Lasted from 12 to present time). Since then it’s been hard to live in my body without feeling annoyed and depressed with my male attributes. It’s become an increasing difficulty for me to sleep and have an appetite for food…I have brought this to my parents attention (no friends on the account that I try and no one seems to want to know me, visa versa). Unfortunately, my parents always seem to “forget” my want for a therapist and/or psychotherapist even after the countless times of reminding them. (I believe it’s because of our finances). I understand that this is a difficult matter to both me and my family. Also, recently I have been forgetting things I would normally be able to remember, it has gotten to the point where it’s hard for me to remember if yesterday as even existed…I would be extremely thankful if you could provide advice on how I should continue.

Don’t stop reminding your parents that you want to see a therapist. Have a serious conversation about the fact that you need help. If finances are an issue, then suggest that they take you to a community mental health center (CMHC). CMHCs provide cheaper mental health services. They often charge a sliding scale fee. A sliding scale fee is based on an individual’s or family’s’ income. This essentially means paying what you can afford.

It seems as though you might have depression and it may be getting worse. As you indicated, it’s becoming increasingly difficult for you to sleep. There is a decrease in your appetite. You noticed a change in your mood. You’re also experiencing short-term memory loss. These are all symptoms associated with depression. The depression is likely related to gender confusion.

There are others who also feel they were born the wrong gender. Like you, their longing to be the opposite gender began as a child. Some experience this urge so strongly that as adults they undergo major surgery to change their assigned sex. Transgender is the generic term used to describe individuals who do not feel comfortable with their assigned sex. Transsexual is the general term used to describe individuals who have undergone gender reassignment surgery.

I would recommend reading educational material about transgender issues. The public library is a good place to start. You can also search the Internet for “transgender resources. ” The Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD) website has information that you might find helpful.

I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

May 3, 2011 0 comment