Tag:

Introvert

I Hate and Love Being Alone

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 10, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the UK: I’m so confused with my own mentality, one side of me loves to be alone and would avoid meeting and maintaining relationships with friends or putting any effort into these friendships at all. I guess this is because I don’t like to compromise on my daily routine or in life …so selfishly, if I meet with someone it will be because I want to. Which is rare.

I also like the feeling of being by myself because I’m granted so much freedom to do what i want … for example I like to do my artwork and prefer to be alone when doing this. I also HATE small talk, the only thing that would get me to meet with someone is a real deep and meaningful conversation. Even my closest friend I couldn’t have a deep conversation with, in fact when I was at uni my friends used to smoke cannabis and instead of smoking it I would let them smoke it just so I could have an excuse to talk deeply and not be seen as weird.

However, this side of me (the one that craves real conversations) is the side that gets so depressed when im alone …even though another part of me enjoys it. its hard to explain, but somehow i have feelings of joy for being alone but then in that instant feel sad for being alone.

what is wrong with me? on top of both these personalities i also get “the grass is greener” mentality a lot which means that when im on my own i don’t relax fully because part of me wants to be socializing and when im socializing i don’t enjoy it fully because part of me just wants to be at home relaxing with out anyone to tie me down.

I apologize if this doesn’t make too much sense, it was hard enough for me to figure out what i wanted to say just to put it into words. I don’t even know what im asking, more than just what is wrong with me? How do i find people i can have really deep conversations with other than hiring a psychologist haha? how do i annihilate this “grass is greener” mentality so i can be content with any decision that i make?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I don’t think there is anything “wrong” with you. What you are describing isn’t that unusual for an introvert. Some people by nature need more alone time than others to feel comfortable and to regroup within themselves before re-engaging with others. Many people mistakenly believe that introverts are shy or don’t want to be with people. That isn’t true. They value deep relationships as much as anyone else. They just need private time to balance the drain of emotional energy that comes with social contact. I think you will find comfort in doing some reading about temperament (introverts and extroverts) on the web. That might help you be at peace with what you call your “grass is always greener mentality”.

As for your need for more meaningful conversation: Maybe you are telling yourself you need some more intellectually stimulating friends. Consider taking some advanced classes in art or philosophy (or anything that interests you deeply) or joining a book club (where people really talk about the books) or attending lectures that are offered publicly. Participation in such activities will help you meet people who will converse on the level you crave.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

April 10, 2024 0 comments

Friends: Don’t Have Any, Don’t Want Any

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 16, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been rejected by peers from as early as junior kindergarten. It was not so much bullying as rejection (i.e: I had only 1 friend up until gr.7 or 8, & mostly just got shunned or talked about behind my back). It’s been a continuing trend in my life, but I am just wondering if it is a normal reaction to not care (aside from feeling angry when I think about my past).

Specifically, what I mean is that I do not really care to have meaningful social interactions with other people. I view it as a hassle. Being friends with someone just means you have to deal with all the related complexities of the relationship. From my point of view, relationships simply complicate life. I don’t really see the point. People just aren’t worth the time. When I do make a friend, I tend to sort of drift away after a while. For instance, it would be weird having the same friend for more than a couple of years. I start resenting having them.

Yet, it seems that most people who don’t have friends DO want friends…and it causes them emotional pain/discontent etc that they don’t have friends. But I’m the opposite, I don’t care to have friends. I think that it’s a defence mechanism I built up. Do you think that it’s possible that it is a numbness to the social rejection I experienced as a child? If not, any general ideas as to what else could be triggering it (and is it normal to feel the way I do)? And is it even possible to shake oneself out of this kind of apathy? I have next to no motivation to do so. Also, is it really that detrimental to not want to bother with people on a personal level? I’m fine with casual aquaintances, like the people I work with. But I don’t really want anything more than that. And I’m also an introvert by nature.

I know I’ve asked a lot of questions, but I’d appreciate any insight.

Thanks

Thank you for writing. It’s certainly possible that you are right that you built a defense mechanism in response to early rejection. There’s an old expression: “You can’t fire me. I quit.” It’s possible that you protected yourself from rejection by deciding that you didn’t care about acceptance. This isn’t to say that you consciously made up your mind to give up on people. Little kids don’t function that way. But they do learn to stay away from what hurts them. What makes me very, very sad in your story is that no adult recognized the problem or protected or helped you. No little kid should be subjected to that kind of cruelty. No little kid should be left to figure it out on their own.

No. It’s not “normal” to be a complete social isolate. People tend to be pack animals. They need others around them to survive and thrive. It’s not necessary to have a huge circle of friends to be okay. Some people are fine with only a couple of close, intimate friends. Introverts are as okay as extroverts. I would just hate to have you go through life without the support, warmth, and mutual trust of real friendships. Yes, you really would be missing something.

You say you have next to no motivation to change. You didn’t say you have none. I suggest you use whatever little motivation you have to explore your feelings about this issue in the safety and acceptance that therapy can offer. A therapist won’t try to talk you into being different. But he or she will help you take a new look at your early experience as well as your present life. Together you’ll decide if you have some goals around relating people that you want to work on.

You didn’t get the help you needed as a child. Your adult self can make sure you get some support and guidance now. I hope you will give yourself that opportunity.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 16, 2022 0 comments

Should I Seek Help?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 20, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I know I am introvert type person, but what I’m having trouble with is that I dislike people. I won’t say hate them nor would I wish them harm but I find it very hard to tolerate people…I think people in general are idiots. Because of my generally dislike of people and view that they are all idiots don’t matter if you had higher education everyone is an idiot and people are nasty creatures. It have me worry, I’m unemployed at the moment and when I think about working with people I get very… discourage. I don’t want to interact with anyone. I find making small talk and meeting new people to be very hard. I feel overwhelmed thinking about interacting with other people. I want to but at the same time I don’t, I start to think what would I say, i’ll sound like an idiot, I’m not intelligent person. I also just don’t like being around them, but at the same time I do get lonely and I want company. But when I have company I just them to go away. For the few people I do know personally I don’t really like them that much. That goes with my family also, I love my mother, father and brother but at the same time I really dislike them and would like to be free from them. I have 1 friend that I like but I don’t like hanging out with her too much i feel that if I do I’ll start to dislike her as well. I also worry about become to attach and depend of her. I worry that if our friendship will break apart that we will grow apart and that I will be hurt.

Another thing that I am worry about is that I get depressed, I know I won’t do it just because I think about my family and also that I vow that if I do try again I will succeed. I get sad a lot thinking about how my life is now, about my past of what I did, didn’t do, about my lack in relationship and friendship. I find I wish that I was dead a lot. A lot of time can go by where I’m neutral I’m not happy but I don’t think about being dead or just being gone from everyone be it death or just leaving. I find happiness to be a fleeting emotion that only last a second so most time I’ll say I’m neutral not sad but not happy at all.. But when I do get depressed I will lock myself away in my room normally 3 day sometime my family will drag me out and I will make an effort and spend time with them but I will be upset and hate them, will really want to just be gone. I may go years without doing that but I will think from time to time that I wish I had died. I try suicide about 10 year ago and was hospitalized before that during my high school year I had plan many time how I will end my life and try twice before my last one I think. I’m not worry that I will kill myself but I do worry that I still want to and that I wish that I was dead. I think that I need to get help them but it will pass and I’ll be okay. I also worry that if do try to speak to some in person that I will lie or just act like everything is okay. I also think that other people out that have really worry and that I would be okay I’m made it this far. But I don’t think its health but I’m unsure.

An other thing is my sexuality, I can go years without sex I find that I want a relationship not for any sexualy need but for a companiship. I worry that if I do find someone that I wont be very sexualy active with them. I then worry what if they don’t want sex also because I do want sex but it’s not my driving force on why I want to find someone. I find myself only wanting to be with someone because I don’t want to die alone but I find it hard to think about being with one. I don’t enjoy the idea of being naked in front of another person. I also have an issues of how I dress, I’m female and I love my feminine body but sometime I feel the need to be more boyish. A few years ago i had a problem of wanting to dress like a boy and even wanted to change my name to alex. But I felt incomplete because I didn’t want to be a ftm I wanted to be both a female and a male. Now years had pass and I’m no longer want to dress like a boy but I feel that I am obsessed with making sure that I look like a female. I get a lot of facial hair and I get very upset about it. I was born a female, I have all the parts so I shouldn’t have the facial hair that I do.

I want to know why I am the way I am and if there is any hope to change the way I am. I dislike people, I mean I really dislike people. I like being alone but I also want to be with people but feel overwhelmed.I don’t have a lot of confidence, I wonder why I feel I should be born both as male and female. I worry about my desire of being dead. I want to get help but I don’t know who or where to go. I also start thinking that I shouldn’t that I do have a good life. Its not only that I’m sure if I should a professional but I don’t know if it will help at all with my thought. That is what I am asking should I seek help and will it help?

You don’t like others because you are having trouble liking yourself. Yes, it is time to seek help and learn how to treat yourself better and be more comfortable in your own skin. If you aren’t okay with you — you will have a difficult time being okay with others. The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find a therapist in your area. He or she can help you feel better about yourself — which is a good place to start.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

April 20, 2021 0 comments

Gender Confusion

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 3, 2011

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am currently in a situation that I believe needs serious attention to. I am a 18 year old male who first had thoughts questioning my gender when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I remember when I was playing with my friend she use to let me wear some of her clothing, and the first time she let me, I remember that moment as feeling comfortable in clothes that seem to ‘suit’ me. And so after that I would dress up as a girl every time I got to spend time with her. (Which was almost everyday). But just as this feeling of happiness seemed to have settled, I had to move due to my families economic troubles. After moving, I never really had a home to call home because every 1-2 years we had to move, which in turn, made me an introvert. (which is still continuing). At this point I gave up on reality and myself, but for some odd reason I am still fascinated by reality. Reality, to me, in the philosophical sense, gives me the ability to cope with this ‘depression’ of my gender, that, as well as dreams. But me trying to cope with these feelings quickly wore off…And as my teenage years approached I began having lucid dreams of being a girl. (Being still in my teenage years, I always thought that this was a condition reserved to the adolescent simply because of the questions of myself to reality, visa versa). In these dreams I would be in a 1st person view looking down at myself and interacting with the created projections in my dreams. Until one day I had one of the most realistic lucid dreams I could ever have. I was looking at myself in a mirror for the first time and had an over whelming sense of peace come to me, unfortunately I had to wake up for school. Now each and every time I awake from these dreams I would cry just to feel happiness that was brought to me in these dreams. (Lasted from 12 to present time). Since then it’s been hard to live in my body without feeling annoyed and depressed with my male attributes. It’s become an increasing difficulty for me to sleep and have an appetite for food…I have brought this to my parents attention (no friends on the account that I try and no one seems to want to know me, visa versa). Unfortunately, my parents always seem to “forget” my want for a therapist and/or psychotherapist even after the countless times of reminding them. (I believe it’s because of our finances). I understand that this is a difficult matter to both me and my family. Also, recently I have been forgetting things I would normally be able to remember, it has gotten to the point where it’s hard for me to remember if yesterday as even existed…I would be extremely thankful if you could provide advice on how I should continue.

Don’t stop reminding your parents that you want to see a therapist. Have a serious conversation about the fact that you need help. If finances are an issue, then suggest that they take you to a community mental health center (CMHC). CMHCs provide cheaper mental health services. They often charge a sliding scale fee. A sliding scale fee is based on an individual’s or family’s’ income. This essentially means paying what you can afford.

It seems as though you might have depression and it may be getting worse. As you indicated, it’s becoming increasingly difficult for you to sleep. There is a decrease in your appetite. You noticed a change in your mood. You’re also experiencing short-term memory loss. These are all symptoms associated with depression. The depression is likely related to gender confusion.

There are others who also feel they were born the wrong gender. Like you, their longing to be the opposite gender began as a child. Some experience this urge so strongly that as adults they undergo major surgery to change their assigned sex. Transgender is the generic term used to describe individuals who do not feel comfortable with their assigned sex. Transsexual is the general term used to describe individuals who have undergone gender reassignment surgery.

I would recommend reading educational material about transgender issues. The public library is a good place to start. You can also search the Internet for “transgender resources. ” The Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD) website has information that you might find helpful.

I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

May 3, 2011 0 comments