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My Stepkids Hate Me Because of Their Father

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My stepkids don’t exactly hate me or their mother, but they say it and that we’re the worst anytime we put them in time out or ground them when they are being violent towards each other or us (which is encouraged by their birthfather). It just drives me up the wall knowing that they spy for him and his mother (who is the only one who actually uses his visitations because he’s too busy playing videogames and dating to actually spend time with them). They promote that when over there, the kids are totally in charge and that no one has to look out for them as well as money being more important than people or morals.

My fiancé isn’t perfect and kinda lets them by with a lot because the court system where we live is highly corrupt and they know a lot of important people in our town so it’s next to impossible to fix a lot of these problems legally.

I’m just at the end of my rope and I just don’t want my stepkids hating me, but I don’t want their grades to continue dropping, them to keep disrespecting their mother and me, or grow up to be violent people or felons. Also they are having night terrors because he lets them (a 5 & 9 year old) watch zombie and Chucky movies and video games. And they are required to call his girlfriend mom while they are encouraged to ignore me because I’m not their parent because me and their mother are only engaged.

I just don’t want them to hate me, I don’t want the dad and his mother to win by brainwashing them and twisting their values. It’s just a bad situation all the way around.

You are correct. This is a terrible situation for the children. Your fiance’s ex is more interested in making her miserable than in loving the children. It’s not at all good parenting to put kids in the middle of an old fight — which is exactly what he is doing. It’s unfortunate that the kids’ grandmother seems to be backing him up.

Sadly, there isn’t much you can do except to keep being yourself. As much as the kids may think they like the anarchy that exists at their Dad’s place, it isn’t healthy for them.

Do set clear rules at your place. Continue being kind but firm about how they are to treat you, their mother and each other.

There is no need to talk badly about their dad. That would only serve to keep the kids in the middle. Instead, focus on how things will be at your house. Don’t get involved in the fight about having them call you “dad”. Involve the children in coming up with a name for you that you all like.

The children may “hate’ you for giving them some structure and insisting on manners for the time being but they will come to appreciate you as they mature. Kids in situations like this usually do.

Meanwhile, I hope your fiance will have a talk with her divorce lawyer. If the kids’ father is hurting them psychologically, she may be able to get the divorce agreement modified so visits with their dad are supervised or more limited. Since the kids are having night terrors, the lawyer may advise that they be evaluated by a mental health counselor.

I wish you all well.
Dr. Marie

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Hate My Mom Who Won’t Back Off

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My mother is obsessed with making up for being a “bad” mother. She paid very little attention to us as children. We essentially raised ourselves. Now she smothers us, calling several times a day, coming to visit 3-4 time per year (she lives in another state), and staying 10 days at a time. All of our interactions involve her trying to teach us the basics, as if we are still 5 year-olds, and demanding honor and respect simply for being the mother. Conversations a nearly impossible because she is always right about everything and we should simply accept and honor her wisdom, as the elder. I have tried to gently (and not so gently) remind her that we are now adults and do not need this type of guidance any longer, but she insists that it is a mothers job to teach her children all through life. She respects NO boundaries!I could write for days on that subject alone. She continually says things like the mother is the most important person in one’s life, etc…etc… I know her issues stem from having been sent away for her safety during a war, in her very young years, and then being reunited with her family several years later (resulting in two separation/abandonment scenarios). She also married and left her family behind to come to the US from her homeland when she was 26. This left her with no family support, except for her in-laws, which she claims treated her poorly. Lastly she is uneducated and lacked any motivation to change that. I pity her for all her hardships, but I hate her for what she’s become as a result. My brothers are strong enough to ignore her demands for attention, leaving me to console her and defend them. I am at the point where I just want one of us to die, so I do not have to deal with her any more. Sad, huh?

It really isn’t so sad — as much as it is unfortunate. What I mean by that is that your brothers have exactly the right approach. If you don’t set the boundaries — your mother can’t and won’t. By allowing her to stay too long — and talk too much, you were giving her permission to stay exactly the way she is.

It is better to feel a little bit guilty and not so resentful. The resentment you feel towards her is so great that you’re waiting for one of you to die. Learn to say no to your mother. Just because she wants to do things her way doesn’t mean that way is okay. Instead of picking up the phone and talking to her so many times a day cut back. You’re not going to heal your mothers abandonment issues. She needs to do that with a therapist-not by demanding you lose yourself to make her happy. You are abandoning yourself in the effort to not abandon your mother.

It is new behavior for you, but I’d rather see you feel guilty for saying no — than wishing one of you were dead. You may want to have some individual therapy along the way to get support for doing this. The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How Do I Get Out of My Mother’s Arguments with Her Boyfriend?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Canada: Hi. I am a 17-year old girl and have been struggling with family issues practically my entire life. I was born as a love child along with my brother who is 18. My biological father was already married at the time he met my mother and promised he would divorce his wife because he is unhappy with the marriage that was arranged for him. However, he never divorced his wife yet produced two children with my mother.

I feel that this is important to mention as I continue to describe the issue I’m experiencing. Because of this, my mother has, undoubtedly, developed some mental issues as well. Currently, my mother is dating another man. Unfortunately, my mother and her boyfriend have communication problems since my mother cannot speak English fluently. My mother is Chinese, and her boyfriend is Canadian. I believe my mother has anger issues but she does not see that in herself (perhaps it was developed during the times my mother was with my biological father).

Because of so, my mother and her boyfriend of 2 years are constantly fighting and I can’t handle it. I always find myself in the middle of their arguments because I have to act as the translator and it’s really battering me down mentally. Adding on, I’ve been struggling with my own mental problems where I have depression, social anxiety disorder, and suicidal.

This is really taking a toll on my mental health and I don’t know how to deal with their constant arguing. I can’t go live with my biological father, and I’m not of legal age to leave the house. My mother is very loving, but her inability to empathize and reason is really making me tired. I don’t want to be in the middle of their arguments, and I don’t want to be my mother’s counselor if she doesn’t even take the time to listen to me. Even now, with my doors closed, I can still hear my mother arguing with her boyfriend. I’m just so tired. What should I do?

Although painful, your situation is not uncommon. It’s not unusual for parents who don’t speak English to turn to their kids to be translators. Unfortunately, the more the parents depend on their kids, the less practice they get in the language. The problem therefore continues.

You are under no obligation to be your mother’s counselor, translator and emotional support. She is the mother. You are the kid — even though you are 17. If your mother and her boyfriend can’t solve their problems, they need to see a professional, not you. You have enough to deal with in your own life. But withdrawing from your role as translator/counselor is easier said than done.

It will be easier on you emotionally if you don’t feel like you are abandoning your mom but are instead turning the problem over to someone else. I suggest you research whether there are services in your city that provide translators and English lessons to immigrants. Also look for bilingual counselors. If there are no services, consider whether there is an adult friend or relative who you can enlist to be your mothers’ support person.

Once you identify some supports, I suggest you tell your mother and her boyfriend that you are not trained to be a good help with their problems with communication or with their relationship. Give them the resource numbers and tell them you can’t and won’t do it any more.

This will be difficult. You may need to figure out an “exit plan” when they start fighting. Think about places you can go (a friend’s house? the library?) when they start arguing. Get yourself some earphones and use them if you have to stay home.

Do not let anyone try to make you feel guilty for withdrawing your help. If anyone tries, simply tell them the truth: You are not a trained professional and there is a risk you will do more harm than good if you continue to try to solve your mom’s problems. The best help you can give her at this point is support to find real help.

I hope your brother is working with you to help your mom transition to more independence. It will be helpful if he will add his voice to yours to get you out of the middle.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Parents Only Communicate Through Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: My parents have been divorced since I was 2 years old. I moved away from home this past fall for college. Since then my parents have been communicating through me. They constantly call me and rant about the other as well as tell me to relay messages.

I want to focus on school, but it is becoming difficult. My mother is very manipulative and my dad is very easily irritated. They are always wanting me to pick sides and bashing the other. I gave GAD and OCD so even when I should know my mom is lying, I still question it because of my GAD.

It’s causing major issues in my day to day well being and the extra stress and pressure is extremely hard to cope with. The issues they want me to communicate about are things like my FASFA, or my sister’s health, she has diabetes. They are things, that without me, would never be done or settled. It’s hard to focus on myself when I have such big issues to worry about.

I have to tell them to do things all the time. I feel like the parent. What should I say to them to get them to communicate?

I understand why you feel trapped in this pattern. Your parents would rather make you responsible than accept responsibility for themselves. Being a responsible person, you can’t let things drop. However, it is part of growing up to set boundaries with parents and to separate from destructive family patterns.

Regardless of other issues, it is your right to refuse to talk to your parents about their complaints with each other. Remind them that they got a divorce for good reasons and there is no point in continuing their fight with each other through you. Then change the subject. If they won’t change the subject, tell them a polite “good bye” with the comment that you’ll be glad to hear from them when they want to talk about something else.

I am aware that some of the things your parents want you to deal with are too important to abandon without putting something in place. For example: You didn’t mention how old your sister is. If she is a teen, it’s time for her to take responsibility for managing her disease since her parents can’t or won’t. Talk with her about how she is coping with the self-discipline that is required for good diabetes management. Encourage her to have a talk with her endocrinologist and perhaps to seek out a support group for young people who are dealing with diabetes. If necessary, remind her that refusing to take care of herself is not at all likely to get her parents to change. It really is up to her to do what she needs to do to have a long and happy life.

As for things like your financial aid: Do talk with the Financial Aid office at your school to see if there is any way they can get you out of the middle by dealing with your parents directly.

If you find that you just can’t extricate yourself, please do consider seeing a therapist for support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Dad Watches Me at Night

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 15 year old in the U.S.: During my sleep, sometimes my hand is inside in my shorts. Or sometimes inside my underwear unconsciously. I am not sure how this started. Anyways, I was sleeping and felt like someone was watching me. So, I opened my eyes a little and saw my dad, just standing there. Watching me. I immediately moved my hand away and exhaled like as if I was still sleeping. And the worst part was that I wasn’t covered in my blanket. I quickly grabbed my blanket and just waited for him to leave.

Just thinking about this makes me wonder if he is physically attracted to me because sometimes at night when I wear my t-shirt, I don’t wear a bra underneath because it’s comfortable without it, but he just stares and when he does I move out of the, quickly as I can and go to my room. Now, at nights, I sleep with a bra because I feel very uncomfortable.

I was reading a story about a woman’s father who would look at her through a hole that he would find or he would make himself one, that lead to her room when she changed, or in the bathroom, etc. And she would consider that as sexual abuse, even though he had never laid a finger on her.

I am not sure if I would consider this as sexual abuse, but I feel somehow offended and probably like…”Sexually abused” even though he had never laid a finger on me or anything like that. (As far as I know..)

I now understand how women feel when they don’t tell on their parents with this type of problem. I used to think that women who didn’t tell on their parents, should have told them. Like I would’ve been straight up about it.
But you don’t want to ruin your family.

You don’t want to consider your (in this situation) father some type of pervert or anything like that because he was there in your whole life and never once, have you thought about them doing these type of things.

I don’t think I will ever tell my mom. I don’t want to cause my family to have problems.

So I decided to just talk about it here because it’s the only way I can let out my problems. I’m too scared to talk about this to my friends. And at the same time it’s embarrassing.

It’s challenging for many men to deal with their daughter’s emergence into adulthood. The difference between a dad who is working through his feelings of attraction and a dad who is an abuser is all about boundaries. Without knowing more about your family dynamics, I can’t tell what’s happening in your case. Has he crossed the line too far? Or is it possible you are too sensitive to the possibility?

I do understand your concerns. But if you don’t resolve this, you are going to be uncomfortable in your own home until you are old enough to leave. Even then, you will have a very difficult time being close to your family. For those reasons, I think it is important for you to confide in your mom to let her know how uncomfortable you are with your dad and then to have a frank three way conversation that includes all of you. You are all setting the terms for the rest of your teen years.

Before I get a dozen letters expressing concern that I’m defending an abuser: I’m doing no such thing. I’m allowing for the possibility for misunderstandings and the very normal awkwardness that happens between dads and daughters and mothers and sons that occurs during adolescence. A short letter doesn’t provide enough information on which to make a judgment.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Wife Can’t Leave Her Lover

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

We are married for 10 years, three kids (8, 5 and 2 years old). My wife did not work 4 years ago. When she got her first job, she felt in love with her boss (she is 30, he is 55 yo). After about 6 months of platonic relations, they had a sex and my wife became pregnant. She told me the truth almost after she got the pregnancy result. Our decision was: she stayed with me and the family and gave a birth. Thus we got the third child in our family. In principle I have changed since that time: more time with family, treat the third child as my own (even maybe slightly more). The lover told the truth to his family and is now divorced.

What all involved in current situation want (as I know):
1) My wife. She does not want to divorce me, however cannot leave her lover, she is very emotional connected to him (a lot of texts, short emails; it is likely they do not have sex at all). In case of divorce she will definitely go to a part time job, unlikely to have a good career. She tried to leave the lover (several attempts). She wants to keep the current situation.
2) The lover. Ideally he wants to live with my wife and his biological son. When my wife does not reply to him, he thinks she may have died. Agrees with the current situation, may want to have more often meetings with the kids.
3) I. Want my wife to leave the lover. Her job contract with him will end soon, so she should not see him too often. My wife and I live as we did before, can really enjoy our family time, do not want to hurt each other. But I think something is wrong with the current situation. I proposed to start decreasing the number of texts, emails and to stop any meetings expect those related to the child. So the situation should evolve and it will be easy for him and her to separate.

Kind regards (From the UK)

Your instincts are right. This situation is not tenable and does not have much merit for anyone in the long run. The real question isn’t what your wife is going to do, or what her lover wants or doesn’t want, but what are your needs and limits?

I would highly recommend individual therapy for you at this point. This will help you sort through your feelings independent of everyone else’s. You listed what you wanted to have happen above — but it all had to do with what you want your wife and her lover to do. The real work here is for you to stop hoping things will change ––and start thinking about what makes sense for you given the current situation.

Tolerating your wife’s ongoing unacceptable behavior and extending yourself has reached a limit. She has only been able to be marginally available to you, and continues to text, email and for all practical purposes stay emotionally connected to her lover. She has not respected your needs. You’re wife has made a series of very poor decisions with regard to you and your family. It is time to start thinking what you need to do, not what you hope your wife and her lover can do to help you feel better.

In individual therapy I would explore what your limits are. I would ask yourself if your feelings for your wife are still the same after the disappointment she has caused and continues to cause. Has your love for her changed at some fundamental level? I wouldn’t put the emphasis on what she should do to help you feel better. I would rather see you sort through your own feelings and find ways to manage them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Why My Mom Hates Me

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Hi there, I have a question regarding to my mom and why she appears to hate me in comparison to my brother and sister. I’m the oldest, my brother is the middle child and my sister is the youngest. My brother, my parents seemed to have focused majority of their attention on him which honestly wasn’t a big deal to me, but my sister who has caused so much grief on my mom even calling her the c-word and run in with the law and being physically violent with her still is treated with so much more respect than me. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I was a child of obedience, good grades, never swore, just desperately wanted to please my parents to no end, you get the picture. When I was a teenager she was physically and emotionally abusive with me, she went through a bad divorce with my dad and the death of her mother and sister so she did take it out on us, more so me and dealing with bulimia.  My mom does depend on me now for rides to work because she lost her license and does have type 1 diabetes so I’m the one responsible for her even though I want to move out and begin my life with my 7 year boyfriend. My mom doesn’t approve of us living together so I am afraid she will end our mother daughter relationship because she’s threatened it before. To this day she treats me horribly compared to my brother and sister even though I try hard not to start fights with her, I’m very quiet and passive which I guess she hates? And she walks all over me if my sister refuses to do something for my mom. Whenever I have tried to tell her how I feel she manipulates me into thinking something is wrong with me, she also seems to have a narcissistic personality problem but I’m not going to diagnose her. How can I begin my life without starting a war. An example that happened is that I expressed excitement over my future home that I offered that she can help decorate, she refused and said if I moved out she would never come over or talk to me but when my brother expressed wanting to move out she offered to pay his rent. Please help. (age 25, from Canada)

I don’t think the problem is that your mother hates you. I think it is that she needs you too much. Somewhere along the lines the boundaries may have gotten blurred and she began relying on you more than taking care of you. Things probably shifted during the time that she suffered so many losses. When you talk about moving out or asserting your independence she probably becomes fearful and does whatever she needs to do to keep you close, and it appears to be working. It doesn’t sound like she “needs” your brother and sister as much so she isn’t threatened by their independence.

You and your mother may have developed a codependent or enmeshed relationship and it will take time to unravel, but your mother will never be the one to initiate this change. It will be up to you, and it’s hard work.

You obviously love and care about your mother and are most likely still seeking her approval, so just telling you to move out and start living your own life may be too much too soon, but it is ultimately what you need to do. You can do it as lovingly as possible and help your mom strategize other ways to get her needs met, such as transportation, or you can just rip the bandage off and make you your number one priority and let your mom figure it out herself. After all, she has been an adult a lot longer than you. Don’t sell her short.

However, I understand that changing these ingrained patterns will take time and your self-esteem has been affected. Because this is hard work, I suggest that you enlist the help of a good therapist or find a local support group that addresses boundaries and codependency. There are also many self-help books on these topics. You deserve to be happy and live your own life, and your mom deserves to know you as a daughter, not her savior.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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I Can’t Say No

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

What do I do!? I just feel like I have no control over anything… it’s like I’m just always supposed to be on… I never have time for myself… I’m always either studying or working or listening to my mother’s problems with her ex-husband. I typically like to unwind by playing the bass, but I can’t even get what I need out of that.

Anytime I look forward to something my plans get changed to being horrible. There are just too many people and things places to do/go to… I am single so I can’t confide in another. Any time I think I can feel like, “ahh I can finally get some time to myself,” I end up getting people coming around and just making me have to contain my desires.

I already own several pets…. I live far away from any town. Everybody talks together in my community so I can’t tell them I’m too busy to put up with them… also I live with my mother so if I she wants something done I have to do it or I’ll be perceived as rude. So I just still… don’t know. I try to think happy but I just can’t. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do… if I even try to confide in another person they just give me a noncommittal unhelpful response. So what do I do? What’s wrong? Is it me being just horrible inside or is it other people? I don’t know anymore.

I don’t think anyone is being horrible (including you). I do think you have a lot to learn about establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. You are not going to be able to have healthy relationships until you do.

To start: You should not be your mother’s confidante about her problems with her ex. That simply isn’t your business. Tell her politely that her issues with her ex are something she needs to take up with him or with an adult friend. You don’t have advice to offer her. You are her daughter, not her adult friend.

If she brings it up again, simply tell her that you love her but you can’t help her with this topic and that you will leave if she persists. Then do it. Do it kindly, but do it. You can say something like, “I’m sorry this is so hard for you but I really can’t help.” Change the subject if you can. If she won’t let you, go to another part of the house or go for a walk. She’ll probably be annoyed at first but she’ll eventually quit asking if you quit responding.

It might also be helpful to establish regular household chores for yourself so that you do contribute but you’re not always having to drop everything to do what your mom wants. See if you can have a conversation with your mom about what you can do regularly to help out and still have some free time.

Beyond that: The problem is not that other people want you do do things or that they gossip. Small towns are just like that. The problem is that you haven’t figured out how to take charge of your life. At 20, you are at a time of life when there are many big decisions to be made. It’s normal to be nervous about it. If you are sometimes overwhelmed by the idea, you are not at all alone.

Do you think that maybe you go along with everyone’s else’s demands in order to avoid making those decisions? Or is it that you have an excessive need to please? Or maybe it’s a combination — or something else altogether.

Since I don’t have enough information to work with, I do suggest you talk to a local counselor. Apparently, your mother isn’t able to provide good guidance so you need another person to be your sounding board. Yes, I know that going to see a counselor may feel like just one more thing to do. But it’s very possible that investing that hour a week in yourself will help you find some direction and set some boundaries with others.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Do I Handle Mother Who Left Us 35 Years Ago?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 53 and one of 5 kids. Mother left Dad (us) in the ’80s for a woman in another State. She (they) eventually moved back but lived several hours away. We are only now realizing that many of our trials in life have been a result of her abandonment, lies, narcissism, and reluctance to acknowledge her hypochondria (which nearly frightened us to death as kids)or seek therapy for her own survivor’s guilt from when her own mother was killed by a drunk driver.

Her 5 siblings were taken to a veterans children’s home in 1933 and Mother was adopted by an aunt and her husband.She was rich, a prodigy at the best schools, and travelled. Her sibs were poor but a close, blue-collar family. She told us these things right before she took us to her dying birth father’s bed. She is unable to get along with people/cops/family and has been a combative recluse for the past 20 years.She can be majorly screaming crazy.

She left us.We have all tried to reach through to her sanity, emotions, and love but she speaks to us as though everything is always fine and even now her surprise trips to the ER continue. We have offered to have her move in.

She lived in a Catholic retirement home. Christian, she became a Catholic when we finally convinced Daddy to divorce her. Always punishing herself. She got in early because she could play the organ.

Here is my problem: She wanted this minimal relationship all these years, but with aging comes a need for increased contact. She’s still jerking us all around. She’s 85 and as healthy as can be.

I’ve coped with this by holiday visits, writing and calling rarely. Now I keep hearing people say to call her while she’s still with us. I cannot handle seeing her and it seems the guilt of not-seeing her is awful. It’s affecting my weight and activity level. Hasn’t she made her bed? I love her so. But I felt I accepted the loss of her 35 years ago and now I know if I try to connect again she will disappoint me tragically. It’s as she’s been dead already. Now that she’s elderly, I am crying for all that was already lost and it will renew when she actually dies this time. I don’t know if I can do that again.

Although you say you accepted the loss 35 years ago, you continue to feel guilt about the lack of connection and anticipate renewed grief when your mother actually dies. This suggests to me that you are suffering from what is called “incomplete mourning.” Because the loss was from abandonment, not death, it may be that you didn’t get the support you needed at the time. You couldn’t quite move on all the way because you didn’t have the finality of death. Instead you were left with some flicker of hope that you’d finally get the mother you longed for and deserved.

You lost your mother in a very real way when you were only 18 and launching into adulthood. Research tends to overlook young adults who lose their moms, according to Taranjit (Tara) K. Bhatia, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships, including mother-daughter bonds. Because they’re already adults, people assume these daughters don’t need maternal guidance. However, losing a mom has a powerful effect on young adult daughters. I imagine that you were angry, confused and sad. You might have even worried that you had done something wrong to cause it. You had a mother who was alive in the world who wasn’t really alive for you.

Well-intended people are suggesting you call her, which seems to be triggering the incomplete mourning. Those people don’t know your history. They are basing their suggestion on an assumption of a healthier relationship than you have ever had. They don’t understand that sometimes personal emotional health depends on separating from a toxic parent.

I see no reason for you to change your level of contact with her. Holiday visits and an occasional call acknowledge her, but maintain an appropriate boundary. There is no reason to think that increasing contact will get you the mother you always wanted. She isn’t likely to change at this point. You are likely to only re-experience the wounds of being left.

Instead, focus on accepting the positive “mothering” that comes from your friends and others who love you. Positive adult friendships include the nurturing and loving elements of mothering without the craziness your bio mother offers.

As for the people who are trying to give you advice: Thank them courteously for their concern and go your own way. They aren’t likely to understand your choice so there is no point in arguing with them. You don’t owe them an explanation. You certainly don’t need to follow their bad advice. Spend your time and energy with the people who count.

If you continue to be distressed, I encourage you to see a counselor to help you finish grieving the biological mother and to find the mothering you need in others.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Establishing Boundaries with my Parents

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am a 22 year old about to graduate from college. My dad has been seriously ill for 6 years. Now, he is home and severely depressed all of the time, because he cannot support the family. My parents fight constantly. My mom uses his sickness to make people feel bad for her and to guilt trip him or my siblings and I. She blames him for all her problems and all my problems. They both confide in me with their marriage and their sex life. They cling to me when I am home from college, and make me feel guilty for leaving, even for just a few hours. I’ve been home for extended periods of time (like summer vacation) and only left the house a handful of times.

I love them, but it’s gotten to the point where I am letting them hold me back from becoming an adult and starting my own life. I am thinking about moving out after graduation, but the very thought of telling them and hurting them makes me stressed out. I love them and cherish every moment I have with them, since I have almost lost my dad so many times. We are extremely close, and I fear losing that. What can I do to have a healthy relationship with them and establish boundaries without ruining things between us?

This is a very, very difficult situation for a sensitive person like yourself. You are bound by love and concern, but you also know in your very bones that this isn’t a healthy situation. Unfortunately, you are now caught in a co-dependent web. It is unlikely that you will be able to establish boundaries without incurring anger, disappointment and blame from your folks. They have each gotten accustomed to turning to you instead of each other. It may well be that things will be rough as you do what you need to do to become an independent adult.

For your family to be healthy, appropriate boundaries need to be re-established. Your folks need to relearn how to be a couple. You need to get out of their marriage and into your own life. That means refusing to talk to them about their marriage and especially their sex life. There’s no reason to argue about it. Simply tell them you will leave the conversation as soon as it turns to anything about them as a couple. Then quietly just do it.

Becoming independent means increasing your time away from home without explanations or excuses. A your age, you don’t owe them a reason for your absence. Get out of the house, even if it is just to go for walks or to the mall. Even better, start calling up your friends an arranging for normal social get-togethers that take you out regularly. It means getting a job, a place of your own and an age-appropriate life style.

You don’t need to do any of this with anger or accusations or debates. Keep the conversations about it to an absolute minimum. If invited to defend your choices, remind them you are 22 and that you are working on becoming the independent adult you know they want you to be. Reassure them that you are not in trouble or involved in anything illegal. Lovingly steer conversations to more appropriate and neutral topics like what’s in the news, on TV or in an interesting article you’ve read.

It’s highly likely that you and your parents will have a very hard time with normal separation. Your parents each need help you can’t provide. You all need help freeing you to be your own person.

I strongly urge you to get in touch with a family therapist to help you in the project. If your folks won’t go, go yourself. Often other people in a family will eventually agree to treatment when one member starts to go regularly and starts reporting positive results.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Alcoholic Mother, Enabler Father, Newly Married and Trying

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Long story short: My mother is a severe substance abuser (alcohol and pills) with depression and anxiety. She self harms, and mixes alcohol and pills. She is emotionally abusive by getting strung out and then doing the “woe is me, I am a bad mother” thing while i am picking her up off the floor. My father enables her by only blaming others and believing she is okay when she is not- even telling mental health professionals that they are wrong and she is fine.
I was married in February and has a baby in September and through the help of friends, family and my therapist tried to be supportive but also set boundaries about her substance abuse and my children (also have 2 older stepkids). I told her that she did not have to be sober but had to be making positive strides toward a healthier her- therapy, AA, *not hiding her alcohol*, being honest. I have expressed that all i want is a safe environment for my kids and that I want her to get better for her. Nothing has worked- she hides alcohol, wont go to AA or therapist, in and out of rehab, cuts her wrists and attempts suicide.
About 2 months ago, i tried to invite her and my father to come see the baby. That same week she went into a psych facility for depression and then cut her wrists and then omitted to tell me. So i canceled the invite. This was responded with increasingly nasty remarks and more “woe is me”.
So I made it clear that i needed a break and stopped talking to them. I feel awful about it. My parents are both well intentioned, but cant seem to stop being so toxic- to themselves or others. Especially with a new baby in the picture, I am torn between helping them (which all my support has gone unnoticed or criticized by them, and has only hurt my relationship with my husband) and having them a part of my life, but knowing that they are harmful- emotionally and physically.
I know this is the right choice for the health of my children and marriage, but I can’t stop beating myself up. I feel so guilty and I feel like i lost my family. I don’t know what to do.

I think you do know exactly what to do and are doing it — it is just very difficult. The feelings of guilt you are having are right on target. You are breaking the good ol’ family tradition of denial by setting boundaries and seeing things clearly.

If you haven’t made the connection, the kind of support you need will come from Al-Anon. In it you will find support for making this stance, and support is what you will need. You can’t use your mother and father as supports nor seek their approval. The natural consequence from this is to feel guilty for breaking with the family secret. But feeling guilty is much better than the systematic resentment you will feel for them if you don’t. Remember the Al-Anon saying: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it.”

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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In-Laws Not Letting Me See My Parents

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Hi, I am a 32 year old Indian woman living in the states. I have been married for 4 years and have a 1 year old boy.

My in-laws live in India and visit us every year for 4-5 months. They haven’t been very kind to me and have always treated me like a second class citizen. They don’t let me travel alone to India, so whenever we go to India it is for 2 weeks, out of which I get just 2-3 days to spend with my parents.

Last year when my son was born, they came to visit us her in the U.S. and stayed here for 4 months. So when we went to India after that I wanted to stay with my parents but they did not let me do that either.

This year I planned for my parents to come and live with us for 2 months. As soon as I booked their tickets, my in-laws started insisting on coming too. Now they want to come for the 4 months, completely over-lapping the two months my parents are here.

We live in a small one-bedroom apartment and there is no space for these many people in the house. This is really under-handed and insulting. I don’t know how to live with people like these anymore. Please help me.

This may be a cross-cultural issue I don’t entirely understand. From my point of view, the problem isn’t with your in-laws. The problem is that you and your husband haven’t worked together to draw boundaries around your own family.

The two of you are letting the older generation make decisions that, from an American’s point of view anyway, aren’t their decisions to make. I understand that the grandparents want to spend time with their child and grandchild. But I can’t imagine relatives announcing (not asking) that they will stay for months at a time in an already crowded apartment.

I strongly urge you and your husband to talk seriously and calmly about to what extent you are going to continue doing things that are perhaps traditional in India, but are not at all the way western families operate. From an American point of view, you and your husband are adults, not children who need to do whatever his parents think is right. Your in-laws can only come to visit if the two of you let them. People can only stay with you as long as you agree to let them stay. Your in-laws should not have the power to decide when and for how long you will visit your own parents. It’s your husband’s job to tell his parents to treat the wife he loves with respect. It is your job to calmly but firmly tell them that their insults are not appropriate. But those are all American responses to their behavior.

It doesn’t have to be one way or the other; Asian or America: You can decide on compromise positions. You may have to make changes gradually. As examples: You could limit visits to a month a year or state that relatives can certainly visit but they need to stay in a nearby hotel. You could decide to alternate visits between his family and yours to make things fair and even. You could ignore your in-laws dictates and decide your own travel schedule so that your family gets to spend as much time with you and your child as your in-laws.

Change is never easy. But neither is the current situation. You are caught between two value systems — the one you were brought up with and the one you are living in now. I hope you and your husband can figure out how to balance the two, even though his parents probably won’t like it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Worried Partner Has White Knight Syndrome

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m divorced (6 years now) and dating a divorced man who seems to be a pretty great guy. However, I have some reservations.

My SO is 11 years my senior, and was married for 17 yrs before having an affair with a woman 20 yrs his junior. He volunteered this information, saying he wanted me to know upfront. While I find it problematic, I empathize with the fact that his wife had denied him sex for over 2 years and that his daughter was co-sleeping with him and his wife all of her life at this point (7 yrs).

What I am having a harder time letting go of, is the possibility that he has some kind of White Knight Syndrome, or that I have reason to be threatened by this younger woman. Following the breakup of his marriage, she moved in with him and lived, rent-free, a year. He says that after a few months, the relationship became one of friendship, as she wanted to date other people. However, she never paid rent. Following his move to another state, she asked if she could come live with him. He agreed, and she moved into his new home. Again, they began a relationship, but progressed into a friendship. She continued to live off of him, rent-free, for 4 years.

She moved away one year ago. They remain friends. She does occasionally text him and he told me as much. She contacted him when she saw (Facebook) that he was in a relationship with me, telling him she was happy for him. A few days later, she called him, telling him her BF broke up with her, but now wanted to talk to her…and she didn’t know what to do. He thinks this is harmless, if victim-like, I see it as manipulative.

Her paintings still decorate his home, although he says this is because he just hasn’t thought to replace them with anything. I have no reason to think he has seen her since dating me, or anything like that. I am disinterested in banning him from talking to her or anything juvenile like that, but I did tell him that I did tell him that situation made me feel insecure.

He and I have dated for 3 months. We see each other 2-3x a week. He has told me he loves me, and he is supportive, nurturing.

Set clear boundaries with him. Explain that it is hurtful to you, that this need of hers has a history that has continually pulled him in, and that this isn’t what you want in a relationship. Make this very clear. Explain this is not okay, that it isn’t a gesture of support or help on his part as much as it is her inability to manage on her own, and that it smacks of manipulation. Make this simple for him. This is only a three month relationship and you setting very clear boundaries now is important. Explain that he is welcome to help her, but that this will directly influence how and if you relate to him.

Not to do this now would give a complicit endorsement to him — not at all what you want to do.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Setting and Respecting Boundaries

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My husband retired 3 years ago and he is 77. We have been married for 47 years. It has been a tough marriage not due to the usual reasons like cheating or addictions or sex or any of that. We are financially good, are both healthy. Our kids are settled and we are close to them. I have plenty of outside interests, friends I go out with, I volunteer and I write.

This is the problem. Our relationship sucks. I used to think we are just very different people and so compromised, adapted, forgave, stayed positive, tried to keep conflicts to the minimum, see the good and ignore the bad, gave him a lot of space which he demanded. I am just tired now. I feel it should not be so hard.

I am new to the concept of boundaries. I know how to set them but not sure how to apply them in action, in expression. Sometimes I think my husband has no boundaries, but perhaps I am not respecting what he has set such as wanting space. I feel caught between protecting my boundaries and respecting his. Our interaction is always tense and very quickly escalates into explosions and shouting. He talks a lot, lectures, is very loud and brooks no interruption. This is his idea of a conversation. Divorce is not the solution I am looking for. I would like to bring warmth, friendship, and harmony into our relationship although I feel exhausted trying. I feel as though setting boundaries is for enemies. So how will protecting and respecting each other’s boundaries work with my goal? sometimes I wonder how much I am contributing to this situation. How can I maintain my peace and still have a happy life with my husband? (age 65, from US)

Thank you for writing in with your question and I’m sorry you are experiencing these difficulties. In many ways I think you are doing everything right, and obviously some things are working since you and your husband have been together 47 years. It would be unfortunate to see the marriage end after so long, and especially now that you are both retired and should be able to enjoy this phase of your life together.

However, your relationship does not sound enjoyable. As much as you have tried to focus on the positive, it sounds like your husband has not met you half way. Relationships are a two way street and if your partner isn’t also trying to make things warm, harmonious and respectful, it’s no wonder you are exhausted.

I do disagree with you when you say that boundaries are only for enemies. All human relationships require boundaries in some ways. It really comes down to respecting yourself and your partner. You relate that you respect his boundary by giving him space, but it does not sound like he respects yours if he lectures and shouts at you. This pattern will be difficult to change after all these years, but it’s a good place to start. You can let him know that you want him to speak to you softly and listen to what you have to say, or you will simply leave the conversation. If you do this enough times, he should start to get the point.

Divorce is definitely not the only answer, but if he is unwilling to work with you to make things better it may be an option you need to consider. Sometimes mentioning the possibility at least gets the other person’s attention enough that they will begin to work on things. Obviously the two of you would benefit from marital counseling, but you could also try a weekend couple’s retreat, a self-help book (such as one by John Gottman), or having some meetings with your priest or pastor if appropriate.

Finally, I have certainly worked with some couples who have decided to stay together but basically live separate lives for the most part. Maintaining the outside interests that you mention would be key in this regard.

Whether you decide to stay and work to make things better, stay but find your happiness in other ways, or ultimately make the difficult decision to leave the marriage, I hope that you find the peace you are looking for.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Husband Is a Teacher But Has ‘Mentorship’ Relationships with Students

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My husband(57) is a Phys Ed teacher and sports coach. He deals with thousands of students every day, but he always seems to have his favourites — normally girls of 18-20 who pour out their problems to him about being raped by family members/friends and appeal to his fatherly/protective side. There was even a case where the young girl was sending nude photos to him on her phone — which unfortunately my teenage daughter happened to see. We all went for counselling a few years ago, but now he has this relationship with a young girl who he coached softball last year. I picked up some vibes last year and challenged him but he said they were very close and he was helping her with some issues as she has been raped by her uncle at an early age.

Anyway, in Jan I felt he was on his phone too much again, and I looked at a current conversation when he went to the kitchen, and it was with this young girl again and the content was not appropriate – in my opinion (dreaming about him etc, sending love and hugs etc). We had a huge argument and he assured me that he would delete her off his phone – AGAIN – and that he was just helping her through some issues. BUT THEN in June this year I happened to see that her name was back on his phone and he said that she was now working in the Tuck Shop at the school (she left in 2014) and had also asked him if she could coach softball for the younger team. He had not told me as he did not want to HURT ME!!! that there was nothing going and that they were close as a father and daughter. So she is back on his phone and with him quite a lot for softball etc.

I told him I was really not happy about the situation, and he went wild that I was looking at his phone again, and assured me that she was just a coach and that she was just like a daughter to him even though I saw 30 whatsapps in ONE DAY. I feel like a stalker now as I have her on my phone (not that she knows) & I see that they are on whatsapp at the same time – I feel terrible and really don’t know how to tackle this – am I over reacting. I a finding it hard to trust him. (From South Africa)

You’re not overreacting. It’s typically very much frowned upon for that close of a relationship between teacher and student. It is far too much contact — and clearly inappropriate. But the most difficult part about this is that it really bothers you, and he is choosing to maintain the relationship rather than honor his wife. Also his past behavior indicates that he has obvious difficulties in setting boundaries.

It is time for couple counseling. You may want to talk to the therapist you had earlier to help sort this through. I would do this sooner rather than later. Without a third/party intervention by a therapist, it doesn’t sound like he has the ability to properly manage himself sound students.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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