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Unrequited Love for Sister-In-Law

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So I’m in love with my brother’s wife. We were friends before they married so I guess you could say I was robbed of a wife and robbed of a life. I’ve been trying my best to bury this situation, but I’ve been unable to cut the roots. Now 15 years later I’m still struggling. I feel so angry and confused but I’m madly in love with her even though it’s so complicated. I wish she was mine but I’m not the kind of person that is jealous of or wants to ruin my brother’s marriage. I don’t know what to do. I’m in dire need of help and advice. (From the UK)

Thank you for putting forth your question. The most intriguing thing about it is what you haven’t said. There is no mention of your sister-in-law’s interest in you, her life satisfaction with your brother, or any effort at romantic relationships on your part. What you have said seems to have come entirely from your point of view, relating only to your needs, and without reciprocity or validation from her of any kind. There is no mention that “we” are in love, or that there is a joint fascination. The only thing that you’ve identified as the foundation for your feelings is the fact that you used to be friends. Specifically missing in that underpinning is any kind of romantic attraction that is shared.

What you have said is that because of this friendship more than 15 years ago “I was robbed of a wife and robbed of a life.” That doesn’t sound like what happened at all. It may, indeed, be what you feel, but did your brother steal her from you? It doesn’t sound that way. It sounds like you didn’t make your feelings known, and that if you did your sister-in-law didn’t respond. Either way, she has chosen your brother, and it doesn’t sound from your email that she has chosen him over you. While that might be upsetting it doesn’t add up to you being robbed of a wife and a life. In fact, saying that may be the very reason you are not moving forward.

She was never “yours” in any way, shape, or form to begin with. How can you be robbed of something you don’t have? Your brother has won the girl of your dreams and so there is nothing left for you to do but pine over it, be angry, upset, and confused. Staying stuck and wishing things were different—particularly since you are saying that it is only you that is in love with her. Never once in your email do you say “we” are madly in love. This is one-sided. Otherwise, you would be talking about this as a joint complication between the two of you. Instead, you are talking about it as a highly personal internal struggle. You thoughts operate more like a fantasy than a complicated love interest.

Finally, you say that you are not a jealous person. The typical definition of ‘jealous’ is feeling or showing envy because of what someone else has. This is exactly what you are saying. You wish you had the relationship with your sister-in-law that your brother has. This is jealousy.

Pining over unrequited love is classically human and is as old as the species. But from everything you’ve said this feeling of being stuck may not have to do with a fantasy of what you wanted. The reason it doesn’t get better is that you are confronting these feelings in a vacuum. Otherwise, you would be talking about how the two of you are going to figure out your love interest in each other.

There isn’t enough information in your email to offer more than this, except that in most instances my experience has been that yearning for the one that got away is often a way not to invest in other relationships. I don’t know if that is the case here, but I’d recommend individual therapy to start unraveling the knot that has kept you aching for this relationship to happen, particularly when it hasn’t had much else but a friendship beneath it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Deep Attraction Towards My Sister-in-Law

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From India: I am married for over two decades. My wife’s elder sister is also married and is around a year older than I am. She stays in another city and visits her parents every year, or two, as my in-laws also stay in the same city as ours. Though not until many years after my marriage but, over the years, I have become very fond of her. I find her very beautiful, very charming and full of virtues, so much so that I cannot keep my eyes off her when we meet. I am obsessed with her emotionally and miss her presence for weeks and months after she returns to her city. Her departure always leaves a big void in my life and I keep thinking about her long after she is gone. My wife is the only emotional support I have and she is very caring and full of virtues, too. I love her a lot. However, I often strongly feel like opening my heart out to my S-i-L but am afraid that all hell would then break loose because my S-i-L is a woman of great character and cannot even think of reciprocating such feelings towards me. Nevertheless, I feel sometimes that if I confide in her then, maybe, she might keep this as a secret between the two of us as its divulgence shall ruin her sister’s marriage. I realize that my conduct is unbecoming of a husband and also immoral but I feel completely gripped by her thoughts. What is your advice?

However charming and beautiful she is, your sister-in-law is not available. To tell her your feelings would damage your relationship with her and your relationship with your wife. It could even damage the relationship between the sisters and your relationship with the entire family. Even if your S-I-L kept your secret, this would be so. She could not look at you without knowing that you are betraying her sister.

But you know this. In spite of knowing it, you persist. Instead of looking deeply at yourself and why you won’t totally commit to your marriage, you distract yourself with the excitement of the forbidden. Ultimately, this will destroy the relationship with the wife you say you love.

I think you are asking the wrong question. You say you love these two women but you are not committed to either. One of my best teachers used to say that two relationships are fewer than one. Spreading your feelings over two people means that neither person gets all of you. For some people, this is a way to avoid taking the total emotional risk that is involved in really joining with another.

My advice? Get into counseling and deal with whatever it is that frightens you about really marrying your wife — all the way. Only then should you make a decision about what to say to the two women.

I wish you well.

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I Need Answers with This Problem with My Crush

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

It’s So Much More Than A Simple High School Crush. I’m renaming my crush Jack. I met Jack in 7th grade, we were more like acquaintances then, but i had a huge crush on him. Now, almost 4 years later, it’s so much more than that. I cannot get him out of my mind. He pops into my head at weird times. Sometimes, he will pop into my head and suddenly he will appear. I was driving a road close to where i live and he popped into my head. The song playing had nothing to do with love, all of a sudden his truck passed by. It was just me and him on that road (I live in the country so there aren’t many busy roads) and all i could think was why did it have to be him? of all the people who live here, and when he is on my mind he passes me. so weird. Anyway, when I started sophomore year at the end of August last year, Jack was in one of my classes. we got assigned seats and he got put next to my best friend and i got put across from his best friend. the way our desks are set up are sideways from the board. If he wanted to look at his friend who sat across from me, he would have to back his chair to see around other peoples heads to be able to look at his friend. As soon as we got assigned seats, i would catch him looking at me. I figured he was looking at his friend but whenever he would actually look to his friend i noticed him backing his chair up to see around other people. He never backed his chair up and we made direct eye contact. It would be like 5seconds until i turned away. happens in the hallway too. I would catch him looking. I talked to him a couple times in that class but i was so nervous. 2017 is new so i decided to add him on snapchat. I was so nervous and he added me back. We talked for a couple weeks until all of a sudden he would leave me on read. It broke my heart. Now he will sometimes reply but still the random thoughts and appearances of him occur. My mom’s friend said weird thoughts of him popping up are when he’s thinking of me too. Help me?

I’m not sure of your exact question so I can only provide a general response. Some people use the term “infatuation” to describe their strong attraction. You use the term “crush”, but I’m not certain if there is a major difference between crush and infatuation. Semantics aside, the bottom line is that you are very fond of “Jack.” Regarding your mother’s friend theory, I’m not aware of any phenomenon like the one that she has described.

You’ve been interacting with “Jack” for some time and he interacts back. If you like him, why not let him know? Perhaps he’s interested and would want to be in a relationship with you or perhaps he isn’t. Tell him how you feel. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Seek Out Older-Sister Figures to Form An Attachment To

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, I’m a 20-year-old girl. I’m writing because I easily form child-like attachments to women older than me. When I was 17, I was in an IOP day program for an eating disorder/vomit phobia. My psychologist was a 28-year-old woman. I didn’t think much of her at first. Then we did an exposure therapy for my vomit phobia and things changed. I have a fear of throwing up in front of people. we went to a populated area and she wanted me to pretend I was about to throw up and I refused. It was too weird for me. So she did instead and said I had to watch. I was extremely uncomfortable and wanted to run away. I was embarrassed for her. She saw how uncomfy I was and we stopped. I couldn’t make eye contact with her for a week or 2 after that. And then all of a sudden, I had this intense attachment towards her. I thought she was super pretty, I looked up to her and greatly admired her, I wanted her attention, I wanted to know about her real life, I wanted to be her favorite patient, I wanted her to treat me little kid. Sometimes I’d even get jealous of how she would treat actual little kids. I was dependent on her and wanted her around for every meal when I had to face my fears. But at the same time, she made me nervous too because I wanted her to like me. Let me stress that this was in no way sexual or romantic. The best way I can describe it is child-like. Like how a little kid clings to an older kid they like. And when I couldn’t see this doctor anymore, I was so upset. I’d cry at the thought of her and have dreams about her. I’d look her up online. But I got over it. Then, when I was 19 I joined a collegiate EMS department. The caption was a senior at my college and I immediately started to look up to her and greatly admire her. I thought she was super pretty too. I wanted her attention and praise and friendship. I wanted her to take me under her wing. Still do. These are the most noteable accounts. So why do I do this? (I have a theory, but I’m at the word limit).

Without knowing a great deal more about your personal history, it is very difficult to answer your “why” question.” With limited information, I can only provide general information.

When your therapist threw up in public and did so despite the embarrassment it may have caused, you might have felt that was a great sacrifice on her part. Her sacrifice may have increased your intimate feelings towards her to the point of being in love with her. You denied that it was a romantic love but even if you do not think it was, it still may have happened.

A similar situation may be present for the individual in the EMS department. Perhaps she did something that you found noteworthy and increased your attention or love towards her. You admitted to greatly admiring her. You find her attractive. You want her attention and friendship. This seems to be another instance of you falling in love with someone, even if you do not call it that.

The love you feel for these individuals seems to go beyond the normal elements of love that one sees in relationship. You seem to have become obsessed or fixated on these individuals. There are two possible explanations for this.

Regarding your therapist, that could have been an example of transference. In counseling settings, there are times when a client develops strong feelings towards their therapist. When the therapist develops strong feelings towards their client, it’s called countertransference. Transference involves unconscious feelings that are transposed onto another significant individual, in this case, your therapist. These feelings can be love, sexual or negative in nature. These feelings can be irrational, intense and can be disruptive to the client-therapist relationship.

The nature of transference is often linked to past relationships. As children, we have positive or negative attachments to caregivers. Those past relationships with our caregivers can impact how we relate to others in the world. If those relationships were positive and supportive, then how we relate to others is positive and healthy. If those relationships were disruptive or negative, then relating to others can be difficult and problematic. It’s possible that you had disrupted early attachments and that may explain why you tend to become fixated on individuals who seem to be showing you attention.

Regarding your attachment to the EMS worker, that would not fall into the category of transference because is not a therapeutic relationship. Again, perhaps something from your early childhood attachments is affecting how you relate and connect with others.

It’s also important to mention that individuals who have a tendency to become fixated and unhealthily attached to others in the world sometimes engage in stalking behavior. Female stalkers often pursue prior acquaintances, often mental health professionals. Many have borderline personality disorder, among other disorders.

Individuals with borderline personality disorder are often emotionally intense, unstable and have an extreme fear of abandonment. Researchers theorize that this fear of abandonment stems from unstable early attachments in which they tend to vacillate between idolizing others and having a negative emotional feeling towards themselves and others.

I’m not suggesting you are a stalker but you did engage in a number of behaviors that are consistent with individuals who go on to engage in stalking behavior. One is that you became obsessed and fixated on these individuals. Another is that you spent time tracking them online. Perhaps you did this because of the love you felt for them or because of some other reason.

The manner in which you become fixated on others, and become dependent on their praise and attention, is outside the norm. Since you are aware this problem, you can work to change it. You’ve undergone counseling in the past but it’s not clear that you are currently in treatment. If not, you should be. You might try working with a therapist who specializes in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). It might help to eliminate these unhealthy attachments you admittedly form with older individuals.

Again, I cannot provide a specific answer because I do not know your personal history. My response is general and based on the minimal amount of information provided. Hopefully, you can resolve this problem with an in-person therapist. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Half-Brother Is in Love with Me & I Don’t Know What to Do

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My half brother and i were raised separately and told he was my uncle not my brother cuz our grandma adopted him. our relationship became extremely inappropriate when he was 14 and i was 8, he raped me, not in a malicious way but still. i forgave him. grandma didnt let him have friends, he was over weight, everyone but me made fun of him, he had it rough. our mother didnt raise either of us, i was raised by my great aunt. we found out 3 years later that we were siblings. he went to prison shortly thereafter on unrelated charges for almost 20 years. now he is out and says he is in love with me, that he is addicted to me, that the happiest he has ever been was the incident in the past. i know he is still shaky from being in prison for so long and still adjusting to the outside world and i dont want to make anything more difficult on him. i am in a relationship, one i have been in for over 10 years and i hope to marry my boyfriend someday but even if i were single i would not be interested in my brother. thats not to say i didnt have confusing feelings of my own at some point but he is my brother. i want to help him but he creeps me out sometimes, and says things that i dont know how to respond to. he obsessively calls me or texts me daily. what should i do? what can i do?

Your brother’s attraction to you is anything but normal. The fact that his fondest memories stem from having raped you suggests a high level of mental instability. Rape is not only immoral, but it’s a crime. In some states, if you reported his rape to the authorities, he could still be prosecuted.

You want to help your brother, but you are not a mental health professional. You can’t help him. He needs professional help. The best way to help him is to suggest that he seek professional help.

It’s also not your obligation to help your brother. He is an adult man. He is not intellectually disabled or otherwise incapable of helping himself. Having spent 20 years in prison means that he might have a parole or probation officer who can assist him in seeking professional help. Suggest that he contact his probation or parole officer for assistance. If he is unwilling to seek help, consider reporting his behavior to his probation or parole officer.

Finally, the tone of your letter suggests that you want to protect your brother but it’s important to put this problem in perspective. There’s nothing healthy about your brother’s behavior or his desires. You should do everything in your power to keep your distance. Call the authorities if he does not stop harassing you. Obviously you do not want your brother in legal trouble but his obsessive calling and texting is concerning and might even constitute stalking.

You have to do what is necessary to protect yourself from a person who has demonstrated his inability to control his impulses and who has a history of violence. Do not discount his past behavior just because he is your brother and you feel bad. Though there are exceptions, past behavior can be predictive of future behavior. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Fell in Love for the First Time

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Recently I found a great friend with whom I connected with immediately. Things took off to the extent that both our wives picked on us for liking each other. After being married and having children — now I am questioning everything.

Then before I knew it, I was in love. Being with him means everything to me and being apart is torture. I cannot give him enough and would do anything to be with him. I think it is abundantly clear he has no interest. But my feelings persist. We both have beautiful families and would have to become completely different people to be together. We would have to destroy our lives and the ones we love in the process.

I know it should not, cannot, will not happen, but he invades my thoughts every moment of the day. I try to continue focusing on work and improving my health. I have already confessed my infatuation to my wife and we are working together to bring my heart back into our marriage. But the more we fight against these feelings the stronger they become.

I do not feel like my mind can take much more of this emotional abuse. At times I feel like running away from what I am doing. At other times it seems like it would be easier to die than to go on struggling with my emotions. All the while just standing next to him gives me peace; the emotions calm, the anxiety evaporates, and my heart races with ecstasy.

He is both the poison and the cure. I realize this sounds like an addiction and is likely a simple case of obsession. But being with him makes the world right. How can this be a bad thing? What if we are supposed to be together and all the decisions we have made leading up to our meeting are standing in the way?

If I could just feel the same way in my marriage with my wife and children then everything would be alright. But I have never felt this way with anyone. I don’t know that I will ever find this anywhere else. I cannot walk away from the one person that simply completes me.

Clearly I need some guidance. The fact that I can view this objectively and ye have no power over it is the true torture. Please, give me a solution that lets me keep him as a friend.

Thank you for your heartfelt letter. There are several factors to highlight. First, the unavailability of this person — I believe — is part of the attraction. This is almost always the case. The impossibility of it sets up a dynamic where you can want — and not have. The fact this is an unrequited love means that you have chosen not only somebody who is unavailable by circumstance — but someone unavailable by his decision. This is important. Did not overlook this. Craving him, the quest, the desire itself, along with the infatuation and unavailability, may be all part of this package. The real issue is whether or not you want to remain married.

The weakness in the marriage is the important issue. Find out what’s not working there, and explore. All of your efforts need to be on deciding whether or not your marriage has enough to be sustained. The other person is typically a symptom of the weakness. Attending to your relationship with your wife — and deciding if that is worth keeping—is the first and foremost work to be done. A good couples’ counselor can help. The find help tab at the top of this page may be able to help you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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The Girl I Love Is Secretly in Love with Our Common Friend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Well I fell in love with a friend. first I didn’t know she was bi. we hangout a lot and one day we were at my house and she started getting close to me and she kissed my neck and I didn’t push her off. we didn’t kiss or had sex. well the two days after we acted like we were together but secretly because she wasn’t out. and after that she apologized for the day when she got close to me. than I had to tell her that I love her and she rejected me.
we met for a quick talk and she told me that she is in love with our straight friend (her best friend) and she don’t want to use me as a rebound. and what she felt the day we got close was only physical. well I don’t think so because she is not a sexual/physical person and she told me that when we talked again on the phone (contradiction)
What I know that she had issues with her dad and that common friend (a girl) stayed by her side back in the days. I don’t know also what type of issues she had with her dad. what I know is that when she talks about him she describes him as an animal. the straight friend is so much caring, she cares about everyone and stayed next to her this time.
it’s hard for me because I saw the spark in her eyes when we hang out together even this one friend want us to be together because she thought that the girl I love likes me too because it’s obvious.
it’s hard for me because she still talks to me every day I see her at college we have the same classes. it’s very hard because she gave me signals than she rejected me
I don’t know if I should tell our common friend that she loves her
I don’t know if a should stay by her side
I don’t know if I should leave
it’s just too hard for me
I care for her and want to know if this bad relationship with her dad and our friend being caring are the reasons that she rejected me or she maybe thought that was love and she is just afraid of losing her best friend.
ps she told that even if her best friend will only think of her as a sister she would be happy to stay with her because she loves her and she rejected my help to get out of the situation. (From Lebanon)

Don’t look for more from this relationship than what you are getting. While it may be hard for you — the work is for you to accept the fact that she has rejected you, that the mutual relationship she has with your joint friend is their business, and that you should not go into orbit around hoping she will change her mind.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Friend Is Unhealthy Obsessed with a Celebrity

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have a friend who was married 8 months ago. She has recently found out that she may be pregnant which is happy news since they have been trying for about a month. However if she had a discussion with me that greatly concerns me. Her favorite band is playing in Chicago, states away and she immediately bought plane and concert tickets for her and me so she could go see them. However she is obsessed with the leader of the band. She says that he is the exact same guy that she has seen in her dreams as a love interest before she even knew this guy existed in real life. She is taking this trip to Chicago just to meet this guy. She says that according to his personal details she thinks they would have a soul connection and that if they were in a relationship it would be intense and he would understand her more than her current husband. She is convinced her dreams mean she needs to be with this guy and that if she goes to Chicago he will want to be in a relationship with her.

And the past few months she’s also been struggling with a recurrence of anxiety and depression. She spoke with her husband about this today and it looks like they will be taking a break and possibly talking about a divorce. The level of Obsession she has with this band member is concerning seemingly along the lines of celebrity worship. The thing is I don’t know how to help her or approach her about her needing help for this. She is normally a rational person but regarding this she is completely irrational and is convinced that things like her having a love dream about him and then waking up to find that he is like something she posted on his Twitter means that this is Destiny. I don’t really know her all that well and we’re more like really good acquaintances or low-level friends so it’s hard to be honest or Frank with her that she needs help. How can I help her?

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of only a letter, of course. But what you are describing is consistent with a diagnosis of erotomania. This is a psychotic disorder where a person truly believes that a (usually famous or high status) stranger is a love interest. Since this occurred when your friend got pregnant, I have to wonder if something either medical or psychological was triggered by the pregnancy.

You probably can’t help her with this. Her husband, however, may be able to. Do share this information with him. She needs help, not a “break” from the marriage. I hope he’ll be able to get her to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. Her health, the marriage, and the baby’s health depend on it.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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