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How to Help My Bipolar Daughter Make Better Choices

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. My 47 yr old daughter is Bipolar and about to get sick at this time because her son plans to study in Germany. My 47 year old daughter was diagnosed Bipolar some (7) years ago and had about six episodes mostly triggered by heavy load of work in the office. Her husband and our family have counseled her not to take too much load and to this date, she has accepted that she cannot afford to work more than she should, in order to prevent episodes. However, last month, her only son who is 20 years old expressed desire to study in Germany for (1) year and being a mother who would do anything for her son, she together with her husband agreed to shoulder the cost despite their financial difficulty, and right now, she got sick again. Our family analyzed the reason why she got sick and we can tell it’s because of the financial aspect coupled with emotional aspect. This is actually her situation: (1) they are not realistically able to tackle the financial responsibility for the entire year of his schooling because her 64 husband who was injured is not earning enough as a salesman (2) She has to take out $18,000 from her 401K which leaves her with only $22,000 if she does. In addition, her husband does not have a 401K and currently does not have a life insurance. Ergo, she will have the financial burden for as long as her son is in Germany.

We are thinking maybe in the back of her mind, she is worried if they can really afford to take care of it for the whole year. We explained to her that the fee for the tuition and the lodging is just a part of the expenses…that the incidentals and maintenance for the whole year will be a lot especially that the Euros are very high presently. But like I said, being a mother, she agreed to take on the responsibility, and that is why she started to get sick. What can I do to convince her to say No to her son ? That her worry about the financial responsibility is the one that triggered her getting sick again ? She does not seem to accept the reality. I want to find out from a professional therapist if I am right in assuming so. I would appreciate very much for any answer or advice you can give me.

I think you see the truth very clearly in this situation but your daughter does not. Trying to get her to think about this matter correctly and logically is something you can try (and it seems like you already have) but she still may not listen.

You are correct when you note that it is not a good idea to essentially go into financial debt so she can send her child to Germany for a vacation. This is not a wise parenting decision. But in her specific instance, it’s not only a bad idea financially but mentally for her, it can lead to a relapse.

All you can do is try again to make your case. But once you have made your case and she still is not interested in taking your advice, you must stop. There are several reasons for this. One is because you will be wasting your time and energy. You cannot “make” anyone take your advice, no matter how good the advice is or how right you are. Also, you do not want to risk adding further stress to the situation because as you mentioned she has bipolar disorder, and the increased stress may expedite a disorder relapse.

Try your hardest to make your case but stop when it is clear that she is not interested. I know it’s difficult to sit on the “sidelines” and watch someone you love make poor choices that clearly are detrimental but unfortunately it might be all that you can do. Thanks for writing.

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Always Expect to be Left

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a sixteen year old female and throughout my life, I have moved cities very often and been to 6 different schools in 11 years of education due to my father’s career choice. Because I have moved around so much, it is very hard for me to make close friends now and to generally trust people. I don’t like making close friends because all I’ve ever known was that people always leave and they don’t keep their promises. I have no true friends that I’ve known for a while. I also have a hard time expressing my emotions such as sadness or pain to others. I’d rather keep everything to myself. How can I change this? I would really like to allow myself to become close friends with the friends I currently have.

Additionally, whenever I feel like I am getting too close someone, i tend to try to ruin the friendship by being over-bearing and acting on impulses. I would really like to know how can I let myself get close to people without feeling the need to shut them out and to pull away

What you are describing is very common in teens who have been moved about a lot because of a parent’s job or service in the military. It’s hard to settle into a friendship when you know you may be moving in a year or two. Many kids protect themselves from the hurt of leaving by never connecting. Sadly, that strategy means that you never get to have the kind of intimate friends that every teen wants and needs.

The good news for you is that you are part of the media generation. It used to be that once a family left town, it would be rare for young people to see each other again. Now, thanks to Skype, Facebook, and email, it’s really easy to keep in touch and for relationships to continue to develop even if you move 1000 kilometers away. Media contact can help you bridge the distance until you can arrange a shared holiday visit. I know of many friendships and several romantic relationships that are functioning this way very well.

Whether you get closer to the friends you have is a decision. It won’t happen automatically. It won’t happen because of fate or because the stars align in some particular way. You’re going to have to do things a bit differently. That means taking some risks with your feelings. It means letting others see who you really are. Yes, you’ll sometimes get hurt. That’s part of having relationships. But nothing hurts as much as loneliness and isolation.

Trust your instincts. Choose a couple of people who you know in your heart are kind and friendly. Then start slowly letting them get to know you. Keep it light at first. Find ways to have fun together and to talk about things that are important to you both. As you get more comfortable, open up more. If you do, I think you’ll find that it will feel more and more natural. You just have to do it enough to get yourself used to being closer. At 16, I’m reasonably sure that you have what it takes to work on it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Deceived By a Married Man

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I was deceived by a married man for 2 years. I met a guy 2 and a half years ago he was married when I met him but separated his wife had gone back to Germany where she was from and he and I really fell for each other we dated for 2 years and then I decided that we should take a break because he had done 2 tours in Iraq and I felt he needed to deal with some of the stuff he went through over there before we could move forward I told him that I loved him very much and that I would wait for him. We kept in touch, and always talked about getting back together. One day I was searching on the internet and I found his wife’s Myspace page from the looks of it she wasn’t in Germany and never had been it talked about living here with her wonderful husband and that they were planning on having another baby this year. I did more digging and found a mound of evidence that she was here the whole time and not only that I believe there were other woman he was with as well. I’m so devastated how could I be so stupid for over two years? I was and am despite everything still so in love with him we are no longer talking but how do you make love just go away it may have been a lie to him but it was real to me. I almost don’t want to be alive anymore I just can’t get over the lies and deceit. Honesty is so important to me and he knew that. How do I move past this and stop obsessing? He told me everyday how in love with me he was and how we would get married he talked about buying a house together. I believed everything he said how will I ever know the difference between truth and lies again?

When you say that you want to stop obsessing I am not sure what you mean. Are you obsessing over the fact that you had been lied to in such a bold and outright manner? Are you obsessing about how you could have believed his lies or how he got away with lying for two years? I am not precisely sure what you mean by “obsessed.”

It’s never easy to end a relationship with someone you love. Yes he is married but I’m sure that doesn’t change how much it hurts. I am sorry you’re having so much difficulty with this loss.

Don’t blame yourself for his lies. Throughout your letter you refer to yourself as stupid. You are not stupid. In addition, you did eventually come to find the truth. Give yourself credit for being brave enough to seek the truth and accept it.

It’s never a good idea to date a married man or woman. It’s very common for the married person to say they are going to leave their spouse but they don’t. Often they have no intention of leaving their spouse. Unfortunately you are directly experiencing the hazards of dating a married man.

If you do enter a relationship with a married individual you need to have the right expectations. You are learning the hard way not to expect a married individual to leave their spouse. Expect that the relationship with a married individual will usually be short-lived and non-serious. The only “safe” time to consider dating an individual who is still legally married is when they are nearing the end of a divorce. That might be the only time when you can be sure they are truly ending their marriage.

I know it’s not going to be easy to overcome the loss that you feel. But at least you know the truth. Realize that finding the truth saved you from continuing a relationship with a man who was willing to cheat and lie. I hope that you realize that no one is worth harming yourself for. I would encourage you to try to move on. You can overcome the loss you feel and it will get easier with time. If you have difficulty and still feel like harming yourself I’d strongly consider seeing a therapist. I wish you luck.

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Depressed?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I think I may be getting depressed. Since my divorce five years ago I have been single with only a couple of casual encounters. My ex was alcoholic and mentally very abusive (not physical) also my childhood was quite abusive with a violent father and a mother (both of whom have died) who was depressed (due to the violence.) Also I have a physical condition called brittle bones, which resulted in me having many broken bones as a child and missing years of schooling. After university and having largely overcome my physical condition I went overseas traveling (in part to test myself and in part to get away from family.) I ended up in the US and married the first person that seemed to care and love me. When I did finally leave my husband after trying to make the relationship work longer than I should I was at breaking point mentally – life held no joy, I was in a low paid menial job and felt that I lacked ability to find something better, that I had no friends and that I was utterly unlovable (my mother told me as a child that she feared no one would love me.) I decided to take a year out and look after myself I went into counseling which was a rewarding and healing experience if very confronting and at time harrowing. I realized that I did have friends who cared for me and as the healing process continued I made many more and feel truly blessed to have these people in my life. My job situation did not improve and after being turned down for another promotion I decided to take time out have a think and see a bit of the world, I spent some months traveling which was mostly wonderful. I returned to the US for the best part of a year and found work with a large company who valued me. I came to realize that as much as I loved my friends in the US I did not have a family and no relationship (and no real hope of one.) I decided to move nearer to my siblings (all in the UK), as with both our parents gone we are all we have. Not wanting to live in the UK I relocated to Germany where I had some friends and as a means of earning money trained as an ESL teacher. Teaching has been a revelation – I never expected to enjoy it but I find it so very rewarding and am motivated to make a go of it and have a two year plan for experience and training (the first time in my life I’ve had such a thing.) My problem is I feel overwhelmingly lonely, when I arrived a friend (who I had feelings for) confessed that he had feelings for me and we began a relationship after two weeks he told me that he changed his mind and didn’t want to continue (but never told me why.) I cannot get rid of the feelings of rejection and that I am doomed never to be or even experience a loving nurturing relationship and that there must be something wrong with me. Despite relocating my relationship with my siblings is almost non-existent – they have made no effort to visit me or reply to my emails. My two sisters are not on speaking terms which meant when I did visit them I had to choose who to see and when, as ever I made the wrong decision and no one sister is not talking to me and the other if she does contact me talks mainly about what is wrong with the other. My brother is the only one of my siblings who even asked about my time in Germany. I feel so lonely and unloved that I often cry (I never realized how much a person can cry.) I have made some other lovely friends since my arrival but as ever they have their own relationships and, well Saturday’s nights and weekends generally are just lonely. I do enjoy the delights of my new home – the museums, art and beauty but it’s always alone. I am at the point where I cannot bear to see people in love (which you see a lot of in Europe!), as it is just a reminder that no one loves me. I know a relocation such as I have undertaken would involve periods of loneliness but I am worried that I may be falling into something more. I don’t seem capable of taking joy in my achievements – relocation, finding a job so fast, finding a beautiful apartment etc. At present I feel as if I could disappear and no one would notice. I am unable to seek counseling here as at present I am only on a part time wage so would welcome any advice you could give me. I apologies as I fear I have taken more than the 400 guide.

Kind regards.

Give yourself some well-earned credit. There are two primary forces that motivate us in our lives: moving away from pain, and moving toward well-being. You have been able to move away from what was unhealthy. This is a major and essential ingredient in being able to move toward what you want.

In the past counseling was helpful, and I suspect it will be helpful again. You may want to look for both an individual and group therapist. The advantage of adding group therapy is that you will be able to get feedback and learn from many others in the group.

You have proven to yourself that you can flourish when the right conditions are present. The work now is for you to find the right conditions for your growth. Making new friends, engaging in the process of therapy, and finding a creative outlet will be important ways for you to grow.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My mother never recovered from divorce

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My parents got divorced in 2004. My mother has never recovered, she has severe mood swings, i think she may be bipolar.
When I was six years old in 1998, my father moved our family to Germany because he was in the army. I had an amazing childhood. When I was twelve in 2004, my father had to go to Iraq. My mother thought it would be best if she moved my brother and I back to the U.S., where we would have family support. I was very depressed because my dad was my hero and I blamed my mom for everything that went wrong. I felt like no one understood me, mostly because we live in a very remote and rural part of the state. When my dad came back, he wanted a divorce from my mother. A few years earlier, my mother had to have surgery on her hip. my dad left her in the hospital and met a woman at a bar. They hooked up and my mom was devestated. But he promised he’d never do it again.

Well as it turns out, he was divorcing my mother for that same woman who had kept in contact with him throughout the years. My mom, even then, wanted him and would have taken him back. She was so depressed. She wouldn’t get out of her bed for days, all she did was eat. She is currently over 270 and she would be so beautiful if she could lose weight. We have moved to several states just trying to escape our problems. I’m getting ready to go to college and I got a scholarship to pay for my tuition but not my room and board so my mom said she’d move there with me. But for the past few years, she has literally acted fine one second and crazy the next. She gets mad over the tiniest things and then she blames my brother and I for making her feel worthless and miserable. Then the next morning she’ll say she’s sorry and she loves us soooo much. It it tearing my little brother to peices and I am so nervous sometimes that I can’t sit still.

I’ve tried to tell her that she needs some therapy and she just blows up. She’ll say ” Your just like your dad and you make me miserable, I know you hate me, I’m sorry I bend over backwards for you to have a good life, Etc…” She’s recently started calling me a b–, and I asked her why she would do that? She says she says it because that’s how I act? I am grouchy sometimes, I’m not perfect, no one is but I am so extremely stressed. My little brother is constantly getting stomach ulcers from stress. It’s making all of us physically ill. What should I do?
Thank you so much for you time!!!

I’m very, very sorry you and your family are going through such a hard time. I’m very glad you wrote. You are carrying far too heavy a load for a high school student. I can tell that you are very worried about your brother’s welfare as well as your own and your mom’s. You were right to ask for some help.

It sounds to me like your mother’s behavior may well be because she has been unable to fully grieve her marriage and move on. She is stuck in anger, sadness, and bitterness. Terrified that she is somehow at fault, she looks for someone else to blame. Then she comes to her senses and apologizes. I’m sure she does love you and your brother. But her distress is bigger than even her love for you. That gives us some idea of how big her pain is.

You mentioned that your family moved back to the states so you could have family support. Now is the time to ask for some. Do your relatives know how bad it is? Is there someone who can take on caring for your mother and brother so you can go off to college without them (and without feeling guilty)? Do relatives have other ways to provide you all with some practical and emotional assistance?

If you don’t have relatives you can confide in, I encourage you to enlist the help of your school counselor or some other adult you trust. You all could use some family therapy to help get the family back into balance. Your mother needs help. You and your brother shouldn’t be trying to hold the family together on your own. You all need support as you learn how to function as a family of 3. If your mom won’t go, do go yourself. A therapist will help you find resources for your family and will help you figure out what to do next. Look into whether you are covered by insurance. If not, ask your doctor or school counselor to help you find a free mental health clinic or program for teens.

In the meantime: If things get really tough and you need someone to talk to, the counselors at the Boys and Girls Town Hotline are available 24/7. The service is free. Their number is: 800-448-3000. Here’s the website.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend has Overinvolved Mother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been dating this guy for 10 months and to be honest although it has been rocky(he was drunk and cheated on me once in the summer, one night he was too drunk and ended up sleepwalking in my apartment and saying things that were very hurtful), normally he is one of the nicest people I have ever known. He has also had down periods where he wasn’t sure he liked his job and was a little depressed. Through it all I forgave him and tried to help him through all of it.

Since October things have gotten really complicated. His sister moved out of his parents house(where he also still lives he is 23, I am 27), since this time his mother has set all of her focus on him. When he is not at home she is always calling to see where he is. Saying she wants to hold him in her arms. I stayed with them at christmas(because I am living in germany and couldn’t go home this year) and she was coming into his room tucking him into bed. He has no responsibilities at home(laundry, cooking, etc.) She does everything for him.

About a month ago, she had an hour long talk with me while he was still working. Telling me that I should think if I really want to stay in Germany and what I want for the future, because she doesn’t want me to hurt her son. Since this time she has talked to him everyday about leaving me because ‘what if we got married had kids and I ran off to america with them’, or that what will he do when I just up and leave without saying anything to him.

I have noticed a strain on our relationship and everytime I wanted to talk to him about it he ignored it and didn’t want to talk. Until last Sunday. He was talking to me and said that he has been thinking a lot about ending things with me because he is not sure he is the right guy for me and he doesn’t know if he still loves me(and all the stuff his mother told me in our conversation). So he was ending things to me.

Well two days later he comes over with a list of things that have been bothering him(same things he said on Sunday) except this time that his family didn’t think I was good enough for him. I told him it was all pretty crystal clear and we should end things and he went on to say how he wants to fight for our relationship and love. As much as I love him, I am scared to death to stay with him. I mean if he already thinks he’s not the one after 10 months then it is pretty much over isn’t it? I also have no chance against his family and to be honest I can’t see myself going over to his house anymore because I will feel very uncomfortable. I love him and our time was great together, but I don’t know if it is wise to give it another chance.

The last 10 months have been a rollercoaster and I have forgiven him for things a lot of other people wouldn’t be able to. Just because his mother is scared of him moving in with me and leaving her I am getting the short end of the stick. Is it worth all this pain?

Probably not. You do understand that the problem is not your boyfriend’s mother. Yes, she is overinvolved with him. But she could not do things like tuck him in at night and do his laundry if he didn’t let her. At 23, it’s not that unusual for a young person to be struggling to establish new boundaries with his or her parents. But you are well out of that stage. He’s still in the thick of it. You are living independently, far from home, navigating a different culture. He is still in his parents’ home, living like a teenager.

My vote is that you take a huge step back. Get to know people your own age who are establishing themselves in their careers and in their adult lives (and doing their own laundry). However much fun your guy may be at times, he can’t give you the mature love you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Too Embarrassed to See a Therapist

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. I am not sure what’s going on. I entered the mental health system so to say in 7th grade when I was diagnosed with depression. I was seeing a therapist in response to self injury. I was put on medication but barely took it. as when I started to make friends at my new school things got better. than things were great. I didn’t cut myself for 2 or so years. 8th and 9th grade were awesome years. I went away to Germany for 5 months and then came back where I found things had changed a lot, but I adapted and got used to it. This past summer I started cutting myself again and at the end of the summer I had this weird alchohol induced psychotic episode where I just went crazy and started trying to hurt and kill myself. luckily I had a friend who came over. My friend and his mom came to try and calm me down. They said I was mentioning someone named sid and that he was in my head and I had to do what he said. I had never heard of a sid and thought this must be a joke or a lie. Well I got sent to a psychiatric hospital for 4 days where I was put on meds for bipolar disorder. they made me worse. I got out stopped taking them and things were better.Except as time went on the character Sid started becoming more real. Over the span of a month or a month and a half he started coming in a little stronger until I could eventually hear and talk to him. Around this time a lady started talking to me too named Alea. I remember I had once talked to her a couple times when I was younger and in 7th grade but didn’t think much of it. So now I have these two people living inside me. or at least that’s what it feels like. Like two different people with their own thoughts and beliefs on things. Sometimes different from my own. They talk to me about things. Sid says he’s there to help and watch over me and do what’s necessary to help me. Although I think his motives are inappropriate and don’t agree with them. Alea I like a lot better. She’s always there to calm me down and give me advice. Its nice. Along with these two emerging I’ve also been zoning out a lot. Forgetting things I normally should know. Not noticing things. Reality looks different sometimes. One time I walked out in the middle of the street without realizing there were 3 different cars driving around on it.

Now I have no idea what’s going on, but the only reason I’m concerned is because a couple of times these experiences have put me in some type of danger one way or the other. And at times I wonder if Sid will ever take full control. Or maybe he’ll just back off. Its really hard to say. They only come through on their own time. I read about psychological disorders because of my interest in psychology. I’ve read about Dissociative identity disorder since it has many of the symptoms I’ve been experiencing. but i haven’t really been abused as a child. The only thing that’s happened is my dad died when I was 6. Please help. I’m not sure what to do…and am too embarrassed to talk to a therapist.

Please do not be embarrassed to talk to a therapist. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You’d consider a personal fitness trainer if you needed help getting your body in shape for a marathon. You would not feel embarrassed to hire a trainer for your body. Think of a therapist as a personal trainer for the mind. There really is no difference. They are both smart decisions.

There is unfortunately a stigma still attached to the act of seeking help. Some people feel that they are being “weak” if they have to ask for help from others. These commonly misheld American cultural beliefs are unfortunate because they can effect one’s decision to seek help. The end result in many cases is that people who desperately need help do not get it and they continue to suffer.

One should seek help if he or she is suffering or feels that their life is out of control. The truth is that the person who seeks help when they are suffering is better off than the person who stubbornly refuses to seek it because of pride. The person who seeks help often receives it and can move on with their life. With the aid of therapy, one can learn to reconstruct their thinking and behavior in a way that is much more psychologically healthy. This is the path you should consider.

With regard to dissociative identity disorder (DID), there is no specific “history of abuse” criterion. It is true that people who have been diagnosed with DID are more likely to have been abused but people who have not been abused can also be diagnosed with the disorder. There are also many cases of people with DID who have no recollection of being abused and later learn or remember that they were in fact abused. There may be other causes of DID that are not related to a past history of abuse. What this means for you is that you could still have DID even though you have no memory of being abused.

The bottom line is this: you are having significant symptoms that are majorly interfering with your life. You said you feel out of control. You feel that other people are taking over your life and you’re not sure if these people are even real. You are experiencing memory loss, black outs and you wound up in the middle of traffic and could not recall how you got there. It is time for you to seek help before you have a complete mental breakdown in which you end up hurt or in the hospital. Don’t believe conventional wisdom that says you should be able to fix your problems on your own. When help is needed be wise enough to recognize it. Now is the time.

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