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Guy Friends

Sexually Confused

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 18, 2023

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 18 and for some time I have been debating whether or not I’m gay, bi, or neither. The thing is that I am really turned on to other males from a physical perspective, but the thought of having sex with another male isn’t all that appealing. In addition I feel like emotionally loving another male, would just feel weird and awkward. I have guy friends, none of which whom I’m attracted to and I just wonder maybe I’m not gay. (In fact one of my friends just came out to me and I was shocked, which raised even more questions about myself). On the other hand women are somewhat attractive, kissing a girl gets me slightly aroused, and the thought of having an emotional loving relationship with a women is really appealing…

I must admit I have always I have always had weird emotions about things of a sexual matter. Since I was 12, when I first started masturbating, I remember lying in bed crying for hours because I felt guilty, helpless and just an overall sick feeling. I have sort of gotten over that, but at times I still have anxiety attacks after masturbating and sometimes depression. I have never been sexually abused and have never been brought up in a family being taught that masturbation is a bad thing. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was 10 before I had sexual feelings.

I must confess I have a weird Fetish. When I see a guy that I am really turned on by, I fantasize about being that guy. When I masturbate, I picture myself slowly turning into that person. Usually the guy is someone who is taller and more masculine than me. I remember this starting when I was around 12. I was a late bloomer so many other guys developed much earlier than me. I remember being fascinated and turned on when other guys hit their growth spurts and when their voices changed. The idea of me going through it was sexually arousing. I don’t know why I am this way and I don’t want to be this way. Currently I am seeking a psychologist for GAD and OCD and am just wondering if this is something I could talk about and possibly get over. I get very depressed because I can’t really see myself having a sexual relationship with a man or women and I want that, if only I could get this fetish out of the way. Is there a classification for the type of fetish I am talking about? I read on another website this is known as “a jealous passion” where a person with limited social contact with the same sex will often fantasize about being another guy. These are the ONLY fantasies I have ever thought about during masturbation. I have tried others (thinking about intercourse) but it just doesn’t work. I just feel like I am going through an identity crisis right now, I really crave a relationship with either a guy or a girl, but I feel this fetish gets in the way…

If you could give me a little advice, I would really appreciate it!

I deeply appreciate you taking the time to identify all of these issues in your letter. I am glad you reached out here.

A couple of things jump out at me right away. The first is that you are already in therapy and have not yet spoken to your male therapist about these feelings. The fact that they are troubling, and that you have not identified them in therapy yet is an important issue. There are some professionals who might go so far as to say your generalized anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder may be connected to your sexual ambivalence and inhibition toward discussing it in therapy.

My strong suggestion is to find a way to bring this into your next session. If approaching this topic seems too difficult – you might just want to have your therapist read this letter as an icebreaker.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

February 18, 2023 0 comments

Can a Bad Early Experience Still be Affecting Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 4, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When I was in 1st grade, we did this thing where we were allowed to play on the computers in the classroom. I had a computer, but I noticed that another kid didn’t have one, so I told him we could share. I was wearing a dress that day, and while we were playing on the computer, he slipped his hands up my dress and into my underwear and… You know molested me. I told my parents and everything. I didn’t know what was going on and when I told my mom, I laughed because I thought it was funny. I didn’t realize that it was serious. So my mom told the school and he got in trouble.
Now fast forward 10 years. I have always had more friends who are girls (I have no close guy friends), and when it comes to talking with people(especially boys), I’m horribly awkward. I like these two guys now and one of them, I can’t even make eye contact with, much less ever talk to him. I can talk to the other guy, but like I said, it’s really awkward.
Even if I did get in a relationship, I am kind of afraid of the whole idea of kissing and pouring out your heart to one person if you are eventually going to break up.
So what I am wondering is this:
Does the fact that I was molested affect how I act around people(boys in particular)?
Even though i feel like it wasn’t a super significant event in my life?
I just want to be able to hold normal conversations and who knows, maybe have a relationship?

It’s possible that the early experience makes you more cautious around people than most. Yes, the other kid was inappropriate. But it doesn’t sound like you were traumatized by the event. He was a peer, not an adult who betrayed your trust. You told. You were believed. He got in trouble. It didn’t happen again.

So I think it’s more likely you are going through an absolutely normal and difficult part of being a teen. Most teens tend to have friends of the same gender at first. Most are awkward around the other sex until they get the hang of it. Most teens struggle with lots of questions and concerns about what it will be like to be in a relationship. It’s usual to wonder how to kiss without bumping noses or locking braces. It’s normal to be confused about how much to share with another person and when.

But here’s the important thing: Most people figure it out. Oh, some people seem to have it all together by the time they are 12. Other people are still working on it well into their 20s. But most do come through this stage okay to more than okay.

The way to get more comfortable is to get more pracice being around people. It’s usually helpful to join up with an organization or club or activity that you genuinely enjoy where other kids your age are involved. When people are engaged in something they like or believe in, it’s easier to talk to each other because the focus is on the activity instead of on each other.

I’m glad you wrote. It’s hard to sit with worries like this. I hope you find this answer comforting and encouraging.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 4, 2022 0 comments

Should I Leave My Marriage?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 25, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, I have been married 1 year and feel we should separate. My husband is from a different culture (middle-eastern) and I am american. He’s always gone. He’s spends most all of his time with his guy friends they are a group of 5 and they never sperate. My husband is the only one married in his group. His friends have really come between our marriage in more ways then one. His friends are very immature cussing about other people is what they do most of the time.

My husband and I are 26 and his friends are around the ages of 22. My husband won’t give them up or spend less time with them. He has really changed since being around them. He doesn’t notice.

We have way more issues than this. Being distant is another big issues if he’s not with his friends he’s working on plays. And pushes my hugs and kisses away. I feel beyond hurt and neglected if I try to talk I get “Not Now, will talk later.” and later never comes.

I wrote about 1 page full of things I feel hurt by. Should I give up???? He doesn’t seem to care and seems very selfish. He said I love you when you do as I wife should being doing. He said Im not ready to be a husband. And you need to satisfy me by giving me sex or something bad will happen.

Your husband is telling you both in actions and in words that he’s not ready to be a full adult and husband. He is hanging around with single guys who are younger and who are not married. He’s made it clear that his first loyalty is to the group, not to you. The friends haven’t come between your marriage. He has put them there.

You end your letter by adding that he is threatening you. That should send up some red flags as well.

None of this looks promising for making the marriage work. No matter how much you want to make a life and a future with him, you can’t do it alone. One person can’t make a marriage any more than one hand can clap. Some of what you are experiencing may be a cross-cultural clash but I don’t think that explains everything. He’s acting like a man who wants to be 22 and single, not married with responsibilities to someone else.

Before you give up, I hope you will try to have a serious talk with him. Take the time to be clear in your own mind about what you will and won’t accept for married life. Then pick a time to talk to him when he isn’t pulled to be with his friends. Don’t answer his threat with anger or with threats of your own. Keep your anger under control so he doesn’t get defensive. Ask him if he has been trying to tell you that getting married was a mistake. If so, what does he want to do about it? If not, what is he willing to do to become a true married partner and what compromises does he want from you? His answers will give you the information you need to make a decision.

It’s terribly sad to end a marriage, especially so soon. You married with love and hope in your heart. He apparently didn’t fully understand what it all meant. With a little more information, you can decide whether he will join in making a partnership with you or if you need to cut your losses, mourn the relationship and move on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 25, 2021 0 comments

Sexually Harrassed at School

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 21, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was sexually harassed everyday in class for a year when I was 13. This guy used to say things, which i could ignore, but he also used to grope and grab my chest and butt and he used to try to stick his hand between my legs. I had a hard time with that. He did it no matter what i did or said.

I was afraid to tell anyone though. I didn’t think they would believe me. The next year he comes up to me and says hey I’m sorry can i have a hug? And i was stupid and naive and let him. Well he wrapped his arms around me and grabbed my butt. To this day i wont give even my guy friends a hug.

He continued touching me that whole year. Last year he would talk about how he liked it and was going to again and what it was like. This year he’s said stuff a few times and he grabbed my butt once.

I’m 15 now and I have to sit next to him in English and I’m constantly waiting for something to happen. I promised myself i would talk to a counselor about having no classes with him in the future when scheduling comes but that’s in a week and i don’t think i can do it…i don’t know what to do because I’ve got to put an end to this.

I’m so, so sorry you’ve had to deal with this all on your own. No one should have to live in a constant state of anxiety about being molested. You are an amazingly strong young woman to have been able to manage this for so long. You’re right. It has to stop. Apparently, this guy is very sneaky and has figured out how to get to you without being seen. He’s gotten away with it for so long, he doesn’t believe he will ever be accountable. Since he’s so good at it, I have to wonder if there are other girls who have also been victims.

Unfortunately, the only way the adults in authority can be helpful is if someone tells them what is going on. Please gather up your courage and talk to your parents and to the school administration. You should not have to put up with this a minute longer. He shouldn’t sit next to you in school. He shouldn’t even be allowed in school until he gets some treatment for being a bully and a predator. You won’t get peace and he won’t get treatment until you speak up.

I’m sorry that it does fall on you to take the lead. I don’t blame you a bit if you feel vulnerable and scared. It might help you talk about it if you showed your folks your letter and this response. I hope the people you tell will take you seriously and act immediately.

It would help you a lot if you could have the help of a therapist or counselor until things settle down. You need someone who is decidedly supportive. I hope you have some good friends who will also stick by you.

Speaking up isn’t easy. Please don’t give up. As hard as it is to find the courage to stand up for yourself, it is also an important way to become a stronger person who won’t be victimized again.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 21, 2021 0 comments

I think he’s lost interest

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 23, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I met this guy 8 months back. We have been in the process of “just” talking and getting to know each other for 8 months now. He still hasn’t asked me out to be his official girlfriend and when I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship or not he just said “I really want to but i’m just not feeling it”…so i say “maybe you’re just not interested in me”…and he says “no that’s not it”…so I say “are you leaning more towards no or yes”…and he said “I don’t know i’m in the middle”…

I am confused and hurt because I feel like he lost interest in me because for the past 3 months we haven’t been intimate but we were when we first met. But I am confused because he won’t say it straight up to me if he just wants to be friends or not. He also still takes me out on dates and takes me to go hangout with his guy friends. what should I do?…I really want to be in a relationship with him…

Also lately hes been having dreams of sleeping with girls or being in a room with a bunch of girls…and it bothers me because I feel like hes craving for it but not with me…also for the past 3 months I have been only giving him oral…he doesnt touch me, kiss me, or hold my hand. I want to talk about it to him but I don’t want to seem to be nagging him. We talk still…and we use to flirt a lot but I just feel like now he’s backing away but yet he’s still nice to me so I don’t really know how to interpret that…is he using me or is he not?….also my friends tell me that they see him out partying and they see him talk to other girls like he’s single and he’s not talking to anyone…so when i do tell them that we are still talking they get really surprised because of the way he acts…

I just don’t want to seem like im overreacting for no reason…because he is a nice guy and he doesn’t like to be mean to girls so he just kind of does whatever they want in a kind way…but i am confused…I really want to talk to him about it if he just wants to be friends now or whats up…but i don’t know how to do it so it doesnt seem like im nagging him…please help 🙂

I’m sorry to say that I agree with you. He’s lost interest. You’re also probably right that in an attempt to be “nice” and to not hurt you, he is hurting you. I don’t think he is necessarily using you. He just doesn’t seem to know how to say a clear “no” to you. He drops hints by telling you his dreams and by making sure your friends see him flirting with others. He drops a mega-hint by not giving back during sex. He probably hopes you will break up with him so he doesn’t have to be the “bad guy” and break up with you.

Do both of you a favor: Take a big, big step back from this relationship. Face it that he isn’t returning your feelings. It will hurt for awhile but staying in a relationship of unrequited love will hurt more. Get back into being single so that you can meet someone who is going to love you and cherish you as you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

April 23, 2011 0 comments