Ideal Archives

I really need advice…I’m 26 years old, I have been on in on going feud with my parents for over a year because of my boyfriend. I have known him since I was 7 and we meet in Sunday school. We reconnected about 2 years ago and I’m absolutely in love with him. My parents hate him because of his lack of a college degree, his cultural background doesn’t match ours, and physical appearance. My parents don’t allow him in the house and don’t actually know him. They judge him based on pictures that they have seen and the change in behavior of their once obedient daughter to wild child (apparently). My parents have immigrated here over 20 years ago and unfortunately hold their beliefs tight. My boyfriend has a very good job with benefits, not an alcoholic, doesn’t do drugs, and more importantly is so good to me. They fail to see that, it has become such a bad situation. My mom calls me really offensive names, saying that I am stupid and brainwashed, etc. When she says these things to me I react and I admit many times out of anger, cursing and yelling. I know that is not the way to do it, but I have tried talking to them as adults and civilized. It just doesn’t work. She sends my boyfriend offensive text messages. I really want to be with my boyfriend and I see a future with him. We had a friendship before and I had never had such as strong bond with someone. My parents have this ideal guy in mind for me, rich guy with an education. If it was up to them then I would be in the house until I am 45 when one comes along. I’m not interested, as long as he treats me right then I am ok. Now I am coming to my breaking point. Our arguments and fights are really bad, my family is ashamed of me, my parents are making themselves sick over this. Both my parents say they are going to leave the house and the rest of the family if it continues. I can’t take this anymore. I have a great job and an important year coming up that can be easily ruined with this stress. I really need some guidance because at this point I feel like everyone is just telling me what to do. PLEASE HELP!!!

At 26 you’re being overly influenced by your parents’ emotional reaction. It’s unfortunate that your parents don’t realize that the very way they are treating you is the way they fear your loving boyfriend would be hurting you. They are already doing to you what they dread he might do. They are the ones verbally abusing you and trying to control you by hurting those you love.

The emphasis here is on moving on. If your parents are threatening to leave the home — wish them well. If you have an opportunity to move out, now is the time to do so. The most important thing that your parents are missing is that in the effort to help protect you they are hurting you in the very ways we are trying to guard you from. If you can’t move out now make a plan to leave and stick to it.

Normally I would recommend family therapy, but it doesn’t sound like your parents are interested in this path. I think I would explain exactly where you’re at with them in a discussion. But then make a plan not to live under the same roof. It is time for you to have your own life. The sooner the better.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

My boyfriend and I met when his Uncle and my mother got married. We have known each other for years and recently him and I have grown closer and have started dating. We have been dating for 7 months now and my parents will not approve. We have tried sitting them down and talking to them and each of us talking to them individually and they just don’t want to hear it. It has gotten to the point where I have had to move out because of the way that they treat me. My mother can’t even look at me the same way.

It really hurts because I am still the same person I always have been. I work very hard to do well in school and to support myself but she still can’t approve of something as little as my relationship. I understand that it is not the ideal situation and it is very complicated but shouldn’t my parents be able to look past it and see that I am extremely happy with my boyfriend? He is related to me through MARRIAGE not by blood. It is completely different. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with this issue…

As you are already finding, your relationship isn’t a “little” issue to your mother. You wrote that you and your boyfriend have tried to talk to the older generation. What you didn’t tell me is what their objection is. If it is on the grounds of your being “related,” their concerns are irrational. You and your boyfriend are not related genetically. There is nothing morally or legally wrong with your relationship.

But if they don’t see you two as a good match for other reasons, then it’s only respectful and potentially important to hear them out. They may see a truth or a partial truth that is hard for you to hear but still at least somewhat valid. Your mother may be doing only what mothers do — trying to protect you from making what she sees as a mistake. The question of whether you are “related” may be only a distraction that is covering up more important concerns. At least ask her directly to find out.

If the issue is truly about a mistaken idea about the morality of dating someone who is related only by marriage, then it’s going to be tough to change the older folks’ minds. Issues of strong principle are often not very negotiable. All you can do then is be clear that you love and respect them but that you have to live by your own moral code, not theirs, and hope that they eventually come around to acceptance if not agreement. This is more likely to be successful if you stay out of arguments. There is nothing to argue about. Neither of you are going to change the other. All you can do is lovingly agree to disagree.

My best advice to you is to be more openminded than the older folks are and to not draw such a deep line in the sand that you can’t reconcile at some point. Permanent cutoff from your family would be very painful for both you and your boyfriend. Give your mother and his uncle some time to get used to the situation. If it is clear that you two are truly a committed couple, they may soften over time. Should that happen, you want to be in the frame of mind that you’ll be able to forgive and move on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Ideal

Parents Won’t Accept Boyfriend

My boyfriend and I are related through marriage