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My Husband Is Like Dr. Jeckyll And Mr. Hyde

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I love my husband. I will start by saying this. When I first met him he was the most amazing man I’d ever met. Then I started seeing his anger. He never hits me; but there is emotional abuse. As far as us being in public or with my family he is not my husband. He puts on a fake faced as he hates himself. He has told me this. He does have some things that bother him from his past as well. When we talk intimately it is amazing. He loves me, our daughter and would do anything for us. When I tell him he needs to fix things he cries and apologizes and does for what used to be a month or so and now is about a week or less. He he is so easily irritated. He snaps in a second. He says mean and hurtful things about. Little things for example like me asking him a question about his day or something we are planning to do makes him insane sometimes. He is constantly being disrespectful and mean. He knows it really hurts me so he has tried to calm it down. So he no longer calls me derogatory names often. I also can see he is trying to be a good man. He got a job for the first time that lasted over 3 months. I know he cares or he wouldn’t try to improve. So these are positives. Now the negatives are he snaps over nothing, he is constantly berating me and basically emotionally abusing me. He can’t help but point out how stupid I am or any flaw I have. He has major anger issues which do NOT extend to violence, although he used to get into multiple physical fights with others, but he has made me question having him around my daughter. He swears at me in front of her. He has held her close and screamed in her face. She is only two and she is scared of her father. She doesn’t want to be around him and refuses to hug or kiss him. This hurts him so I try to facilitate her giving him affection because 1/2 of the time he is amazing, but she flat out doesn’t want it. To summarize he has extremely wonderful highs where he is amazing. He is so easily angered that myself, his mom, his dad, his sister, and my daughter are walking on egg shells. He refuses to get help. What do I do.

You are in a difficult situation. You love your husband. There are many positive qualities about him but also some negative qualities, namely the emotional abuse. You, in particular, are a target of his abuse, as is your daughter. Unfortunately, that will not likely change as long as he refuses to seek help.

If he cannot change, cannot control his behavior and refuses to seek help then you have a difficult decision to make. Your options, as I see them, would include:

1. staying in the marriage and tolerating the abuse;
2. giving him an ultimatum: agree to treatment or else a separation; or
3. consider terminating the relationship.

Of the three, the second option might provide the necessary leverage to begin treatment.

When a loved one refuses to seek help, and their behavior is negatively affecting others, it is often those who are being negatively affected who must act. That seems to be the unfortunate reality in this situation.

I would highly recommend consulting a therapist. A therapist could offer a much-needed objective perspective into this situation. He or she could also gather detailed information about the history of the relationship, advise you about how to handle this problem and offer his or her support during this difficult time.

The primary reason why I am recommending therapy is that you may be in denial about the full reality of your situation. Your love for your husband may be clouding your judgment. Your husband apparently cannot control his behavior and is abusive toward you and your daughter. His abuse is damaging. It is harming you, the relationship and your daughter. The proof is that your daughter is now frightened of your husband. In addition, you characterized your household as one in which all of the family members feel as though they have to “walk on egg shells” when he is present.

There is no simple solution to this problem. That is why I hope that you will consider seeking professional help. Mental health professionals are trained to deal with these very problems. The find help tab, at the top of this page, can help you to locate a mental health professional in your community. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Husband was attracted to a co-worker

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, my husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. We just welcomed a baby in March. Things were always so great – with the minor ups and downs of every relationship, but nothing serious. After the baby I had a little PPD. I was dealing with it on my own and working through it and was feeling better and confident as a mom by 2 months. Things were good. I didn’t want to go back to work, my husband and both wanted me to find another job as I travel quite a bit. So my brother helped me start on a home business. It was going well, but stressful to handle the business and a baby.

We had a birthday dinner planned with my family one night. That day was a busy day, I was a little stressed, baby crying, etc. My husband came home and we got were driving to the restaurant and we started talking about a dinner with a co-worker and her fiance that we were going to the following week. He told me who was going and I asked why a female co-worker was not going, he said she wasn’t invited. I gave him the interrogation of why and asked if he had a crush on her. Don’t ask me why I thought to ask that, I still don’t know. Anyway, after dinner, we were still angry with each other, he was upset that I don’t trust him, etc. But I do trust him. Finally later that night he confessed that he had a crush on a different co-worker, one that we were going to dinner with. She is engaged and I have met her several times.

After that, of course it was question after question. He said that she is just a friend at work. He said that he liked her but put those thoughts in the back of his head. She sits next to him so they would go up to the cafeteria at work once in while and grab coffee, but that was all the one-on-one time they spent together. Everything else was in group settings. He said that she was nice and listed to him about work frustrations and they have a connection on a friendship level. He also said that he was attracted to her and thought of her, but never once intended to act or do anything more than be a friend. He said he thought about telling me he was attracted to her but didn’t know how to say it. He wanted the feelings to go away. He doesn’t love his job and described it as a distraction from work. He said it was like an ego boost as well – he wondered if she liked him too and said it was a nice feeling that she wanted to be his friend. He was trying to get us to hang out more, the four of us, so the feeling would go away. He said he knew he was attracted to right after he started working there – about 1 1/2 ago and the feeling was not constant – it would come and go. I asked him if he ever looked her up on facebook and he said yes he did, out of curiosity. He is too honest with me, I think.

During this time, I got pregnant and we were starting a new phase of our relationship. Not once did I feel any distance or anything wrong between us. I only felt us getting closer. He says the same thing. He said, he loved me more and more and felt very close to me and was looking forward to welcoming our baby and loved the way I looked. He said the feeling he had was completely separate from us and there was nothing I did to make him like her. He also said that there was nothing he was unhappy about in our marriage either. It was just she was friendly, around everyday at work and she was just a different person.

My reaction has been really extreme. He told me this about 2.5 months ago and I’m still having a hard time with it. Since he’s told me he has gone above and beyond in trying to fix things. He has arranged counseling, written love letters, emails basically has poured his heart out to me. I know he is sincere and I do trust him. I just can’t get the thought of him liking and thinking about someone else out of my mind. He said he never felt guilty for having those feelings as he thought they were normal and natural and that everyone experienced them from time to time, he said he never flirted or gave compliments, never went to lunch, never talked outside of work or work functions – he said I never acted and that’s what’s important. He never even thought about acting.

I admitted to him that there was a guy at my work that I was attracted to and could relate to the way he was feeling, but just would’ve never thought to tell him about it because it wasn’t a big deal. He said my experience was the same as his. It was totally insignificant and meaningless, just a distraction. Someone catches your eye and you think about it, it’s a normal curiosity. He is not upset at all about my experience. He said, becuase I trust you. He said you could’ve liked him more and flirted, as long as that’s all it was and I still wouldn’t be as hurt as you are. He said the important thing is that “I love you more than anything and being with you and our family is the only thing I have ever wanted, some other feelings may have been there, but they were insignificant compared to us and what we have.”

He regrets telling me. He said the only harm that came out of this situation was him telling me about it. In a way, I would rather not know. It has caused so much distress and insecurity in me and I just don’t know why. I don’t know how to get it out of my head and move on and be secure again. I cannot understand why I’m still thinking about this and why it is bothering me so much. Everyone keeps telling me it is really normal and the only difference is that you know, most men don’t say anything. They say I’m lucky he is so honest as it shows his integrity. I know we all think of other people and wonder what if, but it’s just really hard knowing, I think.

Can you please help me to understand? In your opinion was his experience wrong or was it just wrong to tell me? How do I move on and be happy again? I want so badly for us to be happy…he does too! He feels so terrible to have hurt me so badly. I feel terrible to hurt him too, he’s hurting too. he hardly talks to anyone at his work anymore and has cut off all personal communication with this girl. I do feel bad, becuase I know he just enjoyed talking with her and that was it. I don’t know why I can’t be mature and just trust he will always do the right thing. I mean I do trust him. I just feel insecure, I guess. I just need to get over it! Please help.
Thank you!

I’m very glad you wrote. You are in danger of creating the very situation you fear. By obsessively calling your husband’s integrity and love into question, you are rocking your relationship and making him wonder if he should be honest with you. You’re miserable. He’s miserable. You have two small children who are undoubtedly sensing that something is wrong between you. Not good.

Let’s get back to basics: It is perfectly normal for friends to feel attraction for each other. As we get to know people well and like them more and more, we see more and more of their attractive qualities. Even people who were not initially attractive to us physically become attractive when we develop the affection and caring of a true friendship. Attraction is an affirmation of that deepening relationship.

Attraction, though, is not the issue. When people are committed to a marriage or a romantic partner, the attraction to a friend or acquaintance is simply noted, perhaps with the passing thought of “if things were different . . .” We go on and simply enjoy our friend and hope that someday someone special will also appreciate her or him. Such friendships are not a threat to a committed relationship.

Your husband wasn’t wrong to acknowledge his attraction to his female friend. You weren’t wrong to see something in your male friend either. Your husband wasn’t wrong to tell you about it. In fact, in a healthy relationship, appreciation for the attractiveness of each other’s friends is often shared — followed up with a hug or a comment that says “but I’m glad I’m with you.”

As you suspect, the problem in your marriage is your extreme reaction to a normal situation. There is no “just” to your level of insecurity. It’s threatening your family. Please consider seeing a therapist to get to the bottom of this. It’s too hard for you – and for your husband – to live this way. Apologize to your husband. Let him know that you do understand that he’s entitled to have his friendships and to be at ease at work. Then ask for his support as you focus on settling your own issues so that the two of you, and your children, can enjoy the loving family that is possible for all of you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Two years of constantly fighting

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My wife and I are almost 30. We’ve been married for two years, and I can count on my fingers the amount of times I have had a peaceful time with my wife. Here again are the holidays and all hell is breaking loose, evidenced by the finger scratch marks on the side of my neck from a fight last night. I have been faithful to my wife, i have tried to take care of things around the house to the best of my ability but she is constantly unhappy- says “I’m not happy.”

She fights with me alot and calls me often on the phone at work picking a fight. Every morning, its very uneasy around the house because she’ll start getting mad, then she’ll start yelling at me about something that happened a week prior. I try to be kind in the morning and hug her, but she’ll push me away, or call me repulsive. The other day she said i had a wierd looking body.

When the fighting starts, I am no saint, I throw things or get angry- she keeps coming with the insults, and when i try to walk out of the house then she says , “Come back.” But its only to get yelled at some more.

She works in a pretty demanding job and is on call most weeks and weekends, its dealing in the medical field, so she doesn’t see a pretty sight at the other end. I know some of the stress is from that. Also, she has a medical condition which puts her at risk for having children, so she is afraid and marriage is essentially sexless- I am okay with it, because she doesn’t want the anxiety, also, its hard to be romantic when my mornings and nights are filled with fighting.

When fighting isn’t going on and she is quiet- I get nervous because I don’t know if she is in a good mood or bad mood. I also found that the reverse affect is happening, and I am getting quiet. In previous relationships, I would have my moments with my significant other, but for the most part, I had a great time and holidays actually were a ton of fun. There is also a family element, she hates my mom, and her brother has gotten into 3 arguments with me already, in one case the cops were called, he’s pretty uncomfortable to be around- he tends to pace alot and i never know if he is being sincere about things or just fake because he can’t stand me. One time we took the argument over to her families, and pretty much her dad and brother came at me and her mom had to hold them back. That was the last time i took any fights into their house.

She started counseling for anger, and wants me to go as well, I have been to one counselor but they make me feel uncomfortable, so I haven’t sought anything- I am pretty much okay until i am instigated, I don’t have the power to walk away from a fight- and if I did, I’d be walking out the door almost everyday.

I don’t know if i fooled myself into believing i love her because i put up with this nonsense, or if i will put up withit because i don’t want to go through the stress of a divorce. We both talked with a counselor, the one she is seeing again, he thinks we are at the periphery of a normal relationship and that i have something called disrhythmic aggression- I can’t recall the exact wording, but its basically if my life gets out of sorts or something gets messed up, i tend to get really angry.

You two must have something going for you to put up with all the fighting. That gives me hope for your marriage. But even the greatest love can be worn out by constant conflict. Let me see if I understand what you said. I think you said that when things are easy, they’re easy. It’s when you’re “instigated” that you fight. Sounds to me like this is a problem. It’s when things aren’t easy that we find out what we’re really made of. You two have a very limited repertoire for dealing with emotional upset or stress. You either walk out or cause such a dustup that the original issue gets lost.

Of course counseling makes you uncomfortable. Counseling asks you to sit with your feelings and to deal. The discomfort means you are actually beginning to do the work you need to do. My best advice to you is that you and your wife stick with the counselor. Let him see how you fight so that he can understand why issues are so sensitive that you’d rather fight than deal. Your counselor will then help you learn some new ways to understand each other and some new tools for managing emotions. If you do your share by listening and practicing, you and your wife may yet be able to make a peaceful marriage.

I wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

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GAD Personality Disorder

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I was discharged from the military two years ago, with what they diagnosed as GAD, and Personality Disorder. Since then, I feel like my mental health has worsened. The medicine I was taking, made me feel even worse, and side effects included night terrors, and sexual problems. I stopped taking it because I lost my job due to illness, and could no longer afford my medicine, and things actually seemed to improve at first. However, here lately my panic and anxiety has worsened, I feel paranoid at times, and I switch emotions at the drop of the hat. I also have hallucinations at times, and even hear things. I even sometimes feel like I have delusions of grandeur. Is it possible to have psychosis, be bi-polar, depressed, paranoid, and a megalomaniac all at the same time? And could these symptoms just be a part of the GAD or Personality Disorder, or is it likely that it’s something else entirely? What is the line between delusions of grandeur and self-esteem? Don’t we all want to feel like we have a purpose, or that our lives are important? Do these sort of things sometimes impair one’s ability to work, even with medication?

You have asked many good questions, all of which are difficult to answer because I have limited information about your situation. Generally speaking, it is possible to have symptoms of a variety of psychological disorders simultaneously. I cannot say with certainty if you have any of the disorders that you described. I would need to interview you in person to determine which disorders you may or may not have.

Paranoia is generally not associated with anxiety disorders; however, it would depend on how you are defining paranoia. Paranoia is associated with two main personality disorders, paranoid personality disorder and schizotypal personality disorder.

Delusions of grandeur refer to the belief that one is extraordinarily powerful and influential. It is not based on reality. Self-esteem is related to confidence level. If you struggle with the ability to determine the difference between what is reality and what isn’t, then professional assistance would be recommended.

Having serious psychological symptoms can impair one’s ability to work and to function on a daily basis. It would be advisable to have a psychological evaluation to determine your mental health status. The symptoms you have described are troubling. They seem to be interfering with your life and causing you distress. They should be eliminated as soon as possible.

You have tried medication with limited success. I would suggest that you continue searching for the right medication. I know that process can be frustrating but finding the right medication can significantly decrease your symptoms.

You should also try counseling. A therapist can help you to stay grounded in reality and teach you strategies for dealing with your problematic symptoms. Never be accepting of psychological symptoms. Many treatments exist that can significantly decrease or eliminate them from your life. I wish you the best. Please take care

Dr. Kristina Randle
@DrKRandle

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Trapped, pregnant and cheated on

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My bf and I have been together for just over 3 years. I am very aware that we don’t have a healthy relationship, but I can’t bring myself to move on. We’ve been on and off and on and off. He has addiction problems and when he drinks he calls me names and says really hurtful things. He’s cheated on me numerous times and then a few weeks later he always says how sorry he his and how he’ll never do it again (cheating/drinking/name calling/yelling/pushing. I can’t go anywhere without him constantly asking who im with or where i am, as a result i have lost ALL contact with my friends and slowly with my family.

I am 5 months pregnant, we were going to put the baby up for adoption but he changed his mind (leagally all i can do is give up parental rights and the baby goes to him if he refuses to sign adoption papers). I feel trapped. He’s in jail for the next two years as of a month ago, i have no support from him, he lost his job 3 weeks before he went to jail and left me to pay the rent by myself. On top of all this i just found out that he cheated on me when i was 4 months pregnant. I don’t understand how he could do that when we were living together and he knew very well that i was expecting as he’d already been to ultrasounds with me.

I know our relationship is unhealthy, im not happy. He always blames me for everything (his drinking, the fact he cheated, the reason he’s in jail….which was 2 years ago he assaulted someone and assisted his friend in a robbery. i was at home that night)

I feel so lost right now, I dont know what to do.. I know I need to get out of the relationship because when I was 13 weeks pregnant we had gotten in an argument and he threw me to the ground, I called the cops the arrested him and were going to charge him (he then called me saying if I didn’t have the charges dropped he would have nothing to do with the baby) So I lied and said I made the story up to get the assault charges dropped, even though I was taken to the hosptial afterwards and the police have pictures of my injuries. I dont understand why I am so attached to someone who continually hurts me. I dont get why I can’t say enoughs enough and try to regain control of my life. i know it’s the best thing to do but i cant bring myself to do it.

You’ve been with this guy since you were only 16. My guess is that you have so little experience with relationships that you are terrified to leave this one. It’s all you’ve known. Your story is the story of thousands upon thousands of women who get trapped in abusive relationships. You know you should leave but you think you can’t. Your boyfriend has isolated you from your supports and threatened you and your baby. He’s convinced you everything is your fault. (It’s not.) Of course you’re scared.

The good news is that he is out of your life for awhile. Use the time he’s in jail to get some better information and to develop some supports. Your province has a network of women’s shelters. Go to this website.
You may not need a shelter but you certainly need the information and referrals that these organizations can provide for you. Get some counseling. Join a support group. Get more information about your legal rights.

I don’t know why you dropped charges when he said he’d have nothing to do with the baby. That sounds good to me. If you can’t bring yourself to get out of this situation for yourself, I hope you can think of your baby. This man is not someone you want to bring up your child.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My mom’s changed

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Well my dad lives out of state due to his job, and in our house is basically just me my mom and my other 3 siblings(which are younger then me). My mom has changed so much with time, shes stopped caring for us, its like were barely related to her, she wasn’t like this at all.

Its been about 2 months and my mom has had this friend, who basically comes over every night to our house and leaves at like midnight or 1am. she tells me hes just a friend and whatever. well i really don’t feel comfortable with him coming over and all.

well yesterday i saw in her rooms window stuff which i wish i had never seen, i cant even describe it, even thinking about it makes me cry. i came upstairs and cried , i couldn’t bear it and told my sister(who’s about 2 years younger than me). we both were in great shock, i couldn’t sleep the whole night just thinking that my mother would ever cheat on my dad like this.

i have no idea what to do, and i really want this to finish, i cant tell my dad because he would definitely divorce her, and if i tell my mom she’ll probably yell at me and wont agree with me, and i have a feeling this guy wont leave her this quick, the way she describes him (as a friend), and i have a feeling if my mom even tells him to leave her, then he’ll start blackmailing my mom, and this issue would end up famous in our whole family, and i can definitely not live with people talking stuff against us because of my mom. i don’t understand what to do. its like I’m just stuck in the middle of something which has no solution. Please someone help me, and tell me what to do.

I’m so, so sorry you find yourself in the middle like this. It sounds to me like your mother is in some kind of emotional trouble. It’s not just that she’s having an affair. She’s stopped caring for children who are too young to be without a mother. You say this isn’t like her.

I think you need to tell your mother what you’ve seen. As hard as it will be, don’t accuse her or blame her. That will just make her defensive and angry. Instead, tell her how worried you are about her and how scared you are for the family. If she gets angry, tell her that you’re the one who has the right to be angry but you’re just mostly scared; that you need your mother; that you and the other kids need their family. I understand that this is a lot to ask of you. But you’re asking even more of yourself if you decide you and your sister should keep such a difficult secret.You love your dad as well as your mom.

Ask your mom to get you and your sister out of the middle. Suggest she get a counselor to help her sort out what to do. Tell her she needs to be the one to talk to your dad. It’s not fair to leave you feeling like you are betraying him by keeping quiet.

If all this gets to be too much, seek out a counselor at school or talk to your minister or rabbi if you have one. Professionals like these honor confidentiality. They can give you important support during this difficult time.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What is wrong with me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Its been years since i really enjoyed..well anything. I can sit down and like doing something, tv, books, chores, walking the dog, or just going for a run. I am capable of getting up and doing it all. I do what needs to be done. I have never really had a favorite color, or favorite TV show or even a favorite thing to do. I like everything yet I like nothing. I feel indifferent about everything i do. To include work and everyday chores. I do it because i know i have to and because i have kids that are depending on me or it is my responsibility. I find myself crying over everything. I cried when i read some of the other posts because they explain some of the feelings i have that i can’t seem to explain. I cried over my kids eating breakfast and i am starting to cry over this because i feel stupid for not knowing why i constantly feel ‘not normal”. Lately i feel like i am making it all up in my head. Its like i so desperately want some one to give me an answer for everything that I am making it all up. That there is really nothing wrong with me and everyone feels like this.

Now to come full circle. With all of this inadequacy that i feel at work i wonder if its the job. I have looked at other work. But because nothing really makes me happy would leaving really benefit me. I have never known what i wanted to do and i know i could make plenty of money staying where i am being miserable or i quit and face the same problems in another career field. I am so afraid of disappointing the people at work by quitting that i would rather have been in a total wreck to where i couldn’t go any more. My memory has been failing me lately, to a point my husband wants me to be check out; I would rather have a brain tumor than face my boss and have him hold a grudge for me not being able to handle all of this (more tears).

I feel almost like the things that happened with my ex caused me to start this downward spiral. I want an answer to what is wrong but fear the answer. HELP!

I didn’t include all of your long letter because the most important part of it involves your feelings. It sounds to me like you may have been suffering from dysthymia for some time. Dysthymia is a mood disorder where the individual is chronically depressed but at a lower intensity than in a full blown depression. As you report, it can go on for years and it can make life feel endlessly gray. I don’t know if your negative experiences with the former boyfriend are at the root of it. It may be that you would feel this way even if you’d never met him. He gave you reason to be angry and sad but it’s possible he only worsened an ongoing condition. As far as the job: It’s just true that wherever you go, there you will be. Changing the job won’t change your mood. Changing location won’t either. If the man you are with is a good guy, leaving the relationship also isn’t likely to help.

Instead, you need to see a mental health counselor. Bring your letter with you. You wrote an eloquent description of what you’ve experienced and felt. Your counselor will be able to hear more details and will be able to make a more sophisticated assessment. The two of you will then discuss treatment options. Some medication may be helpful to lift your mood a little so you will have the energy and interest to take better care of yourself and to take better care of your family. Some therapy will give you both some much-needed support and some practical ways to manage your gray moods.

You made an important first step in writing. Please follow through and get the help you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Mother is negative about everything and alienating the family

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am writing you because I do not know what else to do. I am a 26 year old female who recently left her home and family to make a family of her own. My father and brother both commited suicide, my father when I was 10 and my brother when I was 24. I have a sister who is my best friend but my mother is the issue. My mother was always very compassionate, empathetic and loving but after her divorce from her second marriage, she cares about nothing. She is disabled and has very little money, no job, no partner and suffers from depression. I am getting married next month and had mentioned that I would like to celebrate my marriage with just my fiancee and myself. My mother was very upset with me and refused to talk to me for 3 days. My fiancee and myself then planned a small wedding including 30 guests, fancy wedding and a reception. As the wedding came closer I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed and the realization that my father and brother would not be there was heavy on my heart. I began crying everyday thinking about my wedding and how its simplicty was lost in stupid things like what color the napkins should be and how large the cake should be. I know that deep down I really just wanted to have a wedding completely focused on my marriage vows and really focus on the love that my fiancee and I share. I finally got the courage to ask my mother for her advise and help with being so upset. She laughed at me and told me I was just like my father (who never liked to be the center or attention and I am indeed like him in that way) and that I needed to suck it up and shut up about it. I told her that the reason I was miserable was because I had planned my entire wedding putting her first by including everyone and making it like every other American wedding and did not listen to my heart. She laughed at me when I told her this and says she doesnt even remember being upset about it and genuine said she really doesnt care. I want to tell my mother how much this hurts me and how she is alienating herself from her entire family but I am scared because she has mentioned suicide before and I feel that she does not have anything in her life that she feels is important or that she cares about. She is currently taking medication for depression and only has negative words to say when I speak with her. What should I do?

First, and most important: Congratulations on your marriage to a man you truly love. Please don’t let the wedding overshadow what’s really important. A wedding takes hours. A marriage should be for a lifetime. If the family wedding is something you’re doing for others, I do suggest that you and your fiance also have your own private ceremony that is just for you where you can focus on your love and your vows. You can go to a justice of the peace or the two of you can simply go to some beautiful spot and repeat your vows to each other.

I’m so, so sorry about your losses which now number three: Your father, your brother, and your mother. You’ve “lost” your mother, at least for now, to her depression. Please don’t listen to her words. The things she said about your wedding are the depression talking. Like you, she has lost two people she loved. Unlike you, she hasn’t found a way to move forward. My guess is that the laughter isn’t about ridicule or amusement. It’s a cover for anxiety and pain. I’m very concerned that she has talked about suicide. If you can, see if you can go with her to talk to whoever is prescribing for her. The prescriber needs to know how serious her symptoms are. She may not be as forthcoming as she could be. Further, she needs more than medication. She needs a therapist to provide additional support and guidance during this difficult time.

It’s just true that sometimes when people need help the most, they push it away. It may be helpful to organize some of your closest relatives to support your mom. Make an appointment for a consultation with a mental health professional to help you all understand effective ways to help her. I can’t guarentee it will work but I think you’ll feel better if you know you’ve tried everything possible.

Please remember that you carry your father and brother with you in your heart. It’s tragic that the only way they could figure out to end their pain was to suicide. Like your mother, they were too caught in their own feelings to think about how their actions might affect you and the others who loved them. To me, that means that their pain was very big, not that their love for you was too small. I hope you can focus on positive memories and celebrate that your father lives on in the ways you are like him.

I wish you and your family well.
Dr. Marie

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Life Not Going Well And Considering Suicide

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am writing you because I recently received some sessions at a local community therapy clinic and I don’t feel like we accomplished anything there. I am constantly thinking about suicide, or (I’m ashamed to say) faking a suicide so that I can get help. I was fired from my job about 2 months ago and haven’t been able to get another one. I recently started college and I am having to appeal a financial aid denial due to missing dropping the one class I registered for when I was 17. I have no family to look to for financial support and my situation gets more and more desperate every day.

If all is trying to look for a job and go to school while sleeping on the streets with no help or support from anyone I know, what really is the point of going on? I wonder, how is an able bodied, 25 year old male, with no family, supposed to get any support in this world?

It is good that you have begun your therapy at your community mental health agency but you think it may not be helping. Talk to your therapist and be honest about the fact that you feel your work together is not effective. In many clinics, it is relatively common for clients to try several therapists before they find a suitable match.

In addition to individual therapy, you should also consider group therapy. Some individuals prefer group therapy over individual therapy. There are several advantages of group therapy, including: increased support, increased feedback, increased interactional opportunities, and the chance to practice and to develop social skills. The more people that you can make a positive connection with, the better you will feel. Group therapy is also generally less expensive when compared to individual therapy.

You may also want to investigate the counseling services offered by your college. Most colleges provide their students with short-term, professional mental health care free of charge.

If you were to get a job or were granted the necessary financial aid to continue college, I believe that your mindset would change. It is important to keep your situation in perspective. It is a difficult time in your life but that can change. There are many ups and downs in life. That is true for everyone.

Your lack of social support is also contributing to the problem. If you had more support from friends or from family, then you would be less likely to consider suicide. That is one reason why it is imperative for you to stay connected to a mental health agency, and you can do this by joining a support group or by finding a different therapist.

Individuals who are considering suicide often view their life situation through a prism of hopelessness. Their difficult situation is temporary but they don’t see it that way. They have difficulty envisioning an end to their suffering. Understandably they want their pain to end. Getting help is the answer, not suicide.

I would recommend that you read this article about individuals who attempted suicide and survived. One of the most important messages of the article is that the individuals who attempted suicide and survived were thankful to have lived. In the depths of depression, they incorrectly predicted that their lives would never improve. They were fortunate enough to live to see their lives improve.

Don’t stop trying to get help. Try other therapists. Investigate other types of treatment such as group therapy or psychiatric medication. Remember that even though your life is difficult now it can change. Call 911 or go to the emergency room if you feel that you cannot keep yourself safe. I wish you the best. Take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Confused about what I want to do with my life

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a 18 year old male who is very confused about what I want to do with my life. I honestly have no idea what I want to do nor a small hint of what I want to do. I recently dropped out of my first year of college because I really did not like what i was doing and now want to have a gap year to try to find what I want to do. Just today i found out what my dad really thinks of me. Which really hurt me. He believes I’m going no where in my life and is disappointed in what I am turning into. I have little motivation and I somehow can not get motivated no matter how i try it doesn’t work for me. With my father we never really connected but i never knew he felt that way. i dont know it just really hurts when my father says he’s disappointed in what I am. I also am very scared of my future and i just want to know what is right for me and i cant find it. I would love to have advise on how to deal with these situations. Mostly on making a better relationship with my father and on what to do with my future.

I thank you in advance

Thank you for writing. It’s possible that part of what is going on between you and your dad is generational. When he was 18, he probably didn’t feel he had the choice to be floundering. He just had to work. It’s hard for him to understand that you are more typical of your age group than not. It’s an unusual 18-year-old these days who is certain about what they want to do with their life.

The other issue that stands between you is that your dad is worried about you. He may not express it in the best way but I suspect he just wants to know that you’re going to be okay. It’s an occupational hazard for parents.

My suggestion is this: Do something. Almost anything. Any job you take will help you figure out what you do and don’t want to do with your life. You may find elements in the job that feel right and you may not. But you will get more information. Then try something else. As you gain experience with different options, it will start to become clear where your interests and talents lie. And don’t tell me you’re not motivated. You don’t have to be. All you have to do is get started. Sitting in your confusion isn’t going to give you any new information. Trying some things out will.

Once you get a job, let your dad know that you are as concerned as he is and that you are taking steps to figure it out. Tell him that his support in the project means a great deal to you. Invite him to talk with you about what you learn about each job. Once he sees you actively working on taking care of yourself, he’ll be more able to be supportive.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Inadequacy & Job Rejection Have Led to Depression

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I have big goals, big dreams, big hopes for the future. I’ve built my life on working toward accomplishing these dreams. I’m generally a really optimistic, ambitious person. Anything I set my mind to, I succeed at in some way.

Until this year. It’s been a year of consistent, debilitating disappointments. I wrote a book and put my heart into it. I polished it and sent it out into the world. I received 30 rejections.

I’m a newly qualified teacher with two Masters degrees and $100,000 of student loan debt. I’ve applied for dozens of jobs and haven’t even gotten an interview.

I can’t stop the feelings of inadequacy and being not good enough because I’m LITERALLY not good enough. It’s been confirmed by 30 rejection letters and dozens of job applications unanswered. Nobody wants what I’m offering, even after I’ve worked my entire life to be prepared. I only have one person to talk to–my mom–and she’s insistent that I’m just being “negative”. This makes me feel so much worse. All I’d need to feel better is a few words of sympathy, but when I explain that, she says she can’t solve my problems for me (I don’t want her to, I just want to feel like I’m not alone). We both want me to move out, but seeing as I have no money and no chance of a job no matter how much I apply, I’m stuck here. It’s so unhealthy. My heart constricts just thinking about staying here another year.

This is the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I’ve always been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel in the past, but this past year’s disappointments has obliterated the optimistic girl who could find the silver lining in everything.

You are obviously an intelligent and motivated woman who’s taken many steps to be successful in the workplace, so it makes sense that being unemployed and having multiple book rejections would be totally discouraging! It sounds to me like living at home isn’t helping either. Have you asked for your mom specifically for empathy and emotionally support? I suggest you let her know exactly what you’re looking for, even giving her the exact words, when you share your struggles with her. You mentioned that she’s the “only” one you have to talk to – why is that?

I suggest that the first step you take is to branch out socially so you have additional support during this difficult time.  Try getting involved in some community groups that interest you, like book groups or hiking groups, for example.  Consider spending some time volunteering. Look for ways to broaden your circle of associates and friends beyond you mother.

Since your current employment efforts aren’t going as planned, it might be time to get more creative in your problem solving by taking your passions, gifts, and training, and refocusing them temporarily. Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about.

Housing: What about looking for a housing situation where you manage an apartment complex in exchange for rent, or you check in on an elderly person in exchange for living in a basement apartment?

Employment: What about applying to non-teaching jobs while you’re waiting for the right teaching opportunity to come along? Any job will allow you to save money and move out on your own so you’re not “stuck” living with your mom. Consider refocusing your teaching experience by developing a course for community education classes in the evenings, for example.

Writing: How about taking your love of writing and looking into writing a column for a local newspaper or website while you’re waiting for opportunities to get your book published? Have you looked into self-publishing options?

My personal and professional experiences have taught me that, even when things don’t go as planned, no life experience is ever wasted. Many professional opportunities I’ve had have come through developing a network of personal and professional relationships that have opened up doors that I didn’t even know existed. As you expand social circles you’ll be developing key relationships that will likely open doors for you, too.

Thanks for writing in. Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Lonely and Depressed in New Town

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am sometimes happy, then lonely and depressed. Let me start by saying, I am 21 and very happy most of the time. I will have days where I am singing and whistling, where I feel like I have the best life. Then there are days like today. I will give a bit of back story. I just moved to Chicago from Michigan. It is the first time I have lived on my own outside my parents home. I came for a job and eventually school. I was happy at home, but felt it was high time I got out and learned who I was on my own. I was kind of stuck in a rut in Michigan and felt like I had no time to figure out my own life. So now I have just moved here. I will only have been here a month come the 2nd of August. I love my job, my apartment and the point in my life I’m in. It feels like I have found my place. But then I wake up like I did today. I wake up feeling lonely, lost, sad and like I want to cry for no reason. I am not really home sick because I talk to my family every day. I don’t miss being home… but I think I miss human interaction. At home I was the social person who loved asking how people where and giving hugs. I was always a very touchy feely person. Now here, I don’t know anyone. I have no friends and have had no physical contact for a month. I want so badly to make friends but I have no idea how to start. It is always very easy to chat with people at a store and talking for the first time with them is no problem. It’s the next step I can’t seem to know what to do. How do you turn someone you chat with at a store into a friend. When I think about asking someone out for a drink or something like that, I start thinking very self deprecating things. Like, why would they want to become friends with me, they probably have lots of them. They are probably just talking with me to be nice. I can’t seem to get those thoughts out of my head. I have also started thinking that my friends back home don’t even miss me. I don’t hear from them that much and I doubt if I really was even their friend, or if we just got together because we knew each other for so long. The friends I had, I have had for more then 10 years. I really don’t have any new friends that I would consider to be close friends. I have people that I got together with every now and then, but I never felt that closeness. I wonder if thats because of me. I just don’t know how to start building that friend base again. And how to stop thinking those hurtful things about myself. I have the same problem with boyfriends. I am 21… and have never had a boyfriend. I have been asked out by men in the past, ones I have even likes, but I could never go out with them. I even have several dating site profiles with men asking me out and I can never take the next step to do it. I am so afraid they will reject me. That they will be disappointed with what they see when they meet me. That they will look at me and then just stay for the date because they have to. I am so sick out doubting myself. I am not a bad looking person I don’t think, but I can’t ever really believe that. I can’t believe that someone else would find me even good looking. I just want to be content with myself. I am content with my life in all other things but those two. Relationships with friends and relationships with boyfriends. What should I do?

I think you have correctly indentified the main problem, which is that you are lonely, and you have yet to develop relationships in your new town. An additional issue is that you are doubting yourself. Continued negative self-talk is leading to diminished self-confidence. If it continues, you risk being trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and a lack of self-confidence.

How can you prevent this? Try to override the negative self-talk and force yourself to begin interacting with people. You have the ability to connect with others. The proof is that you have a long history of successful relationships with many people.

It is important to be as logical as possible. You are new in town. You left your hometown, where you lived for 21 years. You have been in your new town for a very short time. It takes time to meet new people and to develop relationships. It would be incorrect to conclude that just because you haven’t yet connected with others, you won’t ever do so. I believe it is simply a matter of time. Remind yourself of that when you are evaluating your current situation.

If you continue to have difficulty, you may want to see a therapist for a few sessions. Connecting with a therapist would help you to see your experience from the correct perspective. In addition, he or she can help you to maintain objectivity in this situation. The therapist may also have ideas for how you can meet new friends. It takes time to adjust to a new living situation and the support of a therapist might help to make this easier. I hope this helps. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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How to get over a horrible boyfriend who dumped me and now marrying his ex

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

MY ex was horrible to me. We were together for 3 years and he’s kicked me out more times than I could count. Kicked me out on Christmas even at 2am (so technically it was Christmas). Conceived a child with his baby mama while we were together. His baby mama’s sister and her friends jumped me and he did little to help me. Then kicked me out 3 days later because I told my family about it. He didn’t want to tell his baby mama we were still together because he didn’t want anymore “drama.” And despite all of that when he quit his job because his baby mama had filed child support I allowed him and his uncle to move in with me and for 3 months I took care of him while he and his uncle sat in the house playing Xbox. After those 3 months he apparently found a job and didn’t tell me and moved out without me knowing (he actually called me and stalled me at the grocery store while he moved!!) So 2 weeks after that incident I rebounded with an ex boyfriend and got pregnant but because initially because the tech was a little off (which was corrected at my first prenatal app. I found out I was pregnant when I went to ER for a pain in stomach) I was honest with him and told him he may not be the father and he knew that more than likely he wasn’t. And he stayed with me my whole pregnancy and encouraged me to include the real father, so when my son was born I did just that, but he didn’t like that and 3 months ago he dumped me after I refused to help him on a down payment on a car (honestly I didn’t even cry when he dumped me I felt so relieved I didn’t even bother to call him or anything but he ended up calling me a week later. Usually we would get back together after a breakup but I didn’t even suggest it because I didn’t want it) and now he’s marrying his baby mama in September. He was horrible and I shouldn’t even have feelings of love for that man. How do I get over this? I don’t even want him back so I don’t understand why it upsets me so much.

I am glad you realize that your ex wasn’t good to you and that there is something not okay about wanting to stay in a relationship that was so abusive and damaging.

The work here isn’t so much about getting over him, as to be getting into you. You need to reclaim your life and focus on self-care, intellectual and emotional growth. I recommend you start refocusing your attention on developing yourself. Take classes in the field you are interested in, form some new friendships and relationships to broaden you social network, and start therapy so you can find out why you were drawn to and stayed with a man who did not have your best interest at heart. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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He runs away from our problems!

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

my boyfriend is 18 years older than me & we have 2 lil’ girls together, we’ve been together 6 years & took a 1 year break in that 6 years! We argue constantly & its driving me crazy:( I have explained untill ive been blue in the face, how he makes me feel & what he could do better! It seems everytime i open my mouth “to him” im bitching. When i constantly repeat myself about “me feeling alone”, “noone helps me with the kids”, that “he doesnt have no rules for his 17 yr. old”, “the 17 yr. old doesnt do what i ask”,”etc….!If we talk & agree on something, he turns his back on me and does what he wants to do.

Example..”when just the 2 of us go out & the 17 yr. old watches the kids, i think she needs to change diapers, clean up after them, more less pay attention to them like its a real babysitting job! Instead of being on the computer & texting the whole time and when i come home i have to clean up the mess & my kids are sitting in their diapers i left them in! He agreed! But, yet never said nothing to her & if he did, she didnt listen and yet he does nothing about it. He wonders why i dont ever want to go anywhere?! He never gives her ultimatums or makes her do anything for that matter! Thats been most of our problem lately!! His daughter has no chores, no nothing! We have discussed it and discussed it, but when we fight about her, he says i hate her & i just want him to scream at her or beat her! Pretty harsh words that did not come out of my mouth, ya think??

Everytime i have a problem & try to talk to him, he says im bitching! So, how am i supposed to talk to this man!?? He makes me irrate! It just keeps getting worse:( After, him saying hes tired of hearing me bitch, he walks away and then it just pisses me off & i start screaming & crying! He all of a sudden has something “important” to do! I shouldnt scream, but i feel this enormous burst of anger, hurt & lost feelings come across me and my body starts to shake, i feel rage! It takes along time for me to calm down! So, he just walks away & ignores the situation.

Here lately, ive gotten so irrate, i threaten to kill myself.. It has to be for attention but, no matter what i say.. he will not give me attention! He leaves me like that for the rest of the day & with my lil’ girls ALONE! Our kids do not need to be around this and i have told him what to do when i get like that, “just hug me or act concerned”. Then the next day he acts like everythings okay & says “can you stop being mad today?”.. Noooo, im not gonna stop being mad untill the freakin issue is solved and thats NEVER! Like now, hes been gone for 32 hours and is 2 hours away from home. Left me with no car, no money and both of the kids while i was crying!

Is this normal?? Am i the crazy one? I think i have really come to HATE him, for what i feel he has done to me and put me thru! Thers a hundred situations just like this one that im not going to get into but, he constantly leaves me at my most vulnerable & depressed times! He knows im depressed & recently started a medication for it and there are tons of side effects.. but its useless for me to say anything and when i dont it just bottles up inside me and i EXPLODE! help??????????

Oh my. What a mess. Okay. If you really want to change this situation, it’s time for you to take a deep, deep breath and a huge step back. Obviously, screaming and crying and going after your boyfriend doesn’t work. He’s now gotten so used to the explosions they have no effect. You have to decide if you want to be angry or you want to be effective. If effective is what you want, I can offer at least a few suggestions.

First: Understand that when you decide to be in a relationship with someone who is almost a generation older, you are deciding to fold into his life and to accept that he is who he is. It is highly unlikely that he will change much for you. He has lived the way he lives for almost 50 years. As much as he cares for you and the children you have had together, he has already shown you that he isn’t motivated to make major changes.

Second: Let go of thinking of the 17-year-old as your babysitter. She’s not. She’s his daughter. She probably has strong feelings about your relationship with her dad. You are closer in age to her than to her dad. She doesn’t see you as a mother figure. She doesn’t see her half-sisters as her responsibility. It is likely that she resents you and the kids for being the family that replaced hers. You’d do much better to try to befriend her than to try to lay down the law. That being said, you and your boyfriend do need to have a calm and thoughtful talk about the living arrangement and what can be reasonably expected of her. My guess is that he isn’t giving her rules because he thinks he is somehow making things up to her for leaving her mother or for not having the kind of family she wishes she has. That ultimately isn’t going to be helpful for her. At 17, she needs his love and support — and she needs to have his counsel in figuring out what she needs to do to become an independent adult. That might be college or a job or a gap year experience. But whatever it is, it doesn’t necessarily involve helping you. Hopefully, if you can bring the emotional temperature down in the house, she will make relationships with her little half-siblings and want to help. But that will come later.

Third: When you yell, he can’t hear you. When you resort to drama like threats to kill yourself, he takes you less and less seriously. The two of you need to learn some ways to communicate effectively. He leaves because he hasn’t a clue how to deal with you when you go off. You go off because he leaves. And around and around it goes. If you two want to save this relationship, you need to get into some couples counseling and learn some communication skills.

Finally: You are absolutely right. Your children shouldn’t be going through all this. Please get connected to a parent education group or family resource center where there are classes in how to manage taking care of young kids and where you can meet other parents in the same stage of life. I’m very concerned about how alone you feel. You need a support system of other young parents so that you have people to turn to besides your boyfriend. You need a network of babysitters to draw on so you aren’t dependent on a reluctant stepdaughter.

I suspect that one of the reasons you aren’t married is that the two of you haven’t been willing to make the commitment when things are so emotionally difficult between you. Do what you can to settle this down so you can focus on making a loving and nurturing family for yourself, your children, and the man you loved enough to decide to bring two children into the world with him. You were right to write. You all deserve so much better than this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Racist dad won’t accept her boyfriend

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years! I am so in love with him. We get along fine, no complaints in the relationship. Well about the 1st year we had been dating my dad shoved me up against my closet door and kicked me out of the house for dating my boyfriend because of his color. While out of my house during year 2 of me and his relationship i was allowed home because my dad got into a really bad car accident. He soon recovered and started walking again. For the past 4 years my dad just assumes that i dont have a boyfriend. He always talks about me getting a boyfriend. I am 22 years old, in love with this guy that my dad doesnt approve of because of his skin color. I am stressed out as about the time i leave my house and either move in with my bf or live by myself how to deal with my family not talking to me, because i know they won’t because of when i was kicked out the first year. I want to know how to deal with this? when is the right time, after i get a job, to tell them about me and my boyfriend being together for so long? I’m scared of what it may come down to, I’m happy it’s my life, I’m responsible, mature, and understand life. Please help me with what i should do.

As you’ve discovered: Avoiding a problem sometimes creates yet another one. You now have both the issue of who you are dating and the fact that you’ve been living a lie for so long. Your parents will rightfully see this as an indication that you aren’t as mature as you think you are. Further, they are likely to think less of your boyfriend because he participated in the lie and didn’t insist that the two of you work it out with your folks.

You have a very, very difficult decision to make. If your father represents the feelings of the whole family, making a life with your boyfriend will mean losing your family of origin – at least for a time. People don’t change just because we want them to. What you can hope for is that the family will eventually come around. They are more likely to do so if you and your sweetheart make a good life for yourselves and if it is clear that you love and cherish each other. Further, people are more likely to make up if they part ways without loud, angry words, incriminations, and accusations. If instead you simply, clearly and, above all, calmly tell your parents how much you love them, how much you appreciate all they’ve done for you, and how much you regret that your choice is something they can’t support, they are more likely to reach out to you after they’ve had more time. After all, they love you and don’t want to lose you as much as you love them. If there is someone in the family who can be an ally, do have a conversation with them to see if there are ways they can lend their support.

I don’t know enough about the situation to know about timing. I do know that the longer you live a lie, the harder it is to undo it. I suggest that you get yourself a counselor. You need an ongoing relationship with someone who can look at the situation objectively and who can help you through the difficult conversations and decisions that are coming your way. Your boyfriend should participate. If the two of you want to be together, you need to take on this big challenge — together.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I’m Caring for Mentally Ill Adult Brother

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

If something was to happen to me my brother would not be able to survive.  I need help. My mother adopted my brother at 13 whom is 21 now.  He had been foster care since he was 2 years old.  They labeled him as mentally ill.  We would hit is head on the wall, get upset and not talk for hours, and walk with his head shaking and hand dangling.  He was in LD classes in school and had visited 33 different schools in his lifetime.  Growing up he moved to main stream classes and currently he is in his 3rd year in college but just started taking regular classes.  My mother passed away in 2007 and it was left to my dad to raise him.  My dad tried to get him help and was told that he could take care of himself.  My dad could not handle it any longer so I took him in.  It took him 7 times to pass his test to get his license.  He does maintain a dish washing job.  The best I can discribe him is he can do things but needs to be reminded and has no sense of reasoning.  Only follows directions but will follow them exactly.  Just yesterday he didn’t understand that if he couldn’t make it to work that he had to let them know.  He thought he could just go in the next day and tell them.  I have remind him to clean his room, and he isn’t apart of the household.  He just stays in his room all the time.  I have realized he needs someone for a lifetime and I can’t provide it.  I am a single mother of three girls and need help.  He needs help with his finances.  I didn’t realize that til he was 500 dollars in the hole and wasn’t paying any bills.  I just don’t know where to start to get him the help that he needs.  Please help.

Thanks for writing in for help. I want to commend your for taking in your brother. That is very courageous. It sounds extremely difficult to see no end in sight, and to know how vulnerable he would be in the world without someone to guide and support him. I believe that there are two things that need to happen at this point: 1) access additional support for your brother and 2) find  help and relief for you so you don’t completely burn out.

Does your brother have an official diagnosis? If not, I recommend that you take your brother in for psychological testing and evaluation. Depending on his diagnosis, he may be eligible for additional resources and care through your state, and may qualify for disability benefits. Please consider contacting NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) in North Carolina and inquire about advocacy and support services in your area, and contact your community social services agency here. Your brother may be eligible for some type of supervised housing situation, occupational therapy for life management skills, and other services. Putting some long-term help in place for your brother will hopefully alleviate some of your current burden and decrease your concerns about him if something should happen to you.

In the short run let’s get you some additional help. Can your father take shifts caring for your brother to give you a break on a regular basis? Are there any adult day care services in your area where you could know he was safe? There are resources available. Please reach out for support for both of you.

Take good care of you and yours!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Anxiety & Mood Swings

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Since I can remember I have had horrible anxiety when it came to change and social interactions. On top of that I would experience horrible mood swings, from feeling like I was a superstar to feeling so sad and hopeless I wanted to die! I have been on many different anti-depressants and anxiety drugs. I have always felt out of place and had few, if any, friends. As a kid I would fake being sick so I didn’t have to go to school, if I had to do a presentation in front of the class I would pretend I was sick or hurt to go home to get out of it, as I got older, like high school I would go hide in the rest room until that class was over so I didn’t have to be in front of the class. In my adult life I have hid in a rest room at work so I didn’t have to give out an award in front of a 100 people! I have walked off jobs because I was to scared to walk through the door.

Now I just moved and transferred to another store and in a completely new dept. I know nothing and feel like a complete idiot! My anxiety is off the charts, I am hundreds of miles away from my wife and kids all alone in a little studio apt and my depression is the worst its ever been. I am so tired of feeling like this, I can remember all the way back to preschool and feeling the anxiety from being around others. I am at the end of my rope, I feel something is majorly wrong with me. I have been to numerous therapists but only go a couple times then get freaked out and quit! It feels like its getting worse and I am afraid I am going to lose my job!

Anxiety has plagued you since childhood. It continues to be a problem, most likely because it has never been properly treated. You feel as though the problem has become worse over time. It seems as though it has. Avoiding or fleeing anxiety-producing situations reinforces an anxiety problem and will increase future anxiety, in most cases. It temporarily provides relief but in the long run, it makes it worse.

There are very effective treatments that exist for anxiety and panic. Two of the best are (1) cognitive behavioral therapy and (2) exposure and response prevention therapy. Both are very good but they cannot work if you quit therapy prematurely.

The key to overcoming anxiety is to resist the urge to flee a situation when you feel anxious. Your desire to flee a situation is understandable in the face of severe anxiety but it is this very behavior that reinforces the anxiety. Resisting this urge to flee and enduring anxiety are the only true ways to solve this problem.

It is important to understand the nature of anxiety. It can increase to very high levels but it can only reach a maximum. It will eventually peak and then decrease. Part of exposure and prevention response therapy is encouraging the client to endure all of the stages of anxiety, from the most intense periods to its ultimate decrease. Exposure and prevention response therapy would essentially force you to face your fears in a systematic and controlled environment.

Force yourself to attend therapy even if it makes you uncomfortable and anxious. It may be unpleasant but it is a cure. Anxiety does not have to be a crippling or lifelong problem.

My suggestion is to find a therapist who specializes in treating anxiety disorders. Also consider a therapist who specializes in exposure and response prevention therapy. For those who are willing to undergo this type of therapy, the success rates are very high. A Psych Central blogger recently posted about her experience.

Psychotropic medications can help to decrease your anxiety while undergoing therapy. You have tried several medications and they have not worked but that is not an uncommon beginning. You should continue to work with your prescribing physician and continue to search for one, or a combination of several, medications that will provide relief. Remember, relief is not a cure but merely a means to manage symptoms.

Unfortunately, if this problem is left untreated it will very likely worsen. This is often the nature of an untreated anxiety disorder. The find help tab, at the top of this page, can help you locate a therapist in your community. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Life is Constantly Going Downhill

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Well, back in 2003ish, my real dad had gone to jail for trying to attack my mom because she was seeing this guy she met online, he was out of my life for years, later when he got out, he became a totally alcoholic and chain smoker, by this time my moms boyfriend had moved down, bought a house and we had moved in with him. My dad got sent to New York and he was out of my life. My family (1 sister and my mom) had been living off of my moms boyfriends (I’ll just call him Jim for privacy and times sake) income. My mom quit her job and Jim felt it was necessary to totally dictate my life. He grounds me for not getting A’s and B’s in school, which was impossible to me because I had EC activities everyday which were hard enough to focus on, I was always the work horse of the house being a boy of course, all the stress would pile up and I would just keep focusing on home life at school. Well I’ve graduated since then and it got even worse. I was expected to go to college first off, but I was told everyday to get a job, it’s damn near impossible and no ones even taking applications. I cant explain the bigger parts of the problem because of the restraints I have here. But today I was told my mom is leaving so I have to come with her, get a job, and I won’t be able to go to college. Oh another thing on a side note: I have no friends, I never leave my house, I play video games all day for at least 12 hours a day, and my moms boyfriend is even worse with video games by the way. I still work to my fullest extent in the house and my physical strength is put to the limits all the time. I have back problems because of all the manual labor I’ve had to do in my life since I was 6 years old. So right now I can’t see my life getting any worse once we leave Jims house. I’m in rock bottom. My mom herself said she can barely afford a run down place to stay. And if you’re wondering, my relationship with my mom is an atrocity. She has made death threats to me, and constantly makes my life a living Hell. I’m not going to go further than that. But my point is, I can’t see myself ever being able to get back on my feet. Oh, I can’t afford to get my license, or a car for that matter. And I don’t know what to do.

You have been forced to take on adult responsibilities before you were fully prepared. Your father was in prison and then abandoned the family. Your mother is unstable and abusive. You have had to essentially raise yourself. You have had no real guidance. Now, you are expected to keep the family together, at a time when you are struggling to build your own life. I am sorry you are faced with this very difficult and unfair life situation.

Your mother is an adult. She is an able-bodied individual and it is her responsibility to support herself and her family. Finding employment would help contribute to the family but it should not be your job to handle all the responsibilities and to pay all the bills. You need to be your own advocate. You deserve an opportunity to live your life and to go to college.

You need help, support and guidance. I would highly recommend making contact with a mental health professional at the local community mental health center (CMHC). Call and speak to them about your situation. They may be able to assist you even though you cannot physically attend an appointment. They may be able to assign a case manager who could assist you with the following: getting your license, purchasing a car, finding alternative transportation, securing housing. In addition, they can provide mental health services such as individual therapy, group counseling, intensive case management, medication management, and so forth. They may also be able to assist your mother which would allow you the opportunity to go to college. I would strongly recommend calling the CMHC as soon as possible. Click on the find help tab to help you locate local mental health services in your community.

You have described your situation as being at “rock bottom.” You are enduring a very difficult time in your life. The good news about “rock bottom” is that it cannot get any worse. You are struggling now but with the right help your life can turn around. I hope you are able to get the help that you deserve. Please do not hesitate to write again if you have additional questions.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Low Self-Esteem, Technology Addict, and Fear of Relationships

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I feel like nothing I do matters and nobody really understands who I am. Every time I reach out to someone they let me down. I guess they just don’t care. The last few years I’ve taken to locking myself away in my bedroom to read or watch movies; it gives me more enjoyment than people do but I’m always feeling guilty about it too. I’m 19 years old and I’ve only kissed 4 guys ever, and never anything more. I’m afraid and self-conscious and I feel like I don’t get the opportunity to meet boys that other girls do. I know its my fault but its so hard to change, and I don’t know if I really want to be in a relationship anyway; I don’t think I’d be good at it at all. I’m always fighting with my parents, especially my dad; he yells at me a lot. I used to be so afraid of him when I was younger; he has quite the temper and is always criticizing me. My mother constantly nags me to go out more, to find a job, to stop watching so much TV, to eat better, to do more chores, to act older, the list goes on. I often get excited about little things and become quite childish and energetic, but the smallest thing can also send me into a spiral of sadness, anger or  frustration for the rest of the day. Both reactions seem to annoy my family. My few friends probably find it annoying too; if I could stand being thought ill of I’d probably ask  them. I always think if I were prettier or smarter or talented at anything, life would be better. I don’t want to be different or behind; I just wish things were easier. What should I do?

Thanks so much for writing in for help. The fact that you are reaching out for advice in this forum means you have some hope that things could be different for you, that you can feel differently about yourself and your life.

What you’re describing sounds like depression: social isolation, insecurities, withdrawing from activities, negative thoughts, hopelessness. First, I want you to go to your physician and have a physical to rule out any physical illness. While you’re there please talk to your doctor about your hopelessness, isolation and fears. See if medication is an option for you. Your tendency to turn toward technology may be a way to numb your emotional pain.

Also, ask your doctor for a referral to a psychotherapist in your area to work on ways to improve your mood, gain self-confidence, and gain relationship skills. You may also want to consider asking your parents to attend family therapy  to improve your family relationships.  Even though you’re 19, it sounds as if  you’re still stuck in experiencing the “childhood” disapproval of your father, and criticism of your mother, and letting those emotions dictate, on some level, how you feel about yourself. The good news is, you can feel differently.

Your family relationships greatly impact how you feel about other relationships.  If you think about your relationship with your dad as the “template” for male relationships, and you experienced him as scary and critical, then it makes sense that you would be hesitant to open up to other male relationships, like friendships and dating relationships.  It makes sense that you’d have only a few female friends, too, because you’ve experienced your mother as nagging and constantly correcting you. She is your model of how to relate to women so you likely may fear disapproval in your female friendships as well. Your therapist can help free you from these patterns so you can experience relationships with others differently, and not as extensions of your parental relationships.

In addition to meeting with your physician and therapist, I’d like to recommend a couple of books to you: “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by Dr. David Burns and “The Relationship Cure” by Dr. John Gottman. Both books will provide excellent tools and new perspectives on yourself and your relationships.

Thanks again for writing in. Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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I don’t fit anywhere

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

(forgive me for the spelling, english is not my first language) I come from a good family, I have always been successfull at school, sports and verry popular with girls (although i had no interest in them). I grew up with everything i needed to be happy. However, I have never felt close to anyone. I have been in contact with a lot of nice people in my life, some that i can call friends, but i never felt at ease with them. My parents told me recently that when i was verry young I was always playing alone, even when other children were around. I don’t know why, but I have never felt comfortable with people, and with the world around me.

I have recently told my family that i was gay (a thing that i always knew inside of me). Everything was ok with them, they love me for what I am. I tought it would be good for me to say it, but everything is worst with me now. I have lost even more interest in people around me. I DEEPLY HATE the way the world is working, I have lost all interest in school, sports and most of my remaning ‘friends’. I wake up at noon every day, wishing I could fall back to sleep and stay in my dreams. I can’t sleep at night because I end up crying in my bed asking why did I end up like that. I don’t even know what I like anymore. I would rather throw up than go to work. I want to find another job or study another subject, but the more I think about it i just find out that I really have no interest in anything. I just feel like I am body without a soul.

I have always been alone, I have everything to be happy but I can say that I have never been in my entire life, and now I can’t see any future for me. I tought I might be depressive or something, but I am not sure. I have always been like that, things just got worst throught my life. I don’t think a pill or a treatment will make me like this world or people around me.

Am I normal?

Yeah. I think you’re a normal guy going through a real hard time. On the one hand, it feels good to be “out” to family who love you for you. On the other hand, you know that the world at large still has a ways to go before sexual orientation is a non-issue. Your emotional state makes complete sense to me. It sounds to me like you need some mentors who can help you figure out how to be truly yourself and live happily with others.

You are lucky to live in a city that has an organization that can offer the support and practical help you need. Contact the Canadian Association for Education and Outreach. Among other services they offer is GayLine at 514-866-5090. From their website: “Our mission is to provide a high quality free and confidential help and information telephone service in English for gender and/or sexual minorities. ” They talk to people about issues like these:

  • Coming to terms with your sexual orientation
  • Coming out to friends and family
  • Dealing with loneliness
  • Problems finding lovers and friends
  • Contemplating suicide
  • Discovering that your child, partner or friend is gay
  • Getting information about safer sex and AIDS
  • Working out problems in your relationship
  • Surviving conjugal violence
  • Handling discrimination and violence related to homophobia

You made an important first step in contacting us here at LifeHelper. Please find the strength to make a call.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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