Tag:

Lack Of Confidence

Don’t Know Whether or Not to Seek Help

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 18th, 2022

adhd, adjustment disorder: Ive been stuggling with a few issues recently and I dont know whether or not to go to a therapist.
Im worried about potential adjustment disorder and inattentive adhd.
I just cant deal with change.When I first started university I was having a good time but when I got home I was miserable and didnt want to go back .Id just burst into tears at the thought of having new friends because I just wanted my old ones. Eventually I settled in. A weirder example is when I got a second cat, I kept trying to convince my parents to give her away because I liked the dynamic of having one cat,it meant no favourites and the thought of things changing made me cry just thinking about it. This anxiety if change has always followed me. When i was younger Id have frequent dreams of finding out my mam was pregnant and Id wake up crying. Now this feeling has returned because my parents want to move and I just cant cope with the idea. I love my house, its ours and the thought of someone else living here and making it their home just makes me burst into tears.Another recent example was I had my first brief relationship which I ended just before we got together because I just couldn’t deal with it. He asked me out and I cried the whole walk home after saying yes,I did the same thing(crying)after he kissed me in the car ride home with my dad. My parents keep telling me to stop getting so worked up about silly things but I just cant help it.

Im also worried about having inattentive adhd because I procrastinate so badly. Im in university and I left an essay worth 60% until the day before. Its like I just cant help it.I sit down to start and its like my brain is full of clutter and I just cant focus. I also constantly misplace everything and forget what I was doing. Despite this lack of focus in academic work I can easily dedicate myself to my own projects to the point of hyperfocus. If I have any spare time I will take it even when I know it will effect my performance. Im not disruptive but I do talk excessively to and often have trouble not interrupting people when they’re talking.

I would not characterize these problems as being indicative of a mental illness, but rather life problems that are easily resolved with counseling. Generally speaking, these problems seem to be the result of immaturity, fear and lack of life experience. You seem to find your life as it is to be less frightening than it would be if it were to change. Yet change is the only way that life can get better. Fear of change, coupled with a lack of confidence in your ability to handle change, might be the root of these problems.

Procrastination is a common problem. It is the act of delaying something longer than you should. It is not a mental illness. It’s possible that you lack the skills and self-control for completing your work in a timely manner. These time management skills can be learned.

At the college level, professors have deadlines. When those deadlines are not met the result will be bad grades. Bad grades can hinder your ability to complete college and negatively affect your long-term career goals. To the outside world, a procrastinator is seen as irresponsible. You want to avoid being labeled as such.

You said that you do follow through on certain tasks but not on others, such as school assignments. That is probably because you feel confident about some tasks but lack the confidence to perform well on school tasks and thus you avoid doing things that you are unsure of. This might be another example of how low self-confidence, fear and avoidance are negatively impacting your life.

You have asked me about whether or not you should consult a therapist. Yes, you should. These are exactly the types of problems that a therapist would help you work on. There’s no good reason to continue to live with problems that are easily remedied. If you have a problem, get help from the people whose job it is to help people with problems.

If you’re willing to participate in treatment and to do the work necessary, you should expect a good outcome. Imagine all that you can accomplish in life, when these stumbling blocks are removed. With good counseling that’s a very reasonable expectation. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

June 18, 2022 0 comment

Trouble Coping with a Change in Perception

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 31st, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Before getting to the issue, please allow me to give you a brief description about myself :
My parents always told me that when i was young i was a “leader” that i’m the one that led the group of friends when we were playing or doing sports or any kind of activity.
I remember being a very happy child.
Also note that i had the tendency to steel things beginning at a very young age and kept doing so till i was 26.

Then as i grew a little older (maybe 13 14 15 or less ) i started to feel that my father caused us shame when we were out having dinner or in other situations because he asked about the price and stuff like that. And i Started hating him . I had a very rough childhood with my dad (I hated him and disgraced him because he was not like i imagined him to be, because he wasn’t able to provide us what my friend had).

My mom is a wonderful women but she use to hit me and my brothers when we were young because we had trouble learning (i don’t know if this is normal). One time my brothers and i had a fight and she went crazy she threw the whole closet on the floor and broke many stuff and told us to clean it. (I think she reacted this way because she was going through a divorce)

Around the age of 17 – 18 i started to feel inferior to people and felt like i had no personality , could not defend myself or my principles. I starting living for others , to please others and be like others , started believing they were better then me . I grew a huge jealousy toward my best friend because he was the one to start talking and have the attention . It wasn’t me anymore .
For example : If we were out(Me and my best friend) for dinner with 2 girls , he would tell stories i did that are funny and make me look good but some of them which i wasn’t very happy about ( And i always though he was saying the last part to make me look bad ) and i never had the courage to ask him not to bring up the subject anymore in front of someone because i was afraid of HOW he will THINK of me if i did .

So This is when i started to have social phobia and anxiety . My doctor prescribed me anti psychotics and anti depressants.at the end we settled on Risperdal (remember taking 4-3 mg) and cipralex(15mg) . We tried many different medication .He said i had OCD .

I started using drugs (ecstacy once or twice didn’t make me feel good, Cocaine which i got addicted to and Codeine also which i got addicted too)
During that time and when i started to feel inferior to people I lost all my friends and became lonely so the only thing i had was drugs .
Just Cocaine and Codeine ( In very large amount ) , went to the best rehab centers found it very difficult so i left after a week or 2 ( That happened twice.) At the end i asked my doctor if we could try Buprenorphine and it worked magic
Now i have been sober for 5 month , no urge to do drugs , i stopped taking the anti psychotics and antidepressant . Going to the gym , running , studying everything improved in my life not even drinking. I Believe and trust my gut this time that i won’t ever do drugs in my life again . I was on 4mg buprenorphine now on 2 (Started 2 days ago ).

What i had noticed was that the anti-psychotics that my doctor prescribed me had blocked my feelings and changed the way i feel , or react to stuff . I felt something was wrong , that i wasn’t the same person anymore and started using drugs because i wasn’t happy or to feel comfort .
When i started using buprenorphine i still had the tendency to take drugs , it’s when i stopped the antipsychotics that i felt alive again , i could feel things i didn’t feel before (because of the medications )like nature and time in day ( When you know it’s lunch and feel likes lunch time ) , or the feeling when you walk in home after a long day . I hope this makes sense .
And that’s when i completely stopped using drugs and didn’t have the urge to use them because i was happy with these feelings . SO yeah i blame it on the antipsychotics . I think he should have given them until my symptoms got better not a life time ( 9 years ) .

I’m sorry this is so long but I’ve been looking for an answer and no one seems to have Went to doctors and still going to doctors (Psychologist).
Now that my feelings are coming back , i am having problems accepting them.
1st : My mind is ALWAYS thinking until i my head hurts (About situation i had during the day, did i act right? did this happen or this happen? did he think that or that? did i look bad or not? and i try to scrutinize the situation i was in and come of with a 1000 different stories )

2sd : When i think. it’s like i’m looking at my thoughts from the outside rather then I’M thinking them .
Sometimes i think that that person thinks i look weird , and i really feel it , so i either lower my head or act like i’m shy and people notice that .

3rd : Let’s say i went to a sport training (Boxing for example) and i see there someone better then me ; what i think is or i think i feel is “HE is going to notice that i’m thinking that he is better then me ” .
I feel like i don’t want him to be better then me but actually i don’t care at all if he is or not .
So when i decide i want to learn from him and enjoy my time with these guys it feels weird again because now i feel this :
this guy wants to enjoy his time with us who does he thinks he is. (and deep inside i know people are not bad)

In my life i always accused people for doing things they didn’t do , for example if 2 of my friends ( when i had some lol) went out together without telling me , i directly assume that they don’t want me to be with them . So i call them and say why didn’t you call me , I always call you both when i go out with either one of you . and i get upset

I always wanted what was best for others but i always get dumped in the end . for example i introduced a friend to friends of mine because i liked my friends very much and wanted every one to meet them and have a time like i’m having, after a while he started going out with them without even calling me or telling me. Now he is friends with them and i’m not anymore .

Finally, what is happening is that now that my feeling are back, it feels strange. when i look at the mirror it feels different and i see myself in a different way, a good way. This urge of living again, doing activities with other people i have it back, but when i’m with people doing these activities it feels like before, when i had no problem at all, and that feeling scares me a lot (is it going to last? are they going to like me?)

The feeling of having my (i don’t know what you call it cognitive or perception) back an seeing things in a different ways is scaring me. (From Lebanon)

Thank you for you detailed history and question. I admire the fact that you have been so resilient and continue to show such perseverance in finding answers. It seem these qualities have followed you in your journey and have served you well.

From your history — along with the style and content of your questions — it sounds like you may want to find a therapist specializing in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). If your current therapist is trained in that, I would have a discussion about applying these tools to help with your thought process. If your therapist is not trained in these techniques, I would encourage you to stay with your therapist but to supplement the therapy by having a few sessions with a CBT therapist. There is also a terrific book, The Resilience Factor, that you will want to read.

March 31, 2022 0 comment

Inability to Have Sex

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. February 18th, 2022

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Since I can remember, I’ve always thought of myself as unattractive. At school I was considered undesirable and teased indirectly about my looks. In my later teens men started taking an interest and I became sexually active and happy, eventually entering my first relationship which lasted 4 years. This relationship ended about a year ago and though I am over it, my ex dragged out the ending and it became quite bitter with another woman involved. He would openly compare me to her and make comparisons and refused to kiss me but also would not end the relationship and have very unemotional sex with me – as though I were an object. He began making direct comments about my lack of attractiveness and eventually I left. A month or so after that, I slept with one man after a date in a dark room. Since then, I have been unable to be naked around myself or others. I cannot look at myself in the mirror and my sex life has completely stopped as I can’t be intimate unless the room is pitch black, I have clothes on and I don’t know the guy. It’s been almost a year since I last had any sexual contact with anyone and it’s upsetting me greatly. I worry I won’t ever be able to be naked or intimate with anyone again. The problem has progressed – I have always been nervous of spending time with just one person unless I know them extremely well as I fear awkward silences or general awkwardness. This has merged with my inability to have sex as I also fear being alone with someone I intend to have sex with: what would I say? What do we talk about? What if there is nothing to talk about? I miss being intimate with others and there have been multiple times I could have engaged in sexual activity or perhaps formed a relationship on one occasion but I can’t discuss this issue with anyone other than close friends and the distress it causes me knowing I won’t be able to have sex leads me to push potential sexual partners away. I decided to seek help on here after tonight, 2 separate men I know I can speak to alone, came to my room to ask if I’d like to sleep with them and both times I panicked and was unable. (age 20, from UK)

Thank you for writing in with your question. I think you need to take a few steps back and stop worrying so much about sex and what others think of you and start working on your relationship with yourself. You have had some negative experiences which have contributed to your lack of confidence and poor self-image. It is upsetting when others objectify us, but it is even more harmful when we treat ourselves this way. You are much more than just a sexual being and you need to find ways to realize this. The more comfortable and confident you are with yourself, the more you will communicate this to potential partners, which in turn will draw more respectful partners to you.

My advice is to work on your self-esteem first, then focus on becoming more comfortable in social situations. Take sex off the table and just start going on lots of dates. Have fun. If you aren’t ready for one on one interactions you can begin by going out with a small group of people, followed by some double dates, and work your way up to one on one casual dating. You learned a lot from your past relationship but it’s time to move on and begin to have new experiences. Your comfort level with physical intimacy will return in time. If you need help with any of this, please consider seeing a therapist.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

February 18, 2022 0 comment

Help! I’ve Been Extremely Depressed, Anxious and Paranoid for Months Now

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 2nd, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I think I should start off by saying I didn’t have a very good childhood. My parents divorced when I was 5, my dad was a meth addict, and my mom was always busy working to provide for us that I spent most of my time at my grandparents. I was overweight and very shy, and hardly even tried to make friends because of my lack of self confidence that caused me to always assume no one would like me. My mom remarried and we moved to Los Angeles, and my stepdad was very emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive. My mom always took his side when he would attack me because she was scared of another divorce. She wouldn’t let me talk about his abuse to anyone in fear of him getting arrested. I developed anorexia at age 14 and was obsessed with running to lose weight. I became so thin that I was nearly hospitalized. Eventually I came out to my family that I’m gay. I developed a great group of friends, my eating disorder was no more and I have enjoyed as much food as I want ever since. I have lost all of those great friends I made, some because of my own self destructive behavior (I have had a tendency to lie for years now, and am just now trying to change. I haven’t told a lie in 6 months), and some of the friends I lost because they were just genuinely bad people who turned on me. I have been cheated on in every relationship I’ve had. I was a straight A student in high school, having the highest GPA in my grade levels, until my senior year. Suddenly something came over me and I stopped caring. I started skipping school and staying home and sleeping all day. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t want to do anything. I was very depressed. I should also add that my mom kicked me out 3 different times in high school each after my stepdad abused me. She says it was for my safety but I also believe she wanted to make him happy, because he didn’t want me around. It hurt more than I could explain. So I went to stay with my drug addict father who I didn’t have a relationship with, and then to my grandmas house. I just gave up on school altogether sadly. I eventually moved back to LA when I was 17 and my mom hasn’t let me stay home since. She has branded me as a bad kid. My stepdad texts me every now and then and tells me to go fuck myself. Anyways, I have dealt with it all relatively decently in terms of mood. I have always learned to just laugh it off and be the funny one. But 2 years ago I suddenly went through a very dark period in my life. I became extremely depressed, to the point where I couldn’t function. I had disturbing intrusive thoughts, which led me to be extremely paranoid that I had a brain tumor. I couldn’t even go out to dinner with family because I was so paranoid that I couldn’t sit still. There wasn’t ever even a reason for my paranoia or anxiety. It was just there. For months I kept thinking I had something wrong with my brain, because I would have constant headaches and intrusive thoughts and the paranoia/anxiety over everything. Eventually, after months of constantly talking to my mom and her reassuring me I was fine, I felt normal again. It all went away. I began dating a new guy and I was probably the happiest I’ve ever been. We were together for 2 years. And recently he moved, broke up with me out of nowhere, told me he was using me for my money and so I could drive him places, and his friends (who had become my friends) all told me they were using me too. I had a complete mental breakdown and I numbed it by smoking marijuana with a friend of mine. I smoked every night for 2 months and I was able to feel fine. However then it all started happening again. The constant paranoia and anxiety, the constant depression. I have begun worrying that I am going crazy, or that I’m skitzofrenic or psychotic even though I have never seen or heard anything that wasn’t there. I am worried about my brain again. I am worried about simple things like going to see a movie, or going to the store, and literally for no reason. The intrusive thoughts and images are back and stronger than ever. And I’m having extremely random memories. Like I’ll see a house on tv and suddenly my brain will remind me of a location I’ve been to in real life that barely looks like it but kind of. And yesterday I was at the hospital visiting a family member and a hallway in the hospital reminded me of a dream I had when I was in high school of a hallway that looked like it. It is all very bizarre and I don’t know what’s happening to me. I moved in with my grandparents hoping that I would go away, and although it has lessened, it is still very much here every day. I need help. I have never had a job and I want one, and I want to go back to school, but I’m so terrified of my anxiety and depression and paranoia getting in the way.

Thank you for writing us. I think your situation would lend itself best to group therapy. In group therapy the issues you have identified in your family of origin and with your mom and stepdad would be addressed through the process of interaction within the group. I highly recommend finding a seasoned group therapist and join an ongoing group. This will provide a safe forum for you to both get support and make corrections in you life. The Find Help tab at the top of the page can help you find a therapist in your area or you can look on this site.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

August 2, 2021 0 comment

Who Am I and Why Do I Feel So Out of Place in this World?

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. June 23rd, 2021

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I’m a 23 year old male living with my father in an apartment. I find that I have no motivation, fail at everything I’ve attempted so far in my life, and reflecting on myself, I have come to a conclusion that I actively hate myself, to the point I think I may be self-sabotaging… Some days I want to die… just end everything, but I have always hated the idea of suicide… And am too afraid of hurting those who care for me, and I feel like killing myself would only result in dumping upon them all the unresolved problems I leave behind… My life is a mess… I have no job, have dropped out of school and am facing massive debt… and all because I can’t stand my existence… I even sabotage all my friendships… and by the time I realize it, they’ve moved on. Who am I? Why the hell do I feel so disconnected from everything… including myself? I can’t sleep at night because I can’t shake these questions out of my mind… and when I do sleep, the same questions haunt me in my nightmares… I’m lost…. and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried telling my family… but they don’t understand my reasoning… and I’ve hurt them so much by my actions (or lack thereof) that feel like they’re giving up. I want to know why I feel so out of place in this world… like I’m so different that I can’t even relate to the people around me. One reason I can’t make sense of it, is that I’ve committed to certain things before in my life without a second thought… such as not drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes… being kind and considerate to others… and being patient and level headed. Why can’t I apply that same tenacity to anything else? I’ve tried… but I can never manage to pull it off… I know asking these kinds of questions online is not always reliable…. but I have no one to turn to… and no money to invest in serious counseling… so I don’t know what to do. Any advice… anything at all… even an angry or hateful response… is appreciated, I just need SOMETHING. (age 23, from US)

First of all, there is no way that you can fail at everything you’ve attempted in life. You need to examine the “measuring stick” that you are using. Maybe you are struggling with school and employment right now, but using some of your other examples like committing to not drinking or smoking, practicing patience and being kind to others are things that other people struggle with (even people with stable jobs). All of us have strengths and weaknesses. All of us have things that come easy to us and things we really have to strive for and put extra effort into. It’s part of being human.

If you are not finding helpful answers within yourself right now, it is time to look elsewhere. If you are feeling disconnected, then you need to search for ways to connect. Therapy is certainly one way to do this and you can look into what services your local community mental health center has to offer, but you may find other ways to feel more connected as well.

Try volunteering for a cause you care about, try a new hobby, or take one class in college instead of taking a full load. Set your goals small so that you can begin to feel some success and then build on this. Give yourself chances to discover things you enjoy outside of yourself and hopefully this will lead you to discovering things within yourself that you can embrace. Just don’t give up. There are many, many successful people in our world who floundered at some point in their lives.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

June 23, 2021 0 comment