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Very Insecure About Myself

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

In fact, I am insecure about almost everything. I can’t help but compare myself to other girls and I feel really ugly and fat. I never liked the way I looked or how my body shape is like. Whenever I see these really pretty girls, I feel horrible and jealous and I start wishing I was like them. Even though I’m not the skinniest girl, I know that I’m not fat but I can’t help but compare myself to other people. People say I’m beautiful and all that but I just don’t believe it. I would constantly look at myself at the mirror and I became more self-conscious. I started dieting a year ago and I continued starving myself so that I could be “thin” but I then realized that it wasn’t worth it and I worked hard to have a reasonably healthy body. However, I’m still insecure about my body and I admit that I still have trouble taking the right amount of food during lunch time. I’m also very insecure about how talented and intelligent other people are. Whenever I see my friends do better than me, I always put myself down by believing that I’m a failure and no matter how hard I try, I won’t be as good as them. Honestly, I try my very best to get really good grades but I always end up being disappointed with my results. For my first semester report, I got a total of 54/70. I know that it isn’t a bad score but when my best friend told me she got 61/70, I felt really dumb. I’m also very insecure about my ex boyfriend who I have very strong feelings for. I was his first girlfriend and he was my first boyfriend, so it was kind of special. I really don’t want to lose him. I’m scared about every possible things that would happen between us in the future. I’ve had constant mood swings after he sent me a message which shattered my heart into a billion pieces (this was in July). I kept feeling as if I was worthless and I felt really bad about myself. These mood swings won’t go away no matter how hard I try and I always end up feeling anxious/stressed/depressed whenever my insecurities and that day (when my ex sent me that message) come into my mind. I’m trying to change myself for the better now but I desperately need your help. I haven’t shared this with my parents because I have trouble opening up with them and I haven’t shared this with my friends. I admit that I cut myself when my ex boyfriend sent me that message and the reason I did this was that I thought it would be a distraction. I was wrong and it made things worse. I was depressed the entire summer and I kept having suicidal thoughts. These thoughts kept occurring over the last few months and I even had these urges to cut. Fortunately, I learned my mistake and I promised myself I’d never do this again. I don’t have suicidal thoughts as much as before but due to my insecurities, it is still there. I know that killing myself won’t solve anything and I know better. All I want is to figure out how to get rid of these insecurities and how to be happy with myself. I’m honestly trying my best to be a better person but no matter how much I try, these negative thoughts and feelings won’t go away. Before, I used to be positive and happy with everything around me but I don’t know what’s happening to me now. I’m trying to improve myself by distracting myself with doing things I enjoy but I need your help.

Self-assurance and self-esteem develop over time. It is quite normal for teenagers to lack confidence. Generally, people develop self-esteem as they accomplish more in life. The more accomplishments that one has, the more “proof” of one’s ability and thus the increase in self-confidence.

Though it may be normal for teenagers to lack self-confidence, your situation is concerning because of the cutting, depression and suicidal thoughts. These problems are serious and are degrading the quality of your life.

Like many people with depression, you seem to minimize your positive achievements and maximize negative aspects of your life. You also seem to be comparing yourself to others, which is problematic. Since each individual is so unique, any comparison to others will ultimately be an unfair and an unmatched comparison.

I don’t suspect that you have a mental health disorder per se but rather are misperceiving reality. In other words, you may be cognitively wrong about how you perceive yourself. You are a perfect candidate for psychotherapy. Psychotherapy is also recommended because you’ve “been trying to change yourself” but it’s been a struggle.

You have not informed your parents about these issues. Your parents need to be aware of your suicidal ideation, self-harm and depression. Your parents need to know so that they can assist you in receiving the appropriate treatment.

You seem to want help which is very encouraging. People who want help and who are willing to receive it have a very good prognosis with regard to resolving their psychological problems. The problems that you are describing are very, very common. When you look around you at school, many of the people that you are looking at are experiencing the same problems that you are. When they look at you, they might think, “why can’t I be happy and normal like her?” They don’t know what you are feeling on the inside and you don’t know how they feel on the inside.

Counseling can be a great help to you. It can make life much better. There is no reason to suffer, when help is so available to you. If you had a toothache, I would want you to see a dentist because they can easily take away your pain. Counseling can, likewise, easily take away your pain. Report your symptoms to your parents and ask if they could assist you in seeking professional mental health treatment. You will be glad that you did. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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Trust Issues in Relationship

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I met my b/f in high school, we never were romantic until I was 18 and bailed due to trust issues in him, which hurt him. We talked randomly through the years and both had things in life happen. I grew up and accepted life, the past and change in people. He does not and resents the past a lot.

In 2015, we began talking again and have been together since then. We have always just connected and been able to get along with no issues. He still had issues with me from the past, but I just continued to prove myself.

In November of 2016, he asked to look through my phone to alleviate any trust issues. I knew it was wrong to do, but I said yes, because I know I have been faithful since. After 30 min of looking he found a text to my ex that was somehow saved from February 2016. My ex and I had broken up in 2015 and it had been bad for a long time and I knew I had no romantic feelings for him, but my current b/f felt otherwise.

I have never been good with break ups and even after spouts of being rude, I am a kind person and just try being nice. My text said, ” Hi, I am not going to be rude, we can talk if you want. I still feel the same for now about being together and know that upsets you.” He and I never did talk and I haven’t seen since 2015. My b/f said I betrayed him and am not trustworthy because he told me not to talk to him. He even saved the message and reads it now.

Since then he has shut me out and made me feel horrible. He states he knows I am not a bad person, am a lot of good things and he is confident I won’t do anything wrong now or in the future, but doesn’t change his mind. He doesn’t want to “leave” me, but won’t put in effort. All I have done is prove my love and loyalty, even now. I have even started going to therapy for myself. I don’t know what to do. I have never felt so strongly about someone and in 12 years have never let him go.I accept flaws, mistakes, human error and don’t judge. (From the USA)

 This issue isn’t yours to work on now. You’ve done your part, explained yourself, and your boyfriend is looking for ways to blame you. Scrolling back six months to find a text that said you didn’t want to be rude, but talking won’t change things to your ex isn’t cause for breaking up — unless you want it to be. Your boyfriend found something he wanted to find. Rather than see it for what it was, a statement of disengagement from your ex, he took it as a sign of betrayal. His insecurity, jealousy, and vulnerability has the best of him.

I’d be clear that he will either have to trust you or not, but that the issue is his to solve — not yours. If he can deal with it, that is great. If he can’t, don’t waste more of your time trying to prove yourself. He will find something to think he is being betrayed even when it isn’t the case.

If you want to offer going to couples therapy, I think that would be a very open gesture, but this may be something your boyfriend might want to try tackling on his own. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Cannabis-Induced Problems?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. Adjustment issues, anxiety, Cannibus induced? I am a Freshman in college, just now finishing up my first year. In high school, I ran XC and track, and was an occasional pot smoker. Also, I was a popular kid, and got decent grades. However, since I’ve graduated high school, I rarely run, and smoke more pot than I ever have (about 2-3 times a week when school is in session, and almost everyday during my breaks), but still manage to maintain my grades. The summer after graduation, I started to develop anxiety and absurd, negative thoughts. For example, I started having this idea that there was some “social” cosmos, and that every action someone made, was a part of this “plan.” While smoking, I experienced some panic attacks and a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, some of which were violent. Also, after an attack, I have a self-accusation that I’m gay. However in the past, I’ve never had such thoughts of homosexuality. I have had a good history with women, and am currently seeing a girl back home. These thoughts seem to have come out of nowhere. Also, they have caused major stress, to the point where it becomes difficult to socialize, even with my best friends. I’ve felt strong feelings of insecurities and some loss of self-worth, and constantly compare myself to my father and my brother. I’ve always been a happy, out-going person, but now I feel like I’m incapable of being either.

I had been attack-free for about 3 months, however, recently I “celebrated” 4/20 by being high all day. I had one attack that day. My symptoms are the worst they’ve ever been. The most scary part is I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if these thoughts are a product of my shift to college. Or is it the fact that I live a less healthy lifestyle, all intensified by the increase of marijuana use. Please, a little insight from a professional view is all I need to get an idea of what I need change in my life.

You only used to smoke marijuana occasionally. Then you went to college and your marijuana use increased significantly. After your marijuana use increased you stopped doing most of the activities you enjoyed. Then panic attacks started. Not only have you begun to have panic attacks, seemingly related to your use of marijuana, it also seems that you’ve developed paranoid thoughts. You’ve also developed insecurities that you didn’t used to have. You seem to be experiencing depression and an overall decrease in your psychological well-being. All this has caused you a great deal of stress.

If we look at this analytically and objectively we’d see a correlation between your increased use of marijuana and a significant decrease in your quality of life. You were an energetic teenager, who engaged in many social activities, who had a good sense of self-worth and who seemed to be relatively happy. Then you started using drugs and your life started falling apart. I hope you can see the connection between your drug use and your negative symptoms.

I cannot answer the specific question of whether the issues you are experiencing are related to stress from attending college or your use of drugs. It seems that you had some stress associated with going to college, then you started to use drugs and everything went downhill from there. I hope you can see that your use of drugs has not helped you in any way and it has significantly hurt you.

I know people believe that marijuana is not that bad of a drug. Many people think it’s a relatively safe drug to use. I’ve known many people who psychologically separated in their minds marijuana from other drugs such as cocaine, PCP etc. For them marijuana is as innocent as smoking a cigarette. The fact is that marijuana is a hallucinogenic drug. LSD is also a hallucinogenic drug. These are very serious drugs. Both of these drugs have been associated with the development of severe mental illness. There is no one known cause of severe mental illness but it’s important to note that marijuana has been linked to illnesses such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. My point in bringing this information to your attention is that by using marijuana you’re not only decreasing your quality of life but you’re essentially “playing with fire.” Marijuana can permanently alter your brain chemistry in a negative way.

I would strongly encourage you to stop using marijuana. As you mentioned in your letter the last time you used marijuana to celebrate “420” day you had a panic attack. This should be enough to tell you to stop. Your body and your brain are rejecting these drugs. It’s possible that if you never used marijuana or any other drugs again, that you may not ever have a another panic attack. Your quality of life almost certainly will improve as well.

You also mentioned that you stopped engaging in athletic activities. People who smoke marijuana often lack motivation and energy. That’s one of the side effects of the drug. Perhaps if you stopped smoking marijuana you’d have the energy to return to the activities you once enjoyed. Engaging in these activities will probably also improve your quality of life.

For your own mental health and well-being it is advisable that you stop using marijuana. The concern is that your mental health symptoms will continue or intensify. If you need help and are not sure how to stop then you should consider making an appointment at the counseling center at your college. If you stop using marijuana and get help, if you need it, then your sophomore year will be much better than your freshman year.

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Relationships: Trust vs Boundaries Respect and Understanding vs Dismissal

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My girlfriend and I grew into a relationship that is very valued. I found us important and I believe she does as well. We both realized we had past relationships, but she mentioned that she had one that was a friends with benefits relationship. His name came up a few times. I found that she used to work with this guy and they remained friends. Up until right about here, I was not thinking much of anything about it. When I mentioned something about a “named guy” having a past with her and they still being friends, she replied “yeah, and I STILL friends with him…” (maybe red flag?). Anyways as time went on, there were get togethers at first with out me…then I asked if I could come to one where he’d be there. I went, and I really just got an entirely bad vibe. Long drawn out hugs followed by “I miss yous…”. I tried my best to voice my discomfort with the situation, but she was very defensive and dismissive, saying I have nothing to worry about and that it was just sex…(more than a few times). Needless to say, it has not been resolved. I feel resentful now of the entire scenario and worse, it seems like this guy just keep “showing up” places where either we or just her and her friends go. I’m losing patients, I don’t want to control her or somehow erase her past. I would like her to understand that I am uncomfortable with the whole thing and it has taken a life of its own in my head now. I can always break up with her to avoid feeling this way, but I love her. I just don’t feel like she cares. The only reason I can think of her dismissing it is because she is ok with it, there is no reason I shouldn’t be. I’m not sure she realizes that being defensive and dismissive makes it seem like there is something going on, or that she is saving. I try to stay calm, but I get very upset about it sometimes. She says she loves me and wants me, but this all makes it seem contradictory.

Overanalyzing something or ruminating about it, is often just a defense mechanism to delay our coming to the truth. You say that you do not want to control her but would just like her to understand that you are uncomfortable with the situation, the one between her and her ex-boyfriend. It appears to me that she already knows how uncomfortable this situation is for you. In all likelihood, she just doesn’t care. If I may quote you, from your last paragraph, “I just don’t feel like she cares.” And neither do I.

You are not the only boyfriend or husband, who would be upset seeing their girlfriend or wife, having frequent, long-lasting hugs with a former sexual partner. Many other men or perhaps even most would be equally upset. They would not be happy and they would find their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior to be unacceptable. Not everyone of course but many, if not most.

It is important in a relationship for both people to love the other equally or as close to equally as is possible. When one person loves the other more, then they become the underdog. The more loved one in the relationship will quickly come to realize their status and recognize that a breakup would hurt their partner more than it would hurt them. Knowing this, many of the more loved will take advantage of the less loved. That is why it is so important to be loved as much as you do love. Then both parties would suffer equal pain as a result of a breakup. As Bonnie Rait pointed out “you can’t make someone love you if they don’t.” You can’t make your girlfriend love you more than she does. It may be time to move on and find that woman who will love you just as much as you love her. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Am I Jealous or Just Insecure?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m a really quiet 20-year-old girl. I don’t smoke, I don’t go partying. I moved to Canada a year ago and I met my boyfriend. He is amazing and I don`t really have anything to complain about him as a boyfriend.

The thing is, he is 7 years my senior. This hasn’t been an issue given I’m “mature” for my age, but every time I think of him with all the other girls he’s been with.. I have a really bad time. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of that and it’s worse when I think of it during sex. I don’t think I’m pretty and I’ve seen pics of his ex’s (because I’ve seached them) and they are so much prettier than me.

We will start living together in October-November and I get so jealous when I remember he lived with his ex of 5 years. He says he didn’t love her much and he never wanted to marry her, but he wants to marry me (He has even asked for my finger size). He cheated on her and she cheated on him, and he has told me stories because he says he doesn’t want to lie to me, but it worries me he might do that to me. Once a player…

I just want help on how to stop thinking about when he had sex with other people, his ex of 5 years, how do I know he has changed and how can I feel prettier and enough for him? This is really destroying me because everything is in my head… all images and overthinking. What can I do?

Also, he talks about partying and his “youth” and I know I will start college in January and I’ll have new friends and go out with them but sometimes I feel like I’m missing out even if I don’t want to be one of those girls.

thanks

You won’t like what I’m going to say but it must be said: You are in no way ready to move in with your boyfriend. I think your obsession with his past is how you are telling yourself exactly that.

You say that you are quiet, that you don’t like to party and that you are just about to start college. You’ve been with your guy for less than a year. My best guess is that you are clinging to this relationship because you are nervous about launching a new life at school.

Furthermore, you are not as mature as you think you are. You worry about whether you are pretty enough and you have gone searching for pictures of your boyfriend’s exes. Those behaviors do not indicate maturity and positive self-esteem.

College means new friends, new experiences, experimentation with new ideas and a developing sense of self. It is a difficult but very important transition for many young people. But it is an important time of self-discovery. All that will be minimized or even eliminated if you are trying to make a home and a life with your boyfriend.

Being 7 years your senior, your boyfriend has already gone through that developmental transition. He knows who he is and what he wants. From what you told us, I don’t think he’s a “player”. I think he reacted in an immature way to his cheating girlfriend when he was young. If he has matured, he will understand that you need time to do the same personal work that he did.

My advice to you is that you and your boyfriend take a big step back. By all means, enjoy each other’s company. But don’t be exclusive for at least a year. A 7 year age difference isn’t necessarily a big one, but this happens to be an important 7 years. You need to have the freedom to explore yourself and relationships before you commit to a lifetime with your current boyfriend.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Trust Issues Are Ruining Relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have struggled with trust issues my whole life. It has lead me to be emotionally unfaithful, I question everything, and invade his privacy when he has given me no reason to believe he would stray. When I was caught with a profile on a dating site I had resolved to never lie again. I have yet to be unfaithful again, but I hold so many insecurities that I can’t believe he wouldn’t want to be with someone else.

I recently answered a text message on his phone from a co-worker whom he had been spending a lot of time with helping her with rides to work, apartment hunting etc. I had brought myself to trust the relationship they had until I saw her text him at 8am to say good morning. I almost instinctually replied as though I were him. I was very shaky, felt ill, and felt almost oblivious to everything else around me.She had said she missed him more than ever, so I asked her to call me. When she called I asked her why she would say those things and she assured me nothing was going on.

I believe that he is not being unfaithful but my actions are hurtful and I don’t know that I could stop myself from doing that again. This isn’t the first time my suspicions were proven wrong. I constantly feel like I am not good enough, always feel second best, and am not confidant he can be happy with me. He is tired of the lack of trust and is ready to leave over it.

Not only that but because I hold so many fears and insecurities I can’t seem to praise him or see positives, all I can focus on are negatives and he feels this is an underlying displeasure with him. He recently told me he had not yet been able to forgive my infidelity and feels very little has changed in me. He has said he is unsure whether he wants to continue in the relationship. He believes I am sabotaging the relationship in order to find a reason to leave. I want to fix this, I just don’t know how to stop my behaviors, the worse he feels about us the worse I behave. Why?

A; You’ve already told us both why. You are terribly, terribly insecure. Stalking your fiance isn’t going to help because the problem isn’t in him. It’s in you. Criticizing him in order to bring him down to your level isn’t doing anything for your relationship, either. You are fortunate indeed that he hasn’t given up yet. He must love you a lot.

If you want to fix this, you are going to have to do more than think about it. If you could have solved the problem on your own, you would have done so long ago. To stop the behaviors and the feelings behind them, you need to see a counselor. Therapy will help you get to the bottom of your insecurities and your feelings of unworthiness and will help you learn more productive ways to manage them. I hope you get going with some therapy right away. I don’t see how your relationship can withstand much more of this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Friend Thinks She is Possessed By Spirits

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Dear doctor,please help? my friend has been suffering from schizophrenia for several years now.initially she would see and hear voices . these “black beings” as she described would ask her to commit suicide. she almost did several times but somehow didn’t take it the whole way. it is weird that she only experience these at work. while at home she is fine.

she actually was much better 2 years ago. even started reaching out to another friend who was also suffering from schizophrenia. it did not go well though. this new friend refused medication and distanced herself from us.

after this incident, my friend’s symptom suddenly worsen.recently she quit her job at last. thinking this was the only chance the “beings” will leave her alone. what we hoped for did not come to pass however. for she now not only hears the voices at home, she experiences being possessed by the spirits. during these episodes she will scream and pull at her hair. feeling as if she is controlled by some other being and no longer herself. as if crazy. however, when it is over, she is back to her normal self.

she was hospitalized once when she was terrified she will take her own life. however, the doctor who accessed her informed that she has a strong will and less possibility to actually do it.

she has been taking several different types of drugs at different dosages with different combinations prescribed by the doctor but none seemed to help.

i try to be as supportive as i can by listening to her, emphasising with her, laughing with her, fetching her to the doctors etc. recently i discovered that she seem to be lying to me. i do believe it may not be intentional but her desire to get attention. it does stress me out and ware me thin though.

i was thinking perhaps it would be good for me to bring her to a counsellor to discover the trigger or root cause.she was adopted and her mom passed away from cancer.hence she has alot of insecurities and bitterness. do you think it will give her some relief? i am at my wits end on how to help her. i do not know who to tell or talk to either. please do advice? thanks alot.

yours sincerely,
stuck and desperate

Dear Stuck and Desperate, first let me say thank you for being such a good friend. Unfortunately, not all people with schizophrenia receive that level of understanding, care and compassion from others. Your friend is fortunate to have someone who cares so much about her well-being. Undoubtedly, it makes a major positive difference in her life.

You asked about whether or not it would be a good idea for you to bring her to a counselor to discover the root cause of her disorder. In general, the more positive support that she receives, the better her prognosis.

Counseling might be a big help to her. It may not be in her best interest for the counseling to focus solely on the cause of her disorder. Even if she uncovered the cause of her schizophrenia, there is no clear indication that it would positively impact her symptoms. She may not be psychologically ready to explore the potential causes.

It also may not be possible to determine a cause. In general, scientists don’t know the cause of schizophrenia. It will likely be difficult for the counselor to pinpoint a definitive cause.

To answer your question directly, yes, it would be advisable for her to begin counseling but it should mainly focus on how she can better manage her symptoms and maintain emotional stability. She would be better served by learning how to manage her symptoms than she would be to learn what may have caused her disorder.

I hope this answers your questions. Don’t hesitate to write again if you have additional questions. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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