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Help with Sleep Problems

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am concerned because for the past few months, I feel as if I just don’t sleep what I should. I know that this is a general problem within society, but I feel something is genuinely wrong. Each night I go to bed, either early or late because I am with friends or working on school work or working and on those nights I roughly get about 3 to 4 hours of sleep, which of course is on my own doing, and then during the next day I may take a 2 to 3 hour nap and then the next night I will have trouble sleeping, which I believe is put on by the naps during the day, but I don’t always take naps. And even when I don’t hang out with friends or school and what not, and I go to bed at a decent time, I find myself consistently waking up in the middle of the night and staying up researching colleges because I have not been happy with my overall choice in schooling.

I have tried taking a small dose of melatonin vitamins, which I have still woken up in the middle of the night and have tried larger doses and sleep aides (not together, but at separate times) and I still wake up in the middle of the night doing the same things. I guess I am just genuinely concerned with my well being because each day I wake up after a few hours, exhausted whether it be my own doing or my mind constantly racing about the future and what it holds. Most of my nights are spent this way, but I do get lucky and have a few 6 to 8 hour nights of sleep. Even when I try to relax, I still mostly feel restless and like I have so much to do and I blame myself for everything if something isn’t done or it isn’t done right. Should I be concerned or is this just a long ordeal of stress?

Yes, you should be concerned. Sleep deprivation can lead to illness and bad decisions. At 19, you need 6 to 8 hours of restorative sleep every night to be at your best. But from what you told me, it makes sense that sleep aids aren’t helping. Your sleeplessness seems to be a symptom of a larger problem. You are focusing on the sleep. I’m thinking you should be focusing on what it is that is making you so anxious about your future, your schooling, and your choices. You aren’t able to shut down your worries at night so of course you can’t sleep.

I suggest you get at the root cause of your sleep problems directly. Most colleges have a career center. Please make an appointment to talk to a counselor there about your school and career choices. If there isn’t a career center, consider whether there is another resource on campus such as a counseling center or pastoral counselor. Many teachers are also happy to talk to an interested student. You might also find this article helpful.

Meanwhile, there are some things you can do about sleep. Get regular in your sleep habits. Go to bed at the same time every night. Do not let yourself take naps. Eliminate caffeine. Read and study somewhere other than in your bed. You want bed to be associated with sleep. If you can’t sleep, don’t toss and turn. It only makes a person more anxious. Instead, get up and write down your thoughts and feelings. Then go back to bed.

I think a combination of dealing with your worries directly and taking charge of your sleep hours will help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Can I End The Pain?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My name is irrelevant much like my life. It’s hard to find a place to start, so I guess I will start with my childhood. My parents were extremely overprotective of me. In other words, I was “hidden” from most of my childhood. I was in a small school with no friends. The kids would always mock me and beat me up. When I came home from school bloody, my parents would ask what happened. I would always tell them that it was sports or that I fell. When I came of age, (highschool) I rebelled against everything and everyone and I think this is where my actually depression begain. As highschool went on I got involved with drugs (nothing hardcore) like weed. I was never liked by any girls in highschool and was liked by a select group that was just as messed up as I was. Anyway moving along after I graduated highschool I went to college and was living with my aunt on my mom’s side of the family. She had said that I could stay there until I found someone to room with out at school. She ended up kicking me out of her house for no reason 2nd semester. I then moved in with one friend that I had 150 miles from my school. Since I lost my job from the move I couldn’t stay in college and dropped out. I found a job at a gas station eventually and met some people that were into cocaine. It’s a long story but to make it short, I was 19 years old and shot in the knee with a .38 special. I then went back home and got heavially involved with drugs. I was doing weed all the time cocaine, any pills you can think of. I was diagnosed with serious depression in which the doctor gave me more pills. I abused them and he said that he could not help me. It is also important to note that I have tried to kill myself by hanging, cutting, shooting, and ODing. I realized that I had to try to help myself so I quit all the drugs and started drinking. My depression lightened a bit. I thought I had finally beat it. But recently I moved to a new state and it keeps resurfacing. I just want to find love and a reason to be here. I’m also a virgin and at 23 longing to find someone that won’t judge you negativally because of that is extremely hard. I’m just so tired. So sick. So distant. So lonely. So hurt. So angry. I had these things well but you can only bury so much before it explodes. I’m afraid that I’m going to either kill myself or go on a killing spree. PLEASE HELP ME! Tell me how to make the pain end finally so I can have rest and peace.

I am sorry you are suffering. Realize there is help for you. It is not clear from your letter whether you have help or support from family, friends or mental health professionals. My assumption is that you do not. If so, this is what is lacking. You are dealing with a multitude of complicated issues and you need support. Research shows that people who have a support system have an easier time managing psychological distress than those who don’t. People who have the support of others are also less likely to commit suicide.

Your issues began as a young child. Your parents were overprotective. This may have led to problems in your development. You felt like an outcast in high school. Ultimately, you wound up with legal trouble and using drugs and alcohol. Usually people who use drugs and alcohol do so to bury their problems. You were briefly successful in stopping your drug use and dealing with your depression. That success was short-lived, perhaps because you lacked a support system and because it is simply difficult to stop drugs and alcohol “cold turkey.”

You must be suffering tremendously to believe that harming yourself or other people is the solution to your problems. You must realize that it isn’t. When people cannot think of an alternative way to relieve their suffering they oftentimes decide to kill themselves, or worse, kill others. Usually these decisions are made impulsively in the midst of great emotional turmoil. They’re not well thought out. It’s difficult to think logically when you’re driven by strong emotions. Those who have attempted suicide and lived, usually find they can be helped and can get better.

You did not mention anywhere in your letter whether you have tried counseling. There are millions of people who feel like you and were able to be helped with counseling. In fact, many people are in counseling because of an issue stemming from their childhood. We cannot control what happened in our youth but we have the potential to alter the course of our lives as adults. As adults, we have a responsibility to correct the mistakes made by our parents. You have the power to do this. Your parents no longer control you or your behavior. You are free to do what you want. Overcoming depression is not going to be easy and it’s going to take a lot of work but counseling is the ideal place to deal with your problems. I strongly suggest you consider this approach. Choose life over death.

If you feel that you want to harm yourself or others go immediately to the emergency room. It is important to go to an emergency room if you’re having thoughts of harming yourself or somebody else. The emergency room can protect you from destroying your life or the life of others.

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Was this reconnection a mistake?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

recently an ex-boyfriend came into my life. He had been diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. I reconnected with him in a telephone call and went to visit him. He also has a hernia that looks like it weighs 10+ pounds on top of dealing with his heart condition. I care about him but also respect his wife. I informed his wife that we are only “friends” and will communicate with her every step of the way regarding his condition and I also requested as a friend if I could speak with him directly to see how he is doing and she is okay with this, but I am feeling that he wants his cake and eat it too. And, I am beginning to think this re-connection was a mistake and want to disconnect because of the emotional toll of seeing him in this condition and also, I want to respect his wife and family as well.
Please advise!

It may also be that your old friend is feeling pretty unattractive and scared and depressed. One way for him to manage all those difficult emotions may be to fantasize something romantic being kindled between the two of you. That may help him but it will threaten his wife and make life difficult for you. He’s too self-involved right now to take other people’s feelings into consideration so he may well be oblivious to how you and his wife are feeling.

I have a guess that you are feeling in a bind. You don’t want to be unkind but the situation has become more complicated and emotionally charged than you signed on for. You may be worried that if you distance yourself, this man will feel even worse about himself. If you don’t, his wife may read more into it than you intend and he may think you’re interested in an affair.

You were right to be clear with his wife and to connect with her as well as with him. If you have the time and energy to be friends with the couple, you could be an important support to both. I do suggest that you see them together until this gentleman understands that you are not girlfriend material. If you can’t handle dealing with both his condition and his unrealistic expectations, then the kindest thing to do would be to tell him that he has the wrong idea and that you can’t offer him the distraction of flirtation and romantic possibilities. You could tell him that you are flattered but since you are unwilling to be “the other woman,” you need to step away. Offer him your best wishes for regaining his health and say goodbye. If that’s your choice, you don’t need to feel guilty. He was the one that made the situation untenable, not you.

I do appreciate how hard this is. You had nothing but good intentions. But sometimes we find ourselves over our heads. In my opinion, it’s better to recognize it and do something about it than to allow yourself to be swept up into the situation and to inadvertently lead the old boyfriend on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Afraid to be Open with Therapist

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I recently started seeing a therapist at my University because of anxiety, and I want to tell her about something that happened 4 years ago that I’ve never told anyone. I was 15. My boyfriend wanted me to give him oral sex, which I’d never done before, and I didn’t want to. He got really, really, angry and got on top of me and I couldn’t push him off, and I was scared of what he might do, so I said I’d do it, and I did. I don’t know for sure if he was going to rape me or if he just wanted to scare me, but at the time I thought he was going to, so I chose what I thought was a better alternative. Anyway I get anxious with my boyfriend sometimes and I think it’s because of what happened, but every time I think about telling her I feel sick and panicky like I can’t breathe. I think she’s going to be understanding and sympathetic like she always is but what if she isn’t? I can’t stop worrying about it. And I don’t understand why, because I really like her, and she’s always been kind and has never been judgemental. But all the same, I’ve imagined every possible, terrible scenario: her being angry I didn’t mention it sooner, her not believing me, her asking why I didn’t fight back, etc. So with these fears in my head, I keep putting it off. But this pressure keeps building because I really need to tell someone and I want it to be her. I want her to say “it wasn’t your fault.” But it scares me to need that from her so much because if she doesn’t say that or something similar I’m going to have a breakdown right there in her office. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve never cared about anyone’s opinion on anything as much I do hers regarding this. I guess I just need reassurance from someone on the outside, because I’m REALLY stressing over this. I don’t mean to group you therapists into one category, but in general do therapists get angry when clients keep secrets from them? And would you consider what happened rape, if oral sex, as I keep hearing, is sex? Any good therapist (which she is) wouldn’t judge the action I took, right? Because even though I think I should have fought more, I had to make a snap decision, and it’s not fair for anyone who wasn’t there at the time to judge the choice I made, and additionally I was only 16 which is still fairly young. So I should just go for it and tell her, right?

Please trust yourself. You have good instincts and from everything you’ve said, I think you can trust your judgment about your therapist. No good therapist is going to judge you. You were only 15. You were scared. You’ve kept it all bottled up so long, it’s hard to even think about uncorking the bottle. But you also know that part of what is making your life challenging now is that you were scared into keeping this secret. You were traumatized! Worse, you were abused by someone you thought you loved and who you thought loved you. And, yes, it’s rape to be forced to do a sexual act against your will. We therapists hear this kind of story all too often. We don’t judge someone’s pain. We try to help you free yourself of it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Mother-in-Law Refuses To Speak to Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My mother-in-law wont accept my apology. My in-laws came to visit the kids right before Halloween, I had a sign hanging that said “I wanted to be a witch for Halloween but my mother-in-law wouldn’t loan me a dress”. When I hung it I meant no ill feelings towards her, I just thought it was a funny saying. After she saw it and went home she was offended. She talked to my husband and said she couldn’t believe we felt that way about her and she wouldn’t feel comfortable in our house any more. She also told him she couldn’t believe he would allow me to hang it in the house.

Once he told me, I felt awful. Once I looked at it in a new light and could see how she may get offended. She doesn’t know me that well and we all have a different sense of humor. Her and I also have not always gotten along in the past, but we had come to a better point in our relationship.

I wanted to call her right then but my husband said she was upset, that I should probably wait until the next day. Feeling horrible that I could have hurt her I sent an apologetic e-mail. Then the next day I tried to call her and her voicemail was full of messages, so I sent her a little text saying I was sorry from the bottom of my heart. It has been a week and I haven’t gotten any response and she will not take my calls. This has put stress on my relationship with my husband and I’m not sure there is any more I can do. I am starting to get upset because I feel this has gotten out of hand.

One of my wise teachers had a saying I’ve always kept in mind: “Never attribute malice to what is merely stupid.” Yes, you did something that was thoughtless. But your mother-in-law’s reaction is way over the top, especially since you’ve apologized. Your husband is caught it the middle, poor thing. My guess is that this is an old pattern with his mother and he’s done his best to avoid getting into this kind of situation with her. Unfortunately, you walked into it. He probably doesn’t know how to support both of you.

So — my suggestion is that you apologize to your husband for inadvertently putting him in a tough spot. Ask him to tell his mother that he is not responsible for your slips, that you’ve made your apologies and now she needs to deal with you. Ask him what he thinks of this suggestion. (He does know his mother well, after all.) — Take the sign down. Send mother-in-law flowers, let her know that you now understand how the sign could be insulting and you’re sorry. Then add that it would be sad if she didn’t want to get past this but you’ll respect her decision and will wait for when she feels comfortable talking to you again. Then wait. To make more of this only makes things worse. My guess is that in a week or two, things will calm down and she’ll act as if nothing ever happened since she doesn’t seem to be the type to talk things out.

I wish you luck with this. If she insists on staying mad, there’s really nothing more you can do except hope that time will heal.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Becoming My Abusive Mother?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have for a long time believed my mother to be emotionally abusive. Recently after a fight with her, I began to google general characteristics of emotionlly abusive/narcissistic mothers, to reassure myself but I found several things that reminded me of my relationship with my 6-year-old little sister.

I often tell her, and myself, that I only want the best for her and that I want her to have the life I never had. I often buy her candies and toys because I feel like my parents give her even less attention than they did for me, but recently I’ve noticed that I’ve been telling her that I can’t buy certain things because they are too expensive. To reassert my point, I sometimes say things like “You don’t need that” or “You don’t really want that.”

I’m afraid that I’m manipulating my sister like my mother manipulates me. I’m also afraid that I am developing NPD because while I worry about spending too much money on her, I seem to have no problem spending money on myself, especially after a period of depression. I also noticed that I tend to give my sister my old things instead of buying new things and I’ve read that narcissists’ overly self-centered personalities cause them to give hand-me-downs to others and new things to themselves.

I like to think that I am being a good sister, but I’m afraid I’m just lying to my sister and myself. I just want to know how I can tell if my sister is affected by my recent behavior or not and how I can help her if she is.

With 12 years difference between you and your little sister, you are an important adult in her life. My guess is that she has always looked up to you. So, yes, how you behave towards her does affect her. Because you are so much older, you are a role model as well as a sister.

You are asking very, very good questions. At 18, you are at the age where you are sorting through your experiences and deciding what kind of person you want to be. You are trying out being generous and being selfish; being self-critical and self-forgiving; being manipulative and being indulgent. Although you could decide to be narcissistic, you have had the experience of being treated poorly by a narcissist so I don’t think you’ll go that route. But it is a choice. By looking clearly at what you are doing, you are taking an essential step in the right direction.

It’s wonderful that you buy your little sister treats but she doesn’t need those things as much as she needs your loving attention. A few minutes reading to her most nights or coloring with her or just chatting and snuggling will put more into her emotional bank than any candy bar ever could. How you give her your things matters more than the fact that they are old or new. Little sisters love to get jewelry and scarfs and things from big sisters when they feel they are being given something special that connects them to their hero.

Keep it positive. Give her attention and encouragement. You’ll find you get as much as you give from the relationship. It’s pretty wonderful to be seen as special through the eyes of a child. Meanwhile, keep asking those good questions and making good decisions for yourself. Your relationship with your sister is important for the two of you and it’s also important as a rehearsal for how you will be in realationships in general.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Fear of Relationship Future

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

First of all I want to say sorry if I don’t write in English well.
I am 26 years old and have been friend with my boyfriend when I was 21(5years). He is 6 months older than me.
We have a good relationship and love each other bud I am worry about future.
He never ever talks about the future of our relationship. About 2 years ago when we were talking I asked him what do you think about our future? He answered “I don’t think about marrying yet so don’t think about marrying with you too! We decided to talk about future next year (last year). The time passed but he never told anything about that….. 1 month ago I said I don’t want be closer with you because I am 26 years old and in gold age if we want be separate from each other (I mean finishing friendship) it will be to hard and I don’t want to make it harder. He only says breaking up with you will be really hard to me too! And confirmed what I said about my age… I said you don’t think about what I said 2 years ago, he said ohhhhh I think about it too much but you are right I should tell you what I think. I couldn’t continue talking because should go to home. I was waiting he say something after that but day passed after day he did not say even one word!! And our friendship is continuing…I said we have a really good relationship and both of us effort to building it.i guess one of the reasons he doesn’t talk about future he don’t want to make any Commitment to prevent from conscience torment in future. I feel angry and concerned. Someone heard my story and told me he has not stability in his life yet and we he become stable will understand a girls he want is not you and will leave you…!!! I cant decide what should I do, I really love him but I cant be undecided anymore…he doesn’t ask me for more time even! Maybe I have never been serious about this subject and he thinks I wont leave him….I really need your help…please tell me what should I do near keeping my self-esteem .thanks a lot.

If a long-term relationship is what you want with a marriage commitment then I would be very clear about this and have the discussion about each of your expectations. Find out what he is hoping for in this relationship – and be clear about what you want. Relationships are difficult to maneuver even when goals and intentions are clear, and in your situation there is a need for greater clarity about the direction each of you is looking for. Only then can you determine where the future potential in the relationship lies.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend and I Disagree on More Kids

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend has a child from a previous marriage. Well ive been feeling like “my clock is ticking” i know im only 22 but i cant stop thinking about having a baby. I dont know how to talk about it with my boyfriend and when i try he doesnt understand where im coming from and he says “i already have one” and it hurts my feelings cause its like hes saying “well i have one and u dont and too bad for u” and he says he wants more kids but when hes ready and then sometimes he say if i got pregnant it wouldnt be a problem and he wouldnt care cause he wants to have a baby with me and it will be just sooner rather than later. It confuses me. So how do i bring up the subject and see if he would rather have one now than later since he says it wouldnt be a problem anyways?

You don’t bring it up. Neither one of you is ready to have a baby. Your focus should be on each other and making your relationship as deep and solid as you can. Babies need to have parents who are fully committed to making a life together. Nowhere in your letter do you mention such a commitment or marriage.

At 22, your biological clock for bearing children is certainly not ticking. I have a guess that the talk about babies is more about wanting to pull your boyfriend closer to you. He does have a big commitment elsewhere. His other child will always be his first one. He will always have responsibilities toward that child. You can’t compete with that and you shouldn’t.

At some point, you will also be one of the adults in that child’s life. She or he will be spending time with the two of you and there will be times when you will effectively be a co-parent. It’s important for you to embrace that as an opportunity to love and make a difference in another young person’s life. Your relationship with the child and with your boyfriend, and your success as a parent to your own biological child will be affected by how you manage it.

When your boyfriend says he already has one, it is probably his way of telling you that he isn’t ready to add emotional and financial responsibility for another child to his life at this point. You should be in full support of his involvement and financial support of the child he already has. How he manages those obligations will be reflected in how he handles parenting a child you eventually have together.

Unlike your boyfriend, I don’t have trouble telling you that a pregnancy at this point is a very big problem. It’s unfair to your boyfriend, to your future child, and to yourself. You have more growing to do before you can be the kind of mother every child deserves.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Losing Game of Cat and Mouse

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Serbia: Hello,first of all i want to say that i am sorry for possible mistakes because my English is not perfect.This is my story:
When i was 17 i met some guy on Facebook and he was 30 and he had a girlfriend.I thought it’s ok because it is just chatting.But 2 years after,i came to study in the same city where he is living.At that moment,his girlfriend was his fiance.I told him that i came to college and i thought it’s a good idea to meet him.When i met him i was so disappointed.I didn’t like him at all.But than he started to send me messages and he made me think about him and i started to have some kind of relationship with him.I told him that i didn’t have sex and he said that we can’t be together if we don’t have sex,but month after,he called me again and he said that he can wait.In February last year he told me that his fiance is pregnant and that we can’t see each other anymore.I was so sad and i told my mom,sister and some friends about that relationship.I was thinking about him,but 6 months after,i stopped.In September he called me again and we started to chat and i was with him again.I felt regret for his wife,she was pregnant and he called me,but i thought that he likes me because we still didn’t have sex and he called me,not some other girl with who he can have it easily.But little after New Year he stopped to call me,and few days ago i sent him message and he told me that he can’t be with me until we have sex.I found out that his girlfriend is rich so i guess maybe it is the reason why he is with her.I really don’t think that he likes her,cause he was chatting with me all the time,until she was just a girlfriend.I am so confused,i know that this is bad and i promised my family and friends that i will not make the same mistake,so i can’t tell about this anyone.I really don’t know what to do

What you should do is run. This guy is a cat and you’ve been his willing mouse. Why on earth would you want to have anything to do with a man who is betraying his pregnant wife by playing games with you? If he will do it to her, I assure you he will eventually do the same to you. Why are you letting this guy kind of blackmail you into having sex when you barely know each other? I would hope that you’ll only have sex with someone who loves you deeply and who wants to really be with you. And why are you willing to participate in this guy’s despicable behavior toward his wife instead of sending him home to deal with her honestly? If you were married, you’d be rightfully hurt and furious with any woman who didn’t back you up.

This man isn’t worth thinking about, yet you do. I wonder if the drama with this guy is helping you avoid thinking about why you haven’t found an appropriate person to love. You’ve given up 3 years when you could have been learning how to relate to men and finding a loving man to be in your life. Please stop occupying yourself with this destructive fantasy relationship and take an honest look at whether you really want romance. If you do, the next step is to figure out how to meet a quality guy who will cherish you for yourself and not demand sex as payment for the relationship. You deserve far better than what this man is offering.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Know There Is Something Wrong

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I don’t want to sound… paranoid, but I know there is something wrong with me. I just can’t figure out what and I am trying really hard to not self diagnose with the things I have been reading. So I guess I will start at the beginning:

When I was young I was fairly mature for my age. I would hold perfectly logical conversations with adults about adult things; the only problem was I was incredibly shy. I would hide away for a half an hour or more before I finally got used to the people around me. Then I would come out and talk etc. (This trait hasn’t really gone away.)

When I was in elementry school I had very few friends and was picked on for being different. When I went to my teachers for help they simply said that it would go away if I ignored them and to deal with it by myself (which I carried straight through the rest of my schooling.) During this time of schooling I was chased through the park and hit with a stone to the back of my head, left by a ‘friend’ in an area I didn’t know, and almost beaten by another ‘friend’.

Not long after these events I moved to a new place a fair ways away. Again I was ostricized. I will admit that I am not a skinny person, but their teasing made no sense since this is not what they made fun of. For the most part the only thing that occured there was general teasing. It was… peaceful.

Middle school was when things changed and looking back, when things started making me question if something was wrong. I was the favorite target in school… it was easy to upset me. My grades started dropping. I went from A’s and B’s to C’s and D’s. This of course upset my family… but I will get to that later. To be honest I can’t remember specific events, but this is when my personality started to change.

I was a very sweet quiet child, but suddenly I was getting an attitude with everyone and would yell at those who made fun of me. I wanted a way of defending myself and they didn’t listen when I talked so I yelled. Often I would do this in front of teachers and they would just watch. To me, it was like they were saying it was okay for these people to treat me like that. When I did get into real arguements… well frankly I don’t know what I say during the arguement. It’s like I completely blank out. I know I was argueing and yelling but have no clue what I said.

High school was… well let’s just say it wasn’t a place I’d like to go back to. I was often made fun of due to my interests (which is musicals.) Every chance they got, it just didn’t let up. One instance, during gym class, one sat down beside me and put his arm over my shoulders, which freaked me out. I kept telling him to get away and threatened him but he didn’t. Finally, my brain kicked in and I got up to tell the teacher who pushed it aside since, ‘he didn’t see it.’ I was furious.

My family during all this… they didn’t know. I never told them anything that happened. They knew I was teased but not how bad. (I didn’t know how bad it was until I was talking with someone about high school and without thinking called it mental torture. I live with my mother and grandmother. Both are very supportive (my mother more so). My grandmother was the type to do back handed things like, “You would be so pretty if you did…” whatever her kick was at the time… usually do something with my hair or lose weight. She was also the one who would frequently say that I had no reason to feel stressed or be upset. My father is a jerk. I honestly don’t know why we deal with him since he doen’t care about us.

So back on track the signs that I feel I’m showing: obviously, the lack of memory of arguements, I get angry at things at the drop of a pin, if I don’t do something right the first time I get upset, but I get even more upset if someone offers help, I am pretty sure my self-esteem died long ago, (this one was pointed out to me in high school by a friend) there would be mornings I would come in so cheerful and full of energy that I was practically buzzing around the classroom, but by lunch several hours later I’d be tired or pissy. (I still do that one) I tend to avoid situations where I meet new people, but I don’t suppose that’s unusual. The only other thing is that on the rare occasion when I get so stressed that I don’t know what to do, I will scratch at my arm. I never draw blood or anything and it goes away in a few hours, but it helps me deal…yes I knew that isn’t healthy.

I think that’s everything… like I said: I don’t want there to be something wrong, but I just get the feeling that what’s going on isn’t normal.

Thank you.

You have presented a very, very eloquent story about the long-term effects of bullying. Sadly, your experience is shared by many young people. For some mysterious reason you became a target, adults weren’t helpful (even when you asked), and you didn’t even get peace at home since your grandmother is also critical. Like many teens, you kept the situation to yourself. Perhaps you thought there was something wrong with you that you couldn’t handle it. Perhaps you thought that your teacher’s advice to “ignore it” would work. Maybe you thought that reporting it more strongly would only get you into more trouble with the bullies. Please don’t blame yourself for being confused and troubled when it seemed that there was no way to stop it. Again, it’s sadly typical.

The current interest in the media about bullying and its effects may have some impact. Hopefully, there will be less of it; fellow students will step in to stop it; teachers will take more responsibility for protecting vulnerable kids. I’m relieved that the issue is finally getting the attention it should get.

But that doesn’t help you now. You weren’t taken seriously by so many people who should have helped. I hope you can take yourself seriously now. What I think would be helpful is getting into therapy with someone who specializes in trauma. The accumulated effect of years of torment has left you doubting yourself, shutting out memory, socially avoidant, and sometimes unable to manage your own feelings. These are common consequences of trauma. Fortunately, there is treatment that can help you rebuild your self-esteem and restore your ability to trust people who are trustworthy.

I hope you will do for yourself what the grownups should have done years ago. As a young adult, you finally have the ability to get yourself help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Abusive Ex-Husband Has Changed

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I left my verbally abusive husband a year and a half ago. Through that time I had given him chances to make changes and get some help. He had made slight changes in regards to the time he wanted to spend with the family but that’s about it. I guess you can say we both gave up a few months ago and I moved on. I recently started dating someone and that is when things changed. My ex checked himself into a psychiatric hospital and has since gone on his much needed medicine. He is like a new person and finally saying everything I’ve ever wanted to hear. He doesn’t blame me for the issues any more and actually admits to the manipulation and abuse. It’s clear that this time is different and he has had some realizations about his behavior in the past and how important our son and I are too him, my questions is can I change now? Can I learn to trust him and not think everything is a manipulation. Can I not worry that saying the wrong thing will make him snap? It’s just so hard, I want to believe he has changed and I know this time is very different but is this a last effort to control the situation. He is not pressuring me to jump back into a relationship, he just wants to show me he has changed and in order to show me I have to break up with the new guy because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone involved. It’s also really hard to end it with the new guy because he is nice and things are so relaxed, the opposite of what I just came from. I just don’t want to make the wrong decision. I don’t know how it got so bad the first time around, I felt like I just woke up in this deep pit and I’m afraid of that happening again and if it did I know I would not have the support from family or friends the second time around. I guess my real question is can he really change for good? Can I change and truly be myself? And are there any programs or something I can suggest he/I be involved in to help our success? I like this new guy he makes me feel good about myself but I also really want to have a happy family and not share time with my son. It’s truly hard to think about letting either one of them go. I really think I’m leaning towards the ex but can’t even imagine what that would look like when all my friends and family hate him. All I ever wanted him to do was make theses changes and see things differently, how can I now walk away?

Go slow. It is wonderful to hear of all the changes that your husband has made. But let’s review the process. You have been separated for a year and a half and it came about because there weren’t significant sustainable changes. Now that you have started dating, your husband has been highly motivated. The question really is whether he is motivated for you or for him? Only time can answer this question. It is for too early to think about reconciliation, although a couple months is a very very good start. But that’s all it is.

It doesn’t sound like you have any big decision that needs to be forced. I would be sure to tell your new boyfriend about the struggle and don’t try to hide anything from your ex. In other words, get on with your life and see what evolves. If you see sustainable changes after a year or so with your husband, it may be something to reconsider. But before that amount of time has gone by I wouldn’t use a couple of months as the best indicator that the change will be long-lasting and something he’s doing for himself.

As you sort through this I would highly recommend individual therapy. The find help tab at the top of the page should help you find a local therapist in your area. You’ve taken a long time to make the decision to leave. Give yourself the opportunity to view this process with your husband from a distance. You don’t want to jump back in too soon.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Why Do I Keep Going Back To My Ex?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Ok i’m kind of have a feeling of being out of control. My ex and I broke up a month ago b/c he was a cheater and I found out many instances where he wasn’t faithful to me in our relationship-we were together for a year off and on (he flew out to visit ex g/f in cali and told me he was going mtn biking, emailed/chatted with Transexuals online, emailed girls on myspace, craigslist, dating websites etc). I’m 26 he is 27.

I kept going back to him, i don’t know why?! We broke up the day after christmas- i broke up with him he was being standoffish with me again and I couldn’t take it anymore. After a month of being friends (janurary til now). He was helping me train for a triatholon we ran 6 miles every weekend the month we were broken up. This past friday he wanted to take me out to dinner(i thought new beggings) and we had a great time and unfortunatly we ended up sleeping together after dinner. Oops! Next day didn’t hear from him while the whole previous week b4 this dinner he was texting me saying- i miss you, i love you, i can’t wait to see u etc.

So I got pissed the next day after our dinner date and went off on him BIG TIME telling him to f*** off, lose my #, saying he’s a jerk etc. He stopped talking to me. I apologized next day. He texted me a few times afterward like we were friends again. Thursday he texted me “good night sam” i didn’t respond bc I was in bed. Than yesterday(friday) I texted him later that day saying “how is your day” and heard nothing. Texted him again “?”. and Nothing. He would usually ALWAYS text me back. So than i texted him “I guess ur not talking to me anymore. That’s OK. we haven’t been getting along lately and need the space anyway. byes. Have a good wkend, be safe.” i said “be safe” cause it’s snowing. Do you think what i said was OK? and the right thing? I did’nt want to flip out on him again. I have done it a few times now since we broke up and i say really hurtful things to him.

I guess i haven’t gotten over his cheating ways and i feel like a crazy person sometimes. Why do i want him in my life when he treats me so badly behind my back? I need some insight to why i get upset when i dont hear from him. and why i feel like i need him in my life? I don’t have a bad childhood or a bad relationship with my parents- i feel very normal. but maybe its a syndrome of having something I can’t? help?

There could be many reasons why you feel like you must have your ex in your life. Some possibilities include loneliness, feeling that you cannot attract another man, convenience, or low self-esteem. These are some possibilities and there may be many others.

Another possibility is that no one modeled for you what a good relationship is like. You had a good childhood and you have a healthy relationship with your parents. Even so, their relationship may not have been healthy and that could have been where you learned some of your problematic behaviors. Since you did not describe their relationship it is difficult for me to determine whether it is the source of your problems. If you were to analyze your life, I wonder if there are any family members who have a similar relationship to the one you have with your ex? If so, that may be the source.

Some individuals will tolerate an unfaithful partner if they are single, lonely or feel that there are no prospective relationships. Why? Because they don’t like to be alone. For some people, being in an unhealthy relationship is better than not being in a relationship at all. Those same people, if they met someone new and felt that relationship had promise, would then and only then break off the old relationship. If the new relationship failed then they might attempt to reconnect with their ex, even if it meant being treated badly again. As I mentioned above, the common theme is that any relationship, even if it’s a bad one, is better than no relationship. The motivating force behind tolerating a less than healthy relationship is often a fear of being alone. It is a characteristic of dependent personality disorder.

The relationship you have described does not seem healthy. I would advise you to consider therapy. Therapy could help you understand why you are accepting of a relationship that does not benefit you and may in fact be harmful. You may be able to analyze and determine the source of your behavior. You could also learn new and better ways to cultivate a healthy relationship. Therapy is the ideal place to deal with relationship problems. Many people have found the website Psychology Today to be helpful for searching for therapists in their community. I wish you well. Thank you for your question.

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Ex Has a New Baby With Another Girl

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My ex is having a baby with someone else after just one month of ending our relationship. I’ve been having a very difficult time dealing with this. When me and my ex-boyfriend broke up we tried to be friends and hang out from time to time one day out of know where he told me we couldn’t be friends anymore he didn’t give me a clear explanation he just told me he didn’t want me to start to cling to him again. We haven’t spoken since. Later I found out the girl was pregnant at that same particular time and he had made her his girlfriend. I guess she was a rebound gone wrong and he is just taking responsibility for his actions but it still hurts.

I try to avoid my ex but I still see him all the time with his new pregnant girlfriend and we don’t say anything to each other. He completely ignores. Out of this entire situation what has hurt me the most has been his indifference towards me. So nonchalantly he pushed me away from his life like I never mattered. He ignore me like he never knew me. Its hard because not to long ago he was my boyfriend and now were strangers. I feel I might need some closure to tell him how I feel about how things have played out after our break up but I wouldn’t know how to start or what to say or even if he would care to listen. Some of my friends have advice me not to talk to him about my feelings and just try to let it go. I’m full of anger and hurt. I feel like he never cared about me, how did he replaced me so fast and erased me from his life. I don’t know how to get this all off my chest. How can I deal with my unresolved feelings and move on with my life?

There may be no easy way “to get over” the hurt you feel about of your ex. As time passes you will be less emotionally affected by the breakup. There is research that shows that generally by the third month, people feel as though they can “move on.”

What might help you in the meantime is to realize the truth of what may have happened. Your ex, in a very short time after breaking it off with you, had no problem entering into a new relationship with another female. What this may mean is that he was not invested in the relationship. The evidence is that after having just broken up he completely ignores you and shows a marked indifference towards you.

You also said he “nonchalantly pushed you out of his life as though you never mattered.” This is also very telling. This further suggests that he wasn’t very engaged in the relationship. If he were then he would too be struggling with the breakup. He does not appear to be. What’s the difference between you and he in this instance? You care and he doesn’t. The fact is that if he truly cared about you, then he would not have “nonchalantly pushed you out of this life.” The only way an individual could end a relationship and not care is not to have cared in the first place.

If that was your relationship with him – you cared and he didn’t – then it was better to have it ended.

There is another way to explain your ex’s behavior. He may have impregnated the other female and broke up with you because of the pregnancy. It’s also possible that he had been cheating on you with her and had to end the relationship with you when he learned she was pregnant.

You may never learn the specific reason why he broke up with you but what you can gauge from his actions, especially the indifference towards you, is that at least by the end of the relationship, he no longer cared.

I hope it’s evident that a person who could leave you so easily (as though you “never mattered”) is not someone you should waste your time and energy on.

I know you’re hurting now and you don’t necessarily want to wait to feel better. It’s not easy to endure emotional pain. For some people it can be almost unbearable. You will likely find however that the hurt you feel will lessen with time.

It does get better. I hope you feel better soon. Thank you for writing.

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I’ve Let Us All Down

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

So, I don’t know where to begin… To sum up, I didn’t try hard enough in my last year of high school because I didn’t want to go into university since I didn’t know what I would do. I should have just sucked it up and tried my best. I am in a college right now and failed all my classes because I didn’t try and now am on probation. I just feel that I don’t have a goal to what I’m studying for. I’m unmotivated.

I do have a part time job at a great retail store. They sell great street brands and when I started working there, I felt honored to be part of the staff. I guess I was caught up in the glamour of it all. I soon got too comfortable working there, I didn’t see the point of school. I took a semester off and worked although I pretended to my parents I was still attending school.

So now, here I am. Still working at this retail store but now I’m tired of it. Although it was a good learning experience, I shouldn’t have gotten this job. Maybe I would have focused on school 100%. I don’t like working there anymore and one by one, some of the people that I’ve gotten attached to are quitting and moving forward in their lives.

Of course I feel happy for them but I do feel a bit jealous. I want to quit this job but it’s the summer. Would I go and find another job or stay. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I feel so lost and confused. But I’m so unmotivated to change anything around me. I feel like I’m constantly waiting because I’m not ready for it and end up becoming too late. I feel like a failure and have let parents and myself down. Help.

I don’t think you are unmotivated. And I don’t think you shouldn’t have gotten the job. I do think it would have been better if you’d been straight with your folks but that’s water under the bridge at this point. I think you weren’t ready for more school and didn’t know how to say so or felt that you didn’t really have a choice.

I’m sorry that high school students aren’t given more support for taking a year or two off between high school and college. Your story is all too common. Colleges are now focusing on “retention” because they lose so many students after the first year. Better to take a couple of years to determine what you are going to school for rather than just going to school. You will get far more for your time and your money if you have a direction.

There is no shame in taking a year or so to work, to travel, or to participate in a gap year program. You can find a list of alternatives in this article.

You’re right. The retail store was a good break and a positive learning experience. I don’t think you should quit a paying job for the summer. I do think you need to be more directed in what to do next. Learn from your mistakes and make time over the next few months to explore your options and to make a clear decision about your next year.

Don’t go to school only because you don’t know what else to do or because of what other people think. Instead, figure out how to try out various professions that interest you or immerse yourself in a different culture. Take a class or two, either for credit or not. (Did you know there are free online classes available in just about anything? See MIT’s online offerings. Or look into Coursera.) More experiences and more exploration will make it clear what kind of school you should go to and what you might want to pursue as a major.

You do owe your parents a bigtime apology. I suspect they are more upset that you lied to them than that you weren’t ready for college. Make amends as best you can and engage them in a discussion about a reasonable plan for the next year or two.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Afraid of Middle-Aged Men

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Back story of my problem. When I was a child my step-father molested me. Since then, I have this irrational fear of white middle-aged men that are bigger than me. As soon as they grow elderly and feeble that fear dissipates, and up until they are middle-aged (under 40-ish) they are awesome. For the longest time I ignored my phobia, realizing that it was silly to fear every white middle aged man that crossed my path. I also know rationally that not every middle aged man is out to get me. So here is my problem today.

My fiance’s boss and a lot of his co-workers hug me when I drop by or run into them at company events. Usually, I get an uncomfortable lurch in my stomach, but I will it away and try to be nice. I’ve been doing this for about three years. One day I couldn’t ignore the feelings any longer and then I couldn’t stop thinking about them. My punishment for not dealing with it 15 years ago I guess. Suddenly it’s become something that I can’t handle anymore, but they always hug me and I can’t just tell them not to. They will think that I hate them or that they’ve done something wrong.

The only way to stop them from thinking that way is to open up about the molestation (which I don’t want to do with them), and that would lead to them being insulted by me comparing my experience with a child molester to them. Or, they understand and stare at me like I’m some fragile nutcase for the rest of my existence. Not something I want. Also, this is all kind of out of the blue for them. I haven’t had an issue with it in their eyes for 3 years. I can’t just say, “Nope sorry, can’t hug me anymore. It makes me feel sick.” So… I’ve been avoiding them. Which they are starting to wise up to. How do I get over this fear? I don’t know what to do. I’ve opened up to people about being molested, and I’m fairly open about what happened to me if asked directly, but I don’t believe this is appropriate to open up to my fiance’s boss about. Is there anything I can try to do that will help me confront and get over this craziness I’m feeling?

You don’t have an “irrational” fear. You had a terrible experience. Memories of that experience are being triggered by men who remind you of the perpetrator when they get physically close. This is very common and nothing to be ashamed of.

You are wise not to share your history with your fiance’s colleagues. It’s not their business and it could be awkward all around. I hope your fiance can provide you with some extra support when you are with his coworkers. it’s absolutely apropriate for you to draw some boundaries around your personal space. However, as you pointed out, after three years it’s difficult to change things with this particular group without an explanation. But you can certainly be more assertive about who you will accept hugs from in the future.

The other solution to your current situation is to get into some therapy to help you separate the present from the past. I don’t see this as a “punishment for not dealing with it 15 years ago.” Instead, I hope you see it as an opportunity to put an ugly event behind you now that you are older, stronger, and able to make effective use of treatment. I expect it’s terrible to feel like your stepfather still has any power over you. You don’t want what he did to determine how you react to other people who are only being warm and welcoming, not abusive. Therapy can help you regain your sense of personal choice and power.

At only 25, you have a lot of life ahead of you. I hope you will get the help you need to have a life free from this kind of fear.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Jealous or Insecure?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married to my husband for 12 yrs we have 4 children the oldest is 9 and the youngest is 9 months old. My husband and I have been having problems for a long time.

Our problem is me I guess to say. I have a very Jealous issue with him. I hate him talking to other females when I am not around even the ones he works with. I feel they want him and he will leave me for his co workers. He has lost all his friends bc I don’t want him hanging with them bc I feel his friends are going to pick up girls and my husband is going to cheat on me. We would fight really bad about it. He basically stopped hanging with them bc he wanted me to be happy. Even his own mother I hated when he would g and call her when. Wasn’t around I would be so angry and start saying mean things to him, l only liked him calling his mom when I was around and it would have to be on speaker phone so I could hear. I felt she would want to say bad things about me. He told me that I was paranoid and she doesn’t. I would even get mad with her texting him. I always checked his phone to see his texts or calls.

I also don’t like going out with me I get so mad if he goes somewhere with out me which means taking the whole family out to the food store or where ever. I have hated all his jobs he has worked at bc I feel he is going to leave me for his co workers. I always called him at work his cell phone 1st and during his lunch break if he didn’t answer I would call back untill he did answer. If he didn’t answer it got me so angry and then I wild call his work line which then I would yell at the receptionist.

Basically I don’t trust My kids going to other people’s house as well. I don’t like them even taking the bus. I need help and envy dr thought I was depressed and prescribed depression meds which did nothing. They now think I’m bipolar and the meds don’t help either I don’t know what’s wrong with me I need help suggestions would be great thanks!

I agree. Your problem seems to be within yourself. You are in grave danger of creating the very things you most fear. Your jealousy is isolating your family from normal friendships and relationships. At some point, your husband will have had enough! As your kids get older, and going through the normal separations of the teen years, they too will withdraw from you.

What you are calling “jealousy” is actually very deep-seated insecurity. Either something happened to you that makes you feel that the people you love will abandon you or you have a personality disorder that makes you emotionally unstable – or both. I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of what you’ve written. But a mental health counselor can.

I hope your family means enough to you for you to go get an evaluation. There is still time to fix this. So far, your husband is somehow tolerating your fears and is generally supportive. Your children are still young. With some work, you can save your marriage and keep your family together. But it won’t happen without the work. I suggest you take your letter and this response to the first session. It will give your therapy a jump-start.

I applaud you for writing. You probably had to work up your courage to admit that you have a problem. Hold onto that strength and call to make an appointment with a therapist today.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is My Boyfriend Abusive? Am I Insecure?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been on and off for just over two years. We can’t even go 1 week without fighting and will go long periods of time (up to four months) without talking. I have taken him on 1 date, and he may have taken me out once, but that is about it. 99% of our fights are text messages. He doesn’t take anything I say seriously, he verbally attacks me all the time, imp pathetic, a train wreck, a waste of his two years… so he says when he is mad. I don’t understand how he could say he loves me? He doesn’t treat me well at all and I feel abused by him. He makes me feel insecure and like I can’t do better. He belittles me, downplays all of my accomplishments. He talks about everyone behind his or her backs, he speaks poorly of my family, my family hates him, my friends hate him, I may hate him. I’m upset with him more than I’m happy with him. He makes me feel awful. He has control over me and he likes to make me unhappy. I always go back to him because I feel alone…but he makes me feel alone when we are together as well. I would say that I am at the end of my rope but what does that even mean? I have said it so many times but I keep going back. He makes me so unhappy, he is sooo cheap, and he isn’t kind or caring…. so I guess I am saying that our morals and values are completely different. He got me pregnant, I couldn’t keep it due to health reasons, and when I freaked out (and I freaked out), he told me that the way I handled myself with the news was the biggest turn off. He said it made him not attracted to me. I was pregnant with an abusive mans child and he was treating me like I didn’t handle it properly. How could he know how it should be handled? Was he pregnant? Did he have to kill his child? It broke my heart and all he had to say about it was that I didn’t handle it properly. He speaks nothing but horrible words about women; he says that we are all the same. IF HE HATES WOMEN SO MUCH, WHY DOESNT HE JUST GET A BOYFRIEND? I need help. (Sorry for my horrid grammar, I am very upset.)

The desire to make something unworkable work has left you in orbit around your boyfriend. His issues would require some very intense interventions over an extended period of time.

The real question here is: What kind of support do you need to leave? There is nothing here to work on, nothing to build on, yet you remain in orbit hoping for him to change. In an indirect way, by returning to the relationship you are allowing him to continue treating you poorly.

I would contact the local women’s center in your area for support, therapy, and if needed some legal advice. Don’t wait. Men with the anger management issues your boyfriend has usually continue to escalate. Don’t let his misogynistic ways continue to harm your well-being.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Can’t Find My Way Free

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve always had problems with my mom and grandma. I don’t know why but I guess we just don’t get along. To them, I’m like a disgrace pretty much. They make it seem as if I am worthless and stupid. It seriously hurts me but angers me about our relationship. Every since I turned 15, the whole being a teenager thing hit me. I did almost everything a crazy teen would. I would party; go out all the time, basically, never at home. Then when I hit 18, I found someone that I truly love. We dated before but things didn’t work out as planned. OH and I forgot to mention, I dropped out at 16. I was really lazy I guess. Didn’t know what to do with myself and seriously felt like I had no one. . And yes, till this day. I still feel like I don’t have anyone. But back to the boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been good on and off for a while. We both aren’t the best people. We have good hearts but job and school wise? We’re getting there. Its just overall, my boyfriend and I have been going through some hard times. It’s hard for me to say this but we use to be very abusive to one another. . And that’s where this leads to my family. I’ve never made the right choices in life. I don’t know if it’s just my luck or me. I really don’t know. I sort of feel like I don’t know what or myself I really want. I don’t know how to build myself up and make my family happy. My boyfriend and I had a huge fight and I broke my hand from that. My grandma was the first to find out and she was furious! Before my family didn’t really like him but they dealt with him. But ever since that fight, they HATE HIM! Pretty much, I feel like I am stuck between the three as in my boyfriend, family, and myself. I love them all but the depression and the stress they put me through is seriously tearing me apart. I know this might seem like an easy problem but to me, this problem runs my life as of right now. I lost my job, I’m trying to get back to school but I just can’t seem to know how to get back up. I’m very very confused.

I can appreciate the turmoil in your life and hope my response can help sort things through. At 19 the work in front of you now is to focus on figuring out who you are becoming and what you need to do with school and work. The confusion is because you haven’t found your own inner strength and resources. Your family and your boyfriend aren’t the kind of nurturance you need. Turn your focus toward finding out what you want to do with your life, what you are good at, and how you may be able to use your talents to help others.

I would encourage you to take this free strength survey to find out what your character strengths are and to start using them. Second, I would look to find a counselor who might help you sort through this confusion. The find help tab at the top of the page should help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Why am I Staying with my Boyfriend?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

OMG I am so confused and so frustrated by my confusion. If I am leaving my boyfriend and I know for sure that I am, then why do I care where he goes, who he’s with, what he does or who he does? It doesn’t make any sense to me! I don’t love him, never have, never will. And now I am to the point where I really don’t even like him. The entire time we were dating, he treated me poorly (disrespected me, took me for granted, called me names, blamed me for nearly all the problems etc.). I never could see a future with him and thought about leaving him at least once a day for the past year and a half. I was never happy in our relationship since it was always physical. We never talk about things, like I really don’t know that much about him. So I really do feel used. He wasn’t helping me with our son until recently, instead of taking me out on an actual date once a week he chooses to go out with his friends three times a week, instead of buying things that we still need for the apt or for his son, he buys himself toys…I could go on and on and on about all the things that he does that anger me, but there is really no need for that.

So why haven’t i left him already then? I should have left him like a year ago since our relationship has always been so bad, especially if I didn’t love him. I guess I was trying to give my son both parents, but how couldn’t I’ve known that my boyfriend wasn’t going to be a good dad because he really wasn’t a good boyfriend to me? How could I put my son in this situation? what was i thinking? I am just so disappointed right now 🙁 My boyfriend is the biggest mistake of my life!

I know I have a choice, I could go and stay some place else and I know I would be happier that way. But why don’t I do that? Does it sound like I’m afraid to be alone? That I’d rather be in an abusive relationship in which I clearly am unhappy, rather then being alone? I am just so tired of living life like this, confused, irritated, miserable etc. I’m afraid that once i leave him I will still come back because I will feel bad for him and because I will miss him since I am so used to him. I am 100% sure that I want to end this relationship, but the first 2 weeks after a break up are the hardest and I’m afraid I’m not going to be strong enough to ever leave him for good…unless…I find someone else to replace him and see I don’t want to do that either. It’s unhealthy and really doesn’t look good for me. AAhhhhh I know I have to leave him and that I want to as well, but how do I do that without coming back to him again? Please, can anyone answer my questions? I could really use some help right now, thank you 🙂

The answer to your question is complicated. Women who are in abusive relationships take an average of seven attempts before they actually leave for good! Why? Lots of mostly bad reasons. I wrote an article for LifeHelper some time ago that outlines the most common ones. Go to this link for a fuller explanation than I can give you here.

In your case (and in the case of other women with children), I hope you will think of your son first. He doesn’t deserve to live in an atmosphere of barely controlled hostility. He shouldn’t be learning that an abusive relationship is normal. Make no mistake: That is what he is learning. Kids are all input at his age. He is taking in the choices you are making now and developing a map for how life should be.

Yes, making a relationship with this boyfriend was a mistake. But a bigger mistake is to keep on doing it. Please find the women’s center near you for some support and advice – especially during those first few weeks. You are not alone in your struggle to free yourself emotionally from someone you once loved. Women’s Resource Centers and therapists are expert in helping women like you both let go and move on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Disappoint My Family

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 15 years old and the youngest of five kids. Growing up all I ever wanted was for my sisters to like me but they forever criticise. They comment on my weight. On my love life and about how I look. They tell me to get the salad when we go out for tea and that breaking up with my ex-boyfriend was a bad idea because he was good looking, they didn’t care that he wasn’t nice to me. Then I was sexually abused by some boy and when I confided in them they told me I brought it on myself. They tell me they don’t like my friends and that I’m not very popular. My parents think they’re all perfect and call me the ‘disappointment child.’ I broke down the other day because when at church we were singing a hymn and my sister leaned in and told me I had to stop because it was awful. I study music and my voice is my instrument. Voices in my head constantly remind me that no-one likes me and that I am ugly I can usually make them say nice stuff but they’re getting worse. I cry all the time and they don’t care! They talk about me behind my back instead and I just don’t know what to do anymore!

Your parents and siblings are huge disappointments! No kid should be the target for criticism and harassment in her own home. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves for tolerating the way your sisters treat you and for joining in the bullying. I don’t really have enough information to analyze your family. My only guess is that your siblings are jealous of you. Unable to match your gifts, they put you down to feel better about themselves. Sometimes parents try to even out their kids’ abilities by putting a gifted kid down. They think they are preventing the other kids from feeling bad. As I said, I don’t have enough information to understand what’s going on so those are only guesses.

I do know this: Not every kid gets the family they deserve. Not every kid is loved, protected, nurtured and supported by their family as they should be. It’s sad and frustrating but it’s the truth. Some kids just don’t get a fair deal. But that doesn’t have to determine what happens in your life. You have a gift. Don’t let anyone take your voice away from you. It’s probably your ticket to a good college and to a different life. Work hard on your music. Write songs to help yourself with the pain. Get yourself involved with a chorus or choir or musical theatre or a band. Such groups will put you in contact with people who share your interests and who support each other is making beautiful sounds in the world. You may meet older people who can mentor you and help you on your way.

In 3 short years, you’ll be able to leave home to go to college. Work hard in school and in activities that support your music so you can apply for a music scholarship. The quality of your life doesn’t have to be determined by your family. You can set your own path and make a future that is filled with supportive people who love you for who you are.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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