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I Sometimes Get Confused if Divorce Is Right

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 15th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My husband always needed advise about everything including our relationship from people that he did not know personally but via third person and would talk over the phone. His family and elder brother lived in India. He always showed them that he was not happy but would be different when he was with me. He never worked during our less than a year marriage due to his immigrant status. He was verbally abusive and tried to control everything.

We had an argument one morning. That night he talked to his brother and got angry. He slapped me, I warned that I’ll call the cops. He walked out of house. Later, he came with the cops, tried to get me arrested but they saw my bruises and arrested him.

His brother booked his flight without giving me any option; he just left me within 2 days. He blocked my number and only contacted me when he wanted to. He went to my hometown, met my school friends, family friends, falsely accused us and made up stories.

When he ran out of people overseas, he started contacting family friends in the US about how miserable he was. He and his family would not talk to me or my parents if we tried to contact directly. He wanted me and my parents to go to India to beg that we wanted him to come back.

I booked our flights but my condition was I didn’t want his brother’s presence when we all meet. He promised but, his brother came along who was so disrespectful that my dad had a stroke. He passed away two days later.

My husband never showed up at the hospital or his funeral. I came back to the US, withdrew his sponsorship, filed for divorce that was granted. When he found out, he contested, came back to the US.
I don’t know his whereabouts and have no contact with him.

I go back and forth about if I should give him a chance. I feel I still love him and then I realize I cannot trust him. I feel I should call him then I remember my dying dad and his pain, and that he never showed up, was never there and tried to defame me even after my dad passed away.
I feel like a mess sometimes and do not know what I am supposed to do.

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your father.

I’m sure this whole situation has caused you a great deal of stress but, from what you wrote, I think you did make the right decision.

Since he wasn’t working, it is possible your husband felt he had to prove to himself and other people that he was still the “man of the house”. You wanted and needed a respectful, loving partner. Instead of working on your marriage, he made himself a “victim” in the eyes of his family and became increasingly controlling and emotionally and physically abusive toward you.

Love without trust never works. Your ex-husband hasn’t changed. He hasn’t contacted you to apologize, to ask for forgiveness or to talk about ways that maybe the two of you could start again. For you to “give him another chance” is like one hand clapping.

Give yourself the love and respect you never got from your husband. Be glad you discovered his true nature before you had children or became dependent on him. You and your family did not deserve the way he treated you. No one deserves treatment like that.

If you can’t move on, please make an appointment with a therapist to get some support and practical help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Lost My Confidence

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 27th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I recently finalized a highly contentious divorce with an abusive spouse who used horrific tactics to emotionally abuse me, tear me down, turn people against me, and even take my son away for a period of time (using my mental health as an excuse, which is absolutely not a factor and was exacerbated by him). My parents have been on his side through the entire process and I have essentially cut them out of my life for the time being in order to attempt to heal from all of this. During the last part of our marriage, he used tracking devices on me, routinely went through my personal items and phone, and the divorce process intensified his verbal abuse, where I was regularly gaslighted and berated.

I now find myself second guessing everything I do. Work, personal life, literally everything is self-questioned. I am asking advice on things that I should (and do) already know the answer to because I simply don’t trust myself anymore. While I have good friends to lean on, I am struggling to reach out to them too often because I fear burning them out with my constant issues. Yes, I have discussed with my therapist, who is fantastic, but I am seeking a second opinion on things I can do to regain my self-confidence.

All of the questions that you have asked and the issues that you have raised, belong in and to the realm of counseling. A short-written answer could never satisfactorily serve as a “second opinion.” Your therapist should provide you relief from your problems. If he or she cannot advance you towards your goals, then you must find one who can. You say that you have “discussed” these things with your therapist. From the letter that you have written, it would seem that the issues raised deserve to be the main focus of your therapy. Are they? If not, why aren’t they? Are you being fully disclosing with your therapist?

I would like to have known why your parents chose to side with your ex-husband. You must realize, that this is highly unusual. Did he lie to them? Did he fool them into believing lies about you? And finally, what reasons did they give for siding with him?

Self-questioning is appropriate and advisable when you recognize that you have made mistakes. I don’t know you, and I certainly cannot render an opinion. Perhaps you have made mistakes and the self-questioning process that you are going through will help you to find insight and prevent you from making similar mistakes in the future. Or, perhaps you have made no mistakes at all and thus the self-questioning that you’re going through could not possibly be fruitful in helping you to prevent mistakes that never occurred.

Self-belief is different from self-confidence. You may believe that you could learn to fly an airplane. But how confident are you that you could jump into a small plane at a local airport, without any training, and successfully take off and land? Without lessons, you should have no confidence in your ability to do so. If you have great confidence, without having learned how to fly, you possess false confidence. Confidence can be correct or false. Overconfidence is harmful and is based on a misjudgment of reality. Under confidence is also wrong and is also based on an incorrect perception of what is real.

Abraham Maslow states that an optimist, is as equally wrong as a pessimist. Both have misjudged reality. Is the glass half full or half empty? What is the truth? What should you believe? In reality, 4 ounces in an 8-ounce glass is both half full and half empty. The optimist denies reality and so does the pessimist. The optimist denies that the glass is half empty and thus is wrong. The pessimist denies that the glass is half-full and thus is also wrong.

We must always judge reality correctly. If not, we will certainly pay for our mistakes.

The issues that you’ve raised are complex and deserve to be fully examined during the therapeutic process. They are deserving questions and I can fully understand your concern. No real help can come from having a question answered by a stranger on the Internet. Perhaps a little insight can be garnered but any real, significant, substantial help, can only come through adequate therapy. That is the path that you must pursue, in my most humble of opinions. I sincerely wish you good luck in your journey.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Do I Have Depression?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 5th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: i’m positive that i am depressed. i’ve had countless episodes where i have felt empty/numb inside and shut everyone out as well as having lost interest in many things. i’ve only recently started cutting myself, but i’m working on stopping the habit.

depression runs in my family, but my problem is seeking professional help. my parents tend to dismiss things like depression, and i learned that when i found out about my younger sibling cutting herself. i come from a religious family, so they “prayed” about it and eventually got her to stop.

truthfully, my sister cut in order to fit in with some of her friends. with me, however, i do it to feel/alleviate the pain. i’ve struggled with my emotional problems for roughly four years after a traumatic death of a family member, and i’m having trouble with telling my parents that i need help.

i’m homeschooled and have no forms of social contact whatsoever. i’m socially deprived, and at times i enjoy being alone but at others i loathe it. my only forms of socializing are secret social media accounts, and that’s about it. i’m really not sure as to how that means much of anything, but i think it has contributed to my depression. i hate to go about “self-diagnosing” but i’ve done my research, and depression is the only thing that accurately describes my emotions (or lack thereof).

my true question would have to be how to explain to my parents about the situation when there’s a high risk of them dismissing it. they and no one else, for that matter have any idea that i might be depressed, or that i participate in self-harm. i’ve no idea as to how to communicate to them about how i want to seek help, and they’ve reacted negatively to antidepressants with my own grandmother (who has depression).

i hope i’m not bothering anyone with this, and honestly i think it’ss trivial, but i don’t want this to become worse than it already is.

i’m ready and i want to seek professional help. i just don’t know if my parents will accept the fact that their daughter may have problems of her own. i am not asking for any diagnosis; just some help on how to explain my situation.

Thank you for writing. You are not bothering me. Your problem isn’t trivial. You have written an articulate letter in which you’ve done your best to both present your problem and be sympathetic to your parents’ beliefs. Many, maybe even most, people do need some help following a traumatic death. That situation plus the fact that there is a family history of depression are enough of a reason for you to see a professional.

I think the place to start is with your medical doctor. I don’t know if there is a medical component to this or not. If there is, treatment can be offered. Of equal importance, though, is that physicians can often do what a teen can’t. Your doctor can tell your parents that you need an evaluation for depression. She or he can also suggest some changes in life style that would benefit you at this stage of your life.

If you parents are not open to having you see a doctor, think about other adults you trust and they respect who might be able to help you have a calm and clear discussion with them. Is there a relative who can give you support? How about a church elder?

At 17, you should be getting ready to leave home. Your isolation is part of your problem. You need more social contacts in order to become more socially secure. If your parents are committed to home schooling, find other ways to get out with people your own age. Join something. Participate in a sport. Volunteer where other teens are doing good work. Maybe find a part time job that will both get you out into the community and let you save some money toward future schooling or a place of your own.

You have made an important start to your adult life by taking care of yourself by reaching out for some help here at LifeHelper. Please find the courage and strength to take the next steps.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Still Feeling Heartbroken about My Friend and the House Fire

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 13th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My friend in the Philippines died last week, tomorrow will be one week since he died, he was buried today.

I still feel shocked, down and sad, I want to cry all the time.

I play things in my mind that I’d love to tell him, but don’t like writing it on his FB.

I have so much regrets, its been 2 years since we last met. Due to some existential crisis and depression, I haven’t been there nor talked to him, I was invited by my cousin last year.

I regret so much that I didn’t go, he asked once to my mom when I’m going back there.

I wish we made more memories like when we were kids. Even though we weren’t the closest of friends, him being gone and accepting it hurts.

Every day I think of him, when I think of my friends there I think of him being there.
I made a promise I’d come back some day.

He was only 30 years old and was trapped in the house which went on fire.

The thought of him in there hurts, I even saw the photo, it didn’t look like him, wish I never looked.

I regret not being in contact with him for 2 years, I regret not going there last year when I had the chance. Been battling my own life crisis.

Every time I tell myself he’s gone forever now so accept it, I get that tingling heart break like pain.

It’s so hard to accept he is gone and I will never see him again.

I regret I became insecure through my 20s and I wish we made more memories.

Ever since I saw my auntie’s house burning on the local news there, my heart shrank, since then my feelings of anxiety and depression has come back. All those happy memories, everything gone, including their clothes etc. Same with the neighbours.

I feel anger towards the ones responsible who could’ve prevented it and not alerted the fire brigade until it was too late.

I feel sad that all of this didn’t have to happen, it could’ve been prevented. They had lessons 20 years ago.

He buried now, it looks like everyone are starting to move on over there…. I’m not really sure, but maybe it’s because of religion.

I don’t know what happens after death, but it all scares me and I’m gutted for him and everyone else.

If you live a long, full life, you will mourn the loss of many people that you love. That is the nature of existence. It may be hard to accept or endure, but this is not unique to just you. Everyone experiences the same thing. This includes everyone alive today and everyone who has ever lived. And the key word is “lived.” Even with the pain of loss, all of these people have gone on to live their lives. They have cried and mourned, but they have all gone on. Your pain of loss is great but it will lessen month by month and year by year. Your love for those that you have lost, will not lessen. You will feel the love without the pain. It takes time, but what you are experiencing has been experienced by all those who have come before you.

Here is a famous quote for you. It is by Alfred Lord Tennyson. “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” An English poet said those words two hundred years ago and they are still repeated today. Yes, you have lost one that you love, but you are better having lost that love than if you had never known that person and thus never developed that love. He is gone but the love lives on. The pain you feel is a small price to pay for the love that you keep with you and will keep with you always.

I wish you the best of luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Family Has Deserted Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 4th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My family and I had always been close until my mother passed away during my Senior year of surgical complications when I was seventeen. The event seemed to tear my family apart and put a “leper” sign on my back. I met someone online when I was twenty and decided to move from Ohio where my family lived to Florida with him and told them about our up coming wedding. My family vacations in Florida several times a year so when I told them that is where the wedding would take place three months in advance and they all promised to be there, I never suspected anything was amiss.

When the month of our wedding came, my family was no where to be found and three days before the date, my husband’s lung spontaneously collapsed. We got married in the hospital’s chapel on the scheduled date with his family and his friends, but I stood alone. When I finally heard from my family again a month after the wedding, no excuses were given, no apologies for missing it, and I found out several of them were in Florida the week before or after the wedding took place, though none of them bothered to visit or call.

Next year we’re renewing our wedding vows to replace the memories of the first from the drama between his parents, the lung collapse, and my family not even bothering to show up. I’ve found a mansion venue three hours from them (six from us), we’re paying thousands to put them up over night the mansion with us after the wedding, I’ve given them a year’s notice and will be reminding them at six and three months of the date. I’ve been stressing so much over someone, anyone showing up to stand on my side, that I’m in tears over it daily.

My question is — how can I cope with this? What if they don’t show up and what if they do? I’m always going to feel like they only came because we’re spending so much to accommodate them, not because they want to show their love and support. I know what I’m doing probably isn’t helping by indulging them, but I just want my family back…

I’m very sorry for your loss. Often it’s the mom who is the glue in the family. When the mother passes on, the family struggles to interact. For some people, it’s less painful to withdraw from each other than to acknowledge the loss.

I don’t know why your family has deserted you so. But neither, apparently, do you. You can’t “buy” your family’s love and attention by putting yourself in financial debt. You can’t guilt them into coming by sending multiple “save the dates.” Before you put another dime into a second wedding, arrange a sit-down with key members of the family and talk it out. What put the “leper” sign on your back? Does it have anything to do with your behavior? Or do you remind them of mom too much? Or what? Once you have the answer to those types of questions, you’ll know what you need to do.

If your family has indeed rejected you, there is sadly little you can do about it. What you can do is rejoice in having found a man who loves you and with whom you can make the kind of family you wish you had. By all means, have that second wedding if it will help erase the bad memories of the emergency wedding. Let his family celebrate with you — both for his good health and your marriage.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Was I Misdiagnosed?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 28th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello, I’m a 17-year-old boy. I was admitted into acute care for mania and self-harm after my father passed away. I was diagnosed with severe PTSD (not acute, because I’d been diagnosed in the past with it) and Bipolar 1 Disorder with Psychosis and Mixed Episodes. But I don’t think that’s the case, my psychosis isn’t only when I’m manic or depressed, it’s even when I’m stable. I’ll hear voices all the time, I’m almost always paranoid or delusional. But because I have some insight into this, I’ve been told I’m faking before. I don’t feel like I’m faking though, an example of a hallucination was I was checking my air conditioning vent and I saw a very vivid face in the vent, and I had a severe panic attack. I’ll hear voices calling my name all the time, or bells ringing, or children laughing at 2am. It’s horrifying and I don’t know what to do. Is this Schizoaffective? I even have the disorganised speech, it’s not very intense but I constantly have people asking me what I’m talking about because what I’m saying, even though it makes sense to me, doesn’t make sense to them. I know I have the major depressive episodes and the mania, but the psychosis doesn’t line up with it. I’m not always in a flux of either one or the other. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

If you were admitted into 10 different psychiatric emergency rooms and evaluated by 10 different physicians, you may receive 10 different psychiatric diagnoses. Diagnosis is not an exact science. That’s why many clinicians, myself included, believe that diagnosis is often less important than finding the right treatment.

Psychiatric diagnosis is especially difficult for youth. Adolescents are in the process of growing, developing and maturing. For that reason, many clinicians feel uncomfortable diagnosing adolescents with a mental illness.

Medication is the primary treatment for psychosis. You may need to try several medications to find what works best for you. Trial and error is a normal part of the treatment process. The fact that you are continuing to have symptoms, despite being in treatment, is concerning. It would suggest that adjustments are needed. Finding the best symptom improvement is where your focus should be.

Counseling should also be added to your treatment plan. It will help you learn alternative ways of coping with unpleasant and difficult emotions. The death of a parent is difficult for anyone, at any age. Counseling is the ideal place to safely grieve the loss of your father. It will also teach you better methods of coping so that you will be less inclined to engage in self-harm. People who engage in self-harm often do so because they lack psychologically healthy coping skills. Counseling can remedy many, if not all, of the problems you have described. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Why Would Something that Happened When I Was 11 Still Bother Me Sometimes Today?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 3rd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

When I was 11 I found out that my brother had depression apparently he was even thinking about suicide. By parents were mad at me because somehow an 11 year old was suppose to know what to do. They missed the signs too. That night I cried myself to sleep because I was scared I didn’t understand what was going on with my brother or if he was going to be okay. He changed. I thought it was my fault. Anyways, sometimes these feelings arise when he does things like tell me he doesn’t want to be alive anymore or smokes because if he can’t kill himself at least he can smoke. I couldn’t help him then and I can’t help him now. Everytime he tells me he doesn’t want to live it makes me feel like he doesn’t love me because if he doesn’t value his life isn’t that the same as not valuing any life? Last week I watched a documentary in sociology on the Jonestown massacre where 900 people died all those people just threw their lives away because one man told them to. If that’s what it takes then maybe a life isn’t as valuable as I thought. So I don’t know why something like this should affect me so much I mean my brother is the one with depression. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Yes, it’s wrong to feel the way you do. Your thinking is skewed. Even the most rigorously trained and most qualified therapists can’t help everyone. It’s unrealistic to believe that you could treat your mentally ill and suicidal brother. To believe that you “should” be able to help your brother without any training is unrealistic and simply wrong. Perhaps it’s an idea you picked up from your parents who expected you, at 11 years of age, to know how to help your brother. You couldn’t help him then and you can’t help him now and that would be true for anyone without professional training.

Treating suicidal individuals is extremely complicated. Only highly trained professionals should attempt to work with individuals who are suicidal.

You should encourage your brother to seek treatment. He may or may not take your advice. Hopefully he will but whether he does or not has nothing to do with you. His talking about ending his life is not because he doesn’t love you. It’s because he is unhappy and suffering or perhaps because he is mentally ill or misguided in life. It has nothing to do with you. You do not have that kind of power over people. No one does.

To have to watch someone you love needlessly suffer with treatable mental health problems is one of the most difficult situations in life to tolerate. For that reason, you would benefit from counseling. You are the ideal candidate. Maybe, if you try counseling, your brother might follow in your footsteps. Maybe not. That decision is up to him. Thank you for your question. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Mom Was Cheating on My Dad and Now My Dad Passed Away

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 24th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hey, I’ve been really struggling because I’ve been thinking about this problem a lot. So a quick background story. I am the oldest in 5 kids and my parents were married for over 15 years. I also come from a middle eastern background and a very strict religious family. So I’m not sure if anyone is going to understand how hard it is to say anything to anyone. So my dad was sick since 2011 he had a stroke that made him paralyzed on his whole left side. I was around 9 years old when he started being sick. My mom would always take care of him and stay by his side or at least that’s what I thought. But when I was 11, I started seeing my mom talk to different guy on the phone and always flirting with him. I was young and I told her mom are you talking to anyone else. But she denied it and then changed the password for her phone so I wouldn’t look at anything. I ignored it for about a year or so, now around this time, my dad was getting better
and the relationship between them was great, there weren’t any problems and we almost never saw them fighting, but I still heard her talking to that guy and saw her many times meet with him when my dad wasn’t home and she always thought I didn’t know and I forgot about it. Time passed and I always ignored, I never told anything to any of my other siblings or faced her with it again. Time passed and my dad got sick again, and she was still talking to that guy in addition to 2 other guys that I knew about and they looked a lot younger than her. I would always find a way to know her password and open her chats to see all the flirty messages between her and the other guys. I always cried by myself and kept it in me since then. Speed up to two years ago, I was 14 at that time, my dad got another stroke and was really sick, he passed away. My mom continued to talk to one of the guys and I don’t know what happened to the other two. I regret not telling my dad anything. And if anyone of my uncles knows about her texts and the pictures she sends to that guy, they will kill her because it is against our religion and our culture and they are very strict. I always cry and I still look thru her phone and see all the disgusting things she says and sends to that guy. I don’t know if I should tell anyone or keep it a secret still. Oh, I forgot to mention that the guy she’s still talking is also married and has kids.(From the USA)

I am very sorry you had such a loss with your father. It also sounds like, in many ways, you’ve lost your mother too. There are several things happening here that involve cultural, familial, and developmental issues and we will walk through each of them.

However, the first thing I would encourage you to do is STOP LOOKING AT YOUR MOM’S PHONE. Whatever you believe you are doing by looking at it one thing is certain: You are not going to feel better and it is an invasion of your mom’s privacy. If the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t want her to do this to you. You already have too much information and don’t know what to do with what you already have. Looking for more will only add to your burden, and very likely push you and your mother further apart.

Secondly, for many reasons, there isn’t a lot for you to do with the information you have. Culturally you are in a difficult position because to reveal what you know would require you to admit to explain that you’ve invaded your mother and father’s privacy, and this in and of itself may not only diminish how you are perceived by whom you tell but may discount your word altogether.

With that being said, I do think you should find a way to talk about what you’ve learned but in a safe way. Sending us an email was a very good start. The work for you now is to find a trusted person to talk to about your own feelings about your mom, not so much about what she did or didn’t do—but your feelings about it. This will give you a safe place to release your feelings, and help get yourself feeling better.

I think a good way of doing this is to talk to someone in your school. Perhaps there is a teacher of counselor you can talk to about this that will be able to hear how stressful this information has been for you to carry.

Finally, you may also want to ask to see a therapist. Very legitimately you can say that you are having very difficult feelings related to your father’s death. To find someone in your area you can go to the “find help” tab at the top of the page, or you can ask a trusted teacher or counselor at the school to help you see a professional.

The key is to find a safe place where you can talk about what all of this feels like. You’ve taken a great first step here. Now it is time to take the next.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Memory Loss of Loved One Who Died

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 9th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

When I was 4 years old, my grandpa passed away of Pancreatic Cancer. Everyone in my family has always told me that my grandpa loved me, and I loved him. My grandma even told me that my grandpa was afraid that I would forget about him.

It was February 2, 2005, and apparently, I was in the room when my grandpa passed away. When I say that I cannot remember a single thing about that man, I am not joking or exaggerating. I pray every night that I would be able to get some kind of recollection of my memories of my grandpa, but instead, I am left with an empty feeling inside.

I have always wondered if I was just too young to remember him since I was only 4, but I can remember stupid and little things from before then, just not about my grandpa. For instance, I had my 4th birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, and I can remember the feeling of the mascot’s paw on my hand from that day, but I can’t even remember anything about a man that was in my life for 4 years.

I get so angry at myself and at him because I let myself forget him, but he also did not leave me anything to remember him by. I ask all the time if he wrote letters or gave me anything, but sadly, there’s nothing.

I also wonder if maybe it’s because of the fact that I was apparently so in love with my grandpa and attached to him that I forced myself to forget about him when he died. I know that trauma can cause your brain to disassociate in order to protect itself, but I really wish that did not happen. My grandma says that me and her were the only ones in the room when my grandpa died and we both cried ourselves to sleep after he passed away.

I guess I just want to know why I am completely incapable of remembering someone who seemed to have been my best friend. I am 19 now, so he has been dead for 15 years, going on 16. I have struggled with this issue for a LONG time because I get jealous of my friends for taking their grandparents for granted while I struggle to remember mine.

Please let me know an answer. ANYTHING HELPS! (From the USA)

Love and loss have a profound effect on our senses, memory, and well-being. I think all of the things you’ve pointed to as possibilities for not being able to remember are relevant. They are all real candidates for why he may be difficult to remember. Yet, our memories are not like set stone. They change and shift as we recall and add information to our recollections.

My advice is to pull together a living biography of your grandfather. Talk to those who knew him, ask for stories — particularly stories where you might have been involved. Search for photos, stories, and artifacts of his. Everything has the potential of being valuable. Talk to your parents about their stories of him, and any family members alive that knew him.

Just as with biographies we read we come to know someone through the particulars of their life as seen through other’s eyes. The search for photos, videos and the like are important as hearing his voice and seeing interaction can have a great impact on constructing a person’s story.

If you feel inspired there are ancestry tracing services, such as these, that can take a bit of your DNA and help you learn about your family tree — and, of course, your grandfather. All of these methods are ways for you to construct an understanding, honoring, and recollection of who your grandfather was.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Can’t Get Over My Ex

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 28th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Me and my ex have been broken up for 2 years now. We met when I was a senior in high school 18yo and he was 21. About 2 and a half years older. We broke up because he had to leave Florida for a job in Chicago after college and I was told that’s the only reason. Our relationship was going good and we both really liked each other but apparently he liked the thought of the job and his potential life in Chicago more or maybe he felt it was just something he had to do. 2 months before he had to move away he broke up with me because he realized he was probably going to move away and he didn’t want to hurt me anymore than he had to and thought it’d be smart to end it earlier than later. I freaked out and basically lost my mind and was beyond depressed until we got back together. He texted me telling me he missed me and we got back together until right before he had to move. Ever since he moved and away and we broke up I’ve been severely depressed and even felt suicidal at times. I basically just feel like my whole life has been taken away and I can’t stop thinking about him. I literally think about him 24/7 and feel an unbearable pain every time I think about him and it’s just too much. Usually people take a bit and get over their ex, but it’s been 2 years and I still would do anything for me and him to get back together. I still think about him first thing when I wake up and last thing before I go to bed and I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with him. He was just an average looking (to most people) very nice normal guy that was going to college and as soon as I met him I instantly fell in love. I’ve tried everything possible but I just can’t get over him and I seriously need help. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life and it’s all day every day. Please help.

To make this change will require deliberate effort. There is no easy shortcut. When you allow your thoughts to return to the loss and look for him to return, it doesn’t give you the chance to grieve. Breaking up is difficult, but ruminating about it can be even more devastating. If you want to feel better you will need some support to make the change. Reaching out here to LifeHelper is a great first step. The way to follow this up is by finding a support group or individual therapy. As far as books are concerned I like the daily meditations offered in the book The Language of Letting Go. They can be applied to your situation and will help you untangle from your ex.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Don’t Know What’s Going On Anymore. I Want To Give Up

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 17th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello. I think I’m going crazy and it scares me. I’ve always had anxiety and phobias and ocd since I was young. I’ve never been properly diagnosed but it’s quite obvious. anyways, my mental health started getting bad when my cousin died. I had a existential crisis it seemed like and thought nothing mattered . I was scared of death. I slowly became a hypocandriac and became obsessive with thinking something was wrong with me. I would search online for hours and hours and cry. Anyways , fast forward to this summer. I was scared I would have a stroke. I was constantly checking websites of teenagers having strokes and think I was having symptoms. And it scared me. I would constantly cry. One night I was really tired and I thought I was gonna have a stroke and I had a panic attack and after I didn’t feel real. Everything felt disconnected and scary. I didn’t know what was wrong. I thought I was dying. I think it was dpdr ? Maybe? It made me bed ridden for 2 months. I didn’t do anything. I would get super overwhelmed. The dpdr made me unable to do anything. Well I somewhat got better and ignored dpdr and such and started getting out again and then boom. It’s back. And now I’m scared of schizophrenia and psychosis ? I’m terrified. I’m so scared and hopeless . I want to feel human and normal again. I miss life. I truly don’t think I could ever get better. And now I question everything about life. I feel so far from reality and everything seems 2D. And I have intrusive thoughts about life constantly . I can literally look at my siblings and be like what even are humans , we are so fragile , what’s the point of living anymore and such. Even looking at roads make me overthink. I cannot control my thoughts. What if I’m on the edge of psychosis ?? It scares me so much I can’t sleep. I often also do things obsessively. It’s bad. I just wanna know what’s wrong with me. I feel so lost and alone and hopeless. I don’t know what else to say. This is all over the place. I want my life back. I wanna know what’s wrong with me. The only time I feel okay is if I’m sleeping or around people doing something… but if I’m alone ; in the car ; etc I feel horrible. Help. Pls. I don’t feel real.

Part of the problem involves the fact that you have had anxiety, phobias and an obsessive-compulsive disorder since you were young. This means that they have gone untreated for many years. That is a shame because they are highly treatable conditions. Had you received help, early on, you may not be experiencing these problems today.

You mentioned that your cousin died. This likely exacerbated your symptoms. It’s not uncommon for a loss to exacerbate already existing symptoms. It may have made you feel further out of control. That could explain why you have become obsessed with your health. This is sometimes referred to as health anxiety. Health anxiety could be a symptom of a somatic disorder or it could simply be a symptom of anxiety disorder. No matter the cause, it requires treatment.

You also mentioned the possibility of depersonalization/derealization disorder. This is a dissociative disorder that can cause a person to experience the feeling of being outside of their body (depersonalization) or the feeling that the external world seems unreal (derealization). The feeling of being disconnected from reality can be unsettling and disorienting.

The best course of action is to consult a mental health professional. That should’ve happened years ago but it’s never too late. It may be best to see both a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist. Some of the best types of therapies for the symptoms you have described include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). You might also consider choosing a therapist who is trained in trauma. Sometimes, they are referred to as “trauma-informed” therapists.

Anti-anxiety drugs, and potentially antidepressants, may be helpful in reducing your anxiety symptoms. You might also benefit from a sleeping medication, at least during this very difficult time. What medication may be best for you is something you should discuss with your doctor.

What’s most concerning is your asking the question “what’s the point of living anymore?” It’s easy to feel that way when you’re experiencing so much distress but realize that your symptoms are highly treatable. Consulting a therapist and a psychiatrist is the ideal solution to this problem. They have dealt with people experiencing very similar problems and are trained to know how to help.

Sometimes people don’t seek help because they don’t have money or insurance coverage. In that case, it’s best to start with a Google search to determine if there is a community mental health center available to you. Community mental health centers often provide free or low-cost services. If you are a college student, you might try the student counseling center. They offer free services to students or they can refer you to a provider in the community.

Another consideration is to check with your local university to see if there are any ongoing mental health-oriented studies searching for participants. Participating in studies gives you free access to cutting-edge treatments, and you are usually paid for your time.

I hope that you are able to find the help that you’re looking for. If you cannot keep yourself safe, go immediately to the emergency room or call the crisis team. They will protect you and get you the help that you need. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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How to Cope with Friendships Ending

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 10th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Let me first start out by saying I am not gay whatsoever, nor is the person I’m about to talk about. That person we are to talk about is a male, and for privacy we’ll call him John instead of his real name.

I work for a company that requires training after starting. When I got to the hotel all the new guys were to be staying at, I wasn’t expecting to have a roommate. So, whenever I get inside and I check in, the lady tells me my roommate has already checked in; I give her a look and say “okay, thank you” i then walk my stuff up to the room.

When I get inside, I see my roommate sitting on the bed on his computer, normal as can be, he’s a real chill guy, real cool. To keep things short, “John” and I basically built up a friendship by telling each other’s life stories (consisting of us both being engaged, when and where we were getting married to our fiancée’s, where the honeymoon’s were to be; also where we went to school, our age, previous work places, etc…all the basics), cutting up all week, and all that.

Now, come end of training, we’ll go back to our “districts” which ours are about 3 and a half hours apart so basically hanging out and going out with other friends isn’t really an option, so the friendship we built up, probably won’t last. I think we became close friends so quick because we are somewhat just alike in how we act.

Moral of the story is, I hate when I make a new friend (a close one at that) then our friendship all of a sudden ends rather quickly or comes to almost a halt due to something we can’t control, and it ending within a very short period of time after meeting that person.

I suppose it’s just part of my personality, but when this happens it bums me out for a few days. This has happened a few times with people I’ve met, which is one reason why I have a hard time making new friends, is because I don’t know if they’re going to stay in my life for a long time or just a season.

I’m looking for ways to cope with this now and in the future.
Thanks.

There’s an old saying that some friends are for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. All are valuable. All give us companionship and support in this crazy thing called life. But, as the saying says, not all of the people we meet and like will be lifetime friends. Some will teach us something we need to know. Some will be important to us for awhile. And probably about 3 – 5 will be close, lifetime friends. (That’s the average, by the way. Most people have 3 – 5 good friends who stick with each other for a very long time.)

It makes sense to me that you connected with your fellow trainee so quickly. You were both in a novel and perhaps anxiety-provoking situation. You had much in common. You were thrown together many hours of every day. It makes absolute sense that by the end of the training, you felt the potential was there for a lifetime buddy. But then reality in the form of distance and regular life stepped in. If he lived next door to each other, you might have kept it going. But, you’re right, living 3 hours apart means that you won’t have the opportunity to get to know each other better or to widen the circle by including your fiances and by doing things together regularly.

Value that “friendship” for what it was — one of the “for a season” kind. In this case the “season” was the training period. Or maybe it was one of the “for a reason” type — in that it may have helped each of you manage a challenging training while away from the people who love you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is It Wrong to Be Attracted to My Daughter’s Boyfriend’s Single Dad?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 5th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: My 27 year old daughter and her 34 year old boyfriend have been together for almost 7 years.  Recently his father came for a visit and he was instantly attracted to me and we did hit it off even though I kind of felt that it was wrong.

I am usually the pursuer; but this time I was blindsided; he is everything that I have been looking for in a man.  I have been married twice before and I have had several failed relationships in the past; it is so refreshing to have someone that truly cares for me.

It’s just such an odd situation; I’m friends with his ex, which is my daughter’s boyfriend’s mom.  But that’s only because we share a grandson together.

My other daughter, who is 23, says as long as I am happy, but it is a little strange.  I don’t want to step on any toes; the boyfriend’s dad and mom haven’t been together in over 30 years.  But I’m ready to be happy; I lost my mom almost 7 years ago and I have just been so lonely.  I have been praying for someone to come into my life; I just didn’t think it would be so close to home.

You are right to be cautious. I appreciate how you are trying to deal with this situation sensitively. On the face of it, though unusual, this situation makes a kind of sense. Your daughter is with a man who was raised by this man. It makes sense to me that you and your daughter are attracted to similar qualities that the two men possess. Since the man and his ex have not been together for 30 years, it’s likely he has resolved his own divorce and is ready for a relationship.

However, there are two red flags in your letter. One is your history of failed relationships. Unless you have done some meaningful therapeutic work, you may be overlooking some red flags of your own. Further, you reported that you have been lonely since the loss of your mother 7 years ago. That suggests that your grief is unresolved. Your judgment may be clouded because you are aching for someone to fill that emotional hole in your life. However wonderful he is, he won’t fill the hole left by your mother.

For those reasons, if you want this relationship to have a chance, I do think a few sessions with a therapist is in order. You need to resolve your grief around the loss of your mom. And you need to be sure you aren’t finding another repeat of your mistaken choices of men.

If you do that and you and the therapist agree that you are truly available for love by a different kind of guy, by all means explore what could be a promising match.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Feel Distant from Deceased Friend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 10th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My friend died earlier 2011 of suicide; only a few months into the year as a matter of fact. I met her in September 2009 my senior year of High School, and spent time with her every day or every other day, for varying lengths of the day (sometimes a whole class -we had gym for the first half of that school year- and some 5 minute periods before and after the last class, sometimes only those 5 minute periods). We also saw each other at dances and such. And we became close friends, and I eventually considered her a best friend. And, as a matter of fact, had feelings for her beyond friends. We hung out together throughout my Senior year, though it became less in the second half the year (we no longer had gym the second half, though we still met before and after the last two classes of the day with our group of friends, and eventually that half of the year I went to her lunch period to spend time). I took this girl to prom (though nothing intimate occurred as we were not dating), was with her at 3 graduation parties (one being my own), and a few other event though not more than maybe 2. Once I graduated was when we steadily stopped seeing each other. I kept in touch on Facebook, and Texted what I thought at the time was quite a lot (I believe it was once a week or once every two weeks at least), but whenever I asked to hangout, they were always busy. I still considered her close and important friend for all that happened in that year I knew her, because we had gotten very close. This period after we stopped seeing one another at all is the Fall and Winter of 2010. I still tried to keep in touch via text, though today, I’m not sure whether those amounted too much more than “Can you hangout?” “Not this week, sorry.” “Ok.” which I’m frightened may be true, though part of me also wants to say that while some of the texts were like that, many many others were me striking up conversations and asking how her day or week was.

I was working on making things better, and repairing the relationship and trying to see her as frequently the spring and summer of 2011 as I had the spring and summer of 2010, and that was my plan. And then they passed away a couple months into this year. This emotionally crippled me for a long time. I considered this girl like my sister, and someone I loved both like a sister, and romantically. My summary of our relationship here is limited, so it doesn’t explain the scope of every moment, but if what I say of us here looks limited, I will say our time together at least felt like quite a lot.
And in the months afterward up until now, I had the feeling of dearly missing her, and hurting at her loss, but viewing her as someone who was a dear and close friend I knew for a long time who loved me and who I loved.

But recently, things just feel wrong. I feel distant from her. And I fear maybe it wasn’t all I thought it was. I look through the calendar, and we knew each other from September of 2009 up to March of 2011. And that time looks so short, and because of that, it feels so small. Of that time, I factor in that we only spent a portion of the day together, sometimes not every day when we were in High School from September 2009 to June 2010, and we didn’t see one another except for special occasions after that until maybe August, after which we didn’t see each other at all. I saw her for 10-minute periods in January and February of 2011, but that was all. And I thought before I made up for not seeing her by keeping in touch on Facebook and Texting, but I realize I perhaps only posted 20 times on her Facebook if that, and as I brought up previous I fear perhaps my texting mostly equated to asking her to visit me rather than anything of substance. With that in account, I have the sinking feeling maybe we weren’t that much of friends at all. I know I thought we were before, and it felt like we were, but it seems so little. I feel numb over all this emotionally. And it leaves me feeling perhaps like I don’t have the right to mourn if it didn’t amount to much at all, and if I do it’s more as the kid who had one class with her or something rather than a close friend. I don’t like this, because even if they’re gone, I want the feelings of that love and closeness I felt before to remain.

I need to know how to cope with this (the feeling distant and feeling like we really weren’t close is what I mean specifically), and maybe if I shouldn’t fret as much as I am over all this.

Thank you for writing about the grief from the loss of your friend. When we lose someone important to us it can be heartbreaking and very confusing. It is a challenge for us to stay on course with our lives and our feelings.

Typically the kind of loss you are talking about is helped by talking about these feelings with a grief counselor. The Find Help tab at the top of the page will help you locate a person in your area.

What I can tell you is that your feelings make sense to me. The confusion about what to feel and reviewing your relationship is very common following this kind of loss. I highly recommend finding a grief counselor for a short bit of therapy to help you sort things through.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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