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Unappreciated by Mother

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My grandmother passed away this week and had been in the hospital for 5 days, stroke, spent days at hospital and mother took nights.  Sister went on vacation. Grandmother passes and now I’m helping my mother with funeral, apartment, etc…. mother tells me she now wants to take my sister on a trip around the world, short little vacations, and rent an RV so she, my sister and my sister’s husband can travel down the pacific coast hwy. Always knew my mother didn’t love me, just put up with me.  She calls my sister her precious angel and me her worker bee. Says she’s sorry it’s that way but that’s the way it is.  My husband and I take my mom on trips, take care of her, cook for her, help her around her house, etc… she’s 72 and has some major health issues. My sister lives an hour away, I live 30 minutes away so logically I’m the one who is doing the care giving. My sister comes in to town a few times a year and my mom buys her whatever she wants, worries about her, does for her…. is it bad for me to feel slighted when my mother talks about wanting to do all these things for my sister and not even mention me or anything my husband and I have done for her? We feel like it’s time for us to sell our house and land and move out of state like we’ve wanted to do for years, but have put off due to her health situation. Now I feel totally unappreciated and just don’t think I can be the one to do everything anymore. I’m just tired of being her doormat. 

A: I’m sorry about the loss of your grandmother and that you have carried the burden of helping out alone. If you don’t feel like you can be the one doing everything anymore, then stop! Most times in life, people will take as much as you give. You have to be the one to stop giving, not the other way around. And in all my clinical (and personal) experience, I have rarely seen family members pitch in equally when it comes to helping out aging parents.

Whether your mother is truly taking advantage of your kindness, or if it’s your perception, you do not have to be a doormat any longer. I’m sure she loves you even if she treats you and your sister differently. However, if you and your husband have dreams of selling your house and moving, there is no better time than the present. Your sister will either have to step up, your mother may have to move to be closer to one of you, or all of you as a family can come up with another plan for your mother, such as home care or assisted living.

Many communities have care giver support groups that you may find very helpful. Look for them at churches, hospitals, nursing homes or senior centers. Your local Area Agency on Aging may also have resources for your mother such as Meals on Wheels or transportation to medical appointments, which will help you transition out of being your mother’s primary support.

In the meantime, it sounds like you and your husband could benefit from a vacation yourselves. Go enjoy your life!

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Hating Myself to the Point of Closing Myself Off

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

About 2 months ago, my grandpa passed away. I was really close to him and it was the first death I ever had to deal with. (I’m 15). At first my mother understood my depression, she allowed me to be late for school, and always tried her best to help me. But now that I should “Be over it” I’m not. I feel like I’m still in shock that he’s gone. I don’t know if it has anything to do with this… but I thought I’d mention it.

Lately, I’ve been getting really depressed stages at least once a day. It lasts about 1-2 hours depending on what triggered it. The triggers are stupid, and I KNOW they shouldn’t mean anything. But for some reason, It always hits me. For example, today my brother was joking around and said “Nobody likes you” And although I knew he was kidding, it made me look back on all the guys that made fun of me or that didn’t like me. I then start wondering why they didn’t like me… and I begin picking myself apart. My looks, personality; everything. Because of this I have very low self-esteem. I hate getting my picture taken. And when my friends are kidding around taking pictures, they always want me to join. I always cover my face, which leads to them saying “How are you going to be an actress if you don’t like getting your picture taken?” And then, another depressed stage will happen. I guess overall I feel pretty down about myself. Like I won’t amount to anything. I feel like my friends are better then me, and that my family would be better off without me ruining their moods. I’ve thought about suicide, but I would never really do it. Ever.

I just want to erase my existence from this life. I don’t want to exist; I don’t want to try. I don’t want to care, and I don’t want to feel this way anymore… Any advice or anything…?

You may be underestimating the grief and sadness associated with the death of your grandfather. It was a very recent passing. That event likely accounts for a major part of your depression. Losing a loved one is exceedingly difficult, especially when it is your first major loss. Many people would have a similar reaction to losing someone they love.

You feel that you “should be over it.” I would disagree. There is no identified period of time in which an individual “should” complete grieving the loss of a loved one. Generally, at a minimum, it can take six months to one year to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. Please don’t mistake the phrase “come to terms” with “getting over it.” No one “gets over” the loss of a loved one. It is a process of adjusting to the loss.

Grieving is a process. It takes time. Profound feelings of loss do not simply vanish. They usually diminish over time. In addition, healthy grieving often requires the assistance and support of others. Sometimes professional help is required and I believe that this may be one of those occasions. A therapist or a grief support group could be of tremendous benefit to you. I would recommend discussing those options with your parents. Symptoms of depression, regardless of their source, necessitate treatment.

Finally, when you feel ready, I would recommend finding ways to commemorate your grandfather. Celebrating his life could facilitate the healing process. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Dealing With The Aftermath of Psychosis

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, Please help. In October 2013, my Granny had passed away due to a long term battle with Cancer. Shortly after this (January 2014) my Girlfriend of 6 years had developed Psychosis and spent the next few months going in and out of hospital. I have stayed with her for the past year and a half dealing with it. throughout the past year, I have had two friends that were getting rather violent and angry towards me and stopped talking to me as a result in April. I had a friend commit Suicide in May. I have other friends whom I talk to and see every now and then, However I feel as if they are avoiding me.

I feel disconnected from the world and people. I recently broke up with my Girlfriend because I thought it was the relationship that was causing me to feel this way. She would have her ups and downs, days in which she was Happy and bubbly and other days in which she was down and upset. She would be in bed and sleeping after taking her tablets at 11 and would sleep until about 1 or 2 the following day.

I can’t help but feel down. I feel as if there is nobody here to help me. I feel like everyone I care about is going to leave me or die. Its obvious I love and care for my Girlfriend however I think i need time to sort my head out. Nothing interests me and I can’t concentrate. I’m constantly thinking about everyone leaving me and that all I am is a burden on my friends.

I often Question if breaking up with my Girlfriend was the right choice. I feel disconnected from her. The sex is at best just full of effort from both of us and If i continued down this route with my Girlfriend I would have gotten severe depression or worse, However I can’t help but feel I’ve made the wrong choice and I should stick it out with my Girlfriend because she’s the only one that has ever cared for me.

Please reply and Thanks for Reading.

You are dealing with a number of recent losses which understandably have made you upset. On top of that, you have noted possible symptoms of depression.

I don’t have enough information to know if you made the right decision regarding your girlfriend. You said that staying with her would’ve led to severe depression but did not say why. If you are correct, then it would seem that breaking up was the right decision.

She is also experiencing her own psychological difficulties. Neither of you sound healthy enough to maintain a flourishing relationship, at this time. After you both are more stable, maybe then consider reestablishing the relationship.

You should consider counseling. Depression and relationship problems are two of the most common reasons people enter counseling. Counseling can provide you with guidance about your relationship and teach you how to manage your possible depression symptoms.

Another option is a grief/bereavement support group. Many people benefit from talking about their losses. Sharing your loss often facilitates the healing process.

Once you are feeling more stable, you will be in a better position to make decisions about your future and with whom you want to spend it. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Fear What Comes After Death

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: I have a hard time accepting the fact I know I’m gonna die one day, but I don’t fear death itself. I’m scared of what happens after and I know there are no answers. I’m kept up at night because of this and tend not to cope well. I’ve lost many people in my life specifically at the age of 7 and again at 8 only 14 months later. I am Christian, but my belief always wavers as I am uncertain. I just need someone to talk to but all the “free” therapy places ask for my card (in which I can’t use) or need a phone number (in which I don’t have) or the sketchy ones want my address.

It’s been said that the difference between human beings and other creatures is that we know that we are going to die. (Yes, I know. Some scientists are challenging that idea, saying there are in fact some animals that have an awareness of death.) My point isn’t to argue with science but to point out that it is part of the human condition to experience profound loss when others die, to have an awareness that our life will at some point end and to wonder what happens next. People who study and practice religions and philosophy and psychology all ponder the mystery of life and death.

As you said, no one knows for sure what happens after death. My grandmother, a minister’s daughter, was sure that God has a mansion with many rooms and that when she died, she would find a room waiting for her with a mint on the pillow of her bed and my grandfather there to greet her. I really don’t know if the story she’d tell us was literal for her. I do think it was at the very least a way to make her faith more familiar and less worrisome.

I think your obsession with the question could be called a crisis of faith. Multiple losses at a young age probably made you question your beliefs more than most people do at your age. It’s normal for a child to wonder where people went when they die and seem to disappear. It’s normal for a child to have trouble coping with the loss. It’s normal for people of any age to be angry with God when someone they love passes. You are still working on finding a way to metabolize your grief.

Since you are a Christian, you may find it more helpful to talk to your pastor than to a psychologist about your concerns. What she or he will probably tell you is that our ideas about what happens next are grounded in faith. Faith isn’t science. It’s a leap into a profound belief that provides solace and comfort.

I encourage you to contact a local pastor. It won’t cost money. It won’t require a phone. Just make an appointment to talk about your concerns with someone who is sympathetic and well versed in the questions you are asking.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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I Sometimes Get Confused if Divorce Is Right

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My husband always needed advise about everything including our relationship from people that he did not know personally but via third person and would talk over the phone. His family and elder brother lived in India. He always showed them that he was not happy but would be different when he was with me. He never worked during our less than a year marriage due to his immigrant status. He was verbally abusive and tried to control everything.

We had an argument one morning. That night he talked to his brother and got angry. He slapped me, I warned that I’ll call the cops. He walked out of house. Later, he came with the cops, tried to get me arrested but they saw my bruises and arrested him.

His brother booked his flight without giving me any option; he just left me within 2 days. He blocked my number and only contacted me when he wanted to. He went to my hometown, met my school friends, family friends, falsely accused us and made up stories.

When he ran out of people overseas, he started contacting family friends in the US about how miserable he was. He and his family would not talk to me or my parents if we tried to contact directly. He wanted me and my parents to go to India to beg that we wanted him to come back.

I booked our flights but my condition was I didn’t want his brother’s presence when we all meet. He promised but, his brother came along who was so disrespectful that my dad had a stroke. He passed away two days later.

My husband never showed up at the hospital or his funeral. I came back to the US, withdrew his sponsorship, filed for divorce that was granted. When he found out, he contested, came back to the US.
I don’t know his whereabouts and have no contact with him.

I go back and forth about if I should give him a chance. I feel I still love him and then I realize I cannot trust him. I feel I should call him then I remember my dying dad and his pain, and that he never showed up, was never there and tried to defame me even after my dad passed away.
I feel like a mess sometimes and do not know what I am supposed to do.

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your father.

I’m sure this whole situation has caused you a great deal of stress but, from what you wrote, I think you did make the right decision.

Since he wasn’t working, it is possible your husband felt he had to prove to himself and other people that he was still the “man of the house”. You wanted and needed a respectful, loving partner. Instead of working on your marriage, he made himself a “victim” in the eyes of his family and became increasingly controlling and emotionally and physically abusive toward you.

Love without trust never works. Your ex-husband hasn’t changed. He hasn’t contacted you to apologize, to ask for forgiveness or to talk about ways that maybe the two of you could start again. For you to “give him another chance” is like one hand clapping.

Give yourself the love and respect you never got from your husband. Be glad you discovered his true nature before you had children or became dependent on him. You and your family did not deserve the way he treated you. No one deserves treatment like that.

If you can’t move on, please make an appointment with a therapist to get some support and practical help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Daughter Blames Me for Her Suicide in Her Farewell Letter. How Can I Survive?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

From Netherlands: Our beloved daughter committed suicide at age 20 on 9 September 2014. She was a brilliant student but had difficulties with her studies and holding friends. She was depressed and liked to be home with us her parents and sister. She was diagnosed with autism or schizoid. She decided not to be treated. She could never express her feelings, she said she could not feel. She took pills and left us on 9 September 2014.

We found an extensive farewell letter in English called ‘Lost cause’ of 16 pages. She describes the trauma coming early but not saying what is was. She said love was supposed to be something special. She was always feeling guilty about her parents potentially breaking up and not understanding why others did not see it her way. She called herself empty and got directions about feelings from her ‘inside thing’ taking over since age 5. She left us also a copy of an article about priming trying to make clear why she was so upset about breaking love and used priming to make a link to her past at age 5 when I had an affair and left home for 2 months and my wife cried a lot. My daughter states in her letter: don’t leave, we can work it out, we don’t need money.

Ever since finding the farewell note O blame myself that she had relationship trauma and became schizoid of this. I am seeing a therapist but I blame myself and cannot find a way to prove that a break up of 2 months could not have caused her death. A copy of her farewell letter can be forwarded.

Mental illness can be difficult to treat. In your letter you said that she chose not to take treatment. Without treatment, there is very little chance of improvement. With the course that she chose her suicide is not to be unexpected.

Her suicide is a result of her mental illness and that is clear. What you are questioning is the cause of her mental illness. With schizophrenia and autism there is no evidence to suggest that the actions or inactions of a parent can cause these disorders. This research is objective and if there was a possible link to the actions of a parent as the cause or a potential cause of these disorders, it would have been reported in the literature.

Unfortunately, it is very difficult and in many cases impossible to force someone into therapy or to take medication. There are many family members, who have loved their daughter, brother, mother, sister, father, etc., as much as it is possible to love and still they were unable to get their very loved family member, to accept treatment.

It is safe to say, that leaving your wife and child for two months did not cause your daughter’s schizophrenia or autism. Leaving for two years would not have caused your daughter’s mental illness. Divorcing your wife and never again contacting her or your daughter, would not have caused your daughter’s schizophrenia or autism. It is obvious from your letter that you love your daughter very much. It is also safe to say that from what I’ve read, at least in my opinion, you would have very gladly given up your life for your daughter, and if it would bring her back you probably still would. However, even sacrificing your life for your daughter would have neither prevented or cured her schizophrenia or autism.

If you had never known that you had a daughter, if you had never known that you had impregnated her mother and thus never even known of the existence of your daughter, her schizophrenia or autism would still have occurred. Her death was a result of her mental illness, just as surely as a death caused by cancer.

Use the love that you have for your daughter, take that love and spread it in the world by doing good for others. Honor your daughter by helping others. Spreading flowers on her grave will not help your grief. Spreading love in this world will.

Good luck my friend.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Why Don’t I Have Real Feelings in Relationships?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 19 and have been experiencing strange emotions this past year. The deep connections I felt with friends are suddenly forced and it is almost painful to be around people. I have also had strange spells of depersonalization. My ex boyfriend died a couple years ago which led me into a spell of depression and I don’t know if I ever made it out or if I’m just used to it. I’m constantly annoyed and tired and prefer to be alone most of the time. Yet I told my best friend what has been going on and she had no clue, she said I’ve been normal but maybe a bit distant, but the differences I see/feel are blaring. I also have short bursts of rage for really no reason. My relationships are what really make me question my growing issues. To sum it up, I go for the guys who can’t be tied down and have emotional issues usually sociopathic tendencies, I hate it but no one else interests me. This is what concerns me most, I don’t think I really have feelings. I feel like I just talk myself into being “in love” with them just to prove that I could get them. In the end, all I really want to do is win them. I don’t miss them when we break up, I just can’t fathom the thought of someone else taking my spot. I go insane with texting and calling when something goes wrong and can’t control myself. I show up at their house unannounced and the next day think “was that even me, I’d never do that”. I also feel like I can’t emotionally connect with anyone and I think it’s because they sense some thing is off about me. I constantly want to fight with them and pull them back when I think they are going to leave, I am always the one who gets left but it’s almost like I ask for it. If I even date someone I feel like it’s always going to end in them prying me off of them or either marriage. I get so into one person that no matter what I will try to make it work but ruin it as well. I’ve gone to a therapist but couldn’t say this all I just said I had anxiety. Please tell me what this could be or what I should do.

Thank you for being so brave to explain all the statistical reactions. I admire your honesty. I think it may be two things that are happening simultaneously.

I would begin by looking at the unfinished grief from your boyfriend’s death. I think working through that in therapy would be good. Additionally, the fact that you preselect partners that can’t commit and then wobble back-and-forth when the relationship fails suggests that you may want to explore this pattern of attachment in therapy as well. While I believe grieving plays a big part I think this other dynamic maybe be very important in understanding why you feel the way you do. I would encourage you to bring these two points: the unresolved grief and your attachment process into therapy. Since your profile showed you are at a university means you have access through the counseling center to highly qualified counselors. They are usually very proficient in helping people sort through these types of issues, and I think talking to them about this will help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Abortion Changed Our Lives… What Now?

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Back in April my live-in girlfriend of over 2 years and I went through with an abortion. Consequently, we drifted apart until the beginning of September, when she said she couldn’t do it anymore. The whole summer we were pretty much doing our own thing, trying haphazardly to cope with what happened.  I sank into a deep depression without even realizing it. I would numb my senses with alcohol and gambling on the daily. I didn’t tell a soul about anything. I didn’t care about anything – not even myself. I hated myself for a very long time. I sank deeper and deeper until she told me she was done sinking with me, that I’d never change. That was my breaking point. I opened up to a couple of people about what happened. I stopped the drinking and gambling and began to realize the gravity of the situation I had put myself in. I worked on myself for my own sake because I realized I had lost everything.

Her and I have had some contact since then. At first, I begged and pleaded with her to take me back to no avail. After that, we didn’t speak for a week or so until she contacted me and we started hanging out as friends. It seemed she was beginning to come around until she abruptly blocked my number. After a week, she calls me to talk which brings us to now. I still love the girl to death and she still loves me. The problem is that she doesn’t trust me. I let her down. I couldn’t be strong during that time. I had nearly 5 months to get my act together but when I finally decided to do so was when she finally decided I would never do so.

She’s still coping with what happened and she’s definitely not herself. She hasn’t broken the pattern of drugs and alcohol that she also fell into after what happened. I still see her mother regularly and she wants us back together too but she’s even being standoffish with her. Her mother told me she’s thinking about sending her to stay with out-of-state relatives for a while to get away from her current environment. At this point, I’m very worried about the girl. She’s not working or going to school. She needs to wake up and get her head right. (age 21, from US)

I’m sorry that you are both going through this very difficult situation. The pain is real and the only way to heal and move on is to take responsibility, feel the pain and allow yourself to grieve. It sounds like you have started this process and are getting yourself back on track. That’s great, and I hope that you continue. As you have discovered, numbing your pain with alcohol and other addictive activities does nothing to help you heal, it only prolongs (and usually worsens) the problem.

I mean no offense, but the pain your girlfriend is feeling may be even more severe and complicated than your own because it was her body that went through the trauma. When you speak to her, always come from a place of compassion and concern. I would suggest that you both see a grief counselor regarding what happened.  f your girlfriend is hesitant or doesn’t seem interested, it may be helpful for you to take the lead then ask her to join you. However, you must also respect her decision if she doesn’t seek help.

Things will get better with time, but there may always be a scar. Let this experience be something to learn and grow from. Give yourselves time and keep reaching out for help.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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I Can’t Tell if I’m Okay or Not

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: Thank you so much for taking the time to read this! I’ll try to keep it organized.

About two years ago, I started to be much more aware of everything. All of my feelings and memories intensified. It was fun to feel so alive, so I kept chasing the thoughts that led me there (where are we, why do people do what they do etc) deeper down the rabbit hole and now I don’t know where I’ve ended up. I smile all the time, but it’s not because I’m happy. I’m living for other people. I haven’t let myself be angry or yell at someone since I don’t even remember when. Intellectually, I think I get that it’s probably not healthy, but I don’t think I can make myself choose to be different.

I tend to analyze myself, so I identified the two events in my past that affected me. The first was that my dad died when I was 13. I think that’s part of why I fear death, because I understand what it really means to just stop existing and that there’s no rule or pattern saying when it will happen. On the flip side, it’s helped me stop wasting time. And the other event was when my coaches quit on my team sophomore year. I didn’t realize how bad it had been, and as captain I defended the coaches days before they quit. I still blame myself, but I grew up a lot trying to run things on my own after that. I think I was heading toward whatever these feelings are without these two events, but they helped push me there.

My whole family is a tree of hypochondriacs, so there are nights when I’ll stay up freaking out about my heartbeat or not breathing after I fall asleep. I’ve taught myself to just shut that down with logic, but nighttime is still when I think too much.

Most days I can choose to be okay. I can choose to see both the dark and light side. But there are days when it feels like it would be so much easier stop choosing to be okay and to fall off onto the not okay side. I’m just waiting for college to go see someone who doesn’t already know me. Is this normal?

Thank you again!

 

 Another question is whether this is “normal” for you. You’ve had two important losses in your young life — losses that taught you not to take life for granted and that you needed to depend on yourself. Those are not bad lessons to learn. It’s also not a bad thing to be analytic, especially in a family where people are hypochondriacal. You’ve learned to stop and think about whether symptoms are real. That is often the focus of Cognitive Behavior Therapy. You figured that technique out all by yourself.

I think we all make a daily decision about whether to see life’s events as mostly positive or negative. The difference is that most people just do it automatically and unconsciously. You are more aware of the choices you are making than most.

Are you normal? I can’t tell on the basis of a letter, of course. What I can tell you is that the range of “normal” is enormous. You have responded normally to life events. Whether you’ve taken it too far is something you’d need to talk to a counselor face to face to figure out. If that would give you peace of mind, I hope you will do so. A counselor can help you dig deeper and gain more insight into who you are and what you might want to work on to be all you can be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Think I Am Bipolar, Do I Need Therapy?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My friend committed suicide two years ago. Four months later my grandpa died. For some reason the awful feeling never went away. Every day I have the feeling of grief as if it happened yesterday. It’s not that I’m still mourning, but it has affected me physically and emotionally. I have no appetite, I hardly sleep, I never want to go out, and I am exhausted all the time. My parents think I’m always in a mood but it’s physically hard for me to have a conversation. I’ve lost friends and my motivation in school is gone. I have fantasies of what my funeral would be like and who would come. When I think of my future all I can think is what’s the point? I pray that I will get hit by a car or some other random accident will happen because I don’t want to have to do it.

The bad times last the longest, but sometimes for a few days at a time the lack of sleep doesn’t bother me. I feel so motivated that I will make plans that I know I’ll never have the energy to actually follow through with. Last month I spent over $200 in clothes in one day when I usually am good about saving. I even surprised the whole family by bringing home ice cream once, when I usually stay in my room all day. I make plans with people I haven’t spoken to in weeks. When I get in these moods I feel like I could talk a mile a minute. But they only last a few days before I’m back to having no energy.

I cut myself for the first time tonight. They hardly bled but I actually liked it. It distracted me and was also comforting. I know all these thoughts and self harm are bad but I don’t have control when I’m feeling this way. I’m not close to anyone anymore. Not my friends or anyone in my family so I don’t know who to go to. I’ve been dealing with this for two years and thought I could handle it but it’s only getting worse. What should I do?

Some of your symptoms may be indicative of bipolar disorder, but only an in-person evaluation could determine if a disorder is present.

Your reaction to the loss of two people with whom you were close may be normal but it might also indicate depression. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a world-famous expert in the field of death and dying, noted that there are at least five stages of grief that one goes through after a loss. Depression is one of those stages and sometimes people get stuck in a particular stage. Perhaps that has happened to you.

There are several things you can do. First, consider a bereavement support group. There may be some in your community.

Secondly, consider individual counseling. Choose a therapist who specializes in death and dying oriented counseling.

Third, you may want to read self-help books about grieving. There are many good books that might interest you.

Finally, you may also consider reading about near-death experiences or life after death. Dr. Kubler-Ross has written about both of these topics, among others including Raymond Moody and Brian Weiss.

It may sound counterintuitive, but many people gain great comfort in studying death and hearing stories from people who have claim to have died. People who have had near-death experiences, for instance, are profoundly moved by their experiences. In fact, it’s common among near-death experiencers, and the people who read about near-death experiences, to no longer fear death. These topics might be worth exploring. Most importantly, seek the help of a counselor and get their advice. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Girlfriend’s Mom Died in Front of Her When She Was a Child. I Need to Know How to Help Her as Best I Can

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

As a disclaimer, I’d like to say i know it’s not my place to “fix” my girlfriend. i just want to know what i can do for her to help her cope.

My girlfriends mother collapsed and died from liver cirrhosis when she was very young, and my girlfriend (we’ll call her L) was the only one there to witness her death and deal with the situation. this day forever haunts her, and she has a lot of problems processing this trauma as an adult. she’s told me, through tears “ i want to think about it. i want to think about her death or im afraid ill forget.” shes told me multiple times that she constantly thinks about it and its making her really depressed. id like to know what to do rather than just saying how sorry i am and im here for her. ive told her she should seek professional help but so far she has not. any help is greatly appreciated.

The problem you have described is very personal. It is something that she will have to deal with when she’s ready. It’s not clear why she is refusing professional help but you can certainly continue to encourage her to go. She may not be open to it now but she may be in the future. Hopefully, that is the case.

Many people have the wrong idea about mental health treatment. Some of the more common themes involve people feeling like a failure if they ask someone else for help with their personal problems; believing that only “weak” people need help; not wanting to reveal personal information to a stranger or to tell other people their business; believing that therapy doesn’t work; or believing they can’t afford it, among others.

Those aforementioned false ideas (and others) about seeking out professional help prevents many people from receiving help. The resultant effect is that many people suffer with curable psychological problems. They suffer simply because they believe in misinformation about the nature of psychological help.

With your girlfriend, it’s not clear why she is resistant to treatment. One potential theory is that she worries that the treatment would erase the positive memories of her mother and thus she is unwilling to even try. That, of course, is untrue because therapy does not work that way. Therapy does not involve changing memories. Like many others, she might be ill-informed about the nature of therapy.

If she’s unwilling to go to treatment, then, you’ll have a choice to make. Her problem is affecting the relationship and thus it’s affecting you. You’ll have to decide if you want to continue your relationship with someone who is refusing help, for a treatable problem. Will that be okay with you?

She is purposefully choosing not to resolve this problem. Her reason may be fear. You need more information about why she is refusing treatment. Knowing more about why she is reluctant to seek treatment might give you insight into what she’s going through and how you can best support her.

The bottom line is this: you can’t fix someone else’s problems. They have to do the work themselves. Hopefully she’ll take your advice and go to counseling. That would be the best outcome.

Your power in this situation is very limited and will mostly involve you continuing to be supportive. How long you will want to continue in that role, is something only you can decide. Thank you for your question. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Do I Have Depression?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: i’m positive that i am depressed. i’ve had countless episodes where i have felt empty/numb inside and shut everyone out as well as having lost interest in many things. i’ve only recently started cutting myself, but i’m working on stopping the habit.

depression runs in my family, but my problem is seeking professional help. my parents tend to dismiss things like depression, and i learned that when i found out about my younger sibling cutting herself. i come from a religious family, so they “prayed” about it and eventually got her to stop.

truthfully, my sister cut in order to fit in with some of her friends. with me, however, i do it to feel/alleviate the pain. i’ve struggled with my emotional problems for roughly four years after a traumatic death of a family member, and i’m having trouble with telling my parents that i need help.

i’m homeschooled and have no forms of social contact whatsoever. i’m socially deprived, and at times i enjoy being alone but at others i loathe it. my only forms of socializing are secret social media accounts, and that’s about it. i’m really not sure as to how that means much of anything, but i think it has contributed to my depression. i hate to go about “self-diagnosing” but i’ve done my research, and depression is the only thing that accurately describes my emotions (or lack thereof).

my true question would have to be how to explain to my parents about the situation when there’s a high risk of them dismissing it. they and no one else, for that matter have any idea that i might be depressed, or that i participate in self-harm. i’ve no idea as to how to communicate to them about how i want to seek help, and they’ve reacted negatively to antidepressants with my own grandmother (who has depression).

i hope i’m not bothering anyone with this, and honestly i think it’ss trivial, but i don’t want this to become worse than it already is.

i’m ready and i want to seek professional help. i just don’t know if my parents will accept the fact that their daughter may have problems of her own. i am not asking for any diagnosis; just some help on how to explain my situation.

Thank you for writing. You are not bothering me. Your problem isn’t trivial. You have written an articulate letter in which you’ve done your best to both present your problem and be sympathetic to your parents’ beliefs. Many, maybe even most, people do need some help following a traumatic death. That situation plus the fact that there is a family history of depression are enough of a reason for you to see a professional.

I think the place to start is with your medical doctor. I don’t know if there is a medical component to this or not. If there is, treatment can be offered. Of equal importance, though, is that physicians can often do what a teen can’t. Your doctor can tell your parents that you need an evaluation for depression. She or he can also suggest some changes in life style that would benefit you at this stage of your life.

If you parents are not open to having you see a doctor, think about other adults you trust and they respect who might be able to help you have a calm and clear discussion with them. Is there a relative who can give you support? How about a church elder?

At 17, you should be getting ready to leave home. Your isolation is part of your problem. You need more social contacts in order to become more socially secure. If your parents are committed to home schooling, find other ways to get out with people your own age. Join something. Participate in a sport. Volunteer where other teens are doing good work. Maybe find a part time job that will both get you out into the community and let you save some money toward future schooling or a place of your own.

You have made an important start to your adult life by taking care of yourself by reaching out for some help here at LifeHelper. Please find the courage and strength to take the next steps.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Still Feeling Heartbroken about My Friend and the House Fire

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My friend in the Philippines died last week, tomorrow will be one week since he died, he was buried today.

I still feel shocked, down and sad, I want to cry all the time.

I play things in my mind that I’d love to tell him, but don’t like writing it on his FB.

I have so much regrets, its been 2 years since we last met. Due to some existential crisis and depression, I haven’t been there nor talked to him, I was invited by my cousin last year.

I regret so much that I didn’t go, he asked once to my mom when I’m going back there.

I wish we made more memories like when we were kids. Even though we weren’t the closest of friends, him being gone and accepting it hurts.

Every day I think of him, when I think of my friends there I think of him being there.
I made a promise I’d come back some day.

He was only 30 years old and was trapped in the house which went on fire.

The thought of him in there hurts, I even saw the photo, it didn’t look like him, wish I never looked.

I regret not being in contact with him for 2 years, I regret not going there last year when I had the chance. Been battling my own life crisis.

Every time I tell myself he’s gone forever now so accept it, I get that tingling heart break like pain.

It’s so hard to accept he is gone and I will never see him again.

I regret I became insecure through my 20s and I wish we made more memories.

Ever since I saw my auntie’s house burning on the local news there, my heart shrank, since then my feelings of anxiety and depression has come back. All those happy memories, everything gone, including their clothes etc. Same with the neighbours.

I feel anger towards the ones responsible who could’ve prevented it and not alerted the fire brigade until it was too late.

I feel sad that all of this didn’t have to happen, it could’ve been prevented. They had lessons 20 years ago.

He buried now, it looks like everyone are starting to move on over there…. I’m not really sure, but maybe it’s because of religion.

I don’t know what happens after death, but it all scares me and I’m gutted for him and everyone else.

If you live a long, full life, you will mourn the loss of many people that you love. That is the nature of existence. It may be hard to accept or endure, but this is not unique to just you. Everyone experiences the same thing. This includes everyone alive today and everyone who has ever lived. And the key word is “lived.” Even with the pain of loss, all of these people have gone on to live their lives. They have cried and mourned, but they have all gone on. Your pain of loss is great but it will lessen month by month and year by year. Your love for those that you have lost, will not lessen. You will feel the love without the pain. It takes time, but what you are experiencing has been experienced by all those who have come before you.

Here is a famous quote for you. It is by Alfred Lord Tennyson. “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” An English poet said those words two hundred years ago and they are still repeated today. Yes, you have lost one that you love, but you are better having lost that love than if you had never known that person and thus never developed that love. He is gone but the love lives on. The pain you feel is a small price to pay for the love that you keep with you and will keep with you always.

I wish you the best of luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Have Trouble Trusting and Befriending People

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I’m a person that struggles a lot when it comes to socialization. I’m afraid of making new friends or acquaintances out of fear they’ll just use me and discard me when I’m not useful anymore. The root of this problem comes form my childhood. My late brother was a very social person with a lot of friends, something I envied a lot, and he would often buy things for them, bring them to our house for snack parties, and go out a lot with then, but when he got diagnosed with cancer and was bedridden, they all left. This left a very negative impression about friendship in my head, and I remember my father telling me that friends don’t exist, and that people only like you for what you have. Because of this I avoided making friends and going to social gatherings. To show people I didn’t want any friends, I became a bully. I got in a lot of fights and often insulted people to leave me alone, and used to bully weaker students to make sure no one approached me. I remember very vividly my teacher telling me that people wanted to befriend me but I pushed them away. At the time I didn’t care. However, deep down, I wanted friends, I wanted to belong to a group, but my irrational fear of betrayal got the best o me. To suppress it, I became nastier to people and even started abusing my pet cat. I would often punch and kick the poor thing for no reason other than to release some of my frustration. This is something that’s haunts me to this day.

Now days, I’m a lonely person. I have very few friends, and I struggle to keep contact with them because of this fear. I tried to kill myself 3 times because I felt I deserved to suffer loneliness for my actions. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts. I’m 21 years old and trying to change, but I don’t know where to start. What should I do? (Brazil)

You have already started by writing in with your question, but it is important that you do more by getting some professional help. I’m very concerned that you have attempted suicide and want you to call your local crisis line or go to the closest hospital if you feel that you might try to harm yourself again.

It is unfortunate that your brother lost his friends once he was diagnosed with cancer, but this can be a complicated situation. Yes, it can make some folks uncomfortable and they don’t know how to handle it, but on the other hand, your brother could have pushed them away, and you and your father were not aware of that piece. Nonetheless, that is your brother’s story, not yours, and I am sorry for your loss.

You have done your best to push people away in the past, but you no longer want to be this way. Only you can change your life. It is difficult to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, but it is also the only way to form genuine relationships. At some level you have to trust someone in order to find out if they are trustworthy. And I can tell you that it is much less painful to let a few relationships/friendships go than to not have any at all.

Do yourself (and your cat) a favor and begin taking some chances. Look for new friends, join social clubs, and generally step outside of your comfort zone by letting others in. Meanwhile, find a therapist to help you with this process, as well as to heal from the past.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Breaking Up Is So Hard

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: So I had been dating this girl for 2 years of high school. She is a senior in high school now and I’m a freshman in college. We went through the summer and decided we were going to try dating.

I noticed in the beginning of the summer that she had started too snapchat this boy. I didn’t think much of it. about a month into college I came back home to visit her. I hadn’t been giving her a ton of attention but we had been talking a lot. When I came home I figured out she had plans with her friends and this guy was asking her to homecoming. She immediately told me that they were just friends and she loved me. I began to get a little sketched out.

this is when our relationship began to go for the worst. I began to be emotionally abusive sometimes and I’m really disappointed in myself for doing this. I asked her to stop talking to him multiple times. she said she didn’t want to be controlled which is reasonable. I agreed and let her continue to talk to him. This caused our relationship to get more rocky.

She called me one night out of the blue and was crying and I was so confused. Now I think its because she knew the relationship was ending and felt guilty. I went home a week later and spent three days with her. Those three days were great for both her and i. Then homecoming came. I let her have homecoming night to herself because I trusted her. I woke up in the morning and received a text that we needed to talk. I asked her if everything was ok and she said she didn’t know. She called me and said she was emotionally drained and couldn’t deal with the pressure. She still loved me.

My friend then texted his ex and found out she had spent the whole night talking to him. We broke up that day and I drove home to talk to her. We talking in the car and she told me she loved me but not in the way she used to love me. She said she does not want a serious relationship. I told her I don’t care to be in a relationship with her as long as she told that other guy that she didn’t like him and just wanted to be friends. She said no.

She kept trying to get me to compromise. she said she wants everything that we had but she doesn’t want to have sex because she knows I won’t be able to move on and she feels guilty. I told her that I loved her a lot but Im not doing that because I feel like I’m being used. So we ended it.

The next day I was passing a store and I saw them walking together along with their friends. after that I went to the school soccer game in which she plays and he was waiting for her just as I used to do.

I feel betrayed but I feel like this is just a rebound relationship. Ive gone no contact but it took her a week to take down her profile picture of us. The day we broke up I received a text from her sister saying she loved me and more and I responded and stayed strong. The next day I received a similar message. I have been no contact with her for a little over 3 weeks. I received a text from her mom late at night trying to check up on me.

I don’t know if this was my ex but I was surprised because I never txt her mother even though I know she really cares for me. I am still going no contact and I don’t intend on ever speaking to her again. I guess I’m on this blog because I’m heartbroken broken and wondering if she even cares or if this new guy is giving her everything she wants. Is she over me. Will she ever txt me. Is she just faking it. Will she become intimate with this guy. Will she regret it. Is it a rebound relationship

I’m so sorry you are having such a tough time. I can’t answer your questions about your ex’s motives and feelings, of course. What I can tell you is this: High school relationships rarely last. The teen years are a time for exploring relationships and for discovering who you are and what you want in a partner. Often teens cling to a relationship longer than they should because the dating scene is so intimidating and it is comfortable and comforting to stay with the person you know best.

You have not been betrayed. Your girlfriend has been struggling too. My guess is that she wants to move on and to explore new relationships but has also not wanted to hurt you. Her relationship with you was important for some time, but it isn’t what she wants now. She isn’t “rebounding”. She’s exploring someone who is different and, maybe, more in tune with where she is at this stage in her life. It isn’t rejecting you so much as finding herself.

As for her mom: My guess is that she does care about you. You were around for a long time. She probably knows you are taking this hard and just wanted to reach out to you to let you know she still thinks you are a good person even if her daughter is separating from you.

My best suggestion for you is to, yes, grieve the ending of this relationship but also to see the break up as freeing up the opportunity for you to also try out new relationships. The college years are years of tremendous emotional growth. Start looking around and inviting women to have a coffee or to meet up after class. Don’t jump into another relationship too quickly. You owe it to yourself to take your time and find out more about yourself and more about what you really want in a partner.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Do I Handle Mother Who Left Us 35 Years Ago?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 53 and one of 5 kids. Mother left Dad (us) in the ’80s for a woman in another State. She (they) eventually moved back but lived several hours away. We are only now realizing that many of our trials in life have been a result of her abandonment, lies, narcissism, and reluctance to acknowledge her hypochondria (which nearly frightened us to death as kids)or seek therapy for her own survivor’s guilt from when her own mother was killed by a drunk driver.

Her 5 siblings were taken to a veterans children’s home in 1933 and Mother was adopted by an aunt and her husband.She was rich, a prodigy at the best schools, and travelled. Her sibs were poor but a close, blue-collar family. She told us these things right before she took us to her dying birth father’s bed. She is unable to get along with people/cops/family and has been a combative recluse for the past 20 years.She can be majorly screaming crazy.

She left us.We have all tried to reach through to her sanity, emotions, and love but she speaks to us as though everything is always fine and even now her surprise trips to the ER continue. We have offered to have her move in.

She lived in a Catholic retirement home. Christian, she became a Catholic when we finally convinced Daddy to divorce her. Always punishing herself. She got in early because she could play the organ.

Here is my problem: She wanted this minimal relationship all these years, but with aging comes a need for increased contact. She’s still jerking us all around. She’s 85 and as healthy as can be.

I’ve coped with this by holiday visits, writing and calling rarely. Now I keep hearing people say to call her while she’s still with us. I cannot handle seeing her and it seems the guilt of not-seeing her is awful. It’s affecting my weight and activity level. Hasn’t she made her bed? I love her so. But I felt I accepted the loss of her 35 years ago and now I know if I try to connect again she will disappoint me tragically. It’s as she’s been dead already. Now that she’s elderly, I am crying for all that was already lost and it will renew when she actually dies this time. I don’t know if I can do that again.

Although you say you accepted the loss 35 years ago, you continue to feel guilt about the lack of connection and anticipate renewed grief when your mother actually dies. This suggests to me that you are suffering from what is called “incomplete mourning.” Because the loss was from abandonment, not death, it may be that you didn’t get the support you needed at the time. You couldn’t quite move on all the way because you didn’t have the finality of death. Instead you were left with some flicker of hope that you’d finally get the mother you longed for and deserved.

You lost your mother in a very real way when you were only 18 and launching into adulthood. Research tends to overlook young adults who lose their moms, according to Taranjit (Tara) K. Bhatia, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships, including mother-daughter bonds. Because they’re already adults, people assume these daughters don’t need maternal guidance. However, losing a mom has a powerful effect on young adult daughters. I imagine that you were angry, confused and sad. You might have even worried that you had done something wrong to cause it. You had a mother who was alive in the world who wasn’t really alive for you.

Well-intended people are suggesting you call her, which seems to be triggering the incomplete mourning. Those people don’t know your history. They are basing their suggestion on an assumption of a healthier relationship than you have ever had. They don’t understand that sometimes personal emotional health depends on separating from a toxic parent.

I see no reason for you to change your level of contact with her. Holiday visits and an occasional call acknowledge her, but maintain an appropriate boundary. There is no reason to think that increasing contact will get you the mother you always wanted. She isn’t likely to change at this point. You are likely to only re-experience the wounds of being left.

Instead, focus on accepting the positive “mothering” that comes from your friends and others who love you. Positive adult friendships include the nurturing and loving elements of mothering without the craziness your bio mother offers.

As for the people who are trying to give you advice: Thank them courteously for their concern and go your own way. They aren’t likely to understand your choice so there is no point in arguing with them. You don’t owe them an explanation. You certainly don’t need to follow their bad advice. Spend your time and energy with the people who count.

If you continue to be distressed, I encourage you to see a counselor to help you finish grieving the biological mother and to find the mothering you need in others.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Mom Was Cheating on My Dad and Now My Dad Passed Away

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hey, I’ve been really struggling because I’ve been thinking about this problem a lot. So a quick background story. I am the oldest in 5 kids and my parents were married for over 15 years. I also come from a middle eastern background and a very strict religious family. So I’m not sure if anyone is going to understand how hard it is to say anything to anyone. So my dad was sick since 2011 he had a stroke that made him paralyzed on his whole left side. I was around 9 years old when he started being sick. My mom would always take care of him and stay by his side or at least that’s what I thought. But when I was 11, I started seeing my mom talk to different guy on the phone and always flirting with him. I was young and I told her mom are you talking to anyone else. But she denied it and then changed the password for her phone so I wouldn’t look at anything. I ignored it for about a year or so, now around this time, my dad was getting better
and the relationship between them was great, there weren’t any problems and we almost never saw them fighting, but I still heard her talking to that guy and saw her many times meet with him when my dad wasn’t home and she always thought I didn’t know and I forgot about it. Time passed and I always ignored, I never told anything to any of my other siblings or faced her with it again. Time passed and my dad got sick again, and she was still talking to that guy in addition to 2 other guys that I knew about and they looked a lot younger than her. I would always find a way to know her password and open her chats to see all the flirty messages between her and the other guys. I always cried by myself and kept it in me since then. Speed up to two years ago, I was 14 at that time, my dad got another stroke and was really sick, he passed away. My mom continued to talk to one of the guys and I don’t know what happened to the other two. I regret not telling my dad anything. And if anyone of my uncles knows about her texts and the pictures she sends to that guy, they will kill her because it is against our religion and our culture and they are very strict. I always cry and I still look thru her phone and see all the disgusting things she says and sends to that guy. I don’t know if I should tell anyone or keep it a secret still. Oh, I forgot to mention that the guy she’s still talking is also married and has kids.(From the USA)

I am very sorry you had such a loss with your father. It also sounds like, in many ways, you’ve lost your mother too. There are several things happening here that involve cultural, familial, and developmental issues and we will walk through each of them.

However, the first thing I would encourage you to do is STOP LOOKING AT YOUR MOM’S PHONE. Whatever you believe you are doing by looking at it one thing is certain: You are not going to feel better and it is an invasion of your mom’s privacy. If the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t want her to do this to you. You already have too much information and don’t know what to do with what you already have. Looking for more will only add to your burden, and very likely push you and your mother further apart.

Secondly, for many reasons, there isn’t a lot for you to do with the information you have. Culturally you are in a difficult position because to reveal what you know would require you to admit to explain that you’ve invaded your mother and father’s privacy, and this in and of itself may not only diminish how you are perceived by whom you tell but may discount your word altogether.

With that being said, I do think you should find a way to talk about what you’ve learned but in a safe way. Sending us an email was a very good start. The work for you now is to find a trusted person to talk to about your own feelings about your mom, not so much about what she did or didn’t do—but your feelings about it. This will give you a safe place to release your feelings, and help get yourself feeling better.

I think a good way of doing this is to talk to someone in your school. Perhaps there is a teacher of counselor you can talk to about this that will be able to hear how stressful this information has been for you to carry.

Finally, you may also want to ask to see a therapist. Very legitimately you can say that you are having very difficult feelings related to your father’s death. To find someone in your area you can go to the “find help” tab at the top of the page, or you can ask a trusted teacher or counselor at the school to help you see a professional.

The key is to find a safe place where you can talk about what all of this feels like. You’ve taken a great first step here. Now it is time to take the next.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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She’s Mourning Infertility

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Brazil: I read a ton of articles about this subject, but my case doesn’t fit any of those. My girlfriend is 31 years old (I’m 24) and we’ve been together for a little over a year. I love here as deeply as I possibly could and I wanna build my life with her.

In june she discovered that she’s infertile, the chance of having a baby is 5% max., if not totally impossible. That didn’t affected me at all!! I’ve never wanted to have children anyway, and I always thought adoption is AWESOME.

After that first discovery, she did many exames with other doctors, but I wasn’t asking a lot about the treatment fearing that it would make her even more anxious. A terrilbe mistake. She did other exames showing how infertile she was and she did’nt tell me a word until a few day ago. In addition, one of her relatives (thank God it wasn’t a close one) got arrested for murder. Everything in one month. I tried to be as loving and caring as i could, but I could indeed feel that she was kind of avoiding me.

Now, she’s devastated. She keeps saying that she feels like she’s taking my right to have a kid, she can’t even imagine telling our friends and especially my family. She’s is so stubborn that she haven’t told her family yet. She’s taking a ton of hormones to stabilize her period (polycystic ovaries) and she is NOT at her normal state. I can’t figure it out how to take this burden of her away.

I sad that I didn’t care, that we’re a couple, no one know what the future holds, that I always thought that adoption was awesome (too soon perhaps?) and we’re going to figure this out togheter, but she just couldn’t just accept that. She asked to take some time off on last monday (07/06), crying a lot, I can see that she really loves me. On the next day, I summarize everything that I feel: we’re a couple, she’s going to organize her life but I will ALWAYS be here for her.

How can I convince her that isolation is a terrible mistake, that she’s is not taking anything from me, that she needs psychological help and that we’re better and stronger together?

Thank you so much for this chance!!!!!

Thank you for writing. I applaud your attitude. There are so many children in the world who need the kind of loving parents you would be. But right now your girlfriend is in mourning. She isn’t ready to think about adoption as an option.

I’m guessing that she put off thinking about having children until she met a guy like you. Now, at 31, she finds that it’s likely she can’t be a birth parent. Like most women, she probably had fantasies about her future children. She is now grieving those children she will not have.

It really is a kind of death.Taking hormones and not telling her family are only signs of the usual elements of grief: denial, bargaining and anger. With help, she will eventually move to acceptance but it will take time.

Unlike other deaths, there are no rituals to help in the process. There is no wake or funeral. There is no grave to visit. Other people often don’t understand.

You aren’t saying anything wrong. You may be saying it at the wrong time. You are moving to what you can do. She needs to first be supported in her grief.

I suggest you encourage her to cry and to tell you about what she had imagined her future children with you would be like. Be sad with her. Think together about some kind of private ritual the two of you could perform to say goodbye to those mythical children. Plant some flowers. Burn a candle. Do whatever would be meaningful to her. Only when she has time to truly accept the loss will she be able to embrace other children; children who need her and who can receive all the mothering and love she can give.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Feel like My Mom Is Crazy

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Ireland: Hi im 15 years old and i feel depressed lately, my mother has always been the best, she has always been a spiritual person and has been into angels and things like that,

Since getting her ipad about 2 years ago she has been watching videos about it and reading about it and now she is going to canada to live with people she talkes to on skype (complete strangers) for three months and is leaving me with my father who lives about an hour away, where i have no friends. But it’s not about me, she pays no attention to me anymore, just sits in her room most of the day and goes on skype, she spends money on usesless products she thinks help her and i feel as if its driving her insane

My father tells me its the best thing to live with him because he thinks shes crazy sometimes i lay in my bed and cry for ages and it makes me very very very extremly angry to the point where im punching and kicking walls and screaming at her and i can hear her just listening to the videos and to be honest its driving me insane.

I used to be very close with my mom and the last two years it’s like she is just someone who makes me food and lives with me.

I used to really like my dad, but we dont even talk to each other in the car at the house or anywhere. I feel as if my life is ending and i dont know where i will be in the next two months like that is scary to me. My only escape is my friends and i just need some help. Thank you so much if you read this.

I fully understand why you are upset. You’ve been abandoned by your mother. She has fallen under the spell of questionable people. Since she hasn’t done anything illegal and she is providing you with the basics, the authorities are not going to intervene. Hopefully, she will come to her senses at some point.

I’m sure it is frustrating, angry-making and sad to feel your mother pull away like this. You are grieving a mom who is still alive and well but who has “left.” I’m glad you understand it’s not that she is against you. Whatever is compelling her is greater than even her love for you — which tells us how strong that compulsion must be.

If your mother has living relatives that you are close to, I hope you are telling them what you told me. There is no reason to keep it a secret. In fact, a secret would help her keep this thing going. Relatives might be able to get her attention and just might be able to convince her to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation.

Meanwhile, I think your dad is probably right. You do need to live with him for now. You haven’t lived with him for a while so it is going to be awkward at first. It’s tough to get reacquainted just when you are at an age when kids start separating from parents. In your case, it’s important you make every effort to get to know him. Do remember that it’s tough for him, too. Take the lead. Ask him about his life. Do some projects or invite him to go to a movie or sports event with you. If you are open to the relationship, chances are the two of you will get comfortable with each other again.

Your dad only lives an hour away from your mom’s house so hopefully he’ll help you out by driving you to see your current friends every now and then and that he’ll be willing to let your friends come and spend the night on some weekends.

Since you do have friends, I know you will make new ones at your new school as well. I hope you can think of this situation as the opportunity to expand your social circle instead of just a loss of your old life. With some effort, you really can have both the old and the new relationships.

It’s unfair that you have to compete with “angels” and strangers for your mother’s attention and that maybe you will have to move. But your letter tells me you are a sensitive and intelligent young man. You can do it!

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Overly Attached to Cats

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

This past year my 18 year old brother died. We were very close. In my time of grief his cats (my childhood cats) were my only source of comfort. I was never close to my mother- during my teenage years we had constant physical and emotional fights. I was always somewhat distant with my father. I have an uncomfortable relationship with my stepmom and stepsister despite making our peace. In my lifetime I have never really been able to hold on to friends for long. I occasionally meet with a high school friend and a college friend, but both have better friends they prefer to hang out with. I had another group of friends, but one of those friendships was toxic, and when I cut off that friendship the other friends stopped talking to me. Despite being in a few relationships, I have never had romantic feelings for anyone. Mainly I got into such relationships out of pity, or curiosity. I have never really been attracted sexually to anyone despite having a regular sex drive. I am currently on medication for depression and ADHD. Despite getting a master’s degree, I work a demeaning food service job. My student loans are quite large, so this year I moved in with my dad. I find this fact humiliating, but I have been unable to find decent work. Because of this I have been considering a high-paying teaching job abroad, especially since I don’t have any real attachments here. And being an avid traveller and having moved far before, I know the revitalizing effect it would have on me. The problem is that these cats are 17 years old and I’m afraid they won’t have much time to live. If I left and they died, I would be devastated, even possibly to the point of not wanting to live anymore. They would be fed and taken care of, but my other family members don’t really care about them. I couldn’t live with myself knowing their last moments were without love. But it’s getting harder to live with this feeling of not being fulfilled and I feel silly for wanting to put my life on hold for cats, especially since they could live another 5 or more years, but they are basically the only satisfying relationship I’ve ever had. I am at a loss for what to do.

Thank you for your thoughtful question and concern. I think there are three ways to view this that may be of help. First, the teaching job sounds like a good fit and revitalization sounds right. So the plan would be to make the transition to this job work, not letting it go. In other words, let’s see this as a shift toward you moving on and finding a satisfactory solution for your beloved cats.

Second, I would consider the possibility of taking the cats with you and making arrangements for their care in the country you are going to. There are several features of this perspective that I think you may find useful. While you are teaching you may be able to care directly for the cats yourself, thus extending the time with them while enhancing your own career and life choices. Then, while you are traveling, you would be able to arrange for care by either a trusted person or a care facility. This way you get the best of both worlds. You extend the time with your cats and have the direct responsibility for arranging their care, while at the same time taking care of yourself.

Finally, if you do choose to leave them, as you go I would invest in finding them a caring, loving home. Interview people who would want to care for them and find folks who have the interest and ability to extend the love you have given them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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