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Social Anxiety Is Driving Me Crazy

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Italy: i guess i have to began from the beginning,when i guess is started everything..so i was always been an introvert kid,loving nature and especially dogs. So in school they began to make fun of me because i was a bit chubby,then last year ive been recovered from anorexia,and because i love dogs(since i was a kid i always had this special bond with dogs and actually during anorexia my two dogs saved my life) anyway they torturing me and keep telling me that i was ugly,and that my life price was 0,2 cent(really low…means that the trash was more important than my life) so i start cutting,but never had suicide attempt.

In my 16 and 17 years i was really happy with myself and very confident,then anorexia beat me up,and now,as a 18 years old girl,ive been struggling with social anxiety disorder. Actually since im 18 my life began,you know began to work,travel,licence driving ecc…it was suppose to be all exciting but i dont know why i keep feel empty inside like no one love me for who i really am,and as much i love to go out for walks i cant because my mind is keep always bothering me with “what if” thoughts…and im sure as hell that everyone is against me and laughing at me and calling me ugly behind my back.its really awful.

i cant keep going on in this way,for example when i have to go to driving school(like tomorrow) in the morning i always feel very sick,so many times i throwing up because i’m very scared and nervous about the fact that “what if they make fun of me???what if i do something wrong?? what if they laugh at me??” even when im out with my friends im always looking around to see if someone is laughing at me,my friends tell me that even if they laugh at me i should go on my way and dont think about it,but for me its useless,i mean if someone is making fun of me it feels like the end of the world to me,literally,i think about it for weeks,and its really awful.im 18 and i want my life bak.what should i do???i’m de sperate,really i am.

 

 What you didn’t mention in the letter is whether you have a counselor. If not, you have been heroic long enough. You’ve been battling the effects of bullying, anxiety and an eating disorder on your own. That’s amazing! But at some point, most people who have had the experiences that you have had need a little help. There is no shame in that. Why should you be fighting the impulses to cut and the social anxiety all by yourself, when there are professionals who have made it their life work to help people deal with these issues?

If you haven’t yet seen a counselor, do make an appointment right away. If you have been seeing a counselor, I hope you are seeing him or her regularly and that you are sharing the same information you did here. The road back from an eating disorder is a difficult one but it is not impossible. With support, you can also learn the coping skills and social skills you need to be more comfortable around other people.

Please. Take care of yourself and get the help you need. The bullying that happened when you were young does not have to set a negative direction for your entire life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Hate and Love Being Alone

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the UK: I’m so confused with my own mentality, one side of me loves to be alone and would avoid meeting and maintaining relationships with friends or putting any effort into these friendships at all. I guess this is because I don’t like to compromise on my daily routine or in life …so selfishly, if I meet with someone it will be because I want to. Which is rare.

I also like the feeling of being by myself because I’m granted so much freedom to do what i want … for example I like to do my artwork and prefer to be alone when doing this. I also HATE small talk, the only thing that would get me to meet with someone is a real deep and meaningful conversation. Even my closest friend I couldn’t have a deep conversation with, in fact when I was at uni my friends used to smoke cannabis and instead of smoking it I would let them smoke it just so I could have an excuse to talk deeply and not be seen as weird.

However, this side of me (the one that craves real conversations) is the side that gets so depressed when im alone …even though another part of me enjoys it. its hard to explain, but somehow i have feelings of joy for being alone but then in that instant feel sad for being alone.

what is wrong with me? on top of both these personalities i also get “the grass is greener” mentality a lot which means that when im on my own i don’t relax fully because part of me wants to be socializing and when im socializing i don’t enjoy it fully because part of me just wants to be at home relaxing with out anyone to tie me down.

I apologize if this doesn’t make too much sense, it was hard enough for me to figure out what i wanted to say just to put it into words. I don’t even know what im asking, more than just what is wrong with me? How do i find people i can have really deep conversations with other than hiring a psychologist haha? how do i annihilate this “grass is greener” mentality so i can be content with any decision that i make?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I don’t think there is anything “wrong” with you. What you are describing isn’t that unusual for an introvert. Some people by nature need more alone time than others to feel comfortable and to regroup within themselves before re-engaging with others. Many people mistakenly believe that introverts are shy or don’t want to be with people. That isn’t true. They value deep relationships as much as anyone else. They just need private time to balance the drain of emotional energy that comes with social contact. I think you will find comfort in doing some reading about temperament (introverts and extroverts) on the web. That might help you be at peace with what you call your “grass is always greener mentality”.

As for your need for more meaningful conversation: Maybe you are telling yourself you need some more intellectually stimulating friends. Consider taking some advanced classes in art or philosophy (or anything that interests you deeply) or joining a book club (where people really talk about the books) or attending lectures that are offered publicly. Participation in such activities will help you meet people who will converse on the level you crave.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Have Problems Socially & Personally

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am a 19-year-old college student, and for all of my life I have had problems interacting socially, but it has gotten much worse as I have gotten older. To the point where for the past few years I have only a couple friends who I don’t even really like very much. I have made two friends in college but I find myself choosing to spend time by myself most of the time. Even when I am by myself, for example going for a walk, I end up feeling angry if there are too many people outside because I feel like they are invading my space even though I know they have every right to be there.

I also have trouble in school because I can’t work with people, which makes me get bad grades on group projects because I get low participation scores. No matter how hard I try I can’t bring up my scores. Now that I’m in college, I know that this is a more serious problem, especially when I will have a job, so I went to a therapist but found it to be very unhelpful and I wasn’t able to successfully communicate my issues.

Another thing that concerns me is that I started getting hypnagogic hallucinations a few years ago. They used to be mostly auditory, but now they have become mostly visual. I have always disliked this because it makes me scared to go to sleep because I’m afraid I will see the scary faces and hear creepy voices. The voices usually shout at me and startle me awake, which is scary and makes it hard to fall asleep.

I don’t know if saying any of this is helpful but I just feel like there is something wrong with me because I just seem so different from everyone else, and can’t seem to fit into any situation that involves other people. I am very isolated, but I also don’t feel lonely. If anything I wish I could be more alone. I know therapy would probably help me, but I also hate the idea of going to another therapist because when I went to one before it was not helpful, and also getting there would be hard because I don’t have a car.

It’s okay to want to be alone, especially if that’s your preference, however it’s not good for your mental health. Human beings are social creatures. We generally like to be around other people. Of course, there are some people who prefer more independence than others and that is perfectly fine, but, generally, most people want to be around others. Even if it’s not their preference, they can at least tolerate being around others.

Studies show that there are many benefits to having social relationships. When comparing people who have more active social lives to people with less active social lives, researchers consistently find that the former experience many positive benefits. These include living longer, having better physical health and mental health outcomes, increased resiliency, and a decreased risk of developing dementia.

What matters most is having relationships that are meaningful. Being friends with everyone isn’t necessarily good for your mental health. Most psychologically healthy people have only a few good friends. That’s because these relationships take a great deal of time to cultivate and maintain.

It would be good to understand why you are increasingly self-isolating. The main problem you seem to have is your inability to tolerate being around other people. This inability has led to negative outcomes in your life. It’s causing you to have poor grades and could potentially be a major problem for you once you graduate and try to enter the workforce.

Unless you work from home, you’re going to have to interact with people. Even if you did work from home, you would likely have your own business or work for a business, and in that circumstance, you’re probably still going to have to interact with people. If you cannot interact with people in a manner that is acceptable to them, then your business would suffer. The bottom line is that it’s important to explore why you have developed this intolerance to people and most importantly, how to fix it so that you can function in the world. Otherwise, it is you who will suffer the consequences. If you can’t work then you can’t pay your bills. It is important not ignore this problem and face it head on.

The solution to this problem is counseling. Counseling, in your view, is not desirable or convenient but you have admitted to their being a problem in your life. Whenever you have a problem, the most responsible course of action is to seek help for it. I know that you tried counseling once and it wasn’t helpful but you shouldn’t stop trying.

Not all therapists are the same. It takes time to find the right therapist. You shouldn’t give up after only one try. I usually suggest that consulting at least four or five therapists before choosing the one you like. You may even have to consult more than that. Finding good help could make all the difference in your life. It could mean the difference between unhappiness and happiness, success and failure. Some people are not willing to put forth the time it takes to find a good therapist but it is well worth the effort.

Hopefully, I have convinced you to try therapy again. Good luck and please take care.

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Is It Normal to Have Nothing to Love but Myself?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Egypt: I could remember myself back 3-4 years ago. I was just trying to be ‘normal’, because I was just a kid. I didn’t know what I want or even who I’m, so I used to try to stick to what’s known as ‘good’ if you know what I mean.

I thought about it and I found out that what I knew then for sure is that I want to look at myself with pride and ego.
As I grew up, and found no use of what I was trying to do. I decided to consider it an issue, I took advantage of my talent of writing and wrote about myself, recognized who I’m, until I actually got it. It seemed like a victory to me, loving myself and finally looking at the world with a perspective of mine, not only that vision which the society wants me to observe and conclude by (sometimes we agree)

It has progressed over the years, as I’ve become totally self-centered. I’m deeply the most selfish person I know, and what’s surprising me is that I’m dearly proud of it. I love myself for reasons and for no reasons. This is a clear-enough description of myself..

I technically live inside my head. I don’t care (not even slightly) about what people think and how they describe or see things. Everything is analysable (like seriously, EVERYTHING around me). I love being alone, even when it’s making me the most bored person on earth, I’d prefer entertaining myself by books and TV shows which satisfies my imagination on a long-term. I very rarely feel anything related to ‘love’ towards anybody but my own family (we live in the same house),

I left my girlfriend after 2.5 years together and I felt nothing but the absence of some daily conversations and activities, and I never feel sorry for anybody who dies (I might feel angry if it was terrible, but never sorry). I admire what I like, no matter how people see what I like evil or crazy or messed up. I don’t ever feel guilt towards anybody but myself (if some of my actions scratched my ego). I never get angry at anybody or expect anything bad or good from anybody whatsoever. I love myself more
than I’d ever love anybody. And most importantly : I’m only satisfied when I’m totally alone (that’s why I’m here).

The simple answer to your question is “No”. It’s not normal to be so isolated. Human beings are social creatures by nature. As much as you want to think you live in a universe of one, you don’t. Like everyone else in the world, you are dependent on other people in a variety of ways. Even a hermit needs other people to be a hermit from.

You’ve compensated for not being able to figure out how to get along by withdrawing from the social world. If you continue to live like this, it is going to have negative effects on both your mental and physical well-being.

So, as much as I think you are going to hate it, I do think you need to see a mental health specialist for an evaluation. You may be right that you are just a misanthropic individual but, even if that’s the case, it may be important to understand why. With that understanding, you can decide if you want to keep it up or change it. It also occurs to me that you may be on the high end of the autism spectrum. If that’s the case, your thinking and behavior may have come about as a compensation. There are better ways to deal with it.

You do have a talent for writing as demonstrated by your clear letter. But even the solitary task of writing is usually for and about other people. We have to live life in order to have things to write about.

I think you deserve better than you’ve got right now. Narcissus, the character in Greek legend and the person for whole narcissism is named, loved himself as you do and it caused his death. People are not meant to narrow their world and their love to only themselves. When they do, it results in a kind of mental atrophy and the world becomes a very lonely place.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Extreme Guilt and a Desire to Be Alone

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From Sweden: I really, really want to be alone. I strongly dislike socializing and I’m really not a people-person. I never really feel like I connect with others and often feel like a misfit around other humans, like I simply don’t belong with them.

I’m incredibly not interested in socializing, not interested in other humans. Every second feels like a “waste of time” and I get bored out of my mind. When I’m by myself I never feel lonely or bored, there’s always something I want to do. I’m always itching to do those stuff I really want to do and find everything else pretty tedious. I spend a large amount of time in my head, and honestly, I feel no desire to become more social.

The only people I got in my life are my mother and my sister. I guess you could say we’ve got a special bond, it’s kind of always been us three together. The problem is, I’m starting to feel like we’re beginning to contrast in a completely wrong way. They’re social – whilst I’m not. They like talking and socializing, “hanging out”, – I loathe it. But since it’s “just us” we’ve only got each other, which means I’m “expected” to be social with them, which I’m not really is.
I know my mom yearns -needs- me to interact with them more, I know my sister is growing a strong dislike towards this solitary side of me – is starting to get annoyed and maybe thinking I don’t care about them.

While I’m incredibly grateful for these two amazing people, I really start to find myself wishing that I was born in some else, less social or caring, family. Or for me to simply stop existing. Or that I would’ve never been born. I’m not sure I can live with the guilt of the situation. Hurting them is the last thing I want to do, but I feel like caged animal nowadays, like I’m forced into a habitat I don’t belong in. Though I also can’t just leave – that would also hurt them.

I’m so lost of what to do. It feels so unfortunate. I just want to thrive in my lonesomeness, and I don’t think that will change, but by doing so I’ll only hurt the people I care so much about. The guilt is killing me. But what is there to do?

Thank you for your important question. I don’t believe wanting to be on your own is a problem. Some people prefer and thrive in this way.

The core issue is here is the ambivalence trying to satisfy the demands of the relationship with your mother and sister. It is this core contradiction that needs to be addressed.

This solution may be in discussing your concerns with them. Instead of this being an emotionally burdensome struggle you take on all by yourself, explaining to them what is going on can help at many levels. First, they may be relieved that you are sharing this ambivalence with them, secondly they’ll likely to have some empathy for your struggle. Finally, they may have suggestions about what the three of you can do moving forward to preserve the quality relationship you already have.

Moving toward the conflict by expressing it to them is the most direct method of helping to bring about a change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Have Never Had Real Friends, Do I Have to Change Who I Am?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve always been a quiet person; I enjoy reading books, listening to music or watching movies. I was like that when I was younger, when other kids were screaming, I was painting or playing quietly. I had friends who told me they wished I was dead, tried to drown me at the pool or always saying mean things, like I would never be good at anything. My mom talked to other parents but they didn’t mind. Growing up I was the same me, I didn’t like going to clubs or getting drunk but most of the people I knew did. I never criticized anyone, it just wasn’t for me. I’m 24 and I don’t have friends, most of people I know just want the same things they wanted at 21: alcohol, parties and whenever they see me with a book then ‘I’m a loser’. I do have a boyfriend. He finds interesting the way I am and doesn’t judge me for being like the others. He does have friends, and I feel sad when he’s sharing with his friends and I see it’s great but I never found that on my own. Most of his friends get along with me, they say I’m a good friend and I feel happy, but I would like to have my own friends too. My boyfriend’s a lot more social than me so even if he’s just watching a game with his friends I wish I could have something like that too. I went to a therapist and she told me I was an ‘old cat lady in a younger body’ and that I was depressed but I don’t feel like that, I just enjoy different things. I’d rather stay home and play board games than going out and forgetting everything the next day. I have gone to clubs, but I don’t like to go every weekend. That’s why most of the friends I had called me a freak until I decided I was sick of having friends who weren’t really nice, or when they stopped talking to me. Is there something wrong with me? Since everyone says I have to make an effort I don’t know if I have to change who I am so people can like me and not make fun of me. I wouldn’t like to, the ‘friend’ wouldn’t accept me as I am, that isn’t a friendship to me. (From Venezuela)

 First, I am very sorry that any therapist would announce to you that you are an “old cat lady in a younger body.” Also, telling you that you are depressed, when this isn’t how you feel, is off-base. Her comments have more to do with being ignorant and unskilled as therapist than you. I hope you have found another professional to talk to.

Because you enjoy different things, prefer quiet activities, and have a different temperament doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. If you desire friends you don’t have to change who you are, but rather change where you look for connections. Look for like-minded people, such as joining a book club, and be around people with similar interests. But also remember that some differences can be very healthy. To quote Ani DiFranco: “I know there is strength in the differences between us. I know there is comfort where we overlap.”

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Why Do I Isolate Myself So Often?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: For as long as I could remember I liked being alone. I think it’s starting to really effect me though as I start to get older and enter the adult world. Every time I’m out with friends I feel uncomfortable and awkward. I always feel like I’m putting a front or an act in front of everyone I speak to and I could only feel at ease when I’m at home by myself. When I’m alone I feel as though I don’t think. Like I’m just alone in my room for hours imagining a better life and different scenarios of my pretend life when really I’m just laying in bed doing nothing. Is that normal?

I feel like something is wrong with me but I don’t understand what or how I could fix it. Sometimes I feel brain dead like I can’t even find words to describe how I feel or communicate with other people. The only phrase I always find myself saying is “I don’t know” I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling, and I don’t know how to communicate or create a genuine connection with people.

All I ever do is pretend like I’m living in my own daydream and in this daydream I have personal connections with people I can hardly keep a conversation with in real life. Even when I go out with friends or family all I could think about is going back home to be alone. Like having conversations with people drains me and I need to be alone resting to stop feeling on edge.

Please tell me if this is normal or if any other person feels this way because a huge percent of the time I feel like I’m the only one who feels exactly what I’m feeling.

No, you are not alone in this. At 17, you are aware of the increasing expectations (by yourself and others) for you to enter the adult world as a fully functioning adult person. Those expectations can be daunting. Since you find them overwhelming, it make sense that you retreat to daydreaming as an alternative to dealing with the difficult reality.

However, this is a problem that only spirals downward. The more you retreat, the less comfortable you will be in the company of others. Instead of getting practice in communicating well and developing confidence in yourself, you are becoming convinced you can’t do either.

It may be that you are developing the symptoms of social anxiety. Everyone has some degree of worry about how they will be received by others and whether they can manage the multiple demands of a social situation. But symptoms of social anxiety are not just a momentary case of “stage fright”. When social anxiety reaches a clinical level, the person becomes so fearful of the judgment of others and so convinced that she can’t fit into the social world that the stress is just too much to handle. People with social anxiety dread being in a variety of social situations. This can severely limit a person’s life.

People tend to see those with social anxiety as shy or aloof or even snobbish. But the truth is that the client really does want to have positive relationships and to be included. The social anxiety has become a huge barrier.

The physical symptoms of social anxiety are individual. Some people feel dizzy or lightheaded. Or they might feel tension in the body. Some people develop stomach pain and diarrhea or a racing heart, blushing or sweating. Meanwhile, the person perseverates about their fear that they will do or say something that will offend someone else or humiliate herself. Basic social skills dessert her.

Such clients develop a variety of strategies for managing life. Some will only go anywhere if they are accompanied by someone they trust. Many significantly limit their contact with others. Others develop a full blown phobia and never leave their house.

The good news is that social anxiety can be treated. The success rate is high. Research has shown that the treatment with the best results is active, structured, cognitive-behavioral therapy. This type of therapy has been shown to to change the neural pathways in the brain permanently.

The earlier you get treatment, the less of your life will be wasted by holing up in your room. I urge you to make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders as soon as you can.

While you wait for your appointment, you might find it helpful to read “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by Dr. David Burns. In it, he explains social anxiety more fully than I can here. He also describes a number of techniques you can use to help yourself feel better and more self-confident.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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What Could Be Wrong with Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: i think i need a mental evaluation because i have a lot of social issues. i often appear awkward or stupid to others because i don’t know how to respond to them on the spot. its almost like i think too slow or can’t completely pay attention to or understand what they are saying. i often zone out or daydream and i have a habit of saying “what?” every time someone asks or tells me something because it gives me an extra few seconds to get what they’re saying.

i also have really low self esteem and i just hate myself because i never seem to do or say the right things. i often have suicidal thoughts and do self destructive things like stealing/shoplifting, drugs/alcohol etc. i have dreams about doing bad things too. i often lie – sometimes to hide something, or when i don’t have anything else to say, or even for no reason at all most of the time. i get really depressed or anxious and i tend to talk even when people aren’t listening to me even when i know it.

i’m pretty introverted and observant and i only have a couple of friends because i just don’t know how to talk to people, not even my family. i’m afraid of the people i have in my life leaving me, and i try really hard to be a good friend because i don’t want to be any more alone. i always end up caring about people more than they care about me and i take more time to understand them, especially the people i like. i also have times where i feel like i’m not really there or empty, and i get really sentimental like i have all these flashbacks and memories of random things. i’m 15 so is this normal? because ive always felt different from everyone else, and ive been this way for as long as i can remember. what should i do?

A good deal of what you’re saying sounds like normal teen issues. You are struggling to find out who you are and how to relate to others. Sometimes memories and daydreams are happier than the present, so you go there in your mind. That’s normal, too. In addition, you are by nature introverted and kind of shy, so you are perhaps struggling more than some of your classmates who are more naturally social. The most positive thing you said is that you do have a couple of good friends and you do value their friendship. That means you do know how to connect with others. That’s something to build on.

I’m worried that you are measuring yourself against some ideal that is difficult, if not impossible, to reach. I assure you, many, many teens (and quite a few adults for that matter) have more trouble than you might imagine figuring out how to be social, how to say the “right” things and how to have the perfect retort. Although they probably serve as distractions, hurting yourself and doing destructive things is not going to make things better and will only further damage your self-esteem. Instead you need to be building on the friendships you have.

Often it is friends who help friends figure things out. If you and your friends have a trusting relationship, you may be able to talk together about how to be more at ease with other people. If your friends aren’t the type of people to do that, maybe seeing a therapist for a little while would be helpful. A therapist can help you put things in perspective, can teach you some new skills and can support you while you try out new ways to be with other people.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Should I Seek Help?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I know I am introvert type person, but what I’m having trouble with is that I dislike people. I won’t say hate them nor would I wish them harm but I find it very hard to tolerate people…I think people in general are idiots. Because of my generally dislike of people and view that they are all idiots don’t matter if you had higher education everyone is an idiot and people are nasty creatures. It have me worry, I’m unemployed at the moment and when I think about working with people I get very… discourage. I don’t want to interact with anyone. I find making small talk and meeting new people to be very hard. I feel overwhelmed thinking about interacting with other people. I want to but at the same time I don’t, I start to think what would I say, i’ll sound like an idiot, I’m not intelligent person. I also just don’t like being around them, but at the same time I do get lonely and I want company. But when I have company I just them to go away. For the few people I do know personally I don’t really like them that much. That goes with my family also, I love my mother, father and brother but at the same time I really dislike them and would like to be free from them. I have 1 friend that I like but I don’t like hanging out with her too much i feel that if I do I’ll start to dislike her as well. I also worry about become to attach and depend of her. I worry that if our friendship will break apart that we will grow apart and that I will be hurt.

Another thing that I am worry about is that I get depressed, I know I won’t do it just because I think about my family and also that I vow that if I do try again I will succeed. I get sad a lot thinking about how my life is now, about my past of what I did, didn’t do, about my lack in relationship and friendship. I find I wish that I was dead a lot. A lot of time can go by where I’m neutral I’m not happy but I don’t think about being dead or just being gone from everyone be it death or just leaving. I find happiness to be a fleeting emotion that only last a second so most time I’ll say I’m neutral not sad but not happy at all.. But when I do get depressed I will lock myself away in my room normally 3 day sometime my family will drag me out and I will make an effort and spend time with them but I will be upset and hate them, will really want to just be gone. I may go years without doing that but I will think from time to time that I wish I had died. I try suicide about 10 year ago and was hospitalized before that during my high school year I had plan many time how I will end my life and try twice before my last one I think. I’m not worry that I will kill myself but I do worry that I still want to and that I wish that I was dead. I think that I need to get help them but it will pass and I’ll be okay. I also worry that if do try to speak to some in person that I will lie or just act like everything is okay. I also think that other people out that have really worry and that I would be okay I’m made it this far. But I don’t think its health but I’m unsure.

An other thing is my sexuality, I can go years without sex I find that I want a relationship not for any sexualy need but for a companiship. I worry that if I do find someone that I wont be very sexualy active with them. I then worry what if they don’t want sex also because I do want sex but it’s not my driving force on why I want to find someone. I find myself only wanting to be with someone because I don’t want to die alone but I find it hard to think about being with one. I don’t enjoy the idea of being naked in front of another person. I also have an issues of how I dress, I’m female and I love my feminine body but sometime I feel the need to be more boyish. A few years ago i had a problem of wanting to dress like a boy and even wanted to change my name to alex. But I felt incomplete because I didn’t want to be a ftm I wanted to be both a female and a male. Now years had pass and I’m no longer want to dress like a boy but I feel that I am obsessed with making sure that I look like a female. I get a lot of facial hair and I get very upset about it. I was born a female, I have all the parts so I shouldn’t have the facial hair that I do.

I want to know why I am the way I am and if there is any hope to change the way I am. I dislike people, I mean I really dislike people. I like being alone but I also want to be with people but feel overwhelmed.I don’t have a lot of confidence, I wonder why I feel I should be born both as male and female. I worry about my desire of being dead. I want to get help but I don’t know who or where to go. I also start thinking that I shouldn’t that I do have a good life. Its not only that I’m sure if I should a professional but I don’t know if it will help at all with my thought. That is what I am asking should I seek help and will it help?

You don’t like others because you are having trouble liking yourself. Yes, it is time to seek help and learn how to treat yourself better and be more comfortable in your own skin. If you aren’t okay with you — you will have a difficult time being okay with others. The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find a therapist in your area. He or she can help you feel better about yourself — which is a good place to start.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Humiliated

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Hello. I am a 15 year old girl. Since I was a little girl, I never really went outside. I always stayed at my home most of the time. I only had one friend with whom I would talk to most of the time. I was terrified of what people thought about me, and I still am. And because of that I avoid people, even my classmates. A humiliating incident happened today. After tuition, my tuition sir’s small girl who is about six years younger than me was playing with me. She then suddenly took a leap on the double-swing seat’s edge and was standing and swinging. I was worried she would accidentally fall and hurt herself. So, I went over and playfully hit her leg and told her she might fall. After that she did something which really humiliated me in front of my friends. She slapped me. I was speechless and I walked away. What’s worse is that I didn’t even tell her anything. What’s even more surprising is the fact that I didn’t even get angry. When I went home, I was only thinking what my peers would say about me after that embarrassing and humiliating incident. I still wasn’t angry on the girl.

Here’s the problem: #1 – I always, ALWAYS fail to stand up for myself. I always think the other person is always correct. Not me. I am really pathetic. #2 – I am always worried about what people might think about me. Because of that, I don’t even speak to any people except for my best friend. Even when I actually speak to people, I get really shaky and fail to form proper sentences. I can’t even think properly and because of that, I blabber out stupid stuff. (age 15, from Saudi Arabia)

I’m sorry that you are feeling humiliated by this experience. It may be that the girl slapped you because she did not take your behavior of hitting her on the leg as playful and she was striking back. In the future, it may be best to keep hands off and just let her know that you are worried that she might hurt herself. I’m not saying that what she did was ok or justified, but she may have just reacted without thinking, not realizing you were trying to help.

Nonetheless, even though you felt humiliated by the experience, I doubt it really caught that many people’s attention and even if it did, they will move on and forget about it. I’m more concerned that you feel so uncomfortable around others and yet care so much what they think of you. What really matters is how you feel about yourself. If you like yourself, others will like you too.

In order to build up your confidence socially, it may be important to slowly work on making new friends and specifically seek out those whom you have things in common with, be it school subjects, hobbies, or even just a similar sense of humor. You don’t have to have a lot of friends, just focus on having a few good ones. This will go a long way in helping you feel comfortable.

It may also be beneficial for you to speak with your school counselor, a therapist or perhaps even a trusted teacher or other respected adult. Getting an adult perspective at this difficult time of your life might help you make progress faster. Furthermore, you can do some reading on self-esteem and assertiveness. There are many good workbooks available, as well as some helpful online resources.

You began the process of sticking up for yourself by writing in and reaching out. Keep up the good work!

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Am I Avoiding People or Do I Just Like Being Alone?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

It’s like that I always being alone everywhere. I’m comfortable with being alone. In school or going to some places, it’s really okay for me to be alone. Some people in school sees me weird for it, but I think it’s them who always need accompany just to go to toilet or canteen while they can do it their self. I have two best friends and don’t like to be in group.

I avoid those people who talk so loud and cant control their laugh. My interest aren’t the same like any other girls. I don’t like gossiping or talking about make up or love life. Yet, I like games, comics, breaking the rules, and I draw a lot. I don’t want to pretend I like their interest just so I can talk with them. I like being who I am and they see me weird for it. I turned down guys who flirted with me indirectly like three times because I don’t know what topic should I say.

When I was a kid, I’m a shy and quiet girl but gets talkative with my close friends. But, I turned really quiet when I’m a junior in middle school because my friends and someone who I think my best friend avoided me. Middle school was the worst time for my relationship with people. I ruined many of it and got avoided by my classmates twice. I’m starting to think my like of being alone because of that, plus my mother passed away and I was really close with her and one year later my dad married again.

Lately, I began to love being alone in my world and don’t like to talk to someone. I love being in my world with my imagination and it bothers me when someone start talking to me because I don’t know what should I say, I’m not good at making joke and I really often miss pronounce words and speak with low voice. Lately, I also feel empty and often daydreaming. Am I avoiding people or love to be alone? Because it really sucks to know people sees me weird for it. (From Indonesia)

 

A:  I really appreciate the way you have articulated this question. There’s a fine line between needing alone time and avoiding people. Susan Kane has written about this in her book Quiet. I recognize that being alone has commend this value many people and groups, and group interaction me be counterproductive for them. Susan Cain writes about this with clarity. Being shy or quite isn’t a disease — but systematically avoiding new or challenging situations isn’t healthy. Give yourself a goal of trying something new — talking to someone new once a week. Challenge yourself regularly as it will help you grow — but watch Susan’s Ted Talk for more insight into embracing your quiet nature. You will need to balance both as you move forward.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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