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Boyfriend Cheated on Me with Ex-Wife and She’s Still in the Family

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I have been dating and living with my boyfriend for 18 months. He cheated with his ex from the start and for the first 6 months of our relationship. I caught him, he lied, then confessed – several times. He claimed he loved me and wanted me. (He told me that they were over when we got together, but he did NOT tell me that while they were indeed split up, he’d been desperately trying to get her back for 2 years and was still trying and couldn’t get over her.)  So, he claims he is finally over her now and sees her for the horrid person she is. He loves and wants me. I believe him (reluctantly and somewhat suspiciously). I am trying to trust him. Ex says she doesn’t want him but was just trying to break us up by seeing him. Unfortunately, Ex has a grandson (her daughter’s son – not his biological grandson). Ex was raising the boy (now 4 yrs) when they were together so he was also very close to the boy. She refuses to let him see the grandson claiming that HE is NOT family.

However, Ex moved in with my boyfriend’s sister and they are now best friends. Ex brings the boy over to boyfriend’s parents house to visit grandson’s “great grandparents” (they are not biological family either) because she says they are family (how can his parents be family, but he is not?). Boyfriend’s parents like Ex, love the grandson and want to see him. So, this brings her around to boyfriend’s parents house, a LOT for family occasions, holidays, random visits, etc. So, he cheated with this ex (they are still not fully divorced) but I can’t get her out of my life. His parents basically said that I should get over it because they aren’t going to tell her not to come over. They like me but too bad. Boyfriend tells me the same – that he is over her (now, finally) and since his parents won’t tell her not to come around, and he is NOT going to stop visiting them (and I would NEVER ask or expect that) that I just need to deal with it. Ex and his sister both absolutely hate me because I am “the other woman” (like it’s my fault and I knew). How do I deal with her and the situation? (age 47, from US)

Your best bet would be to run as fast as you can away from the situation and cut your losses before it gets any more complicated. I know that’s easier said than done, but starting a new relationship with so many barriers is going to be very difficult to overcome.

Was he cheating on her with you or cheating on you with her? Either way, it’s not good. Even if their relationship was in fact over by the time you started dating, he was obviously not “over her” and had not taken enough time before getting involved with someone else. And even though you are dating him and not his family, starting a relationship off on the wrong foot with family can take a long time for things to settle down. You should really think about whether all this is something you want to deal with and if you really feel like you can trust him. If you decide to move forward, I highly suggest that you attend a few couple’s therapy sessions together. Good luck with it all.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Dad Told Me Mom Has Cheated on Him & Is Cheating on Him

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I found out very recently that my mom has cheated on my dad 4 times in the past. They’ve gone to counseling each time, where she denies her cheating until finally she admits it but blames it on him “not meeting her needs.” I didn’t want to hear this in the first place but you can’t unring a bell.

Besides the betrayal I’m feeling and undoubtedly what my dad is feeling as it’s happening again (this time its emotional cheating via an online relationship across the continent, complete with “I love you” texts and pictures exchanged), on top of that I’m living with them again in spite of being 25 years old because I had to move for a job opportunity which I took because they missed me and wanted me back in my home town.

I realized after a month of being back that my mom became more distant/used the excuse she needed introversion time, but she daily goes on a 2 hour bike ride, a 1-2 hour lunch, and then spends 3+ hours at night on her computer on the stupid game I introduced her to that she met this guy on.

I don’t know how to deal with my dad’s reveal to me, I don’t know how to act around my mom anymore, and I don’t know how to handle the fact that besides cheating on my dad, she’s also seeming to check out on being a mom (saying things like “I’ve raised you kids already, you don’t need me.” My sister knows she has a slush fund set aside that she’s kept secret from dad and we basically all think she’s biding her time before running, at which point my only coping strategy would be to write her off as no longer being my mom.

In the interim, to not go insane, I feel a need to keep the peace, pretend everything is fine, and give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s not going to up and leave and try and take half of everything. My parents, to my perception before all of this was revealed, have been “happily married” for 30 years. I don’t know if I should tell her I know or keep it secret and pray for the best. I also don’t know how to stop being hurt and feeling rejected over my mom not wanting to be my mom.

It sounds like moving back in with your parents was a bad idea. These are not your problems. Your father told you about your mother, and now he’s expecting you to keep it to yourself. There’s no need to pretend that everything is fine. If you didn’t live there anymore, this would no longer be your problem. This is not to say that you would ignore it and act like nothing is happening but these are their problems to work through. It’s their marriage.

As for your mother no longer acting like a mother, you and your siblings are adults (from what is sounds like in your letter). The job of a parent is to prepare their children for the world, so they can make it on their own. That job usually ends around the age of 18, and then parents need to make the transition to advisor and friend. You moved out and were doing fine but decided to move back in. Your mother had moved on with her life and was doing things that interested her. The way she figured it, her job was done.

Understandably, it’s difficult to be in the middle of this type of situation. Your father should have kept that level of personal information to himself. It would have been better if he could have gone to a therapist to discuss those issues. It’s the ideal place to be dealing with matters of infidelity and other relationship issues. You might suggest that he talk to a therapist about these personal issues instead of you. Therapists are trained to know how to deal with these issues.

If you’re struggling with these issues, you might also consider consulting a therapist. It might help while you are living with your parents. It might also help you to clarify what you want to do with your own life. At 25, people are exploring what it is they want to do. They are thinking about their careers, developing their own relationships, and getting to know who it is they are and what they want to be. These are the developmental tasks that are necessary for healthy psychological growth and development. These are the kinds of things that should be the primary focus of your life at this time. Let your parents deal with their own marriage and relationship. They are going to have to figure out these things on their own.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this problem. It’s not easy to be in the middle of these sorts of issues. Love and support your parents. Offer your moral support, but its best to try to focus on your own life. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Trust is a gift

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married for seven months. We’ve been together for a year and half and I’ve known him for four years. In the first 6-7 months of the relationship,he slept with his previous girlfriend. We were not in what he called a ‘serious’ relationship so he feels as though he did nothing wrong. I disagree. He was dishonest about it and knew I was very much in love and didn’t give me the chance to make a decision about whether or not to stay with him. He also fell on hard times and borrowed a great deal of money ($10k over 7 months).

When I found out about the sexual relationship I forgave him because I was desperate to make it work. Unfortunatley, that is much easier said than done. I hold resentment and am constantly feeling insecure. I am obsessed with trying to look at his phone records, emails…anything that will give me a clue as to what he is doing.

I have uncovered multiple white lies because he is afraid to tell me the truth because of my reactions (this is justified on his part – because of the lack of trust, I tend to get very upset when he talks to other women or is not where he says his is,etc). But I have not uncovered any official infidelity.

I feel like I’m stuck. I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I just don’t trust him. He gets angry when I look at his personal stuff and I get embarrassed for being so insecure. This is not who I am. I have turned into an insecure beast. We are about to walk away from this marriage because I can’t trust him….even if he tells white lies, they are still lies…how do I know the difference if he lies about something big? He can’t trust me to not overreact and I just can’t trust him. Is there any hope?

You don’t need me to tell you that you are in danger of creating the very thing you fear. It’s already happening. The more you play detective and judge, the more private your husband will be, and the more you will distrust him. Ideally you would not have married until you had resolved this but you did so now the stakes are even higher.

Here’s the hard truth: If you want this marriage to have a chance, you need to give your husband the gift of your trust. He can’t earn it. He can’t prove to you he is trustworthy because nothing he does is enough for you. So it’s up to you. If you love this man and think he is a quality guy, then stop all the intrusive questioning and snooping and focus on making a good life with him.

Yes, there’s a risk he’ll break your heart. But a risk is better than a guarantee and that’s what you are creating now. You two aren’t kids. You’re in your thirties. Reach for all the maturity you can find within yourself and be loving to this guy you say you love. In time, you will have all the answers you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Mom Is Cheating…What Do I Do?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Canada: Hi, I know that my mother is cheating on my dad. A few months ago, my sister heard on the phone with another man. The way she spoke to him was an immediate red flag. My sister told me and I believed her. However, my mom denied it and called us both liars.

I feel like now is a good time to mention that my mother has been mentally and emotionally abusive towards all of us in the past and present, and physically abusive towards me in the past.

We let it go as we were sick of being called liars. Until recently, I have noticed that she will quickly leave the room when her cell phone rings and have hushed conversations on the phone. However, I have heard some of these conversations where she is telling someone that she loves them, calling them baby, etc. I have also found a Facebook page that she had liked and it is for single people. One man has also made a comment on one of her Facebook photos, calling her gorgeous and baby. In addition to this, I have noticed that she downloaded the Tinder app on her phone. When I asked her about it, she lied and said it was an app to look at clothing. Lastly, today, I was home with her. She went into the basement and I just so happened to go into the kitchen when she was on the phone. I heard her having phone s*x with this man, and I recorded it for proof. I believe that having proof is important in case this ever comes up again. This way, she cannot call my sister and I liars.

As for my dad, he is a great man. I have always been a daddy’s girl and not being able to talk to him about this is killing me. He has mentioned that he believes she is cheating. Although now that I have proof, I do not know how to deal with this. I have spoken with my sister about it, although she doesn’t know what to do either.

What should I do? How should I be feeling right now? Please help me. Thank you.

I get far too many letters like this one. The situation is awful for the kids involved. You shouldn’t be playing detective. It’s not your place to get involved with your parents’ relationship. But I do understand that you love your dad and don’t want to see him hurt. He already has suspicions, but he isn’t pursuing them. That leaves you wondering if he wants to know.

You have at least two choices: You could decide to ignore the situation and leave it to your folks to work out their problems. Your mother isn’t being subtle. Your dad will eventually catch on if he wants to.

Or — you could tell your mother what you know and let her know that she can tell your dad herself or you (and perhaps your sister) will tell him. I’m sure this won’t go over well but if is an option if you feel you can’t stand keeping silent. She has already shown you how she will respond. Be prepared for more of the same.

I can’t tell you what is best. You know the situation. You know your parents.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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Is My Marriage Worth Saving?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’m married to a man who has locked me out of the house at least 8 times. I was packing my things, he threw an object out the door in my direction and I had to get 4 stitches. He said he just threw it and wasn’t aiming. He has called me horrible names. He easily and quickly gets mad, cusses, and likes to belittle. He never accepts responsibility for anything. He used to be a drunk until he was arrested for DUI. Now, he doesn’t drink as much, but is still emotionally abusive.

I’m his 3rd wife. He cheated on his 1st wife before they got married, but she cheated on him after. I wonder if this is where all his hatred started. I would think infidelity would cause lots of hatred and mistrust. He said they didn’t have sex on their wedding night because she was being a bitch. There must’ve been bad blood before they even got married. He described his marriage to his 2nd wife as them throwing things, locking her out, her pushing him down stairs, him punching walls, her leaving him stranded so he had to walk home in the rain for 2 hours but that he deserved it. That wife died of cancer. So, I’m not the only wife he’s used as an emotional punching bag. I can’t help but think all this hatred started in the 1st marriage. That wife was probably in deep hatred of him for cheating on her, and he’s just continued on with that way of dealing with his marriages.

I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer already set up. I guess I’m just trying to figure out if I’m doing the right thing. I just want some peace back in my life. If I was happier before being married to this man, why would I even stay married to him? I left once before. We weren’t even married for a year at that point. If I ever leave again, it will be done legally and not just a trial separation. I’m 55 years old and I’m getting too old for this kind of stress in my life. I feel like I have PTSD.

To be honest, I don’t deal with his poor treatment of me very well. Is this marriage worth saving, or should I make sure I keep my appointment with the lawyer? Thank you.

Absolutely keep the appointment with the lawyer. Your husband is a repeat offender. He apparently hasn’t learned a thing from two prior failed marriages.

I doubt this all started due to his first wife’s infidelity. As you pointed out, there was probably something wrong in that relationship already. Frankly, it doesn’t matter where it started. He has continued his abusive behavior with each wife.

There must be something charming about your husband on the surface at least. He has convinced 3 women to marry him. But please don’t be distracted by his charms. The real guy is the angry guy who calls you names and is generally emotionally abusive. Love isn’t like that. No one should be treated that way.

Get out of this marriage and make it possible to find someone who will love you and cherish you as you deserve.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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My Boyfriend Hates My Girlfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Because of their past history my boyfriend doesn’t want me to be friends with her. My boyfriend and I got back together the first of March after being apart for 5 years. I moved in with him May 1st completely. I visited my daughter for a week each time in May and June. June 11th I was introduced to one of his female friends, at that time I asked him if he had slept with her, or a co-worker, he said no. I left it at that. I have only been in Wa. a few months and did not have any friends at all, so this friend of his and I started hanging out, going shopping, garage sales, things like that. We have become very good friends, and she had not been communicating with him much at all. I would only go do things with her during his work hours, so I would not loss any time with him. In the past month or so he has become very angry that I hang out with her, we got into a couple big fights about her. A lot has to do with her lifestyle being sketchy, to say the least. At first I couldn’t go to her house or her mothers house. Then it escalated to he did not want me to see her at all. I got really angry and said to him you cant tell me who I can or can not be friends with. Ended up in a huge fight, I decided that my love for him is more important then her friendship. I told him I would not see her again. I text her and explained to her that I wasn’t going to be her friend anymore. In retaliation she sent me a text about the 2 of them sleeping together, along with a text he had sent to her. I instantly got angry and confronted him about his lying to me. He said it was before we got back together, I accepted his answer once again. The next day I read the texts on her phone and was shocked he slept with her just before I moved here and when I left in May, and tried in June. She is the only person I have to communicate with besides my boyfriend and dont want to loss her, but he gets so angry when she is brought up. I don’t know what to do I am torn, should I hide her or not?

Thanks for sending in your email. It may be time to step back from this situation and ask yourself what is important to you. First and foremost you have a boyfriend who has consistently lied to you — and tried to control you. Secondly, you have a girlfriend who didn’t reveal her relationship history until it was used to hurt you.

Are these the kind of people you want in your life?

The first thing you want to ask yourself is if your boyfriend is worth all the trouble he caused by not telling you the truth in the first place. If you do, then it is time for couples counseling. This kind of thing tends not to get better over time on its own. Some professional help will be needed.

If you don’t think he is worth the investment then cut your losses and move on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I’m Concerned My Boyfriend Has Developed Intimate Feelings for a Female Co-Worker

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been dating a guy for the past 6 months. We met online and both live very busy lives where our careers are very important to us. He currently travels for work to another state Monday-Thursday every week. I am his first serious girlfriend and the only girlfriend he’s introduced to his parents (that don’t even live in the same state as we do). Throughout our 6-month relationship he has taken many steps to show how committed he is to me. For example, when I had received an interview for school in Colorado, he began interviewing for jobs there. For the past couple months, he’s been looking for jobs back in the city that we live in. Despite all the great things he’s done, and despite how much I know he loves me, I have severe trust/jealously issues. My last boyfriend had lied to me and was dating a “friend” while he was dating me. My first love whom I dated for 2.5 years broke up with me because he developed feelings for someone else. Needless to say, I let past experiences and my insecurities get the best of me in my current relationship. I have gotten jealous about his female friends and have admittedly over-reacted many times.
However, I have had (what I fear) legitimate reasons to be concerned about his new friendship with a female coworker. Like I said he works out of state during the week. On the phone one night, he mentioned he met a girl at work who’s parents live where his parents live and that she invited him to get together for drinks with her and her brother during Christmas. Fast forward to Christmas, after not responding to my text for hours, he tells me he and his sister were having drinks and playing games at his coworker’s parents house. I got very upset and asked if they had hung out before. He admitted that they spent two hours together ALONE on the beach two days prior. I was distraught and did not speak to him until the next day. He insists they are just friends and I have nothing to worry about. I let it go until I recently saw that they became friends on Facebook. I again got very upset with him and expressed how much it bothered me. He was hurt that I didn’t trust him despite saying time and time again that I had nothing to worry about and that she was just a friend. He isn’t friends with anyone else on Facebook from work other than her and he even works with a guy that went to the same college as him. To me, this situation does not seem right. As I have told him, I fear he has developed feelings for this person and doesn’t want to admit it to himself, let alone me. I don’t want to be with someone who has feelings for someone else and I wish he would just admit it to me if that’s the case.
My question is: Am I letting my extreme jealous nature get the best of me and I need to learn to take my boyfriend at his word? Or do I need to interpret my feelings as instinct and walk away from the relationship?

There may be another answer than these two alternatives. It is often that people will choose someone similar to a person they’ve chosen in the past. Your fears are not all illusions. He was hiding information on you, he didn’t respond back to you on Christmas, and this woman has obviously become closer to him than other relations at work.

Whether or not he has feelings for her isn’t as important as the fact that his behavior bothers you. The sending of itself is enough for the two of you to have a discussion. It isn’t an all or nothing situation. You want him to know that his secret-keeping, and lack of responsiveness on the holiday were, in and of themselves, not OK. Stick with the facts. This isn’t a matter of trust as much as it is a matter of lying through omission. When he’s been with her—he’s not been truthful with you about it.

That doesn’t mean you have to bolt on the relationship. But it does mean you need to be clear about what is and is not okay with you. If he knows you have an issue with jealousy, then he’ll need to learn the behaviors that activate it.

Have a discussion, and if you feel you need some help you can find a therapist nearby at the ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page, or perhaps from this organization.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Wife’s Overspending Causing Marital Stress

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a soldier who is currently deployed. My wife who is home with our 2 children spends all of our money.
I don’t know what to do with my life, my relationship and family. My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. She is five years younger than I. We have two children. One is about to go through a major surgery for his feet.

She constantly spends all of the money she is given. I pay all of the bills. Which isn’t very much at all. Except I can’t save any money because she spends it all and makes me feel guilty if I don’t give her more. She doesn’t have a job. She doesn’t even have a high school diploma. So a good job for her is out of the question. My son’s surgery is hindering her from getting at least a part time job.

This is my second deployment and I actually extended to do this tour for the insurance. I had hoped to save a lot of money so that when I got out and went home I would be ok for a while. But it doesn’t seem like I will ever be able to do so. We fight all the time. I am always the bad guy. We also have issues with infidelity. I have cheated on her and she on me. It is a love hate relationship. We constantly fight and then make up. But I don’t think I can do it anymore. Please help me. This is just the beginning of my issues.

You’re right. The fight over money is only a part of a much larger issue that you two aren’t addressing. You two haven’t figured out how to be a team. Look at all you two are dealing with: Your son needs surgery. Your wife, in truth, can’t work if she is to take care of your son. You have money stress. You are far from home which leaves the daily decisions and child-rearing to a woman who sounds overwhelmed. A sick or injured child stresses even the best of relationships, never mind a relationship that is already in trouble.

I have no idea what the reality of your financial situation is so I can’t really be helpful there. It could be that your wife is being irresponsible. It could be that she is using shopping as a way to comfort herself. It could also be that you don’t have a realistic idea about how much money it takes to run your family. I do know that fighting over money is distracting both of you from far more scary and serious issues — like fidelity, your child’s medical issues, parenting, and managing the stress of deployment.

You two need serious help. The central issue is how to become a team so you can be the kind of parents your children deserve to have. Stop fighting and start talking. Really talking. Put aside the blame game. You’re both at fault. Get some help learning how to communicate and how to deal with differences of opinion without being destructive. If you aren’t getting home soon, see if your wife can arrange for a therapist to work with the two of you via Skype. Encourage her to see a therapist — not because she is the crazy one but because she can more easily get that kind of support. Meanwhile, see your chaplain about what kind of help you can get wherever you are.

Even more important than putting cash in the bank is investing in your relationship. Whether or not you two make a good marriage, you will both be parenting your children for many, many years. Creating a good working relationship now will make that go well for everyone.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend Cheated with His Friend, Now He Doesn’t Want to Stop Being Friends With

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years. He has a female friend that I knew about but never worried about due to how he would explain their relationship. He said he don’t like her; she was an ex at one point but it ended wrong they became friends. Nothing more nothing less. I found out last year that they have been having sexual encounters via phone and video chats like Skype and snap chat. He said she stopped after last year which means it was going on almost 2 years. We talked he promised to leave her alone. I found out last week they don’t talk on the regular but she’s still his friend. I asked if he would end their friendship because I’m not comfortable with it and lhe said no whether I like it or not she is going to be his friend. Says I’m crazy and over reacting because she’s only a friend, not a threat and he don’t want her. I heard this the last time. So I broke up with him. Am I wrong for how I feel about their friendship?

I do not believe that you are wrong for how you feel about their “friendship.” The proof is that he had been cheating on you with her. That was your concern and you were right to be concerned. She was not a “friend.” That was a lie. She was effectively his lover.

He may have kept the relationship going with her because he was attracted to her and thought that he could resume a sexual relationship with her in the future. Or they had been having a sexual relationship all along. Nothing about their relationship would classify it as a friendship.

Typically, friendships don’t involve sexual relations. Once it does, it moves out of the realm of friendship and into something else such as “friends with benefits,” which is a euphemism for having casual sex with someone without a commitment.

I am also curious about how you learned that they were having sexual encounters via the phone and Internet. When you did find out, it seems as though you immediately spoke to him about it. You were right to ask him to “leave her alone.” Many people, at that point, would have ended the relationship. Asking him to stop wouldn’t have been an option for many people.

A concerning aspect of the relationship was when you expressed how uncomfortable you were with their continued “friendship” he, in no uncertain terms, refused to end it. He outright refused to end his “friendship” with her no matter how it made you feel. In other words, it didn’t matter that you disapproved of his having a relationship with someone whom you knew he had been cheating on you with. He didn’t care. He cared more about continuing his friendship with her than he did in continuing his relationship with you. He made a choice and it wasn’t you.

In addition, he then accused you of overreacting, claiming she wasn’t a threat and that he didn’t want her, all statements that you now know to be untrue. He was doing what he wanted to do and you had to simply live with it if you wanted to continue dating him. Perhaps that would have been the best time to end the relationship. The fact that he chose her over you was a sign that he didn’t seem like a match for you.

It seems like ending the relationship was the right thing to do. He was cheating on you and unwilling to give up his “friend.” What you wanted mattered less to him than what he wanted or what his ex-lover wanted. In relationships, equality is important. Whenever there is an imbalance, that is a problem. Hopefully, you’ll find someone who is worthy of you. Good luck in your search. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Got Tricked into Sex Work, Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been in a relationship with my best friend for five years. We are a great fit in all ways, but he frequently questions my integrity and his self-worth.
A few years ago, I took a high paying job as a personal assistant. We were living in a bad neighborhood and I jumped at the opportunity to make more money- without questioning the logistics. It ended up being a personal assistant to a pimp, arranging dates, managing money, and sending out ads for the girls. We talked about what my job would entail, and he was not happy with it, but agreed that we needed the money and it wouldn’t be forever.
A few months after I started, my boss forced me to do something not in my job description. In the situation, I feared for my life, so I obliged.
I didn’t show up for my shift the next day, hoping it would all just go away and I could find a different job quickly. I started receiving threatening phone calls. My boss demanded all the money he had paid me back ($20,000). He had a copy of my ID and social from the hiring process. He made it very clear that my life was in his hands.
I worked as a sex worker for a year and a half to pay him back in full. During that time, my boyfriend found out about it and understandably flipped out. Our marriage plans went out the window, I was forced out of our friend group, and was left to deal with the aftermath alone.
That was two years ago, and we are in a much better place now. But for him, marriage still isn’t on the table and his friends haven’t welcomed me back. He says that he often blames himself for not figuring it out sooner, and blames me for not coming to him for help. I try to explain to him that I was scared to involve anyone else for fear of what would happen to them, but he just doesn’t understand why I didn’t go to the cops. I’m afraid this occurrence will always be a stain on my relationship resume with him, and that he will only see his pain of feeling betrayed and cheated on, when that was not my intention. Can we work towards forgiveness? Or am I wasting my time? (From the USA)

There are several layers here, and I am very appreciative of your courage and resilience in discussing the issues. What is clear is that this isn’t a situation you alone got yourself into. Your boyfriend was very much part of the process and dynamics that got you into the dilemma in the first place. This wasn’t something you did on your own to benefit yourself.

There are three important questions here that you need to answer for yourself. First, is marriage what you want? Are you looking for that in your life at this time or is this relationship good enough for now. In other words, does the relationship you have with your boyfriend meet enough of your needs for now. If marriage is no longer a big deal for you then this might be okay enough.

Does your boyfriend’s unforgiveness knock him out of the running for a good long term partner? If you do want to get married does it feel as if your partner won’t be able to get over this? If marriage is what you want then let him know this in no uncertain terms. If he can’t forgive you and will hold resentment toward you then it is not worth going forward. He may feel that if he forgives you that he will lose his friends, or that he is settling rather than working through. But if he can’t get past this and you want to get married then you’ll have to let him know the relationship can’t go forward. In these terms, he can’t give you what you want and need.

Finally, I’d encourage you both to read this book Forgive For Good, and find a workshop specifically focused on forgiveness. In addition, you may want to find a couple’s counselor who can help the two of you work together on this.

There are two elements of forgiveness. There is forgiveness of the other and unforgiveness. The unforgiveness has little to do with the situation or another person. It has to do with the feelings you have that negatively ruminate about the situation. People can be unforgiving about someone who has passed on — or a situation that is long since dissolved but the bitterness remains.

Perhaps is a good place to start because your unforgiveness of yourself and your boyfriends lack of concern for you during that time may be beneath the whole situation. One way to break this cycle of unforgiveness is with self-compassion. As it’s essence self-compassion is being able to treat yourself like a good friend would treat you. Nurturing yourself in this way can ease the discomfort of the past — while setting the stage for not only being more tolerant of yourself and your boyfriend. Obviously, this works best when both of you work at this level.

Here is a brief video on self-compassion you may find interesting to help you connect with that part of yours or that needs nurturing.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Wife Connects with Men Online

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My wife continues to connect with men online but says she does it to bring back passion into our relationship. My wife and I are high school sweethearts and have been together for 30 years (married for 20). Sex has never been very important to her and we are intimate a dozen or less times a year. We deeply care for each other and I have suppressed my own sexual needs to accommodate her lower desire. We have two children and over the last several years have lost a bit of our connection. I have found my wife connecting with other men on social websites and engaging in flirtatious messaging that turns into sexual chatting and even phone conversations six times over the last couple of years. I have confronted her each time I have found out and she says it is innocent and would never turn physical and that she only wants to bring passion back into our relationship. These relationships are emotional affairs in my opinion and hurt very deeply and make it hard for me to trust and connect with my wife. I have also not witnessed her bringing any passion back to me.

We have tried working with two different MFT’s and both times my wife clams up and feels attacked and gets defensive. I have worked on myself with a therapist for a couple of years and I am trying to improve my communications. When I take responsibility for my part of our problems, she very easily shifts the focus on me for everything.

I just recently discovered that she is connecting with another man online again and I am at the end of my rope. I am tired of being lied to and deceived. Her false promises to truly work on our relationship are harder to believe, but I still lover her and I want to work things out for us and our kids sake. I am just not sure she can or will focus on our relationship. She tells me she loves me, but that something is missing for her and she can’t put her finger on it.

I have suggested going to sex therapist together to work on our intimate relationship and connection, but I am afraid it will be a waste of time again. I desperately want to see my wife be a proactive partner in repairing our relationship, but I am not sure she can or will.

I am not sure how to go forward, any suggestions?

Thank you for your email. The emotional affairs your wife is engaged in involves systematic betrayal. Although you’ve tried to address the problem correctly, she continues to undermine the relationship and has failed to take adequate responsibility. It is important not to minimize this ongoing betrayal. Clearly, she is not giving your relationship the priority it deserves. It is probably time to move on from a marriage and family therapist — to a divorce mediator.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Will This Relationship Work?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Tonight my boyfriend of five years told me that he cheated on me (protected) last week while drunk at a party with a girl he dosn’t know. About two years ago he slept with another female during a brief break up and contracted and eventually gave me a STD, I broke up with him then. At the time he was about 18 and I about 16. About a year and a half ago I decided to give the relationship another chance in hopes that he had matured enough for this commitment. This past year and a half has been amazing, we handle all problems like adults and are able to compromise and he had ultimately gained my trust back. This recent infidelity has come as a complete shock to me. Our relationship seemed to be at its best and I was considering marriage as the next step. I am now completely devastated and I just don’t know what to do. He is BEYOND remorseful and has been begging for me to stay offering to do anything. Everyone I talk to claims “men cheat” and that what he did, while wrong and inexcusable, shouldn’t be ground for break up. I know more detail is needed for a complete response but to sum it up I have been with him (solely) since I was 14, now 18 and in college (& a little mature for my age)with our relationship/love being SO strong plans on moving together to our own place and marriage were in the making. I know how sorry he is and I am sure he really will do w.e. it takes to get me back, I just don’t know if I should. I am so hurt and I feel like it may be more hurt to leave that stay. I feel like I found something good and I wish he didn’t put me in this position. I am beginning to consider couples counseling? Please help!!!

Couples counseling is a great idea. However great your relationship is, your boyfriend has twice acted in a way that pulls you two back from a permanent commitment. He needs to take a serious look at just why he has done that. You need to take it seriously too. It could well be that he isn’t as ready to take the next steps toward a life together that you are but isn’t able or willing to face it to himself or to you.

It’s not incompatible for him to care for you a good deal and still not be ready. You two have been together through your teen years and have no experience with other people. There may be a part of him that wonders what he’s missing if he slips right into marriage.

It’s wise to think about couples counseling. A skilled counselor will help the two of you bring any doubts or fears to the surface so you can deal with them directly instead of by creating a crisis. You will deepen your understanding of yourselves and each other and you will improve your communication.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Cheating

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Recently, a few months ago, found out my dad was a cheat. It was shocking cause he’s such a religious man I never thought it could happen. But our family dynamics were already weird he moved when I was 3 so never really had a relationship anyway. It really hit my mum I guess as her parents had both died within the last year and she took it hard and i feel like she got quite sad. It was already tense that he didn’t want to go to the funeral, due to different religions. Then she found out about a month after her dad died that he was cheating. I was the one that discovered it by text anyway and I told her. Everything’s been a mess now and she’s changed so much. We used to be relatively close and in the first few months she was just always angry at me or crying because of him and since my brothers went to university it’s just been me and her. It feels like she’s so codependent on me and I can’t turn her away cause she’s my mum and that’s not me but it’s hard because I can barely deal with my own problems (depression). Now although it’s been a few months it just feels horrible all she’ll talk about is that other woman, whom she just follows around on social media and my dad. Everyone’s told her to just leave him but she won’t say that people told her it’ll affect us, but it really won’t it’d just be better really. She doesn’t think about what I want anymore just what she thinks or people tell her. She’s always on the phone to other people, got a massive extended family and it’s too the point where I’m just ignored and neglected, despite me making time for her. I feel like she doesn’t even love me anymore. Sometimes she’s say sorry so she knows she ignores me. It’s hard it’s my gcse year and this mess has just made my already bad mental health worse. I feel bad because life’s been hard for her since she’s essentially got with him, she got ill after pregnancy and poor financial decisions have moved her from the middle class to poor. I don’t want her, she’s 50, to be alone and sad. How will I ever have my own life leaving her alone? (From the UK)

I am so very sorry that you are, at 16, having to deal with all of this difficulty in your family. You are definitely in a difficult spot. This is a time when you should be being guided by your mother instead of having to be worried about her.

I’ll encourage you to talk to a counselor at your school. He or she will be able to help guide you in dealing with your mom and can maybe suggest psychological services she can obtain. You need help in dealing with her needs and yours—and your school is a good place to start.

You may also want to contact a behavioral health center near you. These are typically located in a local hospital or woman’s center. They are familiar with helping families and can help you and your mom get the help you need.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Wonder if My Wife Has a Personality Disorder and if It Has Contributed to Infidelity

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My wife and I have been together since high school. I love her. We have created so many special memories. We now have two sons. However, in many ways being with her has taken a toll me. I am aware of new information and behaviors that have me worried.

Throughout our relationship, she has always been too flirty with other guys. She has also always been a people pleaser and attention seeker. For the first several years in our relationship, and right after we got married, I would have to point things out to her to keep her in check. Still, I did not imagine she would fully cross the line and have an actual affair.

Several years ago I got skeptical. I didn’t have real proof of anything, besides her being overly protective of her phone and spending way too much time reading really graphic erotic romance novels. I also noticed Facebook messages left up on the computer. They were with other men and heavily flirtatious. I questioned her if she was having an affair. She was upset but swore that she was not and never would. She was embarrassed when I asked about the novels and the Facebook flirting, but said I was over exaggerating.

Well, recently she decided to tell me she kissed a coworker shortly before our wedding. I wanted an explanation. She said they were just friends and it was an accidental quick kiss. However, she has continued to tell me other versions.

Most recently she said that the kiss was much more sensual in nature and that after he quit working with her they texted back and forth for months. I am hurt by the betrayal, but also creeped out because things seemed so perfect when that was supposedly going on. There were no red flags. Plus, she cannot even explain why she did what she did.

I am now worried that she was, in fact, having an affair during the time when things did seem off. She swears up and down she was not. My gut tells me that something is not right. I want to live in the present and enjoy life, but wondering what she did makes me worry about the future. She seems to align with the criteria for histrionic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. I know she was sexually abused growing up. What should I do?

Labeling her behavior, if she is histrionic or borderline, doesn’t change the reality of her lying and disrespect of your feelings. Whatever you want to call it, whether it is a full-blown personality disorder or elements of one, the pain and sense of betrayal is the same.

Trust yourself. If you feel something is off, trust that feeling more than what your wife is telling you. It sounds like she doesn’t know herself very well as she denies the impact her behavior has on you and your family. She might not be the best source to confirm your suspicions. Looking for a diagnosis to explain her behavior is very understandable, but it doesn’t necessarily do much more than giving a name for what is happening, even if it is accurate.

There are several things I would recommend. First and foremost take ownership of what you are feeling. You have a profound sense that something isn’t right — and it isn’t. Realize that your discomfort and concern is enough to declare the marriage is in trouble. You do not need your wife’s confirmation. Her behavior is unacceptable because it makes you feel uncomfortable. s confirmation. You are uncomfortable because her behavior has become unacceptable. This is yours alone to validate. Don’t look for her to give you permission to be upset.

Secondly, seek personal therapy for yourself for this realization and these feelings. When this type of thing happens the spouse that has to declare the marriage unsuitable needs support from an outside source. Do not burden extended family members with your concerns as this will tint their perception of your wife and if the marriage gets back on even footing any you and she have recovered — the family may not be as ready. Share your concerns with a therapist that can help you sort through your feelings and thoughts.

When you are ready to confront your wife decide if it is something you want help with through a marriage and family counselor, or if you will need to do this on your own. If your wife is unwilling to go with you to a couples counselor then this confrontation may have to be one-on-one. I recommend if it is with a counselor that you ask your wife to come with you because you think the two of you need the help of a professional. If she is unwilling have your conversation in a public place without the children present. This is not a conversation to take on in the privacy of your home with the children’s home. Using public space as a type of container for a difficult conversation is one way to help keep the discussion civil. At home, the familiar space may create a too comfortable environment for excessive feelings.

Be clear about what isn’t okay without it being an attack. This isn’t a character assassination. It is time for you to discuss your disappointment, pain, confusion, and discomfort. This is more about you than it is about her. During these times the key is to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. “I’m uncomfortable with the way I feel;” I don’t feel good about our marriage;” “I’ve lost my ability to trust.” Are ways to keep the issue on your side of the fence. Blaming your wife isn’t the goal — helping her understand that you are taking action in dealing with your feelings is.

Next, this isn’t something that you try to fix for her. This is hers to deal with — or not. Explain what you are willing and not willing to do. As an example, you might say you are willing to go to couple’s therapy, but you are no longer willing to ignore your feelings about this issue. Do not set ultimatums at this point. Statements like: “If you don’t go to therapy I’m going to divorce you,” doesn’t help very much. “I love you and I want to figure this out, but I can’t take care of my feelings and yours.” Give a more balanced sense of the truth — without saying if this — then that.

Finally, keep in mind that whatever is going on for your wife is — at the very least — on a different timeline than yours. You have been dealing with your disappointment, anguish, and uncertainty for a long while before this comes to the surface. For your wife, she has been living in a different awareness. She may be in denial, she may be suffering from a personality disorder, she may be doing things deceitfully, but whatever her state of mind is she is not on the same timeline as you are with being confronted with this issue. Give her time to adjust and be clear about what is true for you and what isn’t. Saying things like:” I don’t know what it means for our marriage, but I do know that something has to change for me.” Is a truth that lets your wife know this is serious and you are taking a stand for yourself. What happens next largely will depend on her ability to hear you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

 

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Extreme Jealousy Could Indicate Delusional Disorder

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My boyfriend has periods when he gets insecure and jealous that he becomes very different and thinks there is a secret among the rest of the world that he isn’t included in regarding hooking up. He also sees words as code. He’ll look at my email spam and for instance if the word is Float, he thinks each letter stands for another word.

It all relates to dating, love and cheating. His wife cheated on him alot. He will be up for days talking to me and he’ll think that what I’m saying means something else and that I really am like everyone else and he just doesn’t know the right code to be “in” on the secret world. During these episodes, he can also rationalize that he’s probably being crazy and that he’s sorry. He’s calm and quiet during these times. He says he sees the codes in words/letters all the time, not just when he’s “trippin” as he calls it.

I’m worried about him and our family. He’s a happy person otherwise. This usually happens when we have an arguement and he leaves, he thinks I’m with someone else while he’s gone or that I purposefully started an arguement so I could be with someone else. He knows I’m completely faithful. I’ve even had him video call me while he’s gone and I cooperate fully…but he thinks whoever I’m with is in on it and hiding…etc. I am wondering where to even begin researching what this could be and how to help. I talk and talk to him and eventually he decides that maybe there isn’t a secret world…if I am telling him there isn’t.

It is possible that your boyfriend may be experiencing delusional disorder but only an in-person, psychiatric evaluation could confirm that diagnosis. Two possible signs of the disorder include his belief that words, as “codes”, have a hidden meaning and his paranoia with regard to you cheating. The fact that he had an ex-wife who cheated may make him hypersensitive to the possibility of cheating but his intense focus on your alleged infidelity is unusual.

Delusional disorder is a type of mental illness that involves psychosis. Psychosis is a break with reality. Psychosis involves the inability to distinguish what is real from what is not real. A delusion is the belief that something is real, despite evidence to the contrary.

Individuals with delusional disorders experience “non-bizarre delusions.” An example of a non-bizarre delusion is the belief that someone is being poisoned, followed, conspired against, or admired from a distance. There are six main types of delusions associated with delusional disorders. Jealous is one of them. Individuals experiencing a jealous type of delusion believe that their partner or spouse is cheating in the absence of evidence to support their belief.

If your partner is willing, he should undergo a psychiatric evaluation by a mental health professional. With regard to psychotic disorders, treatment is particularly important because generally, delusions do not go away on their own. They can become worse in frequency and in intensity. Medication could reduce or eliminate his delusions. It may not be easy to convince him to see a mental health professional but it would be in his best interest.

Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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What Do I Do about Cheating Mother?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Mexico: I know this question has been asked a lot, but I still need help. My mother has been calling and texting this Doctor. I noticed because one day I entered her text messages since she asked me to send some picture to a friend. When I did, I saw a conversation with only the phone number that said “HI Love”. I got freaked out but didn’t tell her about it.

We arrived home, and as evidence I took a picture of the chat with my phone. I had seen her talk to him but it was medical issues, he was my grandfather’s doctor before he passed away back in August. But now? She has nothing to do with him.

I tried convincing myself it was a mistake, but I well knew it wasn’t. A week later, his Facebook page appeared on my home screen, like magic. I swear I have not been playing detective, all this things just pop out of nowhere. His phone number was quick to memorize.

So one day I noticed she was texting the number and I began to keep track. Since then, I have seen her text him twice. But today, we were in the car and her phone rang, she picked it up and said it was a wrong number. Her calls appear on the screen our car has. And guess what? It was his number.

I need to know what to do. I mean I am brave enough to confront her, I even printed out all of the evidence I have from her. I think I am being too mean, but then again, I can’t continue watching her cheat on my father. He is such a kind man who wants nothing but my family’s happiness.

Can you please tell me how to approach this situation a bit more calmly? I can’t deal with it no more.

Thank you for the advice.

I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this difficult situation. A kid should not have to carry this kind of information. It is affecting your relationship with both of your parents. It is probably causing you a great deal of anxiety.

The best thing to do is to have a talk with your mother. I’m glad that you are feeling brave enough. I do suggest that instead of “confronting” her with anger, you simply tell her what you have noticed and ask her what it all means. Tell her you love her and that these incidents are very confusing and scary for you. Share your concerns about your dad and your family. Ask her what she is going to tell your dad. Then leave it to the two of them (your mom and dad) to work out their relationship. Even if they are having problems with each other, they can still be loving and good parents for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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MSW Wife Crossed Boundaries with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am an alcoholic. I sought treatment in a residential treatment center in 2008. While in treatment my therapist and I entered into a personal and sexual relationship. This continued after my stay and she offered to move me into her home. After about 1 year she had employment issues and lost her job. I was able and strong enough to find a professional job that could support us, but it was out of state. She at this time proposed we marry and have a long distance marriage. The last 3 years we have been living back together and she has worked at 2 different hospitals. I have always had passing feelings that our marriage and entire life was all just a cover up for her actions to protect her reputation. She leads a completely different life and personality away from home. I also have had feelings of numerous extra marital affairs on her part but could never catch her. She is very manipulative and cunning. I finally caught her in an affair with a technician at her last hospital.

I do not want this to be revenge but I feel like the whole last 7 years of life has been a lie and fake just so she could keep her secrets. If I bring this to light to her current and former employers, and the state board of social work, will they take me seriously or just think I am bitter about the cheating. I now am thinking clearly and can recount many incidents of just how delusional she is and confused I was. At the least to me her behavior was unethical, unprofessional, and she should not be allowed to do it again without seeking help. She is again trying to manipulate me into thinking this was all my fault and we should just move on? I am clear enough to know that is not happening. I believe she has manipulated other patients, coworkers, and family members before and will do it again. No one should be subjected to what she did to me. I can verify all this obviously and the current affair can also be verified. Should I report her or just get on with my life?

It’s important to ask yourself this question: What is your motivation for wanting to report her? Is it revenge? I think that is a distinct possibility. You might be angry about her infidelity and abuse, and this is your way of paying her back.

She was just as unethical before you caught her cheating and before you married her, but now you want to report her. You didn’t turn her in before you caught her cheating, but now you want to. It was just as right to turn her in before you caught her being unfaithful as it is right now. Turning her in should have nothing to do with her infidelity. If you do turn her in, it should be for the good of the social work profession and not as a punishment for her infidelity.

You asked the question “should I report her or just get on with my life?” There is not an easy answer to your question. It is not that simple. This is a complicated matter involving your marriage, your life and your well-being. The most important question is your marriage. Should it be saved? Can it be saved? Counseling can help you greatly, to answer these questions. Congratulations on your sobriety and I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Meeting ‘True Love’ While Married

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I have been in an unhappy marriage for five years, since our daughter was born to be exact. Although she makes me feel so lucky and a very happy mom, my husband and I seemed to agree to be a team and work together for the sake of her happiness. I always thought that doesn’t matter how difficult our relationship gets, I would never leave him because I don’t want our daughter to grow up with divorced parents. I promised this to myself, until I met “The One”.

We made eye contact, and there is an electricity when we are close together. It feels as if I’ve know him forever, like an old friend that I can be myself with. I can’t do that with my husband, I have to watch my words, my attitude and to not say something that he disagrees with, he often disagrees on everything I say. Walking on eggshells. He’s not romantic, or loving, or sensitive, he thinks when I cry I’m just being childish. He has said things that have hurt me a lot and that I will never forget. But I have tried, time and time again to be the “happy family”, it’s been hard but people seemed to think we are alright, that means no problems.

My parents have been married for over 40 years, I wanted that so bad. But I don’t see my husband and I being like them, always loving with each other for many more years. We plan sex, we have weird hugs, we rarely kiss. We’re together for our daughter, and our pride.

I have always try to be honest and be forward on my feeling, it’s been a few months now that “The One” has been trying to win me over, he knows I’m married and kinda respects that, he is divorced and also has a daughter that is a year older than my own. He has shared how much he would like them to play together. He is so loving, and sensitive and most of all, a positive person that always reaches for happiness. My mentality has made a complete turn. Why should I sacrifice my happiness? Don’t I deserve true love? Why should I live with someone that makes me feel bad about myself? Should I tell my husband? Should I end my marriage?

I don’t want my daughter to suffer. Please help!

 I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you that using “The One” to crowbar yourself out of your marriage is a mistake. Moving from one relationship to another without taking the time to heal generally results in repeating some version of the same situation. You need to take the time to make sense of why you were drawn into such an unloving marriage and to learn new ways to be in a relationship.

If you want to leave your marriage, leave it for all the reasons you gave in your letter. Those are the reasons that matter — not the entrance of the new guy — and those are the reasons you should give your husband if you decide to separate. Neither of you should be distracted from those realities by focusing on “The One.” You should be talking about why your relationship is failing.

Frankly, I don’t believe in anyone being “The One.” I think you are drawn to this guy because he is such a contrast to the man you are with, and he offers you a way out.

If “The One” truly loves you, he will give you a year to recover from the marriage, to find your own identity outside of that relationship and to look at him clearly (without the stardust of being favorably contrasted with your husband).

I sympathize with your desire to give your daughter a positive model for adult love. I understand why you want to give her the kind of stable upbringing you had. But it’s also important to consider whether the environment you and your husband have created for her is the healthiest.

Fortunately, you and your daughter’s father do know how to be a solid parenting team. That shouldn’t change if you divorce. He should stay in her life.

You and your daughter are both young. If you do divorce, you have plenty of time to recover and to find new love. You have plenty of time to work on making the kind of family you’ve always wanted.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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Deep Attraction Towards My Sister-in-Law

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From India: I am married for over two decades. My wife’s elder sister is also married and is around a year older than I am. She stays in another city and visits her parents every year, or two, as my in-laws also stay in the same city as ours. Though not until many years after my marriage but, over the years, I have become very fond of her. I find her very beautiful, very charming and full of virtues, so much so that I cannot keep my eyes off her when we meet. I am obsessed with her emotionally and miss her presence for weeks and months after she returns to her city. Her departure always leaves a big void in my life and I keep thinking about her long after she is gone. My wife is the only emotional support I have and she is very caring and full of virtues, too. I love her a lot. However, I often strongly feel like opening my heart out to my S-i-L but am afraid that all hell would then break loose because my S-i-L is a woman of great character and cannot even think of reciprocating such feelings towards me. Nevertheless, I feel sometimes that if I confide in her then, maybe, she might keep this as a secret between the two of us as its divulgence shall ruin her sister’s marriage. I realize that my conduct is unbecoming of a husband and also immoral but I feel completely gripped by her thoughts. What is your advice?

However charming and beautiful she is, your sister-in-law is not available. To tell her your feelings would damage your relationship with her and your relationship with your wife. It could even damage the relationship between the sisters and your relationship with the entire family. Even if your S-I-L kept your secret, this would be so. She could not look at you without knowing that you are betraying her sister.

But you know this. In spite of knowing it, you persist. Instead of looking deeply at yourself and why you won’t totally commit to your marriage, you distract yourself with the excitement of the forbidden. Ultimately, this will destroy the relationship with the wife you say you love.

I think you are asking the wrong question. You say you love these two women but you are not committed to either. One of my best teachers used to say that two relationships are fewer than one. Spreading your feelings over two people means that neither person gets all of you. For some people, this is a way to avoid taking the total emotional risk that is involved in really joining with another.

My advice? Get into counseling and deal with whatever it is that frightens you about really marrying your wife — all the way. Only then should you make a decision about what to say to the two women.

I wish you well.

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Why Can’t I Move on?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S: I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years. The last year of our relationship was on and off. We had a really really rough relationship simply because, he always assumed I was cheating on him. I never in the 4 years we were together cheated on him. I loved him more than I ever loved anyone in my life.

We tried for 3 years to get pregnant. We changed our diet, I quit smoking, we tried some natural remedies, and still…3 years and no baby.

The last year we were on and off, I kept to myself. I went on a few dates, but nothing ever manifested from them. He on the other hand, slept with a lot of females. The last time we talked was just before Christmas in 2019. A month and half went by before we finally spoke again. When we started talking, everything seemed to be going pretty good. We were flirting with each other, and even talked about possibly going on a date.

And then, he dropped the bomb on me that he got some girl pregnant in the month and 1/2 that we hadn’t talked. I was in shock and instantly heartbroken. I left work for the day because I couldn’t stop the tears from filling my heart with ache. Later that night, we talked on the phone for 3 hours and I just cried. More than I had every cried before. I felt like I was robbed of what was suppose to be MINE. It was absolutely the most worse I had ever felt. I felt shattered, and completely broken and like something died in my heart and soul.

Now, he wants us to keep “talking” and has made comments about how even though she is having his 1st, that he can still have more kids with “someone” else. (Meaning me) I’m torn. I don’t know what to do. Do I keep talking to him and see where this goes??? Or, do I take this as a sign to leave him alone and finally move on?

I keep trying to explain to him that a baby changes everything, especially because now….he has a baby mom that’s going to be in his life forever. He said he’s not involved with the girl at all anymore, that he only checks up on her for the baby. He says he’s completely single, and free to do what he wants. But, I’m having a VERY VERY HARD TIME ACCEPTING that he’s having a baby with someone else. I want to walk away but I also want to see what happens. He’s the only man that has sparked my soul in the last 5 years, and every time we stop talking, it never seems to last that long. We’re both CONSTANTLY running back to each other.

Please Please HELP ME. I’m so sad about the whole situation that tears are just casually falling out of my eyes like water from a faucet. I just feel like I put in the time and work! 4 YEARS and now someone else gets to reap my benefits? I don’t know what to do, should I forgive him in due time and see if maybe I CAN handle this or should I just walk away.

I’m sure I don’t have the whole story. This is so complicated. But my first impression on reading your letter was asking myself why you stayed with in a “rough” relationship with a guy who was constantly accusing you of cheating. Now he says he’s “totally single.” But he’s not. As you pointed out, he’s tied to a child for the rest of his life. The fact that he is uninvolved with the woman is, to me, a negative comment on his character. He does have a responsibility to her and his child. You deserve better — much better.

I do understand your pain. Dealing with infertility is one heartache after another. It’s possible you are mourning the baby you thought you would have with him more than the guy himself. I do understand your longing and grief. I also understand your disappointment and anger. But I don’t think the way to resolve this is to return to a guy like him.

I urge you to find a therapist immediately. You need more help and support than I can give you in an advice column. A therapist can hear the details and can help you come to some new understanding of just why someone who treats you so badly is the only guy “who sparked your soul.” You need support in grieving for the relationship and for the failed attempts to have a baby. And you need some guidance and support in finding the kind of guy you (and any child you have in the future) deserves.

You are still young. You have time to do your therapeutic work and to find the right man to love and with whom to have a family.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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